19 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 19 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Still a Bit Drunk

Ricky: Doves. 'Caught By The River' on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais... Steve Merchant... Karl Pilkington and everything…

Steve laughs

Ricky: No...I'm gonna be honest with you...

Steve: Go on

Ricky: Little bit hungover, don't feel very well. I don't know if I'm hungover or still a bit drunk, but I don't feel->

Steve: You sound like you're still a bit drunk.

Ricky: Yeah. So what I'm worried about-

Steve: Then you do every week, so...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: What I'm worried about is... that the standard will slip.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah? I'm not right on the ball, urm and, the other thing is I haven't had a lot of time to prepare the show today.

Steve laughs

Steve: Ok...

Ricky: So I don't... And I - and, I don't really... I don't feel...you know.

Steve: 100%.>

Ricky: Yep. I haven't done any... Karl...

Steve: Right...

Ricky: Look-

Steve: Have you finished that sentence?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I... don't make me laugh because it- it hurts as well. And the other- the other- there's another side effect to me being a little bit hungover, and um drunk or whatever, right, is that I can be annoying.

Steve: Right, yes, yes.

Ricky: 'Cos I just to amuse myself I sort of like turn my body off a little bit and just poke, and like-

Ricky groans

Ricky: Like that, and annoy people and that... I wanna- I wanna sort of like cl-

Steve: Well you do the physical equivalent of freewheeling.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! I sort of like, I sort of wanna climb on Karl and go to sleep on him.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? Both annoy him, and it'd be comfortable.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Which is... you know, can be annoying.

Steve: Do you know, just a quick little thing to make this show a bit easier; if you'd put your hand up when you want one of us to speak... Cos it's not quite- I'm not quite sure when the sentences are finished.

Ricky: The hands are up!

Steve: Ok, good. So um- well-

Ricky: The hands are up.

Steve: Ok, good, all right. Are you just going to keep them up for the rest of the show, or are-

Ricky: No that'll ache, Karl, do what you, what you've... Uh?

Steve laughs

Steve: Good, alright. Do you wanna- Is there any excuse as to why you're a bit hungover?

Ricky: Too much wine.

Steve: OK...

Ricky: Last night, yeah...

Steve: Yep. Good, good. 'Cos this is the only- I mean this is the only work you've got to do all week-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -unless I'm very much mistaken, you don't have to do anything. You just sit at home eating- eating cheese-

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: -um, and then occasionally you do a bit of um, sort of shadow boxing-.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: -And that's exersise... And then you sit at home and watch TV.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is that roughly what you did this week?

Ricky: Mmm... yep.

Steve: Uh-huh. So this is... the only two hours you've had to do anything for all week, this is the only thing you had to prepare for...

Ricky: Yes, I... Who can plan a hangover?

Steve laughs

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You know, you'd think th- Karl, you said you had some stuff.

Karl pauses

Karl: ...Yep.

Ricky: <What have you got?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I love the fact that whereas I was a little bit slow, Karl there leapt into action, to keep this show afloat, keep the pace up! Go on.

Karl pauses

Karl: ...Right... well, uhh...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Karl, are you hungover as well or .

Ricky laughs

Karl: Do you know, I'm just a bit annoyed, 'cos I'm with you.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Do y' know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: He hasn't got much to do all week...

Ricky: You're having a laugh.

Karl: What?

Steve: What angers me is I kind of hoped that maybe I could have quite a long career in radio, and I sort of feel like I'm... I don't know, the words 'sinking ship'-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Those words spring to mind.

Ricky: But-

Steve: 'Cos if you... Karl, you're just a chancer anyway, you weren't even supposed to be on air and we made you into something of a household name and that's cool.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Household name!

Steve: And Ricky's already a celebrity, he's got it stitched up, he's got coroporates, he's got you know, voiceover work, but I've got nothing, I'm running on empty I've got... You know, I'm not... nothing, I've got nothing, I'm sort of dependent a bit on this, financially and...

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: And...you two are sort of bringing it down really.

Karl: Right, well-

Steve: Do you reckon I could get my own show, Karl?

Ricky: Karl, Karl, Karl. Tell him what, no, Karl, Karl, tell him how funny I was out there with the bin, that... a minute ago.

Karl: So anyway, come on, right.

Steve: I'm bored of this.

Ricky Sniggers

Karl: Tell you what. Will we tease them with what we've got coming up next.

Steve: Yep, Karl, tease us after the next record.

Karl: 'Cos I think we've already got 'em for two hours.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yep, yep, we've hooked them Karl, don't worry, this is textbook radio.

Ricky: What's this? Badly Drawn Boy?

Steve: Yep.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - You Were Right

Pete Horton's In It

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, you were right, Xfm 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl you were saying, what's coming up.

Karl: Right, over the next 2 hours then... last week was a bit of a mess...

Ricky sighs

Ricky: Don't be silly.

Karl: ... So I sorted it out. Same features, uhhhh...

Steve: I think that was the reason it was a mess to be honest.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well, uhh...

Steve: You tightened it, you tightened it, you tightened the ship.

Karl: Tightened it up, tightened it up, and also, keeping people for longer.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Right, tell me your, tell me your plans, tell me your ethos, then.

Steve: What've you come up with then? Always show your workings, Karl.

Ricky: Always show your workings, Karl.

Karl: Alright then. So last week we started a good sort of play on words we had going...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: The well known film Educating Rita.

Ricky giggles

Steve: That's become, thanks to Karl Pilkington's brain, it's become..

