31 August 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 31 August 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

In the Beginning

Ricky: Back to form there - Oasis and Little By Little. This is Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, who are you?

Steve: Er, my name's Steve Merchant, good to see you.

Ricky: Thanks. Er, with us, er, the producer in the studio is Karl Pilkington. And he'll be doing the m-buttons...

Steve: Yeah? You made a good effort there...

Ricky laughs

Steve: But er, once again...

Ricky: Got bored.

Steve: Words are your enemy Rick, and they defeated you once again.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Just ran out of steam with the sentences.

Ricky: Ohh, every week I think right, I'm really gonna make an effort now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'm gonna, I've, I've chosen some records...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That's it.

Steve: That's it. That's as far as it goes isn't it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Maybe you should write out what you're gonna say at the top of the show?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Write that out. Get a nice big crayon.

Ricky: No, I like to keep a little bit of...

Ricky clicks his fingers

Ricky: You know.

Steve: Little bit of sumin'. Little bit of spark. Little bit of liveliness to it, sure.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How are you? Good, good to see you

Ricky: Yeah, great. It's great to be er...

Steve: It's great to be out

Ricky laughs

Steve: Out of the house again.

Ricky: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just, erm, I was going to say because we've been doing this for a long time now with a little break, erm, but XFM are bringing new listeners all the time. I've heard four or five a week.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wow, man alive.

Ricky: New listeners tune in to XFM 104.9.

Steve: Radio 1 beware!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, we might take it for granted that people that know who we are, know who you are, know who Karl is.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Um.

Steve: Old listeners, certainly.

Ricky: Now, if, if, if you, you know, if you're a regular then you know exactly who we are. But, erm, for those of you who don't, uh, I'll say I'm, I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Ricky Gervais, BAFTA-award winning actor and, uh--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And writer.

Ricky: Steve Merchant, erm, all those.

Steve: Friend of yours.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And, this is the important thing, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Our, erm, produ-- I say producer. He was the bloke who was lumbered with the job. When I said, "Listen--" See I used to run the desk in the old days when I was working for XFM, I used to press the buttons and run the desk and everything. And then I said, "Listen, I've been on the telly, I do not press my own buttons." And Karl said, "Well, I don't really work weekends." And they went, "Well, you do if you want to keep your job."

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: And we were lumbered with him. And then we discovered that he's not just a, a little, like a little dork. A little Manc-y, sort of, idiot.

Steve: Sure. Sure.

Ricky: He's got, he's got a nice shirt. He's got, you know what I mean? He's got something else.

Steve: Absolutely. He brings another dimension, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. And, uh, he, he started having a little chat and we discovered--

Steve: We both love him.

Ricky: That he had quite a lot to say.

Steve: Mm. Well I, I think you're absolutely right and I think, um- I was wondering maybe we should maybe play another tune. But after that, I just think we should refamiliarize our radio audience with Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And any new listeners, just get- let, somehow, kind of let them get to know the real Karl again.

Ricky: Well if you are new, you'll, you'll find that we like some old songs, some new songs, some chitter-chat. Uh, we get serious sometimes.

Steve: Oh yeah.

Ricky: There's some tears and some laughter.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We kicked off with Oasis's new one, "Little by Little". We're going to go back in time now to Iggy Pop and his Stooges with "I'm Bored."

Song: Iggy Pop - I'm Bored

Q & A

Ricky: Iggy Pop, "I'm Bored" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Steve Merchant here.

Ricky: Yeah. Little Karl Pilkington. Well, to reintroduce or introduce people to the first time to Karl, um, I think we should have a--

Steve: Yeah, maybe sort of a, kind of, a quick Q&A Karl, and we don't need, sort of, lengthy answers from you. We don't need lots of detail. Uh, you know, it can be a, just a couple of sentences--

Ricky: Just to get a flavor of who you are.

Steve: To answer these questions. Yeah, so firstly, name obviously Karl Pilkington. Age, Karl?

Karl: I'll be, uh, I'll be thirty next month.

Steve: Really?

Karl: This month. No next, wha- where are we?

Ricky and Steve burst into laughter

Steve: I don't think we need to ask any more questions.

Ricky: I, I don't- I think we've done it.

Steve: That's it.

Ricky: I think we've done it there.

Steve: Welcome to the world of Karl Pilkington.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I think- Oh, I thought it would take three or four questions--

Steve: I thought it was going to at least--

Ricky: To really explain what Karl is about.

Steve: Yeah, that was, that was the first question.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Oh, oh God!

Steve: Absolutely incredible. But um, but we can't really leave it there cause, um--

Ricky: No.

Steve: Because we haven't got enough else to do to fill up the two hours.

Ricky: No.

Steve: So, um, so let's pursue this line of inquiry.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, um, age? What was the age, Karl? In a couple of--

Ricky: When were you, when were you born?

Karl: I'll be, uh-- '72.

Ricky: Right, what month, what day?

