16 February 2002/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 16 February 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

We Know What We Like

Ricky: Hundred Reasons. “If I Could.”

Steve: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… Pop Will Eat Itself!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Karl, have you got like a sound effect or something of like… to get the atmosphere if we’re going to test…

Ricky: Cheering. Cheering. Well, seek it out with…

Steve: Have you got something there? Have a look. I’m just, I’m just looking in the NME uh for the kind of forthcoming gigs of the smaller-known bands, and uh it might be a useful place to uh just begin the uh… test.

Ricky: Ladies and gentlemen… peoples around the world, will you please welcome to the stage… Chumbawamba!

Steve laughs

Steve: Have you got a sound effect, have you got one?

Canned applause

Steve: Nice, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… the Parkinsons!

Canned applause

Ricky laughs

Steve: They’re playing in Leicester this week, uh… so look forward to that.

Ricky: That’s a good plug, innit?

Steve: Uh let me see what else…

Ricky: If anyone wants to pop down to Leicester to see the Parkinsons.

Steve: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… CycleFly!

Canned applause

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Okay, okay.

Steve: Uh… there’s a, there’s a genuine one here, someone—Simon’s emailed in, he says, “Will you just test this name for us?” Okay, Karl, have you got your… Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… Coach!

Ricky laughs

Canned applause stops abruptly

Steve: Not utterly convinced.

Ricky: No. I know.

Steve: It’s not too bad. It’s not too bad.

Ricky: I’m worried about the sound effect, we’ll start, we’re starting to sound like Chris Moyles or summat… when you play a sound effect.

Steve: Moyles, he—well he’s a top broadcaster, everyone loves him.

Ricky: Losing weight as well.

Steve: He is hilarious!

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Funny funny man. There’s one more coming here. I’ll just check this one.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Ladies and gentlemen…

Steve: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome—this is Chris in Oxford… ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Meanwhile, Back in Communist Russia!

Canned applause

Ricky: Is that a band?

Steve: I’d assume so.

Ricky: I assume it’s his band, innit?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Wait, how does he listen to us in uh… Hold on, though, this is only local radio, how does he listen to us in Oxford?

Steve: Well if only there were some kind of digital format that he could listen via the web… net.

Ricky: What is it?

Steve: Karl, what is the…

Ricky: What is it?

Karl: What?

Ricky laughs

Steve: How does he listen in Oxford?

Karl: He can listen on Sky Digital…

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: …channel 864…

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: 8-6-4.

Karl: …and uhm…

Steve: On the Internet?

Karl: …on the Web.

Steve: Okay, what would that Web address be?

Karl: Xfm.co.uk.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Click on the audio…

Steve: Yep.

Karl: …and uh… you get, you get Xfm ten seconds behind what actually happened.

Steve: Okay. Perfect.

Ricky: Just, just out of interest… what’s the point of saying that they, if they can’t sort of get us in London, to listen… to that, because…

Steve laughs

Ricky: …they won’t be… they’re either, they’re already, they’re either in London.. so they won’t go through this nonsense… or they’re in Leicester… and they can’t hear us saying Sky Digital, and…

Steve: Yeah, we haven’t thought that through at all.

Karl: Because you might work in London for a bit, and then…

Ricky: Go back and spread the word.

Karl: …and like, leave…

Ricky: Go back and spread the word like disciples.

Karl: …move, go back to Leicester…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …tell your mates…

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Steve: There’s any number of combinations.

Ricky: Soon Xfm is the most listened-to radio station in Britain.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Mm. Mm.

Ricky: What we need is uh people on Radio 2 to give it a plug everyday.

Steve: That would be ideal.

Ricky: Yeah, or Radio 1.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Any of the big rivals. Virgin. We’ve often plugged Virgin, it’s a good station.

Ricky: 105.8. (sings) “Virgin Radio London.”

Steve: It’s a great station. Really good station.

Ricky: (sings) “Heart 106.2.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Lovely.

Ricky: (in smooth DJ voice) You’re listening to Magic 105.4.

Steve: Are you getting… you’re getting quite a lot of voice-over work now, aren’t you?

Ricky: I am.

Steve: That’s not…

Ricky: I’ve stopped all that, though.

Steve: Have you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh right. Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: No, that’s all right. Good.

Ricky: Well you know, I… you know, I’m all right now, I’ve got a bit of money.

Steve: Classic 60’s bands, I’ve just… Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… the Scaffold!

Ricky: Oh, the Scaffold!

Canned applause

Steve: Do you remember the Scaffold, Karl?

Ricky: You’ve picked a—the lead singer looks a bit like him. But you know whose brother that is in the Scaffold, don’t ya? Mike McGear? Do you know whose brother that is?

Karl: What?

Steve: Do you remember the Scaffold, they did uh…

Karl: Yeah, I remember uh…

Ricky and Steve: (singing) “We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink…”

Karl: I think they did that…

Steve: (sings) “the saviour of… the human raaace…”

Karl: …the … song.

Ricky: Yeah. (sings) “Thank you very much for the Aintree Iron.” Do you know whose brother that is?

Karl: Whose brother? The lead singer?

Ricky: No, Mike McGear, innit, the sort of—one of the main men in it.

Steve: He’s one of the songwriters in uh…

Karl: McGear. No.

Steve: …the Scaffold.

Ricky: Paul McCartney.

Steve: Is he?!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I didn’t realize that.

Ricky: Yeah. That’s Paul McCartney’s brother. Think, think… think of that when they go around for Christmas.

Steve laughs

Ricky: So I think “Lily the Pink” was what, about 1970?

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah, it was number one, wasn’t it, Christmas number one.

Ricky: Yeah, big number one, yeah, I mean I don’t know if it was Christmas number one. “Two Little Boys” was 1969, last hit of the ‘60s.

Steve: Yeah, it definitely was number one. The Scaffold was—

Ricky: Yeah, but I don’t know if it was—

Steve: It was, it was, it was, ‘cause I remember I did read it in the Sunday Times.

Ricky: Really.

Karl: Wow.

