08 November 2003/Transcript

(00:00-14:00) SiK

RG: Yeah yeah yeah – Darkness. I Believe in a Thing Called Love, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, You’re –

SM: Steve Merchant.

RG: Steve Merchant, sure. That’s little Karl Pilkington over there. Where is he?

SM: There he is. Yeah.

RG: There he is. All right?

SM: Hee-hee!

RG: Ayyyyy! Back together again.

SM: The old gang.

RG: Yeah, started last week.

SM: A triumphant return.

RG: Think it went well last week, didn’t it, Karl? Good show, wasn’t it?

SM: You loved it, didn’t you, Karl?

KP: It was all right, yeah.

RG: Yeah? Now, uh, you weren’t speaking to Suzanne last week at this time.

Steve laughs.

RG: Because, she had her hair cut, probably quite an expensive haircut, she’s a lady in media, she’s got to look good, so she goes, probably doesn’t go to the barber like you, or just shave it, at home, probably spent quite a little bit of money on it. She came home, she thought, my, my – my sweetheart-

SM: My lover –

RG: My lover, my sweetheart, you know what I mean? The man in my life, is gonna love this –

SM: Well he adores everything about me, he’s gonna love my hair.

RG: She walked in – ‘Hello Karl’ ‘All right? You look like Dave Hill from Slade’

Steve laughs

RG: Is what you said to the poor woman. And THEN! Talked about it on air, she was furious about that. So what did you do?

SM: Did she listen, Karl?

KP: She did listen, yeah. And she wasn’t happy.

SM: She heard you were slagging her hair off.

KP: Yeah. Well …. well what annoys me …

RG: This is probably annoying her now.

KP: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we can do a lot today because she’s at work.

Ricky laughs

RG: And of course no one’s gonna tell her!

KP: Let’s have a chat about her fat arse!

RG and SM laugh

SM: Oh …. dear. Oh … dear.

Ricky laughs

RG: You are in so much trouble!

Ricky laughs

RG: Look – he’s realized .. he has … he is a little bit worried! Oh! Didn’t – didn’t you go and buy her a coat or summat?

KP: Took her, took her out on Sunday, treated her to a new coat and that

RG: Yeah.

KP: I offered as well, I said, I said I’d pay for her to have it done again.

RG: OH! So! KARL! Oh!

Ricky laughs

RG: OH MY CHRIST.

SM: So she listened to the show, what did she say? You got home – she’d heard you slaggin’ her hair off,

RG: I mean, imagine, imagine that – he thinks that’s a good thing. Sorta like ‘We won the pools!’ ‘Brilliant! What we doing?’ ‘Well you can have facial surgery now, love!’

Steve laughs

RG: It’s sorta like … it’s just …Christ! You offered to have it done again. Unbelievable.

KP: (Stammers) I got home and, uh, she’s like all, bit moody with me. All right?

RG: You thought, ‘Summat’s wrong, she must’ve listened to the show. I’m slaggin’ off her hair’.

SM: Well his first thought probably was ‘She’s probably looked at herself in the mirror. She agrees with me’.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yup. The barber’s been round again! Yeah?

KP: And um .. she just said, ‘Aw, that wasn’t very nice of you, was it?’ So I just said ‘Hang on a minute.’ I said, ‘That’s, that’s what we do on the show. When I’m slaggin’ off, you know, Chinese people lookin’ old or whatever,’ I said ‘You never interfere’.

Ricky laughs

SM: Sure.

RG: I love the fact –

SM: She’s got to get her priorities straight.

RG: I love the fact that she’s in the same queue as a billion people you’ve never met.

SM: Yeah.

RG: That’s fantastic. She’s in the same queue. Well … you didn’t complain, love –

SM: ‘Cause Karl, I don’t think Karl has ever admitted he might be in the wrong, ever. Certainly not to you or I.

RG: That is so true!

SM: Isn’t it?

RG: That is SO TRUE!

SM: He’s never admitted that he might be in the wrong. So did you, in this instance, agree that maybe you’d overstepped the mark?

KP: No – I just said she, she took it badly.

Steve laughs

KP: Do you know what I mean? I mean it’s only a haircut.

RG: Yeah?

KP: See – you haven’t seen it. So, you can’t, you can’t start interfering.

SM: Sure. Yeah, OK.

RG: I haven’t seen it. But I, I very much doubt she looks like Dave Hill Slade. Who, unless I’m mistaken, used to cut his hair with garden sheers blindfolded.