Karl: I'm on the cusp.

Ricky and Steve snigger

Steve: You're on the cusp of a day?

Karl: Um, twenty-third of September.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: '72.

Steve: So anyway-- ok, alright. Good.

Ricky: And there you were talking there about, um, obviously your star sign, were you, on the cusp?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: You believe in that, do you?

Karl: No.

Ricky: You don't believe in star signs?

Karl: No, not really.

Ricky: But you do believe in ghosts, I understand.

Karl: No, because the star signs--

Ricky: The paranormal.

Karl: Yeah, but the star sign thing, you've got how many, how many different star signs are they?

Ricky: Twelve, innit?

Karl: Right, and then you've got, like, loads of people.

Ricky: Yeah. You do the math.

Karl: So they're saying that, you know, there's only twelve different sorts of people in the world.

Ricky: Exactly. That's exactly right. It's, it's made-up. It's made-up nonsense. It's non-science.

Steve: It's pseudo-science.

Ricky: It's, yes. It's, it's, it's, it's hairy-man and, um, dyed-hair-woman science.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Innit?

Steve: Alright?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway, back to you, Karl. Where were you born?

Karl: In, uh, in Manchester.

Steve: Okay. What GCSE results did you get?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: I got, uh, was it an E? Got an E in history.

Ricky: You got an E in history. And how did you find out that?

Karl: You found out.

Ricky: Cause you thought you, you didn't, you couldn't remember what you got. You didn't turn up and you thought you'd done about three, one of which wasn't history, and actually--

Karl: I knew, I knew I did art.

Ricky: Yeah, you didn't. I'm telling you didn't cause we checked. You did one. You turned up for history, you did history, you got an E in history.

Karl: No, I definitely did art. I made a little clay man.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah, you've got to register for O-levels. You don't just do it and then phone 'em up and say, "How was that?" And they go--

Steve: "I'm sending you a clay man."

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Send me a grade."

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. There's all things, there's forms to fill out and things like that, Karl.

Steve: Anyway...

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Who was your closet childhood friend?

Karl: Closest. At what age?

Steve: Well, when you were young, when you were--

Ricky: Oh, I remember this. It's a fella. Um, someone Makin, innit?

Karl: There's, there's, well he wasn't really a close mate. Darren Buckley was me--

Steve: Darren Buckley?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Tell us briefly about Darren. I'd forgotten about Darren.

Karl: He's the one who, um, all the, all the girls liked him.

Steve: Did they?

Karl: He had, uh, he had permed hair. Used to--

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: Have his hair like a footballer.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Um--

Steve: Were you jealous of him?

Karl: His dad was a copper.

Steve: Did you hang around with Darren, like, in the hope of getting of, maybe, his, kind of, castoffs?

Karl: Nah. I, I- You see, it's weird with me. I wasn't that bothered about having loads of mates an' that. I sort of--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: I had lots of mates, but I could do without 'em.

Ricky: You had a magpie, didn't you?

Karl: I was happy, I was happy playing with me magpie.

Ricky: Yeah, and what happened to him?

Karl: It, uh, flew away.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But I wasn't bothered because it was giving me grief towards the end, wasn't it. It was--

Ricky laughs

Karl: It was popping me, me Grifter tyres an' that.

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: Flying down, pecking me head.

Steve: Sure. Now you went to school with a number or different interesting people. Some of whom are freaks.

Ricky: Two of which, I understand, had big heads and webbed toes.

Steve: Is that right?

Ricky: Yet they were not related to each other and they weren't friends with each other. Why weren't they friends with each other?

Karl: Because that'd be obvious.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Did they, did they wear shoes or did they walk around in their, in their webbed, uh, feet?

Ricky: Were they good at swimming? Were they good at swimming?

Karl: Uh, I don't know. I don't they ever, ever went swimming.

Ricky: Did they ever talk, did they, did they ever look over at each other and think--

Steve: "Yeah, we should hang out more."

Ricky laughs

Karl: I told you something in the week, as well, there was another lad at school- had a pigeon chest.

Steve: He had a what?

Ricky: Can we come back to this?

Steve: He had a pigeon chest?

Ricky: I think we should play a record, Karl. Cause we, I think we've hooked them now. I think, I think--

Steve: Yeah. There's no one switching off now, Rick.

Ricky: No, play a record.

Song: Blur - Coffee & TV

Inside the Producer's Studio

Ricky: Blur, "Coffee & TV." Karl, uh- I said, "It's not the best Blur song" when it was playing, you know, I don't want to diss it, but it's not the best one, I mean, that, that's fact, you know?

Steve: Absolutely, sure.

Ricky: Karl went, "I like the video though. Had a little milk carton."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Bit sad. It's tragic, innit?" He went, and this is all to himself. I'm not even joining in. And then he went, “Yeah, but it’s alright in the end.” He goes, “He finds a little girl milk carton.” Just lives out a little thing in his- is that like you on your paper round, that little milk carton walking around like that? I imagine you…oh, people that don’t know about, if you just tuned in Karl had a paper round--

Steve: It’s his favorite job ever.

