31 May 1998/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 31 May 1998 episode, from Xfm Series 0

It's Ten Past Four

Ricky: Jesus and Mary Chain, The Black. On Xfm 104.9. It's 10 past 4...After the break, Oasis.

ADS PLAYED

Singing The Praises Of Penk

Ricky: Oasis, Married With Children.

Steve: (sounding bored) Yeah.

Ricky: Xfm, 104.9

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: It's the Ricky Gervais Show. Who am I Steve?

Steve: Gervais. You are Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You are Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: (In a squeeky voice)Lucky You. Yes, it's me, Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Gervais, weren't you out s-signing autographs in the week?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Is this true?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Is this true what I've heard?

Ricky: A couple, yeah.

Steve: What's the story? Tell me.

Ricky: Well, we did this road show from uh, the Doc Martins store..

Steve: Road show?

Ricky: (laughing) w-yeah. yeah

Steve: (laughing) Was it that impressive?

Ricky: Yes, it was me Crowley and Pitts with like a CD player.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...and some boots.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Surrounding us...no, it was good fun.

Steve: And uh, You played some records...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And people were coming up, were they? and asking for your-;

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: asking for your autograph?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: (In one of his voices) Well, you know. uhhh. I'm a bit of a celebrity, Steve I'll be honest.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: If you were really rich,

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: uhh.. what would you spend your money on?

Ricky: ...You know what I'd spend my money on.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Just more foood and drink then I do now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...maybe a few extras holidays.

Steve: How many people- how many people asked for autographs?

Ricky: Oh, I dunno'....thir-;

Steve: 30, 40?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: What about Crowley? Did a- did anyone ask uh, Crowley for an autograph?

Ricky: No. They kept as-asking him if they got this in a size seven

Steve Laughs

Ricky: He's getting really. honestly (giggling)

Steve: He does look a bit like a sort of spotty shop assistant

Ricky: (Laughing) yeah, yeah.

Steve: That you'd find, you know. um 'I'll just go and check with with Moreen

Ricky Laughs

Steve: 'um. meantime, here's Idle Wild

Ricky: I've got a joke.

Steve: Have You?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: We, We'e allowed to tell one joke, are't we, a show?

Steve: One Joke. Cuz I don't want like, you know, Steve Penk or you know

Ricky: No, no it's terrible. No, nothing wrong with Steve Penk.

Steve: I love Penk.

Ricky: Penk's good.

Steve: I'm a big fan of Penk.

Ricky: No, he's great

Steve: Don't get me started on Penk. If I start singing the praises of Penk, we'll (Ricky joins in) be here all night.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: But the point is, you know. You've got your gag. Let's hear it.

Ricky: Right. A little boy, yeah. He's only five years old. He's lost, in a busy highstreet. And he's crying his eyes out. Well he would, he's los his mummy.

Steve Grunts

Ricky: And he's going 'I've lost my fuckin' -;' and the policeman comes up, and uh, goes 'Alright, what's the matter?' and he goes 'I've lost my mummy' Policeman says 'Alright, don't worry, we'll find her. What's she like?' Little kid said 'cock and bingo mainly.'

RECORD PLAYED. INSTANT REPEATER 99 by Soundtrack of Our Lives

Why Should I Stay?

Ricky: Instant Repeater 99, Soundtrack of our Lives on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Gervais, can I just give the listeners one very good reason why they should stay tuned. There are prizes up for grabs very soon, another one of your fantastic movie quizes.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: Is on the way Gervais.

Ricky: and give me one reason why I should stay though.

Steve: he-; uhhh

Ricky: After the break, Blur.

ADS ARE PLAYED. INCLUDING 2 FAKE ADVERTS , 1 BEING FOR BLOOD, SWEAT AND CUM BY BRAINMANGLE AND THE OTHER FOR FUCK LIKE A RHINO BY VELVET NAZI 666 UK. (BOTH SUNG BY RICKY)

TRACY JACKS BY BLUR BEGINS

Is Ricky Gervais A Very Good DJ?

END OF TRACY JACKS BY BLUR IS PLAYING

Ricky: Blur. And Tracy Jacks Xfm 104.9 I really am a very good Dj.

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, yeah maybe. uh O-1-7-1-5-8-O-2000. D'you agree with that statement? Is Ricky Gervais a very good DJ?

