Karl Pilkington Quotes By Topic

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What am I thinking?

This a collection of opinions and quotes from Karl Pilkington listed by topic.

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Aesop's Fables

"That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Two

Ageing

"By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

"All I'm saying is that old people need to be old people. You need oldness. You need to see old people. You need to go "Right, they might have a solution they've been on the earth longer. Quick, we need an answer. How old are yer? - I'm 32 - Well you look 78!" "
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Four

Art

"Stop looking at the walls, look out the window."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode One

Bible

"If anythin', like I said, he didn't do us a favour, he saved too much. You can't move out there for stuff" (Referring to Noah saving every animal)
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Five

"If I was him (Noah), I would have gone, "Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown", have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin'"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Five

Biology

"You know how they say people have six senses? There's loads more than that. [The ability to feel someone looking at you], that's been around since man and dinosaur were knockin' about."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

"We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

On identical twins - "You always get a little snidey one."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode One

On dopplegangers - "How would I know which one I was?"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode One

On dopplegangers - "No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go "Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger." "
-Podcast Series 2, Episode One

"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Six

"At some point, somethin has had it away with a leaf" [Karl's explanation of an insect which has evolved to look like a leaf to protect itself from prey]
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

Karl's diary - "Woke up at 9.55am. Soon as I woke up, I looked at Suzanne and she looked at me. I said, "Did I tell you about the immune system?" Suzanne starting laughing, I said it's amazing. She said, "Not now." "
-Podcast - Bonus Disc

"He got hot, he got so hot his lips fell off."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

Karl: "I came up with a good idea....see through skin"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Five

"I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff."
-Fame Souvenir Program Podcast

Calendars

(On Ricky asking him to do a diary next year)"No I wouldn't, you know, cos you do the same stuff ever year don't ya? It's set up the same way: January, February it's the same thing, it's the same routine"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"It's just easier to put stuff off once we've got this calendar, whereas if we didnt have a date you'd have to do everythin' straight away"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"You get nothin' done by plannin'"

"Say if I was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, it's dangerous, if we didn't have a calendar we'd go 'erm let's do it now then.' Whereas cos we've got a calendar it's easy to say...'next Wednesday'"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"I wouldn't put a date on that pancake day anyway, just av 'em when you want, have it when you want. There's no big deal. You've got to make 'em yourself, it's not like some place is openin' to do it. Have em when you want. I don't know why that's got a special day on it,sickofit"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

Christmas

"As long as you're rememberin' baby Jesus, does it matter when you're rememberin' 'im"[Karl on how he hates Christmas being the same date each year]
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it; December 25th"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3 Christmas

Food

"I could eat a knob at night."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

"But hummus. When did that happen?...but there's a restaurant down the road that that's all they do. That is isn't a proper meal, that's a side-order innit? That's like having a restaurant just floggin' tomato ketchup. Hummus isn't a meal. They don't even try and kid ya to get you in to flog you just hummus, they actually say "Oh it's hummus today." Not gonna work, they shut down within a month."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Two

Hypothetical: Shipwrecked and eating a penis- "...I'll look for something else. We're surrounded by water. Why are we eating knob?"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

"Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Five

"Whether it's a potoato or a nut, it's a foodage!"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Four

On cutting open avocados- "It's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts."
- The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3 Christmas

Karl's Diary - "Read about a pub which is gettin some stick cos its stopped a horse goin in. Its been the horse' regular for ages, but some new owners have taken over the pub and they said their servin fresh food and dont want a horse in there anymore"

The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

Life

"I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Two

"I'm just sayin', I don't like fun"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

"You can be an ugly baby and everyone goes "awww innit nice?" There was some women in a cafe the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I dont know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I dont know what kept me from sayin' it."
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 1 Halloween

"Just been into the zoo, 'avin a look round an that. Went into the, er, into the aquarium. Mental, the amount of fish that are knockin' about"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

"You don't get anything done by planning"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3 Christmas"

"My auntie Nora right, all her food is mashed. She's got teeth but she don't need 'em" [Karl on how his auntie blends her food and never uses her teeth]
-Podcast Series 3, Episode three

"I think some bacteria have better lives than that" [Karls interpretation on the life of an innuit]
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Five

"What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Four

"Yeah but everyone was a saint years ago, that seemed to be thrown about back then. Who's a saint now, in this year, who's a saint? And yet this guy, lived in a hut in the woods, 'oh yeah that's Saint John or whatever.' He wasn't a saint, he did nothin" [Karl arguing with Steve and Ricky about Russain artifacts containing a portrait of a Russain Saint]
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Five

"That impressess me more, inventin' electricity"[Talking about Benjamin Franklin]
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Four

"It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that."
-Xfm Show, 29 November 2003

"The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?"
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3: Christmas

"You won't get anything done by planning."
-The Podfather Trilogy , Episode 3: Christmas

