09 February 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 09 February 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

They Still Think You Talk A Little Bit Too Much

Ricky: White Stripes, Fell In Love With A Girl, XFM 104.9, five past one, of a Saturday, that's what DJs say.

Steve: 'Of a Saturday.'

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: 'Of a Saturday...'

Ricky: Fast approaching...

Steve: Time fast approaching ten past one...

Ricky giggles.

Steve: What do you, what do you mean 'it's fast approaching', what it's speeding up is it? Time speeding up as it gets towards ten past two? Shut up!

Ricky: Ricky Gervais, obviously.

Steve: With him, Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Yeah, and Karl Pilkington...

Steve: Let's not forget Karl Pil- Karl P, the K-man.

Ricky: He's, peop-, he's growing on people now.

Steve: People love him; people love him.

Ricky: People was thinking 'oh god', 'oh he's, he's too much', now they're going 'they love him', like same as you, I mean they, they still think you talk a little bit too much, but I mean they love Karl, and you know, but, er, I shouldn't say that, cos it'll, it'll you know, rock your confidence.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Ricky: You know, yeah...

Steve: No, no, no, I am a man of... nerves, sorry I'm sidetracked Rick, cos I'm looking on the Internet here, on the website for XFM...

Ricky: Yeah, bored?

Steve: Cos, I was... yeah, partly bored, but also I was looking on there the other day, cos...

Ricky: Nothing I said, though, was it?

Steve: No, no, no.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And, there was some people, er, commenting on the show.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And one person on there, and I'm trying to find it here, I don't wanna misquote them, but basically as far as I remember, they said that we knew even less about the music than the Djs that are on in the week.

Ricky: Right, I think, that is scientifically impossible.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So they've embarrassed themselves.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I think, I think, it's impossible.

Steve: You can't know less than the people that are on in the week.

Ricky: I don't think so.

Steve: It's like, it's just...

Ricky: I mean, I, I...

Steve: It's like trying to multiply zero.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You just end up with zero.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It doesn't make sense.

Ricky: I'll check with Steve Taylor, 'the man with the knowledge'.

Steve: Hmm.

Ricky: He should know, but I p-, pretty, I don't think that, that's really annoying!

Steve: It's so annoying, because I'll tell you this, we are passionate about the music, and we do know what we're talking about, just cos we don't read the back of the CD box...

Ricky: No!

Steve: Like Claire Sturgess or Ian Camfield.

Ricky: Or play the list we're given, with the nine CDs that's on the playlist every month.

Steve: There's a piece of paper here...

Ricky: Karl's looking at me!He's thinking 'oh no, we're having a go.'

Steve: We're giving away the magic of radio.

Ricky cackles.

Steve: We get pieces of paper here, and they got little bits of details, so for instance White Stripes, “this is the next single of White Blood Cells, February 2002”, now it sounds like we know about the music...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We read that off a piece of a paper.

Ricky: Exactly. Whereas, when we say about music and we're wrong, at least we, it's cos we didn't know!

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: See!

Steve: Alright... don't criticise us...

Jaffa Cakes Cure Cancer

Ricky back announces the song by mumbling incoherently about 'Allstars'.

Steve: Sorry, can I just, I don't wanna criticise there...

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: But if I was listening and I'd enjoyed that track and wanted to know what it was, I wouldn't have understood what you just said.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Can you just say that again?

Ricky: Low Fidelity Allstars.

Steve: Yeah, Low Fidelity, cos you went...

Steve does an impresssion of Ricky's poor diction.

Ricky: I was doing a, I was doing me DJ talk...

Steve: No, it's just you didn't...

Ricky: Lazy...

Steve: ...open your mouth wide enough, as usual.

Ricky: I can't be bothered!

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: It's, it takes too, look at him, listen to him crinchling his little, 'crinchling'?

Steve: Crinchling? You're not crinchling are you?

Ricky: You're not crinchling your Jaffa Cakes are you?

Karl: It wasn't going out on air; no-one knew.

Ricky: I bet you're one of those people in cinemas that think you're being really quiet, eating a bag of crisps, aren't ya? Do you go to cinemas?

Karl: Hmm, haven't been for a bit actually...

Steve: What do you do Karl?

Ricky: (Brief Cackle) Karl!

Steve: What's an entertaining evening for you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What would you do to occupy your time?

Karl: ...erm...

Steve: Your hobbies for instance?

Karl: Might, might get a video out, from Prime Time.

Steve: Right, what, what, what, what, would you enjoy that, or would it just be a chore for you?

Karl: No, no, I think things like that...

Ricky: Would you really hate doing that?

Karl: That's when you really switch off, and you forget all your problems and stuff...

Ricky: Why...you haven't got any problems!

Steve: You haven't got any problems Karl.

Ricky: You haven't...

Karl: You don't know that, I put on a face when I'm with you!

Ricky gives a short but massive burst of laughter.

Steve: You wear a mask... are you crying inside?

Ricky: This is you being the happiest you can be, you're like a clown aren't ya? Oh...

Karl: You think I'm like a hard miserable man? Cos I was, somebody else...

Ricky: I don't think you're hard.

Karl: ...was saying this the other day and like I said to 'em 'I can't watch The Elephant Man, because it upsets me...'

Ricky explodes with laughter.

Ricky: Karl! You're the best! You don't know you're doing it, you're the best.

Karl: Can you watch it?

Ricky: Erm, well...

Karl: When it gets to that bit, where they're carrying him through the village, and they're messing about with his head.

Ricky giggles as Steve stifles a laugh.

Steve: This is true, my dad watched that once, and we were watching it, and my mum and my sister and that were all quite moved by it, almost moved to tears, thinking it was a wonderful example of man's inhumanity to man and all those things, and my dad just went, 'wouldn't he make an amazing novelty rucksack.'

Ricky bursts.

Steve: And it cheapened the film for me, I've never had that sort of emotion since...

Ricky: Steve was thinking 'he's not that ugly'.

Steve gulps his tea.

Steve: Blimey here we go! We were laughing at Karl! Can we focus on one person at a time, Rick, please, let's destroy him first.

Ricky: Oh god, tell him what you said to me when that record was playing, about the Jaffa Cak... he handed, he bought some Jaffa Cakes in, which was lovely, he went across the road, and he handed out the Jaffa Cakes, and I went 'oh thanks very much' and then what did you say?

Karl: I just remember learning at school, er, and I'm not like making fun of the illness cos it's not funny, but, erm, they cure cancer.

Steve: Jaffa Cakes cure cancer?

Karl: Not, not like fully.

Steve: They just go some way to helping...

Karl: Yeah, do you know erm, it'll sort of help. If you've got it you can't say, get me a load of Jaffa Cakes...

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I think it sort of puts a bit of a stop to it, if you haven't got it. D'you know what I mean, it's like having vitamin tablets.

Steve: Is this medically proven? Should we get Dr Fox down here to confirm that?

Ricky: (Through giggles) I can't... I can't...

Karl: I'm not sure...

Ricky: I actually can't cope. You are just... play a record...play a record.

Steve: Can I just, if anyone has ever survived cancer thanks to Jaffa Cakes, please call in.

Karl: No, but I didn't say that!

Ricky: Then he said, he went 'it's the orange thing in it', and then he read, he tried to read, he said 'I wonder if it's...' and he tried to read out this scientific name!

Shakespeare Doesn't Count?

Ricky: Gomez, that's my favourite one they've ever done.

Steve: It's great isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah, really good, yeah.

Steve: Cos I always had a problem with Gomez, before, cos it always sounded like they were trying to sound like these world weary Tom Wait style gravelly-voiced guys...

Ricky: And they were 20.

Steve: ...and they were like 14, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, but I mean that, that's great, that's really good, yeah...

Steve: Yeah, no, it's incredible.

Ricky: Well done boys!

Steve: Yeah, well done.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: (In Voiceover voice) 'Ricky Gervais gives it thumbs up!'

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Oh dear, can I play an Elvis Costello track?