TRACY JACKS BY BLUR FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY

Ricky giggles

Steve: Gervais, looking at the cover of the News of the World today..

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: I'm shocked. I mean we all know. I mean how are you coping?

Ricky: um I'm

Steve: How are you getting through the days?

Ricky: I'm in shock. I'm- I'm sort of pretending it hasn't happened. I'm playing a lot of the old records

Steve: I know. I know exactly that. Yeah uh.. The Spice Girls are on the brink of spliting up,

Ricky: yeah

Steve: Gerri Halliwell ha-has left the band. uh, rumour has it. But, even more worryingly. Alright? apparently, the reason Gerri left was that she was bullied out of the group by Scary Spice. Apparently Scary Spice , Mel B, is absolutely vicious, lots of you know, lots of remarks about Gerri...

Ricky: Oh dear

Steve: Always sniping and going at her and uh,

Ricky: Well this must be

Steve: Gerri's left

Ricky: particularily close to your heart cuz you were bullied at school by a popstar weren't you?

Steve: I was indeed

Ricky: Who was that?

Steve: Lionel Richie

Ricky: really?

Steve: Yeah. It was a nightmare. The thing was, uh, Lionel had just left The Comodores

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: and he had a lot of pent up nervous energy, d'ya know? which he just used to take out on me by

Ricky: Take it out on you

Steve: by pummeling me in the face

Ricky: because you, looked gimp

Steve: Yeah. It was just annoying really.

Ricky: What year was this?

Steve: That was. Must oh been. ooo. '82?

Ricky: Well it must of- must of worked cuz he was about to have like, um, big hit with Dancing on the Ceiling

Steve: True enough

Ricky: He would-hold on. He wouldabeen flying high before that with Hello.

Steve: Well exactly that you see. The thing was, um, you know. He'd had a string of top ten hits

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: I was about 14.

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: I didn't have, the chart credibility...

Ricky: No

Steve: With which to fight back.

Ricky: To fight back.

Steve: D'you know what I mean? I mean often he would just be throwin' my satchell in the tree you know? uh, and singing "Hello. Is it (Ricky joins in) me your looking for?"

Ricky: Wha-what chance did you have against that?

Steve: H-how could I cope with that? You know. he's got a great singing voice. I haven't got soul.

Ricky: I know it's terrible

Steve: You know what was I gonna say??

Ricky: that is terrible

Steve: umm. But you had a similar problem, didn't you?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Were you not bullied by a band?

Ricky: That was before-I'm older then you. This was about 20 years ago when I was a kid at school.

Steve: Really.

Ricky: And uh. I was bullied by a whole band.

Steve: You were bullied by a whole band?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Who?

Ricky: Hansen.

Steve: ...Well, there bastards

Ricky giggles

RICKY'S GINGER HELPLINE IS PLAYED

After The Advert There'll Be Another Break

END OF JUMP AROUND BY HOUSE OF PAIN PLAYING

Ricky: I'm not gonna like to ya, That was house of pain and jump around

Steve interupts

Steve: Don't lie to me.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Don't ever lie to me Gervais

Ricky: No. That is. House of Pain Jump Around . We were jumping around

Steve: of course.

Ricky: We got no shame

Steve: no

Ricky: Xfm 1 oh 4 point 9. It's 20 to 5...

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: I'll be honest. After the ad break there'll be another record.

JUMP AROUND BY HOUSE OF PAIN FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY.

Steve: Is there gonna be another a-;

Ricky: Deffintely

Steve: There's gonna be an add break..

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: You're not lying to me?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Really? ah!

ADVERTS ARE PLAYED WHICH INCLUDES THE FAKE ADVERT FOR MUFF SHANDY'S BRAND NEW SINGLE EARPLUGS ARE GAY

Steve Made Me Do It

END OF NUMB BY PORTISHEAD

Ricky: Portishead. Numb.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: After the break, a classic, by Housemartins

Steve: Lovely

Ricky: St-Steve made me do it

Steve: Brilliant

HEAR END OF HAPPY HOUR BY HOUSEMARTINS

Ricky Lists What is Coming

THE END OF BABY BIRD'S BAD OLD MAN IS PLAYING

Ricky: Baby Bird. Bad Ol' Man.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: XFM 104.9

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Nearly half five. Ad break, Scope, Song For Body,

Ricky corrects himself

Ricky: -;Bobby, competition, film quiz, ummmm

Steve: Sheddies

Ricky: Shed Seven Album, um Midget um album, um Xfm album with

Ricky mumbles something incoprehensible

BAD OLD MAN BY BABY BIRD FINALLY FADES OUT COMPLETELY

Ricky: -;Am I making sense?