Karl: I've..I've tweaked it a bit and now it's educating ricky

Steve: Brilliant

Karl: Right. And that was a new feature we started last week if you weren't listening. Where I teach ricky stuff.

Ricky: What did you teach me?

Karl: Uh, I taught you about that little Chinese hairy kid.

Ricky: Yeah, you didn't teach me anything. You said there was a kid that was born a little slightly hairier than other Chinese people.

Karl: I taught you where the saying "Chewing the Fat" came from.

Ricky: I enjoyed that. That was good.

Steve: That was good, that was interesting.

Karl: ..And uh..

Ricky: And a man who had a beard 'cause he had been abducted for 3 days.

Karl: Yep. Yep.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Again that was rubbish.

Steve: Lest we forget.

Ricky: That taught me more about you than about alien abduction.

Karl: ..But what happened last week is...

Ricky: Go on...

Karl: ..uh we sort of talked about it all in one go and you can't...

Steve: Where as this week you've done what, you've spread it out over the chat

Ricky giggles

Karl: Well I've spread it across the two hours...

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: ...'cause I've always found that if you're trying to be taught to much in one go you just can't take it in and it will be wasted.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Is that your experience at school?

Karl: Yeah that's, yeah.

Steve: They taught you in three minute bursts-

Ricky: Yeah and not every day...every other month.

Steve: Yeah when you felt like it.

Karl: Right so that's what we're gonna do, right? Uhh...

Steve: So we've got Educating Ricky coming up that's exciting stuff.

Karl: Educating Ricky across the two hours.

Steve: Looking forward to it.

Karl: And what I do is... I've made little headlines again and you decide which story you wanna know first.

Ricky: All of 'em. Right give me the first headline.

Karl: No no no, not yet. We'll do that in a bit-

Ricky: Well give me a teaser!

Karl: Hang on a minute I'm telling you what else.

Ricky: Oh hurry up...

Ricky grumbles

Karl: We've also got...we've also got, we started it last week...Rock-Rockbusters.

Steve: Oh yeah that was a triumph.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: I think we went wrong there...

Ricky: Why?

Steve: By letting you do it?

Ricky: Doing it on air?

Karl: Uh...

Steve: Not thinking it through.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Bit of that.

Steve: Okay so what's the rules on Rockbusters?

Karl: We're gonna do Rockbusters but you e-mail in [email protected] when you know the answers, right? And sort of round near the end of the show we'll give out the answers so they've got to hang about.

Steve: Rick, I should tell you now umm don't-

Ricky: I'm-I'm not hangin' about.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Don't think that the listeners are going to go away empty handed...

Ricky: I was worried about that, I was worried about that.

Steve: I can tell you, don't worry, because Karl has sorted out some top quality prizes.

Ricky: Good, good.

Steve: Uhm, first up is...

Steve laughs

Steve: This is stuff that people can win, pretty excited about this, first up is a DVD of The Office.

Ricky: Ooooh.

Steve: I don't know how he got hold of it cause they are like gold dust.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: This is uhm, this is the second gift now bear in mind he's - I don't know where he's rummaging these from...this is an XFM compilation album. He's managed to sort that out somehow, I don't know how he's managed to sort that out.

Ricky: Oooh yeah. Excellent.

Steve: There's another compilation album which is got some sort of indie type hits of-

Ricky: Haven't we got a film to give away?

Steve: Well I'm glad you asked cause -

Ricky: What film though because-

Steve: I know you're a big fan of DVD's.

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Steve: It's one of the big hot releases that everyones getting their hands on...

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Yeah...Arbritary is it? This film title won't be an arbritary film will it'll be a big-

Steve: Rick, I don't want you thinking that the film that Karl has sorted out, that he sourced for us is some arbritary thing that you wouldn't get, you could buy for 3.99 in HMV. Right, they're giving these away...

Ricky: Yeah. Like in one of those big baskets...

Steve: Exactly. I don't know who is phoning up to try and win this but you can be, uh, a lucky winner.

Ricky: If this is your favourite film - it's yours.

Steve: Exactly. But yeah this is uhm, this is the big uhm star prize, the one you're all playing for...

Ricky: What is it?

Steve: It's 'Children of the Corn'.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Stephen King's, 'Children of the Corn' it's a widescreen- widescreen presenation on DVD.

Ricky: Imagine getting that and going "Excellent, we can watch this now!"

Steve: But Rick, I mean let me just run through some of the cast... Peter Horton.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Peter Hortons in it. And eh.. that uh..

Ricky: I'll tell you what, I don't want to give it away if Hort in it.

Steve: Heh, exactly.

Ricky: I'd love to see his performance again.

Steve: Also Linda Hamilton I know you're all familar with her.

Ricky: Linda Hamilton, she plays, she plays a piece of corn.

Steve: Exactly. I've not seen Children of the Corn I could be wrong but uhm it says uhh it's amazing.

Ricky: Karl, when you were rooting around in the office why didn't you start throwing like a mousemat and a pair of scissors and a pencil because that is just abirtary that.

Steve: That's an abritary selection there.

Karl: That's next weeks stuff.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But also I should say we also have some, this is a bit more exciting, we've also got some tickets for DJ Shadow who is performing at the Brixton Academy this evening.

Ricky: Yeah. He's good ain't he? He's good at DJ ing.

Steve: He's very good at DJ ing.

Ricky: Plays all the records that you want.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Don't-don't-don't bring your own he's got them all. I've seen him arrive he's got two big bags on 'im.