Ricky: Yeah. So they go home for Christmas… Mrs. McCartney goes, “All right, boys. How are you, Paul, how are you doin’?” “I’m startin’ a new band called Wings.” “Oh yeah, yeah.” “This is Linda.” “All right, lovely, sit down. Mike, what are you doin’?” “Just had a number one.” “Brilliant, round of applause.” “How many number ones do you have, Paul?” “Uh… 19.” “Still. We know what we like, don’t we?”

Ricky and Steve: (singing) “We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink…”

Steve: (sings) “…the saviour of… the human raaace…”

Ricky: Paul goes, “Well, if you wanna… (sings) ‘The long and winding road…’”

Steve: “Boring! (sings) 'We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink…'”

Ricky: “Well…”

Steve: “Linda, do you wanna be in uh the Scaffold, we’re probably gonna go on tour and stuff, I know you’ll love it.” “Well, I’d quite like it, yeah.”

Ricky: “Well hold on.”

Steve: (sings) “We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink…”

Ricky: “Woah woah woah woah woah.”

Steve: “What’s the problem?”

Ricky: “You’re not gonna be in Wings if you’re gonna play with him.”

Steve: “Well, I gotta, you know, make a tricky decision, I mean that’s a great song, everyone’s loving it, it’s Christmas number one.”

Ricky: “What are you doing, what are you doing eating his bacon?”

Steve: “Well, I love his…”

Ricky: “You don’t eat bacon!”

Steve: “Yeah, but I love the music, it’s, I mean, he’s a great guy.”

Ricky: “Well, stop it! What are you doing?”

Steve: “Well I just, you know, I love the… (sings) ‘We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink…’”

Ricky: “No!”

Steve: “No? You don’t like…”

Ricky: (sings) “’Yesterday… all my troubles seem so—‘“ (unable to reach note) “Oh shut up.”

Steve: (sings) “Thank you very much for the…”

Ricky and Steve: Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: (sings) “…Aintree Iron!”

Song intro plays

Steve: Oh, imagine that, ‘cause imagine the idea of going, “Well you’ve had 19 number ones. I mean, you know…”

Ricky: If things…

Steve: Yeah, “If things stay like this for the Scaffold…”

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: “…I’m gonna rule the ‘70s.”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: “If things carry on going like they’re going now…”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “…the Scaffold could…” Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome…

Steve: Please welcome to the stage… Beck!

Ricky: Oh, nice one.

Song: Beck – Loser

White Van Karl

Ricky: Air. "Don’t Be Light." Xfm 104.9. Five to two…

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky and Steve: Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: With me…

Ricky and Steve: Stephen Merchant.

Ricky: Smerch…

Steve: Smerch.

Ricky: The Smerch.

Steve: The Smerch.

Ricky: And, the K-Man. KP, Karl Pilkington, the K-Man.

Steve: Pressing the buttons.

Ricky: Yeah. See that in Heat this week?

Steve: What was it?

Ricky: About the campaign to stop Karl going back to Manchester—you know ‘cause he’s a miserable sort of Northerner, goes “London’s crap and I wanna go back up north.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And “I, I only need forty quid a week to live up there like a king. And all that sort.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Rubbish. Right? Well ah uhm uh… Boyd from Heat, uhm probably met him at the uhm, that awards ceremony.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: And uh he was saying about “Oh yeah he’s brilliant” he enjoys Karl—he’s getting a lot of—people like Karl.

Steve: A lot of people love him. They love him.

Ricky: And I was going “Yeah but he’s thinking of leaving,” and he was going “Aww, I’ll s—start a campaign” and he did, he p—put it in there. So the campaign—so write in if you like Karl. If, if, if you think he’s really annoying, then we’ll stop talking to him.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But I mean I like him.

Steve: I love him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Have you ever read the uh White Man, the White Van Man column in the Sun, Karl?

Karl: I’ve seen it.

Steve: Are you familiar with it? This is where everyday in the Sun they interview a guy who drives a, a van, a white van just, you know, in order to get the kind of voice of the man on the street in the paper. And he has to answer, or just give his opinions really on uh events that have made the news each week. Just thought we could maybe throw some of these at you, Karl.

Karl: Go on.

Steve: ‘Cause we know—just to see what your views are.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So uhm just the first thing that comes into your mind, the sort of—your initial reaction, to these uh…

Ricky: Just talk about these, you don’t need to know about them, it’s just your philosophy on it, so, you know.

Steve: Yeah, it’s just your views.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I have had a few days off this week, remember, so I don’t know what’s going on in the world.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, you—I mean, you stayed in London though, didn’t you? You didn’t travel.

Ricky: You didn’t bury yourself, did you?

Karl: I normally see the news but I didn’t… this week.

Steve: Okay. Uhm, so what are your view—what was your view on Will Young beating Gareth Gates in the final of Pop Idol?

Karl: Don’t like him. You know what I was thinking about when I was watching it all the way through?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: How he looks like he’s got a wire coat hanger in his gob.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That sort of…

Ricky: Again it’s radio, Karl. It’s a great face…

Steve: A funny face you’re pulling…

Ricky: Yeah, uhm, you know, but, you know, a radio…

Steve: And is that—that’s a problem for you, is it?

Karl: And just the way he’s from a really rich family. I opened up the paper on a Monday or something and it had like how he went to a posh school and he’s got loads of money already.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It’s just a bit…

Ricky sighs

Ricky: Okay. Well…w—what’s the second question?

Steve: Uhm… there’ve been huge rises in street crime especially muggings and carjackings, what’s your view there?

Karl: More youth clubs are needed, aren’t they?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You think more youth clubs?

Ricky: I like that.

Steve: No, okay.

Ricky: No, I like that because it’s so 1950’s.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s sort of like he wants a bobby on the beat that’ll clip you ‘round the ear.

Steve: So once they’ve come out of national service…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. No, I love that and if, and if you find someone smoking a Woodbine you make ‘em smoke fifty.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Oh, this is great. That is great.

Steve: Did you, did you used to go to uh youth clubs?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And they, they kept you out of trouble?

Karl: Uh, used to get into a fight afterwards when we came out.

