23 March 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 23 March 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Pop a Jumper On

Song: Richard X and Sugarbabes - Are Freaks Electric

Ricky: Are Freaks Electric, Richard X and the Sugarbabes on Xfm 104.9 Steve.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello.

Ricky: Karl, the err producer.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: 7 minutes past one, of a Saturday, and what a lovely Saturday it is.

Steve: It is indeed.

Ricky: Well, it looks nice but it's deceptive because I went out, and I just had a t-shirt on and I had me jumper wrapped round me, I got out there and I thought, this is chilly.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And I had to put on, pop the jumper on.

Steve: Ooh no.

Ricky: So err, you know just be careful, if you err you know looking out of the window thinking oh i'll go outside, pop a jumper on or, or a jacket because it looks nice, but it is a little bit colder, than it looks.

Steve: Rick, can I ask, were you wearing the jumper tied round your waist with a knot, or did you have it over your shoulders maybe like, you'd just jumped off a yacht.

Ricky: I popped it round my waist, and i'll tell you why. I tucked my t-shirt in for neatness and comfort.

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: But I know, even I know that's a little bit dorky.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: So I was trying to hide the belt line.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: So err, then I popped the jumper on didn't have to worry about it so.

Steve: Did you go with the double knot?

Ricky: I didn't, I.

Steve: Because that can loosen if you're not careful, specially if you're carrying bags or you're busy on the tube.

Ricky: I know, well I wouldn't mind that as long as I didn't lose it, as long as I saw it loosen and fall I’d pick it up.

Steve: You'd be so devestated if you lost it.

Ricky: And then clean it, not in the err washing machine though.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: I’d pop it in a cold wa- soak.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: And then leave it out on a few towels or summat, or put it over the radiator.

Steve: So what's the problem with err, putting it in a hot wash?

Ricky: Well it can, cause, shinkage.

Steve: Aww no.

Ricky: So err, coming up we've got loads of tunes, we're gonna be playing erm some of the best bands around, some new ones, some old ones. We might even play some err Adam Ant we don't know yet.

Steve laughs

Steve: Let's have err Badly Drawn Boy though err shall we karl? Current single.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy-Silent Sigh

Nice to Meet You, Ken

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy there, Silent Sigh. Is that the one with the duck, karl?

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah. Apparently he's stopped wearing his hat around because he keeps getting recognised, and he's gonna not wear his hat, doesn't want to get recognised.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Maybe pop it in the wash.

Steve: Mmm, be careful, just have a light cold rinse.

Ricky: Err, light cold rinse, soak it because it's woolen, right, and then just leave it out on a towel. Or you know maybe in, err near the immersion heater.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Or over a radiator.

Steve: Over a radiator is that a problem?

Ricky: It CAN Cause! that sort of you know, damaging to the fibres of the wool.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: Yeah, he had a kid last week.

Ricky: Did he?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Who did?

Karl: Badly Drawn Boy.

Steve: Oh right ok.

Ricky: Badly Drawn little boy.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: He's gonna call it, innie?

Steve: Brilliant Rick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well done.

Ricky: It's sort of satire.

Steve: Mmm, I’d like to see that as a headline in a tabloid.

Ricky: "Stand and deliver, hoI hoi, money or your life" boom boom, uhh. Erm now.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Carry on.

Steve: Aww. Can we explain why that's funny?

Ricky: Don't panic Karl I’m a professional, don't worry.

Steve: What's your concern karl?

Ricky: What's your concern?

Karl: Nothing.

Steve: Tell us.

Karl: No.

Ricky: You can say!

Karl: I can't.

Ricky: You can!

Karl: This is so unprofessional.

Ricky: It's what? What? what have we done?

Steve: What talking about wool?

Karl: No.

Steve: Come on Karl what's the problem?

Ricky: What's the problem?

Karl: You say.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He's great innie? He's lovely.

Steve: He's so scared, come on Karl tell us.

