Tape 2 Side A/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 2 Side A, from Xfm Series 0.

Quickly, Just Get on the Phone Now

Ricky: It's just gone 5 past 4,

Muffled noise from Steve fiddling with the microphone

Ricky: It's the Ricky Gervais Show, that's Steve just doing the microphone, putting his headphones on, making-

Steve: Sorry Rick I'm not- (clears throat) sorry I- you just didn't give me much time to prepare myself so I'm-

Ricky: No.

Steve: Hang on I'm just-

Ricky: A week.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It was actually a week.

Steve: Umm, I think that's working, my headphones aren't quite working, hang on-

Ricky: No.

Steve: It's going alright though.

Ricky: Well, not only we haven't... not prepared for the show,

Steve: (clears throat)

Ricky: Yeah, okay. I thought maybe people could maybe phone in and give us some subjects to uh, talk about. 01715802000.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or they can fax in, 01715801234 and they could get like a discussion going like, "What do you think of that Tour de France nonsense?" And we could sort of, no not that. Um, what do you think about uh... well you know it's their idea innit?

Steve: 01715802000. Quickly, I mean really, seriously just get on the phone now.

Ricky: (laughs) This is my record of the week.

Steve: (sighs) Yeah? Go on, yeah, what is it? Exciting?

Ricky: Yeah it's Foo Fighters,

Steve: Alright, yeah.

Ricky: Walking After You.

Steve: I'm looking forward to it.

Song: Foo Fighters - Walking After You

Ugly Freaks Preferred

Steve: It's quite interesting, I think it's quite interesting Rick, because um, you know, it's a very sensitive song, a very beautiful song and I think it betrays something about you, about the inner Ricky.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Which I don't think uh, we've ever sort of really tapped in to before.

Ricky: No, but I mean I've got something exciting for you as well.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Cos maybe you, you know, you can find love too, cos Petrou has sent in a piece of paper here from uh, see there, from Mix mag,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But it's the uh, personal ads. Oh no it's not, it's an ad... it's Select, that's an advert from Mix mag.

Steve: Whatever Rick, it doesn't really matter, does it?

Ricky: Realism, it makes all the difference.

Steve: No, move one.

Ricky: So they don't think I'm just making it up.

Steve: Come on.

Ricky: Right. "Lonely depressed bi girl, needs someone of any age to understand." Right, "any age", well that fits th- you know, you're any age.

Steve: Certainly.

Ricky: Yeah. "Ugly freaks preferred."

Steve: ...Yeah.

Ricky: Right? "Anyone accepted."

Steve: Well I'm in there. (clears throat) Gervais-

Ricky: Well-

Steve: No, give it to me.

Ricky: Don't- don't count your chickens.

Steve: Give it to me!

Ricky: Don't count your chickens. "Confidentiality and honesty assured."

Steve: Yeah, that's fine-

Ricky: "Reply guaranteed."

Steve: Give it to me now.

Ricky: Now I know what you're thinking, cos she said-

Steve: No, give it to me now.

Ricky: I know what she said- I know what you're thinking, "Any age" which you fall into nicely,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, "Ugly freaks preferred" so you're top of the list, and "Anyone accepted". See I- but I don't think she realises quite what you look like because... you're not in her framework, d'you know what I mean? So I still think you might be disappointed.

Steve: No, I- no... Gervais, this will work, this'll work, lemme see this, hah... "Lonely depressed bi girl" wha-... waht does that mean though, "bi girl"? What does that...

Ricky: Bisexual.

Steve: Bisexual?

Ricky: Yeah. Again, I think she means-

Steve: Bisexual?

Ricky: Sexuality of any human. D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Well all I'm saying - bisexual, Gervais. D'you know what I mean? (laughs) Am I right?

Ricky: What d'you- no, what do you mean?

Steve: Eh? (laughs) Eh? Three? Eh, three people?

Ricky: What...

Steve: Three in a bed?

Ricky: You, a bisexual and an amphibian?

Steve: Three in a bed, Rick! Hehey!

Ricky: But you won't be one of 'em.

Steve: It's not gonna happen is it?

Ricky: No.

Teen Knight Rider

Ricky: Nearly 25 past 4. Ricky Gervais show, I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Gervais, um, I know we haven't got much in the show today, we've not really thought of anything to talk about, why did you just give a time check then?

Ricky: Just to fill it up.

Steve: I know, exactly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But like, why? D'you know what I mean cos the music-

Ricky: It's sunny out aswell innit.

Steve: The music was playing right, and you mentioned this, it's 25 past 4, um, we never do time checks,

Ricky: No!

Steve: How is that useful?

Ricky: (laughing) I dunno.

Steve: What are you expecting, someone's looking at- they're gonna think "25 past 4, christ I should be at my mum's house!"

Ricky: They haven't played any good records, they're quite- not very interesting but thank God he told me- I've gotta take that bun out of the oven!

Steve: Well exactly, that's what-

Ricky: You never know.

Steve: But you don't wannt tell-

Ricky: Or they probably just realised something good's starting on telly.

Steve: Well exactly, that's what I was gonna say, don't say it's 25 past 4 because who knows, I dunno, maybe the Antiques Roadshow is on or something.

Ricky: Now BBC always start things at 25 past, don't they?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And 5 to.

Steve: Well you're a fool, that's all I'm saying, there's no reason for time checks.

Ricky: Why do they do that? Why- why do they do that, and not on the hour like ITV, you know where you are with ITV. BBC, 10 past? Quarter past? 0171, 580, 2... thousand. Why do... BBC... I'm struggling.

Steve: You are indeed.

Ricky: Well I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna uh, quickly go to an ad break which is good.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That keeps people pretty fixed...

Steve: Oh yeah, yeah, they'll be desparate, they'll be listening to those now, it's like a little hook.

Ricky: But I've done a litte trail, watch this. Uh, but after that, if you can hold out for 40 seconds, we've got the new one from the Manic Street Preachers, you've gotta be happy with that.

Steve: I'm lovin' it. Gervais, before you do it,

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Um, I watched Team Knight Rider yesterday.

Ricky: You didn't.

Steve: You've seen it?

Ricky: No.

Steve: It's a new sort of thing, must have been made about 10 years later, and instead of just the one Knight Rider car, it's a team of them. A fleet of them, Gervais.

Ricky: "Team"? I thought you said "Teen"!

Steve: No, Team- "Teen Knight Rider"?

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, when he was little. He had spots and he was a little bit embarrassed!

Steve: On like a little sort of scooter.

Ricky: Yeah. And he'd go up to girls and go, (voice breaking) "Hello... Uh, d'you wanna uh, d'you wanna..."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Yeah. Teen Knight Rider, that's-

Steve: Teen Knight Rider'd be beautiful.

Ricky: That's great innit, yeah.

Steve: That'd be great.

Ricky: And KITT goes, "What are you doing?" "Nothing!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "I was just- no I was- I got it caught in my fly!"

Both laugh

Steve: And he's like- KITT's there sort of explaining how to shave.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: It'd be beautiful.

Ricky: "You dirty little... now that has really gummed up my CD player now."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "Uh..." Alright we'll stop it there shall we.

Steve: "Teen Knight Rider".

Ricky: "Teen Knight Rider".

Steve: I tell you, if we get on to talking about telly programs Gervais, we'll be here all night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Won't we?

Ricky: Yeah, well it's about 25 past 4 now.

Steve: That's brilliant.

Song: Manic Street Preachers - If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next

Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations

Steve: Gervais, you know I've always said that you know when a party's going bad,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: When you end up in the kitchen talking about old kid's TV shows,

Ricky: And singing the theme tunes.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And you remember Swizzlers. "Oh yeah, yeah." "And Flying Saucers." "Yes, we remember Flying Sau-"

Steve: "And batwing jumpers, hahaha!" And everyone starts laughing obviously-

Ricky: Batwing jumpers?

