08 November 2003/Transcript

(00:00-14:00) SiK

RG: Yeah yeah yeah – Darkness. I Believe in a Thing Called Love, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, You’re –

SM: Steve Merchant.

RG: Steve Merchant, sure. That’s little Karl Pilkington over there. Where is he?

SM: There he is. Yeah.

RG: There he is. All right?

SM: Hee-hee!

RG: Ayyyyy! Back together again.

SM: The old gang.

RG: Yeah, started last week.

SM: A triumphant return.

RG: Think it went well last week, didn’t it, Karl? Good show, wasn’t it?

SM: You loved it, didn’t you, Karl?

KP: It was all right, yeah.

RG: Yeah? Now, uh, you weren’t speaking to Suzanne last week at this time.

Steve laughs.

RG: Because, she had her hair cut, probably quite an expensive haircut, she’s a lady in media, she’s got to look good, so she goes, probably doesn’t go to the barber like you, or just shave it, at home, probably spent quite a little bit of money on it. She came home, she thought, my, my – my sweetheart-

SM: My lover –

RG: My lover, my sweetheart, you know what I mean? The man in my life, is gonna love this –

SM: Well he adores everything about me, he’s gonna love my hair.

RG: She walked in – ‘Hello Karl’ ‘All right? You look like Dave Hill from Slade’

Steve laughs

RG: Is what you said to the poor woman. And THEN! Talked about it on air, she was furious about that. So what did you do?

SM: Did she listen, Karl?

KP: She did listen, yeah. And she wasn’t happy.

SM: She heard you were slagging her hair off.

KP: Yeah. Well …. well what annoys me …

RG: This is probably annoying her now.

KP: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we can do a lot today because she’s at work.

Ricky laughs

RG: And of course no one’s gonna tell her!

KP: Let’s have a chat about her fat arse!

RG and SM laugh

SM: Oh …. dear. Oh … dear.

Ricky laughs

RG: You are in so much trouble!

Ricky laughs

RG: Look – he’s realized .. he has … he is a little bit worried! Oh! Didn’t – didn’t you go and buy her a coat or summat?

KP: Took her, took her out on Sunday, treated her to a new coat and that

RG: Yeah.

KP: I offered as well, I said, I said I’d pay for her to have it done again.

RG: OH! So! KARL! Oh!

Ricky laughs

RG: OH MY CHRIST.

SM: So she listened to the show, what did she say? You got home – she’d heard you slaggin’ her hair off,

RG: I mean, imagine, imagine that – he thinks that’s a good thing. Sorta like ‘We won the pools!’ ‘Brilliant! What we doing?’ ‘Well you can have facial surgery now, love!’

Steve laughs

RG: It’s sorta like … it’s just …Christ! You offered to have it done again. Unbelievable.

KP: (Stammers) I got home and, uh, she’s like all, bit moody with me. All right?

RG: You thought, ‘Summat’s wrong, she must’ve listened to the show. I’m slaggin’ off her hair’.

SM: Well his first thought probably was ‘She’s probably looked at herself in the mirror. She agrees with me’.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yup. The barber’s been round again! Yeah?

KP: And um .. she just said, ‘Aw, that wasn’t very nice of you, was it?’ So I just said ‘Hang on a minute.’ I said, ‘That’s, that’s what we do on the show. When I’m slaggin’ off, you know, Chinese people lookin’ old or whatever,’ I said ‘You never interfere’.

Ricky laughs

SM: Sure.

RG: I love the fact –

SM: She’s got to get her priorities straight.

RG: I love the fact that she’s in the same queue as a billion people you’ve never met.

SM: Yeah.

RG: That’s fantastic. She’s in the same queue. Well … you didn’t complain, love –

SM: ‘Cause Karl, I don’t think Karl has ever admitted he might be in the wrong, ever. Certainly not to you or I.

RG: That is so true!

SM: Isn’t it?

RG: That is SO TRUE!

SM: He’s never admitted that he might be in the wrong. So did you, in this instance, agree that maybe you’d overstepped the mark?

KP: No – I just said she, she took it badly.

Steve laughs

KP: Do you know what I mean? I mean it’s only a haircut.

RG: Yeah?

KP: See – you haven’t seen it. So, you can’t, you can’t start interfering.

SM: Sure. Yeah, OK.

RG: I haven’t seen it. But I, I very much doubt she looks like Dave Hill Slade. Who, unless I’m mistaken, used to cut his hair with garden sheers blindfolded.