Steve: Sure, but for the sort of hour and a half you were there…

Karl: You had a bit of pool and some boxing and… a bit of pop.

Ricky laughs

Steve: So more, more youth clubs, that’s good.

Ricky: I love him. I love him. If you’re at home ju—just make notes ‘cause this is brilliant stuff, honestly, you won’t hear more honest, from-the-heart—

Steve: Exactly, opinions.

Ricky: —stuff than this. This is great. Go on.

Steve: This is not pre-planned, this is really your direct responses now that you’re giving…

Ricky: Oh I promise you, Karl did not know what we were gonna d—he never knows what we’re gonna do and… he always answers honestly, that is the beauty of Karl.

Steve: What is your view—

Ricky: It’s not an act.

Steve: What is your view, Karl, on New York’s former mayor becoming Sir Rudy Giuliani? Sir Rudy Giuliani?

Karl: Is he happy with it?

Ricky laughs

Steve: He appears to be pleased with it.

Karl: Let it go ahead.

Steve: Fair enough then.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Let it go ahead! Oh it’s genius.

Steve: Okay, uhm…

Ricky: “Is he happy with it?” He’s like your nan!

Steve: Yeah, yeah. What do you make of Michael Grecco’s character Beppe being axed from “Eastenders”?

Karl sighs

Steve: Problem for you?

Karl: The whole soap thing, whats-it’s back in “Coronation Street,” isn’t she? Uh, what’s her name?

Ricky: Who? Bet?

Karl: Bet Lynch. She thought she’d go off and be a bigger star…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: All went wrong, and now she’s coming back.

Ricky: Yeah. Always happens, doesn’t it?

Karl: Beppe will be back.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No one really cares.

Steve: Sure. Sure. Well the final one—

Karl: What’s the van reply, what’s the guy in the…

Steve: White Van Man says uh, “Obviously they feel the character’s run its course…”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “But I think he’s a pretty good actor and I can’t understand why.” I mean, obviously there’s a White Van Man there who’s also got an opinion on script development.

Ricky: The through line.

Steve: The through line, yeah, the narrative through line of the soap opera.

Ricky: The twelve-week narrative, the arc really shows itself up.

Steve: Two last ones I want your opinion on here. What do you make of a cat cloned in a secret 2.5 million research project?

Karl: To find out what?

Steve: If they can clone cats. Yeah.

Karl: Have they had to hurt it?

Steve: Sorry?

Karl: Have they had to sort of hurt it to do that?

Steve: Have they had to hurt it?

Karl: Or is it just scraping its tongue for some stuff?

Steve: I think the cat’s fine, the point is that they’re cloning a, another creature which is potentially very dangerous. Have you seen that film where they bring Hitler back?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That cat, what if that cat turned out to be a world dictator?

Steve: Exactly. What do you reckon of cloning generally, Karl, you’re concerned about it?

Ricky: What do you think of cloning for organs, you know, they grow ‘em for the, you know…

Steve: Do you know what cloning means?

Karl: Yeah, it’s when you like make something else that’s the same, innit?

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah, I mean it’s not gonna do any harm.

Steve: Okay. And uh, and finally…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He’s great. Put him on the World Council.

Steve: And finally, what do you make of some city workers who were caught bonking in the glass lifts of the Lloyd’s Building?

Karl: What do I make of it?

Steve: Yeah. Is that a problem for you, do you think that’s unprofessional?

Karl: Was it the lunch break or…

Ricky laughs

Steve: I think it was lunch break.

Ricky: It was their own time…

Steve: It was their own time, fair enough. It only takes 45 seconds to go from the bottom to the top, is that a problem?

Karl sighs

Steve: They moved quickly, they acted, you know, on instinct. You think fair enough, if that’s their natural instincts, and they’re both consenting you think, fine.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay. Thanks very much, Karl.

Ricky: Thanks very much, Karl.

Steve: We’ll have more of Karl’s world-weary opinions next time on the show. Listen, I want to play A Track That I Love.

Ricky: I, I, I can’t wait for this track, it’s by a great band, just gonna do—before Steve does this, coming up we’re gonna give away a great game. I’ve—I’m sort of clearing out my flat, we’ve tidied up—we’ve got, you know, a lot of junk there, and uh we’re gonna give away a great game coming up—you’ve seen it, Steve, you’re excited…

Steve: I’m looking forward to it. It’s a board game.

Ricky: It’s a board game, it’s a board game that we’re all gonna sign. It’s gonna be signed by Gerv, Smerch, KP the K-Man. So you could win that.

Steve: From the classic album “Copper Blue” by Sugar, listening to it again recently, reminded how good it was, this is the classic track “Hoover Dam.” Play it.

Song: Sugar – Hoover Dam

Not Even Welephant Was Elephantastic

Song: The White Stripes – Fell in Love with a Girl

Ricky: White Stripes. "Fell in Love with a Girl" on Xfm 104.9, it’s 10 past 2. Right, okay, that’s the first hour out of the way. Next hour, Steve, I’ve got a game to give away. As I said I’m sort of cleaning out my flat a little bit and uh we’re going throw away stuff, and I went… “Woah, woah, woah. Don’t throw that away. I can give that away on the show because Xfm don’t give us anything to give away.”

Steve: No.

Ricky: Does anyone care what ‘appens weekends?

Steve: No.

Ricky: There’s people coming in here going, “Aw, he hasn’t turned up,” fiddling with stuff… fire alarms goin’ off… the library—we were looking for a track we played a couple of weeks ago on the same album and it’s gone.

Steve: Yeah, it’s been pinched since we last played it.

Ricky: This is a—I can’t believe it, they’re moving—that’s like a tip out there, and I have to…

Ricky starts to laugh

Ricky: What?!

Steve: No, it is a dismal place, Karl.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It is! It is absolutely… it’s disgusting.

Steve: How many of the DJ’s on this station have won multiple awards like Ricky Gervais?

Ricky: Yeah. How, how—do they know how lucky they are…

Steve: How many of them are double-award-winning?