Karl: I don't know all the ins and out so I don't want to get into it.

Ricky: What?

Karl: The thing.

Ricky: Well look.

Steve: You can't, well people are perplexed now, what's the thing karl?

Ricky: What's the thing? What you worried about? Say.

Steve: Is it an e-mail? That's been recieved by the head of Xfm?

Karl: You've got the e-mail open you can have a read.

Ricky: You can talk about, you can say what it.

Steve: Ok let me just see.

Ricky: Without you know.

Steve: I don't understand it "Please note that under ruling at the Old Bailey, any reference to Adam Ant's state of mental illness in any news report will consitute a breach of ruling, and will lead to serious action from his lawyers".

Ricky: That's right, and that's true, and that subject, we can't talk about that. You can play his records, and sing.

Steve: Sing his classic songs.

Ricky: Sing songs.

Karl: Yeah well best just to leave it innit?

Ricky: Yeah but that's what we, yeah, Karl was a little bit worried. There's no way I was going to mention that or influence anything and I totally agree with the law, so don't panic Karl.

Karl: That should've never been sent to you.

Ricky laughs

Ricky and Steve: Why?

Karl: Because it's like, you know, accidents happen.

Ricky: Go on then.

Karl: When things like that happen right? You know, you've been told not to mention it.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And you're like a little kid.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And, once things are in your 'ead.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: It's difficult not to mention it, I mean. When err I was a kid.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Me err, me mam's sister Hazel, was seeing another bloke. Erm, it's weird cos she's a lesbian now.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That's really weird.

Steve: That must've been an interesting Christmas.

Karl: But anyway, seeing this bloke and he looked like Ken Dodd, apparently.

Steve: He looked like Ken Dodd?

Karl: Looked like Ken Dodd, so people said don't mention it cos it gets, it gets on his nerves when you like meet him and you go, ohh you look like Ken Dodd. So he said alright so his name's Will or whatever. And err I was introduced to him, first thing I said "nice to meet you Ken".

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Did you do it as a joke or did you?

Karl: No no because, you know when you know that's it's like I’m not allowed to say that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Can't mustn't say that, and then I saw him and thought Jesus, it does look like him.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And it just came out.

Steve: Was it Doddy who turned her into a lesbo d'ya think?

Karl: Well, he wasn't a good looking bloke, so, possibly.

Ricky: She started going out with Estha Ranson then, which is weird out of the frying pan.

Steve: When did she start lesbianism then, when did she annouce that to everyone? What age was she when she realised.

Karl: Well me, I mean we're not a close family, d'you know what I mean?

Ricky: No.

Karl: We're not the sort of family that keeps in touch with everyone, and I think me mam called her up one Christmas, and sort of said how's how's Will?

Steve: How's Doddy man?

Ricky laughs

Karl: And so err, and err she said "Aww no I’m not, I don't do that anymore, I’m knocking about with sandra or whatever".

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And it was like Ohh right.

Ricky: No big butch Sandra with the big earings and skinhead? Used to live down the road from you?

Karl: I don't know I.

Ricky: Used to get Doc Martin's, wholesale, that Sandra?

Karl: But she lived, she had a haunted house.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Erm.

Steve: Who, Sandra?

Karl: No 'azel.

Steve: Right, is this before she was a lesbian or not?

Karl: Before.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: And erm, there was a bike in the hall and the pedals used to go backwards.

Steve: What was in the hall?

Karl: Her bike.

Ricky and Steve Laugh.

Ricky: That's handy innit? Aww that's great. Don't worry we won't do anything.

Steve: Sorry, no there was, I wanna hear about the ho-, haunted house, there was a bike in the hall.

Karl: There was a bike in the hall and the pedals used to go backwards on their own, and also, shoes used to stick to the wall or something.

Ricky: Did they?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Shoes used to stick to the wall?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: That sounds like a.

Steve: That's a haunted house.

Ricky: Hell of a household. Yeah. Aww dear.

