08 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 08 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off

Song: U2 - Beautiful Day

Ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Hello, boys.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--

Steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And need to go and lie down--

Ricky: But I am my own boss.

Steve: With a cold compress--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--

Steve: And a Swedish masseuse.

Ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.

Steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.

Steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

Ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.

Steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?

Claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--

Steve: Uh huh.

Claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Poorly.

Claire: And a bit croaky--

Ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--

Claire: He coughed a bit.

Ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.

Steve: To of missed this show.

Ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.

Claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--

Ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".

Steve: Yeah.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Shall we?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...

Steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"

Claire Exhales in Awe

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The human monkey".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--

Ricky: And it wasn't.

Steve: And it wasn't brilliant.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: It was- I've--

Steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.

Ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?

Steve: Evans will have you there.

Claire: Should we just play some music now?

Ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.

Claire: Okay.

Steve: Aww.

Claire: I'll get back to you on that.

Ricky: Yeah, that's...

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Karl is Very Much a Humanzee

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Tick tock, that's Coldplay and "Clocks", on XFM 104.9.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Ricky Gervais, Stephen--

Claire: I tell you- can I tell you- can I tell you, Coldplay are coming in in a couple of week's time to co-host Zoe Ball's show.

Ricky: Right. One: don't ever interrupt me.

Claire: Sorry.

Ricky: Two: tell 'em about other people's shows.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Okay, moving on, thank you.

Steve: Please do not mention that there are any other television celebrities on this channel- on this station--

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Sorry. Sorry.

Steve: We're trying to convince people it's only Ricky.

Ricky: But the interruption was the main thing.

Steve: Absolutely.

Claire: Sorry. Sorry.

Ricky: Um, well, we can't get a hold of Karl, right. We looked, he's got his- his old number out there- uh- uh--

Steve: What, his home number?

Ricky: Yeah. His home number, right, so, uhh, we went to the new records - he hasn't even given his new home number so sommat's funny goin' on, he doesn't want to be contacted. He hasn't given me his home number, I've tracked down a friend who's looking at it for us, that phone might ring at any moment, I apologize for that, but why is Karl not available?

Steve: It's interesting that neither you or I, and I like to think of ourselves as fairly close friends of Karl--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We have made him the man that he is today.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We can not get in touch with him.

Ricky: In the same way--

Steve: We can't get in touch with him.

Ricky: In the same way that that bloke bought Oliver.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I think that Karl is now ours.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well he- yeah, exac- (Laughing Slightly) I think very much- that's true, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Karl is very much like a humanzee in many ways.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: If we l- we're gonna- we're gonna lose contact with him and find him 5 years in a circus in Manchester.

Steve: Exactly. They're doing experiments on him.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. They're going--

Steve: "We can't figure him out!"

Ricky: Yeah. "Well, it's- there's something wrong with a chromosome--"

Steve: "He looks like a human but..."

Ricky: "He d- he- he acts like a- cuz humans usually stand upright."

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: "And Karl likes to walk on all-fours whenever he can."

Claire Laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "It's th--"

Steve: "He's not interested in other human women. He's interested in- only interested in apes."

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: "It doesn't make sense!"

Ricky: Oh my God! And he's bald.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Steve: He is bald.

Ricky: Oh look, there's as much evidence--

Steve: And--

Ricky: For Karl being a humanzee as Oliver.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I think there's more. I think there's more. And, aww...

Steve: Well, Karl barely walks upright.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Scared of fire...

Ricky: Yeah. I kn- it- it is interesting, isn't it? Oliver was built, wasn't he?

Claire: Yeahhh.

Steve: See, I d- I--

Claire: Big boy.

Steve: I don't know know w--

Ricky: He was a- yeah, he was--

Steve: Why were you looking, Rick, I'm interested to... I'm interested that you...

Ricky: Uh--

Steve: What, your eyes were, kind of, uncontrollably drawn toward his--

Claire: Steve, they were just there.

Ricky: N-

Steve: I didn't see anything.

Claire Laughs

Steve: I was just lookin' at his face.

Ricky: No, I d--

Ricky Sighs

Steve: Sorry, Rick, but if there's something you want to get off your chest...

Ricky: Yeah, and that was the human part of it then, was it, being built like that cuz humans have a--

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Although Karl's is very tiny and hidden behind.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: And he's got- I've noticed something else as well. He's got a big red ass!

Steve: That's true.

Ricky: Hasn't he?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. It's all beginning to slide into place.

Ricky: That's... And I've seen him climb up a t- a cabinet and eat a banana as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just to--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Of a lunch time.

Steve: And peel it with his toes.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It's all coming together.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, we're gonna track him down because I- I- he's malingering. He's definitely malin--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'll tell you what, he's at home now in the garden swinging on his tire.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: He's not ill.