Steve: You know, I'd love to bloody hear some Elvis Costello, d'you mind me saying that?

Ricky: Well, you know why, cos we met him and he's a lovely man.

Steve: We did meet him yeah.

Ricky: And yeah...

Steve: Without wishing to show off.

Ricky: And I remembered all the great songs he's ever done, I didn't like his spoken word much, too, you know too much, and, er, some of his later projects, I thought were a little bit- but his own songs, from, you know, 1978 to about 198- I thought were great.

Steve: Why did we meet him, I'm just trying to remember why we met him Rick?

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Can't remember...

Ricky: I wasn't, well I wasn't doing that.

Steve: No, I just... I can't remember...

Ricky: We won an award.

Steve: Is it cos we won another 'bloody' award...

Ricky shrieks with laughter.

Steve: Arrrr, stop giving us awards please!

Ricky: Oh god...

Steve: Oh... I've not got enough room in my house!

Ricky: Oh dear, we've only got two; and we haven't got one of those, one of them's the BBC's, so he's got a lot of room in his house, and I've got the other one, he let me have it, so he's got no awards in his house at all.

Steve: Can I, erm...

Ricky: You can borrow it.

Steve: Can I, I don't know who you were talking to, I spoke to Richard Wilson from 'One Foot in the Grave'.

Ricky: I spoke to him briefly.

Steve: He's a lovely bloke, he's a really nice guy, but he said to me, he said, could he, er “Could I do a cameo in 'The Office' for £40,000” and I went 'Could like Ricky do like an amusing pratfall or something, then you just come in as a cleaner and go “I don't believe it.”' and he looked at me like, like, why have you said that...

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: Why have you brought that up? I felt so guilty.

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: I just felt so, I so wanted to apologise.

Ricky: But why is it, we know it's wrong to do that!

Steve: I don't know why I said it!

Ricky: We know not to do it.

Steve: I don't know why I said it.

Ricky: Do we think 'no it's different for me'.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I'll...

Steve: We're in the business.

Ricky: I'll do a new twist on 'I don't believe it' and he'll go 'you know that's the best 'I don't believe it' twist I've ever heard.

Steve: I don't know what I was thinking.

Ricky: Why did you...?

Steve: I was so...

Ricky: ...you didn't tell me that.

Steve: I know, I felt ashamed; I felt really ashamed.

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: I was a little bit drunk, I wasn't thinking straight.

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: It's so embarrassing. I was talking to a friend of mine, who said, who was it, er, he said that he was watching, it was erm, it was a sportscast, it may have been Formula One racing, or something like that, and he was watching and there was the commentator and you know the commentators have got to keep talking all the time.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he was going “...and there's the, there's the team there, oh, good to see soandso's girlfriend in the...” and he said he saw, and it cut to Richard Wilson in the audience and he went, and the bloke went, “and there's... One Foot in the Grave.”

Ricky cackles.

Steve: I love that, he knew he had to say it, but he couldn't remember his name, or the character.

Ricky: That's fantastic!

Steve: “And there's... One Foot in the Grave.”

Ricky: Oh dear!

Steve: That would be brilliant, “And there's... The Office.”

Laughter from Ricky.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: What you're, you're putting us alongside One Foot in the Grave, a thing that's been going like ten years and won all those, you're putting us alongsi- it beat us Steve, get over it, it beat us in The Comedy Awards.

Steve: No, I'm just saying you're like, an identifiable face if you were at a Formula One event, you know, old, grumpy...

Ricky: One foot in the grave.

Steve: Yeah, one foot in the grave, exactly, anyway, Karl, any thoughts before we move on? On anything we've said so far?

Karl: Elvis Costello...

Ricky: Well, I wanted to play 'Red Shoes'.

Steve: Are we ready for...

Karl: Not yet, not yet, I was just saying...

Ricky: What?

Karl: ...do you know who is dad is?

Ricky: Declas... MacManus, no, Declas Mac...

Karl: I don't know his real name.

Ricky: Declan MacManus, he was a big band leader in the fifties or something weren't he?

Karl: No, he was in the R. Whites lemonade ad.

Ricky: Oh!

Karl: Was he?

Ricky: Oh no, it's something, it's something to do with that.

Steve: Good, so we're catering there to the audience listening who are fifty and above.

Ricky squirts out a laugh.

Karl: I remember it.

Steve: Well I don't, and I'm the target audience.

Ricky: (Singing) "I'm a secret lemonade drinker, R. Whites, R. Whites Lemonade...” you must remember that.

Steve: Never heard that.

Ricky: Oh, oh those chimps that drink tea, oh. Once right, at school, we had a French dictionary, and you know (singing) “Ice cold co- coke, on the back of my throat, singing hello summertime, it's the real thing!” Remember that?

Steve: No!

Ricky: Oh you weren't there - we translated that into French...

Steve: Is that the end of that story?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's the end of the story...

Ricky: Yeah! But I know it in French!

Steve: Do it.

Ricky: But it doesn't make sense, we just literally did the word...

Steve: Go on, let me hear it... can't believe you remember this.

Ricky: Tres froid Coke, sur la derriere a mon gorge, chanter bonjour estivale-temps, celebrate...

Steve: That's the only French you know isn't it!

Ricky: It's not even French, we just did it word for word, it doesn't make any sense.

Steve: Can you say another word of French?

Ricky: La plume...

Steve: Can you quote Shakespeare?

Ricky: La plume de ma tante.

Steve: Can you... can you...

Ricky: That's my aunt's pen.

Steve: ...quote anything else; is there anything else you can quote. Other than that, is there anything else you learned at school, that you can remember word for word?

Ricky: Nope.

Steve: Nothing.

Ricky: Le chat est sur la mûr.

Steve: I don't just mean French, I mean anything, English, maybe some, a bit, a bit of poetry...

Ricky: What do you mean...

Steve: ...you can remember.

Ricky: ...of course I can.

Steve: Go on, quote a bit of poetry for me.

Ricky: Erm, like what?

Steve: Whatever you want.

Ricky: “But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun, arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick...”, well, what do you want?

Steve: It doesn't really count.

Ricky: What, Shakespeare doesn't count!?

Steve: No cos that's... everyone knows that one!

Ricky: Oh go on, what then!? What should I know!?

Steve: ...The Windhover by Gerald Manley Hopkins.

Ricky laughs incredulously.

Steve: What you can't do that one? “I caught this morning morning’s minion, kingdom of daylight’s dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding...”

Ricky: Play a record... hang on, no, we haven't done Karl yet.

Steve: Wait a minute, K-man, anything you can remember from school that you learned? That you maybe had to memorise.

Karl: French... French?

Steve: Not necessarily French, could be...

Ricky: Anything, anything you can remember, this could be anything you remember from school, apart from the orange stuff stops cancer.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: “It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in.”

Ricky: Play a record.

I'm Surprised I'm Not Welsh

Ricky: Beatles – Revolution, was that clear?

Steve: Yes it was.

Ricky: Yeah. Good. We gotta speed this up, cos we, you know, it's funny cos our first link, we had a go at like the library and the playlist, when we played a record Karl went 'you usually do that at the end when you've run out of stuff.'

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: So...

Steve: What slag stuff off.

Ricky: So we started with what's usually our worst bit of material, so I think we've gotta do, turn this show round.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Karl's been holding this together to be honest.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: It's Karl's beautiful naivety, and can I say it Karl in the nicest way – stupidity.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: That are keeping the listeners – look at...

Karl: I wouldn't class it as stupid.

Ricky cackles.

Karl: It's all educati...

Ricky: I'm only joking, I'm only joking mate, of course you're not stupid, everyone knows you're not stupid, you're sincere and that – and that can sometimes be, you know, frowned upon in this cynical world.

Karl: Would you say you've learned stuff from me in the past few weeks.

Ricky: Definitely. Definitely, definitely, definitely. Rather like a scientist learns from a, like a, injecting mice.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, but I've learned from you about ants and stuff, I think every week as weeks go on, I feel like...