Steve: Yep. So there's uh three pairs of DJ Shadow tickets we'll give those away later just don't start phoning arbritarily we'll give them away in our own spare time-

Ricky: Is there any lemonade?

Steve: ...Sorry?

Ricky: I need some lemonade.

Steve: Okay well while we sort of some lemonade let's play a tune.

Ricky giggles

Karl: Ugh.

Steve: C'mon Karl don't- what's wrong?

Ricky: What Karl?!

Song: Byan Adams - Nuclear

I've Just Nicked Five of Your DVDs

Steve: Ryan Adams from his new album 'Demolition'.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: A track called 'Nuclear'.

Ricky: Yeah. I just [incomprehensible] found a new way of making it more exciting, when you're talking about summet I'll go "Yeah, brilliant" agreeing with ya, making it all interesting!

Ricky giggles

Steve: Well it's a really good album that. Apparently it's just a collection of songs and demos he's had lying around.

Ricky: Aw...I wish I had that. You know we're giving away those DVD's and Children of the Corn?

Steve: Look forward to that, Children of the Corn!

Ricky: I've got an interesting anecdote about The Office. Karl, me and Karl went out right and uh, me and Jane and Karl and Johnny and Jiji wasn't it?

Karl: No, no. No. Jiji wasn't there.

Steve: Is it important who was there?

Ricky: No. But we're walking down the street and, Karl was there he can back me up on this, we had a curry we were walking back and uh this funny little homeless fella, didn't he?

Karl: Hm.

Ricky: He uh- oh I've got to tell you first before I go "didn't he?"

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: He came up to me right and he recognized me,[laughs and stammers] talking is more diffcult than you think right, he came up to me and he went "Aw, I've just nicked one of your DVD's from HMV!" and he shook my hand. He was so happy with it and I went "Right. Excellent." and he went "All I do is just swing the bag over the top like that when I'm going out" and he had a bag of DVD's didn't he and he was so pleased to tell me that he'd stolen...isn't that great?

Ricky laughs

Karl: He said "they're going like hotcakes!"

Ricky: He said they're going like - Of course they are!

Steve: You're nicking them!

Ricky: We get paid for them though, don't we?

Steve: Not the stolen ones.

Ricky: Don't we?!

Steve: No! What do you mean? Did you sign them for him?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I bet you would you idiot! So uhm, he just nicked five... and you say he's homeless was he?

Ricky: Well I don't know he, maybe...

Karl: No.

Steve: Surely how would he have seen the show? He just walked past Currys one morning

Ricky: Dixons yeah, telly on yeah.

Steve: Saw the trailer for it, thought "Interesting".

Ricky: Don't know if he was homeless. Didn't go into his home life.

Steve: Sure. You shook his hand though and...

Ricky: He made Karl look smart. Do you know what I mean? So uh... but he wasn't northern though was he?

Karl: No he was like...uh, do you know in the fast show Paul Whitehouse that character, that shady character?

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Like that, the spit of that. Ponytail, t-shirt on a bit too big for him, and just the movement and everything like uh, y'know a Cockney little cheeky chap type person.

Steve: Little Cockney cheeky chap, yeah.

Karl: Yeah he just said "Aw, it's you!" said uh "Got your DVD's, got six of 'em from HMV going like hotcakes they are!" then he went off whistlin'. Well chuffed with himself.

Steve laughs

Karl: "Goin' like hotcakes..."

Ricky: Yeah. What's he gonna do with them then? Probably sell 'em. How does he sell them?! Where does he sell them? Does he go up to people and ask "do you want The Office DVD? They're not nicked. Four quid".

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah exactly. "Are these stolen?" "Noo"

Ricky: "No no no no no no" "They've still got the tags on 'em".

Steve: Well it's like those people who uhm, you know those cab drivers who you meet at sort of three in the morning who just got a car and just went out with a car.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: And just went "yeah I'll pick people up and charge 'em".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I got in one once and I said to him eh, the guy just pulled up and I was in east London going back to north London, I said uh "Going back to Swiss Cottage". He went "Sure, hop in!" We set off, he went "Do you know the way?"

Ricky laughs

Steve: I said "Not really no, I thought you know you're a cabbie aren't you? He went "No, don't really know the way there". I said "Do you have an A-Z?" He went "No". I thought if you're gonna go out, you know, just winging it take two things: a map and a torch. He didn't have either.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said "Uh, well I can probably get to Camden". I said "Alright, I'll direct you from there". Drove on for about five minutes making conversation. About five minutes later he went "Do you know the way to Camden?"

Ricky laughs

Steve: "I thought you knew the way to Camden!" "I don't really know the way, I thought I knew" It was ludicr-!

Ricky: Oooh let me out. Four quid.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, exactly. I don't know who's got sort of that time on their hands that they just think "It's three in the morning. I'm at a loose end. I think I'll go out and do a bit of cabbing".

Karl: Well... you know.

Steve: Because your dad was a cabbie wasn't he?

Karl: Yeah he was yeah. Couldn't stand it but it was good money.

Steve: But he was profess-he wasn't like a chancer though was he?

Karl: Black cab.

Ricky: What was he- what was he doing when he put the little forrest gump in a wheelie bin?

Karl: That was uh, part of the cab company thing. They had to do a charity event once a year and he did it one year...never asked him again.

Ricky: Tell us the story again. I know you already-

Karl: I'd rather not because uh, we got a few sort of uh, got some complaints about it.

Ricky: Why? Why'd you get complaints about it?

Karl: Because he put a kid in a bin and it's not the thing to do.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But we could use it as a sort of sobering lesson to people.