Steve and Claire Laugh

Steve: I think more truthfully, someone said to me, uhh- I said, uh, "Karl might be ill", they said, "Right, are you not gonna do the radio show, then?"

Ricky: Well, that's what annoys me--

Steve: I mean, that's the biggest problem is that--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean, let's be honest, we haven't got anything without Karl.

Ricky: All we've got is the hook - people are staying, listening cuz eventually they think we might get through to him at home--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And there'll be fun on this show to be had.

Steve: If we don't get in touch with Karl, I think we may as well shoot off and leave Claire alone to do the show alone.

Ricky: I've got some great music. Is that not a- is that...?

Steve: Well, it's a small- small, uhh, conversation.

Claire: Well, you could leave the music with me, I could just play it.

Ricky: That is true, isn't it?

Steve: There's not many reasons- many reasons to be here.

Ricky: Okay, well, play some great music now, Steve.

Steve: Yeah, play a great tune.

Ricky: Sure.

Claire: Okay, "Wedding Present", Steve.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah--

Steve: Oh, I'll explain what it is afterwards let's play it- it's a- it's a joy.

The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday Begins To Play

Ricky: It's a monkey- it's a monkey theme.

Steve: There is a monkey theme.

Ricky: There is a monkey connection. (DJ Voice) Call in if you know the answer!

Steve Laughs Slightly

Song: The Wedding Present - Pleasant Valley Sunday

It's Expired

Steve: The Wedding Present doing their cover version of "Pleasant Valley Sunday"--

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: That's from this new, uh, compilation of those, uh - remember they brought out a load of seven inches in 1992?

Ricky: Of course I do. Of course I do. Of course I do.

Steve: (Laughing Slighty) One of them- one of- one o--

Ricky: It was my- it was my favorite day.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Absolutely. And, uhh--

Ricky: Awww, awww.

Steve: And on the bay- b- do you remember on the B-side of each one, there was a cover of a different song?

Ricky: Steve, I even played the B-side of each one.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And listened to the song.

Steve: That's one of 'em.

Ricky: The connection there that we're talking about was, of course, it was by The Monkees.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Ricky: They- they turned up in yesterday's episode, didn't they?

Claire: Oooh!

Steve: A- a lot of people, I'm sure, wouldn't have seen this documentary, it was on Channel 5, after all.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: So, I always feel like we should, uh, remind people that, uhh- what we're- what we're actually talking about. If we just happen to mention Oliver, a lot of people don't know what that means.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uhhmm, if we explain that it is the primate version of Karl--

Ricky: Yeah, exactly.

Steve: That's the, sort of, shorthand, isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah. Ha- yeah.

Steve: Yeah. But it was- they were on a Japa- they- they- they- the human--

Ricky: The humanzee.

Steve: The humanzee. He was on a Ja- Japanese, uhh, TV show with- they were doing experiments on him to find out if he was half human and The Monkees happened to be there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Micky Dolenz saying, "You know, I'm quite interested to find out because, you know, I'm... a ... Monkee."

Claire: Oooooooh!

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: "One of The Monkees". It was extraordinary.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Well--

Steve: It was utterly bizarre. Of course, we, umm- we've been off jetting around the world, Claire. I- I don't know- I don't want to boast, I'm sure you don't want to boast either. But, uh--

Claire: No, I- Karl told me you've been off, you know- off to the States.

Steve: Yeah, that was the reason we weren't here, the last couple of weeks that we went to, uhh, Los Angeles.

Claire: Business or pleasure?

Steve: It was a little bit of business, a little bit of pleasure.

Claire: Mmm.

Steve: You know, I like to combine the two. (Laughs Slightly) And, uhh--

Ricky: It was, uhh- we were, uhm, uhh, meeting, uhh, a- a company about doing "The Office" for America, uhhm--

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Actually re-doing it?

Ricky: Yeah, re-doing it.

Steve: Not- not- not with Ricky or any of the cast--

Ricky: No.

Steve: But with American actors.

Ricky: American actors do it, yeah. So...

Steve: But the thing was they- they- they were flying us over - it was like the whole business-class trip. You know, they spent a little bit of money and, uhhh--

Ricky: Virgin Upper Class, actually.

Steve: Virgin Upper Class--

Claire: Nice.

Steve: I'd like to recommend that.

Ricky: I'd like to- excellent. It's- it's brilliant.

Steve: Very good service. Very good service.

Claire: Easy. Easy.

Ricky: Definitely get free flights now.

Claire: Easy.

Steve: Definitely.

Ricky: Brilliant. Yeah.

Steve: Richard Branson - lovely bloke and I loved "Tubular Bells" so well done on that.