Ricky: …to have someone of my caliber? I hurt my ankle, didn’t I, moving the chair—I have to m—even move my own chair in here, and I hit my ankle, that’ll teach me not to wear socks.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The socks would’ve just taken out the sting of that…

Steve: I think, I think just walking around barefoot generally is a bad idea in London.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You know there’s the needles, Rick, there’s all sorts of things.

Ricky: I know, although, well… Posh does it in her video, she walks around barefoot.

Steve: Oh you love the video…

Ricky: (sings) “My heart’s got a mind of its own.”

Steve: Ricky absolutely loves the current Victoria Beckham…

Ricky: Yeah. (sings) Duh luh luh luh. I love the sentiment, “My heart’s got a mind of its own,” it’s like, doesn’t matter what I’m thinking in my head, my heart says something else. ‘Course what we did for the last week was change the lyrics.

Steve: Just walking around, for ages…

Ricky: Does anyone else do that? Just going, things like uhm…

Ricky and Steve: (singing) “My wife’s got a cock of her own.”

Ricky: Just things like that and uh…

Steve: Seriously, hours of amusement doing that.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Just changing it and…

Ricky and Steve: (singing) “My knob’s got some balls of its own.”

Ricky: We were doing that for a week. Meant to be workin’.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Uhm… yeah.

Steve: Anyway you were gonna give away this game, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, it’s called Doh Nutters, and it’s a game for four players, or two to four players…

Steve: Have you ever played it yourself?

Ricky: Uhm, I watched, we sort of got it for a party and I watched some people, uhm…

Steve: Can I try and sell it to punters who may…

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Steve: (in over-the-top advert voice) “Play the part of a crazy donut-loving elephant in this hilarious game of fun and fast action.”

Ricky: Yeah. You put on a little elephant thing and you have to pull up the… get up the donuts.

Steve: Brilliant. “Can you be the first elephant to get all your donuts on your trunk bef…” Uh, “Be the first one—”

Ricky: Sorry, this isn’t a sex game, by the way, there are no euphemisms there.

Steve: Some of this—it’s a bit slightly damaged, the packaging, that’s why I couldn’t read that.

Ricky: You’re joking.

Steve: Yeah. But don’t worry because you’re not asking much for this, are you?

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: We’ll start at five pounds. Bear in mind it’ll be signed by double-award-winning Ricky Gervais.

Ricky: No, of course it’s free. And uh… uhm, Karl went, “Have you got a question?” I went, “No,” he said uh, “Well, summat about the Elephant Man.”

Steve: Something about the Elephant Man.

Ricky: Yeah, and I went, “Uh yeah. You mean John Merrick,” he went, “Yeah.” He went, “Yeah, summat about that, awful wasn’t it?” I went, “You know what, Michael Jackson actually bid for the skeleton… of that.” And uh he went, “Well would the skeleton be affected?” I went, “It grows, that’s what happens, it’s not…” and he went, “You don’t see any of that about these days, do ya?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: And then he got—I just said, “Save it.”

Steve: Although of course you have to put on these masks when you play Doh Nutters so in a strange way… that looks kind of Merrickesque.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And uhm… the game, Rick—I should just tell people listening, is, is elephantastic.

Ricky: Yes, it is!

Steve: It says that on the box…

Ricky: It is elephantastic!

Steve: …so I assume that’s right.

Ricky: It is elephantastic.

Steve: I mean you yourself—can I set a question actually, this is a possible question.

Ricky: Go on. Okay. Shall we sign it first?

Steve: We should sign it but uh… based on the Elephant Man question, obviously, uhm we all know who directed the Elephant Man film, don’t we?

Ricky: Sure. Sure. Parker—no.

Steve: David Lynch.

Ricky: Lynch. ‘Course, yeah.

Steve: But uh do you know who one of the uhm the people that got that film made was, he’s a very famous comedian, it was his production company that got it up—up and roaring. He may have been an executive producer, I think he was even the producer of it. And uh he’s an Americ—, famous American comic. You wouldn’t imagine this was the same guy who was also producing a very serious sober film like “The Elephant Man,” alright, we want to know who was that man.

Karl: It’s a bit hard for that.

Steve: Well, yeah, but I mean, that’ll sure—that’ll separate the wheat from the chaff.

Ricky: Hold on. ‘Ave you seen anything else that’s elephantastic? Not even Welephant was elephantastic, he was Welephantastic.

Steve: Rick, have you, have you got any more tat—ah, memorabilia that you want to give to people…

Ricky: Yeah. Get rid of.

Steve: …’cause I’ve got to say I’ve got…

Ricky: The council won’t take it away.

Steve: I’ve got loads of junk in my house, I’ve got an old fridge freezer in the front garden, anyone’s welcome to come and pick that up anytime, I’ll sign it for ‘em.

Ricky: But what about children climbing in it, that’s not one of those with the handles, is it?

Steve: There’s several children trapped in there at the moment.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: But that’s a sobering lesson to the local council, who won’t come and pick it up.

Karl: It’s a problem, though, innit, ‘cause you can’t just…

Steve: Smash it up, you’re right.

Karl: I don’t know what you’re meant to do.

Ricky: Well listen, right, when I was growing up I remember the council used to charge five pounds or summat to take away, like, cookers and fridges, so my dad used to bury them. Down the bottom of my garden, I don’t know wh—there’s, there’s a cooker, there’s a fridge—there’s a freezer of some sort, there’s a dog and a couple of cats—they were dead, to be fair…

Steve: I’m not saying—I mean, my father’s quite a mean man, as you know… but he, my dad used to do that with dead relatives.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! ‘Cause those funeral parlors take the piss.

Steve: Very very expensive.

Ricky: A funeral can be, you know, up to forty quid.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: You know what I mean?

Steve: Whereas a shovel…

Ricky: A shovel, yeah.

Steve: …borrowed off the bloke next door…

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: …that’s a massive saving.

Ricky: And not give them back, to be honest.

Steve: Exactly.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well he’s gonna go soon. What’s he gonna say?

Steve: Okay, to win Doh Nutters signed by Mr. Ricky Gervais and two other blokes you’ve never heard of… “It’s Elephantastic!”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And the question is, what was the famous name, the name of the famous comedian, American comedian…

Ricky: Give out the number, give out the number.