Steve: Do you not remember batwing jumpers?

Ricky: She's retired now.

Steve: Haha. Thanks. Um... oh, Grotbags, eh?

Ricky: Grotbags? What was that? That was one of them-

Steve: That was uh, Emu. Pink windmill,

Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah.

Steve: Talk about gay subtext, pink windmill?

Ricky: (laughs) So I take it the fact that we're talking about it, we are in the kitchen at a bad party?

Steve: Exactly, we're in the kitchen at a bad party.

Ricky: We've got nothing, have we?

Steve: We've got nothing to talk about,

Ricky: You know usually when we say we've got nothing, we've got a couple of things that we get out- we've really got nothing, have we?

Steve: Absolutely nothing.

Ricky: What about that "Teen Knight Rider" we were going somewhere there- there must be something there.

Steve: Oh, "Teen Knight Rider", could you imagine it?

Ricky: What was the- (does the sound effect from Knight Rider)

Steve: (repeats the sound effect from Knight Rider

Ricky: "Michael, it's time for school." "I can't, I got belly ache!" "Well, you're well enough to do that." "I have to do that, I have to get rid of my poison!"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Um, (laughs)

Steve: Well uh, yeah, no, but Team... I wasn't talking about "Teen Knight Rider",

Ricky: No sorry, Team Knight Rider, you were actually gonna tell an anecdote there and I've just interrupted.

Steve: Well not really, all I was gonna say was that there was it was great yesterday cos there was Team Knight Rider which is the sort of 10 years later, there's a team of people with super electronic cars driving around, solving crimes,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uh, then I flipped over and there was Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, featuring Gil Gerard, d'you remember him? Good looking fella.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And Twinkie obviously, "Biddy biddy biddy." And um-

Ricky: Sorry are you- are you on crack?

Steve: No!

Ricky: No sorry, have you taken sort of like, some real sort of heavy mixture of cocaine and-

Steve: What I-

Ricky: What's that, "Obviously, good looking fella, biddy biddy."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "And uh, mneh! Mneh! Mneh! And then I turned to-"

Steve: No, that's Twinkie!

Ricky: What- what are you- what are you talking about?

Steve: That's an impression of Twinkie, the little robot,

Ricky: The roBOT?

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Oh, the liTTEL roBOT? Oh, him, Twinkie, yeah.

Steve: The little silver robot that went, "Biddy biddy biddy." It's as simple as that, I'm trying to... I'm not trying to corrupt you, not trying to get... you know, confuse you.

Ricky: Oh go on yeah, okay that's fair enough, I'll take your word for it.

Steve: All I'm saying is, great TV shows there, that we forget, you know, we're in the kitchen Gervais, aren't we? We're in the kitchen.

Ricky: We are, yeah. But everyone else has left. It's just us two.

Steve: (laughs) It's just you and I!

Ricky: We could go home.

Steve: We could go home but we're somehow- we're still enojying it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: In the kitchen there. And uh, but what I was gonna talk about is di- you know, there's a lot of TV shows-

Ricky: "Di-".

Steve: There's a lot of TV shows Gervais, that we- we love- no one loved and we remember,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But a lot of films that became TV shows, M.A.S.H. obviously, the big success.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you know Gervais, I read about this yesterday, fantastic. Did you know, that they made a TV show, right, in 1982, of Casablanca?

Ricky: (laughs) Did they?

Steve: Featuring.... David Soul.

Ricky: (laughs) As what, Rick?

Steve: As Rick! What a fantastic TV show.

Ricky: That is fantastic.

Steve: It'd be Casablanca, and you'd have a picture of him, woulnd't you, and every week they'd find a different reason for him to say "Play it again, Sam."

Ricky: And lovely Patty Coombs. As his-

Steve: As Liza or whatever it was.

Ricky: Oh that'd be fantastic.

Steve: "Mr. Rick, I'm not playing Backgammon for money!" "Play it again, Sam."

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: It'd be great. Every week, whatever it'd be, I dunno what their different contrivances, it's like a catchphrase.

Ricky: Oh, that'd be fantastic.

Steve: Be great wouldn't it?

Ricky: Bobby Crush as the bloke on the piano. "You must remember this." Oh, fantastic.

Steve: Every week he gets a different excuse to play it.

Ricky: Oh that is fan-

Steve: (hums the tune)

Ricky: Well once, right, I was looking through, right, and there was that TV show called You Must Be the Husband, right?

Steve: What?

Ricky: Yeah, its was called You Must Be the Husband and I'd never seen it before, and me and Jane were watching it, we just flicked over, we saw the last- we were gonna watch something else and it just ended with the waiter coming up to one of them and going, "Uh, you must be the husband." And we thought, do they have to end with that every single week?

Steve: (laughs) Deary me, that's hard work, I tell you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Putting catchphrases in TV shows, hard work, Gervais.

Ricky: (laughing) David Soul!

Steve: David Soul.

Ricky: Oh, that is fantastic.

Steve: Dave Hutch.

Ricky: Oh, who played Victor Laszlo?

Steve: I dunno anything else about it, if anyone's ever seen it, please give me a call, what a fantastic show that would be.

Ricky: Oh, I know who played Victor Laszlo, what's him name, Rodney... what's his name? Nicholas Lindhurst.

Steve: Nicholas Lindhurst?

Ricky: He'd be great wouldn't he? Nick Berry.

Steve: Nick Berry, that'd be beautiful. I tell you what it would be, it would be uh, they'd be on a golf course,

Ricky: (giggles)

Steve: And uh, Sam would like miss a stroke, wouldn't he? And they'd just go "Oh, play it again, Sam!"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: And everyone else would laugh, it'd be beautiful.

Ricky: Ohh... Babybird, If You'll Be Mine. We can keep this up forever now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We're in the kitchen.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Shall I make a cup of tea?

Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine

Lady Of The Knight

Ricky: Apparently Steve, um, who says this... uh, he doesn't say "Play it again, Sam."

Steve: No I know he doesn't you-

Ricky: He says "Go on, play it Sam."

Steve: I know that you stupid tosser- oh for goodness' sake, I studies film for 3 years for Christ's sake Gervais, of course I know that, but it's the TV that are bound to have made the same mistake, aren't they? Of course that.

Ricky: You couldn't do an academic subject then?

Steve: Of course! Oh, I'm sickened, I'm sickened, because everybody knows that, Gervais, and yet he's come out and he's spouted rubbish, oh I'm just, ugh...

Ricky: Um, he thinks it's a good show.

Steve: Ugh, I'm disap- I'm so angry.

Ricky: He likes the show.

Steve: I'm so angry because everybody thinks I'm an imbecile.

Ricky: Well th- yeah!

Steve: Well, fair enough, I- yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, no cos I was gonna mention a couple- cos I came up with a couple of my own TV shows.

Ricky: Go on, yes, I've got a few.

Steve: Have you come up with your own?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Have you talked about this in the past?

Ricky: Well yeah, oh yeah, you know like the um, when they have a cliche in the title and that's the explanation,

Steve: Oh, the best one we came up with-

Ricky: Like A Touch of Frost, and it's his name.

Steve: I know, I love it!

Ricky: It's like, yeah.

Steve: But my favourite- this is one I came up with, right, it was called Lady of the Knight, right, but that's Knight spelled K-N-I-G-H-T, right, and what is clever about it is, what it is is there's a knight, right, a knight of the Realm, but it's set about sort of 1870 or something, sort of Sherlock Holmes era, that sort of thing, and he's a knight of the Realm, you know, Lor- uh, Sir Johnson or whatever, and he's a knight or whatever, but he doubles up as a private investigator,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he's got working for him, a prostitute, who's also a private investigator,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And it's called Lady of the Knight, you see, and it's a double meaning.