Ricky: It is- I don't- I don't- I don't think he- I don't think he owns it anymore.

Steve: Does he not?

Ricky: But he's still a lovely bloke.

Steve: Still a great guy.

Ricky: He's a still a good- what does he own? He must own something that we can get.

Steve: Oooh, d- d- d- d- does he- involved with Virgin Records anymore?

Ricky: (Exhales) I wouldn't of thought so.

Claire: No, no, it'd be V2.

Steve: Well, I--

Ricky: What does he do?

Claire: V2 and Virgin Vie.

Steve: What's that?

Ricky: Right.

Claire: Virgin Vie's some--

Steve: Is that a phone?

Claire: Beau- beauty products or something.

Steve: Brilliant. I'll have some of that.

Ricky: What about--

Claire: Virgin Underwear.

Steve: Brilliant. Whatever's free.

Ricky: Yeah, give us some of that. Give us some of that, Branson.

Steve: We'll have anything that's free. Anything that's free.

Ricky: Give us some of that.

Steve: But, I was, uhh, going to New York before going on to Los Angeles where all the meetings- it was just for a little, uhh- just meet some friends over in New York. And, uhh, it's amazing cuz Virgin Business Class, they pick you up in a, sort of, chauffeur-driven car, they drive you down- there's no bo- you don't have to check-in with all the wish--

Ricky: Upper Class. Virgin Upper Class, it's like the f- yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't need to, sort of, queue up with the great unwashed--

Ricky: No.

Steve: With screaming kids - with ordinary people.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Basically, you- they just send your information ahead to the airport and you just drive through a, kind of, drive through McDonald's-style check-in, they take your bag, they take your passport, boom, they drop you off at the executive lounge where there are - I swear to God - lovely free plums. I had two lovely, juicy free plums in the exec- and I haven't eaten plums for years.

Ricky: He forget- he forgets the bloke's name but they had- he had lovely--

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Ding dong.

Ricky: Juicy free plums. All right?

Steve: That- that is why--

Ricky: That's the sort of wit that I am capable of. I heard the word "plum"--

Steve: That is why he is flying first-class (Laughing Slightly) to America to discuss comedy.

Ricky: He men- he mentioned suckin' on fruit, I changed it- I transposed the whole thing so suddenly he was sucking on a man's testicles who he'd never met before!

Claire Laughs Slightly

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: For money.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That's the sort of things I'm capable of.

Steve: Which is only half true.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So he's- he's used his comedy mind--

Ricky: There was no money involved. Right.

Steve: That is why he was being jetted off to America--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To talk comedy. That is the kind of quality you're going to get.

Ricky: But it was- it was great. It was a really lovely flight, it was a lovely car- luxury car and the- the flight- it was like the advert - I th- they've got those beds that, sort of, re- recline--

Steve: Well the- yeah, the seats, kind of, recline so it's almost- you can sleep, it's so comfortable.

Ricky: And you can have anything you want- as much o- and, like, I was fallin' asleep and I, sort of, woke up and, uhh, one of the air hostesses was covering me with a blanket. It was like the advert.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, it was crazy.

Ricky: It was just brilliant, all the lights came down and ever--

Steve: A woman comes around and says, "Do you want a massage?" during the flight. You can have a massage during the flight.

Claire: Oooh.

Ricky: You can have as much drinks- although you can't drink. You have a drink and then you fall asleep.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Because it's so comfortable and they take the lights down. Anyway, it's brilliant.

Steve: So anyway, I can't believe my luck--

Claire Laughs Slightly

Steve: So I'm driving down, I get to the airport in my chauffeur-driven car. Right, I'm sat there, I'm phoning people - my mum and dad, you know, "You'll never believe what I'm off to. Just- just in a car. Just in a chauffeur-driven car", and I get to the airport and I- they- you just hand your passport through the window of this car to this woman who comes over. And I'm just there- I'm just, sort of, buzzing the window down, handing it to her, buzzing it back up like, "I don't want to talk. Check the passport, take my luggage, I don't want to discuss things, you know who I am." And she hands the passport back through the window, she says, "It's expired."

Ricky Giggles

Claire: OOH!

Steve: I went, ("Fool" Voice) "Eewhaa- what do you mean?" She went, "It's expired." I thought- I said, ("Fool" Voice) "It's business-class, what can you do? Can you do anything?" and she went, "No, we- we can send you to America but eight hours later you'll have to just turn around and come back. They won't let you through immigration." And I was like, ("Fool" Voice) "What can I do? I've got to go to Los Angeles and talk about, like, 'The Office' and that?" And she said, uhh, "Well, it's up to you." So, umm, the chauffeur-driven car drove me straight to the passport office down, uhh, in, sort of, uhh, Victoria - which I have to say--

Claire: You went back into town?!