Ricky: We're learning from each other.

Karl: ...I'm learning more now than I did when I was at school.

Steve: Can I just clarify...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You, you weren't raised as an experiment, and you've escaped from a laboratory. You are, you had a normal upbringing in Manchester and that?

Karl: I didn't – I didn't go to school much, cos me mam and dad had a caravan.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: No need is there! No need when you got that sort of fun at home!

Karl: We just used to go away for weeks.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Is that true?

Karl: Yeah, honestly.

Ricky: Where did you used to go?

Karl: Porthmadog.

Ricky and Steve giggle.

Steve: And, er, so you didn't go to school, much?

Karl: No, I did, but not as much as everyone else.

Ricky: No.

Steve: How many holidays were your parents having?

Karl: Loads...

Steve: What was there income that they could...

Karl: No, well me dad used to work nights and he used to travel back, cos from Manchester to Wales wasn't that far...

Steve: Manchester to Wales!

Karl: He used to do four on and four off, so me and me mam were like loving it.

Ricky: But, what, what, what, Port Meredith?

Karl: Porthmadog.

Ricky: Porthmadog?

Karl: Just down the road from Port Merrion, where they filmed 'The Prisoner'.

Ricky: Right...

Steve: Oh thanks, that's cleared it up for me.

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: Location-wise.

Ricky: So what did you do then, you were in this little two-berth caravan on the back of a Cortina estate, what was it, it was a car, what was it?

Karl: Granada, it was a Ford Granada.

Ricky: Ford Granada, what are we talking 198...

Karl: Yeah, 82, 83, 84, 85.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Those years.

Ricky: You're in the car, down there, down there (whistles), park up, what was it, what was Port Meredith?

Karl: Porthmadog.

Ricky: Porthmadog.

Steve: Remember Ruth.

Karl: It's just...

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: It's just a holiday camp...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And an arcade and a beach, I was, I was loving it.

Steve: So, of, of the 52 weeks of the year, let's assume, I don't know how many weeks you take off normally for holidays anyway, let's say you go to school, I don't know, 45 weeks of the year maybe, generally, most kids.

Karl: No.

Ricky: Bit less.

Steve: Bit less than that.

Ricky: About 42 innit?

Steve: How many weeks would you say you actually spent in school?

Careful consideration from Karl.

Karl: Well, how many weeks do you have off for summer, to start off with?

Steve: Well we just worked that out, that's what we mean.

Ricky: About six off for summer, about three for easter, about three for Christmas.

Karl: Put it this way, I'm surprised I'm not Welsh, to be honest.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Cos I was there more than I was in Manchester.

Steve: Did they not, did the school authority not come and check you out?

Karl: No, they didn't.

Steve: In Manchester, I suppose they didn't care, did they.

Karl: Not really.

Ricky: They were lucky he turned up at all, did you just turn up for the last day, when you can take in your best toy, did you ever do that when you can take in any game...

Karl: I just played with everyone else's, why, you know, why break my stuff?

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Well, this answers a lot, this does answer a lot, the fact that you spent most of your time on the beach, as a kid.

Karl: Teachers were no good, at my school, we were talking about it yesterday...

Steve: So you're teaching them a lesson by going off for the summer.

Giggling.

Steve: Did you go to university?

Karl: No.

Steve: Did you go to Sixth Form or college?

Karl: No.

Steve: When did you leave school?

Karl: When I was about 15.

Steve: Right, you just went on holiday and didn't come back.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: No, I just got a job early didn't I, cos I...

Steve: Where was that, Porthmadog?

Karl: ...thought get in there, no I was a printer, BO Print in Trafford Park.

Ricky: Well that's great, that's a little interview there...

Steve: Yeah a little...

Ricky: Next, I'll be interviewing Steve Merchant, what we playing next?

Karl: Bit of Elbow.

Ricky: Ah, ah, this is fantastic; this is Elbow.

Happy Saturdays

Ricky: Elbow – 'Asleep in the Back', I think that is absolutely beautiful, I think Elbow are my favourite new group.

Steve: We've sang their praises many times, and they've never phoned to thank us.

Ricky: Should they?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah, really?

Steve: Annoying, annoying.

Ricky: No, they're, they are doing a good job there, I wonder if they found their lyrics, cos I also wanted to write a song for 'em didn't I, they didn't take me up on that either Steve!

Steve: I'm not sure I'm so keen on them now.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Karl, can I have a Jaffa Cake, cos I just found a lump.

Ricky and Steve giggle.

Ricky: You don't mean me do ya?

Steve: No, no, no, no.

Ricky: Oh right. Good.

Steve: Thanks mate, hmm.

Ricky: We interviewed Karl there, I think we've learned a little bit more about Karl there, yeah, and, er, I'm gonna interview Steve now, Karl, because I used to be, are you concentrating, don't put it in all at once.

Steve: Karl, chew. Chew before you swallow, careful.

Ricky: Umm...

Karl: I used to suffer with that a lot.

Steve: What, not chewing?

Karl: The amount of times I nearly died as a kid.

Steve: What, forgetting to chew?

Karl: Choking.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Mint imperials... me mam stopped having 'em...

They all laugh.

Steve: Drinking 'em with water.

Karl: She had to hide 'em.

They all laugh; Ricky laughs loudest.

Ricky: He's coming out of his shell ain't he! He's happy Saturdays, he's miserable all week, and he's happy Saturdays ain't he, oh look at him. It's like we get him weekends.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And he's happy cos we sort of spoil him, don't we and he had Jaffa Cakes and everything and we let him on the radio.

Steve: Then he has to go live with his step-mum again in the week.

Ricky: (Laughing)Oh no.

Karl: You're the only ones that listen.

Ricky: Ah, really?

Steve: What do you say? You're girlfriend does, doesn't she?

Karl: She's been away for ages.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: I imagine she just switches off after a while.

Ricky: But you know, you know, you know we love you, don't you...we..we're excited, we talk about you in the week and we, you know, we think you're great, so don't just think we're using you as a...

Steve: For cheap comedy material... I'd hate you to think that Karl.

Ricky: Right, no I'm gonna interview Steve, cos you know I used to be a chat show host, well I am a chat show host.

Steve: Well...

Ricky: Well, did you see Meet Ricky Gervais?

Steve: No... I worked on it and I didn't watch it. No-one watched it.

Ricky: That's true, that's terrible.

Karl: I watched it.

Steve: No-one watched it.

Ricky: What did ya think Karl?

Karl: I loved it.

Ricky: See!

Steve: Are you thinking of Parkinson?

Karl: And I didn't know Ricky then, so I'm being fair.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, well, I'm gonna interview Steve Merchant now.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Live on-air, Xfm 104.9, we should say that more often.

Steve: Yes...Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: Cos they might tune in and think they got hospital radio by mistake.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Yeah, Ricky Gervais, okay, erm, Steve Merchant, hello...

Steve: Great to be here.

Ricky: ...hi, now, erm, you're a very tall man, if I might say, you're six foot seven aren't you?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Was that a bit of a problem at school?

Steve: Ah, well, you know, a few jokes here and there, gentle ribbing, but nothing too problematic.

Ricky: ”What's the weather like up there?”

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Skinny, all that sort of thing, or 'you lanky', oh dear, and er, but er, what about the glasses ?

Steve: Well I wear glasses, but again it weren't really a problem, but they didn't call you four eyes or anything, didn't call you 'four-eyes freaky lank thing', didn't call you 'freakpot'? 'Freaky the Freakish...

Steve: Alright! I'm not...

Ricky: ...Gimp, Four-Eyed Git.'

Steve: ...sure I'm enjoying this Rick.

Steve: I'm not sure...

Ricky: What? Well I'm just saying they didn't do that.

Steve: As an interview, I'm not sure that's the best approach.

Ricky: Okay, okay, and then you left school...

Steve: If I'm honest.

Ricky: ...you left school, you went to university, there were you called freaky...

Steve: No, what, I've never been called...