Ricky: It's clever, it's a pun.

Steve: Cos she's a lady, of the "Knight".

Ricky: Of the Knight, and, he's called "Knight".

Steve: She's a lady of the night. Brilliant!

Ricky: It's fantastic.

Steve: And they go round- but seriously, the go round investigating, right, crimes, sort of Whitechapel and stuff, and um, it's brilliant, cos uh, you know obviously she's a prostitute or whatever, and he's a knight, and there's a bit of sexual tension Gervais obviously. And obviously all the Victorian elements and everything, and obviously they can't associate with one another openly in the streets cos that would be, you know, he's got to maintain a certain reputation,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So it's Lady of the Knight, and there's all the intrigue and tension, what do you think about that?

Ricky: You've thought this through.

Steve: I've thought that through.

Ricky: That is fantastic, using all your technical knowledge and your film study and your-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I came up with one, starring naughty Samantha Janus as a nun, with Diana Rigg as a mother superior and that's called Nun The Wiser

Steve: That's beautiful.

Ricky: And they're naughty.

Steve: That's great!

Ricky: And the sequel, she gets pregnant and she has to go and work in the kitchen, right, and that's called A Nun in the Oven.

Steve: I was gonna say, of course it is.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Course it is. Oh that's beautiful Gervais.

Ricky: D'you remember um, Ray Cooney, that thing in the 80s when all those uh, had those farces on, and basically what he did was substitute the word "life" for "wife".

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: He had Run For Your Wife,

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Right? And uh, Wife Begins At 40.

Steve: Beautiful. Doesn't make any sense, does it, grammatically?

Ricky: No. I just thought of one like um, I said to Claire a few weeks ago that it would be like a stage play and there'd be loads of people jumping in and out, like of hospital beds but in one of the beds, one of the wives, she just wanted to die, cos she had no quality- and it's Who's Wife Is It Anyway?

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: That'd be good, wouldn't it?

Steve: That's nice, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, Brian Ricks.

Steve: Oh, that'd be beautiful, I love that. Touch of Frost, it's so clever.

Ricky: And the other one is um, loads of lawyers with their wives, jumping in and out of bed with just underpants on taking drugs, and it's This Wife.

Steve: That's beautiful.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: That's great, that's a nice touch.

Ricky: So um, let's have some competitions then.

Steve: But you know I've got a whole gameshow as well which I could mention.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Do you want me to mention it while we play the next record?

Ricky: Shall we play Blue Oyster Cult?

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Their classic song,

Steve: Can I just say-

Ricky: Don't Fear the Reaper.

Steve: I've got a gameshow, right, that I came up with, okay, and it features me but I think it could be perhaps a vehicle for yourself, Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah? What's it called?

Steve: I was gonna tell- it's called- basically it's called "Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations".

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And-

Ricky: I like it already.

Steve: You like it already?

Ricky: Because there's a part in there for me.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Could I play the... Ricky Gervais?

Steve: Yes. (laughs) Yes,

Ricky: Fantastic!

Steve: It was originally called uh- basically, let me just summarise very briefly, I'm not gonna tell you all the games, but there is- it's basically recreating the heady days of the war.

Ricky: Right. That's fantastic.

Steve: It's beautiful already isn't it? It's got the nostalgia theme.

Ricky: I've got a game aswell-

Steve: But it's called- it was originally gonna be called "Ricky Gervais' Fag Rations" but apparently cigarettes weren't rationed in the war.

Ricky: Weren't they?

Steve: So it's called "Meat Rations" now.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: And uh, I tell you there's some great games, my favourite is um, oh, now what's it called, um, "To be perfectly Anne Frank"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: It's a great game, it really is, it's a great game where you've gotta pretend to be Anne Frank and hide from sort of snooping Nazis.

Ricky: Oh, that is fantastic.

Steve: It's a great game, and there's also of course- well let me go into it, there's also uh, "Dig for Granny"

Ricky: Good.

Steve: Well uh, "Dig For Victory" if you like, and what- you're scavenging through rubble, right, and if you find-

Ricky: Can I just say, these are copyright, anyone trying to rip me off, I mean, I've got the "Penis Puppet Theatre",

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I've got a stake in this surely, haven't I?

Steve: 'Course, certainly, Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations.

Ricky: You can have a bit of my Penis Puppet Theatre.

Steve: That's lovely.

Ricky: Yeah? And I've also got a new game that I'll talk about after, after yours, it's called "Tip The Balance", and it's sort of like a game for 4, and it comes- I'll send it off to Waddingtons, see what you think, I mean there's- there's... there's teething problems with it-

Steve: Okay, well listen, Gervais, look-

Ricky: Let's play Don't Fear The Reaper,

Steve: Let's play that tune,

Ricky: By Blue Oyster and his Cult,

Steve: It's a classic.

Ricky: Yeah, and then we'll come back and we'll try and make some money.

Steve: Let's make some cash.

Song: Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper

Who's Snork?

Ricky: Well you've gotta be happy with that. Blue Oyster Cult, Don't Fear the Reaper.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah? So go on then, so what are the games that are in this Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations.

Steve: Well it starts off, there's the sound of an air raid siren,

Both imitate sound of an air raid siren

Ricky: Yeah, like it already.

Steve: And we came up with uh, "Start queueing up, mum, for Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations!"

Ricky: Excellent, do I look like sort of Walker out of Dad's Army?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Oh that is fantastic.

Steve: You come in, and what it is, the set, right, is kind of like, half of it is an old sort of east end pub, and the rest is kind of rubble and debris, and a skyline of ruined Britain.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: And what it is, you come in, you're fairly sort of sharp and dapper, and of course Chas and Dave provide the music throughout the show (hums like Chas and Dave).

Ricky: And you know the dolly bird that usually comes on, she's the woman with like hair- um, curlers, with a little scarf on it.

Steve: That's right.

Ricky: She comes out with one of those little floral aprons.

Steve: That's it, you've got it, you've got it.

Ricky: Oh, fantastic.

Steve: And the gameshow, there's a bit that's called Roll Out the Barrel.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, dunno what happens in that.

Ricky: Roll Out the Barrel, ooh, we could think of something.

Steve: There's a barrel of fun, sort of thing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So there's Dig For Victory where you've got like a big pile of rubble, and you're digging through it, scavenging for food, canned food, but if you find like, relatives or friends, you score extra points.

Ricky: Oh, that is fantas- and there must be some sort of fun with like, gas masks,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: When you could all put the on and dress up as like, I dunno, one of the Banana Splits.

Steve: Yeah, um, what could that be? "Gas-"

Ricky: "Who's Snork?"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah. Well, possibly.

Ricky: So every week there's the real Snork.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So it's like, contestants come on, they put the-

Steve: Clever.

Ricky: "Which one's Snork?"

Steve: Which one's Snork?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So you've got three celebrities,

Ricky: Yeah, who've got gas masks, and the real Snork.

Steve: That's great.

Ricky: So you've got someone like Ted Moultson, he pops one on, you got Frank Bruno, yeah, and Jilly Cooper,

Steve: That's it.

Ricky: And they put their mask on, and like a little outfit, and then the real Snork is there and you've gotta ask them questions, like you'd get like Bernie Winters and Henry Cooper going "Um, number 3, number 3, um, how long you been in the Banana Splits?"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: And Jilly Cooper Goes, "Oh, about six years." He goes, "Oh, I don't- no I think the Banana splits have been going longer than that. no I don't think it's number 3, um what do you think?" And Bernie Winters goes, "Hmm, number 1..."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "Number 1, uh... how did you get the job, being in Banana Splits?" And it's probably Ted Moultson going, "Oh, I answered an advert in the paper." "That's not right, they were born-" D'you know what I mean?