Steve: So I had to come back into town - I didn't get on a plane, I'm wearing my suit cuz I thought I'd wear the suit so I'd look like a real player. So I'm wearing my suit--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love the fact that he wore a suit, I wore a track suit.

Steve: Yeah w--

Ricky: Because I thought, "I don't need to get upgraded. I'm first class."

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I c- I- I- I was- I wanted to go on in my pants and slippers.

Steve and Claire Chuckle

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, uhh, you know, with--

Steve: In fact, isn't that why she covered you with a blanket at one point?

Ricky and Claire Laugh

Steve: But, uhh- so they take me back down to, uhh, the passport- I don't know if you've had to go down and get your passport changed but, uhh, they treat you like you are an illegal immigrant--

Claire: Yeah, like you're- yeah.

Steve: Sneaking into the country. I'm wearing a suit, I've got luggage, you know, I've c- I'm clearly a dignified kind of guy - that's obvious - I'm speaking with a certain eloquence, I've got a certain poise--

Ricky: How?!

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) I've just been working on it in the car.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Oh, right. Okay. Go on.

Steve: And--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: And they just- they say, "You've got to come back" that night, so I had to come back, I had to- I had to get my passport photos done--

Ricky: He called me--

Steve: I had to buy a sandwich but I didn't have enough change for the machine because there was not a- it was an absolute nightmare. I ended up- I spent- I began the day in a chauffeur-driven car on my way to Los Angeles to discuss business with, uh, Universal Television Pictures and I sp- (Laughs Slightly) and I ended the day on the tube--

Ricky Giggles Slightly

Steve: In a suit, with my luggage stood next to one of the posters advertising this radio show.

Claire Laughs

Steve: Which was just embarrassing because people kept pointing and staring and laughing.

Ricky: He called me- he called me, right, he said, "Rick, I've really mucked up-", "Go on.", he went, "My passport expired." I went, "Awww. So what are you gonna do?!" He went- he said, right, I c- he went, "I didn't know passports expired."

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: I went, "What do you mean?", I went- he went, "Well, your driving license doesn't." I went, "What are you talking about?!" He said, "How old do you have to be to know that?" He said- he said, "When will I know all these things."

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: It is!

Ricky: (Laughing) He went, "When will I know all these things?"

Claire: Steve, I want to just come and hug you.

Steve: But do you know what I mean? Did you know that?

Claire: A--

Steve: Did you genuinely know that your passport expired?

Claire: I did because m- my passport expired--

Ricky: Because she's alive!

Claire: A few years ago and I renewed it.

Ricky: Because she's alive in the world!

Ricky Giggles

Steve: There is so much stuff that I don't know because I don't think I've reached a certain age yet. I remember you walking down the street once and you said- there was some road works and you said, "They're probably doing those road works because--"

Ricky: End of the s--

Steve: "It's the end of the financial year and they've got to spend money."

Ricky: Yeah, they have to spend their budget, yeah.

Steve: I thought, "W- how do you know that information?!"

Ricky Laughs

Claire: Cab drivers tell you!

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Steve: But I don't talk to cab drivers! I'm in chauffeur-driven cars! I put the little window up so they don't talk to me.

Claire: Steve, how old are you? How old are you?

Steve: 28.

Ricky: Are you old- are you old enough yet to help a- a long-distance lorry driver back into a car park?

Steve: Definitely not.

Ricky: Ah, you're an idiot, play a record.

Ryan Adams - Answering Bell Begins To Play

Steve: And I'm also- I- I'm not old enough yet to say, uh, uh, "Can I have a pint of lager please, chief?" in a pub.

Ricky and Claire Laugh

Steve: I wonder when I'll get to that age.

Ricky: No, you're a long way off.

Song: Ryan Adams - Answering Bell

Where is Karl

Song: Oasis - Supersonic

Ricky: Another classic, there from Oasis.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: "Supersonic" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess standing in for--

Claire: Hello, hello, yeah.

Ricky: For Karl. But, where is Karl? Where... is... Karl?

Steve: So we've failed to get in touch with him at home...

Ricky: Well, he- look--

Steve: Do you think he's--

Ricky: He doesn't want to be contacted. He's turned every phone off, he hasn't given XFM his new home phone number, he doesn't want to be contacted. I can't believe he's not listenin'... to be honest.

Steve: So you think he's listening now in Manchester?

Ricky: Yeah, he listened- he listened in Manchester. If he's not listenin', he's out and about. Uh, I mean has anyone spotted Karl?

Steve: What's your message to him, Rick, if he's listening?

Ricky: Uhh, get- call up.