Ricky: freak four-eyed git...

Steve: No, I've never been called a four-eyed git.

Ricky: Are you sure?

Steve: Never been called it.

Ricky: Were you called a freaky lanky four-eyed stupid hair boggle-eyed freakface - fishface?

Steve: Is your chat show coming back?

Ricky howls with laughter.

Steve: Is this what you, I never watched it, is this what you said to people like, I mean you had some big names on there didn't you, Tony Hart, that bloke of 'Ground Force'...

Ricky: Well, the problem was, they'd either heard of me or they hadn't...either way...

Steve: They decided... it was a problem.

Ricky: Yeah it was, it was, it was a problem.

Steve: Who would you say is the biggest name you had?

Ricky: Err, they're all dead now.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Erm, probably the youngest one survived, I think Penny Smith is still with us.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah, erm, biggest name?

Steve: You had Saville.

Ricky: Jimmy Saville.

Steve: You had Daniels – Paul.

Ricky: Yeah Paul Daniels, yeah.

Steve: Which was the biggest name would you say you had on the show from the 1970s?

Ricky: Peter Purves.

Steve: Peter Purves, of course.

Ricky: He was a joy.

Steve: Yeah, no, but...

Ricky: So that's just some of...

Steve: That's not coming back though that show?

Ricky: It, it, no, no, no, not, not in that form, they, Channel 4 wanted to see some changes.

Steve: What sort of changes?

Ricky: Ratings.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Now I'm gonna play a lovely track, thanks Steve Merchant.

Steve: Thank you.

Ricky: I'm gonna play a lovely track by Elvis Costello; I think one of his first hits, maybe even be his first hit, back, back in the 70s, erm, this is 'Red Shoes'.

Some Oriental Language

Ricky: Zinger Meets Spry apparently, I've never heard of 'em .

Steve: No.

Ricky: Sounds good, it's spelt Spry though, but Karl reckons it's 'Spray', 'Song 2' a cover of Blur's 'Song 2', you wouldn't recognise it would ya?

Steve: In the dub version.

Ricky: In a- in an old school reggae dub styley...

Steve: Nice, big 'em up.

Ricky: Yeah, all that, we know all that.

Steve: All the wording...

Ricky: Yeah, we, we know all that.

Steve coughs.

Ricky: So yeah that was, that was quite interesting, I quite like that.

Steve: Yeah, not bad, filled up three minutes.

Ricky: Before that Elvis Costello – 'Red Shoes'.

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: What a great song.

Steve: Debut was it, debut single?

Ricky: I think so, I might, it was the first one I remember of his, but you know...

Steve: We'll probably give Elvis a call won't we, chat to him about it...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: ...he's a pal now.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, the old celebrity...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...lifestyle.

Steve: Are you, what, cos you told me something else about your celebrity world, that I thought might be of interest to the listeners, I don't know if you're happy to mention it.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Your forthcoming TV appearance.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: That might be interesting.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: What is it?

Ricky: I was invited, I don't usually do these things, but I sort of quite like the show, I've watched it for a while, it's Room 101.

Steve: Have you seen this Karl, do you know that show?

Karl: No.

Ricky: You don't like it?

Karl: No, bit, bit, is it still Nick Hancock as well?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Who is it?

Ricky: Paul Merton.

Karl: God, is he still around? I haven't seen him for ages.

Ricky: He's probably gonna be a great pal of mine come Tuesday.

Karl: No, I mean, that, that doesn't make any difference.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Have you, have you got all the channels tuned in right on your TV?

Ricky cackles.

Steve: Paul Merton's a huge star, he's on all the time.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is he heck.

Steve: Yeah, he's on 'Have I Got News For You?', all the rest of it.

Karl: What's the rest of it?

Steve: Well, anyway look, Room 101 is the show...

Ricky: Room 101.

Steve: ...is the show where you put in the things you hate; into this imaginary room.

Ricky: And I thought I'd do it cos it's a laugh and you know they let you speak, and it seems like a bit of fun.

Steve: What are you gonna put in there?

Ricky: Oh well I don't, well I'll ruin it won't I for all the listeners.

Steve: Oh right yeah! Switch off now if you don't want to hear what Ricky Gervais is gonna put in Room 101.

Ricky: I don't know, just things that irritate me, like I don't know, erm, I'm putting in noisy people, people who make unnecessary noise, for one thing.

Steve: Right...

Ricky: Right...

Steve: Can I just stop you there for one second?

Ricky: I know what you're gonna say.

Steve: No, no, no, no, I was just thinking, all I was thinking is, is there a little case there of the pot calling the kettle black, cos you are the most annoying man ever, in the history of all things; and I've met a lot of people in life who I like to think... even everyone...

Ricky: Everyone!

Steve: I mean, someone I went to school with, who was possibly, an evil man, he would throw things at people, when, just the teachers, just throw stuff at them in the lesson, throw things at the back of the head, even he was not as irritating as you are.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Just, just the fact that you are just crunching up a plastic spoon now as we talk...

Ricky: Whoa, what good is that...

Steve: It's annoying.

Ricky: Yeah, I know, but, oh...

Steve: It's just, you're so irritating, you're always making the little noises (he does his impression of Ricky's noises, you know the ones), just little sounds, all the time, we were, we were working yesterday, we were working yesterday right, and I was typing all this, and he had an elastic band between his teeth, right, I don't know how he got, you now how he just seems to end up with an elastic band between his teeth, right, and he was flicking it, so it was making a noise, boing-de-boing, boing, boing, what was it, he was just going “the rain on Spain, falls mainly on the plain...the rain on Spain...”

Ricky: “The rain in Spain, stays mainly on the plain do-do-do-do...”

Steve: He just kept doing that repetitively, he was flicking the thing, I eventually went, 'what you doing, what you up to?' he went 'oh sorry', tried to rap the elastic band around his face, right, it flipped up hit him in the nose, right, he screamed, cos that hurt obviously, he said to me, he said 'if I can flick this elastic band and hit your glasses...

Ricky screeches.

Steve: Right, not, not your face, but if I can hit your glasses, can I flick the elastic band at you?' I went 'well, how am I gonna find out if you can hit, you might hit my face', he went 'well why don't you cover up the skin on your face, your nose and everything with some paper...'

Ricky: Which he did!

Steve: Yeah, just to keep you happy...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And then he flicked it at me, so I grabbed it and flicked it at him, he run off screaming, swearing at me, 'oh don't throw it at me'.

Ricky: I was saying don't be so childish, retaliation is childish, I did it first so...

Steve: It's pathetic, endlessly, just this kind of tripe.

Ricky: No, but you know, you agree with me on people who just like, I can't stand noisy eaters, people who go (he pretends to chomp food).

Steve: No, no, I do agree there.

Ricky: And people eating crisps, like I said before people eating crisps in cinemas...

Steve: Well, anyone who's making noise in cinemas, it's an absolute crime.

Ricky: They must be mental! They've gone to see a film, there's people they don't know there, everyone's paid 8 quid...

Steve: And they're crunching away.

Ricky: Or leaving their phones on!

Steve: I was in a cinema, there was a 16 year old girl, took a phone call in the cinema, the film was running, she said and went 'hi, yeah I'm in the cinema' started having a conversation on the phone, I was thinking, how important is this call you've got to receive? Oh it's Tokyo ringing, Mr Yakamoto's there, the deal's going through, it's Saturday afternoon, you should be up the hairdressers, I just was so, I was in the cinema...

Ricky: By the way, Mr Yakamoto's coming round tonight, and we can't use my pad, so you've gotta make him a meal, don't you and your wife muck things up for me...

Steve: But I was in the cinema, this was not, not long ago, and erm, I went to see that film, it was, I think I was off to see that film 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, or whatever it's called, you know the, the...

Karl: Well they could be on the phone for that, it's subtitles, so it's not gonna ruin it is it?

Steve: Yeah it wasn't her, I was sat next to another woman, she was crunching away, a big fat woman...

Ricky: No, but he's got a, he's got a good point there.