Steve laughs

RG: Um, so – you know what I mean? And did her teeth stick out and did she start speakin’ with a Brummie accent as well?

KP: Got used to it now anyway.

SM: So you bought – so at one point, at some point you came crawling back and said, ‘Do you want me to buy you a coat?’

KP: I just said ‘Let’s, let’s leave that. Let’s go out, and have a good weekend. Get your hat before we go.’

Ricky laughs

KP: And uh …

Ricky laughs

RG: Oh God!

KP: Treated her to a new coat and that.

RG: Ohhhh.

KP: It’s a nice coat, so it takes, people will look at that rather than –

RG: The hair.

KP: Lookin’ a the head.

RG: What’s it do? Flash? It’s got obscenities across the back?

SM: If anyone who knows Karl’s girlfriend is listening –

RG: Tell her.

SM: And uh, maybe you’re a work colleague and you’re listening to the show.

RG: Could I – terrible.

SM: Get her to phone him NOW.

RG: Get her to phone him now, I mean, forget the hair.

SM: …. on the Xfm number…

RG: What, what’s the fat arse complaint line? Because you are in deep shite.

song

RG: Cemetery Gates, by The Smiths. Of course, off The Queen is Dead, album. Lovely tune. Makes you happy, doesn’t it?

SM: Absolutely.

RG: It’s a nice song about dead people.

SM: Yeah. Beautiful. I uh, just wondering, Rick, what your thoughts, what your opinions are on, Britney Spears.

RG: Uh – liked a couple. Bit bored. She’s - I think she’s panicking a little bit, I think she’s a bit desperate with all this Madonna stuff,

SM: Yeah, all the kind of lesbian …

RG: Yeah, I dunno, I dunno. Um, dunno – yeah, she’s all right. I’ve got nothing against the girl.

SM: Well I read, I think it was in Hot Tickets magazine, free with the Evening Standard … um, ooh – I might get some free Evening Standards now! I’ve plugged that!

RG: Yeah.

SM: I um, was just reading in there, that, I don’t know if this is still gonna happen but apparently she was gonna do a, uh, a cheeky appearance at G.A.Y.

RG: G.A.Y?

SM: In, um, in London. And uh, obviously, I was quite excited, ‘cause I’m a Spears fan –

RG: D’ya – Sorry, you know what that spells, don’t ya?

SM: G.A.Y?

RG: Yeah.

SM: Gay.

RG: Yeah.

SM: Yeah yeah yeah. Well I think it is a gay club.

RG: Oh, sure go on.

SM: This is what – this is what I was ascertaining from the article.

RG: Ohhh … so … that’s what they’ve said … they’ve called it, what, sort of what it is.

Steve laughs

SM: Exactly.

RG: Yeah.

SM: And um, and perhaps she was gonna be, um, be previewing some of her new album live on stage, at G.A.Y. Now that’s an intimate venue, normally you get to see someone like Spears probably Wembley Arena, somewhere

RG: Yeah.

SM: I’m thinkin’, ‘I’m a Spears fan. Get some of the gang together’

RG: Yeah – some of the lads.

SM: Y’ know. Exactly.

RG: Yeah yeah yeah

SM: Cruise down there. But um, but then I read on in the article that apparently, the doormen at G.A.Y., were only gonna let in – uhhh – regulars. And the way they were gonna ascertain if you were a regular was by asking a series of questions at the door.

RG: What – testing if you were really –

SM: Testing – now, I don’t know if the questions would be about the interior of G.A.Y.,

RG: Or the interior of, someone else, yeah.

SM: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, or just general, kind of –

RG: What – well, do you reckon you woulda passed the, uh, the test?

SM: Well that’s what I was wondering –

RG: So, so you’d have had to pretend to be –

SM: G.A.Y.

RG: G.A.Y, to get in, to see Spears. Now that –

SM: Can you say ‘gay’ on the radio?

RG: Yep. I think so. Um, but, it’s irony, isn’t it. So you’re pretending to be gay to get into a club to see, a bird you like?

SM: Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.

RG: I’ll – I’ll give you a little quick test.

Steve laughs

SM: All right.

RG: Shall I? Um, all right. Uh – all right – what’s, sorry, what’s your name? Mate?

SM: Um… Paulo.

RG: All right, Paulo?

SM: Yeah.

