15 December 2001/Transcript

We're The Challenge

Ricky: Strokes, on Xfm, 104.9. Ricky Gervais Show.

Steve: With Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Definitely, definitely.

Steve: Ahoy!

Ricky: And little Karl Pilkington. Over there.

Steve: Little KP, the K-man.

Ricky: Steve,

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Don’t worry anymore.

Steve: Uh, Ok.

Ricky: I’ve procured some great gifts to give away. I was tired,

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Of seeing all these other people gettin’ gifts and that,

Steve: Yup.

Ricky: And who was goin’ to that, uh, O’Dodell, and um, O’Diddley,

Steve: Diddley O’Diddley, yeah.

Ricky: And uh, uh, Anderson and Sturgess – well she’s, at least she steals ‘em herself.

Steve: Well at least she, she steals ‘em herself to sell ‘em, to feed the habit, and that’s

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Fine, I don’t mind that!

Ricky: No!

Steve: ‘Cause it’s industrious.

Ricky: Exactly. But I have got, Feeder, Echo Park, I’ve got The Essential Bob Dylan, now that is a good giveaway,

Steve: That’s a great giveaway.

Ricky: And, Reloaded 3.

Steve: Where’ve you, did – did you buy these yourself?

Ricky: No, little Karl found ‘em.

Steve: Let me, I have to say, Karl, you’ve done an absolute dynamite job here, mate. This is great prizes!

Ricky: And I thought we could play that trivia quiz, where we, we’re the challenge.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They, if they get someone to catch us out, maybe, or summat, the questions, like there,

Steve: You’ve confused me slightly, explain again?

Ricky: Well we could play a little trivia quiz, couldn’t we.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And, then, we could, sell the fish.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: To cut out the middle –

Steve: Use the words that you need –

Ricky: Man,

Steve: To complete the sentence, Rick.

Ricky: And, then, we could do the – play – this –

Steve: W-what’s the quiz?

Ricky: I don’t know.

Steve: You’ve not thought this through!

Ricky: No!

Song: Coldplay - Yellow

I'm Best At Science

Ricky: Coldplay, and Yellow.

Steve: You’ve got to keep talkin’, Rick, we’re on the radio!

Ricky: Have I? I got bored.

Steve: Did you?

Ricky: Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Yeah, with Steve Merchant.

Ricky: What I was sayin’ was,

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: We could have a little trivia quiz, right. This is how it works: they’re phone in, yeah, right, and they’re pitch a question to us two, right. We won’t know it, they’ll tell Karl, and Karl write down the answer, yeah, or, on his email, right, and then it might be summat like um, Ooh, uh, who was the, uh, first woman MP? And, he’ll write down the answer, and he’ll go, Ok, Steve, Ricky, who’s the first woman MP? We’ll write it down, you know, and you’ll write down summat like the Queen,

Steve: Yup.

Ricky: And I’ll write down, Britney Spears,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he’ll go, Well Ricky says Britney Spears, and the answer is – dada, you see?

Steve: Yes. Yesyesyesyes.

Ricky: And then, whoever’s –

Steve: So, do they phone in or do they, can they email as well?

Ricky: They can email as well, Steve!

Steve: Right. Ok. So let me just try and clarify this, ‘cause I didn’t really follow that, and I know what the competition is.

Ricky: Right!

Steve: Um, people listening, phone in or email in with a question, a trivia question, it could be about anything. Right?

Ricky: I don’t do game shows.

Steve: But, but one which we may be able to get, right. They phone in with that, or they email it it, but only Karl knows the answer, he asks us here in the qu, the studio, the question, Ricky and I write it down independently, we hand it to Karl, we’ll see who’s got the right answer.

Ricky: It’s like 15 to 1, but 2 to, 1.

Steve: And the great thing is, that the best question, that we’ll vote on at the very end of the show, can win these 3 CDs. We’ve got Feeder, Echo Park, The Essential Bob Dylan – that’s a 2 CD set, Rick.

Ricky: Maybe keep the questions highbrow, to show our intellect. Not things like pop and trivia and telly and

Steve: Good idea. And we’ve also got this big compilation Reloaded 3, that’s also a 2 CD compilation.

Ricky: Well start phoning and emailing now!

Steve: Phoning, emailing your trivia

Ricky: Go mental. Go bezerk. Absolutely go bezerk.

Steve: Questions, For Gervais, and Merchant.

Ricky: I’m best at science.

Steve: Well don’t start giving things,

Ricky: Well don’t say that!

Steve: That’s not fair ‘cause I’ll say I’m best at films! If they want me to win.

Ricky: Yeah, but I’ve already said don’t do trivia and entertainment and that.

Steve: Well they should do,

Ricky: Don’t! No!

Steve: They should do trivia and entertainment, music and films is what they should do.

