The Best of the Rest/Transcript

This is a transcript of The Best of the Rest, from Xfm Series 0.

Fox, Chicken, Big Bag of Seed

Steve: Gervais, we've had a fax, there's a guy, he's desperate for our help, I'm not gonna deny it, he's desperate, he's a desperate man Gervais.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Basically the situation is this, uh, he's got a small boat, and he's gotta row it across a river.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Yeah. Alright, well that might seem straightforward enough. Okay, but this fella has to take with him, Gervais, a fox, a chicken, and a big bag of seed.

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Well he's got a nightmare problem.

Ricky: Why? He's wh- what... why? So he puts the seed-

Steve: Because-

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: No listen, because the boat is only big enough for him and one of those items at any one time.

Ricky: ...It's only- he can get in it,

Steve: He can get in it.

Ricky: And any one of those other items?

Steve: Any one of those other items.

Ricky: Fine. Um, he takes the bag of seed over, rows it over,

Steve: Wait-

Ricky: Dumps that the other side-

Steve: I'll stop you there Gervais.

Ricky: What?

Steve: You've embarrassed yourself.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: While he's happily rowing across with that bag of seed,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: On the riverbank there,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Chicken, fox, bloodbath!

Ricky: Um, I've gotta ask you something here right, the boat is small yeah,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um-

Steve: It's a small boat, I'm not gonna lie.

Ricky: So he could put any one of those things in,

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: Yeah, so am I to assume that the chicken is the same size as the fox, is the same size as the bag?

Steve: It's a big chicken.

Ricky: Which is- so it's the same size as the fox, which is the same size as the bag.

Steve: That's right. Yes. Yes.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: Yes. Oh yes.

Ricky: Then why is he worried about it being a bloodbath, surely the chicken can look after itself, if it's- weight for weight it's the same as the fox.

Steve: No, well- what are you talking about, chicken, fox, I mean you know, you put a chicken and a fox you know, in an arm-to-arm combat situation-

Ricky: That's a very good reason, the average fox is like two stone,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The average chicken is ten pounds, scale that up, imagine what a two stone chicken looked like with a nasty beak and talons.

Steve: I'm not saying it's not a big chicken, that it a given, alright, but you- you pit that chicken against the fox, maybe that chicken's been taking that fox all over the place, they could have been on trains together, sharing hotel rooms, the chicken's knackered! Alright? All I'm saying is, that guy, right, while he's rowing across that bag of seed, he cannot leave-

Ricky: Okay okay, alright, yeah yeah okay fine, so he's there, chicken, fox, bag of seed, all the same size, all the same weight,

Steve: That's right!

Ricky: They all weigh two stone,

Steve: That's right.

Ricky: Right okay, why couldn't the- why couldn't he just like- okay, I'm assuming he's rowing so he's got some give right, with the- so why can't he have the bag of seed under his knees, and the chicken just sort of like... sort of flapping "bwark!"

Steve: He can't-

Ricky: "Bwark!" sort of like-

Steve: Gervais he can't...

Ricky: Why not?

Steve: He just can't, there's no- d'you know what I mean, I don't- he doesn't- look, the point is right, this guy has contacted us,

Ricky: Yeah,

Steve: He's desperate for our help,

Ricky: Alright, okay-

Steve: Suddenly he thinks-

Ricky: Alright, okay-

Steve: Gervais, Gervais-

Ricky: Shut up, right, okay forget it then, right, so he's got the fox, chicken and- so okay then, he takes the fox over, no bloodbath, drops that off, comes back-

Steve: Wait-

Ricky: What?

Steve: Wait a minute Gervais, embarrassment.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Chicken,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Big bag of seed,

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: That chicken is gonna eat that bag of seed, faster than-

Ricky: This- hold on, this bag of seed presumably some sort of like hemp material, maybe sacking,

Steve: That's true.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But that chicken's huge! Got a huge great you know, claws, talons, he'd-

Ricky: So it can- it would rip it apart, would it?

Steve: It'd be terrible.

Ricky: So it could open the bag of seed?

Steve: Yes, yes it could.

Ricky: Okay...

Steve: But it couldn't conta- it couldn't compete with that fox, let me just, you know, get that-

Ricky: Uhh...

Steve: Get that straight.

Ricky: Okay so he takes the chicken over,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Drops that off, no- he can leave the fox with the bag of seed, can't he?

Steve: That's not a problem! Cos you know, seed and fox,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Fox is not interested in seed, Gervais, it don't care less!

Ricky: He comes back, comes back,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Brings the fox back, dumps the fox with the seed, yeah?

Steve: Alright, that's fair enough.

Ricky: Yeah? ... Comes back...

Steve: Wait a minute, wait- so what- hang on, maybe you're on to something here, wait-

Ricky: He goes over,

Steve: He's taken the seed, no wait he can't sake the seed... no he hasn't taken-

Ricky: Oh no he's taken the fox,

Steve: He's taken the fox,

Ricky: He's left the chicken with the seed,

Steve: No hang on what- but you said he's taken-

Ricky: Oh no no- he's taken the-

Steve: The fox.

Ricky: He's taken the fox over,

Steve: No he's taken the chicken over.

Ricky: He's taken the chicken over.

Steve: And left the fox and the seed!

Ricky: Yeah, which is fine.

Steve: That's okay!

Ricky: Leaves the chicken there, then he comes back,

Steve: Alright... he takes what? He takes the-

Ricky: No!

Steve: He takes-

Ricky: Then he comes back and stays where he was, he doesn't want the chicken, he keeps the fox and the seed, and doesn't worry about the chicken, and then doesn't-

Steve: What are you talk-

Ricky: And doesn't go home. Don't go home!

Steve: That's-

Ricky: Just don't go home, I've solved it.

Man-mountain Tyson of a Piece of Poultry

Ricky: So he can't leave the fox with the chicken,

Steve: No.

Ricky: He can't leave the chicken... he can't leave the fox with the chicken because despite the fact that this is like a man-mountain Tyson of a piece of poultry, weighing it at approximately 4 stone 8, he can't leave that with the fox cos maybe it's had one fight too many.

Steve: Yeah. (laughs)

Ricky: Right. He should have retired a lot earlier I think.

Steve: I know, I agree.

Ricky: There was a day when it could take on a wolf.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: The point is, the situation is,

Ricky: Ah.

Steve: That there's only- there's only room in that boat for one of those items alright, you ain't gonna leave that fox with that chicken,

Ricky: No.

Steve: Bloodbath, alright,

Ricky: No.

Steve: You can't leave the chicken with the seed,

Ricky: No.

Steve: Alright because that chicken's gonna eat that seed... ah. Ugh, well it's- you know, you have to- ugh. It's just- I don't even wanna think about it, to be honest. Alright? So that's the situation I- he asked you for your help and all you've done is sort of you know, asking questions,

Ricky: Wait a minute, hold on, wait a minute,

Steve: Being a little bit contemptuous of the matter,

Ricky: Hold on, hold on, hold on... uh, he takes the chicken over,

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Dumps the chicken,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Comes back,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Takes the fox over,

Steve: Right,

Ricky: Ties it up against a tree,

Steve: ... Gervais, there might not be any trees!

Ricky: Where- where is this river?!

Steve: There- there might not be trees! I don't know, it could be a built up area, an industrial area, there are no trees, alright? He can't take that kind of risk!

Ricky: So hold on, wait a minute, so... okay, wait- I've got this, right. So it's either a rural area where there would be a gatepost or a tree or something, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or it's a built up area.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Where presumably there will be a wall to pop that seed on, when you take the- and the chicken can lun- "Bwark! Bwark!" I- oh sorry of course, it's not only a boxing heavyweight champion chicken, it's a gymnast, with a polevault, isn't it, Steve?

Steve: I tell you Gervais, you- you're just being contemptuous of this poor man. D'you know what I mean, he's phoned us, right, now I don't know what his situation-

Ricky: Well one thing as well, I don't know why he's got a fox, a chicken, and a bag of seed.

Steve: Maybe he's a farmer.

Ricky: A FARMER?! Oh, so he gets a fox, the mortal enemy of every farmer? Why would he get a fox, why would he have a fox?

Steve: Any- it could be a pet, it could be-

Ricky: Why's he only got one chicken?

Steve: Maybe- well it's a big chicken.

Ricky: Yeah but if... hold on, wait a minute, I've gotta do this, wait a minute.