RG: Um, right, you haven’t done a lot with your hair – you just sorta let it, sorta let it grow out, I mean, would you be puttin’ product on a bit later, ‘cause I mean, you don’t look, very, I mean, sort of like, you look sort of quite,

SM: Quite masculine, quite –

RG: Yeah, well, sorta like, like you didn’t care, like you have no care about how you look, like you’re a –

SM: Yeah well normally it would be shaved.

RG: Ahh, OK. You say normally, now that would, that looks like about, like 3 months growth there. Why would you –

SM: I’ve been ill.

(pause)

RG: Nothing serious?

SM: Nothing serious.

RG: OK.

SM: No, that’s why, I’ve let it, grow. So it’s, grown,

RG: OK! So what, what time would you normally be goin’ out then?

SM: Normally I’d go out about, sort of, uh, I’d go out about 8ish.

RG: 8—8:00 in the evening, you’d go out!

Steve laughs

SM: No no no no no …

RG: ‘Cause that sounds, sounds a bit early. That’s what - nor–

SM: No, I’d go out about, 3 in the morning, normally.

RG: Right. So I (mutters) … so that’s right, that’s right, yeah. Where’d you go, sort of, Old Compton Street for a coffee and then, on to, G.A.Y.,

SM: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

RG: With your little shaved – head. UM, OK, well, d’- d’ – you’re doin’ fine, you sounded great –

SM: Sounding pretty gay.

RG: Can I just ask you one final question?

SM: - Do I get bender points?

RG: I’ll give you 20 bender points, I’m just gonna let you in, I’m just gonna tell the guards to let you in, BUT, there’s just one more question: Do you prefer … knobs or tits, Paulo?

SM: Ho! Well, uh, knobs.

RG: Nobs. You like knobs, do ya? Can’t get enough, knobs, so you, what, you hate tits, I assume?

SM: Yesss.

RG: Oh-kay. What – even Liza Minelli’s?

SM: I don’t know what to say! I – Yeh… I love hers.

RG: But not in a, straight way.

SM: Not in a straight way, in a gay way.

RG: So, OK. OK. So you love nobs more than tits, right. OK, OK. In ya go!

SM: Brilliant! Thanks very much.

RG: You know Britney’s on, do ya?

SM: Aw, she’s so sexy.

RG: Ohh..

SM: See? That’s what would give me away,

RG: I know.

SM: It’s like The Great Escape.

RG: It’s just – the last.

SM: Yep.

RG: Well, you, (stammers) I think you’re probably a bit bi.

Steve laughs

SM: Right.

RG: Yeah. But I mean, go in anyway.

Steve laughs

SM: Thanks very much.

RG: OK, drinks are quite expensive. Pop your shirt off, will ya.

Steve laughs

song

RG: Hey-ya. Outkast. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. You all right, Karl?

KP: Yeah yeah yeah, not bad. Just um … when you were talkin’ just now, about, about the gay stuff, right, I don’t know if you saw, uh, thing in the week, about the fella, who’s on that, quiz show. RG: Who?

SM: Ohhh. Right. OK.

KP: Sort of -

RG: Who?

KP: Fella … straight, sort of man. Man-woman.

RG: What you talkin’ about? What? Tell me the … r- right- w-what did you see? Tell me what you saw.

KP: It’s uh –

RG: This is like a kid come runnin’ in, and he’s seen somethin’ frightening, and it could be an alien, could be a ghost, could be a paedophile, and you’ve got to get exactly what actually he saw out of him. Right, what did you actually see?

KP: Just this, this fella who’s, uh, who’s a woman.

RG: Right –

Steve laughs

RG: Right! OK! Right, try and talk, like a – human being. Right.

KP: See it’s a quiz show, that’s comin’ on the telly. And um, it’s this, this woman –

RG: Uh! Right! Is it a fella who’s a woman, or is it a woman?

KP: Bit ‘a both, that’s why I’m talkin’ about it.

RG: But what do you mean?! Is it a pre-op, is it a transsexual, a transvestite, is it – a lady boy, is a hermaphrodite, what is it?

KP: I’ll tell you about it!

RG: Well tell me!

KP: I’m tellin’ you! It’s, it’s, it’s a woman. Well, it’s a man –

Steve laughs

RG: OH! For-- forget it! Play a record!

SM: No, go on.

RG: What?

KP: Is, it’s, it’s – RG: IT?

KP: It is a man. He is a man. Well –

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: OH CHRIST!

KP: It’s a TV program where, they’ve got this –

RG: Transvestite? Or television?