Karl: Lots of people could be on the phone in there, and it wouldn't sort of niggle ya.

Steve: Fine, well at least we've cleared that up.

Ricky: Imagine if that was true.

Karl: Well, because it's like when you go on the tube, and read a paper, there's loads of noise, but you can still concentrate.

Ricky: He's got you!

Karl: Do you know what I mean.

Ricky: That's such a great point, isn't it?

Steve: Yeah, right, because it's so easy to lose yourself in that magical realism world, you know, in the sound effects and music, and the surging exciting noise, and there's a woman clattering on going, “Yeah I'll probably meet you later Sanj, shall we get some Diamond White in, hang round by the park.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Switch off, I do it.

Steve: Yeah, but we know what you're like Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, you can switch off Karl!

Steve: It's like you can turn your ears off... that's the skill you have.

Ricky: It's not the ears, it's the, the behind the ears, it's the process between the ears and the brain, he can switch off, so he can still hear all these things, like a cat.

Steve: But I was in a cinema, there was a woman sat next to me, a big fat woman, she was crunching on some popcorn...

Ricky: She needs to eat regularly if she's fat.

Steve: ...again that's a crime, why they're selling popcorn in cinemas, I don't understand why, why the noisiest food in the cinema? I don't understand why that's come about, really makes me angry, she's sat near me right...

Ricky: Smoothies, we want smoothies without straws.

Steve: Yeah, exactly, the trailer for that film A.I. - Artificial Intelligence, came on, and the tag line was 'David is eleven years old, he weighs sixty pounds, he's four foot six inches tall, he has brown hair, his love is real, but he is not.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: And she just went 'how old was he again?'

Ricky laughs.

Steve: To her boyfriend, just ruining everything, a war film trailer comes on, Pearl Harbor or something, she goes “Nah, don't fancy that' just announcing this, “don't fancy that, too many war films', so then the trailer, then the opening credit comes on for Crouching Tiger, before that, you know that thing that comes up that says it's signed by the BBFC and it has the kind of certificate and everything, and that certificate to say what age you have to be to see it, that came up, and it said 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' in brackets 'subtitled', she went 'it's not subtitled is it?' I thought this was the most famous foreign film for years, it won Oscars, it was a huge film, everyone knew it was foreign, she goes and it went, the credit begins, it says Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, she went 'stupid name for a film'...

Ricky: What she just wandered in there?

Steve: She just paid to see it! She was with her boyfriend, so then it starts right, obviously it's in Japanese or Mandarin or something, she's like...they're doing, all talking Japanese...

Ricky: Japanese or Mandarin...

Steve: Well, whatever it is, they're speaking in this Japanese language, oriental language, and she's going “don't they sound stupid, hong ching chang chong chong, don't they sound stupid...” and she's going, and the subtitles come up and it's quite a weird, sort of strange language they talk in, and she's going “can't make the subtitles either, both gobbledygook.” Just wittering on every step of the film!

Ricky: I totally agree with you, I totally agree with you, but what I like, in your telling of it, I know you was getting quite emotional...

Steve: I am genuinely livid.

Ricky: But it's you went, Mandarin or Japanese, some oriental language...

Steve: Well I don't know...

Ricky: “It's a strange language...” “It's a strange language...”

Steve: Well anyway...

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: Then I moved, I climbed over several seats, made a big huff, you know, made a big show of moving, sat next to a guy on the phone, just chatting on the phone.

Ricky: Oh, I'd have gone mental at that.

Steve: I was livid, I was...now I hate that film, I didn't enjoy it, I don't like seeing it, I don't want to even think of it.

Ricky: Subtitles innit?

Steve: Well...

Ricky: Rubbish.

Karl: That's why I get videos.

Ricky giggles.

Steve: Yep, yeah I should have thought that through, you're absolutely right.

Karl: Lampchop?

Steve: Yeah, let's play Lambchop, this is brilliant, this is from this CD that came out recently with Uncut magazine, occasionally they put out some quite interesting free CDs and this was one that had various covers of Rolling Stones songs, and a lot of 'em are quite, quite shoddy, but this was a brilliant, specially done, I think for the CD, it's Lambchop doing a version of quite an obscure Rolling Stones song, called 'Backstreet Girl', it's just beautiful, let's hear it.

We Can't Possibly Go On Without Steve

Ricky: Dandy Warhols, 'Get Off', getting a little bit blasé now, Steve's just wandered off to make the tea...

Karl: He's talking to Dermot.

Ricky: Can he... he's not really is he?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Is he just down there; can he hear this?

Karl: Nah.

Ricky: That is, that is a bit shoddy isn't it?

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: I'm going to see Pop Idol tonight.

Karl: Are ya?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, who do you think'll win, Will or Gareth?

Karl: I don't care.

Ricky: Don't you really?

Karl: No, it was in...

Ricky: Was I boring you? Sorry.

Karl: ...no, it was in Leicester Square, right, the little lad.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: In a big coach with his head on the side, I mean, how long's he been around?

Ricky: Been in accident?

Karl: No, but, you know like those ones that footballers have?

Ricky: Big heads.

Karl: No, them coac- them really big coaches, I mean he's only a small lad...

Ricky: Big coach, what like...

Karl: I don't know why...

Ricky: ...trainers you mean?

Karl: ...he needs a big coach? Look if you're just gonna be like that, I'm not telling ya.

Ricky: Sorry, go on.

Karl: A big coach, with his head on the side, and he came in...

Ricky: His picture, his picture on the side.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And about 200 kids screaming and going mental for him.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: And I just don't think it's right...

Ricky stifles a laugh.

Karl: No, it's not, I mean, he's been around for what, a couple of weeks and the way everyone keeps going on about his stuttering...

Ricky: What, you think they should really concentrate on worshipping worthy things like S Club 7 and A1 and...

Karl: Look...

Ricky: Who have been around for a year?

Karl: See you pick on me when Steve's not around.

Ricky: Well it's only a joke innit...

Karl: Steve...

Ricky: Here he comes, he can't believe it.

Karl: It's just the way like, they keep going on about the stuttering...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What's going on here?

Ricky: Well you...

Steve: You're doing the show without me?

Ricky: Well you were late. What are we meant to do?

Steve: Play another record!

Ricky: Oh, we can't possibly go on without Steve! Oh we need Sting!

Silence of confusion.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Eh?

Ricky: What?

Steve: See that's the reason you shouldn't do it without me! That meant nothing! I've got good reason not to let you have this cup of tea. But I will anyway...

Ricky: Thanks.

Steve: ...I'm a good bloke.

Ricky: Cheers, thanks. Erm, just saying, Karl thinks all this nonsense about Pop Idol, is a little bit sort of shallow, cos they've not been around long enough to be worshipped by children.

Karl: Just saying there, when you were talking to me there...

Ricky: Unlike Santa Claus, who's been around, well, for, forever.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: He was in Leicester Square, with a big coach of his own.

Steve: Who was?

Karl: Gareth, he's only a small lad, he had the biggest coach I've ever seen.

Steve: A coach?

Karl: One of those like, National Express coaches.

Steve: He'd probably just come down from wherever it is he lives.

Karl: No, no, no, with his head on the side.

Steve: What?

Ricky: We went through this.

Karl: His own, his own coach, not, not like a...

Steve: You mean a tour bus?

Karl: Yeah, but with his head on the side.

Steve: With his face on the...

Karl: His own coach.

Ricky and Steve giggle.

Steve: Was he driving it?

Ricky: Was he really nasty going 'we can't have a toilet break yet, you had your chance, sit down'.

Karl: It's just...

Steve: 'Wait 'til we get to the service...'

Ricky: 'I'm finishing this fag and then we're moving on'.

Karl: How come...

Steve: 'If you're not back from the toilets I'm gone.'

Ricky: Yeah, 'there's a lovely restaurant here', erm, 'alright Jeff' what you know the people? 'Well yeah, he's not my brother-in-law or anything.'er, yeah.