Song: Theaudience - If You Can't Do It When You're Young; When Can You Do It?

Song: Deftones - My Own Summer (Shove It)

This is Dodgy

Steve: What?

Ricky: Because if he- no wait, wait, if he hasn't got like a piece of string, or the fox isn't on a lead, or the chicken hasn't got his beak taped up so it can't get to the seed or something-

Steve: I think the see-

Ricky: Or the seed hasn't been put in like some sort of decent bag- wait a minute, how is he keeping them apart at the moment?

Steve: Let me just say this, I've spoken to the man on the phone, he's a desperate man alright,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I've asked him this very same question.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Alright, he's in the phone box, alright? He's got the chicken in there with him, and that chicken's massive, d'you know what I mean?

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: He can barely breathe, feathers everywhere,

Ricky: It's about 8 stone, it's a 8 stone chicken, isn't it?

Steve: It's huge! It's a big chicken right, it's the biggest they do. And outside we've got the bag of seed alright, which is equally as big, we've got the fox as well, now that fox don't like the seed so we're okay. But, the number of people walking by outside that phone box, trying to steal that seed,

Ricky: Right.

Steve: D'you know what I mean, it's just crazy. He's shouting out the box, he's on the phone to me, it's- well it's hellish for him, I wouldn't like to be in his shoes, I really wouldn't. Oh! It's nightmarish, it's nightmarish!

Ricky: This chicken right, this 8 stone chicken,

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Right... does it put its head in the sand at all?

Steve: What you talking about?

Ricky: I just had a theory then.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: You- you know. I mean to get to this situation it's been a nightmare for him, he's been hiking, he's had the seed strapped to his back, you know he's got a chicken under one arm, fox under the other- people aren't gonna be-

Ricky: I still can't-

Steve: He's been hitchhiking, there were people just driving by, they weren't gonna pick him up!

Ricky: I wouldn't stop, he must have- but I still can't get over the fact why he's just got... if he's a farmer, a fox, a bag of seed, and a chicken.

Steve: He's spoken to me, right,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He doesn't- the point is, he's phoned us cos he doesn't want us to ask those tricky questions, alright?

Ricky: Right.

Steve: He wants this solved,

Ricky: This is dodgy.

Steve: There'll be no questions asked.

Ricky: There is something dodgy about it.

Steve: Well I don't know, I don't know.

Ricky: I don't think I wanna be a part of it.

Steve: Well it makes you wonder.

Ricky: Hold on a minute, he's calling you so presumably he's in central London?

Steve: Well he has to be in London otherwise he wouldn't be able to hear the show, yeah.

Ricky: Right okay, so he's in London.

Steve: Mm, yeah.

Ricky: Uhh, what river is he crossing, Steve?

Steve: Well the Thames, presumably.

Ricky: Right... There are bridges.

Steve: ... Gervais, problem solved.

Steve Visits a Strip Club

A 'The Office' clip is played including the David Brent version of 'If You Don't Know Me By Now'

Ricky: XFM 104.9. It's the Ricky Gervais Show,

Steve: With Steve Merchant.

Ricky: We've got some great bands coming up, we've got Ash, REM, we've got Strokes, we've got Weezer... the usual... (sighs) stuff.

Steve: So listen, can I mention to you about the Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse,

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: It's the one that... you literally can see from this building.

Ricky: Well don't mention it.

Steve: What d'you mean? There's loads of them.

Ricky: No but if they think you go there then you know, people'd go there and we could charge them big advertising for that!

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: We're losing revenue hand over fist!

Steve: No we- um, I dunno if anyone's ever been in an Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse, for those that haven't really spotted them, they're those places that have always got the kind of red velvet seating, and they just like- it's just sometimes I think they're just called like a "Steakhouse".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So um, we went in there and we ordered the food, and I gotta say this, The Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse, I'm embarrassed for the people that work there. They were embarrassed-

Ricky: You can't say this. We- I-

Steve: No it's not libellous, this is my opinion, it's like a restaurant review.

Ricky: (laughs raucously)

Steve: It is! I'm like Michael Winner.

Ricky: Oh I'm gonna do that from now on as well, write that one down, restaurant review, yeah I can do that.

Steve: Yeah, but um,

Ricky: Got my film review coming up, don't forget that.

Steve: Oh look forward to that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But um,

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: So we went in there and we ordered the-

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: I think my starter was prawns, right, in breadcrumbs.

Ricky: Ooh that's the- that's the-

Steve: And I ordered them and it-

Ricky: That's the poshest thing you can do.

Steve: It was about 4 quid.

Ricky: 4 pounds, I'm writing this down.

Steve: Right, for prawns, I swear to God Rick, there were 3 prawns on a plate.

Ricky: You're joking.

Steve: I'm not joking, 3 prawns on a plate, and a bit of grotty lettuce.

Ricky: Oh my God.

Steve: It was shameful. And they brought us- we ordered sort of steak or something, it's the worst place, everything you've gotta pay for, napkins, salt and pepper, everything, it's ludicrous.

Ricky: (laughs) Seat hire.

Steve: It's absolutely- it literally was awful right, and there was about 10 of us, it cost about 200 quid,

Ricky: You're joking.

Steve: I don't know what the meat was, I don't know-

Ricky: Can I just say that is only £20 each.

Steve: I don't think it was meat.

Ricky: That is London... (laughs)

Steve: I don't think it was meat, I think they'd literally crawled into the McDonald's next door, they were just stealing the meat waste from there.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: It was unbelievable.

Ricky: That is libellous but it's obviously ironic, he's joking.

Steve: No I wasn't saying- I'm saying that this is my hypothesis Rick, it was an absolute travesty, I don't know how they get away with it, I don't know who goes back there, I though restaurants were building a reputation on people who return and eat again. And as you say, it's probably American tourists.

Ricky: I like the way they look like a bingo hall cos you- walking past, it's huge, with a big opening, you can see exactly who's eating there from the beginning, right, from the-

Steve: And it's always like a couple of parents and some kids who are obviously not enjoying themselves.

Ricky: Yeah they're fat kids aswell-

Steve: Especially if they're about 14.

Ricky: I know yeah, yeah.

Steve: And after the Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse we were very annoyed, and as is obviously the tradition on a stag night, it was- well we must have- we'd have to go to a strip club.

Ricky: Right...

Steve: And see a stripper, now I'm not a fan of that sort of thing, I have to say, unlikely as that may seem, and I've never been to one before and we tried to get into Stringfellows but it's like 20 quid to get in.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Steve: And it's like yeah, we'd like to see naked ladies, not that much!

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: So we went up to- I think it's called- is it Raymond's Revuebar? D'you know the one I mean? It's sort of... I think it's Berwick Street or something.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And we go in there and there's like ten of us, and we're all dressed up and that, and we all sort of come on in, and we go "How much is it for the show?" And he goes uh, "It's a tenner each for an hour long show, various ladies stripping, but it has already started." And I went "Ooh I'm not sure I wanna come in now, I'm sure I won't be able to pick up the plot.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: And he just looked at me like "...Yeah. You obviously want to see the naked ladies, just come in. Pay your money, keep your mouth shut." There was no place for humour in there. So we go in, and it's not as seedy as you might think, it's actually- it's quite nice in there, it's quite tasteful, it hasn't changed since about 1965 but it's okay, it's all- rather like the Aberdeen Angus Steakhouse it's not dissimilar to one of those inside. So the show's already begun and these girls come on, and on the outside it says "All nude girls", and there was a bloke, I swear, at the back, as the girl came on he went "Get 'em off!"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: I think that's guaranteed, to be honest.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So what was great about it is there was kind of a voice that announced each particular girl as she came on and she- it was so- it was so awful and camp and just ludicrous, I actually dozed off at one point, it's so boring, cos you- there's not many surprises, if you've seen one girl naked, they're all pretty much the same. There's no erotic tattoos or anything- or a slideshow hidden down there, there's nothing. So- no puppetry. D'you know what I mean, it's just the same old thing.

Ricky: (laughing)

Steve: So um, so there's this voice that comes on before each girl and it introduces her name, and they've all got amazing names, there was uh, "Scorpio Rising!"

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: "Vanity Fair! Passionara Fighter!" And Passionara Fighter was the girl who kind of came on straddled, they all had props, and she was straddling like a kind of anti-aircraft gun.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Which is possibly the least erotic thing you can have, and as she was taking her clothes off she sort of flung her bra-

Ricky: Steve that sounds a bit phallic to me.