Steve: Uh huh. Anything else, more, sort of, uhmm...?

Ricky: Call up or you're fired.

Steve: Okay. Any bad language you want to use - obviously you can't swear on the radio?

Ricky: I can't really say it.

Steve: What sort of words? I mean, the F word, would you say?

Ricky: I'd say the F word, I'd call him, uh, uhhm, a twat, uhmm, uhh...

Claire Laughs

Steve: Would you use the P word? I'm thinking of "prick".

Ricky: Prick, yeah.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Definitely use that.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Sure. Sure.

Ricky: Not on- not on- not on-air, obviously, but I'd call him a stupid, little prick.

Steve: What about "tit"? Would- would you say, "You're a tit"?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay. Alright.

Ricky: "Little- you stupid little bag of tits", I'd say to him.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Not- I mean, privately off- off--

Steve: What about the M.F. word cuz that's pretty intense, that's pretty hardcore.

Ricky: I don't know but--

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Do you think that this is not appropriate now?

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Do you think he's- do you think that would be too- too extreme?

Ricky: I'm worried if I use that, and he was--

Steve: There's no going back.

Ricky: And he was genuinely ill--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I'd feel--

Steve: You'd feel bad later down--

Ricky: A bit of a--

Steve: A C word.

Ricky: Yeh, cock.

Steve: Sure. Oh, cock.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cuz I wasn't thinking of that C word.

Ricky: I- I mean- I mean a male bird.

Steve: Sure. Cuz we've got in trouble with that before.

Ricky: Meaning "penis" and we don't mean that.

Steve: Yeah. We don't--

Ricky: No.

Steve: We don't mean "penis".

Ricky: Uhhm, but if- if you do- if anyone out there- sor- sorry about that. Umm, it was a discussion about bad language, we weren't actually using it, but if any of you out there do see the little twat--

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Get him to call XFM immediately.

Steve: Yeah, and likewise if you're listening, Karl, uh, you cheaky M.F.--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Uhmm, uhh, well "you sexy M.F.", as Prince once said.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Give us a ring because we'd love to talk to you. We just want to find out how you are!

Ricky: Just call in. We know you're listening! Little...

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Shhhhit.

Song: Aimee Mann - Red Vines

I Must Have That Chimp

Ricky: Aimee Mann, "Red Vines".

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Lovely track.

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess in for Karl Pilkington. Little...

Ricky Taps The Desk

Claire Laughs

Ricky: He hasn't called.

Steve: Okay.

Claire: He may be really ill. I'm feeling a bit guilty--

Ricky: I- yeaaah, I--

Steve: How ill is he, though? I mean- do you know what I mean? How ill do you have you got to be to not be able to make a phone call?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I find that hard to believe.

Claire: I- I've got a sore bottom and I made it in.

Steve: Keep talking.

Steve and Claire Laugh Slightly

Claire: I pulled a muscle in my bum.

Steve: How?

Claire: I don't know... And it really hurts.

Steve: Have you tried to trace back through the week and figure out what may have happened?

Claire: Yeah, I went to see the osteopath yesterday.

Steve: Uh huh.

Claire: He put an elbow in it for half an hour. I cried.

Ricky: Hello?

Steve: Is that to--

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: Is it- oh, they've got detachable elbows for that?

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Prosthetic elbows.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah, the elbows. "Just hold this in there for two hours and, uhh..."

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: "Take two--"

Ricky: "Can I take that away?" "You can take that away with you. I won't be needin' that elbow..."

Steve and Claire Laugh

Ricky: "For quite a while."

Steve Chuckles

Steve: We've had an email about, uhh, Oliver the, uhh, humanzee. For those that didn't watch it - there was a documentary last night about a chimp that was supposedly a human - or was half human or might be a--

Ricky: Karl's favorite program ever.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: For a week, Karl has been saying, "It's gonna be brilliant."

Claire: Awww, I wish he was here to discuss it.

Steve: Yeah, and he's not here to discuss it, sadly--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But, uhm, uh, Lee Cranston has, uh- (Laughs Slightly) has emailed in and, uhh, says, uh, "I thought the best part of the Oliver program was the guy Vincent Pace--"

Ricky: Ooh, yeah.

Steve: (Reading) "The camp fella at the piano telling how he first met Oliver. Quote: 'He grabbed his female owner, turned her around and bent her over and went to mount her."

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: (Reading) "'I made an offer to buy him the next day!'"

Ricky Laughs

Steve: (Reading) "Vincent was then shown in a very nostalgic mood, playing melancholic music. He obviously wanted some monkey action."

Ricky: He rea- that's- y- that's--

Steve: I mean, that is potentially libel- libelous.