Little People

"I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Six

On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- "The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Six

Medicine

On seeing an ultrasound picture- "It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a dis."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Two

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

Monkeys

"So you're sayin that it's easy to send somat up to space, but you don't believe there's a little, um, banana machine"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

"Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out. "
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

Nature

"So I was watchin David Attenborough.. he makes his money out of flies and that dun' he"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

"At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

"It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

"I could eat a knob at night."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

On jellyfish - "They are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Two

On seals - "Its between a fish and a dog."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

"At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Four

On chameleons - "Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Four

On octopuses - "When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Six

"I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'." - Karl tells Ricky his response to being poisoned by an octopus.
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Six

"In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Two

"Flies used to be happy-go-lucky, on their own; the sun’s out, have a fly about. Now, there’s little attacks going on."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Four

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it tight?"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

"A dog has got human eyes."
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

"I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut"
-The Podfather Trilogy, Episode 2 Thanksgiving

"I saw a cockroach playing Pacman. It was on the internet, right, and somebody had linked up a cockroach to err... to some... I can't even be bothered explaining it, but that's what I'm saying - everything is moving on"
-"The Podfather Trilogy, Episode 3 Christmas"

"I will not be lickin a frog, so there's nothin' to worry about"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode four

"I've been watchin birds more than insects recently, and the thing I've found with pigeons is: they've got wings but they walk a lot"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode three

"It would be impossible, I'd just chuck meself into the salt pot or something. I'd hate that, that would be horrible that" [Karl answering Ricky's question of how he would get Suzanne's attention in the Kitchen if he were a slug]
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Twelve

"They say the water's melting don't they"
-Xfm show 2007-04-13

Nudity

"I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

"Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get who just have like a small knob?"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

Talking about being in heaven- "It's not fair though because all them lot have been up there ages with like a chance to get a bit of sun on the body and that so they'll look alright. I'll be wandering about with underpant marks and stuff."
-Podcast - Bonus Disc

People

"Now Hilda, she was your bog standard old woman."
-"The Podfather Trilogy, Episode 1 Halloween"

"Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... chinese fella. I've never seen one of them."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Four

Powers

"Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen" [What he would do with the power of invisibility]
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Four

[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]"Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Four

Poems

Me Belly-Ache

"For god's sake, me belly-ache

The doctor said it's me kidney

He said he's got to stick a tube up me knob

I said you've gotta be kidding me

For god's sake, knob-ache"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

Me Ward

Me, a Chinese fella, and an old bloke who looked like Mr. Burns from 'The Simpsons'

Don't know what was wrong with im, but brakin' wind was the symptoms

No one visited him or called him; he seemed quite lost to me

As well as wind problems, he had a colostomy

When I left, I said 'See ya' to the old man

Turns out the other fellow wasn't Chinese, he was from Japan
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Six

Jellyfish

It would be spiteful to put jellyfish in a trifle.
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

My Bad Day

Bubbled wall paper, what a mess

Washer dryer knackered, what a mess

Siamese twins separated, one legs less
-Podcast Series 3, Episode two

"I don't like jellyfish.

They're not a fish, they're just a blob.

They don't have eyes, fins or scales like a cod.

They float about blind, stinging people in the seas.

And noone eats jellyfish with chips and mushey peas.

Get rid of them."

-Podcast Series 3, Episode Three

Sayings

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later" - Karl interprets the phrase "Waste not, want not".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Four

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about." - Karl interprets the phrase "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Six

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" - Karl invents his own phrase based on "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Six

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Six

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad" - Karl re-evaluates the phrase "A stitch in time saves nine".
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Seven

"A stitch in five saves fifteen or whatever" - Another re-evaluation by Karl of the phrase 'A stitch in time saves nine'
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Seven

"The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it".
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Five

"Treat the world like a head".
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Five

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge."
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Six

Mystery

"Could the world fall?"
-Podcast Series 2, Episode Three

Sex

"It serves a purpose."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go "alright? Hows it going?". You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out."
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Three

On homosexuals- "They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

On homosexuals- "I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that"
- Video Podcast 5

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Two

Stephen Merchant

Main article: Karl vs. Steve

"I was walking home the other night, and I was thinking about it, and do you worry that when you're old you will be on your own?"
-10 November 2001

On Steve's dancing ability- "er, it's just like a bit of weird art"
-Podcast Series 3, Episode Four

"Like I say, the first time I saw Steve I was never havin' a go, it was just, 'oh that's different' but you know, Steve, I was never havin' a go, it's just that thing, 'oh right interesting'"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Six

Technology

"We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about"
-Podcast Series 1, Episode One

"Just pop it on your wrist." - Ricky asks Karl how his 'invention' of a watch that counts down your life would actually work.
-Podcast Series 1, Episode Five

Travel

"I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2