31 May 1998

31 May 1998 is the only known complete recording of the original Ricky Gervais Show on Xfm. Discrepancies in the timeline of the show reveal that it is most likely a hybrid of different recordings, although is considered to be primarily the 31st May edition.

Featuring various pre-recorded sketches, no Karl Pilkington, a more chart-heavy playlist and phone calls to Ricky's mother, the show is an embryonic version of the later 2001 - 2005 Xfm show. Though more comparable to the output of 'proper' radio DJs, the show is indicative of the unique, sometimes incomprehensible, drivel, that was to come.

Track Listing

1. Kicking Off With This Little Ditty (0:00:00)

Ricky briefly introduces the show and gives a flavour of the upcoming playlist.

2. A Lovely Berkshire Accent (0:00:00)

Steve mentions his mobile disco, briefly, before Ricky segues into wanting to reduce the swearing on the show after a warning, not from the station bosses, not from the radio authority, but from his mum who he called in the week. He plays a recording of this conversation, she complains about the swearing before Ricky winds her up with false accounts of his upbringing, it is her 73rd birthday, she implores Ricky to get Steve to stop calling him 'Gervais', insisting his correct 'handle' is Ricky, or at the least for him to pronounce Gervais properly (Jer-vay).

3. I'm In The Land Of The Brain Bottles (0:00:00)

Steve winds Ricky up about the pronounciation and about his mum using the word 'handle' instead of 'name', apparently this is because Mrs Gervais was into CB radio and was a member of a housewife gang.

4. How Do You Explain That Physique? (0:0:00)

Ricky and his mum discuss Gary Crowley, his mum feigns awareness of this particular DJ, they talk about pronounciation some more and Ricky makes further scandalous claims about his mother. She records an ident, and bids him farewell. Steve mocks Ricky's fear of his mum, and worries that a lack of swearing may compromise the quality of the show.

5. It's Ten Past Four (0:0:00)

Ricky does a very professional, comprehendible link.

6. My Brain Needs Noise To Speak, Motherfucker, Motherfucker (0:0:00)

A fake advert for the band Muff Shandy and their new single Earplugs are gay, with Ricky on vocals.

7. Singing The Praises Of Penk (0:0:00)

Steve asks Ricky about him allegedly signing autographs, which Ricky did whilst at an Xfm 'roadshow' in a Dr. Martens shop, he signed at least 30 or 40, Gary Crowley, who was also there, apparently looks like a spotty shop assistant. Ricky tells a joke, they're only allowed to tell one a show lest they become like Steve Penk, not that there's anything wrong with Penk.

8. Why Should I Stay? (0:0:00)

Steve gives us a reason to stay tuned - an upcoming movie quiz! Two more fake adverts, one for Brainmangle and their new single Blood, Sweat and Cum and one for Fuck Like a Rhino by Velvet Nazi 666 UK.

9. Is Ricky Gervais A Very Good DJ? (0:0:00)

They talk about the impending split of The Spice Girls and rumours of Geri leaving following bullying from Scary Spice, Steve was also bullied by a pop star at school, that pop star was Lionel Ritchie. Apparently the 14 year old Steve had no chance against a man with a string of top ten hits. Amazingly Ricky had a similar experience, being bullied at school by a whole band. That band was Hanson. The bastards. A skit plays advertising a helpline where upset Spice Girls fans can call Ricky to help them cope with Ginger's departure. An example of such a call is played, it inevitably ends in Ricky discussing mucky photos.

10. After The Advert There'll Be Another Break (0:0:00)

Another innocuous link, followed by the Earplugs are gay advert again.

11. D'you Know Terry Wise? (0:0:00)

Steve doesn't remember Pillsbury Dough, Ricky asks people to call in to inform Steve of his twatitude, Steve promises a reference to stump Gervais, but struggles. Was the Pillsbury Doughboy a toy? No! Though Ricky does play with his food. Steve conjures up Jamie and His Magic Torch, but Ricky's heard of it. Ricky rambles on like an old incoherent drunk, Steve asks if he's on crack. Another sketch advertising some new toiletries - "Panderers with Aloe Bahaha Groovy Caring Stuff" which can be used as a 'clunge protector' for your grandad.

12. Super Slick On The Mic (0:0:00)

Steve has figured out what Pillsbury Dough meant, and explains what the advert was for those who could not understand Ricky's nonsense, Steve explains how he communicates using thought and careful word selection, unlike Ricky who just goes "words, words, words, stop, words, words, annoyed, annoyed, words", they argue about Gervais' excitement undermining his speech, he should never start a sentence with 'and' or 'because'. A listener ask does Ricky remember a show called Billy Liar, he does, except Steve points out there was no such program (he is wrong - there was), but does remember the film, the play and the book of the same name. Ricky demands booze and Steve asks for margaritas, apparently Ricky was on the margaritas the night before, Steve claims he was too, in what turns out to be a filthy innuendo.

13. Were You Crawling? (0:0:00)

Ricky has a very limited set of DJ patter. Steve recounts an anecdote about a very short man, with a face that looked stapled together, that he encountered on the way to Ricky's house. The little man asks for a ride on Steve's back, Steve says no and encounters some hostility. If it had been a little woman however, he might have been more accomodating.

14. Steve Made Me Do It (0:0:00)

Ricky introduces some ads, then The Housemartins.

15. You Know She Had Two 'No's (0:0:00)

Steve explains why he chose The Housemartins track, it reminded him of a girl he used to go out with. The girl was quite odd, obviously. She used to decide things by selecting random pieces of paper with different answers on. Should I carry on going out with Steve? No.

16. Big Block Of Ice (0:0:00)

They discuss using an ice arrow as a weapon, Ricky thinks it's a crap idea, so they solicit suggestions from the listeners on 0171 580 2000 or faxes on 0171 580 1234. They offer a pair of Embrace wristbands in return for the best entry.

17. Tell Her You're Gay Ray (0:0:00)

Ricky's been listening to Capital, they play the hits from the 70s, 80s and now, apparently, following on from the bullying by Hanson, another musician has been picking on Ricky - Paul Simon's been nicking his ideas. Ricky wrote a song called 'Lots of Ways to Leave a Lover', which Simon changed to '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, very similar lyrics, but Simon's made it a bit snappier and sold millions of copies of it. They brainstorm some new lyrics, rubbish ones.

Quotes

Steve: See when I want to explain something alright, Gervais, what I do is, I think 'what do I need to say, how can I best express it, which words shall I use and in what order, when you want to express something you just go "words, words, words, words, stop, words, words, oh, annoyed, annoyed, words", d'you know what I mean, it's just gobbledygook Gervais!

Ricky: I was excited about remembering the Pillsbury Dough!

Playlist

• Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It?
• Faith No More - From Out Of Nowhere
• Radiohead -
• Kenny Rogers -
• Jesus and Mary Chain - Black
• Oasis - Married With Children
• Soundtrack of our Lives - Instant Repeater 99
• Blur - Chasing
• House of Pain - Jump Around
• Gomez - Get Yourself Arrested
• Drugstore - Sober
• Portishead - Numb
• The Housemartins - Happy Hour
• Delgados - Everything Goes Around
• Mudhoney - Night of the Haunted
• Oasis - Some Might Say
• Nirvana - On A Plane