Ricky: And he maintains it’s the best job he’s ever had. Innit, Karl?

Karl starts to talk then sighs

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: I don’t know what’s so weird about that.

Steve: It’s a paper round.

Karl: Yeah, but look- forget all that.

Steve: It’s not the most fulfilling of jobs.

Karl: Look at, look at the way it works, right. You get it out of the way at the start of the day so you got the rest of the day to yourself.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Just as the same as signing on.

Karl: Your own, you’re your own boss, you know?

Ricky: Same as signing on.

Steve: Well you’re not your own boss. The guy at the news agency is your boss.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Nahhh…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: That’s great.

Steve: You’ve proven me wrong there, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s great. Nahhhhh. Yeah, nahhhhh, not really. Would that stand up in court? “Well you were found with the dagger.” “Nahhhhhhhhhh.”

Steve laughs

Steve: “Was I?”

Karl: When are we, uh, when are we playing me new game?

Ricky: Oh, Karl’s got a new game. Karl’s so excited. Oh, just--

Steve: Well we were talking about something before--

Ricky: Yeah, the freaks he used to go, the people with big heads, two webbed feet, didn’t hang around each other, that would be too obvious. Um, you had a fella with a pigeon chest.

Steve: Yeah, what’s the story with the pigeon chest?

Karl: Don’t know how it happened. It was like, it looked like somebody sort of hit him on the back with a big hammer and it had come out of the front.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I’ve never seen it since.

Steve: Could that have been the answer?

Karl: What, why his, why he had it?

Steve: Yeah, why he had it. Possibly, I suppose, in your neck of the woods.

Karl: Yeah. I dunno, I never asked him.

Steve: It’s just come back to haunt you, has it, the pigeon chest?

Karl: No, it’s just that, uh, you know, when you, when you mentioned about kids at school I forgot all about him. You’re talking about the kids with the webbed feet and the big heads and I forgot about the little, old--

Steve: Pigeon chest.

Karl: Pigeon boy.

Steve: Well listen are you- I’m a big fan of that TV show, it’s on digital TV, a lot of people won’t have it, but “Inside the Actor’s Studio” with James Lipton.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: And he interviews lots of big Hollywood stars and he always asks them these same questions at the end. Can I just run a few of ‘em past you?

Karl: Go on.

Steve: Okay. So, um, if you could do any other profession other than the one you do now, what profession would you do?

Ricky: Can you just change that to “apart from a paper round”?

Steve: Apart from a paper round?

Karl: Ooh…

Steve: You could do any other profession, Karl.

Karl: Erm, and it doesn’t matter about, like--

Steve: It doesn’t matter if you’ve got the skills or anything, in an ideal world, if you had the ability.

Karl: Well, I think I’m about to buy somewhere so I reckon something, you know, using, using tools and like doing a bit of plumbing an’ that.

Steve: So a plumber.

Karl: Well, sort of an all-rounder.

Steve: Right, right.

Steve and Ricky: A handy man.

Karl: Well, yeah, yeah. I think, you know, you don’t get paid that much, but it’s useful, innit. So--

Ricky: You could get your own show, couldn’t you, with Carol Smillie eventually?

Karl: Well, all that, but the money that you don’t make, you save by not having to pay someone else do the chores, do you know what I mean?

Ricky: Right, okay. I, I don’t know what that sentence meant.

Steve hoots

Karl: Right, right, look. A plumber, how much, how much is the average plumber on?

Ricky: The money you don’t make, you save on not getting someone else to do it. No, just think of that, no break that sentence down. Is there any--

Steve: Sorry, Rick, sorry, but, uh… people who live in glass houses.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Anyway, let’s go back to Lipton quickly. We’ve got a couple to get through here. So your favorite noise or sound?

Karl: Uh…

Steve: Favorite sound or noise?

Karl: Ooh…

Ricky: Is it me?

Karl: No.

Ricky: It’s not me?

Karl: Er, hang on a minute.

Ricky gets louder

Ricky: It’s not me? Are you sure it’s not me, Karl?

Karl: I like, I like Elvis.

Ricky: Noise. Who? Elvis?

Karl: Elvis. “In the Ghetto.”

Steve: The sound of Elvis.

Ricky: Elvis, “In the Ghetto.” Brilliant.

Steve: Okay, and your least favorite noise or sound? I don’t think it should really be records and music. Noises, things that you hear. At home or whatever.

Karl: Uhh… Maybe like the sound of a--

Steve: Least favorite noise.

Karl: Least favorite…

Steve: Sound of--

Karl: Probably, like, uh--

Steve: Sound of ghosts?

Karl: Fire engines an’ that.

Steve: Right.

Karl: That’s, that’s annoying.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Except if your house was on fire, presumably.