Steve: Well I imagine it was phallic.

Ricky: I've studied Freud.

Steve: And she threw her bra off, and it sort of fell behind her in this very small stage and there's curtains at the back, and this is very hard to be erotic when as you see a girl's brassiere fall behind,

Ricky: (laughing) "Brassiere"!

Steve: You just see a pole with a hook on it appear from the curtains and drag it back in. And you could just see through the crack in the curtains some guys that looked like when Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise- you know when they were trying to put that shoe back on Shirley Bassey in their classic show when they were wearing those brown coats, it was like that, two blokes in their- but I've never been in one before and I shall never go in again, it's like I've done it now, I've done the Aberdeen Steakhouse, the paintballing and the strip club, that's it-

Ricky: The-

Steve: Three things I had to do in life before I died.

Ricky: Swim with dolphins?

Steve: Take a shower is the next one.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: And kiss a girl.

Song: The Strokes - Last Nite

Song: Ricky Gervais - Free Love Freeway

Just Give Me Your Address

Caller: 26.

Ricky: 26. Quite a fit bloke?

Caller: Uh, yeah. Well what-

Ricky: Are you good looking?

Caller: Well what is- I don't un- I don't understa- what are you doing?

Ricky: Well- I mean I'm just a- I'm just a nice guy you know, I've seen like those things where uh, like at Christmas they go out and give old people like 100 quid and that and... you know, people's dreams come true, so um-

Caller: But you wouldn't just give away beer.

Ricky: Of course I would.

Caller: You wouldn't just give away beer.

Ricky: (laughing) Well of course I would. Why wouldn't I? I will give you 4 cans of beer okay, and £5 just give me your address mate, I'll be round.

Caller: But you could be a nutter, you could be anyone!

Ricky: That's the chance you've gotta take for beer. Isn't that- wouldn't you kick yourself if you said "No, I don't want the beer he might be a nutter" And then you found out you could have had some free beer and lived.

Caller: Yeah but you don't take a chance for beer, do you? You just walk into a pub.

Ricky: Well, obviously you don't know-

Caller: Not a chance-

Ricky: You don't know me cos I mean I'd take a chance for beer, yeah. Four cans of beer, mate.

Caller: For- for... what, I just give you my address,

Ricky: Yeah.

Caller: You send me the beer?

Ricky: Yep.

Caller: No. No. It- it just doesn't work like that.

Ricky: Have you got a girlfriend?

Caller: It does not work like that.

Ricky: Have you got a girlfriend?

Caller: Wha- what are- is this what you do?

Ricky: (sniggers)

Caller: Is this how you do things, you sort of ring people up and just like get them into a thing about beer... and then start getting your kicks or something? Is this what you do?

Ricky: Well d'you want me to get some kicks?

Caller: Well I dunno! Is that- are you the sort of person that just rings people like- phone... you know and I've... picked up the phone saying I'm doing them a favour and then there's all this...

Ricky: Right, in good-

Caller: I don't know what you're doing!

Ricky: In good faith right, I'll give you my address right, my name's Ricky okay, and I'm at 97 Charlotte Street, you come round, I'll give you the beer.

Caller: Wh- why... what for- *sigh* I just don't understand. I don't understand what's- then- there's... It's never like this, there's always something behind it. There's always something behind it. Never just straight, straight down the line.

Ricky: No, you like a beer, yeah?

Caller: Everyone like- I like a- 'course I like a beer!

Ricky: With your mates, presumably?

Caller: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Caller: Yeah.

Ricky: Well I reckon, if you got to know me, we'd probably be mates yeah, and we'd have a beer together.

Caller: Yeah but it's- it's-

Ricky: No no no no, wait, wait, I reckon if you got to know me, right, we'd be friends yeah, and then we'd have a beer, wouldn't we?

Caller: Have you got that few mates that you need- just-

Ricky: (sniggers)

Caller: "I think I'm doing someone a favour. Just you know, might be something important that they've got-" and then you're trying to like... lure me into being your mate with free beer!

Ricky: Well come round!

Caller: What!

Ricky: 97 Charlotte Street, come round.

Caller: So you're saying a fiver and beers to come round to your place?

Ricky: And I've got no one here-

Caller: Who do you think I am? What do you think I'm doing?

Ricky: I've got no one here, come alone,

Caller: I'm not surprised you've got no one there.

Ricky: Come alone, or, bring your girlfriend.

Caller: (laughs) You're a nutter! You're an absolute nutter mate!

Ricky: (sniggers)

Caller: You're trying to get people round your house with beer and money. There's a word- there's like a word for that.

Ricky: Go on, what is the word?

Caller: Well- *sighs*... it's like sort of beer prostitution, it's like luring people in! It's unbelievable!

Ricky: Right, I'll meet you halfway.

Caller: I... I just- ohh I dunno. I dunno. I like a beer. I like a beer, everyone likes a beer.

Ricky: Right, okay, no no-

Caller: I don't like this.

Ricky: Okay joking aside, what's your address mate?

Caller: I- I'm not telling you. I'm not telling you- why would- that's my place, that's where I live, yeah?

Ricky: Yeah.

Caller: If people come I invite them.

Ricky: Right.

Caller: If people come I invite them, but people- not because they're gonna drop off some beer.

Ricky: Four, four cans of beer.

Caller: It just doesn't happen. It do- things like this just don't happen.

Ricky: Look... look... let's settle this now. You come round to my place, okay-

Caller: Uh-

Ricky: No no, wait wait, bring your girlfriend so you feel safe, I've got no one here I'm by myself, you come round, we have a laugh, we play a few games,

Caller: It's not gonna happen.

Ricky: And we have a few drinks, we'll drink some of the beer, but some of the beer, I pour over you and your girlfriend.

Caller: I- I'm- that's it. That's it mate. *hangs up*

Guardian Guide Part 1

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Right Karl, you know the drill, if people wanna go and see a band tonight, what band should they see?

Karl: I wouldn't bother. There's- there's nothing going on.

Ricky: ...Right.

Karl: Stay in.

Ricky: Brilliant bit of listening information. If you do wanna go out, maybe a film, if you haven't seen it go and see the Bourne Supremacy it's absolutely brilliant. Everything Bond should be... um, not a big fan of Bond, this is superb. I can see you're veering towards staying in Karl, what will you be watching on telly tonight?

Karl: Well, Jonathan Ross is on tonight, BBC 1, it's got Ian Brown and Noel Gallagher in.

Ricky: Gallagher always value for money. Um oh, something for you, your favourite on Channel 5,

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: Cosmetic surgery.

Karl: What's it about?

Ricky: Oh maybe you won't like it. "Designer Vaginas. Insight into the issue of genital enhancement." I mean, "genital enha-" wha- i... who goes along to have that sorted out- what experience have they had of people telling them "Oh June, you've got to get that minge sorted out, it's rubbish."

Karl: Surely you'd have work done on your face before you worry about what's going on down there.

Ricky: Well the- well no their face is probably alright.

Karl: Why, what's up with the minge?

Ricky: I dunno, I haven't seen it.

Karl: What the minge?

Ricky: No, the program, I haven't... watch it tonight, Channel 5, 11 o'clock... minges.

Karl: Alright? It's all in the guide on Saturday.

Ricky: Hi I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: What's going on, Karl?

Karl: Well if you want to see a bit of music tonight in town uh... Gary Numan, he's playing the Shepherd's Bush Empire... if you want to see that.

Ricky: Good. Not strictly an XFM sort of type band but he's influenced a lot of people.

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Uh, were you a Numanoid?

Karl: ...A what?

Ricky: If you wanna go to the theatre, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is in town starring Christian Slater and my mate Mackenzie Crook. That's on at the Gielgud theatre. Knowing you Karl, you'll be staying in and watching telly tonight.

Karl: Something good tonight, Channel 4, 8:05, Tony Robinson Presents: Worst Jobs in History...right? One of 'em being about a fella whose job it was to wipe the... arse... of Henry VIII.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: How bad is that? I mean is anyone that busy that they haven't got time-

Ricky: (laughs) I don't know!

Karl: And how does it- does someone have to go for a job interview to get that job?

Ricky: (laughs)

Ricky: Hi I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Sunday. What shall we do today, what can we do today?

Karl: Seein' a film, innit?

Ricky: Is that what to do on Sundays?

Karl: That's the thing to do on Sunday.