Steve: And it's Chas and Dave in the corner just going, (to the tune of the Banana Splits) "Nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, NAH NAH NAH NAH, YEAH!"

Ricky: Where the real Snork's- and the lights go, and the one stands up and he sits back down again, and then the real Snork- and the others take their mask off. And he goes, "Lovely Jilly- what are you doing?" "Well I'm uh, I'm appearing in Puss In Boots down in Brighton." "Oh, that'll be fantastic."

Steve: Wait a minute...

Ricky: What?

Steve: "Jilly Cooper"?

Ricky: I dunno, what does she do- oh she's a novelist!

Steve: She's a novelist.

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

Steve: Now appearing in panto?

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I'm not letting you book the guests.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: But wait a minute, I mean I love your idea,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: "Who's Snork?"

Ricky: Yeah. (laughs)

Steve: It's a bit odd, isn't it, how it started off with a kind of, wartime nostalgia show, but now we've featured sort of quite bad 70s animal things.

Ricky: Nothing wrong with the uh, Banana Splits.

Steve: But I like that, that's a good game.

Ricky: Yeah, okay, that can be like the special feature can't it?

Steve: So I'm just gonna make a note of it, so we've got "Dig For Victory", "To Be Perfectly Anne Frank", and uh-

Ricky: And "Who's Snork."

Steve: "Who's Snork."

Ricky: Yeah. Well I'm full of ideas, I could probably help you on this.

Steve: Oh this is great, what I'm just tryna- well maybe we'll come up with some other ideas as we go on.

Ricky: Yeah we've still got Tip the Balance to go.

Steve: You know, can I just say, I did actually once try and pitch this. You know when I went appeared on Blockbusters,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well I obviously met with the producer there, and I said "I've got an idea for you."

Ricky: Have we talked about this on air?

Steve: We've talked about me on Blockbusters.

Ricky: Have we?

Steve: But not about my pitching this game.

Ricky: No go on, go on.

Steve: And I said to her, "Sit down," I said "I got a great idea." And I tried to bill it with me as the star! She said, "Who are you?"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "Steve's Meat Rations?" She said, "Why are you in it?" I said, "I am. Don't worry, I'm the only one who can pull it off."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And she said, "Well go on, what is it?" And at that time, I had none of the games.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: All I had was the title. And she went, "I like it, what are the games?" "I- Hmm... dunno."

Ricky: Ohh. If you'd have just said "Well I'll stop you there, love." And just popped a gas mask on, and said "Who am I?"

Steve: She'd have gone "Snork!" "Nah nah nah-"

Ricky: "No, it's not!" Oh, we've got an ad break, then we've got a classic from Blur.

Song: Blur -

Yes Zat is Correct!

Ricky: It's uh, it's 5 o'clock. So if you were gonna watch that thing that started at 5 to, you missed the first 5 minutes of it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So we're doing well with this new gameshow, aren't we?

Steve: Yeah, we've got a few ideas there.

Ricky: Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations.

Steve: Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations.

Ricky: I love that.

Steve: It's a great idea isn't it? We came up with another quick game cos obviously so far we've got Dig for Victory,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, To Be Perfectly Anne Frank, and Who's Snork? which is possibly I think the most popular game so far.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And also we've come up with a new one, haven't we? Puss in Jackboots.

Ricky: Yeah. You get a beauty of the age to come out,

Steve: Say uh, saucy Samantha Janus?

Ricky: Yeah, maybe she comes out and she's got a little moustache on, right, and her peak cap pulled low and nazi regalia, and you go- and you got Bernie Winters and Ted Moultson and Jilly Cooper going, "Um, so you're obviously- by the warm applause, you're much loved?" "YES, I AM!" "Ooh, God, um, uh... show business?" And the audience clap.

Steve: (laughs) obviously, yeah. "Well done." Yeah.

Ricky: And he goes um, "Um, uh, dunno, you're doing the uh, doing the nazi accent very well, um, you're an actress?" "YES, ZAT IS CORRECT!" Yeah. It'd be great, wouldn't it?

Steve: "Could you salute in, please?"

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah!

Steve: That'd be nice, doing a little nazi salute.

Ricky: Yeah. That'd be lovely.

Steve: I thought of a little quick game there.

Ricky: What's that one called, that's called um,

Steve: That's called um-

Ricky: Puss in Jackboots.

Steve: Puss in Jackboots.

Ricky: Yeah, lovely.

Steve: I thought of a quick one, it's called um, Get the Hell Out of Hiroshima, right, it's against the clock, and- anyway, that's there aswell. And uh we got any other ideas, Gervais?

Ricky: Uh, Cure, Love Song.

Song: The Cure - Love Song

One Mump

Steve: Gervais, it's time for the gameshow everyone's talking about, Make Gervais Laugh.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We've had an entry here this week alright, and what it is, let me explain the rules, somebody's sent in a picture, Gervais, right, I'm gonna show it to you now, and if you laugh then hopefully this young fella wins a prize, uh it's from Neil in uhh let me see, Highgate.

Ricky: Hold on, I'm laughing already though.

Steve: Are you?

Ricky: Yeah cos the anticipation.

Steve: Alright well straighten yourself out.

Ricky: Alright okay.

Steve: Straighten yourself out, now, you've not seen this picture.

Ricky: Oh this'll be so disappointing if it's not funny, there's nothing worse than- you know what I mean?

Steve: I know.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Well I think you'll laugh.

Ricky: You run the risk. You run the risk.

Steve: Well that's the nature of the game... show.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: And what's in it for everyone else who can't see the picture or cares?

Steve: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Ricky: Right, no that's good.

Steve: But then what el-

Ricky: We're not here for their amusement, are we?

Steve: Exactly. Alright, I mean we're busy men, we've got things to do, we've gotta entertain ourselves.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: But all I would say is, what is in this show anyway for anybody else?

Ricky: (laughs) Good point.

Steve: At least we get a laugh.

Ricky: Yeah okay.

Steve: Um, now what would it say, the other thing though is there a prize for Neil?

Ricky: Yeah if I laugh, um-

Steve: What can you give him?

Ricky: Well you give him sort of like a "chukleometer". You know- Ricky Gervais' Chuckleometer.

Steve: "The Chuckleometer".

Ricky: Yeah. It's up to 10 CDs.

Steve: Right, oh really?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Alright then, well okay, cos that first one we did, ages ago, that was number 10 wasn't it? 8-9-10.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right here comes the picture, I think it looks to me like an internet picture, I'll be honest with you.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Ready?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Okay here comes the picture now Gervais...

Ricky: (laughs) Oh God, Oh God, Ohh, has he done that? No...

Steve: Now listen, what I'll do is, let's play a record Gervais, and I will-

Ricky: (laughing) I've just seen something! Don't explain it.

Steve: We can explain it.

Ricky: No! No, don't, please. Right, no, um... When I was about 16, my nephew got um, mumps. And all the men in my family were really worried, right, and I soon found out why, you know obviously if you get mumps when you're an adult and you haven't had it before, you go sterile, or it can cause sterility.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Blimey.

Ricky: Yeah. And um, I was about 16, and this worried me, and I went to my mum and I said, "Have I had mumps?" She went, "You've had one mump."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Now I don't know what mumps are or is, but I'm pretty sure you can't have 'a' mump. Or, I think she meant that one side of my face swelled up. "Like a gobstopper it was." But what is a mump? Or what are the mumps? I mean, it's a viral infection isn't it? I don't wanna embarrass myself, I don't want her to be right, like a doctor or a person- yeah, no-

Steve: I don't know, can you have like a number of mumps, or one big mump?

Ricky: What if you had one big mump?

Steve: It's like a hunchback for a while, you're just like... your mump-backed for a while, just walk around.