Karl: I think it’s a bit unnecessary.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: You think that they’re just doing it to wind people up?

Karl: I live on, like, a busy street and it’s happening all the time and it‘s, it is like… just sort of have a blast of it and people will hear it.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You don’t have to keep it going.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Karl: So that is, yeah, pretty annoying.

Steve: Okay, and, um, if Heaven exists, Karl, when you get to the Pearly gates, what would you like God to say to you as he welcomes you into Heaven? What would you like God to say to you?

Karl: Uhh…who asks these? Wha-what shows this?

Steve: It’s a program where, um, celebrities are interviewed by a guy, an American interviewer, and he always asks these questions at the very end.

Karl: What would I say to God?

Steve: What would you say to God- If you believed in Heaven and if Heaven exists, when you eventually got to Heaven and you’re welcomed in through the gates--

Ricky: Like Parker, in your stussy t-shirt and your--

Steve: Yeah, what do you want God to say to you as he welcomes you in?

Karl: Say, uh, “You alright?” Uh, dunno just be, just be friendly.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Song: The Reindeer Section- Grand Parade

The Reindeer Section

Steve: That’s The Reindeer Section.

Ricky: Beautiful.

Steve: Yeah, nice stuff. Um, it’s a kind of Scottish super-group, lots of different artists--

Ricky: Belle and Sebastian.

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: Is it the lead singer from ‘em?

Steve: It may well be, yeah, on that particular track. Different people, Mull Historical Society, Idlewild, Teenage Fanclub, different people from all those bands get together with a guy called Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol and he writes the tunes.

Ricky: And all that on XFM 104.9, Steve.

Steve: Ab-solutely. Let me just name that track, that track was “Grand Parade” from their current album, “Son of Evil Reindeer.”

Parrot's Blood

Ricky: Feeder, “Come Back Around” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. Uhh.. but who are you?

Steve: Oh, thanks for asking, Rick. Steve Merchant.

Ricky: With us, Karl Pilkington. Well, Karl, um- Now, I know I shouldn’t, but I met Karl in the week again, Steve.

Steve: I tell you you shouldn’t do this, you know you shouldn’t--

Ricky: I know, but then when he starts, he starts saying things like, “I was a (unintelligible)”, I go, “No, no. Save it, save it.” And then we just sit there and I’m scared to talk in case he comes up- But, um, you did tell me a couple of little things, didn’t ya? True stories, that are, I mean I enjoyed it. Can you tell, um, Steve the one about the doctor?

Karl: Right--

Steve: Oh God. Is this something that happened to a friend of yours, or is this a--

Karl: No, no. I read about it.

Steve: You read about it, okay.

Karl: Um…there’s this little lad, right? First of all, it’s years ago, right?

Steve: What, in olden times?

Karl: They didn’t have, they didn’t have decent doctors in, like, every town an’ that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh, this little kid, he’s dead ill, right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And the local doctor--

Ricky: Well, there’s a phone call involved so I don’t want people to get the impression that it‘s--

Karl: Well let me get to it!

Steve and Ricky: Medieval times.

Ricky: Err… yeah, but I didn’t say that, I just said it’s years ago. So this kid’s ill, right, and he’s lying in the bed and he’s all, like, all going funny color an’ that. And his mom says, “I’m gonna get the local doctor ‘round.” The local doctor comes ‘round and says, “Ooh.. Dunno, dunno what’s up with him.” He said, um, leave it with me--

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Ricky: Leave it with me.

Steve: Leave it with me. What, the doctor said that?

Karl: Yeah, he said, “I’ll, um, I’ll phone up a top doctor--”

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Who was in America, or somethin’ like that. And, uh, so he goes to the phone in his office and he calls America and cause it’s years ago, the phone line isn’t that good, it’s all crackly an’ that, alright. So he’s talking to the doctor and he’s saying, “I’ve got this kid, he’s a funny color and, uh… you know, he’s really weak an’ that.”

Steve: He’s not giving him much to go on.

Karl: So, uh, so the American doctor, right? He goes, “Yeah, what you want to do-” and it’s all breaking up, right? He goes, “What you’ve got to do, you’ve got to--”

Karl mimics a phone call breaking up

Karl: It’s all breaking up. “You’ve got to give him some, uh… parrot’s blood.” Right?

Steve: Some parrots blood?

Karl: Well, that’s what he thought he said. But the line was really bad, he meant parent’s blood, but he heard that he said “parrot’s blood.”

Steve: Oh God.

Karl: He said, “Okay, I’ll do that. Leave it to me.”

Steve: I can see where this is going.

Karl: He goes, goes to, uh, a pet shop. Said, “Give us, like, half a dozen parrots.”

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Takes ‘em around to the kid’s house. Takes the blood from the parrots, puts it in the kid, kid’s fine.

Steve: The kid’s fine?