Ricky: Go on then what film?

Karl: Supersize Me, that's out this weekend.

Ricky: It's about that bloke who ate nothing but fast food for a month innit, and put on a lot of weight. There's a surprise.

Karl: Yeah th- that's the one. Screen International said "Spurlock did to fast food what Michael Moore did to the NRA." Observer said "Funny, wise, shocking."

Ricky: Rik Waller said "Are you gonna leave that?"

Karl: Channel 5 tonight at 8, uh, truth about the killer squid.

Ricky: ...Right.

Karl: Who's been lying about it?

Ricky: (laughs) That- no- that... well maybe it's the squid's got a dark secret and now he's coming out, maybe he was born an octopus.

Karl: Right, well. It's all in the guide on Saturday.

Ricky: (laughs)

What Happens if You Sleep With Animals

Steve: I can't believe it, it's started again.

Ricky: What?

Steve: It's all kicked off again!

Ricky: WHAT?

Steve: I was actually reading this in the paper today. Kevin Keegan,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right, he's the new head of England,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well apparent-

Ricky: Head of England, yeah?

Steve: Yeah. Well apparently right, in some previous involvement he had with football players, he sent them to see a spiritualist.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: And the FA are really concerned, they think it's gonna be another Hoddle debacle, seen all that nonsense about reincarnation, all that rubbish?

Ricky: That is nonsense. It is absolute rubbish-

Steve: Well no don't slag off reincarnation.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Oh no I was reincarnated.

Ricky: What d'you mean you were reincarnated?

Steve: Yeah yeah I had a previous life.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Guess who I was in a previous life.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I was that little short midget bloke from Diff'rent Strokes.

Ricky: He's not a midget. And he-

Steve: He- As good as.

Ricky: And he's still alive.

Steve: Is he?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Actually no I made a mistake. I was- you remember that fella in Diff'rent Strokes with the grey hair, I was him-

Ricky: He's still alive

Steve: I was h-

Ricky: Why are you obsessed with being someone in-

Steve: Who was that little- who was that little fella in Fantasy Island?

Ricky: Oh, Tattoo?

Steve: Or dwarf.

Ricky: "De plane!"

Steve: Is he dead?

Ricky: "De plane!" He's dead, he's dead.

Steve: I'll be him.

Ricky: You... weren't him. Actually, joking aside, there was this story in the papers, about this bloke, yeah? He was in Sheffield, and he reckons he was reincarnated.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And d'you know what he was in a previous life? A cow at the birth of Christ.

Steve: What?!

Ricky: And he wrote to the local paper saying "Dear local paper I was a cow at the birth of Christ, cheers." And this other bloke from Sheffield read it and wrote to him and went "I don't believe it, so was I." What's the chances-

Steve: (laughs) What are the odds?

Ricky: What are the odds of that? Two blokes, both from Sheffield, and both cows at the birth of Christ. I imagine they- well they actually met up.

Steve: To do what, have a pint or whatever?

Ricky: Yeah. But they formed an organisation called "Cattle for Christ"

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: True story. No they meet every year, just the two of them, and they go "Oh God, remember we were at the birth of Christ?" "Oh yeah, did you see-" "I couldn't see a thing. Door shut." "I was chewing the cud." "What happened to the donkey?" "Oh he's a welder in Cheltenham." "Chicken?" "Plays for West Ham." D'you know what happens if you sleep with animals?

Steve: What have you heard?

Ricky: No I'm not I'm just telling you, according to the Bible, what happens if you sleep with animals.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: I think it's Leviticus, it lists them, if you lay down with the stoat or the frog or the newt.

Steve: They don't return your phonecalls?

Ricky: No it's worse than that.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: This- you know, it's a terrible thing that happens to you. You're smitten in the knees.

Steve: That's a problem.

Ricky: That's what-

Steve: What exactly is that?

Ricky: Well you just have- that's what God does to you-

Steve: Weak knees?

Ricky: Yeah just terrible, terrible knees, you can't-

Steve: You know that Thora Hird?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You notice how she's always on the old Stena Stairlift?

Ricky: Steve, she's never off her arse.

Steve: Eh, she's got weak knees, ain't she?

Ricky: She gets wheeled round, then she gets up on the lift, then she gets lowered in the bath, I've seen her gadgets in the Sundays.

Steve: You know all about the celebs, has she ever lain with an animal?

Ricky: I think she's had a cock-or-two.

Steve: I've heard that.

Guardian Guide Part 2

Ricky: Hi I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Karl, if they're going out tonight, what should they go and see?

Karl: Well if they want some music, Paul Weller plays a charity gig on the roof of Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street tonight from 6, so they can go and see that. When they've had enough there, wander down the street a bit, right? Razorlight are at HMV on Oxford Street from 8:30 so...

Ricky: Convenient.

Karl: Good little night.

Ricky: But, you'll be staying in, that's for sure, what's on telly, what's caught your eye?

Karl: Well you know that I like to learn stuff and that,

Ricky: Yeah, you're nearly a scholar.

Karl: Uh Channel 4, 9 o'clock, King Arthur's Britain.

Ricky: Right. When you say you wanna learn stuff, you're gonna be disappointed with this program. King Arthur is not the person you think he is. There's not really ladies in lakes handing out swords willy-nilly. And as for the wizard, I- chh...

Karl: He wasn't a wizard, was he?

Ricky: (sniggers) "'e wasn't a wizard woz 'e"? A wonderful wizard he was! He wasn't a wizard, no. Merlin. Actually you know noth- I thought you'd know about the lady in the lake and the- you don't know anything about him, what do you think- what do you know about King Arthur?

Karl: Well... I know he's on Channel 4 tonight, 9 o'clock.

Podcast Extras

Karl: Doctor yeah, I've just uh, come for me check up.

Ricky: Okay then, pop your pants off.

Karl: What?

Ricky: Just pop your pants off.

Karl: Why have I gotta take me pants off?

Ricky: Well because I have to pop my finger up your um...

Karl: Up me what?

Ricky: To check your prostate gland.

Karl: Don't worry about it.

Ricky: Well I am worried about it because prostate cancer kills 10,000 men every year in Britain.

Karl: Well you can check that out if I get any symptoms.

Ricky: Well there aren't always symptoms and symptoms do vary from man to man so the best way to check it out is I just pop my finger up there,

Karl: I'm really not happy with this-

Ricky: And have a feel, don't worry about it,

Karl: W-

Ricky: ...*squelch*

Karl: ... Is that it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's not that bad.

Ricky: No!

Steve: I dunno why he was worried. You probably saved his life there.

Karl: Does he have to be here?

Ricky: He's just a mate, don't worry about him, he's just watching. Watching me at work.

Voiceover: The Ricky Gervais Show

Ricky: ...With me Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant,

Steve: Hello.

Ricky: And Karl Pilkington.

Karl: ...And he- he had his arm taken off and stuck on his twin, so his twin's got like 3 arms-

Ricky: No, it's not true.

Karl: What- what would you-

Steve: Well- so okay- so yes, no I would be upset if I had to lose my knob but you say you wouldn't have a problem with that.

Karl: I'm just saying out of everything, you know, unless you're wearing trunks and that, no one's gonna know.

Steve: We were talking about clothing, and it reminded me of a conversation we had while I was in Rio, this was in one of my moments when I wasn't dying or being ill, and my friend Chris made a good point cos he had no hat and it was very hot over there, and there's lots of guys who go up and down the beaches selling stuff, and they were selling knocked off goods, you know how you can always get kind of fake versions of big-

Ricky: Designer labels.

Steve: Designer labels.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And um, and we were saying that, as far as I'm aware, I don't wanna name any big names but apparently a lot of the big companies, they use cheap labour don't they, kind of-

Ricky: I think a lot of them have been accused of-

Steve: In Taiwan or in China,

Ricky: Exactly yeah, where some of the big- really big sort of designer labels use a bit of labour that's sort of so cheap they sort of pay them a few pence a day.

Steve: Well quite, and his point that he bought a knocked off one, right, how much are the people getting paid that are doing the knocked off stuff? How shoddy is their work that they can't even get a job doing real things for a couple of pence a day?

Ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

Steve: Well I know you're a fan of these philosophical paradoxes and we've been sent one from Dowdy, he's got in touch and he says "Are you aware of the barber paradox?" Now you as a philosophy student Rick may be aware of it, he says it's a logical impossibility, supposedly devised by Bertrand Russell,

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: So Karl, imagine- now of course this wouldn't impact on you but imagine a town that has only one barber,

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Who's a man.

