02 November 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 02 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Ladies Boobs

Song: Foo Fighters - All My Life

Ricky: Foo Fighters "All My Life" on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant…

Steve: Hello.

Ricky: …and of course Karl Pilkington. Oooooo have we got a show for you today.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Haven't we?

Steve: What have we got planned, what have we got planned?

Ricky: Oh we've got loads, awwww

Steve: Come on.

Ricky: Loads of stuff and it- two hours of it.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And all the records.

Steve: Specifically what sort of stuff have you planned for us? Cause I know you've been working hard.

Ricky: What have you done what have you done?

Steve: Cause I see oh you know I've been busy this week I've been house hunting I've had various things but I know you've had the whole week off.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: So what have you been up to?

Ricky: Go on then, Karl. Karl, tell him what we've got. Tell him what you've- what we've planned and all the stuff you've done.

Karl: What have you got?

Steve: But Rick, Specifically what have you come up with?

Ricky: I've uh-

Steve: Quick quick quick quick cause people are gettin' bored. Tell us what you've-

Ricky: Ok, I've come up with um the music.

Steve: Right, I c- obviously that- we've already planned that. We planned that last week, so that's all done. But what have you yourself contributed to today's show?

Ricky: I got uh- I got uh… um… uh… a text message today from Ross Noble. You know, Ross Noble the comedian.

Steve: M-hm.

Ricky: Who's on- who's on Have I Got News For You.

Steve: Right

Ricky: Alright? He says, "Ask Karl, if he woke up with ladies' boobs would he just put a dress on and live as a lady or would he just be a man but with these boobs?"

Steve: Karl it's a good question.

Karl: Oooo

Steve: I know, I know that happened to Ross.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So he's throwing that one out at ya.

Ricky: He did in a way cause he ate pizzas for a year, didn't he?

Steve: Yes he did.

Ricky: He got a lovely pair of breasts.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Or man boobs.

Karl: Probably just find a loose fitting jumper and go to the doctors

Ricky laughs

Ricky: What would you say to the doctor? How would you explain this phenomenon to the doctor? See you'd be- you'd be happy with this cause you believe in um- shite like you know-

Karl: No no no no no

Ricky: Go on. What?

Karl: But it can happen cos I told ya a couple of weeks ago how that can happen.

Ricky: What? What ha-

Karl: How you can wake up with breasts if you're a fella. I told ya.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Haven't ya remembered?

Ricky: No I I I funny that, innit? Go on.

Karl: Have you, Steve?

Steve: No I I don't remember this. Wh- did you tell us on air?

Karl: Yeah. Um it can happen if you go to Argentina and have a steak…

Ricky sniggers

Karl: … you can wake up with breasts. Because-

Steve laughs

Karl: Because they-

Steve: I'm sure I would have remembered that.

Ricky: Karl, pull the other one.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Look'it he likes that he likes that!

Steve: Is that what you’ve come up with for this week, that joke?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant play a record it's gonna be a dynamite show.

Karl: What song do ya want?

Ricky: Oh right listen, look we're gonna play- I'm gonna play some classic tunes today I'm gonna educate the youngsters, Steve.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Right, now you've all heard of Lou Reed, you've all heard of Velvet Underground but, you know, have you heard of "Venus in Furs", Karl?

Steve sings "Shiny shiny…"

Ricky and Steve sing "Shiny boots of leather"

Song: The Velvet Underground - Venus in Furs

Selling a Futon

Ricky: "Venus in Furs" Velvet Underground. What a great start. A classic song.

Steve: I mean they continue to sound fresh and different.

Ricky: Yeah. Is this- do you know what that s-song's about, Karl?

Karl: No.

Ricky: M&S. M&S

Steve: It's about M&S

Ricky: You know that?

Karl: Is it?

Ricky: You know, the shop.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: It's all about that.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Bout plush and all that, all the things you can get at Marks and Spencers.

Steve: Shiny boots of leather.

Ricky: Yeah, being whipped.

Steve: Yeah, I think that's a new division they've opened.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. But we have got a great show lined up.

Steve: Have we? No, go on.

Ricky: No no we have cause we've got um- uh- Rockbusters, coming up the great quiz.

Steve: Really looking forward to that.

Ricky: And that- that's- that's made the press.

Steve: Has it?