Ricky: You're mump-backed.

Steve: Yeah, and you don't remember, cos it's always when you're very young.

Ricky: "Oi, you mump-backed-" Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Exactly. But I had- apparently I had one mump. So I could probably... probably one of them. Just one of them went a bit sterile.

Steve: Can you- so you can become sterile if you have the mumps when you're an adult?

Ricky: Apparently, yeah.

Steve: Can you- I mean does that for instance, it doesn't cause umm... say for instance and adult had the mumps, and then he sort of had sex and he gave birth to a child, his wife gave birth to a child,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: That can't cause any other problems, it can't cause deformity or anything?

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: It's just, no, cos it's just cos my dad had the mumps when he was uh...

Ricky: I don't know, I don't know, may- we should get our facts right really, if there's a doctor out there, I mean can mumps cause sterility, how does it do it? I heard stories about my teacher, his mate, had to have them- they swelled up, and he had to put them in cotton wool for about a month.

Steve: God almighty.

Ricky: Cos that- it can... you know. Mumps aren't fun.

Steve: No, I'm not saying- I mean... well, all we can say, maybe you've had mumps and now you're sterile.

Ricky: That could be a- "Mumps aren't fun".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's like "Go to work on an egg."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: Innit?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Who said that, I was having an argument with someone, "Who said 'Go to work on an egg'", Someone said it was that William G. Stewart bloke who-

Steve: No, it was uh-

Ricky: It was Fay Weldon.

Steve: No it wasn't, it was Salman Rushdie.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: It was, it was.

Ricky: No it wasn't!

Steve: No hang on, no maybe it wasn't.

Ricky: It was Fay Weldon.

Steve: It wasn't Fay Weldon.

Ricky: Right-

Steve: It was either, right let me tell you who it was, it was either that bloke that wrote A Year In Provence or whatever it was called,

Ricky: Right. 01715802000. Who came up with the slogan "Go to work on an egg."

Steve: It was either the Year In Provence fella,

Ricky: Who's that?

Steve: I dunno what his name was, I don't know-

Ricky: 01715802000, who was the Year In Provence fella-

Steve: You know that fella who wrote that book, A Year In Provence, everyone loved it, everyone thought it was great,

Ricky: No, I didn't...

Steve: His name's Peter something-or-other,

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: Right, and he- I think he definitely wrote that,

Ricky: Salman Rushdie came up with something.

Steve: I think it was the Year- see again, I'm thinking that maybe it was the egg thing. But I would say as well that that fella that wrote A Year In Provence, he also came up with the Fat Willy cartoon series, what a hilarious series of books they are.

Ricky: Not Fat Willy, is it?

Steve: It's called Fat Willy, wasn't it?

Ricky: What's the one... Where's Willy?

Steve: That's Where's Wally.

Ricky: Where's Wally.

Steve: "Where's Willy", that'd be pretty straightforward every time, wouldn't it?

Ricky: (laughs) Well,

Steve: "Umm... there's a fella there... there it is!"

Ricky: Not where you come from it wouldn't.

Steve: Well...

Ricky: Well, there you go.

Jezoc!

Ricky: Well, um, Peter Mayle is the name of the bloke who wrote A Year In Provence, thanks to Neil, and also Neil says that Salman Rushdie did "Naughty but nice" for the cake commercial, now I still don't know who did "Go to work on an egg". I think it was Fay Weldon.

Steve: No, it was Peter Mayle!

Ricky: Do you reckon it was?

Steve: Yes, absolutely. Absolutely.

Ricky: I'm gutted.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And you very rarely - Jerry from Balham - you very rarely go sterile from mumps but it is a viral infection, yeah.

Steve: It's such an informative show.

Ricky: This program- exactly, Steve!

Steve: Yeah. It's like a public service.

Ricky: It really is, isn't it? And we treat things sort of sensibly and maturely, and we give out, you know, the correct information.

Steve: I'll be honest with it,

Ricky: It's safe for kids to listen to, isn't it?

Steve: Well, I'm imagnining if you were in the- I mean, this happens to us all the time, if you're in the pub and someone'll say, you know, "Is mumps gonna be a problem, is it gonna cause infertility?" And you're there just saying "Um... pfff..."

Ricky: "Well, I was listening to Ricky Gervais..."

Steve: "And..."

Ricky: "It's very rare, it is a viral infection. And do you uh, do you know who did uh, 'Go to work on an egg?'" They went "No." "Peter Mayle or Fay Weldon, we're not sure."

Steve: Possibly Salman Rushdie.

Ricky: No, definitely wasn't Salman Rushdie.

Steve: That's quite incredible though, to go from writing "Naughty by nice" about cakes,

Ricky: To having to live in a hole for the rest of your life. Um, I used to write, when I was at school.

Steve: Oh, yeah?

Ricky: Um, now I didn't watch sort of kid's programs when I was growing up, I watched sort of crap, adult ones. You know what I mean, ITV on the telly from 12 midday, through to like, midnight. And I'd watch all the police series.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Um, Police Story, uhh, Charlie's Angels, Steve Austin,

Steve: "Teen Knight Rider".

Ricky: "Teen Knight Rider", yeah. And I wrote this essay at school and I just couldn't stop, and I started serialising it, and every time I just kept writing it, people were reading it at school, and it was about a cop, a New York Cop, who was as hard as f- you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I worked out what his name was, now I just- God... this is how television influences me, cos it was one word name which was his surname, that was the title of the book, title of the series, and that's what all his friends called him. Wait till you- right... (clears throat) It was called Jezoc.

Steve: (laughs) "Jezoc"?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: "Jezoc".

Ricky: Yeah, I thought it had a "Zuh", and a "Cuh", and a "Juh". Jezoc.

Steve: Jezoc.

Ricky: Yeah. D'you know what I mean?

Steve: It does sound so close to like, "pillock", or "Jessie",

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Or "Nonce".

Ricky: No- no, "nonce"? There's no "nonce".

Steve: Well, d'you know what I mean... Jezoc!

Ricky: It's a cross between sort of like, "pillock" and "jism".

Steve: "Damn you, Jezoc!"

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: "You're off the case!"

Ricky: "Gimme the badge!" "Keep the stinkin' badge, I don't need a badge to be a cop." It was all stuff like that, and he'd burst- yeah, yeah, and he'd sort of look at his gun and go, "This is my law!" You know what I mean?

Steve: "My God, it's Jezoc! How did he find us?"

Ricky: (laughs) Jezoc! Yeah. It was great, there'd be shootouts and everything. Ohh, fantastic.

Steve: Let me just ask, was he- did he perhaps have a broken marriage, he was hard-boiled, he played by his own rules,

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Didn't he? I imagine.

Ricky: Simultaneous with this-

Steve: He was a bit of a drunkard as well, had a bit of a drink problem.

Ricky: No he didn't drink, no. He was a good looking fella, um-

Steve: But he was letting himself go, he was a bit hard-bitten.

Ricky: Yeah. And the other thing I was sort of simultaneous- it was more of a novel, I wasn't gonna serialise it I was actually writing a novel and I got three exercise books, right, um, it was about this kid, right? (laughs) Oh God... right, he saw his parents just brutally murdered for no reason by a gang of outlaws, yeah? And he buried his father, and he knelt down on the grave, and he said- looked up and he goes, "As God is my witness, I will avenge thee."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: And then he sort of went to the store and he got loads of bullets and he practised, and he was the fastest gun- he was only about sixteen.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: His name was Jody Barnes.

Steve: (laughs) Jody Barnes is alright, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Good innit?

Steve: That's nice.

Ricky: Yeah. Ohh, fantastic.

Steve: Have you still got any of those exercise books?

Ricky: (laughs) I hope not!

Steve: That'd be incredible.

