21 June 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 21 June 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

It Wasn't Even a Holiday

Song: The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Ricky: Well, there's The Darkness, they believe in a thing called love, Karl, do you? This is XFM 104.9. That is my favorite band at the moment.

Steve: You're lovin' 'em.

Ricky: I- I absolutely love them. I think they're funny. I think they're straight down the line with a little bit of tongue-in-cheek.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Ah, brilliant. Did you see them on Jools Holland last night?

Steve: I didn't, sadly, no.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Were they good?

Ricky: Absolutely- just- oh- I mean, Jools didn't know what to do.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Was he playing some boogie woogie?

Ricky: He- They wouldn't let him play boogie woogie over their song.

Steve: Blimey.

Ricky: That's why, I mean, that's why he stayed back. But, uh-

Steve: I can't imagine it was very good then.

Ricky: He shook the- It was-

Steve: I'm surprised you said they were good.

Ricky: I thought- I thought, "Hold on. This is missing something."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "This- this is missing someone from Squeeze vamping over them."

Steve Laughs

Steve: Exactly, yeah.

Ricky: But, um, they did- they did well without him.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow. Good luck to them.

Ricky: Here we are then, we're back. XFM 104.9. Karl had to leave early last week, but um, you- can you stay to the end this week, mate? Or-

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: You don't need a- you don't need another holiday?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Ooh. Oh, he's started already.

Steve: I mean, you know-

Ricky: Steve's made you look like a bit of a twat already and it's only five past one.

Karl: But the only reason you don't go on holiday is 'cause you have to spend money!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Oh! And he's come straight back!

Steve: Well...

Ricky: He's come straight-

Ricky Laughs More

Steve: I can't come back to that. It's just-

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: It's just dynamite. It's just absolute- that was- that was- that was searing-

Ricky: Although the last holiday he- the last holiday Steve had- he, sort of, found a third world country so he could live like a king for a week. It was Cuba wasn't it?

Steve: Went to Cuba, amazing. You can live- you can almost rule the place.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: If it weren't for Castro I'd have been in charge the kind of cash I was flashing around. They'll do anything for a dollar over there. It's extraordinary. Literally. I mean, it's amazing.

Ricky: Yeah. Ohhh.

Steve: Definitely. And I went to Kenya before that.

Ricky: So he thought, the prostitute said no. You were gut-

Steve: Well, it was two dollars, I'm not made of money.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Did you have a good holiday, Karl?

Karl: Uhhhh. Yeah, it was alright. It was alright. Went down to Cornwall.

Steve: Now you were going to the monkey sanctuary.

Karl: Tell you what, there's some odd people down there, Steve.

Steve: Well, don't look at me, I'm not from Cornwall.

Karl: Well, you're from that, sort of, area.

Steve: Well, not really, but-

Ricky: Genetically, he means.

Steve: Right.

Karl: They're weird.

Steve: Mm, well, you must've slided right in.

Ricky: Why are they weird? What do they look like?

Karl: They're just all, sort of, uh, odd people. Uh, lot of old people but not just old, sort of, messed up old.

Ricky: What do you mean "messed up old"? Describe- you can't just say that. There's- there's-

Karl: There's a woman with a funny neck.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Okay. In what way was it funny?

Ricky: What- why did she have a funny neck? If you were writing an essay you wouldn't say "there was this woman with a funny neck". How would you describe it?

Karl: She, uh, sort of, had her head pointed down all the time.

Karl Imitates the Woman with the Funny Neck

Ricky: Don't do it! This is radio.

Karl: No, but, just for you, like that. Walkin' about like that.

Ricky: Yeah... okay... right. So, brilliant.

Karl: And I don't know- I was saying to Suzanne, "What happened? You know, what do you think?"

Ricky: 'Cause Suzanne knows everything, that's the good thing about her being with you. You just ask her, "What happened to her?" and Suzanne goes, "Karl, I don't know. I haven't been here before.

Steve: Suzanne, your girlfriend, or "Mummy" as you call her.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Oh, sparks are flying.

Steve imitating Karl

Steve: I got a little bit of choco, could you just lick a tissue and wipe it off?"

Karl: She said it might've been like 'cause back in the olden days they carried stuff on their-

Ricky: The olden days!

Steve Laughs

Steve: What do you mean "the olden days"?

Ricky: This woman was probably what? 50?

Karl: Uh, no, she looked about 70.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But like I do on Cheeky Freak of the Week, right, I always turn it 'round and we get, like, something good out of it.

Steve: Something positive, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said- I said to Suzanne, "I bet she finds a lot of money."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Always starin' at the ground, yeah.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Karl: Which is always- which is always good.

Ricky: So, um, you're back-

Steve: Maybe she just had new shoes and she was admiring them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Did you think of that before you pointed a finger and judged?

Ricky: Or her necklace was too heavy.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So, you're back, refreshed. So, uh, what have we got for this week? Have we- sort of- 'cause we didn't meet last night which, uh, we usually meet, sort of-

Karl: No, I called you and said it'd be good if we could. I- you know, I wasn't getting back into London 'til half past 7.

Ricky: Well, I was up for it. I was up for it. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, but we all need to be there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's no good just me and you being there.

Ricky: Yeah, so... yeah.

Steve: No, you're right. I mean, you're absolutely right that I wasn't there, yeah, 'cause I wasn't willing to, uh, just be governed by your particular schedule. You want to JET back in from another of your holidays-

Karl: Right, it wasn't a holiday.

Steve: At 8 o'clock.

Karl: Wasn't a holiday.

Steve: What? So what- you were out of town-

Ricky: What do you mean? Hold on. Whoa whoa. What do you mean it wasn't a holiday? What was it?

Karl: It was a- well, it was a treat, wasn't it? For me mam and dad. So, it wasn't a holiday.

Ricky: What? So, you didn't enjoy the five days off? You'd rather have been here moaning eight hours a day? Seven hours a day...

Steve: You see, we said last week that you're always whinging. Here you are whinging now.

Karl: I'm not moaning.

Ricky: And you're saying it's not even a holiday. You're saying it's not even a holiday. What was it then?

Karl: Alright, would, like, a nurse who takes sick children to Florida, would they say "having a great holiday"?

Ricky: Sorry. What- what- what particular ailment do your parents have for the week that they had to fly in Karl Pilkington M.D.?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What you talkin' about?

Karl: Well... alright it was a holiday.

Steve: Well then!

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Good. Now some honesty- now some truths almost.

Ricky: So you came in, you came back from your holiday- you wanted to start back to work straight away so you couldn't be bothered to meet. Is that what you're saying?

Karl: That's what I'm saying.

Ricky: So we've got nothing prepared for this.

Karl: Well, you can rely on Rockbusters.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Right that's coming up.

Steve: We've got nothing.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Uh, Monkey News.

Ricky: Even though you were away you were still working?

Karl: Still doing stuff.

Steve: Did you go to the monkey sanctuary?

Karl: I'll tell you about that later.

Steve: Tell us about it.

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Alright. Do you want... Smashing Pumpkins?

Steve: Smashing Pumpkins...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: ...I've got an old classic from them; Cherub Rock.

Ricky: Yup. Yup.

Song: Smashing Pumpkins - Cherub Rock

Monkey Spotted Holidaying in Cornwall

Karl: ...We went to this place right me mam and had been there before and said "you'll love it, It's brilliant. It's got like er... a war bit in it."

Steve: A war bit? Right.

Karl: Yeah like, because they know I'm into tanks and stuff. Said "you'll be loving that".

Ricky: S-Sorry I didn't know you were into tanks.

Steve: No.

Karl: Well... They're alright.