Ricky: Yeah, tell it like uh tell it like you know, you shouldn't do it.

Karl: Nah that's how I did it last time but people still didn't like it. All the stuff I tell ya, you know, I don't take the mickey out of people on purpose it's real life innit and that goes on in life. I was saying that in hospital though, you know he was in hospital and he did some jokes about old people an' that and he said "At the end of the day, if something makes you laugh it's funny. And if it makes you laugh, you can't help laughing. You know what I mean? So... what are you meant to do?

Ricky and Steve laugh awkwardly

Karl: And laughing is good for ya so..

Ricky: Well being laughed at isn't as good for you is it?

Karl: No, but there's probably more people laughing at one person so if you balance it out there's only one person who's upset and one person who's laughing. So it's-

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: That's genius! Give me and example of that, give me an example.

Steve: Well for example, Karl Pilkington talking and the people listening.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah... no. C'mon give me an little example of.... y'know.

Karl: Well I can't because again, that's what I'm saying, I can't tell you the story because there might be someone out there who... this person might be listening and think "I forgot about that and you've brought it all back to me now".

Ricky bursts

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I'd prefer to leave it but I think people know that-

Ricky: Why'd he put him in the bin in the first place?

Karl: Because he was getting out of hand.

Ricky: What was he doing though?

Karl: You see I can't explain without-

Ricky: You can, don't be silly!

Karl: I'd prefer to leave it honestly.

Ricky: What was he doing, annoying him?

Karl: He was annoying me dad and the other people in the cab.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And he thought "How can I deal with this before it gets too out of hand?"

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: He pulled over... and put the lad... in a wheelie bin.

Ricky laughs almost silently

Ricky: I'm gonna burst!

Karl: So...we'll leave that...

Ricky bursts

Ricky: ...oh god...

Karl: Right...

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. How old was the kid?

Karl: Ehm... not sure but it was a trip to sort of Blackpool so I'm guessing...

Ricky: Did he think it was one of the rides? "This is rubbish!"

Karl: ...seventeen.

Steve: Seventeen?!

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, so he was quite an old lad then.

Karl: Big lad.

Ricky: Did he pick him up?

Karl: He picked him up and put him in a wheelie bin.

Ricky bursts

Ricky: Everytime he says it I can't...

Karl: And then on the way back he got him back again and said "Right, you won't do that again".

Ricky: "On the way back"?!

Karl: Yeah he left him there for a bit.

Steve: He left him there, what, they went to Blackpool and left the kid in a wheelie bin?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Did he?!

Karl: But- yep.

Steve: What, was the kid in the wheelie bin on the way back? Did he not get out?

Karl: Yeah... no, it's tricky innit and he wasn't a normal kid was he and - let's leave it...

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: "He wasn't a normal kid"?

Karl: Right...right then so uh...

Steve: Is your father in prison?

Ricky laughs

Steve: I think he should be!

Karl: Can I put a song on?

Steve: Yeah... go on then.

Song: Nirvana - Come As You Are

Flea to Glasgow

Ricky: Feeder. 'Come Back Around'. XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I asked Karl in the week, right, what animal would he never trust. Even if he got to know it as a pet and everything, what animal would he NEVER trust. What was it.

Karl: Was this, er, the wasp?

Ricky: Yeah!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Why wouldn't you trust a wasp, Karl?

Karl: I just think that, er...

Steve: They're shifty?

Karl: ...all, all other animals, if you get 'em at an early age...

Ricky sniggers

Karl: ...you can, sort of, make 'em like ya, an' that.

Steve: You could train ‘em, and that, yeah.

Karl: A wasp? Never.

Steve: Nothing.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Is there anything, do you think there’s anything you could do that would, kind of, er, win the favour and win the trust of a wasp? What would you have to do, do you think?

Ricky: What if you had it from a little grub.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And you fed it, an’ he had its favourite marmalade.

Karl: It doesn’t affect it though, does it. A bee dies, don’t it, if it does it, so it’s not gonna, like, use it willynillily.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That’s easy for you to say!

Karl: But a wasp? I..I...I w…

Steve: Do you, what, you think they sting arbitrarily? They just sting for the fun of it? They’re like, sort of, like delinquent insects, a delinquent....

Karl: I think so, cos last night, right, and this is part of ‘Educating Ricky’ in a way, but something I learnt lastnight…

Steve: Mm.

Karl: …was that tarantulas only bite ya if you annoy it.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Right.

Karl: They don’t, d’you know how people say ohh if you’re in a sleeping bag living in a jungle a spider will get in there and it’ll bite ya.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Apparently not, you’ve got to really annoy it. The thing it really hates is having its leg, sort of, twisted.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It hates having its leg twisted. Right.

Karl: Yeah, but that, but that’s more for….

Steve: Is that what they said in the documentary?

Ricky: No!

Karl: No, no, they…

Steve: They actually said…

Ricky: Almost certainly not, Steve! Almost certainly not.

Steve: Were you watching a documentary?

Karl: N-n-no I was reading it.

Steve: Oh, you were reading it.

Karl: And, erm, it was this guy….

Steve: And was it scrawled on the wall in like a public toilet?

Ricky: No, no...

Karl: No, I tell ya, I’ll tell ya more about that later as it’s part of the…thing.

Steve: Oh right, I’m looking forward to it.

Ricky: ’Educating Ricky’.

Karl: Part of…yeah.

Steve: So, if you don’t trust the evil wasp, what animal do you trust, what’s your favourite animal?