Karl: Ye.

Steve: So he's a male barber in a town and he's the only person. If he shaves every man in the town except for those that shave themselves, does he shave himself?

Karl: Er... what, his own head?

Ricky: No, imagine he's not just doing hair, imagine he's- it's a normal shave, not that it would matter, you could make it his own head, you could make it his bikini line if you wanted,

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: That's not relevant, okay,

Steve: If he shaves every man in the town except for those that shave themselves, does he shave himself?

Karl: ...

Ricky: It's a paradox, it's sort of more linguistic, what they're saying is, if he shaves every man, right, except those that shave themself, if he does shave himself, okay, then he's not shaving every man except those that shave themself cos he's shaving himself-

Karl: I reckon-

Ricky: And if he doesn't, he's not shaving every man except those that shave themself. It's just-

Karl: The chances- I guess, I mean I haven't seen him, but I guess, I'd say he's probably grown a beard.

Ricky: No. That's-

Karl: Because I always think that when you're in that sort of work,

Ricky: No no no-

Karl: The last thing you want to do , is sort of be doing that when you get home.

Ricky: No no no, the paradox-

Karl: D'you know what I mean,

Ricky: Listen-

Karl: It's like hairdressers do the same thing, they have sort of rubbish hair rather than putting time and effort into their own, they're doing other people's.

Ricky: Right, let me explain right, the point is this, if he shaves every man,

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: In that town, except those that shaves themselves, right, okay,

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Okay, does he shave himself? The point being that if he shaves himself, then he's not shaving every man except those that shave themself cos he's shaved himself, if he doesn't shave himself, then he's not shaving every man in the town that-

Karl: Well... he's probably not bothering like I say, he's probably just... you know, leave it. Leave it.

Ricky: (laughs)

Steve: You know this is not a real man in a real town, you are aware of that, right?

Karl: I just think if everyone's having a shave, open another barber's.

Ricky and Steve both laugh

Karl: There's business in it.

Voiceover: The Ricky Gervais Show.

Ricky: I believe this though. I believe someone he went to school with now lives in a hole.

Voiceover: Get the brand new show. Now at Audible.com

Ricky: (laughs) You're an idiot.

XFM Extras

Ricky: Sinks are the best.

Steve: Ahh, sinks.

Ricky: It's not disgusting, everyone does it, all blokes do it, anyone who's shared in a hall of residence or y'know- if there's a sink, you go in it. In fact, if there's a sink next to a urinal, go in the sink!

Steve: Go in the sink, always the sink!

Ricky: Of course it is, it's- everyone does it, women can't do th- anyway, just reminds me-

Steve: Well maybe they can, I don't know, if you're a woman and you've done it in the si- well no, I don't wanna know.

Ricky: The first-

Steve: Let's not go there.

Ricky: The first flat I had with my girlfriend many years ago, early to mid 80s, about '84 '85, anyway it was a grotty little, tiny little bedsit, I was on the dole, Jane wasn't earning a lot anyway, and it was just tiny, the kitchen was the bedroom.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: It was honestly, it had a little entrance hall and the kitchen was the bedroom, the bed was down one side, and then down the other side about like a foot away, there was the um, the fridge, the cooker, and the sink, I could put my hand out if I was lying in bed and touch the fridge, I could stick my leg out and touch the sink, and I could stick my um, I could touch the cooker.

Steve: Well, yeah.

Ricky: Small flat.

Steve: Well of course it had to- it would have had to-

Ricky: Tiny, yeah, about a foot away. Anyway, so and it was like one of those um, upstairs was like a couple of girls, and the toilet was like a community toilet and the landing. Now I wake up, I've had a few, there's no way I'm gonna put trousers on, go down there, chance a meeting, hair all over- no. The sink. Right?

Steve: Of course the sink.

Ricky: And it was quite high so I remember like t- on tiptoes- and then one night, Jane must have woke up and I just heard her go "Oh at least take the dishes out."

Steve: (laughs) You're a grotty man. You're a horrible man.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: You slept in a kitchen for many years.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: You're a horrible man.

Ricky: But what she didn't realise was, if there was dishes in there, it was full of dishes, if you got your hand under the- if the plate was at the bottom, you could lift up that plate,

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: And just go straight down the-

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Then she said "Oh at least run the water afterwards!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Fussy.

Steve: Alright there Rick, how's it going mate?

Ricky: I've got a new feature for the Mary Anne Hobbs show, it's a last-ditch attempt to try and save it.

Steve: Well she needs something, she's a desperate woman. Go on.

Ricky: Well it's a feature,

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: It involves the whole public, they can get involved, I want them to write in, phone in, email, fax, okay, it's called The Hotel of Hate.

Steve: A hotel of hate?

Ricky: It's a conceptual hotel where you put in all your most hated people and things.

Steve: Where is it?

Ricky: Well it's just conceptual isn't it, it's like an imaginary-

Steve: Can we make it Dorset or... fine then- Dorset, say Dorset.

Ricky: ...Fine yeah. So for example-

Steve: Weston- no, Weston Super Mare, cos that is a shithole.

Ricky: Alright it's not important, so imagine there's ten rooms, so for example in room 1, I put the entire cast of Last of the Summer Wine.

Steve: All three of them, sharing a bed?

Ricky: Yeah. Bunks. In room 2 I put Lenny Henry. Got nothing against the guy, he's probably a lovely fella. He's never made me laugh. D'you know what I mean, d'you see the point now?

Steve: I see, I get how it works, yeah.

Ricky: So who'd you put in?

Steve: I'd probably put in famine and disease.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Naw, Nookie Bear. Who else would you put in?

Ricky: Robbie Williams coming up with the two worst lyrics of all time, I had "That's a good line, to take it to the bridge" Very postmodern right, and the other one, "Ricki Lake, tell me things I don't need to know" So he's in now. D'you know who I'd put in?

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: World oppression.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: No, no, Mr. Blobby.

Steve: I tell you would I'd put in, those people whose job it is to replace toilet paper in toilet cubicles, you go there and there's none left, it's like- and they're probably just like junkies, smackheads, you know.

Ricky: D'you know who I'd put in?

Steve: Or homeless.

Ricky: That program on telly- Room 101.

Steve: Ohh! It's a good idea, like putting stuff in a room that you-

Ricky: That you hate, yeah. Yeah but a hotel's so much bigger!

Steve: Well exactly.

Ricky: So uh, send in your ideas and at the end of the year we'll have the top ten most hated things in Britain for Radio 1 listeners, so send them in to Mary Anne Hobbs, Radio 1,

Steve: London.

Ricky: W1N...?

Steve: 4... 4DJ.

Voiceover: XFM's Ricky Gervais talks to Bono.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais and I'm talking to Bono, off U2!

Steve: (In his normal voice) Hello there, thanks for inviting me!

Ricky: Alright Bono, sorry I don't know your surname.

Steve: Haven't got one.

Ricky: Do you like XFM?

Steve: I bloody love it.

Ricky: Is it because we play REM, Eminem, Radiohead and Dr. Dre?

Steve: It is and also of course you play some of my songs, U2, lead singer of. I've heard in the past on the station you've played Pride in the Name of Love "Pride, in the name of love..."

Both sing "Before you break my heart"

Ricky: Love that one.

Steve: And I imagine Christmas time you'll probably be playing All is Quiet on New Years' Day

Ricky: Oh- of course it is, all the shops are shut, there's no buses running.

Steve: That's what I wrote it about, Ricky.

Ricky: Thanks very much Bono, I don't know your surname.

Steve: Haven't got one.

Voiceover: Ricky Gervais, this Saturday from 1.

Steve: Yeah, with Steve Merchant... just you know... say that.

Guardian Guide Part 3

Ricky: Hi I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Alright, yeah what you doing?

Karl: Just looking what's going on tonight.

Ricky: Right w... what is going on tonight?

Karl: Well there's a charity gig going on, it's called Make Trade Fair Live right, Razorlight's playing live, and uh, it was like a big secret and that but everyone knows now, REM are playing there.

Ricky: And that's on at the uh, Ha-

Karl: Hammersmith Apollo.

Ricky: Got another secret about that.

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: I'm on.

Karl: ...yeah?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm on the bill, doing my bit. Doing my bit, ahh... so uh, the true philanthropist that I am, but you'll be staying in as usual Karl, what's on telly?