Ricky: No, the shouldn’t.

Steve: Or old TV.

Ricky: That’s stupid, that’s the cliché of Xfm listeners, and I know they’re more intelligent than that.

Steve: They’re not. They’re not, Rick.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: They’re stupid people! They’re stupid, stupid people! And they only know about a few things!

Song: Garbage – Cherry Lips

A Listener Called Clive!

Ricky: Garbage, Cherry Lips, on Xfm 104.9. Well, either they really want those CDs, or they want to embarrass us.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: ‘Cause the phone lines are going mad. And Karl is taking,

Steve: They are going mad, and we didn’t even give out the phone number or the email, Rick! Shall I just give it out now?

Ricky: Well, obviously don’t need to!

Steve: Well, I ought to anyway, for those that didn’t hear, didn’t know it already.

Ricky: ‘Of it.

Steve: 08700, 08700 800 1234. Sorry, that’s not 08700, 08700, ‘cause I, ‘cause I started again ‘cause I got, I sort of fluffed slightly.

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Steve: 08700 800 1234.

Ricky: And when he says he fluffed slightly, that - that’s not how he got into television.

Steve: Exactly. [email protected] if you want to email the question, and only Karl can see the screen, so there’s no, cheating.

Ricky: Probably people don’t know what fluffing is, do they.

Steve: No, I don’t think so, Rick. Uh, Karl, have you had a question?

Karl: What, already, are we doing it now?

Ricky: Go on,

Steve: I – I think we should just drip ‘em in, throughout the course of the show –

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, you drippin’ ‘em in.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Go on. Ask us a question.

Karl: All right. I thought this was good one. It’s from Clive.

Ricky: Go on then.

Steve: Clive! We’ve got a listener called Clive! Wow!

Ricky: That’s all right.

Karl: Who, was the first James Bond.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Aw, it’s a film one! He’ll know that!

Steve: No, but wait a minute, wait a minute,

Ricky: No, I know this ambiguity – ‘cause we’ve talked about it,

Steve: We’ve talked about this ambiguity before, you see. He could be – he might be deliberately embarrassing us, because the old myth is that someone played it on radio, that we all know and love.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now, he should’ve specified, did he mean the film James Bond? The first film James Bond?

Ricky: Well I think the thing is, can I just say, we, we won’t count this one, ‘cause the definitive one, I talked to Glyn about this as well, it, it, it’s Dr. No, it’s the first one of the team that we

Steve: Sean Connery. So, Sean Connery is the first screen James Bond,

Ricky: So, we, we agree on that, even if we’re both wrong. What does he say it is. I’ll bet he said, I’ll bet he said, it was Bob Holness, who played him on radio, in like the 1950s.

Karl: He didn’t say the radio bit, but he said Bob Holness.

Ricky: Hm. From Blockbusters!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I was drawing, a little Blockbuster thing!

Steve: That’s really spooky.

Ricky: That is, that’s weird, innit.

Steve: But the thing about that is, I – I’m worried if it might be a myth. It may be a myth.

Ricky: Well, no, I don’t think it is, it’s that we can’t have that –

Steve: One point to me then!

Ricky: Noo.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: No, definitely not.

Steve: Well you didn’t know it – did you know it. Did you honest-

Ricky: Yeah, we talked about it!

Steve: No, rubbish! Yeah, but who – well if we talked about it, did I say it to you.

Ricky: No, we agreed that it was Sean Connery, because, just like we didn’t count Casino Royale ‘cause you said it wasn’t by the same team and

Steve: Yeah, but that wouldn’t have been the first James Bond anyway, ‘cause that came later in the series! No, Rick! Nonononono –

Ricky: There’s no way. There’s no way.

Steve: No, don’t play the music,

Ricky: No way.

Steve: That’s clearly a point! You didn’t know it was Bob Holness. He meant it was Bob Holness, I knew the answer! One-nill.

Song: Fun Lovin’ Criminals – Scooby Snacks

Scribbled It Down

Ricky: Well, Fun Lovin’ Criminals, Scooby Snacks. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. ‘Cause we, we both agreed once in a pub that the right answer is Sean Connery!

Steve: Yeah, but wait a minute, wait a minute, Rick,

Ricky: And we both knew that.

Steve: The point’s not that. The man phoned in with a question, and the answer the man was after, was Bob Holness.

Ricky: Oh! Ok!

Steve: And that’s the answer I gave!

Ricky: I’ll tell you what, the answer I was after, was me.

Steve: But that’s nonsense, Rick! He’s the question master! The man who phoned in! That’s ludicrous! You, you, face the facts!

Ricky: You can’t say, you can’t say, what number am I thinking of,

Steve: That’s – What are you talkin’ about?!

Ricky: It’s got to be the real answer,

Steve: No, but I knew the answer he was after!