Ricky: Um Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah, um- uh- Friendly Tearooms Newsletter mentioned it.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Um- we've also got-

Steve: That's Karl's local isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah we've also got uh Educating Ricky where Karl educates me. The one last week, (in a Manc accent) A girl, right, she was deaf and she's had an argument with her mum, she pushed her and she hit her head and then she could hear again.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Don't know what I learned from that.

Steve: No.

Ricky: It might be- it might be subliminal- summat might be going- it might be a metaphor that I will learn from.

Steve: Yeah it's like a parable.

Ricky: Yeah yeah so uh- look at his face.

Steve: So um-

Ricky: We might as well have been talking Dutch. Mightn't we, Karl?

Pause

Ricky: Say something, quick, it's radio.

Karl: D-d- I don't understand what you want from me.

Ricky: Awww, we're only joking.

Karl: Alright so… Educating Ricky, I've worked a bit harder this week, got some good stuff.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: Uh- I'll give you the- the- the-

Steve: The teaser headlines later.

Karl: The headlines in a bit.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: We have got-

Steve: So you've got- you've got Rockbusters as well.

Ricky: Karl's having a bit of a stressful week cause he thinks he's not appreciated, cause he- he- he gets in at- what time you gettin' in, about 8 or 9 don't ya?

Karl: About… well last w- well yeah I've been busy this week, I've been in about half past 8 in the morning.

Ricky: Yeah and been leaving when?

Karl: About half past 8 or 9:00 at night.

Ricky: Yeah, and in Saturday.

Karl: Yeah, I'm in now.

Ricky: You get paid, don't ya?

Karl: I'm busy at home at the moment.

Ricky: A lot of people work late, Karl. A lot of people work 12 hour days.

Steve: Why are you busy at home, Karl? What you up to?

Karl: Cos we're tryin' to sort out a move.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: I've been tryin' to call around this morning to get someone to buy a futon and a table from me.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Um.

Steve: Well we could put that appeal out now, couldn't we, if anyone wants to buy a futon or a table?

Ricky: Just think a futon that Karl Pilkington slept on.

Steve: Exactly. How much are you uh- you asking?

Karl: Whatever, uh-

Steve: Well you need to be more specific.

Karl: You gotta take the two, I don't want, like, different people coming round an' that.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Gotta buy futon and a table, um-

Steve: It's quite specific, isn't it? If someone has to want a futon the-

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: The specific futon you're selling and the table.

Ricky: And the tea mate, isn't it. Alarm clock and teamaker this is futon and table.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um-

Karl: Lookin' for about- about a hundred quid.

Ricky: And it's good to- it's good condition, the futon?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Right less aged you haven't pissed yourself in the- no.

Steve: No, nothing? And what kind of table, what sort of table is it we're talking? Are we talking like a table for a lounge, a d- dining table?

Karl: No, f- for uh- like a computer and uh- uh just uh- you know something-

Steve: Have you got any drawers? Are there any drawers?

Karl: No.

Steve: There's no drawers.

Karl: No it's just a nice wooden table and uh- solid-

Steve: Is it- is it kind of oak or is it sort of an Ikea sort of thing?

Karl: No it's like oakish.

Steve: It's oakish.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: So, a hundred quid.

Ricky: The futon is just- is just a mattress and the- and the- the- the pallets, yeah?

Karl: Yeah but it's not- you see, you get cheap futons don't you.

Ricky: So not this one is it-

Karl: This is a good one it's- it's uh-

Steve: How much would that have retailed for when you purchased it?

Karl: I think I paid about 250 for it.

Steve: So it's a bargain for people?

Karl: Well, if you look at it, if you-

Steve: Now how long have you had it, how old- how old is it?

Ricky: This is a whole new strand, isn't it?

Steve: Well, I think it- I this is-

Ricky: I don't thing it's legal, I think- I don't think we should use-

Steve: I'll tell you what I'm interested in, Rick is-

Ricky: What?

Steve: -just finding out a little bit about the sort of thing that Karl's got in his home, you know?

Ricky: I- I'm interested in if people will phone up to spend a hundred pounds just to go round-

Steve: Karl's house, yeah.

Karl: No no I won't be, no.

Ricky: What?

Karl: No no they come here I'll bring it to work and they can pick it up here.

Steve: You're gonna bring a futon and a table to work? Don't you ride a bike to work?