Ricky: Well, I, I also…I said to him, right, supposing you – your mind, right, your mind was put into any animal, right, and you gotta get from where you are now, right, to Glasgow, right, as an animal, right? But the authorities will be looking out for it.

Stave chuckles

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: And it’s shooting you, right, and er – what – w – you went through loads didn’t ya?

Karl: I was thinking about it for, for, it must have took me about an hour.

Steve: So your mind, sorry, your mind has been put into an animal?

Ricky: And he - yeah, so it’s you in this animal thinking that you’ve got to get to somewhere, but maybe…

Steve: But…but the authorities know you’re in the animal?

Ricky: Yeah, but maybe your body is in Glasgow or summit, and you’ve gotta get this animal to get to you so it can transfer its mind back into your body.

Karl: But the Government knows that I’m like this.

Steve: Oh, we’ve all had that conversation.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: So the Government…so the Government are going ‘Karl can’t have his own brain back’….

Ricky: I only have it with Karl, don’t I, these conversations?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Go on, yeah.

Steve: So you’re on the way…

Karl: So think about it just for a second, so, let’s recap.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Your - your body’s in Scotland…

Steve: Right

Ricky: He’s the only one who takes my questions seriously!

Karl: Your - your brain is in London…

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Right, and there’s like loads of security and stuff looking out in the sky for animals or looking on – on the fields seeing what’s trying, what’s looking a bit suspicious.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Trying – trying to get to your body and proper brain…

Ricky: And they’re shooting them.

Karl: …and they’re shooting everything and killing all the animals. What thing would you pick to get your brain to Scotland that wouldn’t get caught and I reckon I…I – I’ve got the answer.

Steve: A wasp?

Karl: No, ‘cos think about it, a lot of people get irritated. If it, sort of, wanted to get a lift….

Ricky sniggers

Karl: ,,,in a car going down the motorway, someone’s driving, there’s a wasp in the car…

Steve: If it was hitchhiking, yeah.

Karl: ,,,it’s a nightmare.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, sure.

Karl: ’Cause a right accident.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So think of something that people wouldn’t, y’know….

Ricky: And the clock’s ticking as well, yeah.

Steve: You’re taking this really very seriously aren’t you Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, you’ve only got a couple of…

Steve: You have, you’ve given this a lot of thought haven’t you. You have.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Um, so, er…something with speed…

Ricky: Yeah, it’s gotta…

Steve: …something that can travel quite speedy.

Ricky: Well…

Karl: Well…that’s, yeah.

Ricky: Well, that’s…

Steve: Something that’s also inconspicuous?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is that the sort of thing you’re, you’re…that’s what you’re going for…yeah?

Karl: Well….

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …yeah yeah yeah.

Steve: Um…and, is it a c – is it a creature that’s, er, that’s native to this country?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah it is.

Steve: I’ve got no idea Karl. What you thinking.

Ricky: Tell him.

Karl: A flea.

Steve: A flea?

Ricky: Tell him why.

Karl: Think about it. Erm, right, this flea it’s got my brain.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Mm.

Karl: It’s dead small. The flea.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Thanks for clearing that up.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And it’s, it goes “Right, I’ve got to get to Scotland.” So it jumps on someone who’s going to Euston station…

Steve: Right.

Karl: …they don’t know it’s there.

Steve: No.

Karl: The Government can’t see it.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Can’t see it! Steve! Think of that statement!

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Think of people who’ve just tuned in!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Now…ah…

Karl: People get on the train, goes to Glasgow or Edinburgh or wherever in Scotland it is, it jumps off, goes “Right,” er, jumps on someone else who’s going the way it needs to go. Gets there, still no-one’s seeing it, jumps on me, I get me brain back…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …the Government are like...oooooooooh.

Steve: But, and you feel confident that your brain would fit in that of a flea’s?

Karl: Well, you said there was no problem with the size of it. You said you could….

Ricky: There certainly wouldn’t be.

Karl: So…

Steve: No. No

Ricky: You – I pretty much, you could download everything you know into a flea.

Karl: Yeah, so.

Steve: Well that’s genius.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: That’s, er, good thinking.

Ricky: What would you rather have, right. Roller-skate feet, and there’s little wheels, right. Er…chopstick hands, yeah?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Instead of hands, chopsticks instead of hands. Wheels instead of feet.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right. Or acne.

Karl: Err…how big are the wheels?

Steve and Ricky laugh

Steve: Can I take you guys back to the old school? Do you mind if we take – take it back to the old school?

Ricky: Yeah, what you gonna do, what you gonna lay on me?

Steve: No I was just, maybe a bit of, ah, De La Soul, if that’s not a problem?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is that a problem? Is that a problem going back to the old school? I…I’m not..

Ricky: No no no no….

Steve: I mean we don’t need to go if you don’t want…

Ricky: As long…as long as it’s vinyl shit.

Steve: It is indeed! Slam it on.

Karl: Hang on, wait….here we go.

Song:De La Soul – A Jam Named Saturday

You're Obsessed with Puns

Steve: De La Soul. Old school.

Ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Steve: And with ‘A Jam Named Saturday’.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Yeah, good stuff. Karl. So, erm, ‘Educating Ricky’. You were going to tease us now with some of the big headlines you’ve got coming up.

Ricky: Look at him dancing!

Steve: Look at him grooving. He really is in the groove there.

Ricky: He really is dancing there!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So.

Ricky: Ok.

Karl: The way this works is....

Ricky: What would you rather be Karl…

Karl: …I teach you…

Ricky: …superheroes.

Karl: …three things…

Ricky: A Frog Boy…

Karl: …right.