Ricky: So brilliant!

Steve: Yes! Because that’s, you know, even if he’s, got it wrong, it’s such common parlance now, that, Bob Holness was the first James Bond, that I knew the answer! Face the facts!

Ricky: Right. Give us another question, Karl.

Steve: Jeez!

Ricky: Give us another question.

Steve: Gaw, he’s a bad loser, isn’t he?

Ricky Laughs

Karl: I had a good one here, but,

Steve: You’ve forgotten it?

Ricky: Or,

Karl: I sort of scribbled it down. Um,

Ricky: This is brilliant, innit.

Karl: ‘ang on a minute,

Ricky: We can edit this out, can’t we? It’s not live, is this?

Steve: It’s only a pilot.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: This is gonna look great when it, when it comes out. Go on.

Karl: Which food,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Um,

Steve: Karl, you now making up the question.

Karl: No-no, it’s just that I sort of took down the important bits –

Ricky: Br—this is amazing. This is amazing radio. Go on!

Karl: Which food, kind of doesn’t make you fat.

Ricky: Jesus.

Steve Laughs

Steve: What?! Kind of question is that?!

Ricky: Aw, this is rid-

Karl: No, it is proper.

Ricky: I love, I love, imagine this, on The Weakest Link.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: What kind of food, doesn’t sort of make you, I mean, it doesn’t make you fat ..

Karl: Um,

Steve: This is ludicrous!

Ricky: Ok, do you want me to –

Karl: Basically, no, sort of calories in it.

Ricky: Um, celery.

Steve: Water.

Ricky: Well, I mean, what do you mean. Do you mean a – a – a vegetable, do you mean –

Karl: No, you’re right, you’re right. Apparently, ya use more eating it –

Ricky: Yeah, you use more calories to bite it than to –

Steve: Yeah, but wait a minute, wait a minute, Rick,

Ricky: 1 – 1 all.

Steve: No, it’s not one all,

Ricky: Of course it is!

Steve: Because you’re supposed to write it down!

Ricky: You didn’t know!

Steve: But you didn’t – I – what do you mean I didn’t know?! You’re supposed to write it down, that’s the whole point, we’re writing things down!

Ricky: YOU SAID WATER! YOU SAID WATER!

Steve: BUT THAT’S BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WEREN’T TAKIN’ THE QUESTION SERIOUSLY, ‘CAUSE HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKIN’ ABOUT!

Ricky: 1 all!

Steve: We’ve got to set the rules, this is ludicrous!

Song: Beta Band - Squares

Dennis The Stone

Ricky: Bit too much like Portishead, for my liking.

Steve: Was it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I quite enjoyed it.

Ricky: Beta Band. Well, that’s ‘cause Portishead are from your neck of the woods, innit. Is it?

Steve Laughs

Steve: No, fair criticism, Rick.

Ricky: Well, Portishead – yeah, yeah.

Steve: I’ve embarrassed myself!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Right – w- another question, quick. Is this, is this one, is this question, a real question with a definitive answer, or is it like What is my most comfortable chair?

Steve Laughs

Steve: I don’t know why people aren’t going to like, maybe Trivial Pursuit or some’ing, just getting a question off that, and then –

Ricky: ‘Cause they’re, they’re a little bit more discernin’ than that, Steve!

Steve: Rick, have you heard the questions?! They don’t know what they’re talkin’ about!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: This is stuff they’ve overheard in pubs!

Ricky: Go on! Ask it – ask it, Karl. I love (mumbles) Karl takes it down and goes, What’s that?

Steve Laughs

Steve: I know!

Ricky: What am I meant to write? Go on then, ask this one.

Karl: Right. Um, whi- what sort, no.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: The pope,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Um, what semi-

Ricky: Sorry Anne – Mrs. Robinson, we’re gonna have to let you go.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: You are the weakest link, Karl. Goodbye.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: The pope,

Ricky: Yeah. The pope, yeah, we’ve got The Pope, yeah, that’s not strictly a question.

Karl: He wears a, uh,

Ricky: Oh Christ. He wears a dustman’s hat, he wears gorblimy trousers.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Does he live in a council flat?

Ricky: Yeah, he lives in a council flat,

Karl: He wears a semi-precious stone. What’s the stone.

Steve: The pope wears a semi-precious stone, what is the stone.

Ricky: You mean, you mean, what is it called?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What is it called.

Steve: What, has it got like a kind of um, papal name.

Karl: Well I think, I think it’s like, you know, is it – an 18 carat one.

Ricky: Is it –

Steve Laughs

Steve: So we’ve got to try and get the carat,

Ricky: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Of the pope’s big diamond.

Ricky: He calls it Dennis, he calls it Dennis the Stone.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Do they want the, do they want the type of gem it is, diamond, jade,

Steve: Or is there some kind of papal name for it?