Ricky: So hold on we need someone with a van, now.

Steve laughs

Ricky: So we need- is- is anyone who wants to- they're not allowed round your house, can they meet you next door, someone with a van who will-

Steve: Can they meet you in your street somewhere?

Ricky: Hold on, could they meet you, hold on what about the little Chinese fella that lives across the road, on the 2 houses and the old woman who's dead reading a book? Could- could you meet him somewhere-

Steve: I've got an idea, what about if you meet them at the end of your street, you blindfold them-

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: Like they do when- when terrorists take the negotiator to the uh-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The hideout.

Ricky: The big cheese.

Steve: And um- and so you can do that and in- and so, you know they- they could piece together, maybe where you live.

Ricky: With sounds.

Steve: By sounds and stuff.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: But, uh- what about that, Karl? That’s- that's just a great idea.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And would you sign the futon for people, d'you think? Would you uh- would you give 'em a little signature? Or maybe you could-

Ricky: Or maybe you could sign the pallet, you could sign the pallet.

Karl: Yeah, or I could try and get work to buy it off me and then we give it away for Rockbusters.

Ricky: Do you think they'd do that? You think they'd do that? They'd probably do it for Foxy with his- with his big hog.

Steve: Imagine how big that would be.

Ricky: Imagine if he wanted to sell his hog.

Steve: Yeah. That is a motorbike isn't it? I-

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, he's been selling his hog for money for years doesn't he?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Karl: So, but we'll see about that if people are interested.

Steve: So uh- if people are interested then maybe email um- [email protected] if you're interested in a futon.

Ricky: Buy- buy Karl's futon.

Steve: And uh-

Ricky: Competition, one hundred pounds O-N-O.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah? Yeah?

Karl: What gear have we got in here?

Steve: I never knew what that meant, O-N-O, I don't- I thought it meant sort of on the nose, on the noooose.

Ricky: Oh that's good, yeah. Um- what have we got well tell 'em what we've got we've got to give away Steve.

Steve: Actually I have to say you've excelled yourself this week.

Ricky: And we got Richard Ashcroft's single coming up soon after this, go on.

Steve: When have you- since when have you taken to talking like that?

Ricky laughs

Steve: It does amuse me.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Um- this is actually- this is a nice little collection here, this is a 3 DVD set uh- David Attenborough's uh- The Life of Birds: Trials of Life and Life in the Free Zone.

Ricky: That's a good one, innit? Go on.

Steve: That's a selection of- uh- animal-based documentaries.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um- we've got.

Ricky: That's what he's best at.

Steve: Well, absolutely.

Ricky: I hate when he goes off for boar and he does like uh- fast cars.

Steve: This is uh- a very very good indeed, this is uh- uh- a best of David Bowie compilation

Ricky: It is a very good- it's a top one-

Steve: It's uh-

Ricky: Not the rubbish ones that no one else wanted this is a brilliant compilation of Bowie.

Steve: Yes it's got an excellent selection on there. Uh- we've got- what's this? Now this looks like a Madness… oh no, no no no no no, no it's far worse than we could have possibly imagined, it seems to be some kind of-

Ricky: Is it Our House?

Steve: -tie in with the Our House Madness musical.

Ricky: And it's sort of what a cast of 20 people who wanted to be singers?

Steve: Uh- I ca- it's tricky to find out I can't figure out if it's the originals or not but needless to say if you're a Madness fan I'm sure that will be an absolute treat.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeah, you'll love that you'll love that.

Steve: Uh- now I know that uh-

Ricky: Steve, I wouldn't mind that DVD collection meself.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I can't- we can't give it away, no we can't.

Steve: Talking of great compilations what about this is Country Legends

Ricky: Oh that's alright.

Steve: I'm seeing on there Glen Campbell we've got Dolly Parton we've got um- whatchamacallit on the- on the cover.

Ricky: Whatchamacallit?

Steve laughs

Ricky: From from-

Steve: A great performer.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Jake um- Whatchamacallit.

Ricky: Oh excellent.

Steve: Great hits from him so uh- that's there-

Ricky: Well uh- what a collection

Steve: That's uh some Xfm compilation again easy to get hold of if you-

Ricky: But the big one, the big one the film that Karl uh- picks every week.

Steve: The DVD movie.

Ricky: The big one.

Steve: This week.