KP: It is a transvestite, yeah.… But, but the problem is – I’ll tell ya, just, ‘cause you don’t know about it, the program is --

RG: I – I still don’t know about it! I don’t know anything about it, still, I don’t know anything – ‘Woman – man – man – woman – man. Man – woman – TV – TV program – TV!’

KP: No, it’s a man who is now sort of half a woman.

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: A man who’s now half a woman!

KP: No, well this is what’s weird about it! He, he’s got the top half, but not the bottom half sorted out.

RG: What you mean, he – he’s got breasts and a wig, but he’s still got his, his boys, downstairs. He’s –

KP: Why you do that?

RG: His captain and the boys, are still there in his Y-fronts, but upstairs he’s got a lovely pair of dumplings.

KP: Why do that?

RG: Well, he’s halfway thru!

KP: But why not get it done in one, one go?

SM: Maybe he couldn’t afford it!

KP: Well, wait, till you you’ve got all the money! That just looks a mess.

Ricky laughs

KP: And who’s he pleasing, there?

SM: Well, everyone!

RG: Well he wakes in the morning, pleasin’ himself, he can’t believe his luck! He doesn’t know where to start!

KP: No, but what I don’t understand, I mean, I don’t – I don’t want to seem—

RG: Can I just finish that sentence? What you don’t understand is just about everything.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Right. What, what —

KP: I find it weird, right, I sort of get – I, I understand the gay thing, right?

RG: Do ya? What’d’ya mean?

KP: But – well – I, I know-

RG: Well tell me the gay thing. Explain the gay thing.

KP: Well, I just know if, you’re a fella, you like, you like men. I don’t know, much more than that.

RG: What’d’ya mean, you don’t know –

KP: Well what I mean is, with transvestite, what’s going on there? Wh-what do they want?

RG: Transvestite is, is, is a, a cross dresser.

KP: (pause) See – I don’t, I don’t get that either. Because,

RG: You mean a transsexual.

SM: Normally, that’s a man, who likes to dress in women’s clothing. It’s not necessarily, they’re not necessarily gay-

RG: They’re not gay, they’re often not gay –

SM: They just happen to like wearing women’s clothes.

KP: But, but, then why not wear women’s clothes, that, could be seen as a bloke’s? Like – Suzanne wears jeans.

RG: No, but they – that’s the thing –

KP: Just buy woman’s jeans.

RG: (Stammers) But – but that’s their problem, isn’t it. They, they, they like being seen as a, as a, as a, AS a woman. They like being seen as a woman. It’s not just that it’s more comfortable, or they’d wear a kilt. They like being seen as a woman. They feel more comfortable.

KP: (pauses) All right. And what’s the deal with this fella who’s got –

SM: We don’t know who this fella is.

RG: No. We don’t know this man who’s half a woman.

KP: He’s called Miriam.

Ricky laughs

SM: Oh, that’s helped.

RG: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

RG: I love this, scientific basis –

SM: No, I think—

RG: So, all he’s done, he’s, he’s had the tits done, he’s probably had the hormones, probably lived as a woman for awhile, the last step, ‘cause you could probably reverse the breasts anyway, ‘cause they’re, they’re probably implants, and hormonal things, and, whereas, y’ ya’ chop your knob and, um, boys off, that’s, uh, you have that the next day and go, ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean that – I wanted me ears pierced. It’s a bit more of a bigger operation, to put them back. So, doctors are probably making sure that he’s –

KP: Surely you’ve had the top half done, you’re not going to go back on what, you’ve said?

RG: But then, what’s the top half being done? You mean, you, I could – I could have, get you breast implants, give you a bit of hormonal treatment –

SM: Now that would be a great idea for next week’s show.

RG: And, and you could reverse it. What you can’t do is grow a knob back.

SM: Well, you can! Last week was all about growing one on your arm!

RG: Yeah.

KP: We’ve done that.

Ricky laughs

SM: So that is possible. But the thing is, the truth of it is, is, I think I do know about this story. I think it was a television program called There’s Something about Miriam.

RG: Oh!

SM: The conceit of which was that this pre-op, transsexual –

RG: So I guessed that right. Yeah.

SM: Um, was masquerading as a woman.

RG: Right.

SM: And, various blokes, under – who didn’t realize that this was a man – had to, um,

RG: (gasps) Oh, I’ve heard about this!