Steve: No.

Steve (probably) bangs on desk

Steve: Play a record.

SKIPS TO END OF SONG FOR BOBBY BY SCOPE

Competition Answers

Blackstar by Radiohead is fading out

Ricky: Radiohead. Blackstar. On xfm 104.9 it's the Ricky Gervais Show

Blackstar finally fades out

Steve: but does-;

Ricky: We have the competition

Steve: does-does the bleeping, happen in the pub?

Ricky: 'Course it doesn't!

Steve: wh-

Ricky: You can say what you want...live, can't ya? in a pub.

Steve: I'm just a bit confused

Ricky: I know. well you're easily confused.

Steve: There's a competition winner, you'll be pleased to know

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Danesh Desilver, from Wimbledon has won those three cds and can I just say they're already weeing their way to him as we speak

Ricky: Yeah

Steve chuckles

Ricky: probably-;

Steve: I just say that

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: absolute nonsense

Ricky: they're probably outside on the table. you've lost the bit of paper

Steve: yup

Ricky: and that. that excuse for a producer.

Steve: You'll be very suprised if those Cds ever make it to Wimbledon.

Ricky: (laughing) yeah, I'll be honest. yeah

Steve: aah. Gervais. It's-I've. You know, it's been great. we've enjoyed ourselves

Ricky: what was the film clip then?

Steve: oh the film of course! we didn't even give it away. It was Terminator 2

Ricky: Of course it was. The classic scene when the uh, T uh, one thousand, puts the big sword through the uh, lift and Lynn Hamilton goes 'what was that?' oh and he explains

Steve: That was a fantastic clip there from the film and hopefully another film quiz next week.Perhaps-

Ricky: We've got another one, yeah

Steve: Gervais

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: and I must say that the film quiz thing is very popular at the moment. A lot of people very excited by that...

Ricky: we got an ad break coming up.

Steve: Have we?

Ricky: and then a classic from Placebo, yeah?

Steve: Placebo? I'd rather have ***** Pulp

Ricky: ...we'll play both

Steve: Brilliant

Ads are played

I Wish I Could Bleep Him Out

Techno beat fading out

Lawrie: The feisty five are now the feisty four. Gerri Halliwell has left the Spice Girls. The announcement was given by her solicitor in London.

Music is finally inaudible

Lawrie: The other band members say they'll go on without her but the Sun's showbiz corespondent, David Wigg, says it won't work

Recording of David Wigg playing. "You're going to have Victoria next year wanting to get married to David Beckham and she'll probably want to have a baby so gradually we'll see them fall away. This is the demise of the-of the Spice Girls deffintely cuz Gerri was so popular she was one of the most popular members as she was the leader"

Music played

Music fading out

Lawrie: Just gone six o'clock uh, but uh, they're still here, aren't you boys?

Ricky: Righ-

Steve: Yes

Ricky: Y-yeah

Steve: yeah, yeah

Ricky: Just saying 'cheerio'

Lawrie: It's like bad pennies really..

Ricky: I left-I left me with that. k-nicky

Music finally fully fades out

Lawrie: Yeah, it's generous of you. you've left the seat down too low as well I had to raise it up again

Ricky: Really?

Lawrie: and you've left one, two, three, four, five cups in here

Steve: ..do-don't complain

Lawrie: and two empty ashtrays and you don't, don't leave your crown behind you. that last week, keep leaving that retched thing here

Steve: God he's starting all ready!

Ricky: look at his shirt

Ricky and Steve try to talk over eachother

Ricky: what do you feel like when a man in that shirt can criticize you Steve?

Steve: In a way I wish I could bleep him out

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: what? just a two hour bleep?

Steve: Yeah, just a big two hour bleep

Ricky: I just gotta say um, happy birthday Catherine and sorry Holly I didn't read you fax but our fax machine chewed it up after it sent it again.

Steve: Didn't hear a word of that

Ricky: no

Steve: Lawrie, play a song

Lawrie: Alright then