Steve: It wouldn't have been, it wouldn't have been quite as snappy as that, if he'd been saying all that.

Ricky: No, no, no...

Karl: Well that's it, everyone keeps talking about the stuttering, but they never go on about his asthma, and he's got really bad asthma.

Ricky: They don't.

Steve: You're right, we should attack the asthma more as well.

Ricky: Do you think he's held that back for the final? Do you think he's bringing out the big guns for the final? 'Oh by the way I've got a-a-asthma

Steve: Did you, did he...

Karl: It's the way he does that (Karl gasps)

Ricky: Well he's trying to, that's his therapy...

Steve: That's not asthma Karl, that's him trying to breathe in order to help him speak!

Ricky: That's the therapy...

Steve: Have you guessed about the asthma?

Karl: I thought you read this or something!! You thought his asthma was because he goes (Ricky gasps), that's him, he has to do that to get over the...

Steve: Stuttering.

Ricky: ...that's a therapist...

Steve hoots with laughter.

Karl: He hasn't got bad asthma then.

Steve: What if you ever had kids.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Maybe he has got asthma...

Steve: 'When you cross a road, don't bother looking both ways, just walk straight across...'

Ricky: Yeah, I love that, imagine a doctor saying that 'is that asthma?' 'no he does that on...' 'oh does he? Oh it's not asthma then, err, okay well I'm stumped...'

Steve: 'We better operate...'

Ricky: 'Well don't operate, no he just, he just fell over...'

Steve: 'No, I heard him breathing heavily, probably got something lodged.'

Ricky: I've got a, I've got a story about breathing heavily after this next record.

Steve: Jolly good.

People Can Idolize Me In Their Own Small Way

Ricky: Pharoahe Monch, 'Got You', although Steve thinks it's Pharoahe 'Monk'.

Steve: It makes more sense, don't you think? Monch is a bit of a rubbish word, whereas 'Monk' brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah, but it is...

Steve: Let's not discuss it!

Ricky: No, let's not get into a big highfalutin...

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: ...phonetics argument. They can call themselves what they want...

Steve: And good luck to them.

Ricky: Good luck to them.

Steve: Good guys, good guys.

Ricky: Now, I am going to Pop Idol, tonight.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: This is what started it until he said there was a young kid being screamed at by kids cos he had his own coach with his head on the side.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know, we did, he did sort of like...

Steve: I don't know why you're going though Rick, because you know who's gonna win, it's gonna be Gareth...

Ricky: No, not necessarily...

Steve: Yes it is Rick, it is, don't even fool yourself, trying to drum up some excitement.

Ricky: Well, look, wait, you see they've both got about the same vote and erm, and, er, and, er, Darius got a million and a half, now I don't think the Darius vote was sort of like the Gareth floating voters, cos he's, you know, he's a cute kid, and everything...

Steve: D'you wanna make a wager?

Ricky: ...he looks like a Pop Idol, and you know, but he's not a good a musician, and I think maybe when people went for Darius, they were a bit kitsch, but I think they might...

Steve: Do you wanna make a wager?

Ricky: Alright, I bet Gareth'll win.

Steve: Exactly, you see, you may as well stay home Rick, you just wanna go to meet PJ and Duncan.

Ricky: Yeah, they, they, call themselves Ant and Dec nowadays.

Steve: Well, fair enough, but...

Ricky: They're my favourite.

Steve: ...they'll always be PJ and Duncan to me and they're brilliant.

Ricky: They're brilliant. They are brilliant.

Steve: Absolutely brilliant.

Ricky: They're the best presenters...

Steve: It seems to me, there's no-one else, like, on TV, that kind of unites everyone, I don't think there's anyone really...

Ricky: No.

Steve: ...that can honestly say, if there being honest, that they don't like Ant and Dec.

Ricky: No.

Steve: It's like there's no-one else like it.

Ricky: Phone in if you don't like Ant and Dec.

Steve: I'd like to, I'd like to hear your arguments for it, because I'll tell you this, and I'm not saying about this ironically, like 'oh I like a couple of kid's presenters' ironically, I think they're genuinely good.

Ricky: Yeah, they're good, they're funny...

Steve: They're likeable, they're funny.

Ricky: ...and you can see they have a good relationship as well.

Steve: They've got that sort of Morecambe and Wise everyman appeal.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They're brilliant.

Ricky: Well, we, we love Ant and Dec.

Steve: Did you see in the week, there was a Gar- no what's his name, the fella that, Dominic Mohan in The Sun, he's the kind of entertainment guy and he had sort of ten – 'Ten Questions that should be answered about Pop Idol!' cos he thinks you know, er, everyone's got a vested interest in Gareth winning, der, der, der, and various questions, one of which was “why is it what, Gareth only seems to stutter when he's being interviewed live?”

Ricky: Cos he's nervous innit?

Steve: Yep...we've answered that one for you Dominic, he was trying, you realise he's written a list and he didn't really have enough to fill up ten.

Ricky: Although you, you were nasty about his stutter, you said it annoys ya.

Steve: No, I'm not arguing... the stutter annoys me, his query was, he thought he was affecting the stutter, in order to win...

Ricky: How can you be annoyed at someone stuttering though?

Steve: It really annoys me, cos it's just, it's just embarrassing. It's cringeworthy, the thing is I know people say, oh it shouldn't, it shouldn't be an issue, right, we're talking about a 'pop idol', now no-one, everyone accepts the fact that he's gotta be a good looking guy to be a pop idol, we all accept that, and I'm saying I also want him to be able to speak properly to be my pop idol, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having a stutter...

Ricky: But that's true...

Steve: But I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being ugly.

Ricky: That is true, that is true, there is a body fascism, but, but...

Steve: There should also be a vocal fascism.

Ricky: Yeah, but there's not a trauma if you don't look like a pop star, there is a trauma in society, if you can't speak normally, so it's a much bigger issue...

Steve: What do you mean a trauma, his trauma?

Ricky: Yeah, of course, of course it is...

Steve: But it's not, I'm not arguing about what we see- no a lot of people, a lot of people get abuse if they're ugly, I mean I'm guessing...

Ricky howls.

Steve: ...I'm assuming that's the case...

Ricky: Well I, well I can't speak very well...

Steve: Well, I don't know if that's the case...

Ricky: We'd make one great pop star between us...

Steve: I like to think so...

Ricky: My looks and your talkie...

They giggle.

Ricky: Although you sound like some sort of weird wurzel...

Steve: I'm not trying to be a pop idol!

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Alright.

Steve: People can idolize me in their own small way, as a great radio presenter.

Ricky: Oh dear, oh god, look at us three, imagine if we tried to be like BBMak or Light Funky Ones I'm just thinking of like three good looking guys – Genesis.

Steve: Did I mention about when we were in America, did I mention that last week?

Ricky: The Police – no?

Steve: Did I mention this to you Karl?

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: I'm sure I mentioned it last week, I was in America at a wedding, we went to a wedding with some friends, I was walking through America, there were five of us walking down a street in New York and, er, a car pulls up and some Chinese tourists, lean out and they went to us 'excuse me, are you N*Sync?' and we said “Yes we are!” and they were taking our photo and stuff.

Ricky: Just think of Steve at the back, sort of like, two foot taller than the others...

Steve: Which one of N*Sync is two foot taller than all the rest?

Karl: Don't Chinese people like tall people or something..

Ricky: Right. Play a record.

Karl: No, no, seriously.

Ricky: No, cos it's, it, it's...

Steve: I don't think you know what you're talking about here Karl, we're likely to get in dangerous territory.

Ricky: Yeah, “don't Chinese people like tall people?”

Karl: There's something... I'm sure, I'm sure. Do you know how like...

Ricky: Phone in if you're Chinese and you like tall people...

Steve: Karl, what , what worries me, is that when they did Chinese lessons, you were down the beach in Wales.

Ricky: In, in, in Ruth Madoc.

Steve: Yeah...

Karl: Porthmadog!

Ricky: Paul Madoc?