Ricky: Cos the teachers used to sort of like, I imagine them going "Yeah, it's good." I imagine them passing them round the uh, "He's done another one! Gervais has written another episode of Jezoc!"

Steve: But seriously, if you brought one of those in and read it out, I'd be entranced.

Ricky: (laughs) Imagine it!

Steve: Seriously that'd be great! D'you think your mum might-

Ricky: The ramblings of a twisted 14 year old brain that only ever watched ITV cop shows.

Steve: Do you think your mum might still have some copies?

Ricky: No-

Steve: Of Jezoc?

Ricky: No! (laughs)

Steve: Was it like- Wasn't it like Jezoc, then it was like Jezoc Abroad, Jezoc in Paris, Jezoc on Safari.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Here comes Jezoc.

Ricky: My mum used-

Steve: Return of Jezoc.

Ricky: "I likes that Jezoc, he's a proper man."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "He's not like you." "But mum, I invented Jezoc!" "You're a nancy, you couldn't be like Jezoc." "He's in my mind!"

Steve: Return of Jezoc, Here comes Jezoc, Son of Jezoc.

Ricky: Ohh, it's fantastic. What if Jezoc met Jody Barnes, they'd get on. They'd have no quarrels.

Steve: They could team up.

Ricky: Oh it'd be fantastic, after the break, little bit of uh, "La's".

Steve: Teen Jezoc.

Song: The La's -

Shut Your Ugly Gob

Steve: Hahh.

Ricky: (sighs)

Steve: Still here then?

Ricky: Mm. (clears throat)

Steve: Gervais, um... you've embarrassed yourself.

Ricky: Mm... oh just... shut your ugly gob. You bog-eyed, anemic, fish-faced tosser.

Steve: Nice to have you back.

That’s What Cats Do

Ricky: 5 past 4 on a Sunday, Ricky Gervais, XFM 104.9, London's uh, only alternative. Steve?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know we gave away those CDs? "Hey, great giveaways." It's good radio isn't it? "We've got CDs to give away!" Tickets and that, it's good radio.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Do you remember who won them?

Steve: What, last week?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well no.

Ricky: Right... I gotta get them back.

Steve: What- are these the CDs we took from the library?

Ricky: Yeah. I gotta get them back. 01715802000 if you won those CDs... could you... give us a call?

Steve: (laughs) Well why should they bother? They're probably busy listening to them, d'you know what I mean, you can't give something away and then take it back.

Ricky: Yeah I need- big time. I gotta get them back.

Steve: We've had a bill for the computer as well.

Ricky: That's mine.

Steve: No, it's not yours.

Ricky: It is mine.

Steve: It's not yours.

Ricky: I procured that, that is- that is mine now.

Steve: No-

Ricky: That is technically- that technically counts as ownership.

Steve: Listen Gervais, it's not yours alright, I've told you this bef- I've explained this to you a hundred times, alright,

Ricky: What?

Steve: If you urinate on something,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It is not yours.

Ricky: It does, in the cat world.

Steve: No, it does not become yours-

Ricky: That's what cats do! That is what cats do. They go round their territory, that's theirs, they urinate on it, that computer's mine.

Steve: If a cat urinates on something, right,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: In its cat philosophy it owns that, I agree, that's a sort of-

Ricky: Well there you go then!

Steve: What do you call it, a sort of territory thing.

Ricky: What's the difference?

Steve: You're not a cat!

Ricky: No, I know!

Steve: You're not a cat!

Ricky: That's discrimination.

Steve: No, you're not a cat, you can't live life by cat rules.

Ricky: Well, I've got loads of stuff like that. My flat's full of stuff that I've got like that.

Steve: What?

Ricky: Yeah I've got uh, two telephone boxes,

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Um, I've got a cash point machine, yeah. Glynn was furious, he was getting out money.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Um, side of a church.

Steve: That's yours.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, two BMWs, well I had two, I've got one now.

Steve: What happened?

Ricky: The second one, the owner caught me, and he started doing the same. And cos I started first I finished first so he finished last so it was technically his again.

Steve: Is that how it works?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If I... piss on something then that's mine?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But if someone else pisses on it then that's theirs?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is that how it works?

Ricky: Could you say "Urinate", this is XFM 104.9

They’re My Shoes, Gervais

Ricky: They are mine now.

Steve: They're not yours!

Ricky: They are mine.

Steve: They're not- they're my shoes, Gervais.

Ricky: Yeah, and they're mine now.

Steve: No they're not- I can't believe- I- This is why I don't wanna do this anymore.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Just- I can't believe you!

Ricky: They're my shoes now, that is how- that is ownership, that counts.

Steve: In the cat world.

Ricky: They're my shoes now, and some of the carpet is mine aswell.

Steve: In the cat world!

Ricky: Yeah. Well.

Steve: You cannot live your life by the rules of the cat world.

Ricky: I can. I can.

Steve: What does your girlfriend think about this-

Ricky: Watch this...

Ricky sprinkles some liquid

Steve: Ohh...

Ricky: Maybe I could do that!

Song: Quickspace - Minors

How Do These Little Theories Of Yours Develop?

Ricky: XFM, 104.9, quarter past, Ricky Gervais.

Steve: How do you uh, how do these sort of little theories of yours develop?

Ricky: What, they come in my head, then they're alright, then I like them, then they happen.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Then they're mine.

Steve: I see.

Ricky: It's fine, it's fine.

Steve: Oh, good.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What do other people make of the fact that-

Ricky: They go along with it.

Steve: What, your girlfriend?

Ricky: Yeah. And all my special friends, and the friends that I make.

Steve: Does she mind that your flat looks like an east end lockup and stinks of urine?

Ricky: No.

Steve: She doesn't have a problem with that?

Ricky: No. Her sinuses have gone now. Completely gone.

Steve: Her sinuses have gone?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The charlie?

Ricky: Yeah- (laughs)

Steve: Oh, I thought as much. Well I know what you rock'n'rollers get up to Gervais, in your spare time.

Ricky: Ohh dear.

Steve: It's beautiful to see you again though cos we thought you would uh-

Ricky: I'm looking good.

Steve: We thought you'd be gone forever.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: But you're back.

Ricky: Yeah. Nah.

Steve: It's beautiful to see you.

Ricky: Nah, I'll be around forever.

Steve: Anything planned for today's show?

Ricky: I didn't expect- it's like my life, I didn't expect to be here this long, so anything was a bonus.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah. Um, any plans for today's show?

Ricky: Uh, got some more records and that, and some absolute drivel!

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah. Packed in to two hours.

Steve: So no difference?

Ricky: Noooo.

Steve: Hehey!

Ricky: No no no.

Steve: Great, well it's going well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Going well. I've got a little competition,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Which I'll maybe introduce after the next record.

Ricky: Is this "Is there anyone mad enough to sleep with me" competition? Cos it's- no, is there? Is it? I'm not doing that one again.

Steve: Alright, I've got a different one.

Ricky: Yeah. Um-

Steve: I've got a different competition.

Ricky: Keep calling the samaritans, "Please" "We don't do that sort of thing, sir." "Please, or else!" Can't threaten the samaritans!

Steve: Why do you like that song so much?

Ricky: Cos- Wh... Because they're singing about you being an ugly tosser. Alright?

Carter USM Lyrics

Ricky: Just gone 20 past 4,

Steve: Gervais, I hate to kick people when they're down,

Ricky: (laughs) No you don't, you like it, and you like people twitching when they've been badly hurt.

Steve: But, I... for some- I dunno how this came about but I started to consider the songs of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine.

Ricky: Ohh... Lovely Carter.

Steve: I don't know why, someone was playing one in my house, and we were flipping through the record- the lyrics sheets,

Ricky: ...Fruitbat.

Steve: Now, I don't know- When I was-

Ricky: Batwangers. What?