Ricky: Yeah, that you could leap, you could leap onto a house, but you had to go, for, you had to go BLERRRPH first and leap onto a house. You’re, you’re known as Frog Boy. Right? And, and that, and that could come in useful couldn’t it, right, yeah?

Steve: That’s very useful.

Ricky: Erm, Amploid, where you’ve got your hands are microphones and you can talk into your hands and your whole body, you can, is like a hundred decibels, and you can go “OI. COME ‘ERE!” and people can hear you from miles away. Amploid, right.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Or...or…Saddo. Right, and that means that you can go up to anyone and go “Alright?” and they just, they don’t know why, they just get fed up for a whole day.

Steve: Which of those would you prefer?

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Don’t answer now, have a think about it!

Karl: The frog thing, do I look like one or…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No, you’re just you in your Ben Sherman shirt and everything, and they go, and people walk along and they go, “Oh look at that young child, from, on that roof! He’s gonna fall, I wish Frog Boy was here!” and you go BLERRRPH and you go down, you go BLERRRPH and they go “It is! It is him!” and they don’t recognise you when you’re squattin’, they go “Don’t know who you are.”.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: And you leap up there, and you come back and they go “Where’s Frog Boy?” and you’re standing up and go “Dunno, he went that way.”

Karl: Yeah I’d probably have that one.

Ricky: Would ya?

Steve: You wanna go with Frog Boy.

Karl: Yeah yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: That’s pretty good.

Ricky: Ok. Go on.

Karl: Right so, er….did that just go out?

Ricky: Whi…what?

Karl: All that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Go on, I’ve got a bad head....

Steve: Hey, look, Rick, Karl’s really planned this show. He’s, he’s really worked it out....

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: …he came in early, he was writing things down…

Ricky: And there’s me just coming up with rubbish like that.

Steve: …and you’re just talking rubbish, so Karl, I know you’ve been thinking this through, what’ve you got.

Karl: Right, so ‘Educating Ricky’, we did it last week. It’s where I teach you some stuff but, rather than just teach you something I tease ya so you wanna know more, so you wanna take in information.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Right, so…

Steve: If only people had taught you like that Karl.

Karl: So…

Ricky: And also it’s the name of a film, sort of, nearly.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Coming up soon, Henry the VIIIth and his…well how many wives? Come back tomorrow Karl to find out!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Well, well, er, the little, the little, er, headlines I’ve got to sort of tease you with the story…

Ricky: Yeah, this is going to hurt me and I’m not very well, go on.

Karl: Right, we’ve got, er…

Steve: Don’t,so, so this is what – sorry, I – I’ve just got lost for a minute there.

Ricky: It’s ‘Educating Ricky’.

Steve: This is ‘Educating Ricky’...

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: …and these are the stories that you, these are the things you’re gonna tell him?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: But these are just headline versions?

Karl: These are headlines…

Steve: Not the actual facts?

Karl: …because then I think people will remember things.

Steve: Ah, alright, sort of bullet points.

Ricky: Who can forget ‘Hairy Chinese Boy’?

Steve: Indeed, I shall never forget that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So…

Ricky: Go on.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: First…first headline, er…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oo.

Karl: …’Don’t Do That To It, You Know It Can’t Live Without An ‘Ed’

Ricky bursts

Steve: I’ve no idea. It could be about the French Revolution, it could be about anything.

Ricky: I know what it is! I know what it is. I…eh...

Karl: No, you think you do, but…

Ricky: No, no….

Karl: Right…

Ricky: It, it’s something I taught you! Is it, is it the fact that cockroaches can live nine days without a head?

Karl: That’s part of it, but it’s something different as well, that’s why I thought’d be…

Ricky: Oh, ok.

Steve: Ok, brilliant, so that’s something to look forward to.

Karl: So, next one, you won’t work it out. Erm. ‘If Only It Was Raining’.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: M’kay?

Ricky: Brilliant, go on.

Karl: And the last one, er, ‘What’s Tomato With You?’

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Ooh! ‘What’s Tomato With You!’

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Man alive.

Ricky: Look how pleased he is.

Steve: He is, you’re, he – you’re obsessed with puns aren’t you at the moment K. You, you, you love them.

Karl: It just works, I think it works.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky snorts

Steve: You love puns.

Karl: So. There you go.

Steve: So which of those are you gonna choose, Rick?

Ricky: Oh, well I’m going to have to choose ‘Don’t Do That, You Know It Can’t Live Without An ‘Ed’.

Steve: Ooh can we play a tune and we’ll come back with that?

Karl: Yeah I reckon.

Steve: Find out what that is.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow, what a history lesson that’s gonna be.

Song: Dandy Warhols – Bohemian Like You

Have You Heard That One About Worms

Ricky: Dandy Warhols and ‘Bohemian Like You’ on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais , with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl. What’s the story then.

Karl: Right, so what, what did you say you’re going for. You’ve got your three titles, your three teasers.

Ricky: Well I think I’m gonna go for ‘Don’t Do That To It, You Know It Can’t Live Without An ‘Ed’.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Ooh I’m looking forward to this.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Right...

Steve: So this is ‘Educating Ricky’ for those who have just tuned in.

Karl: Yeah, now, something that Ricky told me about when he was educating me was that a cockroach, if you cut its head off, erm, it lives for a week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: And the only reason it dies is because it can’t take on water.

Steve: Sure. It doesn’t have a great time in that week though does it.

Ricky: No.

Steve: I mean it doesn’t get much done I don’t think.

