28 May 2005

Xfm Series 4 May 2005 - July 2005 List of episodes

Episodes: 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I) 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II) 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III) 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV) 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V) 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant return to Xfm for a run of 6 shows, standing in for Adam and Joe, this being the first.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 28 May 2005/Transcript.

1. I'm Not Made of Money, Rick! (0:00:00)

• Nothing has changed at Xfm in 18 months.

• Steve jokes that some of Ricky's old bacon rinds are on the floor.

• Listenership is down, due to "Old Cure fans dying of smack addictions".

• Gervais suggests the listenership of Xfm has risen by 1: himself.

• Steve's back mainly because his cheaply employed foreign cleaner cleans his house between 1pm and 3pm.

• The duo warn that the show is not like The Office, Animals or Politics as it is poor and shoddily planned.

2. The Old Finger Up The Arse (0:02:59)

• Ricky reveals a new found love for U2 having hated them for the previous 15 years of his life.

• Ricky and Steve recap Dr Fox's criticism of their show, during which the DJ described the show as "painful". Steve is amused that Ricky still remembers the slamming.

• Karl won't get a medical checkup as he doesn't want the doctor to do "the old finger up the arse thing". He doesn't know what they're going to find up there, and it's the heart he worries about the most. Karl and Steve are suspicious of why doctors need to hold the patient's testicles when they cough. Ricky suggests it's to do with the diaphragm. Ricky recalls the time when Karl professed that he doesn't examine his testicles as he "doesn't like the feel". Karl says he can afford to lose one testicle.

• Karl wouldn't let Dr Fox or Doctor Who conduct a prostate exam either.

3. Try Both (0:08:06)

• Karl says his life is better for meeting Ricky and Steve as he "has Mondays off now".

• Karl is confused as to whether a website about him featured a dash or an underscore in its URL, telling the listeners to "try both".

• Steve quizzes Karl using a set of questions featured in the Guardian Guide. Karl's idea of perfect happiness is "fishfingers, potato cakes and beans". His greatest fear is "going to the doctors" and he wants to live to be 84. He most admires Winston Churchill, because he prevented English people having to speak German, which Karl claims he wouldn't be good at.

• Karl doesn't know what capital punishment is. When Ricky explains it, Karl thinks it would be a good idea for criminals as prisons are overcrowded and "what can you do with someone who's mental?"

4. Nowt There (0:15:07)

• Ricky's idea of happiness is being in a room with Karl, who he says is both like a cat and a "retard".

• When researching show with the abandoned title Science, Gervais asked Karl about the moon landing. Karl said the moon landing featured "Louis Armstrong" (he meant Neil Armstrong]), "a bloke named Buzz" and " a fella who didn't even get out to stretch his legs".

• According to Karl there's no point going to the moon as there's nowt there. Steve wouldn't go as he wouldn't be able to wear his glasses.

• Karl regrets not doing well at school.

• When asked what keeps him awake nights, Karl replies he lives on a loud high street.

• If there was a war, Karl would go on holiday.

5. They Don't Age Well (0:21:23)

• Ricky invents radio friendly swearwords like "Kant", "cump", "fulking", "schnit".

• Steve tells Karl that two 80 year old Japanese soldiers have been found hiding in the woods, believing the war still to be on.

• Karl goes on a rant about how there's no 33 year old Chinamen, or fat ones, there's no middle ground (in age) but 22 year olds are about and 49 year old ones are around. He borders on the edge of racism by claiming "They don't age well, I don't know what's in 'em".

• Steve can't name any famous middle-aged Chinamen. Karl can only think of Bruce Lee, who "looked 42" when he died at 33.

6. Gog-lanker (0:29:18)

• Karl advises a Japanese man who is soon to marry his Japanese fiancé to take some good wedding photos before she gets old fast.

• Karl comments on Suzanne's mother's looks.

• Rockbusters prizes include a signed Spinal Tap poster, a drawing of Homer Simpson and a drawing of Ricky, Steve and Karl immortalized as Flanimals "bloat dumbplunt", "gog-lanker" and "pinkloid numbscrunt".

7. That's Awful Karl (0:33:57)

• Steve spills champagne by accident, then asks for more free products.

• Rockbusters clues given.

8. Where's A Tsunami When You Need One? (0:41:48)

• Ricky wants people to send in objects to harm Karl with, suggesting a George Foreman Grill, and that he has already tortured Karl with a tea towel and spoon combo.

• Steve watched Celebrity Love Island and thought "Where's a tsunami when you need one?" and compared Karl to Paul Danan.

• Ricky and Steve attack Big Brother, Rebecca Loos who "wonked off a pog" and Abi Titmuss. Karl says he wouldn't go on Big Brother.

• Karl tells a tale of a foot-long spider which eats chicken, which worries him as he thinks they come over here in bananas.

9. That Sounded Great! (0:49:12)

• Ricky discusses bad lyrics by Rick Springfield: "I tell her I love her but the point may be moot".

• Steve's bad lyric nomination is Bryan Adams: "I'm in my hotel room/ There's a knock on the door and I get nervous/ I'm hoping it's you/ It's just room service". Steve heard it on a session hosted by Christian O'Connell, who remarked "that sounded great", which Steve thinks is a perfect response to a rubbish session as it compliments the engineers.

• Ricky applauds Bryan Adams for buying the pub next door to the musician's house, due to noise.

• Ricky's highlight of Extras was dressing editor Nigel up as a baby.

• Karl gives the Rockbusters answers.

10. It's Like Jackass! (0:54:23)

• The finale of the show. Gervais shoots a cork from a champagne bottle onto Karl's head while Steve films for Ricky's website. Karl grunts in pain but asks if it hit him.

11. They're Just Walkies! (0:56:01)

• Monkey News. Karl hasn't prepared a story but when pressured comes up with a story about the American SWAT team recruiting monkeys who have walkie-talkies. "They can't talk!" Ricky shouts, "So they're just walkies!" Steve quips.

• Karl finishes and argues with Ricky and Steve. "What do you want?" he asks, "Monkey News!" Steve yells.

• "This is the worst show we've ever done", Ricky says as the show comes to a close.

Quotes

Steve: Which living person do you most admire?
Karl: Eh...
Steve: Which person throughout any time in history do you most admire?
Karl: Winston Churchill's pretty good.
Ricky: Yeah, very good.
Karl: He was alright.
Steve: Why?
Karl: Cause if it weren't for him, we'd be talking German, and I'm not that good at that.

Rockbusters

If you've got a bulb, and you look after it, and you teach it stuff, what are you doing there? R.
People have a problem doing this when they home from a night drinking. K.
I had a vision of that Chinese flu. C.

Playlist

Rainbow - Since You Been Gone
U2 - City of Blinding Lights
Beanie Sigel - Feel it in the Air
Matthew Sweet - In My Time
Foo Fighters - Best of You
The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again
Kings Of Leon - King of the Rodeo
The Magic Numbers - Forever Lost
Bruce Springsteen - No Surrender
Embrace - Glorious Day
Rick Springfield - Jessie's Girl
Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends
Kings of Convenience - Homesick

External Links

• The Freewebs "K-man" website (you won't have to try 'em both).
• Celebrity Love Island member Wikipedia articles: Paul Danan, Rebecca Loos , Abi Titmuss
• Article on the foot-long spider that eats chicken
• Video of Ricky popping a cork on Karl's head

See Also

• Xfm Series 1
• Xfm Series 2
• Xfm Series 3