Karl: BBC 2, 9 o'clock, it's called Wanting a Deaf Baby.

Ricky: ...Right.

Karl: ...Who'd want that?

Ricky: Well... what's it about?

Karl: It's part of a new series of like, unusual family stories and that. Maybe I can get me auntie Nora on that.

Ricky: Which one is she?

Karl: She's the one who broke wind for 5 minutes.

Ricky: You can't fart of 5 minutes!

Karl: Well she did. She was on a lot of tablets and that.

Ricky: Well she- you- you can't. She was... I dunno. (laughing) She's talking out of her arse!

Karl: Anyway. It's all in the guide on Saturday. Not the stuff about auntie Nora but the other stuff.

Ricky: (laughs)

Berets and Badgers

Ricky: Hmm, no.

Steve: A little red fez.

Ricky: Oh I know what I want, mmmm... never- no. Beret?

Steve: What kind of- what is that, what kind of hat is that?

Ricky: It's a frisbee.

Steve: Beret. It hasn't even got a-

Ricky: It's- when you- some bloke, he does Philosophy for a week or he's sort of doing French combined with Philosophy and he comes in to the student union with a beret on and a goatee and the first thing you do is take it off and throw it out the window.

Steve: Of course you do, of course!

Ricky: Cos you're with the cool people and he's going, "Oh that's really funny, isn't it, yeah. So mature. Yeah." And you go, "No, it's not mature, but it's funny."

Steve: "We're just having a laugh."

Ricky: Anyone you see wearing a beret in the student union or in a pub, just pop it off, frisbee it across the- I tell you, you will be the most popular bloke in that pub.

Steve: Using like- he's piggy in the middle, you're just throwing it,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Different people, it kind of bonds the pub, they leave the quiz machine, they come over, and they're joining in, you're just throwing- he's screaming "Please give me my beret back!"

Ricky: In fact, I reckon if you threw it, and it hit the hardest bloke in the pub's pint over, he'd look over, and they'd go "Who did that" and I'd go "I did but he was wearing it" they go "Fair enough mate" and he'd *punches palm* d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Oh yeah, he'd go straight to the guy that was wearing the beret,

Ricky: 'Course he would!

Steve: What kind of a hat- what kind of a hat is that, it's French, I mean there's the point, that's the answer.

Ricky: Oh loo- oh look I don't wanna get you on French people.

Steve: No I know but all I would say to you is it's got no brim.

Song: The Strokes - Last Nite

Ricky: "The honey badger has skin which is so thick it can withstand bee stings, porcupine quills and snake bites,"

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That's a skill.

Steve: Aw.

Ricky: But not as good as this one, hold on, "In addition to being tough, the badger's skin is also very loose, so if it is caught by the back of the neck-" that'd happen. So you go for it, "Argh you badger!" you p- back of the neck. What can it do? Nothing. Can't it? Wait a minute, "It is able to twist round inside its own skin and bite whatever is holding it."

Steve: What?!

Ricky: So it swivels round and-

Steve: What?

Ricky: It suddenly- this skinned head comes out of its arse, bites your leg.

Steve: Rubbish.

Ricky: Well of course it's rubbish, who put that- I mean-

Steve: Absolute rubbish.

Ricky: What does that mean? "Its skin is so loose it is able to twist round inside its own skin and bite whatever is holding it."

Steve: Badgers are just sort of slopping around,

Ricky: What is that, a nightmare? Some sort of Wesley Craven nightmare? Somebody got a little badger, furry little... badger, right, you think you've got it, you go "Come on, it's for your own good." you know, you might be like Tony Soper or David Attenborough just like, "For your own good, we're gonna go and cut your nails, pop a little thing over you so we can follow you eating-" *whoosh* turns round, suddenly it's a bag of skin, this head *squelch* comes out of its arse, "Aurgh!!" and it rips your face off!

Steve: It's like Alien!

Ricky: I know! That can't be true.

Steve: Like Alien!

Ricky: It can't be true.

Steve: Those are a- perhaps they're aliens.

Urban Myths With Simon and Nick

Simon: Now, well somebody's on the line to speak to us, it's this guy... "Ricky Gervis"? Uh, he's already been on the radio this morning on Jonathan Ross cos he won-

Nick: You're so angry, aren't you?

Simon: Wha-! Just cos he won the BAFTA and... you didn't.

Nick: You're angry-

Simon: I'm angry for you!

Nick: I know.

Simon: You dummy.

Nick: I'm angry for me.

Simon: I'm angry for me.

Nick: Let's get this guy on.

Simon: Get this guy on the air. Hello Ricky.

Ricky: It's not about awards.

Simon and Nick both laugh

Simon: You always say that, people always say that that win awards.

Ricky: And I've always thought of like, particularly Nick a- you know, as a winner.

Simon: Shut up!

Ricky: Karl, I've told Karl we're all winners.

Simon: (laughs)

Ricky: Before. It's not- it's the turning up, it's just the being there that counts. It's the- it's the hanging around and then not winning.

Simon: Yeah that's fun.

Ricky: (laughs)

Simon: I got munted on red wine and then punched Alan Titchmarsh, it was a terrible night.

Nick: I bought a 10-minute suit for the BAFTAs, didn't I?

Simon: Yep, it dissolved.

Nick: Bought a suit, 300 quid, it was only on for 10 minutes.

Simon: (laughs)

Ricky: You lot were great, you both looked great at the BAFTAs,

Simon: Thanks buddy.

Nick: And you

Ricky: Oscars next, it's the Oscars next.

Nick: Yep.

Simon: Yep, cos we're making a film.

Nick: Touch wood.

Simon: What are you doing?

Ricky: I'm not, but the Oscars did give me a call and said "Well just put anything in."

Simon: No, Oscar gave you a call.

Ricky: Yeah.

Simon: Edgar Wright's brother.

Ricky: I actually pulled in for the brisket competition, how do I win a brisket?

Nick: You are gonna have to stay on the line and find out about that RG.

Simon: (laughs)

Ricky: Is it a real brisket, it's not just some sort of reconstituted sort of spam fritter?

Nick: No, it's not-

Simon: No way.

Nick: It's not faux brisket.

Ricky: Is it- okay.

Simon: We don't deal in faux meats here.

Nick: Didn't-

Ricky: Okay.

Nick: We came up with an idea,

Ricky: Can I- Go on.

Nick: For a faux meat, uhh...

Simon: Yes we did.

Nick: Called "Son of Spam".

Simon: No, there was one called "Facon".

Nick: "Facon",

Ricky: Facon's good.

Nick: Which is like "F- bacon".

Ricky: That's very good.

Simon: And um, what was the other one? Bork.

Ricky: (laughing) Bork?

Nick: Yeah. It's like an amino-enrash-

Simon: "Enrashed".

Nick: Enriched sliceable meat... lump

Simon: Product. It's like a protein gel, that you slice, it's called "Bork".

Ricky: Last time I met your friend Nick Frost, we were in a doctor's waiting room, I was going for a nasty chafing of the back of the legs, and he was there with testicular mice.

Nick: Running about inside the... the sack.

Ricky: Yeah.

Nick: As the French say.

Simon: His bag.

Ricky: And they actually- the doctors came in and said "I'm not really a vet" and they got all- they got some vets in and people and some students, got over students just watching it, and it was the weirdest- I've ever seen.

Simon: D'you know how they got them out in the end?

Ricky: Go on.

Simon: Cheese strings.

Ricky: ...Yeah, well talk to Karl about that-

Nick: (laughs)

Ricky: Because I told Karl that my friend Robin Ince when he had worms the doctor told his mother to hold little bits of cheese and bacon near his anus,

Simon: Yep.

Ricky: To bring the worms out, Karl believed it,

Nick: (laughs)

Ricky: And the reason he believed it, he reckons there's a worm in South America,

Simon: Yeah.

Ricky: That it gets into your skin somehow, I dunno via osmosis or something,

Nick: Mmhmm.

Simon: Don't say osmosis.

Ricky: And to get it out, they wrap bacon round your head and- I said "What do you mean" he went "It's the thinnest part of your body" I went "How can the head-"

Simon: (laughs)

Ricky: "How can the brain case be the thinnest part of your body", he went "Well it is, it is, and they come out-" So the worm is in the stomach or the foot and it smells the bacon, and he went "Everyone likes the smell of bacon."