Karl: It worked.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I’ve never heard such a load of shite in my life.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I never heard such twaddle, such, just made up enhanced, exaggerated…bollocks in my life.

Steve: What a load of old rubbish, Karl.

Ricky: I mean, when he told me this, he said the doctor said, “Well what do I do?” And the doctor on the other end said, “Give him some blood.” And the doctor went, “Where do I get blood from?”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: So, hang on--

Ricky: “Where do I get blood from?” “Get him some parent’s blood.” Give him some parent’s blood! Give him some parent’s, some parent’s blood! Yeah…

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: But hang on, I just need to know where you read this--

Ricky: Sorry, Karl, I’ve stitched you up. You know when he said, he said, “So do you believe that?” I went, “Tell it to Steve.” He went, “Do you believe it?” I went, “Tell it to Steve!” Karl…

Karl: That, that was on the internet. About illnesses.

Steve: Where is it on the internet? What, what webpage?

Karl: I was looking at stuff, I was looking at stuff this morning cause of, um, Uri Geller last night.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Eating all that funny food an’ that and also, uh- They all got a bit scared last night, didn’t they, with the snake.

Steve: I didn’t see it last night. Is this “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!”?

Karl: Yeah, yeah. Got all worried about a snake getting on the, uh, sort of wanderin’ about in between the sleeping bags an’ stuff. And, um, they were all scared and--

Ricky: Leave it with me! Sorry, the doctor says, “Leave it with me.”

Steve: Leave it with me.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, ahh….leave it with me.

Karl: Well, they were all scared cause there’s a snake and it’s so easy to find stuff out. Before they, before they- where are they? Where is this jungle?

Ricky: Australia, I think.

Karl: Fully went, give it half an hour on the internet, I found out with snakes you don’t need to worry, right? Um, they’re deaf, they don’t got any ears, so as long as you’re really quiet--

Steve: Creep around.

Karl: They’ll probably leave you alone. And also they don’t have eyelids.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Erm, so they were suggesting, if one’s coming towards you, just, like, kick sand in its eyes.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: Cause it can’t blink and it leaves it a bit, like, annoyed.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And it wanders off. But they didn’t do any research before they went.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- your, your- I think your knowledge was probably in good stead. I don’t think you need to know any more than you know. Um, well we’re going to come back to that because he also explained to me where, uh, a saying comes from that I want you to be part of. But, uh--

Steve: Oh, and also we should mention as well, Karl you’ve come up with a competition, is this right?

Karl: Brilliant competition.

Ricky: He thinks this can go to television.

Steve: Is this an idea you’ve come up with?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Karl, I’m so looking forward to it.

Ricky: So am, I mean, I’m looking forward to it. Um, continuing, uh, our exposure of myths and legends, apocryphal tale, we exposed that myth that some maybe older rockers have had it and they’ve got, they were never any good and the kids today--

Steve: Oh, I don’t want to hear that.

Ricky: People like Rod Stewart--

Steve: Rod Stewart is a great artist. He’s a slightly laughable man, but a great artist.

Ricky: Let’s got back to when it was, when he was rocking.

Steve: When he cut the mustard?

Ricky: Yeah!

Song: Rod Stewart- You Wear It Well

The Baby and the Bathwater

Ricky: Rod Stewart, “You Wear It Well.”

Steve: Great tune.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. Yeah, this doctor, I mean, we should find out who he is, really, and if he’s still practicing cause it, it worries me a little bit. That he, you know, did that. Also, I mean, he thinks he got away with it, but how could he be sure those parrots wouldn’t talk?

Steve: True, true.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? There were six of them. They probably got together, and, they prob- they probably put it on the internet.

Steve: I mean, I feel that that story, Karl, it asks more questions than it answers, really.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, like most of your stories, to be honest.

Steve: Yeah, that’s the problem. I always feel them- I always feel like I need a little more information, like did the parrot boy continue to live?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, to a ripe old age or did he die weeks later after this charlatan doctor who was going around, you know--

Ricky: Did he break his nose trying to crack a big nut?

Karl: No, I think, I think he’s, uh, he was alright. He, he lived to a--

Steve: See, I’d have shou- If I was that doctor, I would have shouted that down the phone, “Are you sure you said ‘parrot’s blood’?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Are you sure it was parrot’s blood?”

Ricky: “Listen, I-I mean, you know, I’m not the best doctor in the world, but did you say ‘parrot’s blood’?”

Steve chuckles

Karl: Yeah, but what you’re forgetting is you’re going back to the time where, like, they used leeches to do, like--

Ricky and Steve: No, no we’re not!

Ricky: We’re going back to the late ‘70s, if there’s a phone call to America direct.

Steve: C’mon Karl, they weren’t calling America, like, in the medieval times or-or in the Victorian age. Karl, think about it, Karl.

Karl: (quietly): Yeah.

Steve: You know, this has got to be, like, the, like, you know,‘30s or ‘40s at the earliest. You know?

Ricky giggles

Karl: Alright.