Steve laughs

RG: Um, so – you know what I mean? And did her teeth stick out and did she start speakin’ with a Brummie accent as well?

KP: Got used to it now anyway.

SM: So you bought – so at one point, at some point you came crawling back and said, ‘Do you want me to buy you a coat?’

KP: I just said ‘Let’s, let’s leave that. Let’s go out, and have a good weekend. Get your hat before we go.’

Ricky laughs

KP: And uh …

Ricky laughs

RG: Oh God!

KP: Treated her to a new coat and that.

RG: Ohhhh.

KP: It’s a nice coat, so it takes, people will look at that rather than –

RG: The hair.

KP: Lookin’ a the head.

RG: What’s it do? Flash? It’s got obscenities across the back?

SM: If anyone who knows Karl’s girlfriend is listening –

RG: Tell her.

SM: And uh, maybe you’re a work colleague and you’re listening to the show.

RG: Could I – terrible.

SM: Get her to phone him NOW.

RG: Get her to phone him now, I mean, forget the hair.

SM: …. on the Xfm number…

RG: What, what’s the fat arse complaint line? Because you are in deep shite.

song

RG: Cemetery Gates, by The Smiths. Of course, off The Queen is Dead, album. Lovely tune. Makes you happy, doesn’t it?

SM: Absolutely.

RG: It’s a nice song about dead people.

SM: Yeah. Beautiful. I uh, just wondering, Rick, what your thoughts, what your opinions are on, Britney Spears.

RG: Uh – liked a couple. Bit bored. She’s - I think she’s panicking a little bit, I think she’s a bit desperate with all this Madonna stuff,

SM: Yeah, all the kind of lesbian …

RG: Yeah, I dunno, I dunno. Um, dunno – yeah, she’s all right. I’ve got nothing against the girl.

SM: Well I read, I think it was in Hot Tickets magazine, free with the Evening Standard … um, ooh – I might get some free Evening Standards now! I’ve plugged that!

RG: Yeah.

SM: I um, was just reading in there, that, I don’t know if this is still gonna happen but apparently she was gonna do a, uh, a cheeky appearance at G.A.Y.

RG: G.A.Y?

SM: In, um, in London. And uh, obviously, I was quite excited, ‘cause I’m a Spears fan –

RG: D’ya – Sorry, you know what that spells, don’t ya?

SM: G.A.Y?

RG: Yeah.

SM: Gay.

RG: Yeah.

SM: Yeah yeah yeah. Well I think it is a gay club.

RG: Oh, sure go on.

SM: This is what – this is what I was ascertaining from the article.

RG: Ohhh … so … that’s what they’ve said … they’ve called it, what, sort of what it is.

Steve laughs

SM: Exactly.

RG: Yeah.

SM: And um, and perhaps she was gonna be, um, be previewing some of her new album live on stage, at G.A.Y. Now that’s an intimate venue, normally you get to see someone like Spears probably Wembley Arena, somewhere

RG: Yeah.

SM: I’m thinkin’, ‘I’m a Spears fan. Get some of the gang together’

RG: Yeah – some of the lads.

SM: Y’ know. Exactly.

RG: Yeah yeah yeah

SM: Cruise down there. But um, but then I read on in the article that apparently, the doormen at G.A.Y., were only gonna let in – uhhh – regulars. And the way they were gonna ascertain if you were a regular was by asking a series of questions at the door.

RG: What – testing if you were really –

SM: Testing – now, I don’t know if the questions would be about the interior of G.A.Y.,

RG: Or the interior of, someone else, yeah.

SM: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, or just general, kind of –

RG: What – well, do you reckon you woulda passed the, uh, the test?

SM: Well that’s what I was wondering –

RG: So, so you’d have had to pretend to be –

SM: G.A.Y.

RG: G.A.Y, to get in, to see Spears. Now that –

SM: Can you say ‘gay’ on the radio?

RG: Yep. I think so. Um, but, it’s irony, isn’t it. So you’re pretending to be gay to get into a club to see, a bird you like?

SM: Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.

RG: I’ll – I’ll give you a little quick test.

Steve laughs

SM: All right.

RG: Shall I? Um, all right. Uh – all right – what’s, sorry, what’s your name? Mate?

SM: Um… Paulo.

RG: All right, Paulo?

SM: Yeah.