Steve: … that produced uh and had heavy production involvement in the film “The Elephant Man”? The email address is [email protected]. Karl, what’s the uh phone number?

Karl: 08700-800-1234.

Ricky: Right, next up, we’ve had a lot of requests, Karl’s popularity is growing, they wanna hear his uhm his super mega-mix, uh the Britney Spears thing. Big it up, big it up.

Karl: Yeah, it’s good.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: No, tell us, what is it?

Karl: Oh yeah, it’s uh… Mark B & Blade, the vocals of “The Unknown,” over Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”

Steve: Let’s hear it.

Ricky: Play it.

Steve: It’s highly illegal.

Song: Mark B and Blade - The Unknown, Baby (One More Time)

A Couple Of Lads At Our School Had Really Big Heads

Ricky: Go on, then. Back-announce it, Karl, it’s yours. Go on.

Karl: That’s uh Mark B & Blade there, with a bootleg.

Ricky: And what’s it called, you called it summat, haven’t you, you cleverly called it something, what did you call it?

Karl: Uhm…

Sheet of paper rustles

Steve lets out sharp laugh

Karl: "Nick This Record One More Time."

Ricky: Good. Very good.

Steve: Karl Perking—Pilkington there breaking all kinds of copyright rules.

Ricky: Now… coming up we’re gonna be talking a little bit of feng shui, the art of moving things around so it’s better.

Steve: (in breathy voice) The ancient Oriental art of rearranging your living room.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (in breathy voice) The ancient art of don’t sit near a window…

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: (in breathy voice) …’cause you won’t get any money for it.

Steve laughs

Ricky: And we’ve got a li—we’ve got a book…

Steve: We’ll we’ve been exploring feng shui for our own amusement.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. And uh we’re gonna be reading some uh great things.

Steve: This is just good ad—good solid feng shui advice for…

Ricky: I mean, what do you need to know? I mean, just keep those questions coming to us—if you have any question for Karl, don’t forget, that’s an ongoing thing. Anything in the world, any question, personal problems, philosophies on li—it can be out of the… just ask Karl, if you want, you know, just ask Karl. Okay? All right? Karl, you’re up for that, aren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah, that’s alright.

Ricky: And you’ll give your honest opinion, won’t ya, always.

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Should we give away uh Doh Nutters?

Ricky: Oh it’s, it’s wo—it’s been won, who’s won it, Karl?

Karl: Scott, ahm… Hammond.

Ricky: Well done.

Steve: Well done, Scott.

Ricky: He’ll be loving that. He’s probably gonna have a party especially to play Doh Nutters.

Steve: We’ve had a number of right answers but I’m afraid Scott’s the winner, and the question of course was which famous American comedian was heavily involved in the production of the film “The Elephant Man.” It was of course Mel Brooks.

Ricky: Surprising.

Steve: And uh he’s got comical Brooks films…

Ricky: Our first uh… first person that called in, I think was a bit confused, he said, “Is it testicle, testicles?”

Steve: Yeah. Yep.

Ricky: He went, “What?” … He went—he said, “Testicles?”

Karl: What was that illness years ago, right?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: There was uhm a couple of lads at our school.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Had really big heads.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Right.

Karl: And webbed fingers.

Steve: And webbed fingers?

Karl: And…

Ricky: Sorry, wait a minute. Were the—hold on, did you find them in a pond, did they used to be little tadpoles?

Steve: Karl, you’re not confusing your past with an old episode of “Dr. Who,” are you?

Ricky burts out laughing

Ricky: What were they called, these two?

Karl: Aw, I ca—I didn’t mix with them.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It was just like…

Ricky: ‘Course not.

Karl: …there was a—nobody thought anything of it at school ‘cause it was like…

Steve: No. Sure.

Karl: …we were used to it…

Ricky: Yeah! It’s the north.

Steve: There goes the creature from the black lagoon again.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! He’s late…

Steve: He’s brilliant at trigonometry.

Ricky: He’s late for double maths.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But uhm… yeah, I didn’t think anything of it.

Ricky: What is it called? What is the disease called where two fellas—are they…

Karl: Not even related.

Ricky: Rubbish!

Karl: Not related.

Ricky: There’s—were you near a nuclear power station when you were growing up?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: You weren’t really?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: (whispers) God, that explains some…

Steve: It’s just got a bit heavy.

Karl: Maybe that’s it.

Steve: Hey, talking of uh enormous heads…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You were at the uh the “Pop Idol” final, weren’t you, Rick, you went in there just ‘cause you, obviously Rick’s a huge fan of “Pop Idol,” he really wanted to be there, he wanted to give it support.

Ricky: Quite seriously, there was no irony there, we were having a great time…

Steve: Yeah, he genuinely is a fan of it. And ahm he was, you sort of had photos taken with various people…

Ricky: Yeah, of course.

Steve: …’cause you were a bit drunk and you wanted to have a memento of it, there’s a picture of you with fat man Rik Waller.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: But the best one is a picture of Ricky and his girlfriend with Dr. Fox. Whose head…

Ricky: Is twice the size of mine.

Steve: Of any other head, it’s quite remarkable, I don’t know how he…

Ricky: He’s a lovely bloke, and it was really nice to meet him and everything, but in the—he’s got, he looks like—an immaculate tan and he’s always happy, and he’s, you know, he’s really good…

Steve: It looks in the picture, it looks like someone you might see in a carnival who’s built a huge papier mâché head.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s more like Frank Sidebottom just walking down the road. It’s just incredible.

Ricky: Dr. Fox didn’t used to go to your school, did he, used to hang around with a mate, they were great swimmers.

Steve laughs

Ricky: They were brilliant swimmers. Oh God.

Steve: Have we got another song lined up?

Ricky: Yeah. What were you gonna play?

Karl: Bit of Pharoahe Monch.

Ricky and Steve: Bit of who?

Karl: Pharoahe Monch.

Steve: Let’s hear it.