Steve: I’m intrigued to know where this- I think there’s someone on web who’s just putting information on there to lead you astray.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause you’re the only person who finds this stuff. Other people are using this to write theses…

Ricky: Why were you, why were you looking at that then? What were you…

Karl: I always look at weird stuff.

Ricky: What were you looking for?

Steve: But what do you type in the search engine to find ‘parrot blood’ stories?

Ricky: What were you looking for? Wha--

Karl: There was this woman with a weird head.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why were you looking for that? What were you--

Karl: Just cause I’d heard about it, I’d heard, like, someone talking about it on another station, right.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: About this woman with a, with a funny head.

Ricky: Right, I love the fact, I love the fact you’re intrigued with these things. You go into the basement of Waterstones or Dillions or somewhere and there’s these, there’s these medical books that you’ll love ‘em, mate.

Karl: Yeah, but this is free on the internet, innit? It’s all there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So what did you- you typed in ‘weird head woman’ or…

Ricky sings "Lady with head..."

Karl: Weir-weird, weird people, or something I put in.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah, did you come up?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Seven thousand hits, Karl Pilkington.

Ricky laughs

Karl: But it’s all there, innit. It’s interesting, the one that I was telling you before about, um, the what’s-her-name, the lost letter.

Steve: The lost letter. What’s this?

Karl: The lost, the lost postcard that’s, uh, just turned up. Some woman sent a postcard years and years ago to her niece or something and her niece was, like, three years old back then. And just now, like, I think, like, yesterday or the day before it turned up, the postcard turned up seventy-four years late.

Steve: Seventy-four years late?

Karl: It took seventy-four years.

Steve: And that three year old girl has been living in the same house that whole time.

Karl: Well, yeah.

Ricky laughs

Karl: There’s nowt weird about that.

Ricky: You see what we mean when there’s always a question you can ask to just scratch the credibility of these stories. There’s always- it’s like the apocryphal tale--

Steve: Was this the slugs? Was this those slugs from last week? That were stealing--

Ricky: Yeah. Cause the postman slug is useless. It’s round takes him seventy four years. And then he’s got to go back to the beginning and he’s got seventy four ye- and he can’t carry the bag. That’s when they go, that’s when they turn to glue, that’s why they turn to glue.

Steve: Ohh… It’s pitiful.

Ricky: It is pitiful.

Karl: So you don’t believe that someone sent a postcard years ago and somehow it’s been stuck in the bottom of a postbag or something and it’s only just got--

Steve: Stuck in the bottom of a postbag? That means that there’s, like, a ninety-five year old postman who’s still wandering around!

Ricky: Yeah, did, did she, did she have to pay, like, the, the difference on the charges?

Karl: Uh…

Ricky: Cause presumably--

Steve: It wouldn’t have had Queen Elizabeth’s, uh--

Ricky: It was a penny black, presumably, was it?

Steve: Yeah. What would be on the stamp? It would have been invalid, surely.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I dunno.

Ricky: See these are the questions you should ask yourself.

Karl: No, no, no, no, no.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Cause if it’s the postman’s fault, the postman can’t--

Ricky: The postman--

Steve: He’s dead!

Ricky: who was eighty-three at the time, himself, wasn’t he.

Karl: No, he is dead. Yeah, he’ll be well and truly dead now.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But the fact is that the post office made an error--

Ricky chuckles

Karl: Right, they lost his letter.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: It’s only just turned up. They can’t turn around and say, “Sorry about this. I hope it isn’t urgent.”

Ricky laughs

Karl: “It’s turned up seventy-four years late and by the way, you owe us twenty-five pence.” They wouldn’t do that.

Ricky: No, that’s true, that’s true, that’s true. You’re asking questions, though, you see? That’s, that’s true, you see? So you’re interested in where saying come from, as well, aren’t you?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Cause you told me one in the week that, I don’t know if Steve’s aware of that. Do you want to tell Steve this one?

Steve: What’s this, a saying?

Karl: Can we do this quiz?

Ricky: Do this first.

Steve: We’ll do the quiz later, I know you’re excited about the quiz, let’s do that later. But what’s this saying?

Karl: Right, uh, what is this saying, “chucking a baby out with the bath water”?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know that, have you heard that phrase?

Steve: Uh, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”

Karl: Well, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right, how would you use that?

Steve: Well, uh, how would I use that, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”? I suppose if you’ve, maybe you’ve been discussing something, you’ve come up with some plans, but you’re slightly worried and, um, you know, you might abandon the whole plan where there’s might be some ideas in there that are worth retaining.

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: So you don’t want to throw the baby out--

Ricky and Steve: --with the bath water.

Ricky: There might be something that you can just change and you don’t need, yeah.

Steve: There might be a few ideas you can salvage from an otherwise worthless one.

Karl: Well, the saying, right, comes from, like, years ago again. And um--

Steve: Pre- or post-phone?