RG: Um, right, you haven’t done a lot with your hair – you just sorta let it, sorta let it grow out, I mean, would you be puttin’ product on a bit later, ‘cause I mean, you don’t look, very, I mean, sort of like, you look sort of quite,

SM: Quite masculine, quite –

RG: Yeah, well, sorta like, like you didn’t care, like you have no care about how you look, like you’re a –

SM: Yeah well normally it would be shaved.

RG: Ahh, OK. You say normally, now that would, that looks like about, like 3 months growth there. Why would you –

SM: I’ve been ill.

(pause)

RG: Nothing serious?

SM: Nothing serious.

RG: OK.

SM: No, that’s why, I’ve let it, grow. So it’s, grown,

RG: OK! So what, what time would you normally be goin’ out then?

SM: Normally I’d go out about, sort of, uh, I’d go out about 8ish.

RG: 8—8:00 in the evening, you’d go out!

Steve laughs

SM: No no no no no …

RG: ‘Cause that sounds, sounds a bit early. That’s what - nor–

SM: No, I’d go out about, 3 in the morning, normally.

RG: Right. So I (mutters) … so that’s right, that’s right, yeah. Where’d you go, sort of, Old Compton Street for a coffee and then, on to, G.A.Y.,

SM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

RG: With your little shaved – head. UM, OK, well, d’- d’ – you’re doin’ fine, you sounded great –

SM: Sounding pretty gay.

RG: Can I just ask you one final question?

SM: - Do I get bender points?

RG: I’ll give you 20 bender points, I’m just gonna let you in, I’m just gonna tell the guards to let you in, BUT, there’s just one more question: Do you prefer … knobs or tits, Paulo?

SM: Ho! Well, uh, knobs.

RG: Nobs. You like knobs, do ya? Can’t get enough, knobs, so you, what, you hate tits, I assume?

SM: Yesss.

RG: Oh-kay. What – even Liza Minelli’s?

SM: I don’t know what to say! I – Yeh… I love hers.

RG: But not in a, straight way.

SM: Not in a straight way, in a gay way.

RG: So, OK. OK. So you love nobs more than tits, right. OK, OK. In ya go!

SM: Brilliant! Thanks very much.

RG: You know Britney’s on, do ya?

SM: Aw, she’s so sexy.

RG: Ohh..

SM: See? That’s what would give me away,

RG: I know.

SM: It’s like The Great Escape.

RG: It’s just – the last.

SM: Yep.

RG: Well, you, (stammers) I think you’re probably a bit bi.

Steve laughs

SM: Right.

RG: Yeah. But I mean, go in anyway.

Steve laughs

SM: Thanks very much.

RG: OK, drinks are quite expensive. Pop your shirt off, will ya.

Steve laughs

song

RG: Hey-ya. Outkast. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. You all right, Karl?

KP: Yeah yeah yeah, not bad. Just um … when you were talkin’ just now, about, about the gay stuff, right, I don’t know if you saw, uh, thing in the week, about the fella, who’s on that, quiz show. RG: Who?

SM: Ohhh. Right. OK.

KP: Sort of -

RG: Who?

KP: Fella … straight, sort of man. Man-woman.

RG: What you talkin’ about? What? Tell me the … r- right- w-what did you see? Tell me what you saw.

KP: It’s uh –

RG: This is like a kid come runnin’ in, and he’s seen somethin’ frightening, and it could be an alien, could be a ghost, could be a paedophile, and you’ve got to get exactly what actually he saw out of him. Right, what did you actually see?

KP: Just this, this fella who’s, uh, who’s a woman.

RG: Right –

Steve laughs

RG: Right! OK! Right, try and talk, like a – human being. Right.

KP: See it’s a quiz show, that’s comin’ on the telly. And um, it’s this, this woman –

RG: Uh! Right! Is it a fella who’s a woman, or is it a woman?

KP: Bit ‘a both, that’s why I’m talkin’ about it.

RG: But what do you mean?! Is it a pre-op, is it a transsexual, a transvestite, is it – a lady boy, is a hermaphrodite, what is it?

KP: I’ll tell you about it!

RG: Well tell me!

KP: I’m tellin’ you! It’s, it’s, it’s a woman. Well, it’s a man –

Steve laughs

RG: OH! For-- forget it! Play a record!

SM: No, go on.

RG: What?

KP: Is, it’s, it’s – RG: IT?

KP: It is a man. He is a man. Well –

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: OH CHRIST!

KP: It’s a TV program where, they’ve got this –

RG: Transvestite? Or television?