Nick: It's a smelly meat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Simon: I'm just gonna refer to my head as a "brain-case" from now on cos I think that's very nice.

Ricky: Yeah that was a bit weird, wasn't it.

Nick: The top of the head is as thin as Bacofoil.

Simon: True.

Ricky: (laughs)

Simon: I've heard though that's the story, I was- when I was at school in maths, Susan Hall told me there was a man who had a tapeworm-

Ricky: Well she's a f- liar anyway.

Simon: Listen, don't knock Sue. And she had-

Ricky: Go on.

Simon: He put a pie in front of him... (giggles) And-

Nick: And a snake fell out of her mouth.

Simon: And opened his mouth and a snake fell out of his gob!

Karl: Oh yeah, I've heard that.

Ricky: Ohh no!

Simon: And then ate the pie, and then went back in, and then he woke up and a load of spiders came out of his face and they were banging his head on the roof of the car.

Ricky: That is- no that is absolutely true right, and um, if the phone didn't ring at 4,

Simon: (laughs)

Ricky: Then he's lost all his money, and as he jumped off the roof, as he went past the window his phone was ringing, his mum came in, and he'd been wanking-

Nick: (laughs)

Ricky: And she left him some tea and biscuits. And it was a giant water-rat.

Karl: Look right,

Simon: That is absolutely- that is all true.

Karl: I'm a fan of these urban myths, right?

Simon: Yeah.

Karl: And this is something that was in the paper, I don't know if it's an urban myth or a true one-

Ricky: Oh Christ-

Simon: Go on.

Karl: No listen right, just listen-

Ricky: I'm not there now-

Karl: No-

Ricky: Come on Karl, don't let me down, you're allowed to talk, I'm here, go on Karl, do it, do your stuff, tell us this one.

Karl: No, this- this- Shh! This woman,

Simon: (laughs)

Karl: This woman erm, she wanted to get a nice tan before she went on holiday,

Ricky: Yeah, as you do, go on.

Simon: Yeah.

Karl: So she uh-

Simon: She put- she- there was a lobster.

Karl: No right, so-

Ricky: (laughs)

Karl: So she went to um... like a sun tan shop,

Simon: Yep.

Ricky: Yeahh...

Karl: And said uh-

Ricky: "Can I have a sun tan, please?"

Karl: "I wanna-"

Ricky: Go on.

Nick: (laughs)

Karl: "I wanna like, get brown for me holiday."

Simon: Yeah.

Ricky: Yep, yeah yeah yeah-

Simon: Keep talking.

Karl: So the woman said "Yeah that's alright."

Simon: Finish up.

Ricky: Yeahh...

Karl: "But you can only do 30 minutes when you're going on holiday", and she said "Well I'm going tomorrow, I wanna get a nice tan." So she-

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: No the rule is you can only do 30 minutes. So she thought-

Ricky: This isn't the one where they put her on a Breville toaster?

Nick: (laughs)

Karl: No, right-

Simon: That's a good 'un.

Karl: So she has her 30 minutes in that one,

Simon: Go on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Then she goes to like... Tans R Us or whatever,

Ricky: Right, yeah yeah yeah.

Karl: The next one,

Simon: Has another one.

Nick: Down in the tan district.

Karl: She goes there and has 30 minutes, goes to the next one 30 minutes,

Simon: Yeah.

Karl: Anyway so she's on holiday right, and uh, she's got a nice tan,

Simon: Uh-huh.

Karl: But she thinks "God, I'm starting to stink a bit."

Simon: Yeah?

Karl: Right? So she gets back off holiday and she goes to the doctors and she says "Look, you know, went on holiday, body's started to smell-

Ricky: Sorry, you don't- you don't go to the doctor cos you stink.

Simon: You do.

Karl: No but she couldn't work it out, she like had a bath and stuff,

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And she still stunk,

Ricky: Ha-ha!

Simon and Nick both laugh

Karl: So he says "Well tell me what you've been doing, what's- what-

Nick: This is an urban novel.

Ricky: (laughs)

Nick: Gervais loved it. He loved that one.

Ricky: There you go. Honest, Simon look, 2 hours is a lot to fill with drivel, let Karl talk as much as you want and then play Radiohead, and I tell you what, it flies by.

Simon: (laughs)

Karl: So anyway,

Nick: Go on, let him finish.

Karl: So the Doctor says "Well tell me what you've been up to" and she says "Well, what I did was before I went on holiday, I did like about 9 hours on sun beds.

Simon: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And he said "Ohh God. Uh-"

Nick: (laughs) that's brilliant, do that bit again.

Ricky: (laughs)

Nick: He said "Ohh God!"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No! So anyway, only turned out that the smell was her insides rotting, because-

Simon: What?

All laugh raucously

Ricky: Karl, you're a maniac! You're a maniac, lock yourself up, turn yourself in.

Simon: We're putting him away.

Nick: You know when a doctor turns to you and says "Ohh God!" It's bad.

Simon: (laughs)

Ricky: Yeah it's like "Oh God-"

Simon: It was her insides rotting, what, cos they cooked?

Ricky: I like the fact that the doctor had summoned her so- thought her insides are rotting and then said "What you been doing?"

Nick: (laughs)

Ricky: All cryptic like a teacher going- I mean... it's... you're a... Karl!

Simon: Ahh...

Ricky: Ohh, that's amazing.

Simon: That was good though, come on.

Ricky: Her insides rotting.

Simon: "Her insides are rotting!"

Ricky: Have you told them about your auntie- what's your auntie's name who farted for 5 minutes and went to the doctor?

Nick: (laughs)

Karl: Aren't we saving that-

Ricky: You're allowed to tell that one, you're allowed to tell that one- well I better go now hadn't I cos it's-

Simon: Did you meet- just one more thing, did you meet Bowie?

Ricky: Yeah.

Simon: How is he?

Ricky: Yeah he's very, very nice.

Simon: Did he say "Hello Rick"?

Ricky: He went- he said "Hello Ricky, I love The Office" I said "Alright, don't go on about it for Christ's sake David."

Simon: (laughs) Get lost!

Nick: I could listen or not listen to Ricky Gervais's voice-

Simon: All day long.

Ricky: Shut up.

Simon: Bye mate.

Ricky: Play me a record.

Nick: Up yours.

Simon: Here's Coldplay.

Song: Coldplay - In My Place

A Trained Monkey

Ricky: Oooh, Chimpanzee that! Monkey news.

Steve: Okay, Monkey related news from Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Right. Uhh... D'you know the monkey that went into space?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: It happened in 1958.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Now you know that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: What did he do next?

Steve: What did he do next?

Ricky: What, what did the monkey do next?

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: One appearance on Celebrity Squares then was like, forgotten.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Yeah, cut a novelty record,

Ricky: Yeah, just like Rik Waller.

Karl: I'll tell you what happened,

Ricky: Heh-

Karl: He uh, he got back and all that,

Ricky: (laughs) "Got back", hero's welcome?

Karl: NASA sort of said you know, "You did a good job."

Ricky: (laughs)

Karl: And that's where a lot of people think you know, it all ended.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But NASA were like "Well hang on a minute, we've spent a lot of time,"

Ricky: He's trained.

Karl: "We've trained him up." and stuff. So he's like- you know, he's saying "Sure, sure, you know I've learnt a lot, I've still got it all, I've kept it all, I know what to do." So they said "Right, we'll use you." So he turned into like a bit of a trainer at NASA-

Ricky: "We want to send you up the top of an organ"!

Steve: (laughing) Yeah, "Can you put on this little bellhop outfit?"

Ricky: "Can you smoke fags?" "I'll have a go."

Karl: So he was- they were getting in new monkeys you know, the main man at NASA was saying "Can you teach these the same?" he's going "'Course I can. D'you know what I mean, I remember it all, I know what's going on, I'll tell 'em what buttons to press,"

Ricky: (sniggers)

Karl: "What to do in emergencies, that sort of thing." Um, he was technically sort of employed by the army, because that's NASA-

Ricky: Right can I just- can I just fit in here- I don't know the story Karl, and I might embarrass myself here, you've got an army of people out there that'll probably send me an equally deranged email from a different website, but I'm pretty sure when they sent the monkey into space it was to monitor his physiology. He didn't- he didn't press any buttons or learn to dock or take off.