Karl: There we go.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Maybe she should clean the walls.

Song:There she goes - The La's.

A Completely Spherical Head

Ricky: The Las, and ‘There She Goes’--what a great start to a show. We’ve had--we’ve had twenty minutes of some of the best banter, chatter and music and anecdote anywhere on the... dial.

Steve: You’re damn right. High five!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Sweet man, sweet.

Ricky: Ohhhh, uh, what were we talking about? N--Oh, oh, well... I, I love that track, it’s lovely. I li--they’ve got a bit of the, the Liverpool gene pool, haven’t they? That sort of Doddy, y’know what I mean? I like the scouse sort of, look, y’know the Cilla Black and the Stan Boardman. It’s sort of--

Steve: Yeah, it’s particularly unique to Liverpool, isn’t it?

Ricky: It’s sort of happy and teeth and ears. D’y’know what I mean?

Steve: It’s happy and teeth and ears.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What a brilliant description.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Happy and teeth and ears.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s just three of my friends. Now, we’ve got a great track lined up--haven’t we, Karl--that I’ve bought in. Simon and Garfunkel--now I’m not ashamed, as you know, me and Steve aren’t worried about being part of a trend or, or y’know being trendy, or jumping on the back of--Steve, particularly, doesn’t worry about like, looking good, or...

Steve: Well...

Ricky: No no, I’m saying. It’s a compliment. He doesn--he doesn’t worry about walking along like that, or, you know, acting like a...

Steve: Well this is... I’m looking good-

Ricky: No no no no, but I’m saying you don’t mind the insults “Freak Boy” or “Goggle Eye” or...

Steve: Nah it’s water off a duck’s back, mate.

Ricky: Y’know what I mean? Or, or a new phrase that’s being calling because of Steve’s face “Water off a frog’s back”.

Steve: Who’s saying that?

Ricky: Just a lot of, a lot, a lot of your... a lot of friends an’ that. But I mean...

Steve: What, my friends?

Ricky: Yeah, a lot of uh, a lot of the people you, you...

Steve: Can you name names? Or...

Ricky: I can’t really.

Steve: You’ve made promises--you can’t...

Ricky: I can’t, I can’t be...

Steve: Don’t wanna pass anyone up.

Ricky: I think it’s the Cogole.

Steve: Looks good.

Ricky: It does look good.

Steve: It’s waterproof, Rick, and it’s also stylish--I wear nothing underneath. So it’s tight to the skin, it gets sticky in bad weather.

Ricky: Ohhh is that why you, sort of rustle?

Steve: It’s sexy.

Steve: But what’s, what’s all--is there abuse?

Ricky: No, no, they just say...

Steve: ‘Cause I’m a pretty trendy guy but I--as you say I cut my own trend, you know, I make my own style. You know, consequently: the pipe. You don’t feel that’s an affectation?

Ricky: I--I don’t think, I think ‘cause you’re young and tall...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...the pipe looks a little bit silly.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: I mean I know you’re worri--you’re worried about, ‘cause... ’cause we’ve already lost the trilby.

Steve: Well I’m worried because pipes are gonna die out, I mean this is the problem, there’s no young people now who are taking up the pipe as a smoking device. There's no young people-

Ricky: Is there anyone, is there anyone under the age of, what should we say? 25?

Steve: We’ve said this before, and I don’t think there is--there was no one. I think there was some nutty old woman who phoned in and said, “I smoke a pipe”. But I’m talking about, you know, ‘cause if--years ago it was like an Oxbridge student, y’know you’d be at Cambridge or something, you’d have eh, a lovely pipe and a tweed suit. You’d be there studying. That was--you know--and that was the young gent who always smoked a pipe but no one is now. I’ll tell you this, in the year 2050, there’ll be no pipes. They won’t exist.

Ricky: Well I think all, all, um, drugs like, eh, nicotine and alcohol will be banned and we won’t b--we won’t be allowed to think our own thoughts, we’ll have to live in the sewers like eatin’ rat burgers or summat.