Ricky: Ruby, or, do they want it like the Rosetta Stone.

Karl: I don’t know.

Ricky: Or, the – oh.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: I can’t - play a record. Play two records.

Steve laughs

Song: Basement Jaxx – Where’s Your Head At

Ross Exposes Himself

Ricky: Where’s Your Head At, Basement Jaxx.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Right, Ok, Let’s get this right.

Steve: Have we, have we knocked this on the head, then. Is this not happening.

Ricky: Oh here he is. Look.

Steve: Here he is.

Ricky: Come in!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Hey look, he’s –

Steve: How’ve you –

Ricky and Steve: Owh!

Steve: God!

Ricky: I don’t believe that!

Steve: Oh, that’s pathetic!

Ricky: I do not believe that.

Steve: That’s absolutely pathetic.

Ricky: Now they won’t believe this, will they.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Right. If I say that Jonathan Ross just got his massive member out, and he is a big lad,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Come in – come and sit down.

Jonathan: I’ve got your tickets, Mr Gervais.

Ricky: Thank you.

Steve: Wh – what’s goin’ on there, then? I mean, why are you dropping off tickets,

Jonathan: Well because, you know, in the spirit of the comedy awards, we like to have the rising young stars, of the British Comedy Awards.

Ricky: That’s right.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And that’s me.

Jonathan: Well, we couldn’t find any this year,

Ricky and Steve laugh

Jonathan: So we asked Ricky whether he would sit in the Rising Young Stars seat, and I – I wanted to deliver the tickets personally, so there’s no excuses if he doesn’t turn up later.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I- I always suspected that you were, sort of, pretty well endowed.

Jonathan: Yeah.

Ricky: And then, now, and now we’ve seen. Y’know it’s on webcam, that. That is.

Jonathan: That was just one of my cocks!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: We got in trouble sayin’ that, didn’t we?

Steve: That’s the one you’re wearin’ today. Yeah, don’t say that, no we were in trouble–

Jonathan: This is meant to be the happenin’ young station! What’s going on?

Steve: No, you can’t say stuff like that. You can’t.

Ricky: Just – just careful what you say, look what happened to Julian Clary, ten years in the wilderness and then he comes back in the personal ads. That can happen to you!

Jonathan: Ten years in the wilderness?

Steve: Can I just ask,

Jonathan: That’s Jesus you’re thinkin’ of!

Ricky: Let’s just, just ‘cause you’re on everything at the moment,

Jonathan: I walked in here, and I came in here, and I thought this is the young happenin’ place, and what do I see in here? Three old men sittin’ --

Steve: What are you talkin’ about?! I’m only 28! 27.

Jonathan: Yeah. You’re wrecked! You all looked wrecked!

Steve: That’s ‘cause we’re always partyin’!

Jonathan: I was lookin’ for some youngsters! Where’s the youngsters? I wanted to see some tight leather pants!

Steve Laughs

Jonathan: I wanted to see some foxy chicks,

Ricky: Look how –

Jonathan: Hangin’ on your every word! What is it, it’s a bunch of old blokes and a bloke over there washin’ up, in a sink.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: But look at him - he even dresses for radio! Look at him!

Steve: This is ludicrous.

Ricky: It’s amazing! The – looks like – you’re one step away –

Steve: I love the fact, you were on the phone to Gervais last night, weren’t you, asking his advice,

Jonathan: Yeah.

Steve: On clothes! Look at him!

Jonathan: Well I’ll –

Steve: He’s goin’ for the man down the DSS look!

Jonathan: I like that look – no, it’s a nice look!

Ricky: Innit! Thank you.

Steve: Have you got a single pair of trousers that aren’t elasticated at the waist.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Jonathan: They’re ma- they’re maternity jeans, aren’t they? They’ve got the whole front panel for –

Ricky: The thing is, what I do is, at the end of the, week, I can pop these in a pan and I can make a nice soup, with

Steve Laughs

Jonathan: Aw.

Ricky: All the food that’s encrusted in them.

Jonathan: That’s years of the homeless comin’ to the fore there.

Ricky: Look at you,

Steve: But what I –

Ricky: One step away from Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen.

Jonathan: I’d like to be, I’d like to be that bit closer.

Ricky Laughs.

Steve: But why are you dropping off the tickets. Are you a little bit - ? ‘Cause I thought, I thought you were married and stuff. Why do you suddenly got this obsession with Gervais?

Ricky: I’m a bit ‘a rough, in’t I!

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Jonathan: Yeah. It’s like when you see Dale Winton out with those rough boys, I’d like to get one of me own!

Ricky: When, when a top celebrity,

(11:31)

The following is (23:00 to 34:30). Transcript from (11:31 to 23:00) is to be added later.