SM: Try to seduce – him/her. And, when they found out that it was actually a bloke, and they, a lot of them had kissed, uh, him/her. They um –

(14:00)

---

Bender here

---

Gtpod here

---

RG: Alright.

KP: Alright? That was dye-dough.

Steve laughs.

KP: They got that.

Ricky laughs.

KP: Give us a winner.

SM: Well this- the reason why I’m giving this person the prize is, is just cuz she’s from Switzerland.

RG: Sure.

SM: She’s listening in Geneva in Switzerland, so I’m good luck to Tina and she wins those prizes.

RG: Who did she want to win the war?

SM: Dunno, I don’t think she had an opinion.

RG: Really? You sure?

SM: Yeah.

RG: They say that but I reckon, I reckon they wanted us to win really. I reckon so.

SM: Do you that was true of all wars they were always on our side really.

RG: Get her to, get her to to, if she’s still in there, who did most Swiss people, maybe people sort of over 50 want to win the war England or Germany?

SM: The recent war or the original war?

RG: The second world war.

SM: The best one.

RG: Yeah the main one.

RG: Just just just just as a poll. In her opinion, so ask people who are sort of like 50 or 60, just quickly do it in the next 10 minutes. Who did they reeeally, they’re neutral but who did they reeeally want to win?

Steve laughs.

SM: We know you were neutral but who did you really-

RG: England or Germany? We come up with great games don’t we? Eh?

Song break.

RG: Bad Day. R.E.M. on Xfm104.9. Karl’s quiz.

KP: Alright.

RG: It’s a classic film. He’s done some jiggery pokery. He’s in the film. It’s his favorite film of all time. I thought the elephant man was your favorite film of all time.

KP: It’s up there, but, but this is like, this film’s got everything, it’s got hilarious bits in it, it’s got sad bits in it.

RG: I’ve got the headphones on cuz I’ve got to hear it and I don’t usually wear headphones. But um, I’ve just realized how noisy I am, does that go out when I’m sorta-.

SM: Course.

RG: Does it really?

SM: Yes.

RG: So when I’m sorta like tappin’ and writing' and that, you can- cuz it’s really clear.

SM: Everyone can hear that.

RG: Really?

SM: Yeah… the thing about that microphone Rick is it doesn’t just pick up your voice, it picks up all the sounds.

Ricky laughs.

RG: Oh that must just be-

SM: You’re scratching now.

Ricky laughs.

RG: I know.

SM: You itch- I don’t know what it is. You’ve go some kind of rash.

RG: Well look, look it’s eczema. What’s that?

SM: Eczema yeah.

RG: Oh god, what’s that one then?

SM: That’s just one of your enormous fat tits.

RG: What’s that? But yeah it must be irritating to listen to at home.

SM: Mmmm oh yeah.

RG: Yeah sure.

SM: If your voice weren’t bad enough…

Ricky laughs.

RG: Yeah! Oh god. And moving the mic makes a noise.

SM: Moving the mic there that makes some noise.

RG: Yeah leave that.

SM: Eating sandwiches, drinking coffee.

RG: Yeah, right, come on then Karl.

KP: Right, so, the film is Kes. You got to listen to it properly. At the end there’ll be a question about what’s happening there so you got to listen, take it all in-

RG: I love the fact that in poll positioning in positions one and two of his favorite films of all time it’s the Elephant Man and Kes.

SM: Yeah.

RG: That’s brilliant, go on.

KP: Alright. Am I leaving the mics open a bit when this is going out?

SM: Yeah let’s have a listen.

RG: Yeayea.

KP: Alright alright, don’t talk then, alright.

SM: Just put that hot dog down then Rick.

Ricky laughs.

KP: And this is the bit in Kes where it’s the teacher. And, an’ he gets up and he has to sort of-.

RG: Glover? What’s his name? Is it Brian Glover?

KP: No no no.

RG: No.

KP: No it’s- the other teacher.

SM: Anyway.

RG: The other one. Go on.

KP: Alright? So here we go.

____

Things that have actually happened. What about you Casper? Casper!?

Alright?

Alright?

Alright.

You haven’t been listening to a word I said have ya?

Yeah uh I heard uh I heard some of it. Yea ya-.

Some of it!?

Karl stammers.

Stand up! Always some of it isn’t it, eh? Alright then are you going to tell a story about yourself?

What sort of story?

I want you to think of an incident that happened to you some time in the past that is true and that you think will interest the rest of the class. Alright?

Alright.