Song: Pharoahe Monch – Got Ya

Think Before You Place Your Frog

Song: Pharaohe Monch – Got Ya

Ricky: Pharaohe Monch. “Got Ya,” Xfm 104.9. Well, as we promised, some feng shui. Uhm, what do you want to know? Ratio of win—it’s a, it’s a little—it’s one of those little books you see at the sort of like the front desk of like Waterstone’s or Dylan’s or one of those things. And it’s just a, it’s a little guide, it’s uhm… ah should I say what it is? I’m allo—I’m allowed, aren’t I?

Steve: Yeah, you may as well.

Ricky: Lillian Too’s Little Book of uhm… Feng Shui and uh… obviously she can’t go into it in-depth but you get some little… you know.

Steve: Just some little sort of nuggets, I suppose.

Ricky: Yeah, ratio of windows, “The ratio of windows to doors in your rooms should not exceed 3-to-1. Too many windows cause all your luck to seep away.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Obviously. Hello! Ah, “It is also better not to have windows on the wall opposite the door…”

Steve: Is that the case in your place, uh, Karl, ‘cause you may need to, you may have to brick that up when you get back later.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: I always remember ahm… I used to work nights.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Right? And it was when me brother just sort of got kicked out of the army…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And me mum and dad went away on holiday so he was staying with us.

Ricky: He’s gotta write a book, this bloke. You’ve got to write a book, Karl. Go on.

Karl: I came back…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And there was women everywhere. There’s women in every bed in the house. I thought, “Where am I gonna sleep?”

Steve: Had he set up a brothel, what…?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: So… nah, he was a, he was just a bit of a one.

Steve: That’s impressive, though, a girl in every single bed, I mean—

Karl: Right so—he was mad, so uhm… I slept in the sofa downstairs…

Steve: Mm.

Karl: And I didn’t sleep that well.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But I’d slept on it before when it was facing a different way.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And I had a good sleep.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: So…

Steve: So for you that’s proved the worth of feng shui.

Karl: Yeah, I think there’s something in it.

Ricky laughs softly

Steve: Did you honestly think there’s something in it, though?

Karl: Yeah I do, yeah.

Steve: Okay, well, just read a few of the others, Rick.

Ricky: Okay, well there’s a whole… it’s, it’s, it’s not—I don’t—I think most people know this one, “Display the three-legged frog for luck.” Uhm… “Look for a three-legged frog. You can buy one from any Chinese supermarket…”

Steve laughs

Ricky: …uh, “and place it in the vicinity of your front door, facing inwards as if it has just come into the house—don’t place the frog facing the door!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Please!

Steve: Come on, people!

Ricky: What--

Steve: Think before you place your frog.

Ricky: I mean… this, this really is… I mea—but, but…

Karl: What’s the last page, ‘cause that’ll be the most important one.

Ricky: Do you reckon?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: The last one, I, I…

Ricky: Ah… the wealth vase, “Make a wealth vase and keep it hidden in your cupboard. It can be made of gold, crystal or gla--,” if, I, can I just say summat, if you’ve got a vase made of gold, you’re probably alright for money anyway.

Steve: Yep, yep. Sure.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: But this is the wealth vase, how do you make the wealth vase?

Ricky: “Fill it with semi-precious stones and with soil taken from a rich man’s garden.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: So just find the soil of a rich man.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Thanks for sortin—

Ricky: This is like bury a piece of steak and the wart will go.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Eye, eye of… tooth of frog. This is—

Steve: Is the one there with the gods, can you find that one?

Ricky: Oh, where’s that one, yeah, I’ll—

Steve: Do you, do you, what do you make of feng shui, Karl?

Karl: I think it’s uh…

Steve: Is it summat you believe in?

Karl: Well like I said I didn’t sleep well on the sofa when it was facing the wrong—

Steve: So for you that’s proof, proof positive.

Karl: Yeah. Gotta get it right, don’t ya?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Ahm, I’d like Karl to read this out.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Do you, do you mind? Read it out. Just read it out loud.

Steve: (Off-mic) Which one?

Ricky: Yeah, the gods, they’re here, right, right? Okay?

Steve: Just read that out, it’s ju—a good bit—

Karl: “Invite the gods…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “…of wealth into your home.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “The Chinese have several gods of wealth…”

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: “…which they display in their homes to attract…” What? “Prospererity.”

Ricky: Prosperity.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Yeah. “My personal favorite… is Tee-sia Chi Yee…”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “…who sits on a tiger…”

Ricky chuckles

Steve: He sits on a tiger?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It’s pretty difficult to find this, this fella.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: “If you could use Kan Kung… or the three star gods”—aww, no.

Ricky: Read ‘em out!

Steve: Read out the names of the star gods.

Karl: F-u-k.

Ricky: Read it out! Just read it, it’s—

Steve: He’s a god, he’s a god, he’s a Chinese god.

Ricky: It’s a Chinese god, you’re allowed to say a Chinese god on the radio.

Karl: No, no.

Ricky: You are allowed to say—

Karl: Why do I have to say it? You say it then.

Ricky: Well, it, you, look—you’re so immature.

Steve: Read the three of them out, Rick.

Ricky: Okay. Ahm… “If he is difficult to find, you should use Kwan Kung, or the three star gods, Fuk, Luk and Sau, all of whom bring wealth and prosperity.”

Steve: Now what were the names of the gods again? ‘Cause I just, I wanna—if I’m making a note of it at home, Rick, I better…

Ricky: He’s just, he’s a Chinese god.

Steve: Yeah, it’s, there’s Kwan Kun, or you can use Luk, Sau or…

Karl coughs

Karl: You can’t, Steve.

Steve: What? But it’s a god, F-u-k, that’s how, that’s how it’s pronounced.

Ricky: Yeah, I assume, I don’t know, if we, if we’re pronouncing it wrong I really apologize.

Steve: Apologies. Apologies, if there’s, if we’re offending anyone who’s of an Oriental persuasion. But that’s Kwan Kun, or Luk, Sau or Fuk.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: And any of those gods are available at a Chinese supermarket.

Ricky: Near you.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: That’s feng shui.