Karl: It just…it just needs water and ‘cos it can’t find any without its eyes it eventually dies.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: Right? So…

Ricky: No.

Karl: So what…

Ricky: It can’t, no, no that’s not is. It’s ‘cos it can’t drink.

Steve: Anyway. Anyway.

Karl: So, with t – have you heard that one about worms?

Steve: Ok....

Ricky: I have, go on.

Karl: If you cut a worm in half…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …erm, a lot of people have said in the past that it’ll turn into two worms.

Ricky and Steve laugh nervously

Steve: Right...

Karl: But that isn’t actually true.

Steve: Ok, who said that?

Karl: No, it’s a we – it used to be like, you know, er....just said it on…

Steve: Kids at school said it?

Karl: Yeah, kids at school and stuff you..

Steve: Yep

Karl: So, you know, a lot of people think that.

Ricky: Don’t pick him up on stuff Steve, it’s bad enough.

Steve: Sure

Karl: So, but what they can do, if you get a worm, right, and you find out which end its head’s at….

Steve: Right.

Karl: …if you, sort of, you’ve got its head there at the left hand side, right, and if you sort of cut it in half…

Ricky: Right.

Karl: …but not in half so there’s more of its neck than the tail, if you know what I mean?

Ricky & Steve: Yeah.

Karl: The bit you’ve cut off will sort of die, and the rest of the worm will get better, so in a way you can cut it in half and it’ll survive. But only one half will survive.

Silence

Ricky: Ok.

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky snorts

Karl: What’ve you learnt there.

Steve: I wish you hadn’t of chosen that one, Rick, to be honest.

Ricky: I know, I know! I know, ‘cos it’s not, it’s nothing is it.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, you know that joke, um, uh, how d’you tell a worm’s head from it’s ar – eh, put it, put it in a bowl of flour and wait ‘till it farts, right.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: I told my mate that, right, and he went “What if it coughs?”

Steve chuckles

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah? You -

Karl: Yeah, so, it is, there is a bit of truth in, in that myth of cutting one in half.

Steve: Where did you get this information? I don’t understand where you get this information from.

Karl: That was from The Fortean Times It was like the myth, the myth about worms.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The big – that was the big article that week.

Steve: Did it take you as long to read that article as it took you to tell us just then?.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I like the fact it starts off debunking a myth…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: …that we haven’t heard of anyway.

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: You know the, the big, the big thing about cutting a worm in half and making two worms?

Ricky & Steve: No.

Ricky: Yeah, what’s the other one, what’s the other headline

Karl: I mean it’s not the thing to do either by the way. Don’t, don’t go doing it.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: It’s not very nice, it’s cruel.

Karl: But, but it can get by.

Ricky: IAnd it’s pointless.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: There’s no scientific worth in that.

Karl: Yeah.Well. There you go.

Ricky: Okay then.

Karl: So the others, now the others, see what I do, is...

Ricky: What was the others? What was the others?.

Karl: No, I’ll tell you the titles. You’re not having them yet. That, that’s the whole idea of this. People will be driving or about to go out doing the shopping and they’ll think about that now.

Ricky: What was the other two?

Karl: Well the other two…

Ricky: They won’t think about they, they’ve forgotten that now

Karl: They will, they will.

Ricky: No they’ve forgotten that already

Karl: ’If Only It Was Raining’ and ‘What’s Tomato With You?’

Ricky: Right you’ve gotta tell us…

Steve: I’m looking forward to that one.

Ricky: No, you’ve gotta me tomato with you.”

Karl: ’No, no – no, n – look look look, see what’s happening? Y’see, you already wait more education and this is what listeners will be doing.’

Steve: You, I tell you, I wish you were a teacher.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: D’you know what I mean? Kids would be saying “I know it’s half –past three but I don’t want to go home, I want more.’

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And that’s, that’s what I’m doing with you. I’m teaching ya. Taking in information.”

Ricky: Why are you teaching me things about not to cut worms in half and “What’s Tomato With You”? Please tell me what’s tomato with you Karl

Karl: In a bit In a bit, in a bit.’

Ricky: No, Karl!

Steve: Rick?

Ricky: What?

Steve: He, he, he’s thought the show through, he’s teasing the audience…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...you’re over-excited, they’re….listening.

Ricky: Yeah, maybe.

Steve: So listen I think we should all, ‘cos we got your competition to squeeze in, and we got all these great goodies, let’s not forget…

Ricky: This is amazing.

Steve: …hello? “Children of The Corn”? We’ve got to give it away, before 2 – before 3 o’clock.

Ricky: I do feel slightly that, that now this is Karl Pilkington’s show. I don’t, I don’t think we should have our names involved.

Steve: No.

Ricky: It’s not fair, is it, and I think we should give Karl the mony.

Steve: Yeah

Karl: I don’t want my name to this.’

Ricky laughs

Karl: It’s the Ricky Gervais show. Yeah. Right, the quiz.’

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Will I…will we get that out the way ‘cos they’ve only got an hour to start the game.’

Steve: Don’t you worry about that Karl, I’ve already got this one. I’m thinking, I’m thinking on your terms now. Let’s play a tune, we’ll come back…

Karl: What we playing?

Steve: …with the big competition information. Alright? Money Mark. A classic from Monkey Mark from his album ‘Push The Button’. Play that Karl and afterwards…

Song: Money Mark – Tomorrow Will Be Like Today

Steve: …are you excited? You got the competition? Look at his face he’s so excited.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now he’s thought this through.

Ricky: Loving it.

Steve: Rockbusters.