KP: It is a transvestite, yeah.… But, but the problem is – I’ll tell ya, just, ‘cause you don’t know about it, the program is --

RG: I – I still don’t know about it! I don’t know anything about it, still, I don’t know anything – ‘Woman – man – man – woman – man. Man – woman – TV – TV program – TV!’

KP: No, it’s a man who is now sort of half a woman.

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: A man who’s now half a woman!

KP: No, well this is what’s weird about it! He, he’s got the top half, but not the bottom half sorted out.

RG: What you mean, he – he’s got breasts and a wig, but he’s still got his, his boys, downstairs. He’s –

KP: Why you do that?

RG: His captain and the boys, are still there in his Y-fronts, but upstairs he’s got a lovely pair of dumplings.

KP: Why do that?

RG: Well, he’s halfway thru!

KP: But why not get it done in one, one go?

SM: Maybe he couldn’t afford it!

KP: Well, wait, till you you’ve got all the money! That just looks a mess.

Ricky laughs

KP: And who’s he pleasing, there?

SM: Well, everyone!

RG: Well he wakes in the morning, pleasin’ himself, he can’t believe his luck! He doesn’t know where to start!

KP: No, but what I don’t understand, I mean, I don’t – I don’t want to seem—

RG: Can I just finish that sentence? What you don’t understand is just about everything.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Right. What, what —

KP: I find it weird, right, I sort of get – I, I understand the gay thing, right?

RG: Do ya? What’d’ya mean?

KP: But – well – I, I know-

RG: Well tell me the gay thing. Explain the gay thing.

KP: Well, I just know if, you’re a fella, you like, you like men. I don’t know, much more than that.

RG: What’d’ya mean, you don’t know –

KP: Well what I mean is, with transvestite, what’s going on there? Wh-what do they want?

RG: Transvestite is, is, is a, a cross dresser.

KP: (pause) See – I don’t, I don’t get that either. Because,

RG: You mean a transsexual.

SM: Normally, that’s a man, who likes to dress in women’s clothing. It’s not necessarily, they’re not necessarily gay-

RG: They’re not gay, they’re often not gay –

SM: They just happen to like wearing women’s clothes.

KP: But, but, then why not wear women’s clothes, that, could be seen as a bloke’s? Like – Suzanne wears jeans.

RG: No, but they – that’s the thing –

KP: Just buy woman’s jeans.

RG: (Stammers) But – but that’s their problem, isn’t it. They, they, they like being seen as a, as a, as a, AS a woman. They like being seen as a woman. It’s not just that it’s more comfortable, or they’d wear a kilt. They like being seen as a woman. They feel more comfortable.

KP: (pauses) All right. And what’s the deal with this fella who’s got –

SM: We don’t know who this fella is.

RG: No. We don’t know this man who’s half a woman.

KP: He’s called Miriam.

Ricky laughs

SM: Oh, that’s helped.

RG: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

RG: I love this, scientific basis –

SM: No, I think—

RG: So, all he’s done, he’s, he’s had the tits done, he’s probably had the hormones, probably lived as a woman for awhile, the last step, ‘cause you could probably reverse the breasts anyway, ‘cause they’re, they’re probably implants, and hormonal things, and, whereas, y’ ya’ chop your knob and, um, boys off, that’s, uh, you have that the next day and go, ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean that – I wanted me ears pierced. It’s a bit more of a bigger operation, to put them back. So, doctors are probably making sure that he’s –

KP: Surely you’ve had the top half done, you’re not going to go back on what, you’ve said?

RG: But then, what’s the top half being done? You mean, you, I could – I could have, get you breast implants, give you a bit of hormonal treatment –

SM: Now that would be a great idea for next week’s show.

RG: And, and you could reverse it. What you can’t do is grow a knob back.

SM: Well, you can! Last week was all about growing one on your arm!

RG: Yeah.

KP: We’ve done that.

Ricky laughs

SM: So that is possible. But the thing is, the truth of it is, is, I think I do know about this story. I think it was a television program called There’s Something about Miriam.

RG: Oh!

SM: The conceit of which was that this pre-op, transsexual –

RG: So I guessed that right. Yeah.

SM: Um, was masquerading as a woman.

RG: Right.

SM: And, various blokes, under – who didn’t realize that this was a man – had to, um,

RG: (gasps) Oh, I’ve heard about this!

SM: Try to seduce – him/her. And, when they found out that it was actually a bloke, and they, a lot of them had kissed, uh, him/her. They um –

(14:00)