Ricky: That's- that's libelous. We d- you know we d- that's a joke, there. But--

Steve: We take- I don't take any responsibility for what Lee Cranston says or, indeed, the fact that he que- he puts at the end, "Did he want to turn Oliver into a gaypanzee?".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Question Mark. That's Lee's thought's and opinions--

Ricky: It was funny when he's says, uhh--

Steve: They don't necessarily reflect XFM.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He sees the- the- the chimp mount a human and go, "I've gotta have that chimp!"

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, "I must have that chimp."

Ricky: "I must have that chimp."

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Awww, poor Karl. Where is he? Call in.

Steve: Cuz a- as you mentioned earlier, he was very well endowed, apparently, I didn't see it myself.

Ricky: It was a big- it was a big--

Claire: He was a big boy, mate, yeah.

Ricky: Chimp.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: A big half boy.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: A big half boy, half chimp.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.

Song: Zwan - Honestly

It's Like Having Karl

Ricky: "Honestly", Zwan on XFM--

Steve: Good.

Ricky: 104.9. Right, I just called Karl again - I've been calling him all the time, trying to get through to him, right? He's changed his message. So, he is listening. I've got proof so, can you just call the number, Claire?

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: Right. Right, call this number. Now, listen to this. This is really annoyin'.

Claire Mumbles to Herself

Steve: We should tell you now that this is not a- an amusing sketch or setup.

Dialtone

Ricky: No.

Steve: What's happening there, Claire?

Dialtone

Steve: Not quite happening for you?

Claire: No- no this is alright. We'll try- try again.

Steve: Try that again, Claire.

Claire: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: I'm livid now. I- he's--

Ricky: I'm genuinely annoyed because- you'll see- when you hear the message, you'll realize why. Right.

Claire: Okay. Alright. Let's try again.

Steve: I don't know who he thinks he is, now. I- I'm beginning to wonder if... if his minor celebrity is going to his head... All this nice writeup in- in "Heat Magazine"...

Ricky: Yeah.

Pause

Claire Dials

Steve: It's changed him.

Pause

Steve: Richard Anderson, incidentally, has emailed in.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: "Dickers" Anderson.

Dialtone

Steve: It's not happenin' now, is it Claire?

Claire: Awww, it's not happenin', is it?

Ricky: Why not?

Claire: Because I'm a bit stupid.

Ricky: Why- why c- why can't--

Claire: Because I can't- I can't work it out, can I?

Steve: Can't figure it out.

Claire: Yeeah.

Ricky: How would you call someone normally?

Claire: Well, normally I'd just pick up the phone and dial it.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: No, I don't mean--

Claire: And I'd get--

Ricky: I mean--

Claire Laughs

Claire: It's like- I have a problem getting it through the desk. I'll tell you what, can I play an ad break and practice?

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Alright.

Claire: And pretend this didn't happen and then get back to you.

Steve: Do you know, in a weird way it's like Karl's still here.

Ricky: It's like having Karl. It's like having Karl. Play the ads.

Claire: I'll get back to ya.

XFM

He's Not Ill, Obviously

Song: Snoop Dogg feat. Pharell - Beautiful

Ricky: Bit of Snoop never hurt anyo- when did- when did a bit of Snoop ever hurt anyone, Steve?

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Absolutely nnnnever, I don't think.

Ricky: Right. Okay. Karl's away. He pulled the wool over Claire's eyes as- a few people out there that believed he was ill, I knew he wasn't. In fact, at one point I thought, "Maybe he is ill." Uhm, his message on his answering machine has changed in the last 5 minutes and listen to it. This is evidence that he's not ill. Right.

Claire: Okay, here we go, then.

Steve: Dial that, Claire.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire Dials, Repeating the Numbers to Herself

Steve: A- don't read it out! Anderson- Richard Anderson, I should just say, has, uhh- has, uhh, got in touch...

Claire: Okay.

Steve: Here we go.

Ricky: Hold on.

Claire: Here we gooo.

Dialtone

Claire: Awwww!

Steve: Aww, Claire!

Claire: No, no, I can do it. Just tell them about Anders- tell them about Anderson.

Steve: Alright. This is ludicrous. Yeah, so obviously Richard Anderson- he's, uh- he's emailed in his thoughts - "Dicky Anders", "Anders"--

Ricky: "Danderson".

Steve: "RRandy Anders".

Ricky: Youuu.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: "Dickster", "Dickmeister", "The Dickmeister General".

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "The Dickmeister General". And he says, "There's something making"- have we got it, Claire? "There's something-", he says, "There's something making strange yelping noises in the thicket at the end of my garden. Should I go and prod it to see if it's Karl?"