Steve: When I was in the 6th form, everybody...

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: When I was in the 6th form Gervais, everybody had a Carter USM t-shirt.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Didn't they? And I'd imagine you probably-

Ricky: About the end of the 80s, early 90s, all um... events officers, A&R men, yeah.

Steve: What were you doing about that time? You were-

Ricky: Dreadlocks.

Steve: You'd have been what, that was when you were claiming benefit while still working.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: You had the wheelchair and everything.

Ricky: Yeah, the tartan blanket.

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: Fantastic.

Steve: And uh, I- cos I- see everybody had a Carter USM t-shirt, I didn't have one, cos I didn't-

Ricky: No.

Steve: D'you know what I mean? That wasn't me, they all- it was all a bit cliquey and they didn't like me for it.

Ricky: Yeah. It wasn't cos of that though, was it? It was cos they sort of had like symmetrical heads. They were running in their human packs, weren't they?

Steve: Don't start, Gervais.

Ricky: And just ostracising you going, "Oh, dear."

Steve: Don't start. Right, I'm just looking through the lyric sheet, this is from the album 1992 - The Love Album by Carter.

Ricky: Yeah. Come on.

Steve: Just to give you a taste of some of the lyrics,

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Steve: Which we thought were so profound in 1990 or whatever.

Ricky: I never did.

Steve: Um, this is from the track Look Mum, No Hands!

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I should point out that many of the titles of their songs are apalling, there's obviously- my favourite, possibly the worst is The Road to Domestos.

Ricky: (laughs) They must have thought-

Steve: That is the worst name for a song I've ever heard, I mean what's that supposed to mean?

Ricky: Oh, bless 'em. Ohh...

Steve: Well anyway, check this lyrics out, this is one of the worst lyrics,

Ricky: Go on, I'm ready.

Steve: Heh.

Ricky: Go on!

Steve: "He flies through the air with the greatest of ease, that daring young man in the blue dungarees"!

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: What the hell does that mean?

Ricky: Ohh God!

Steve: Is that supposed to be profound?

Ricky: Ohh... "She flies like a bird in the sky high, that ugly old tart with a stye in her eye." Lovely.

Steve: This is quite a nice one, um, listen to- this is clever, this is bloody clever.

Ricky: Go on, what have they done, what's Fruitbat done here? Go on.

Steve: "If we CLUB together",

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: "With all the DIAMONDS we've saved",

Ricky: Hey hold on, I'll stop you there, "club",

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: "Diamonds" that's-

Steve: Hehey!

Ricky: So far- no wait wait wait wait wait-

Steve: It doesn't stop there!

Ricky: Oh come on, how does it- go on.

Steve: "If we club together with all the diamonds we've saved",

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "We could look to our HEARTS and say-" "Hearts"!

Ricky: Hold on, "hearts" is a- is a suit in the-

Steve: It's incredible!

Ricky: Oh, go on. Clubs, diamonds, hearts?

Steve: "We could look to all our hearts and say we've got it in SPADES"!

Ricky: What does that mean?

Steve: Spades!

Ricky: Hold on, what does- yeah but what does that sentence mean?

Steve: "If we club together with all the diamonds we've saved,"

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: "We can look to our hearts and say we've got it in spades."

Ricky: I don't know what that means.

Steve: I've no idea but that's the kind of brilliance-

Ricky: But they- see what they did there, they got all those things in.

Steve: It's incredible. Um, let me just- there's another great one here...

Ricky: Could they do it with signs of the zodiac?

Steve: Uh-

Ricky: Parts of the body?

Steve: Here we are, here we are, um, "I've been GBH'd and ABH'd",

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "For a packet of B&H",

Ricky: (laughs harder)

Steve: "I've been taken and I've been driven away, my telephone is always ringing, and my number is triple X directory",

Ricky: Ohhhh....

Steve: Uh, "Call 0898333, talk dirty to me." That is some of the worst lyrics Gervais, surely, that you've ever heard.

Ricky: Unless you know different, 01715802000, I've been thinking of some of my own as well.

Steve: The worst lyrics you've ever come across.

Ricky: Oh, there's gonna be arguments.

Steve: 01715802000, or you can fax us, 01715801234.

Ricky: And think realistically cos I hate it when you see in like The Melody Maker and NME and they ask one of these popstars, "What's the worst song of all time", and they go, "The Birdy Song" or- no it's not! It's something by Carter or Suede or David Bowie cos they were in that framework, they had the potential- d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Don't go for "Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep", go for something like that, cos that is disgusting.

Steve: Let me just tell you, this is my final one before we go away which is um, "Yes sirree boy there's nothing worth living for but it really ain't worth dying for, so just say three hail Jesus and Mary Chains."

They both laugh

Your Eggs are Over Easy

Ricky: "Early in the morning I put breakfast at your table, and make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream".

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: "Your eggs are over easy" It's sort of like a breakfast song. I can't remember who did it, but it goes, "I'm not your superwoman, doon doon doon doon." Yeah.

Steve: Is this- I've never heard this.

Ricky: There's one great bit as well, um, it goes um, "Now you say your juice is sour, it used to be so sweet and I can't help but wondering if you're talking about me." Ain't that great?

Steve: Ohh.

Ricky: "Um, sorry love, this juice is a bit sour, it used to be so sweet." "Oh, fine, I'll change it." "No no, no, let me explain. This juice, yeah, it's sour, it used to be sweet." "Well it's- we've always had-" "No no no, you're not listening. You're not listening, I think you're an ugly pig and I wanna leave you."

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: D'you know what I mean? You know, it didn't state it. "Your eggs are over easy." Oh, who's that by?

Steve: I've no idea, I've never heard it, you've made it up.

Ricky: "I'm not your superwoman, doon doon-" 01715802000, I've just thought of another one as well. Some- d'you remember John Waite's "I ain't missing you at all, missing you, since you've been gone away." And he's worried about people might think that he's really not missing her so towards the end he goes, "I can lie to myself"! Oh, he was lying all along then, wasn't he? Ohh, got any more Carter lyrics?

Steve: Well, I'm still wading through them Gervais and it's just making me quite low so I'll try and dig out a few more for the next time we have a chat, but I would say that Emma of course who helps us out here, she's mentioned um... track- what was it, Emma, what was yours?

Ricky: It was-

Emma: Uhh.. YMCA.

Ricky: YMCA-

Emma: But I've got a worse one.

Ricky: Have ya? Hold on, what's that other one?

Emma: That's worse.

Ricky: Oh God yeah, well Emma- yeah we'll save that one. Emma's was um, "You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal."

Steve: "You can get yourself clean, you can haev a good meal." Well I don't have a problem with it you see, cos I just think it's a wonderful thing, you know, the YMCA doesn't get enough publicity, good press,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And the Village People did them a favour. I mean why on earth they wrote that song-

Ricky: Are you serious?

Steve: To publicise the YMCA, I mean who thinks, "Mm, I don't know, uh, the people who have done the police force, you know they've"-

Ricky: Hold on, wait a minute, this is very good- but I think you mean this and you don't know what that song- you think they're actually some sort of advertising for the YMCA?

Steve: Well I don't know it just seems really odd to me.

Ricky: Well if I remember at the time, the YMCA complained at the time cos the connotations.

Steve: What conno- it was just a PR thing for the YMCA I imagine, it was like that one, the "In the navy"

Ricky: No no no-

Steve: "In the navy!"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, the sort of PR thing for the navy, it's just bizarre.

Ricky: Yeah, when they were dressed up as sailors and stuff?

Steve: Yeah, well whatever.

Ricky: Whereas usually they're a sort of construction worker with a nice moustache, aren't they?