Steve: (laughs)

Ricky: He just- it was just the effects of weightlessness and space on um... basically a primate. I'm pretty sure he was tied in with electrodes to his head.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: So-

Karl: Eh.

Ricky: Well yeah, I'm pretty sure, I could be proved- go on.

Steve: But even if that were the case and he had learnt to press one or two very basic buttons-

Ricky: Definitely not! Definitely not.

Karl: Mm.

Steve: But even if it were the case-

Ricky: Def- go on.

Steve: I'm pretty certain they wouldn't have brought him back to train up Neil Armstrong.

Ricky: (laughs) Right definitely- go- but go on though-

Steve: Him going "Neil what you gonna say when you come out of there?"

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: "Well I was thinking of just saying "Hello- Hello I'm on the moon!"

Ricky: "'Ello, ooh it's made of cheese!" "Well don't say that, what about- I've noticed that you've got little legs, but mankind step forward." "Well how could I put that?"

Steve: "I was just gonna say 'Hello I'm on the moon, great to be here, wish you were here...'"

Ricky: No, no, we gotta think of something better than that.

Steve: "Hi mum!"

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: Anyway basically he got back, they sorted him out with a nice pension, he was happy, erm... because of like the rank that he got, he was like you know, he had loads of medals and stuff, they said "Right, we'll make him a colonel, he got back-

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, like I say he got a pension, um... how does it end, he died in 1969 and he was buried with his wife.

Ricky: (laughing) "His wife"!

Karl: He passed away-

Ricky: I'm sure- I'm sure he just goes onto a different website about something completely different and he just like-

Steve: Yeah, you're talking about Buzz Aldrin.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah! His page is missing. Ohh, dear.

Karl: So...

Ricky: Well... that... w- Karl, I'm... if someone could call in... did they train Laika the dog to sort of like you know, dock and re-entry and-

Steve: He never made it back did he, Laika.

Karl: We'll find out, we'll find out next week.

Ricky: They didn't bother. They didn't even bother.

Steve: Didn't even bother bringing him back.

Ricky: They just sent him up there and they didn't have the- to bring him back and they just went "Yeah that's it" that's brilliant, well I can do that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Amazing.

Karl: Really?

Ricky: Yeah. What d'you think of that, Karl.

Karl: Tsk.

Ricky: Rubbish, innit?

Karl: Sort of brought it down a bit... but-

Ricky: But the little monkey, made a colonel, hero. Big hero. What was he in, what craft was he in?

Karl: Uh-

Ricky: Sputnik?

Karl: Just hang on a minute... *ruffles paper* He was in um... Jupiter AM.

Ricky: Ye...

Steve: Let me see that piece of paper, let me check the facts.

Ricky: Yeah, I can guarantee there's nothing there about his training other than "Let's hope he's not sick on the control panel when we shoot him up at 400 G's." Ohh dear.

Karl: Well that's-

Ricky: I love the fact that you think that this monkey was a hi- *monkey noises* D'you know what I mean? When you think of these things like "they sent a monkey into space", do you think of the Planet of the Apes? Like they're sort of talking sort of chimps and gorillas and they're in tunics on horseback with snub-nosed rifles? What do you think of?

Karl: Just a little monkey getting on with it!

Ricky: (laughs)

Karl: He knows his job, he knows what he's gotta do, he gets on with it.

Ricky: Look he's pressed the button, watch him press the button. This takes me back, d'you remember 1965 I think it was?

Steve: We're gonna use him to train other DJs.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah!

Karl: That's it then.

Ricky: Goodbye.

Steve: Thanks, Cheers.

Ricky: Cheers.

Song: The Verve - Sonnet

Guardian Guide Part 4

Ricky: Hi I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: What's going on tonight, Karl?

Karl: Well if you want a bit of live music, PJ Harvey's at the Carling Apollo Hammersmith tonight so that's alright.

Ricky: Ross Noble's still on at the Apollo Theatre, he's great, he makes it all up as he goes along, not like us, brilliantly scripted stuff.

Karl: Yeah. Anyway over on National Geographic channel, 8 o'clock, brilliant program, it's called Cleverest Ape in the World.

Ricky: ...Yeah.

Karl: Yeah? And what it's about is this ape, right, that's working with a scientist and they do some maths tests together and that, and the ape manages to sort of outdo the scientist.

Ricky: Don't talk rubbish.

Karl: That's- it- that's what's happening tonight-

Ricky: Well it doesn't- it can't outdo a scientist on a maths test, can it?

Karl: Well it- it does.

Ricky: It could outdo it on swinging, but...

Karl: Did you see that program about swinging?

Ricky: ...What?

Karl: It was on last week this. All these old people right, swapping partners and that, except this old bloke, I dunno what he was doing there, he was about 79-80 right, no one wanted to swing with him. Stood at the back watching.

Ricky: The only thing swinging round him was his old saggy bollocks.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And why are we talking about a program that was on a week ago?

Karl: Well... if you want to know what's on tonight, look in the guide.

Ricky: (sniggers)

Is That Meant to Be Good?

Ricky: What about this, Karl? Talking about world records last week, this is more your level. "The world record for passing wind is 3000 times in a row on Japanese television." Now I'm assuming that was someone going for the record as opposed to a newsreader.

Steve: That'd have been an amazing bloopers clip.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah! Just going, "And more news..." Um so, what d'you think of that, 3000 times in a row.

Karl: How- how long did that go on for?

Ricky: I dunno. But it was 3000 times in a row, now that is better than your auntie Nora, cos I remember you telling us a story about your auntie Nora that had a little bit of a wind problem but hers was one continuous-

Karl: Yeah hers was about 5 minutes wasn't it?

Ricky: Now that's pretty amazing.

Karl: Yeah but I don't think she knew she was about to do it and it wasn't being televised.

Ricky: (laughs) But didn't she call your mum half way through saying-

Karl: Yeah she sort of called up and said "Ohh I'm a bit worried."

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Mum's like "What's up?" And she just said "Ohh I'm- it's seeping out of me here." It was just like gas coming out of her-

Ricky: It was more like a leak then was it?

Karl: Yeah I mean they c- they didn't talk about that, she said "Oh I'm sure it'll be alright" and they carried on chatting and then she went like "Hang on a minute... it's stopped." And I think that was the last time it went on for that amount of time, she said "Oh, if it happens again go to the doctors." and they carried on chatting.

Ricky: Why did it happen at all?

Karl: Because um, what it was, she's one of them like old people who just have loads of tablets, and they said uh, some of the tablets she was on, that was one of the side effects.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Uh-

Steve: Brussels Sprout tablets.

Karl: Well it is odd cos I just always thought what was the illness that that's a better side effect?

Ricky: (laughs)

Karl: D'you know what I mean, if she's happy with that happening, for 5 minutes at a time, and it can happen at any point,

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You know, she could be out and about,

Ricky: She only took the tablets for bad breath.

Karl: What, you know, what- why would you put yourself through that? Bought three-

Steve: Did it ever happen to her again, cos obviously being at home that's ideal but if she'd been at something more important you know, some kind of public function, a funeral,

Ricky: But I think of her at home for 5 minutes right, with her dress all bellowed out, just vacuuming like a little hovercraft.

Steve: Yeah slightly off the floor,

Ricky: Exactly yeah, *vvrrrr*

Steve: "I wonder if I can make it upstairs?"

Ricky: *vvrrr* (laughs)

Ricky: So real monkey news, shall we kick off with real monkey news?

Karl: If you want.

Ricky: It's- it's a real fact, a fascinating fact about a monkey, and by "monkey" I mean chimpanzee, which is not a monkey,

Steve: Question-

Ricky: Let's get that straight.

Steve: In your monkey news, does the monkey operate any kind of machinery?

Ricky: Absolutely not.

Steve: Does it drive any kind of vehicle?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Does it save anyone from any kind of building?

Ricky: This is scientific fact okay, mostly you mean chimpanzee when you say "monkey", a chimpanzee is a great ape. Apes include chimpanzees, gorillas, and there's something here that's- puts it in common with humans, in fact, I think this is the only other animal that can do this.

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: Okay, ready for it Karl?

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Oohh chimpanzee that! Real monkey news! This isn't made up you *mumbles* ... Okay, right, are you ready for this, Karl?

Karl: Yeah go on.

Ricky: "A chimpanzee can recognise itself in a mirror."

Karl: ... Is- is that meant to be good?

Ricky: *groans*

Ricky: (voice clip from The Office) That's mental!