Ricky Giggles

Karl: (Phone Message) ... home. Sorry I'm not in today but... not well and that. Ehhhm, no more "Rockbusters". I think that's what's affected me - it's got me down a bit.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: So he's joking.

Karl: (Phone Message) But, uhhm...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: (Phone Message) The doctor said I'll be, uh, back... swingin' on me tire in no time.

Ricky: So--

Karl: (Phone Message) So, yeah.

Ricky: So he was listening.

Steve: He's clearly listening.

Answering Machine Voice: If you would like to record--

Ricky: So he hasn't- was listening because we said about "swingin' on the tire"--

Steve: Leave a message.

Answering Machine Voice: At any time.

Answering Machine Beep

Ricky: Right... Karl... call me. In fact, I'll tell ya what, we'll play a little game - Karl would appreciate this. Call- call me, Karl or I'm gonna give out your number. What's the first 5 or 6 digits, Claire?

Claire: Well, it's 0- 07968.

Ricky: 07968. Okay, phone now, Karl... start calling now. Right, give the next number, Claire.

Claire: Uh, it's- it's- you ser- you serious?

Ricky: You s- give the next number.

Claire: 1.

Ricky: 1.

Steve: Make note of this--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Cuz if you want to call Karl yourself--

Ricky: 07968 and the first number to be given out is 1. He's not ill, he's- how do you feel now, Claire, because he's made a full of you, cuz you believed him?

Claire: Well, no- I mean, I actually got really--

Steve: He's made a monkey out of you.

Claire: Sorry for him--

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Last night. Uhm, but now - past hour - I'm- I feel a little bit let down.

Ricky: Right a- ah- right, okay, so we'll give another number out every 5 minutes until Karl calls cuz we know he's listenin' now. He's havin'- he's taking the piss, uhhm, he's not ill, obviously, you can hear that. He could- if y- that was as long as a link, so he could have been here, uhhm, he could e- definitely call. Uhmm s--

Steve: Are we leaving this mess- is this a message we're still leaving on his phone?

Claire: (Laughing) Yeah. We're--

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: We're still leaving it. Y- yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: Good. Yeah. Uhmm--

Steve: Why don't we leave the rest of the show on his phone?

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: As a message.

Ricky: Leave- leave that up, yeah.

Steve: He's gotta listen to it all so he can delete it.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Yeah, exactly. Uhm, and, uhh, the other thing, of course, is that he's not gonna get paid for this.

Steve: No.

Ricky: So he- he's thrown away 80 quid, right.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's 80 pounds.

Ricky: Right, now, in Manchester that's a week's wages--

Steve: Easy.

Ricky: So he's obviously been spoiled. So, for all his Manc charm, he's down here, he's livin' the life of royalty--

Steve: He thinks 80 quid's nothing.

Ricky: He thinks 80 quid's nothing. Already.

Steve: Up there you could be buying- what s- you could be buying yourself your own horse...

Ricky: Yeah. yeah.

Steve: You could probably get yourself a d- a deposit on a flat.

Ricky: Actually- I'd of thought so. I'd of thought so, yeah.

Steve: Easily.

Ricky: And so, uhhm, you know- or sun lamps cuz it's always dark.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He could- he could- he could go mental up there. Now- so--

Steve: Dog, piece of string.

Ricky: So, what- what- so, what's the first digits we've given out?

Claire: 07968...

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: Yeah, and then--

Claire: That's the code.

Ricky and Claire: And then 1.

Ricky: Okay, we'll give out- we'll give out- give out, uhm, a number--

Steve: Another of Karl's (Laughs Slightly) phone number digits.

Ricky: Digits. So, take that down because you'll be- love calling him. Uhhm, should we have a little bit of Feeder or something?

Claire: Yeah.

Steve: Let me just tell you what, uhh- what Dickers said. Uhh--

Ricky: Yeh. Yeah.

Steve: He said- Richard Anderson- he also said, "P.S. - The show's still rubbish without Karl."

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Which is fair enough.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: "Still rubbish...", "Still rubbish without Karl." Now, is that a compliment? "It's still rubbish without Karl" which suggests he thought it might be better with- without Karl?

Steve: No, I think he's- he means it's equally rubbish.

Ricky: Right. Brilliant.

Claire: Nothing changes.

Ricky: Thanks. Thanks Dickers!

Steve: Yeah, he definitely thinks it's even.

Ricky: Dickmeister!

Song: Feeder - Just the Way I'm Feeling

He's Defying Me

Ricky: That's Feeder and "Just the Way I'm Feeling" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Hello.

Ricky: Well, he's defying me. He's not calling in. We're gonna give out his number and he's not calling in. That's even more annoyin'. What- who does he think he is?

Steve: I don't know who he thinks he is. I.... I'll tell you what he- I'll tell you who he is--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He is a little bald Mancunian.