Song starts playing

Steve: It’s an ancient art, you can’t—don’t give me that look… (mic fades out)

Song: Clinic – Walking with Thee

It's The Methane

Song: Clinic – Walking with Thee

Ricky: Clinic. “Walking with Thee.” Uhm, so there, that’s uh feng shui.

Steve: That’s feng shui sorted.

Ricky: We’ve given away Doh Nutters, we talked a little bit about… ahm… band names today, we’ve more insight into Karl’s… psyche…

Steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

Ricky: Now you, you uh… during that record you said uh… how we knock everything.

Karl: (off-mic) Uhm.

Ricky: You saw summat about the Bermuda Triangle, didn’t ya, the…

Karl: Yeah when I talked about ghosts you sort of just ah… ‘cause you don’t believe in it.

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: I think it’s ‘cause you’re scared of it, to be honest, and you can’t admit to…

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …to understanding it and…

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: …to believing in it.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Thing on last night, Steve.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Bermuda Triangle.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Karl: Do you know much about that?

Steve: Ahm, mainly the uh song…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …by what was his name?

Ricky: What’s his name?

Ricky and Steve: (singing) "Bermuda Triangle…"

Steve: (singing) "Where people disappear."

Karl says name of singer off-mic

Ricky: No. No.

Steve: (singing) "Bermuda Triangle…"

Ricky: No. What’s his name? No!

Steve: Barry…

Ricky: Barry Manilow.

Steve: Barry Manilow.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Do y—are you familiar with the lyrics? (singing) “Bermuda Triangle, where people disappear/Bermuda Triangle, don’t go near.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You shouldn’t really make a joke out of it.

Steve: No, you’re right, go on.

Karl: But uhm… what it is, right, there’s a program sayin’ what it, what it’s about—do y—I mean, what do you know about it?

Steve: Uh as I say, mainly from what Barry’s told me but uh certainly planes and various boats have gone missing within that Bermuda Triangle.

Karl: Planes?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, but obviously that documentary didn’t explore that.

Ricky: He le—he le—he learned a lot about that from the—I learned about American history through “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel.

Steve: Again most of my knowledge of uhm the uh sort of, you know, czarist Russia comes from “Rasputin”…

Ricky: “Rasputin,” by Boney M. Yeah.

Karl: Listen…

Ricky: He was the lover of the Russian queen.

Steve: They put some poison into his wine.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. They shot ‘im ‘til he was dead.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Which is… you know. Go on.

Karl: Right. Well this, right…

Ricky: (in Russian accent) Ohhh, thooose Russians.

Karl: …sort of a… bit of a, bit of an earthqu—earthquake in the sea…

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: …lets out methane gas, okay…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …and apparently, if methane gas, if you were swimming out in the sea…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …and there was like an earthquake and some methane came out…

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: …you can’t swim in it, you just sink.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Even if you’re a good swimmer…

Ricky: What ha—what ha—what happens if your, your, your two lads from your school, and they were—

Karl: With big heads.

Ricky: Yeah, that, that’s a, that’s like a buoy…

Karl: Doesn’t work. No no no.

Ricky: …you could see them a mile off and their webbed hands would get ‘em into shore.

Karl: Because they did actually say even if you’re wearing a lifejacket, if, if the water’s full of methane, right…

Ricky: You just sink.

Karl: …you just sink. So what it’s saying is, boats have gone across the sea…

Steve: Mm.

Karl: …got a load of methane in the sea, and the boat just sinks.

Ricky: Right. What about the planes?

Karl: Is it them sort of planes with little sort of floaty things or…

Steve: Could be.

Karl: That, that would be the sort, they’ve landed in the sea…

Steve: Right.

Ricky chuckles

Karl: …and methane’s come up…

Ricky: Woah. Sorry, Karl, what did the documentary say, not, not, “I imagine…”

Steve: Yeah, your hypothesis might be…

Ricky: Yeah. What did they say in the documentary—

Karl: They didn’t talk about that bit—

Steve: They didn’t cover the planes.

Ricky: They didn’t do the planes.

Karl: Something else they said about it, though.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Loch Ness…

Steve: Mm hm.

Karl: …the monster…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: …probably doesn’t exist.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Hmm.

Karl: What it is…

Ricky: Interesting—hold on, interesting.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Oh, interesting!

Karl: It’s—

Ricky: Oh, they thought it—no, it’s—probably didn’t exist.

Steve: Curious viewpoint.

Ricky: Hold on, what, what proof have they got for that, Karl? How can they go around saying stupid things like thaaaat…?

Karl: It’s methane…

Ricky: Right.

Steve: In Loch Ness.

Karl: …and people have seen, ahm… what’s the, what’s the lake… it’s in?

Ricky and Steve: Loch Ness.

Karl: Yeah? Ahm…

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: It being the Loch Ness monster.

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky: That’s where it lives, that’s how it finds its way home.

Steve: That’s certainly, that’s certainly the clue.

Karl: You’re never gonna learn…

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Again, Karl, that’s the clue.

Ricky: Yeah. It’s the clue. And it’s, i—i—if it’s out wandering it goes, (in Scottish accent) “E—excuse me, would you know where uh… I’m being the Loch Ness monster, where, where would I be going?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) “Oh, you be going to the Loch Ness if that’s your home. It’s way over there, you big monster you.”

Karl: So the bubbles…

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: …from the methane…

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: …bubble up out the water…

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: …people think, “Oh God. It’s a monster’s head.” But it’s not, it’s just water sort of shootin’ up because of the bubbles.

Steve: Well that’s two of the great mysteries of the universe solved by Karl P on a, on a Saturday afternoon.

Ricky: That is fantastic.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: So… that makes me, that makes me think… a lot of things. So you know about mediums that sort of like go, “Oh, I’ve got summat coming through…”

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Do you think they are… exhaling a lot of methane gas? Thus… thus making them not think straight? Do you think everything’s down to methane gas, do you think that all of the mysteries of the universe are down to methane gas, Karl? What did it say in the documentary you saw?

Karl: About what?

Ricky: What—was the budgie happy? We know—that budgie was sad, was it, was it in a room—‘cause they used to take canaries down the mines, didn’t they? They used to take canaries down the mines, they’d smell the methane, and then the budgie would be happy.

