31 May 1998/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 31 May 1998 episode, from Xfm Series 0

It's Ten Past Four

Ricky: Jesus and Mary Chain, The Black. On Xfm 104.9. It's 10 past 4...After the break, Oasis.

ADDS PLAYED

Singing The Praises Of Penk

Ricky: Oasis, Married With Children.

Steve: (sounding bored) Yeah.

Ricky: Xfm, 104.9

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: It's the Ricky Gervais Show. Who am I Steve?

Steve: Gervais. You are Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You are Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: (In a squeeky voice)Lucky You. Yes, it's me, Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Gervais, weren't you out s-signing autographs in the week?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Is this true?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Is this true what I've heard?

Ricky: A couple, yeah.

Steve: What's the story? Tell me.

Ricky: Well, we did this road show from uh, the Doc Martins store..

Steve: Road show?

Ricky: (laughing) w-yeah. yeah

Steve: (laughing) Was it that impressive?

Ricky: Yes, it was me Crowley and Pitts with like a CD player.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...and some boots.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Surrounding us...no, it was good fun.

Steve: And uh, You played some records...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And people were coming up, were they? and asking for your-;

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: asking for your autograph?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: (In one of his voices) Well, you know. uhhh. I'm a bit of a celebrity, Steve I'll be honest.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: If you were really rich,

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: uhh.. what would you spend your money on?

Ricky: ...You know what I'd spend my money on.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Just more foood and drink then I do now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...maybe a few extras holidays.

Steve: How many people- how many people asked for autographs?

Ricky: Oh, I dunno'....thir-;

Steve: 30, 40?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: What about Crowley? Did a- did anyone ask uh, Crowley for an autograph?

Ricky: No. They kept as-asking him if they got this in a size seven

Steve Laughs

Ricky: He's getting really. honestly (giggling)

Steve: He does look a bit like a sort of spotty shop assistant

Ricky: (Laughing) yeah, yeah.

Steve: That you'd find, you know. um 'I'll just go and check with with Moreen

Ricky Laughs

Steve: 'um. meantime, here's Idle Wild

Ricky: I've got a joke.

Steve: Have You?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: We, We'e allowed to tell one joke, are't we, a show?

Steve: One Joke. Cuz I don't want like, you know, Steve Penk or you know

Ricky: No, no it's terrible. No, nothing wrong with Steve Penk.

Steve: I love Penk.

Ricky: Penk's good.

Steve: I'm a big fan of Penk.

Ricky: No, he's great

Steve: Don't get me started on Penk. If I start singing the praises of Penk, we'll (Ricky joins in) be here all night.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: But the point is, you know. You've got your gag. Let's hear it.

Ricky: Right. A little boy, yeah. He's only five years old. He's lost, in a busy highstreet. And he's crying his eyes out. Well he would, he's los his mummy.

Steve Grunts

Ricky: And he's going 'I've lost my fuckin' -;' and the policeman comes up, and uh, goes 'Alright, what's the matter?' and he goes 'I've lost my mummy' Policeman says 'Alright, don't worry, we'll find her. What's she like?' Little kid said 'cock and bingo mainly.'

RECORD PLAYED. INSTANT REPEATER 99 by Soundtrack of Our Lives

Why Should I Stay?

Ricky: Instant Repeater 99, Soundtrack of our Lives on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Gervais, can I just give the listeners one very good reason why they should stay tuned. There are prizes up for grabs very soon, another one of your fantastic movie quizes.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: Is on the way Gervais.

Ricky: and give me one reason why I should stay though.

Steve: he-; uhhh

Ricky: After the break, Blur.

ADS ARE PLAYED. INCLUDING 2 FAKE ADVERTS , 1 BEING FOR BLOOD, SWEAT AND CUM BY BRAINMANGLE AND THE OTHER FOR FUCK LIKE A RHINO BY VELVET NAZI 666 UK. (BOTH SUNG BY RICKY)

WE HEAR THE START OF TRACY JACKS BY BLUR PLAYING

After The Advert There'll Be Another Break

END OF JUMP AROUND BY HOUSE OF PAIN PLAYING

Ricky: I'm not gonna like to ya, That was house of pain and jump around

Steve interupts

Steve: Don't lie to me.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Don't ever lie to me Gervais

Ricky: No. That is. House of Pain Jump Around . We were jumping around

Steve: of course.

Ricky: We got no shame

Steve: no

Ricky: Xfm 1 oh 4 point 9. It's 20 to 5...

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: I'll be honest. After the ad break there'll be another record.

JUMP AROUND BY HOUSE OF PAIN FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY.

Steve: Is there gonna be another a-;

Ricky: Deffintely

Steve: There's gonna be an add break..

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: You're not lying to me?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Really? ah!

ADVERTS ARE PLAYED WHICH INCLUDES THE FAKE ADVERT FOR MUFF SHANDY'S BRAND NEW SINGLE EARPLUGS ARE GAY

Steve Made Me Do It

END OF NUMB BY PORTISHEAD

Ricky: Portishead. Numb.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: After the break, a classic, by Housemartins

Steve: Lovely

Ricky: St-Steve made me do it

Steve: Brilliant

Ricky Lists What is Coming

THE END OF BABY BIRD'S BAD OLD MAN iIS PLAYING

Ricky: Baby Bird. Bad Ol' Man.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: XFM 104.9

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Nearly half five. Ad break, Scope, Song For Body,

Ricky corrects himself

Ricky: -;Bobby, competition, film quiz, ummmm

Steve: Sheddies

Ricky: Shed Seven Album, um Midget um album, um Xfm album with

Ricky mumbles something incoprehensible

BAD OLD MAN BY BABY BIRD FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY

Ricky: -;Am I making sense?

Steve: No.

Steve (probably) bangs on desk

Steve: Play a record.

SKIPS TO END OF SONG FOR BOBBY BY SCOPE