Uhh. What about uhh? I work on a, um radio show at the weekend.

Are you going to tell us about it?

Just um, just do, it’s two hours. An’ it’s with Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant. Just sort of play music, you know, and tell stories and stuff.

What kind of stories?

Well whatever. Last week it was science we were talking about, uh this lad who was growing, uh a knob on his arm.

Class laughs.

It’s weird. It’s tricky sir, cuz like with Ricky, he gets bored quick and won’t listen to the stories and he’ll start squeezing me head.

Class laughs.

Alright alright, I’m not interested in what he does.

Ricky laughs

That isn’t- that isn’t normal sir, that. I mean, I’m sure he’s a bit gay.

Is he?

Class laughs.

Just messes about though. Do you know what I mean? I try and like come up with good stuff like Monkey News an’ like quizzes and stuff. But then he’ll just, you know Ricky will just mess about. I mean on Saturday he did it again he squoze me ‘ead.

How do you spell that?

Ricky laughs.

Squoze? S-Q.

Alright come up. Why don’t you show us up on the board? It’s a new word to me.

Squoze is S-Q-U-O-Z-E, like that.

Alright now tell us what it is.

It’s when um, it’s when he gets me ‘ead and he puts one hand on the back of it, alright? And ‘e puts the other hand on the front of it and he just sort of swivels it.

Swivels, write that on the board.

Ricky laughs.

Swivels, it’s spelt S-W-I-V, like that.

How many times a day?

How many times a day does he squoze it? It depends what time he, what time he gets in. If he gets in about half past 12 he could get a good three in. But I think, you know, I don’t really want to talk about it.

Had enough. Well done Billy. Round of applause.

Class claps.

RG: That was. Aw the effort oh wow. That, that’s uhh, that’s the best thing you’ve ever done Karl.

KP: So that’s that’s Kes, alright?

RG: Yeah.

KP: Got some good prizes there.

SM: Not bad yeah, good stuff.

KP: Question is: ‘Ow many times did I say Ricky can get- ‘ow many head squeezes can he get in before the start of the show? Alright. So if you were listening properly...

RG: Yea.

KP: The answer’s in there and win, got some good stuff there.

SM: Some DVDs in there, some CDs including some Jimi Hedrix stuff and uhhh other odds and ends good stuff.

RG: Brilliant.

KP: And just text in uhhh 83XFM. Alright?

RG: Alright?

KP: Alright.

Song break.

RG: Eddy and the Hotrods. Do Anything You Wanna Do. On Xfm 104.9. Alright? Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

KP: Alright.

RG: We’ve had load of entries for how many times I squoze his head.

SM: Mmhmm mmhmmm.

RG: The answer was three. Wasn’t it? And who was the winner Steve.

SM: Let’s give it to Jon. He’s e-mailed in he’s got it right he said he squozed your head three times on average.

RG: Sure. It’s not ‘squozed’ is it, Karl? That’s incorrect. It’s squoze isn’t it?

KP: Uhhhhhhhhhh it depends how you say it.

RG: Go on.

KP: Uhh squoze.

RG: Well it doesn’t really, because its nonsense anyway. It’s not a real word but.

KP: You squoze my head.

RG: Yeah.

KP: I will squeeze your head.

Silence.

KP: Do ya know what I mean?

RG: Yeah.

KP: Depends what, what line you gettin' it in, alright?

RG: Tense.

Pause.

KP: Yea.

RG: Yea.

Pause.

KP: Alright.

SM: Okay. Any Monkey News? Any Educating Ricky? Anything else?

KP: Uhhhhhh.

RG: I don’t feel you’ve earned Monday off yet cuz it’s just two hours and you only did about five minutes of it.

KP: Yeah but that took a bit of time to make.

SM: That’s your on fault.

RG: Yeah but I’ll bet you didn’t do it Monday. I’ll bet you did it on another day.

I had to come in Monday didn’t I-

RG: Yeah but I, but you do that on another day so you’re taking the piss even more because you do it when you should be doing other stuff. You still got Monday off you got two hours here. So… you laughing either way. So don’t give me that. So… do you know what I mean? What else you got?

KP: Monkey News.

SM: Eerrr.

RG: Well, let’s do Monkey News.

KP: Do you want to do it now?

RG: Yeah.

SM: Well we might as well have some Monkey News.

RG: Let’s have some Monkey News.

SM: -some Monkey News. You’ve made enough noise there Rick?