Ricky chuckles

Karl: And, uh… ages and ages ago when, like, the bloke worked in the house, you know, he was, like, the coal man. And then you had, like--

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, wait. It’s important.

Karl: Then, then, like, the man is, like, you know, “She stays at home making the dinner, looking after the kids.”

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And then you’ve got, like, the little kid who’s just growing up, just messing about an’ stuff. So, what happens is back then they didn’t have, like, fresh flowing warm water everyday.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So all they could do, they could only afford to have, like, um, one, one full big bath of fresh water. So they’d fill up their bath, right, and then the dad would come home and say, “Oh, I’ve had right, you know, I’ve had a tough day at work an’ that down at the pit.” And his wife would say, “It’s alright, I’m putting the dinner on. You go on and have a nice warm bath.”

Ricky: So, cause he, cause he get’s the bath first--

Karl: He gets the bath first cause he’s the grafter.

Ricky: And he’s covered in coal.

Karl: He’s covered in coal, so the water’s, like, minging by the time he’s finished, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then the wife says, “Oh, after all my, uh, cleaning the house and doing the cooking I’m a bit sweaty now.”

Ricky: She’s covered in dust and grime. She has the next one.

Karl: “I’ll, I’ll, I’ll have a bath.” Right? At the end of the line, there’s the little baby.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Been playing out all day. Also got, like, little grubby knees an’ stuff, needs to have a bath.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Goes in the bath, right, but because the water’s so dirty--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: They go and empty the water out of the window, can’t see the baby in it, chucking the baby out with the bath water. That’s where it comes from.

Ricky and Steve giggle

Ricky: I don’t know what to say, Steve.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Cause I heard this. I just, I’m just, I’m just- What do you think, Steve? Steve?

Steve: So… So firstly, that, that, that’s sort of, I mean, that doesn’t explain--

Ricky: Where do you start? You’re struggling, aren’t you? You’re struggling where to start.

Steve: Firstly, I can’t see how we’ve now applied this to the example I thought of earlier.

Ricky: I’ve been thinking of this, I’ve been thinking of this for days, Steve, waiting for you to hear this one.

Steve: I mean, these coal mining parents- deeply negligent.

Ricky: Yeah. I love the fact that--

Steve: They’ve left their baby in the bath, unattended.

Ricky: That’s the way ’round to do it. The one covered in coal, you go first, you go first. Don’t wash the baby and then get in that. The one covered in coal goes first, that’s the best idea. Second most dirty one goes second and then the clean little baby, I think, I think we should do him last cause he’s, he’s done nothing towards this family.

Steve: But more than that, Rick, leave him to his own devices .

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Jack, I’m just going to throw the water out--”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “In the bath.”

Ricky: “Don’t check first.”

Steve: “Have you, have you checked that the baby’s not--”

Ricky: “Don’t check! Don’t bother.”

Steve: “No, I’m not even going to waste my time checking.”

Ricky: “You’d see it, you’d see it.”

Steve: “I’d be able to see a baby.”

Ricky: “You’d see a baby in there!”

Steve: “If a baby was in here, I’d be able to see it. I’m just going to throw it out.”

Ricky: Yeah. “I’m not even going to look, to be honest, Jack. We’ve all had our bath. If the baby’s in there, then it should be making itself--”

Steve: “Be careful, Jack. We have lost three children this way.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “Don’t worry.”

Song: Supergrass - Grace begins to play

Steve: Where did you read that?

Song: Supergrass - Grace

Need More Adverts

Ricky: New single from Supergrass, “Grace” on XFM 104.9. Coming up in the next hour, Karl Pilkington’s new game show. He’s very excited about this.

Steve: I’m excited.

Ricky: I’m excited. I can’t wait.

Steve: We don’t know anything about it, but it’s going to be dynamite.

Ricky: But he, he’s told me it’s going to be a winner. He’s, you know, he said this could go to television.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Uh, I need some adverts, though.

Steve: Oh, I’d love to hear some adverts, Rick.

Ricky: Could we have just two or three minutes of adverts, please?

Steve: Please?

What's the Song?

Ricky: Vines there, Steve, on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl’s getting very excited, as we all are, about his new- should we, should we let him do a little taster for us?

Steve: Well, I’m very excited about it, I mean--

Ricky: So tell the gist of it; what is it, what is it exactly? Is it a game show or is it a competition?

Karl: It’s just, um, I just thought it’s something that, you know, you can play and also people at home, uh, could take part in it.

Steve: Now would they phone in about this or--

Karl sighs

Steve: They can just play at home while they’re listening?

Karl: They can just play at home.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Um--

Ricky: You mean, we haven’t got any prizes?

Karl: No, there isn’t.

Ricky: Now I think we could, we could get them to phone in, maybe.

Steve: Well, I don’t know. Let’s hear the game idea first.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, it’s music related.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Good.

Karl: And, um, what I do is, I sort of, uh, tell a little story.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: And that story makes up a song title.