Ricky: Rockbusters!

Cryptic Clues

Mrs Zippy

What's Tomato With You

Ricky: Cold Play, Scientist, on XFM 104.9. Right. Competition, innit?

Steve: No, it's Educating Ricky part two.

Ricky: Oh, is it? I wasn't even listening. He's doing all the work, I wasn't even listening. Oh, I nearly spilt some water now on that. What's this one again, then?

Karl: Right, uhh...

Steve: What's the er, teaser headline?

Karl: Teaser headline is "What's tomato with you?"

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Go on, then.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: How excited were you when you came up with that? You couldn't wait to tell us, could you? He-hee!

Karl: I think it's a good one because you won't forget it now, will you? Like the worm one. What's special about the worm?

Ricky: A lot of people think that if you cut a worm in half, two worms will grow, but no, what happens is, if you cut the head end slightly nearer the tail than the head, the tail will die but the worm with the head will be ok, so it's exploded a myth and taught me something.

Steve laughs.

Karl: Right, so, the second one, part two of Educating Ricky, uh, "What's tomato with you?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: What this one's about is, er... ages ago...

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Ricky: That's scientific!

Steve: There's never a date, there's never a country...

Ricky: I love the attention to detail! OK, settle down children, this is A-level History. Right.

Steve: "Once upon a time..."

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. "When a mental place with swords was a king, forget his name, but he was a loony, uh, so, and it was literally ages ago. So er, good luck in the exam!"

Karl: So like, you know, all right, many years ago...

Ricky: Oh yes, yeah yeah yeah, cleared that up, go on.

Karl: They thought tomatoes were poisonous.

Ricky sniggers. Steve laughs.

Steve: OK.

Karl: Right? Because what they-

Ricky: Hold on, are they going to be proved wrong at the end of this story?

Karl: Well, what-

Ricky: Because I don't want to give away the ending, but... is it something to do with the... are they poisonous, tomatoes?

Karl: Nope.

Ricky: Oh, you're having a laugh.

Steve: I don't believe it.

Ricky: Go on, go on.

Karl: But what-

Steve: I could have been eating tomatoes all this time!

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Oh, Steve, what's tomato with you, anyway?

Steve laughs.

Steve: OK, so, wait a minute.

Ricky: Oh, “what’s tomato with you?”.

Steve: Let’s just recap quickly, recap quickly. Many years ago, when people thought tromatoes were poisonous…

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Go on, yeah.

Karl: They didn’t know they were poisonous then because they were still eating them. But what was happening was-

Ricky: Well they’re not.

Steve: But they’re not poisonous.

Karl: Ah! But hang on a minute…

Steve: All right, I’m not going- I’m just going to listen. I’m not going to talk now.

Ricky: OK, I’m not going to talk anymore.

Karl: So, if you remember, years ago, they didn’t have, like, pottery plates.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: They had lead plates, right?

Steve laughs.

Ricky: What are you talking about?

Steve: Just let him talk-

Ricky: Sorry, what year is this?

Steve: Let him talk…

Karl: Plates made out of lead, and what they’d end up doing, they’d say, “Right, do you want a tomato?” and they’d go, “Yeah, all right,” and they’d put the tomato on the lead plate and cut it, and because of the acid in the tomato, right, it would sort of… er, sort of, make the lead runny, and the lead would go into the tomato, and they’d say, “Oh, it’s lovely this,” and they’d be eating it, they’d get food poisoning, lead poisoning and what have you, and they’d be really ill. So they thought tomatoes were poisonous so they didn’t eat them for many years.

Steve: And when you say they, do you mean the people of Narnia?

Ricky: Yeah! This didn’t happen, Karl.

Steve: Where was this happening?

Karl: Err… sort of in Britain… and that.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: You put him on the spot there! Oh, I hope there’s no uppity pupils in this school when they go, “What do you mean, sir?”—“Oh, if you’re gonna… oh, I’m fed up with you…”

Karl: Do you understand?

Ricky: No!

Karl: So, so- the, the-

Ricky: First of all, Karl, where did you get this information from?

Karl: Where did I get that…

Steve: 'Fortean Times' as well?

Karl: I…

Steve: You can’t remember.

Karl: I don’t know where I got that from.

Ricky and Steve snigger.

Karl: But… what I don’t… why don’t you think it makes sense?

Ricky: But, what? Somoeone once got lead poisoning from a tomato?

Karl: Not just one, loads, and then all of a sudden…

Ricky laughs.

Karl: No, no…

Ricky: Why is this educating me?

Karl: Because I’m telling you that tomatoes used to…

Ricky: But I can’t take anything away from this! I don’t know what to take away from this! What have I learnt? What have I learnt? Don’t mix lead with tomatoes?

Steve laughs.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Why is this educational in any shape or form? What are you talk- what are you telling me?

Ricky taps the desk.

Ricky: “A long time ago in the land of Glunk, right, where the Ninnies did slib, right, they thought tomatoes were poisonous because they ate of plates of lead!” What are you talking about?

Karl: We all know tomatoes aren’t poisonous.

Both: Ricky and Steve laugh.

Ricky: What are you talking about?

Karl: Is that what we’re taking from the story?

Ricky: Is that the moral of the story? Don’t believe these people that I’d never heard of before? What are you talking about, Karl?

Karl: I just… I think it’s a bit weird.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: I think it’s a bit weird, yeah!

Steve: Is this the same people who were spreading those malicious worm rumours?

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: My hangover’s coming back. I’ve got to get some water. Play a record--that was rubbish.

Steve laughs.