Ricky: Don't go out tonight if you've got a DVD player and a television set cause you'll be staying in and watching this fantastic film.

Steve: It will tear your soul apart. It's Hellraiser.

Ricky laughs

Steve: The original Hellraiser, bear in mind it has been on Channel 4 and Channel 5 and on most cable channels since it came out. But if you haven't seen it- if you are one of the only people who has not seen it and of course you have to be over 18 to play, then you can win Hellraiser.

Ricky: That is fantastic well uh- play a- play a song, Karl and we'll come back to that, more- more great stuff.

Steve: Indeed the competition coming up later. Email only isn't it, Karl?

Karl: Yeah, yeah

Ricky: Futon.

Steve: Haha, a futon's still available.

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Check The Meaning

Selling an Orthopedic Chair

Ricky: Richard Ashcroft "Check the Meaning." Well, Karl you're chuffed aren't ya? What's happened? What's just happened? Tell the listeners what's happened.

Steve: This has sparked you up a bit.

Karl: Steve's just called up, he's uh- put in an offer for the futon and the table.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Um- I think he wanted to- he definitely wanted it but I said, "Look, now think about it over the weekend."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Give us a call.

Steve: Well you're not a hustler.

Karl: No well I'm no- I'm not gonna rush him into it because once he's got it he- he can't bring it back. I'm not messin' about.

Steve: No.

Karl: Um- so-

Ricky: The bloke said uh- "What sort of wood is it?" Karl said, "Sort of uh- sort of like a light brown color." He went, "What, beech colored?" Karl went, "Depends what beach you're on."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Which was nice.

Steve: You do understand there's a wood that's called beech.

Ricky: Called beech.

Karl: Uh- well- well he's- he's happy he likes the sound of it and I had a plum cover.

Ricky laughs

Karl: So it's gonna be uh-

Ricky: Yeah. Is Karl going, "That will go with (mumbles)" he's just going, "I'll tell you what'll look nice in your spare bedroom…" It was like a-

Steve: Well he did- he-

Ricky: -an episode of Changing Rooms it was like listening to a representative Karl

Steve: He did the deal in under 3 minutes wasn't it?

Ricky: He's pretty good innit he?

Steve: You phoned him about half way through in that song so-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You work pretty quick, Karl, I've gotta say.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: It's your Manc scally ways.

Ricky: I'm sure we're not allowed to do this, though.

Steve: No I think it's highly criminal.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But have you got anything?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Well I tell you I am moving shortly so I mean I might- I might come in next week I could have a couple of things.

Ricky: I threw away a desk the other day.

Steve: I've gotta get rid of a bed, um- a chair, cause you know I'm pretty tall. This is so pathetic. When I- when I moved up to London my dad said, "Well you wanna be careful cause I mean the seating in a lot of these London pads it's a bad scene, very low backs. Fashionable isn't it, fashionable chairs and stuff you're a big guy, 6 foot 7 you need, like, a decent chair." We went into a shop, it was, like, a second hand furniture shop, right? We bought this chair, very high backed.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: What did you buy? The fact that you bought so low I love that.

Steve: It was just a chair so I could sit in my room and watch TV.

Ricky: But was it a soft chair or was it a wooden chair?

Steve: It was kind of like a sort of uh- it was gr- lemme explain cause it's kind of like an armchair but it's kind of got wooden arms. So I get this chair I bring it up to London I'm-

Ricky: Imagine that.

Steve: This is a wonderful chair.

Ricky: I love it!

Steve: And I'd be watching TV everyone else is in agony-

Ricky: Right, yeah so

Steve: But I've got this lovely chair, right? And someone went- and they looked at it and they went, "Isn't that an orthopedic chair?"

Ricky chuckles

Steve: And I looked at it again, right? And I realized it's kind of wipe cleanable.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's made of some kind of fabric that allows you to just mop it down with a wet cloth.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Cause I think it came from an old people's home.

Ricky: Oooooh

Steve: You know when you see, like, old people-

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: -in some kind of social room, it- at old people's homes just sat watching a little-

Ricky: Yeah, everything's dry wipe.

Steve: -cruddy old TV and they can- and you can wipe everything clean, it was- it's one of those chairs.

Ricky: Ah that's fantastic.

Steve: So if anyone's- maybe they've got an elderly relative.

Ricky: Did you keep slipping off?