Karl: Oh... d'you wanna play Lou Reed?

Ricky: Oh, this is Song For The Lovers, this is a beautiful track, it's Satellite of Love, it's a classic, it's gorgeous, it's Lou Reed.

Steve: Rick, can I dedicate this to someone...

Ricky: Go on then.

Karl abruptly stops the track.

Steve: ...Karl, you shouldn't have, you shouldn't have pressed the button.

Ricky: Well that's his, he's doing his job, you shouldn't have said 'can I dedicate this to someone.'

Steve: We've had a letter...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sophie wants to dedicate a song to her boyfriend Peter, they're firm fans of the show, let's pay Satellite of Love for them, by Lou Reed, beautiful song...

Ricky: Beautiful, Song For The Lovers.

Steve: Don't ruin it this time Karl.

How To Ruin A Song By Ricky Gervais

The boys open the link with some giggling and strange noises.

Ricky: Awoo.

Steve: Ah brilliant, 'How to ruin a song' by Ricky Gervais, d'you wanna explain what you were doing?

Ricky: I was just, erm, singing along... to the backing vocals.

Steve: Hmm, not just singing along...

Ricky: Doing it like a mental.

Steve: Just, just give us a blast.

Ricky: I haven't got my earphones on, I've gotta do it in time, haven't I now, cos the... was it, is it finished?

Karl: It's finished now.

Steve: It's finished.

Ricky: I was just going when Bowie, when Bowie goes “Satellite..” I was going “AWOOOOOOOO”, like that.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, in Room 101 you were gonna put irritating people.

Ricky: I know, but it's something nice about making a noise...

Steve: Are you gonna climb down that little thing and climb in yourself?

Ricky: Sort of...yeah. Yeah maybe.

Steve: You know they have sort of a visual representation of the thing that irritates them, they always have that, like Shakespeare it'd be a bust of Shakespeare's head, just a picture of you... ideally.

Ricky: Yeah, oh dear. Awoo, Bowie in the background, Satellite of Love, Song For The Lovers! I've...

Ricky: Ruined!

Ricky: I should have, I should have done that on air!

Steve: I love the idea of you, when that came out, sort of 17, got a girl back to your own place, you know, just, just making out with her, just that record's on in the background, you're just going “AWOOOO.”

Ricky goes mental with laughter.

Steve: ”I'm gonna have to shoot off now Rick.” “Awoooo. Just leave me to it, I'll enjoy myself. Awooo. I'll finish myself off, awooooo!”

Ricky: I'll finish...! Oh dear. You can't do that.

Steve: We've cheapened that song, you've ruined that song forever for me now...

Ricky: No, I haven't.

Steve: But it's – see the thing about Lou Reed is, cos 'Perfect Day', just a genius song, but we can never play it now can we, cos of that BBC-

Ricky: No, cos I tell you what, whatshername coming in at the end, erm, M People (Ricky imitates Heather Small.) and that, oh, that thing she does with her voice...

Steve: It's utterly ruins that song, there's a couple of songs, that kind of, like I always remember...

Ricky: And who's that one who goes, (in operatic voice) “It's such a perfect day?”...

Steve: Yeah some sort of...

Ricky: ...who's that.

Steve: ...opera ponce.

Ricky: Yeah...yeah.

Steve: But that's a song, any other songs ruined because of their association with things?

They brainstorm quietly.

Steve: That song 'First Time' which was on the Coke ad (singing) “First time, first love”, ruined now cos that was on a Coke advert.

Ricky: Was that, wasn't that Four Non Blondes

Karl: That was Jeff...

Ricky: Oh, Jeff.

Steve: It was Robin Givens, wasn't it?

Ricky: Robin Givens, yeah, what was the, didn't Four Non Blondes do summat, like that?

Karl: No, not as...

Ricky: I just keep seeing Four Non Blondes in the playlist.

Steve: I think Four Non Blondes just ruined their own career, by writing songs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's becoming a feature.

Ricky: Yeah, we should play a Four Non Blondes one week.

Steve: Er, Rick, I was gonna say something to you, before we got sidetracked...

Ricky: Awoo...

Steve: What were we talking about Karl? Oh we were talking about...

Ricky: We nearly lost it then, but I think we pulled back.

Steve: No, it's okay, we had a fascinating fact, that we were gonna surprise Karl with.

Ricky: Oh yeah, if everyone in China, Karl...

Steve: This is true, Karl, Karl! Wake up and listen.

Ricky: Listen. If everyone in China...jumped...it wouldn't, it wouldn't be hard to co-ordinate, they did 'Hands Across America, they did 'Up - Up Yours Delors!', right, we can co-ordinate this, we can get The Sun involved or somebody right, everyone, a billion, 1.2 billion or something, jumped up and down at the same time...

Steve: Shut up, you're not explaining this clearly.

Ricky: It would cause a tidal wave that would destroy America.

Steve: If every person in China, jumped up at the same time, that would cause a tidal wave that would destroy America, apparently, according to physics.

Ricky: According to physics!

Karl: I don't believe it.

Steve: It is, no, seriously, it's true, it is a fact, we're not making this up, we both know this as a fact.

Ricky: We're not making up, we've heard it, but, obviously, I don't know what that's based on, someone going 'just had a terrible thought Mr President' 'what is it?' 'You know the atomic bomb and all that?' 'yeah' 'forget it! Forget it, if everyone in China jumped up and down, they'd wipe us out', 'right', you know what I mean.

Steve: See there should be some Chinese leader just threatening them with that...

Ricky: Just showing them a picture of everyone just poised!

Steve: Just pictures of China people, just crouching...

Ricky: On pogo sticks!

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Just a billion Chinese people...

Steve: Or just, just, all stood on The Great Wall of China, about to jump off.

Ricky howls.

Steve: That'd be brilliant.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: See, look at Karl, he's dumbfounded, he's scared.

Ricky: He's scared now, ain't ya? Yeah.

Karl: There's more chickens in the world than people.

Giggling.

Ricky: Play a record.

Steve: Well, that's brilliant, if you can substantiate that, please get in touch.

Cows Drinking Coke

Ricky: What an amazing track.

Steve: Incredible.

Ricky: The Who.

Steve: No-one else is playing that on a Sat – a Saturday afternoon, Rick.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Are they?

Ricky: No, I wouldn't have thought so.

Steve: I mean that in a good way, I mean that like we're breaking new territory, playing songs...

Ricky: The intro...

Steve: ...from the early 70s.

Ricky: ...the intro it's got one of the best...oh no... I think Dr. Fox or Simon Bates said that about a track once.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: (In DJ voice) “This has got to be the best intro of a rock song ever!” and the fact that I was saying it about The Who and he was saying it about 'Money For Nothing', is irrelevant.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: Someone made me sit in their car once, with their new car stereo system, so that they could play me the beginning of 'Money For Nothing'.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Just sat there, I was like 'yeah'!

Ricky: Have we got that? You've probably got that in the library haven't ya?

Karl: Yeah. Is it right that Roger Daltry, in The Who...

Ricky: Yeah, that's right.

Karl: His kid is in Eastenders, that one who plays Robbie, something me mam told me, I don't know if she's got it right, or wrong.

Ricky: What Robbie...

Karl: I mean it does look like him.

Steve: No that's Dean Gaffney.

Ricky: What, Dean Gaffney?

Karl: Yeah. But he didn't wanna go off his dad's name and that, so...he's changed...

Steve: So he used his brilliant talent.

Ricky wheezes a laugh.

Steve: And his poxed face.

Karl: Do you know if that's right?

Steve: ...mug.

Ricky: I don't know.

Karl: It looks like him, don't it?

Ricky: Well, I'm sure that's libellous if it's wrong.

Steve: Oh right, yeah, you'd be ashamed to have Roger Daltry as your dad.

Ricky: Well, no, but Roger Daltry might not want it getting round that he gave birth to speccy.

Steve: You're right actually.

Karl: I see what you mean.

Steve: Speccy? Spotty.