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: Won’t we?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And we’ll have to download our memories or summat, probably.

Steve: Aww God.

Ricky: An’ I-

Steve: But I’ll be a rebel, Rick. I’ll just be down there listening to jazz.

Ricky: No, no you won’t. You’ll just have a little chip in the back of your... and you’ll be, you’ll be going out with a big fat man with a big toga on and he’ll be, and you’ll be, you’ll be touchin’ ‘im.

Steve: But will I think it’s a beautiful woman?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah you will, yeah. And I’ll be fighting with the, the rebel underground.

Steve: No you won’t

Ricky: I will.

Steve: No.

Ricky: I will. I’ll be dead, wouldn’t I?

Steve: You’ll be dead, yeah.

Ricky: I’ll be dead, yeah.

Steve: In 2050 you will.

Ricky: I’ll be dead.

Steve: Unless you--‘cause obviously you’re becoming quite wealthy now. You’re becoming a very rich man, obviously, from all your, y’know, celebrity endorsments.

Ricky: I’ll have my brain, I’ll have my brain put into a robot...

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: ...made of titanium and I'll have it... aww.

Steve: Yeah... Would you be cryogenically frozen, if you could do it?

Ricky: I would, but I’d leave myself out on a towel.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Never--’cause if you do it too quickly, there is shrinkage.

Steve: You’ve got to be careful. Did you read in the paper this week, this is true, apparently, the um, the world’s oldest man is 113, lives in some little part of Japan, like a little island in Japan. But apparently, the world’s oldest woman also lives in exactly the same place. Now I don’t know if she’s since died, but she lived in the same place as well. Do you not think there’s something suspicious going on there? I mean isn’t that a bit eerie to you?

Ricky: I’m thinking, have you ever seen ‘em together? And have, has he--have you ever found lipstick in his bag? I think they’d be one and the same.

Steve: I wonder if it’s something like y’know, what brought Godzilla back. There’s some kind of, there’s some antics over there.

Ricky: No, there might be mightn’t there, sort of like, yeah... although just hearing some of Karl’s stories about school, there’s summat going on there where he lives.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Did you say you did live near a sort of, em, nuclear plant, or something?

Karl: I found out it wasn’t a nuclear plant, it was a chemical plant.

Steve: My god.

Ricky: Really? And is that really true?

Karl: Yeah

Steve: What color was the tap water in your area?

Karl: It was better than it is in London.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: I was talking to someone about this the other day...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ...em, water in London’s ropey. Em, an--an’ I use one of them water filters.

Ricky: Do you really?

Karl: And the guy down in the office was sayin’ it’s a waste of time, though, ‘cause they only work for a couple of water--like, you fill your jug twice, and then the water’s going through the same muck, innit?

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: But it’s not--if it’s not getting through it’s not getting through.

Karl: No but it’s--

Ricky: If it’s a filter it doesn’t matter, does it?

Karl: Still not... good though.

Steve: Fair enough.

Karl: Good point.

Steve: So you just, have you just thrown it away, based on what that bloke said?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Is he currently in the building?

Ricky: Did he sell you another one, that he had on him?

Steve: Yeah, a better updated model.

Ricky: Yeah, did he have a suit and a business...

Steve: When you say, like, he works here, was he actually hanging around outside?

Ricky: Yeah, did he have a suitcase with lots of these in?

Steve: With a cart?

Ricky: Yeah... aww dear.

Steve: To just go back to insults, briefly, y'know it's in-

Ricky: Go on, goofy.

Steve laughs

Ricky: No no! I d--see, that's-

Steve: Goofy?! That’s not fair!

Ricky: N-n-no no! Because, that's--that’s what he said, it’s in my head--I thought-

Steve: What do you mean, he said? When did he say that?

Ricky: No! No! No! I mean-

Steve: When did you call me goofy?