Steve: (laughing) I just kept sliding off and it's also the most uncomfortable chair I've ever- cause unless you've got chronic back pain…

Ricky laughs

Steve: It just is pre- it's just the most uncomfortable chair. It makes you sit all upright-

Ricky: Well you've-

Steve: -if not slightly forward.

Ricky: You’ve done a good sell on it. I think uh- are the phones aren't going mental how much do you want for that, Steve?

Steve: If you've had a recent accident or you've got a disabled or- or um- or someone in the house who's just uh- elderly then um- maybe you might wanna get in touch. I'm happy to- you can tell that I'm out for 25 quid.

Ricky: This is so wrong.

Steve: 25 quid I'll take that.

Ricky: Awww no.

Steve: If you're setting up an old people's home

Ricky laughs

Steve: You know, it's a little pet project.

Ricky: Yeah you don't get a lot of grant, you can have-

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I mean um- because though Steve's such a high flier, I mean, if it really is a good cause he'll just give it to ya.

Steve: (high pitched) Well

Ricky laughs

Steve: Let's not rush into anything, Rick. I like to assess each case individually.

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Certainly, certainly if you are a charity then- then I might go for 20 quid, I can- you can take it off my hands for 20 quid.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Um- but otherwise 25 and I'll tell you-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -it is in good condition cause I haven't really sat on it.

Ricky: 5 quid off if you really are infirmed.

Steve: And there were some stains, I've wiped them clean.

Ricky: Uh (laughing) yeah, yeah, uh- oh dear. Well that's fantastic so we've uh- we've uh-

Steve: Well let's- I'll tell you what we should resuscitate next week, Swap Shop, The Multicolored Swap Shop.

Ricky: Well I uh- honestly-

Steve: That's a great format.

Ricky: But there's a couple of things I've always wanted to get, Swap Shop is one of them and the other one is Superstars.

Steve: I don't remember Superstars.

Ricky: Superstars was great cause it was, like, the people of their time. So you'd have, like, people like- nowadays you'd have- you'd have Beckham and uh- uh- um- Whatshisname- uh- who's the tennis player? Who's it?

Steve: Rusedski

Ricky: Yeah, (mumbles) and they- they have to compete. So all these people have to compete at each other's sports and they have to choose 7 out of 10 sports. And there's a leaderboard and there's a big final, oh Keegan came off his bike.

Steve: Uh- it's not- it's not-

Ricky: Jacks always used to win it

Steve: it's not…

Ricky: No no it's real sports

Steve: It's real proper sports.

Ricky: It's proper sports, it's 100 meters, tennis, weightlifting, all the real sports you- you can't do your own sport.

Steve: Well I know you're a pretty big uh- guy now in- in British TV. You're a bit of a big shot. What d'ya reckon, pull some strings?

Ricky: Let's get it back on air.

Steve: (laughing) Let's get back in there.

Ricky: Superstars.

Steve: Superstars, sounds fantastic.

Ricky: Me, Johnny Vegas, Peter Kay- (high pitched) for the- for the- a bigger fella I think, maybe. The comedy- comedy superstars. Um- what we got next? We got a bit of Springsteen haven't we?

Steve: Let's play Springsteen. This is a track from his current album The Rise. A lot of people think…

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: …Bruce is a bit M-O-R, bit middle of the road or whatever, but, you know, I just think, piss off.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I just think, screw you. Just play it.

Ricky: I just think- yeah. Get lost you.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Imagine this you're open top Caddy

Steve: Yeah right

Ricky: You're just going around Route 66, you just, you goin' home maybe for Thanksgiving.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: See your folks. Just turn up the radio if you are.

Steve: Play the tune, Karl.

Ricky: Probably not, though.

Steve: That just reminded me when I brought a- just stop it for a second. I just realized.

Ricky laughs

Steve: -I brought- when I brought-

Ricky: Shambles. Absolute shambles.

Steve: When I brought a girl back and she saw the orthopedic chair

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Did you?

Steve: When you bring a woman back to your pad, oh it's embarrassing.

Ricky: and the harness.

Steve: Yeah. (laughing) and the-

Ricky: Yeah and the (laughs). "Can you give me those two splints?" "I'm sorry?" "Those two splints, there." "Well I've got to go." "Have you?"

Steve: Is this a potty under the bed?

Ricky laughs

Song: Bruce Springsteen - The Rising