Steve: Alright. Well, it sounds ambitious.

Karl: So, um…

Ricky: Is it a cryptic clue?

Karl: Uh, it could be. Uh, say, say like this, right?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Oh deary me. Oh deary me.

Karl: Say like this.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: This woman, right, she’s pregnant. You know the answer to this one, so don’t be saying anything. This is just aimed at Steve. Right, this woman has a baby.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: She’s pregnant, has a baby. And the doctor’s there in the, uh, in the hospital going, “Oh yeah, you’ve got a, got a lovely little baby here.”

Ricky: Oh, he told me- this is, oh.

Karl: “Got a lovely little baby, um, just coming out now. You’ll be able to see it in a minute.”

Ricky sighs

Karl: And it’s, like, covered in gunk an’ stuff.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh, he’s going, “Yeah, it’s nearly here. It’s coming out. See, see his little head an’ that.” And, um, he gets hold of it and it’s full of all this gunk, right?

Steve: The baby’s full of gunk?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, like--

Steve: Covered in gunk or full of gunk?

Karl: Covered in it.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And he goes, uh, “Here you go, get a hold of your baby.” And he drops it.

Steve: Right.

Karl: What song’s that?

Ricky: There’s so much irrelevance there, Steve, I can’t tell you. It’s not a cryptic clue, it is not a cryptic clue. Cause only- I mean, the gist of it is relevant.

Karl: That, that isn’t the best one. That’s just--

Ricky: Right, I mean, there is just, there is, there’s things there that you’re dwelling on and thinking of puns- don’t. Just go for gut instinct; what was it? What was that?

Steve: Right, let me just- I just need to try and get the basics of this. There’s a woman, she’s pregnant, she has a baby--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The baby’s covered in gunk.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And because of the gunk, the doctor drops the baby.

Ricky and Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And that’s all I need to know?

Ricky: Yeah, that is all you need to know, yeah. The pregnancy’s largely irrelevant.

Steve: Okay. What are, what are the key elements?

Ricky: It’s the birth and the doctor dropping it that are the relevant--

Steve: The birth and the dropping of the baby.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, I have absolutely no idea. I can’t even begin to think of--

Karl: Think about, think, think about what’s happened here.

Ricky: Oh, Karl.

Karl: She’s had a baby, the doctor’s trying to deliver it, he’s saying, “It’s a nice little baby you’ve got here--”

Ricky: This is all irrelevant! This is all irrelevant. Right, let me tell you this. So, so, just to be fair to Steve, so he gets, he can get into your mind, right. This is not a traditional cryptic clue--

Steve laughs

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Logical, problematic. This is Karl, “What song am I thinking of?”

Steve laughs

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That is Underworld, “Born Slippy.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: I have to say, actually, that makes textbook sense.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: No, that does actually- No, I’m sorry--

Ricky: Do you like, do you like all the story about the (mumbles), “Alright, you can see it in a minute. Oh, it’s covered in gunk.” Yeah.

Steve: No, I agree there is some extraneous detail, but I have to say that--

Ricky: “Born” was good, cause it was-that’s the, that’s the hook of it, is “born” was good. Yeah.

Steve: And “Born Slippy”, I…no, I’m actually, I was quite impressed by that, Karl. And I have to say, you know, to be fair to you, I’m not just patronizing you--

Ricky: Oh, well, I’ve- oh, wow.

Steve: I actually think that was really good and I-I disrespect Ricky Gervais for slagging you off cause I actually think that that was quite good.

Ricky: Well, let’s go ahead with it, then.

Steve: I think we could maybe open this up to e-mail correspondence or, uh, phone lines.

Ricky: Ok, let’s go for it then. Ok, this is Karl Pilkington’s new game show idea, it’s what, it’s a--

Karl: It’s just, “What’s the Song?”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Karl Pilkington presents, “What’s the Song?” Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Okay, well, let’s--

Steve: I’ll tell you what, let’s play a record. Let’s, let’s come back after that.

Ricky: Well, give out the number, ready for ‘em.

Steve: Well, you should make a note of this. Uh, you can e-mail us, the e-mail is up and running. [email protected], [email protected]. Uh, what’s the phone number, Karl? Have you got it?

Karl: It’s 08700 800 1234.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: 08700

Karl: 800

Ricky: 12

Karl: 34

Steve: Make a note of that and we’ll, we’ll have a game of, uh, “What Song is Karl Thinking Of?” after this next track.

Karl: What do you want to play?

Steve: What have you got lined down there?

Ricky: Oh, oh. Continuing, again, old fogies who were good once--

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: And I won’t hear things said against them, you kids, out there. It’s not all nu-metal, is it?

Steve: True enough.

Ricky: This is Cat Stevens, uh, a little-known album, Mona Bona Jakon, and this one’s called “Trouble.” It’s a lovely song.

Song: Cat Stevens- Trouble