Long pause

Karl: I’m not gonna teach you anymore.

Ricky: Play a record.

Song: Beatles – The Long and Winding Road

Ricky: Oh should I… should introduce this, shouldn’t I?

Karl: Go on.

Song stops abruptly

Ricky: Well it’s… Beatles. “Long and Winding Road.”

Steve: Smooth.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Song starts again from beginning

Steve: Are we getting paid for this?

I Seem To Have Lost My Way

Song: Sugababes – Are Freaks Electric?

Ricky: “Are Freaks Electric?” Richard X and the Sugababes, on Xfm 104.9, well… nearly through, we’ve had a few laughs again…

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: …a few tears…

Steve: Absolutely, as always.

Ricky: …few of that… (in Scottish accent) Oh, excuse me. Do—don’t be alarmed, I, I look quite frightening but I’m merely a Ness monster. I seem to have lost my way home. Could you direct me in the right direction?

Steve: Uh, nice to meet you, yeah, Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: Hi.

Steve: Uhm… what’s your name?

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) Why do you need to know my name?

Steve: Well it might help me to find out where you come from.

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) Oh, my name’s the Loch Ness monster.

Steve: Okay, alright. Give me a second.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Uhm… what was your name again?

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) Loch Ness monster.

Karl: See, this is what I mean.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Karl: When you came in, you were all over me… like a rash…

Ricky laughs

Steve: Being nice to you.

Karl: Yeah. Gets towards the end, you get nasty.

Ricky: It’s the phone. Answer it. See who it is.

Karl talks to caller off-mic

Steve: Can you give us a second, uh, listeners, just amuse yourselves for a moment…

Ricky: (off-mic) Who is it?

Steve: He’s speaking to uh, Karl’s just on the phone there speaking to someone. (whispers) We’ll just uh keep you abreast of who that is.

Ricky: (off-mic) Who is it?

Steve: (whispers) Take a look at what time it is, it’s ten to three.

Karl: (off-mic) There’s a listener who wants to know if you’re doing a live show somewhere tonight.

Steve: (whispers) It’s ah just a private call now…

Ricky: Uhm…

Steve: (whispers) …asking Ricky if he’ll be performing later.

Ricky: I am, yeah. But I don’t—I don’t want to say it now…

Steve: (whispers) Ricky of course has appeared recently on television as David Brent in the hit sit-comedy “Office”…

Ricky: Uhm… I, I, well, I don’t mind one person, but I don’t want to give it out on air.

Karl talks to caller off-mic

Steve: (whispers) …and uh often performs live at different venues around the country.

Ricky: Yep. Okay.

Steve: (in loud whisper) So while those two take care of business…

Ricky laughs

Steve: Alright guys, have you finished that private call?

Karl: That was a mess.

Steve: Jeez! That was outrageous… uhm you know you’re a fan of feng shui, Karl, and you believe it’s all true. Uhm I just—let’s run this one past you just in the off chance…

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Maybe you’ll change your opinion slightly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Feng shui teaches you to use your environment wisely.”

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: “If your land and the surrounding area is undulating, it’s said to house auspicious dragons.”

Ricky chuckles

Steve: “When land is flat and featureless, the dragon is missing and the land is said to be less auspicious.”

Ricky: (in accent similar to previously used Scottish accent) Excuse me, they call me the uh… Brixton dragon.

Steve: Sure. Sure.

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) I seem to have lost my way, I know that’s south of London somewhere but uh… could you help me find my home?

Steve: Wh-wh-what’s your name?

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) Well they call me the Brixton dragon.

Steve: Right. Where are you from?

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) Ah… oh, I see what you mean.

Steve laughs

Ricky: (in Scottish accent) Aye! I see what you mean, aye.

Steve: The K-man, so does that, does that, does that make you query it at all, the dragon…?

Karl: I’m not into it that much.

Steve: Right, sure.

Karl: I’m just saying that if you had your head at one end of the bed rather than the other it might make a difference to your night’s sleep.

Steve: It’s not so much feng shui, though, is it, as sort of good advice. Generally. When you went home—

Ricky: Don’t, don’t, don’t sleep… on the end of a spike near a cliff.

Steve: Good advice.

Ricky: I mean, tha—that’s good advice, isn’t it? Know what I mean?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: When you went home and uh the house was full of women…

Ricky chuckles

Steve: …why did you, why did you sleep on the sofa? Why did you not pop upstairs and sort of…

Karl: Into a warm bed?

Steve: Yeah, with a, with a, with a woman.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Were, were they dressed or…? Does your brother still sort of have those kind of parties or…?

Karl: I haven’t seen him for years.

Steve: Sure. Sure. Sure.

Ricky: What’s his—

Steve: Where’s he living now?

Karl: I don’t know.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: What’s his name?

Karl: Mark.

Ricky: He’s not, he’s no—he’s not known as like Moss Side Mark…

Steve: ‘Cause that could be a clue.

Ricky: …or… “10 Dawlish Road” Mark.

Karl: He’s never out of prison long enough to get a nickname.

Steve: Eh?

Ricky: Alright, steady on, it’s gettin’ a bit heavy, innit?

Steve: God! Is this, is this what’s motivated a lot of your anxiety?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: We always—

Steve: The hair loss, that sort of thing?

Ricky: We always go a little bit too far, don’t we?

Steve: A little bit dark at the end of the show.

Ricky: I know. Well, so uhm…

Steve sighs

Ricky: Sorry about that.

Karl: We’ll do a request then for Pete.

Ricky: Oh, Pete wanted a little bit of Muse. Yeah, if Pete wants it—I mean I’m not a big fan—I don’t mind Muse. I’ve still not got over them doing that… uhm “Summertime” song, what was it called?

Steve: Nina Simone cover, wasn’t it.

Ricky: Eh.

Steve: Anyway, let’s not bring the show down…

Ricky: No.

Steve: …and let’s play Muse and then we’re pretty much finished.

Ricky: For Pete from South Kensington. “Plug in Baby.”

Steve: Let’s enjoy it.

Song: Muse – Plug in Baby