Ricky: No he didn’t!

Karl: I didn't.

Ricky: He said about what's in m'head.

Steve: Baldy.

Ricky: No wait a se-

Karl: Hey! Come on!

Ricky: Oi come off it! Don’t start on-

Steve: Well, whose calling me goofy?

Ricky: No-

Steve: I’m not even goofy. 'Goggle-eyed'’s fair enough!...

Ricky: No, I meant...

Steve: ...Lanky.

Karl: Yeah, but you can sort your look out, I can’t.

Steve: What do y’mean I can sor--how can I sort my look out? I’m not even goofy--that’s not fair!

Karl: You got--you got the proper features...

Steve: What?

Karl: ...just need... sortin’ out a bit. I can’t help it if, if me hair’s not good.

Ricky: I noticed the other day when Karl was sitting on your knee having his picture taken, it’s a long story, right? He’s got a completely spherical head. It’s slightly too small--I’m not being funny--’cause, I mean, you know, I’m not perfect... but he’s got a completely spherical little head. He looks a little bit like a baby Hamburgler. You know Hamburgler off um, eh McDonald’s?

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: He looks like a little baby Hamburgler, and it’s sort of quite put upon, it’s...

Karl: Suzanne thinks I look like that thing in that Dulux advert, d'you know when the woman pulls the head off that...

Steve: That little plasticine, Morph type creature?

Karl: Yeah, and then they make a new head for it, and it’s like a little head.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Really?

Steve: And that’s your girlfriend saying it.

Ricky: I know. Anyway, listen, let’s--let’s get back to, eh, eh--business, here. This is, eh, a great track. It’s ‘America’ by Simon and Garfunkel. This is why I started saying we don’t care about being trendy and all that. That was it.

Song: Simon and Garfunkel - ‘America’

Steve or the Chemical Brothers?

Ricky: Strokes - ‘Last Nite’, XFM 104.9--we’re flyin’ now, 35 minutes into it. No re--no real hiccups, I don’t think, that I...

Steve: Not so far.

Ricky: It’s going really well. My name’s Ricky Gervais, with me Steve.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Karl.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Alright. Coming up soon: ‘White Van Man’--‘White Van Karl’. We ask Karl the questions that The Sun asked someone else.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: It’s a good feature.

Steve: It’s a great feature.

Ricky: I’ll be testing Karl on the new, the new reeducation of Karl--as you know, he got a GCSE, an E...

Karl: It’s the last one innit, this week.

Ricky: ...in history. It’s the last heavy, sort of one, yeah.

Karl: No...

Ricky: Sir Winston Churchill--well yeah, ‘cause you got, you got, we’re going on to more, sort of uh, metaphorical and metaphysical... uh, sort of uh, pursuits, aren’t we?

Karl: Not that book?

Ricky: Yeah, that’s the--Aesop’s fables.

Karl: I can’t read that in a week!

Ricky: You don’t have to read it-

Karl: Alright, okay.

Ricky: Just choose out--just choose the ones about the foxes eating penguins, you’ll like that. Steve, over to you.

Steve: Thanks very much. I wonder if, I don’t think we’ve eh, made much progress yet on, eh, sending Karl into sort of, eh, into the air with the balloons.

Ricky: No this has gone a bit ballistic, actually.

Karl: I’ve gone off the idea.

Ricky: Oh no shutup.

Steve: No--don’t, you haven’t gone off it.

Ricky: We’ve, we’ve inflamed the imagination of the capital. There’s people offering left, right and centre, and, eh, I think it’s a good idea, but I th--we should, we should, eh, y’know, make a day of it. I think we should send you up in some balloons, right? Maybe eh, y’know...I’ll compere...

Steve: Well hang on, Rick, let’s--before we carry on, let’s explain what happened, ‘cause people might not have listened last week.

Ricky: I don’t believe that.

Steve: There are one or two, Rick.

Ricky: I don’t believe that. Name them.