RG: Sorry, sometimes I like to move around. Lounge and that and the mic.

SM: Sure.

RG: You know what I mean?

SM: Yeah.

RG: Yeah.

KP: Um.

SM: Well let’s have the jingle; we’ve not heard it for awhile.

RG: Ooh! Chimpanzee that! Monkey News ya ffffffff.

KP: Alright. Ummm.

KP: I haven’t read this through properly so-

SM: We assumed that.

RG: Oh for fff’s. Oh god. Christ. What do you mean you haven’t read it through properly?

KP: Well basically right, it’s about um, it;s about problems with chat rooms and that. Alright? A lot of people it’s like the new way of meeting people innit now, chatrooms. You get on there-

RG: Alright. If you say someone was having a meeting with someone they wanted to meet-

Steve laughs.

SM: Please don’t preempt it. Please don’t preempt it.

RG: Right, there is not an there is not an animal in the world that could operate and understand-

KP: Do you wanna know the story?

Ricky sighs.

KP: You said, you said-

RG: Did they get marr- three months later she realized oh there’s lot of bananas gone from my fridge.

KP: See what annoys me there is you-

RG: I want a divorce. Bobo.

Steve laughs.

KP: You you say that monkeys can do Shakespeare if they’re given the time.

RG: No! That’s not it!

SM: Let’s not get into the whole Shakespeare and monkeys…

RG: It’s a philosophical conundrum.

SM: Please let’s not get into that debate again.

RG: It’s about the… it’s about-

KP: Yeahyeahyeahyeah.

RG: Infinity.

KP: Alright so this one now. So this chatroom, alright. The thing is with chatrooms uh, you have like a big boss who lookin' over it and makin' sure nothing dodgey is going on.

SM: Right.

KP: Right. So certain keywords come up and like-

RG: Is that Dr. Zaius?

Steve laughs.

KP: Alright. So anyway, they were looking over it trying to look for dodgy stuff but they kept coming over like really strange things. Like instead of saying ‘Do you want to meet in a restaurant or bar.’ Alright? It’d be like…

SM: ‘Do you wanna meet in a tree?’

KP: ‘What tree do you wanna meet at?’

RG: Right ok.

SM: Are you shooting off?

RG: That’s the end, yeah.

SM: I’ll see ya later then.

RG: See ya, Steve-

SM: I’m just gonna listen to the end of it anyway.

RG: You’re an idiot. You’re an idiot if you believe that shit. Honestly...

KP: Nah I’m just telling you what’s online.

SM: Let’s let’s let’s, let’s hear the rest of it.

RG: Wha…how… you are… you’re nearly. You’re ill. You’re near… your… Ok, I don’t know the PC term for this so I really apologize. You’re nearly retarded in some aspects.

SM: Yeah.

KP: An’ instead of sorta saying wear somethin’ sexy they just say bring plenty of bananas.

RG: Right you’re talking absolute… ok.

SM: Are you making up the Monkey News now because you can’t find any more?

RG: And instead of saying of should we get married they’re say ‘How swollen and red is your ass?’

Steve laughs.

KP: Do you wanna look?

RG: You stupid fool.

KP: Do you wanna look?

SM: No that was me.

Ricky laughs.

Xfm break.

RG: Mark Ronson and Ooh Wee on Xfm. Well what a great show.

SM: Mmhmm.

RG: We’ve had-

SM: Informative.

RG: It’s been fun. Uhhhh. Yea we’ve learned sommat haven’t we? What have we learned? Well we’ve learned that Karl is an idiot.

SM: Yesss.

RG: He believes that monkeys can get on chat sites.

SM: A form of confirmation of what we suspected.

RG: Really yeah. Yeah we always suspected it but that’s uh-

SM: I just read a little e-mail umm from someone saying that in Northern Ireland there is a town called Muff.

RG: Is there?

SM: That’s worth knowing.

Ricky laughs.

RG: Yeah. Um.What else have we learned? Umm Monkey News uhh. Ummm, no one’s got anything like Monkey News on radio.

SM: Nah.

RG: Ok.

SM: Think of that as a boast.

Ricky laughs.

RG: Yeah, yeah.

SM: No one has got anything like this gout.

RG: Yeah. You call that a boil? Look at that and look where it is.

SM: Yeah exactly.

RG: Brilliant ok.

SM: We’ve not heard, sadly, back from that women um, from Switzerland.

RG: Haven’t we?

SM: I know you threw out a question.