Karl: Spotty. Sorry, I looked at you.

Steve: Alright, calm down!

Ricky: You don't, you've got nice clear skin! At least I didn't call you spotty goggle-eyed freakboy, you've got nice skin, a nice complexion. Smooth-faced goggle-eyed freakboy fish.

Steve: Thank you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Let's be nice.

Ricky: Karl, what, don't you like us arguing, is it like mum and dad arguing? Do you get all...

Karl: It is a bit like that.

Steve: In the caravan...

Ricky laughs.

Steve: There was nowhere to escape to.

Ricky: Oh no, rattling round...

Steve: Did you make any friends, when you were down on the caravan site?

Karl: Yeah, lot of people from Birmingham were there.

Steve: What kind of pals did you have, what were there names?

Karl: There, I can't remember, it was years ago, but they all had rich parents.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Like, they had like, their own car to drive round the campsite on and all that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So I used to...

Ricky: Their own fence.

Karl: ...sort of have a go.

Steve: But they were mates and you say them every year did you, or every three weeks you went down there?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Ah.

Steve: You didn't keep in touch with any of them.

Karl: No.

Ricky: I've got to admit now, I went to the same place in a caravan six year running, I went to a place called Riverside in Bognor, cos someone round the corner from us had a caravan, a two berth caravan, it was me, my mum and my nan.

Karl: I think I'm really lucky, to have had it really, cos a lot of mates who I had, didn't have enough money to go on holiday and they'd just get a present for the summer holiday.

Ricky: I would like, I would just like...

Steve: Of course they got an education, so it's swings and roundabouts.

Ricky: Yeah but Karl, the thing is with Karl is, right, I wanna give him gifts.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I want him to be, to have the loveliest Christmas ever, I want him to go pony trekking, d'you know what I mean, I want to just...

Karl: I'm scared of horses.

Ricky giggles.

Steve: So many things we don't know about Karl.

Karl: I fell off one at a fete, and the woman didn't know what to do, she couldn't handle the horse, it was running off, I was hanging underneath, getting a kick in the head.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Now, hang on, what age were you, this could explain a lot.

Karl: I was about six.

Steve: That makes a lot of sense. I think we got to the bottom of it here.

Ricky: Oh no, got kicked in the head by a horse, lived in a caravan and had to live in Wales half the time.

Ricky and Steve both 'ahh'.

Ricky: No wonder this is your favourite time of the week. Do you look forward to this all week? These two hours.

Karl: Err, it's alright. It's not bad.

Steve: What would make you truly happy Karl? Do you mind me just asking that, what would make you truly happy in life?

Karl: I was thinking about in the week and I don't know.

Steve: You don't know? There's nothing that you particularly want, that you feel like once I've got that, that...

Karl: The easy answer there is money innit, but I...

Ricky: No, it's not true.

Karl: I don't know if it's true.

Ricky: No. You just need enough money.

Steve: Do you feel spiritually satisfied?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I'd say.

Steve: Karl, have you embraced the good word of the lord?

Karl: What do you mean?

Ricky: Well...

Steve: Jesus Christ our lord and Saviour.

Ricky: ...we're having a meeting tomorrow. It's in a church hall and we'd like you to come along.

Karl: I went to a church once...

Steve: Rick, I gotta tell you this, I was with, I've got this housemate, who I don't know that well, and I'd been living with him for about two months or something, right, and he was in the kitchen and he was washing up and I just turned to him right, and he doesn't know me that well, cos you know, we sort of talk to each other, but we don't know, I just turned to him and I went “Matt, have you got to know the good word of the Lord?” and he went, and he looked at me, with utter fear in his face and I just went “I just think we should sit down a bit, and you know, just talk about, you know, the word of the gospels and Jesus...” and he just looked at me and he was utterly petrified, I just started laughing, cracking up, and the sigh of relief, he was absolutely petrified, it's a brilliant game to play if you're getting a lift on a long car journey, with people you don't know...

Ricky: Maybe a hitcher.

Steve: Just bring that out.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's so terrifying.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I went once...

Ricky: If you're, also another good one is when you pick up a hitcher, and say like I wonder what this car would look like on fire.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Things like that, yeah.

Steve: Sometimes I like to drive the wrong way down the motorway.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, what does a knife feel like when it's going into your eye?

Karl: Ooh.

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Go on, you were...

Karl: Did you see that story in the week, with erm, with a farmer, who got his arm stuck in a bit of machinery, and he was going on about, I mean he came on with a false arm, so you knew something was wrong straight away.

Steve: You knew it wasn't gonna end happily.

Karl: But, erm, but he said I'm a farmer, I've been a farmer for years, and erm, I'm always telling people don't stick your hands in machines he said, but I got off me tractor and me machine had stopped, and he went to shift some, I don't know, if it was a Coke can or something that was in the field and got in the machine.

Steve: Bloody cows drinking Coke.

Ricky: Oh, this is not the famous one about fifteen – and he took his arm to hospital, and he was making jokes, his arm was in ice...

Karl: No, he didn't take his, no, no, no, what it was, it was erm, his hand went in and the machine started again, and it started pulling at, pulling at his skin.

Ricky: Oh.

Karl: Right, so like the skin was coming off his arm, and it was going round the rollers, and he was pulling back like that, so he's like 'oh god' and the skins being like wrapped around, it's like pulling it, so he can see his bone and stuff.

Ricky: Oh no.

Karl: And, erm, he was there for like ages, going 'oh god' and he had a pen knife in his pocket, so he got that out with the other hand, managed to open it, I mean that's, that's...

Ricky: Yeah cos they stick don't they after a while, I've got one, I've got one of those Swiss Army knives...

Karl: Yeah, that's what it was.

Ricky: And I can't do it with two hands sometimes, when they get all full of gunk.

Karl: He managed to do that with one hand and cut away that skin.

Ricky: That's not true is it?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Has he learned to farm again, like the drummer of Def Leppard? Has learned to drum again?

Ricky: Have they got like, just like the handles there...

Steve: Can he farm now with just one arm?

Karl: It was good, cos he was making a joke out of it and that.

Steve: No, that's good.

Karl: I think that's good, but, er...

Ricky: That doesn't mean you can Steve though.

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: He had to cut his own flesh off to escape a combine harvester, he doesn't need you, you know...

Steve: Making wisecracks.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: Sure, sure.

Karl: I just remember getting a hot plate out of the oven, when I was younger and that absolutely killed, it stuck to my fingers, and I just thought the pain that he must have been going through.

Ricky: Must have been – what must have been worse than a hot plate?

Karl: Oh...

Ricky: Must have been worse than maybe dropping a pie?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, I think you're right.

Wrap It Up

Ricky: That's nearly it.

Steve: That is pretty much it.

Ricky: Xfm 104.9, fast approaching 3 o'clock.

Steve: It is indeed. Is that pretty much it Karl? Have we, is this our last link?

Karl: I'd wrap it up.

Steve: Yeah?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, so would I actually. Song For The Ladies time and this is a song you put me onto Rick.

Ricky: It's a beautiful song.

Steve: If you recall 'Special view' a.k.a 'Telescopic Love' from the Only Ones, the B-side of 'Another Girl, Another Planet', their only hit maybe?

Ricky: Well, yeah I think one of them.

Steve: Some great stuff on there...

Ricky: Yeah I know.

Steve: Is this is a band...

Ricky: 'Another Girl, Another Planet' that might be up for the best intro in a rock 'n' roll record of all time, I'll put 'Won't Get Fooled Again' and 'Another Girl, Another Planet', Foxy he's already putting up 'Money For Nothing.'

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So maybe we'll run that competition next week.

Steve: Although 'Walk of Life' is particularly good. (singing) “Here comes Johnny singing oldies, goldies, Be-bop-a-lula baby here I...” oh, genius.

Ricky: Oh nonsense.

Steve: 'Walk of Life', okay so this is 'Special View' from The Only Ones, Song For The Ladies, so that's it, see you next week.

Ricky: Goodbye.