Ricky: Let's never let him forget that.

Steve: That's who he is. I don't know who he thinks he is but there's the fact.

Ricky: I- just- Karl, call in cuz you're annoyin'... me and Steve.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: He's been slaggin' you off as well, Steve.

Steve: Well, go on. What's he been saying?

Ricky: In the week, you know, he was slaggin' you off. I mean, in the week I was joining in and laughing along but now I'm thinking I'm gonna- I'm gonna- no, but now I'm thinking that you're more on my side than he is.

Steve: Thanks very much, Rick. I'm glad to see you've come 'round.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) He said- he was, uh--

Steve: Cuz--

Ricky: I was in, uh- in the- in the, uh, pub with him and, uhm, uhh, Johnny and--

Steve: Alright, so there was a little audience. Good.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: And he said- he went, "Awww!"- he went, "Have you seen 'Men in Black 2'?", I went, "No.", he said, "Have you, Johnny?", he went, "No.", he went, "Aww, there's- there's a thing in it that looks just like Steve."

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: And I went, "What?" He went, "There's a thing, it's got really gangly arms and- and, uhh, uh, bulbous eyes and it just works really fast in the, uh, alien's registration thing." And I went, "Alright", I said, "well, bring that up Saturday". Since he's not here, you know, I th- what do you think of that?

Steve: Well I (Exhales)

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: I j- I (Exhales)

Ricky Giggles

Steve: The reason this is- the problem I have with it is that if- if I was to say things like that about Karl--

Ricky Continues Giggling

Steve: I'd destroy him.

Ricky Continues Giggling

Steve: I- he'd be a broken man after I finished with him.

Ricky: Call in, Karl or Steve's gonna say a few things about you!

Steve: I'm gonna let a couple of home truths out there.

Patti Smith - Because the Night Begins to Play

Ricky: I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. Yeah, we were havin' a- we were- you know, a- at the time I was joining in, we were having- you know, slaggin' you off on other things as well--

Steve: Sure, sure, sure.

Ricky: But now I'm thinking maybe I- I--

Steve: Maybe you were wrong.

Ricky: Maybe I was- yeah, maybe I was taking the mickey out of the wrong person behind their back.

Claire Laughs

Song: Patti Smith - Because the Night

We've Got Nothing

Steve: "Because the Night" from Patti Smith, co-written, of course, with, uh, Bruce Springsteen.

Ricky: Oh, it was a co-write, was it? I thought he wrote it and- oh.

Steve: Yes indeed, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Well, there ya go. You're learnin' something.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Learning something on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Hello!

Ricky: No Karl. Well, Karl's annoyed me, uhhm, he's not playing, he's not ill, uhm--

Steve: Another digit for the number?

Ricky: Uh, yeah, just do one more digit, Claire.

Claire: You serious now?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Claire: 5. 5.

Steve: 5. Good.

Ricky: 5, so 15. Good, we'll just keep doin' that but I'll tell ya what... the best revenge is living well.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Why don't we just do a brilliant remaining 50 minutes of- of show--

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And show the people that we don't need Karl.

Steve: High five!

Ricky and Steve High Five

Steve: Let's do it.

Ricky: Okay? We don't need Karl--

Steve: Oooo--

Ricky: Right, let's go starting now.

Steve: It- from now.

Ricky: Some brilliant- some brilliant stuff.

Silence

Steve: (Nervously) Aww, (Exhales) is it- I was just--

Ricky: You were just gonna say sommat.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah. No, I- I remember when I was... I remember when I was growing up in Manchester--

Ricky: No, you can't...

Steve: Can't...

Ricky: Aw, I s- I t- aww, tell you what's funny to me. I'll tell ya... XFM, uhm, 1, 2.9. I said- no--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Come on. What happened?

Ricky: I saw a- a weird thing... I saw- I was c- you know, uhm... we were in Leicester Square, I was coming through China- I saw a hairy Chinese... kid.

Steve: Mmmm, noo I don't- that's (Trails Off)...

Ricky: It was weird because they're not usually hairy, are they? (Cartoonish Manc Accent) EEEE, did I tell yewww about me auntie Flooora, Steve? Did I--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Is that supposed to be Manchester?

Ricky: (Cartoonish Manc Accent) Eeee, by 'eck... is like. Did I tell thee about me auntie Flora who shat herself for 3 hours once? Did I tell ya? Oooh, eeeeee, I don't... (Struggling) Ooh, there was a woman born once--

Steve: KARL, YOU HAVE TO PHONE US, WE'VE GOT NOTHING!

Ricky: CALL! Awww God, he's so annoying. Little twat.

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Buy it in Bottles