Steve: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Traffic cop.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...Jodhpurs. And uh-

Steve: Wha- I don't- is this-

Ricky: I'm worried about the red indian chief!

Steve: Am I supposed to be reading-

Ricky: I dunno when that's been a big-

Steve: Am I supposed to be reading between the lines or something?

Ricky: (clears throat)

Song: Babybird - If You'll Be Mine

I Would Not Have Andi Peters

Steve: I well. I-I don't underst- I mean I don't really understand. I mean this seriously.

Ricky: Okay, right.

Steve: I don't really understand what you're talking about.

Ricky: Okay, this is fine. Obviously, there were gay connotations. It was like a- a gay icon record, isn't it? YMCA, In The Navy. That was the point of it... What did you need?! One of them dressed as, Judy Garland?! Wha-what I don't understand what is your problam with that?

Steve: W-w but there's no- I don't understand why that suggests that...people are gay. I don't...

Ricky: It doesn't necessarily! It's like, it's high camp, isn't it? It's been adopted since as well.

Steve: But the four of them. There's- there's a guy dressed as a motor cycle cop.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There's no reason why he should be gay.

Ricky: There's no reason anyone should be gay!

Ricky and Steve trying to talk over one another.

Steve: There's a builder

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Alright, um...

Ricky: So no builders are gay, ever. You can't be gay and be-;

Steve: There's a- there's another one. I can't remember what the other one is.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And then there's the red Indian. Why on Earth the red Indian is (Ricky laughs) supposed to be an icon of-;

Ricky: I don't know about that. I- I- I'm flummoxed on that one, I'll be honest.

Steve: But it's- What I'm saying to you Gervais, is if you're gonna use- If you're gonna talk about gay people then- then why don't they use the cliches? Why isn't there a hairdresser.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And-;

Ricky: Because it's probably the sort of cliches that even scene gays wanna get away from. Also that's- you're confusing 'camp' Itv gays with- with real homosexual people who live normal lives.

Steve: If I'm gonna write a song about gay people, I'm gonna have a hairdresser,

Ricky: Yeah you are!

Steve: In order to- all Im saying is-;

Ricky: You are.

Steve: In order to appeal to a gay community I'd have a hairdresser, John Inman,

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Larry Grayson,

Ricky: Obviously.

Steve: and uhh...I don't know um...

Ricky: Well you- well -well peop- well you wouldn't have Jason Donovan then obviously.

Steve: Ha.

Ricky: Cuz he's not. So you wouldn't have him, would you?

Steve: No, I wouldn't have Jason Donovan.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Well I wouldn't have Phillip Schofield

Ricky: Well no because there's no reason to

Steve: I wouldn't even have- I wouldn't have Andi Peters.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: I wouldn't have Andi Peters!

Ricky: Okay, I'm getting scared.

Steve: I would-if I- I would n-;

Ricky: (as Steve is saying that he wouldn't have Andi Peters) Shut up! I'm getting scared!

Steve: I would not have Andi Peters!!

Ricky: Shut uuuuuuup!

Are You Suggesting I Should Plan This Show?

Steve: A few more Carter lyrics for you.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: You'll enjoy this one um, "It's just one big knees up, a night on the town, a storm in a teacup, more like a teacup in a storm!"

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: (laughs) Man!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: D'you know what I mean, man!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: It's more like a teacup in a storm!

Ricky: Yeah, they've twisted it, haven't they?

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: Yeah. Um, Ian Camfield, d'you know, he's 12 now, he does the Rock Show. He called, and that "I'm not your superwoman" was Karyn White. And he also says a worse lyric in YMCA is "Young man, there's no need to feel down."

Steve: Fair enough. Another Carter lyric for you, "The tequila sun is rising, And the-"

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Listen to me. "The tequila sun is rising and the Harvey's Bristol moon is shining."

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: Cos they've got Harvey's- you know, "Shine on Harvey's moon",

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And somehow "Harvey's Bristol moon is shining"... I... have no idea.

Ricky: It's gotta be something about pulling your trousers down in a coach. Isn't it?

Steve: It's just rubbish.

Ricky: Um also, here, you'll like this one, you know um, Quickspace, I played that and you said "Oh why is that your favourite?"

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And I got annoyed because you've got no taste and shouldn't even question me, and I said it's about you being an ugly tosser. Well, Nina from the band, who was round at Jan's, said no, it's not about him being ugly, and the worst lyric is from the Beatles, "You should see her in drag in her polythene bag." What's that from, then?

Steve: Dunno, Polythene Pam or whatever it's called?

Ricky: Could be.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Could well be.

Steve: Alright then, the worst Beatles lyrics, we'll have those as well.

Ricky: There's a lot of them to choose from.

Steve: There are a lot.

Ricky: They're goo- no I'm not dissing the Beatles,

Steve: No.

Ricky: I'm just saying, they wrote- you know, they can't keep at that level, can they?

Steve: Gervais, I've heard the songs you've written.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: D'you understand me?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: You're not in a position to disrespect anybody.

Ricky: I know, I don't!

Steve: Alright, I'm talking about people on the tube, alright, that can barely speak, alright, that are just there with like a kazoo, there's a guy near my tube, just- he's just got a kazoo, (makes sound of a kazoo) and just taps his foot, tries to sell lighters to you by playing the kazoo, you can't even disrespect him for his musical ability.

Ricky: 'Course, you're laughing about him now, if that was female it'd be a whole different story wouldn't it?

Steve: Well you know, you gotta take it where you can get it.

Ricky: You'd have a lot of lighters, every day wouldn't you?

Steve: Hehey!

Ricky: You'd be struggling down that road with loads of little...

Steve: I'd say-

Ricky: Little Clippers.

Steve: I'd say you know, I think there's a sad lack of kazoos on the wireless and I'd have her in here for a quick session.

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky: Um, well we'd better do a competition now.

Steve: Okay yeah, well we've got these two... is it two pairs of Pulp tickets?

Ricky: See you've no idea have you?

Steve: I've no idea.

Ricky: You just wanna "Nyuh nyuh nyuh nyuh nyuh, we've got nyuh nyuh, oh can I do this bit? nuyh nyuh nyuh..." You don't know what you're doing, do you? ...It's never stopped me, I- no!

Steve: Well,

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: I wasn't gonna mention it.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Alright, you do it! Go on then, I'll sit over here, I'm out the way.

Ricky: Okay how many tickets have we got, emma?

Emma: Uh, one pair.

Ricky: One pair, that's two to you, Steve, to give away-

Steve: (in the distance) To see who?

Ricky: Pulp.

Steve: When?

Ricky: Next... Saturday.

Steve: Where?

Ricky: Finsbury Park.

Steve: At what time?

Ricky: ...'bout 9?

Steve: And what have people gotta do to win the tickets?

Ricky: Uhh...

Steve: Yeah, now you're stumped!

Ricky: What? You're suggesting I should plan this show?

Steve: Yes!

Ricky: Is that what you're suggesting?

Steve: Yes!

Ricky: Why?

Steve: (back to normal) Alright, now listen, I think we should just give people an added reason to phone in with their worst lyrics ever, they can win this pair of Pulp tickets,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And then if we get bored with that in say about ten minutes time, we'll come up with another reason!

Ricky: As if it'll take ten minutes for us to get bored.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: I'll be surprised if we actually bother.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Got an ad break, and then... I've got a- at least I've got a Pulp song lined up.

Steve: Before you do that-

Ricky: Oh we should tell them what the competition is, shouldn't we?

Steve: ... I just did.

Ricky: What was it? I wasn't listening.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: I- really, I wasn't listening. I really do turn off when you talk.

Steve: Emma, what was the competition?

Emma: I'm not sure, I wasn't listening.

Steve: 01715802000,

Ricky: What was the competition?

Steve: any ideas what the competition was?

Ricky: What was the competition?