15 February 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 15 February 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

They Need A War

Ricky: White Stripes, “Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We have got a great show lined up for you.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Today it’s just, uh, yeah. Valentine’s Day weekend. Some love songs.

Steve: Ooh.

Ricky: We got some chat and, of course, the competitions. I’ll tell ya what; I was walking here today and the West End is crammed. There’s helicopters, there’s police, there’s about a million people, sort of, just milling ‘round. Standing around with placards and stuff. I don’t know what they’re doing, but they got too much time on their hands. They-they need a war!

Steve: You don’t read the newspapers, do you?

Ricky: Boring.

Song: Guns N’ Roses- Sweet Child ‘o Mine

OK, Stop Eating Karl, You've Ate All The Food, That's The Plate

Ricky: Ooh, those boys can rock there. That’s the guns with all their roses and “Sweet Child of Mine.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9.

Steve: I enjoyed that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was good.

Ricky: It rocks.

Steve: I hope, I hope the audience was playing it loud like us.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uhh, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Well- look at him yawning! How rude is that?

Steve: Karl, what’s wrong with you, man? Have you been up late?

Karl: Little bit.

Steve: Ha! Girlfriend was away, wasn’t she, yesterday?

Karl: Yeah, I always have a problem with that. I always- I- cause you don’t go to bed, do you, early? D’you know what I mean? You sort of think--

Steve: What?

Karl: I just always find that thing that if, you know, you’re used to living with someone--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: One of you will go, “Let’s go to bed, then.” You’ll go, “Alright.” Um… but when you’re on your own you go, “Ohh--”

Steve: You just forget to go to bed?

Karl: I just stay up.

Ricky: “Okay, stop-stop eating now, Karl. You’ve et all the food. That’s just the plate.” “Oh, right. Okay.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, I just- I stayed up and watched, um… there was a thing on about Dracula.

Steve: Right. What, “Dracula?”

Karl: And I found a flaw in it.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Not-not the fact that he’s the living dead and is--

Karl: No.

Ricky: And drinks blood to stay alive and he doesn’t reflect--

Steve: And he turns into a bat.

Ricky: And you can- go on.

Karl: The mirror thing, he can’t look in mirrors… can he?

Steve: Well, he can look in mirrors but he can’t see himself in a mirror.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Alright, well that still doesn’t work.

Steve: Okay. Go on.

Ricky: It doesn’t work at all, Karl. It doesn’t work anyway.

Steve: No, well…

Karl: Centre-parting’s always really neat.

Steve: His centre-parting’s always really neat?

Ricky: How does he do it if he can’t look in the mirror?

Ricky laughs

Karl: “B-Blood on the Floor” or something it was called. Rubbish.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I love the flaw in the Dracula film was that his centre-parting’s too neat. How did he do it without a mirror? Ohh.

Steve: Was it a documentary about Dracula?

Karl: No--

Ricky: The real Dracula, the real Dracula that--

Steve: Yeah, the real Dracula. The true story.

Karl: It was just a film. It had- “Blood on the Floor” or something, it was called.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: From 1970.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right. But you stayed up and watched that?

Ricky: You know there aren’t really vampires in that sense?

Karl: Yeah.

Karl sighs

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: But it still annoys ya that his centre-parting was too neat.

Karl: Well, if you’re gonna do it, d’you know what I mean?

Ricky: I’d like to see him with a fringe sort of pushed forward.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And maybe a hood up. “Alright? I come to suck your blood an’ that, alright? Eh..”

Steve: Just bits of tissue paper all over his face.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Where he's cut himself shaving.

Ricky: “Oh, oh, I can’t see. Bloody mirror’s annoyin’ me now, innit?” I’d love to see that. A little Manc Drac. That would be great, wouldn’t it?

Karl: Well, that-that might be a film that we do in, uh, our movie--

Ricky: Mancula!

Karl: Just-just getting on to that.

Ricky: Mancula! Count Mancula.

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Alright? ‘Ave you got any rave? ’Ave you got any rave music? Ah? Got any Oasis an’ that?” That’d be brilliant.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: (dramatically) “He came from Manchester. Please welcome, Mancula.” “Alright?” That would be great, wouldn’t it? His hair’s a mess. “Well, I can’t see a mirror, can I?” Well, we’ve got a show lined up for you. Um, sad news for Rockbusters fans. It is going to be the last Rockbusters.

Steve: Does that mean that we are doing another one and it’s the last one or--

Ricky: We are doing another one and it’s the last one.

Steve: Ohh, man.

Karl: But it’s a special one, Steve.

Steve: Have you?

Karl: Um, it’s just, sort of--

Steve: What, it makes sense?

Ricky laughs

Steve: First time only?

Karl: No. It’s-it’s, uh, it’s done on accents, cause I’m running out of, like, clues, an’ that to use.

Ricky: Oh, is this bit good as the Jamaican one, uh, “De Trout Spinners?”

Steve: (laughing) “De Trout Spinners!”

Ricky: That doesn’t work at all.

Karl: A bit like that.

Steve: Okay, so go on. What’s-what’s the gist of this one?

Karl: Well, it’s just, um, I’ve binned the sound effects bit. That-that didn’t really work out. So there’s three, sort of, cryptic clues.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah. Sort of cryptic, yeah.

Karl: And it’s done on, uh, it’s done on accents. And I’ve sort of worked down the country, so I’ve got a Northern one.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: I’ve got a Brummie one and I’ve got a, uh, Cockney one.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: Alright. Looking forward to that. We’ve got quite a lot of competitions, haven’t we, cause we’ve also got your film competition.

Ricky: He’s, uh, he’s appearing in “The Shining” this week, Steve.

Steve: Excellent. Okay.

Ricky: Um, we’ve also got, “Ooh, Chimpanzee That! More Monkey News From Around the World.”

Steve: (Laughing) “Monkey News.”

Ricky: Uhh…

Steve: Stay tuned for that!

Ricky: But there’s one that I thought we could phase in as we phased out Rockbusters. It’s an old favourite. Karl, it was before your time. XFamily Fortunes.

Steve: XFamily Fortunes. It’s brilliant.

Ricky: Get on the line.

Steve: Is nothing to TV “Family Fortunes.”

Ricky: No, it’s XFamily Fortunes.

Steve: You can’t get him on that.

Ricky: So we’ll be playing that a little bit later, as well, with two lucky, um, people that call up and we’ll be giving away some great prizes I imagine, Steve.

Steve: Excellent. Yeah.

Ricky: Go through those a little bit later.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, as it was Valentine’s Day weekend, what about, uh, a lovely song by Lloyd Cole?

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: “Like Lovers Do.”

Steve: I’d love to hear it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Song: Lloyd Cole- Like Lovers Do