RG: Yeah I just, I just thought, I wanted to find out who the Swiss were really- they say they were neutral but I assume they’d be rooting for us and keeping quiet.

SM: You’d hope so.

RG: Whenever Germans went through they went ‘Yeah alright. Yeah, whoever wins, yeah.’ But they were going ‘Grrrrrmm’, Where as-

SM: Exactly, behind their back giving the finger..

RG: ‘Alright lads you want some chocolate?’

SM: Yeah.

RG: ‘Here’s a cuckoo clock. No don’t let it go off I’m hiding!’ Know what I mean?

SM: Sure sure sure.

RG: They better they better want uh, us to win. Cuz if it wasn’t for us and we’d have let fascism go in there and uh. They’d be speaking bloody German Italian all over the place wouldn’t they?

Steve laughs.

SM: I think they do.

RG:Eh?

SM: I think they do.

RG: What?

SM: They do speak German and Italian.

RG: Why? Wh-

SM: Dunno they just couldn’t be bothered to come up with they’re own language and they chose that one I suppose or they chose those.

RG: What’s the point in being foreign if you don’t speak English?

SM: I have no idea. You’d have to ask them.

RG: That’s mental.

SM: I don’t know.

RG: What would I do if I went there?

SM: Well you wouldn’t. Why would you go?

RG: They don’t speak the language.

SM: If you’re gonna have to choose a language to speak chose English.

RG: English. Even the Dutch they’ve got they’re own language but they don’t speak it-

SM: They can’t be arsed with it.

RG: Well, it sounds well it sounds silly.

SM: Yeah.

RG: So they speak English.

SM: Course they do.

RG: You see two Dutch people.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Sitting in Amsterdam with clogs on, they’ll be chatting in English.

SM: Chattin’ away in English and proud of it.

RG: Yeah yeah oh god there was a- I was there once and there was there was a mouse-

SM: Right.

RG: Just there on the stair.

Steve laughs.

RG: It was a little mouse with clogs on.

SM: Yeah. Where?

RG: On there.

SM: On the stairs.

RG: On the stairs yeah. So yeah language we learn about languages didn’t we. I’m not a linguist but I pretty much think that’s what happens.

KP: I’ll tell you something I learned in the week.

RG: Go on.

SM: Yea.

KP: Uhhh.

RG: It to be one thing. You definitely learnt only one thing this week.

KP: Good one though.

RG: Don’t insult Suzanne’s hair?

KP: I learnt two things this week. Right um. That-

SM: Don’t put your trousers on over your head?

Ricky laughs.

SM: Cuz I know you were persevering with that for awhile.

RG: Mercury may look nice, but bad for you.

Steve laughs.

RG: Go on.

KP: Uhhmm. There are more moves on a chess board-

RG: Then particles in the universe.

Silence.

KP: That puts you off learnin’ it doesn’t it.

RG: Well no, it’s a possibility.

KP: No no. They say it is. It is. They said that that’s…

RG: Yeah, that’s right it’s the possibility, because basically it tends toward the infinity cuz no two games the same.

Silence.

KP: So it’s not that you’ve got to learn that many moves.

Silence.

KP: Alright. It’s not that good.

SM: I don’t wish to criticize Rick because I know you were trying to inform him then. It’s a good job you are not a teacher cuz as you gabbled the phrase ‘it tends toward infinity’ it kind of came out as ‘ittentowrenininy’.

Ricky laughs.

RG: Ok yeah.

SM: Imagine if, imagine if your one of those kind of foreign students who’s coming here to study and they use something.

RG: What Swiss?

SM: They put the tape recorder by the uhh.

RG: Yeah.

SM: By the lecturer.

RG: Yeah.

SM: Listen back to that rubbish.

Ricky laughs.

SM: ‘It something toward infinity I’m not sure. It tents toward infinity?’

Ricky laughs.

RG: ‘He’s talking about tents. I am not understand. Cuckoo.’

SM: So uh we’ve all-

RG: We’ve all had a good time.

SM: We’ve all had few laughs.

RG: We’ve had a great time.

SM: Can I just say though everyone, have a great Saturday.

Ricky laughs.

Steve laughs.

RG: Alright, see ya later.

SM: Rick, you like you like The Thorns. You played The Thorns earlier.

RG: Love The Thorns.

SM: I think you’ll enjoy this. This is an old track from Hawksley Workman.

RG: Brilliant.

SM: Bad name good song.

RG: See you next week.

Song.