Steve: People who are ill, maybe out of the country.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Um... yeah, so last week we discovered--was it that 623... uh, is it 6000?

Karl: No, I read that 6,000 balloons filled with helium can lift a bloke off the floor.

Ricky: I think that’s too many. I think that’s too many, I think we could do it for less, certainly with you.

Steve: Well anyway listen, there are various organizations which actually exist already, that can provide this kind of entertainment, this kind of fun, I’ll b--I didn’t realize that there was a whole kind of market for this already, but apparently there is.

Ricky: Nor did I, no.

Steve: Incredible. Anyway, em, so we’re gonna try and track one of them down. We’re gonna see if they can, they can, eh, organize it so that you--Karl--can float into the air. We need to get you--is it at least eleven feet up? ‘Cause...

Karl: Yeah, if it’s...

Steve: ...and I think, certainly higher, I mean I can’t remember what the record is, but it’s quite a long way up.

Ricky and Karl: 11,000 feet.

Steve: 11,000 feet.

Ricky: Yeah, but I think they’re all official, we’re--I wanna do it with like little, those little balloons you get for a quid at the zoo or summat.

Steve: I don’t think that can be right, health and safety wise. I don’t think that can be healthy.

Karl: I just--

Ricky: I think--I think if we get him to sign summat, which I will...

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: ...eh, I think we’ll cover ourselves.

Steve: You’ll be fine. But yeah, certainly we’re thinking of making it a bit like eh... was it--is it ‘T in the Park’?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The old Capital FM, uh, event, y'know.

Ricky: Yeah, the big event.

Steve: You can get sort of Steps--at least ‘H’ from Steps can come down and host the event.

Ricky: I mean eh--or, or I don’t mind, uh, compering it. Steve’s gonna do, eh, Steve’s learning to sort of like, scratch and mix and beat-match and, he’s--I mean you’re getting pretty...

Steve: I’m making a lot of progress, yeah.

Ricky: You--you’re--you’re--you are going to be a turntable-ist, uh-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, Steve never learnt an instrument, which he regrets... y’know, and uh, y’know he’s a modern lad. And eh, he’s eh, he’s using turntables as his instrument.

Steve: I just got two turntables and a microphone, and so far, I mean lads, seriously, I’m cuttin’ it up--big style.

Ricky laughs

Steve: No, don’t--don’t laugh, ‘cause it is mental, the kind of stuff I’m comin’ out with. And I’m scratchin’, I got the--I got the beats, y’know, matching.

Ricky: Can you imagine that?

Steve: Shut-up! It’s-

Ricky: No no, if--if...

Steve: Look at The Chemical Brothers for goodness sake, if you’re talking about freaks look at those weirdos!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Man Alive!

Ricky: At least you cut your hair at Gavin’s.

Steve: You know the recent-

Ricky: Whatever it’s called.

Steve: 'Cause they used to kind of at least faintly appear in their videos.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The recent one is just some shots of, like, what you see from outside a train.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: That’s--to them, that is more glamorous and exciting, apparently, than seeing the lads themselves in the video.

Ricky: Who do you think’s cooler, to look at, Steve or The Chemical Brothers?

Karl: Steve.

Steve: Definitely, yes! You’re absolutely right, Karl, and that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said for a long time.

Karl: If I was to work with Steve, on, on some music...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: If I had the choice, I think Steve would look better on a... album cover.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What would you do, would you change him at all, to--what would you do with his image?

Karl: I’d put him in the distance, so I think...

Ricky laughs

Steve: I can’t believe this is, this is happening.

Karl: No just so you don’t look as tall, that’s doing you a favour.

Steve: You know I was on the--this is true--I was on the, eh, on the tube, right, coming in to meet Gervais the other day, and I was wearing a suit and my mobile phone slipped out of my pocket and it landed on the seat, and I didn’t realize this. And as I was about to get off, some bloke who was sat there, like an old guy, he picked up the phone--he went “Oi!", uh, "Lanky! You dropped your mobile phone”.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I was like “Well, I thank you for pointing out I dropped my phone, but did you have to do the ‘Lanky’?”

Karl: But you knew who he meant, I bet you turned around straight away. It worked.

Ricky: “Knew who he meant”, Steve.

Steve: Yeah, but...

Ricky: He’s done you again--he’s stitched you up.

Steve: But I was the only person stood up, it was a fairly empty train.

Ricky: Was th--was there any other lanky people there?

Steve: No.

Ricky: Well then.

Steve: No but my point was there was no one else at all who was about to exit the train.

Ricky: Okay, so he didn’t need ‘lanky’, what-

Steve: He could have gone, “Excuse me sir”, or “Oi you!” Anything but “Oi Lanky!”

Ricky: I know.

Karl: It’s that thing though, innit? That’s what I’m talking about, you say the thing that you don’t wanna say. It’s like me with Ken Dodd and Will.

Steve: I think he wanted to say this.

Karl: Ah well.

Steve: I think he took pleasure in it.

Ricky: I think he went, “That bloke’s lanky. I shouldn’t say that. Yeah I should”. “Oi Lanky!--

Steve: “What’s he gonna do?”

Ricky: You dropped your phone.” Yeah. “Do you want your phone back or not?”

Karl: Well this balloon thing anyway, I...it’s got a bit out of hand.

Ricky: No-

Steve: Why is it got out of hand, what are you worried about?

Ricky: No, it’s funny. I just wanna--I wan--y’know--I wanna sort of like tie ‘em all to the back of your belt so as you go up there, you sort of tip forward slightly, so you’re going up slightly upside down.

Steve: We could paint some advertising on your bald head.

Ricky: On your--yeah, oh that would be great.

Karl: Yeah we’ll do that Lanky.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ah that’d be great!

Steve: Here he comes.

Karl: No, I mean, last week it was just a bit of fun about going, like, just lifting me feet off the ground.

Ricky: No.

Karl: And that’s a big difference to what it’s got now.

Ricky: No, okay th--I’ll tell you what, we’ll do a hundred feet in the air, and we--and I’ll hold on to the rope.

Steve: But we’ll do it at Wembley Arena and we’ll sell tickets. But it’ll be for charity, Karl.

Karl: Yeah I know.

Ricky: For charity.

Steve: We’ll have lots of underprivileged kids comin’ along, to see it y’know

Karl: It’s gotten out of hand, it’s like... em, y’know, I like... karaoke... but I wouldn’t want to go on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: And it’s got out of hand--that’s how it’s sort of, it’s grown too big, I don’t like it.

Steve: Who would you do if you were on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’?

Karl: I’d do that, eh...

Ricky: Moby?

Karl: No that, “Jack the Knife” song. I love that.

Steve: “Jack The Knife”.

Ricky: “Old Macheath he...” That one, yeah?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Is Mack the knife?

Karl: That’s what I’d do.

Steve: But which ch--who would...

Ricky: No but he’d, he’d do a hip-hop version.

Steve: But which of the many singers would you impersonate? You can’t--it’s not the song, is it? It’s the singer.

Ricky: Uh, you could do, um, Jimmy Somerville, I think... quite well.

Steve: Yeah, Somerville you’d be good at.

Ricky: Uh, Moby. Um... did Morph bring out a single?

Steve: I don’t think Morph did.

Ricky: Didn’t he?

Steve: No, I’m not sure, I don't think so.

Ricky: I’m sure--didn’t he have a theme tune--did Morph? Phone in if you think Morph...

Steve: Morph didn’t speak, Rick, let alone sing.

Ricky: Didn’t he? Morph hardly had any features.

Steve: True.

Karl: Right.

Ricky laughs

Song: X-Press 2 Feat. David Byrne - 'Lazy'

Steve: There y'are. You shoulda said to play a record.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Suddenly he's taking it into his own hands.