26 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 26 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

My First Studio (With a Little Picture of Karl On It)

Ricky: Doves. Caught by the river on XFM, 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington – doing the buttons and stuff. Actually becoming a little bit of a producer!

Steve: Karl? Yeah.

Ricky: He’s put a bit of work in hasn’t he, he’s come up with a few games, and we made him – he’s getting a bit stressed when we shout at him because the mics don’t work or it’s hanging off or it’s too hot in here. He couldn’t get the thing working last week, I mean – I really would throw this studio away and get a real one.

Steve: Yeah. Well I’d get one of those ones you can buy for like a tenner from Argos.

Ricky: Argos, yeah, like "Bontempi: My first studio."

Steve: Yeah "My first broadcasting studio."

Ricky: With a little picture of Karl on it.

Steve: Yeah exactly. That’d be great product placement.

Ricky: What’ve you got this week for us Karl because, again, we’ve put very little – I said I would put – I’m not hung-over but I’ve put nothing into it.

Steve: Rick, have you done any work for this week’s show?

Ricky: No, no. Have you?

Steve: None whatsoever? Nooo no no.

Ricky: OK Karl. What’ve you got? Keep em – Quick, it’s five past already. They’re turning over already, they’re finding other things.

Steve: Karl what have you come up with?

Ricky: There’s Mel and Sue, there’s everything. Go on.

Karl: We’ve got – after the success of last week – Rockbusters. We’re doing that again.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Sorry –were you on the same show as us?

Karl: I thought it went alright last week.

Ricky: Yeah, good.

Karl: So we’ll be doing that. Got some nice prizes which –

Ricky: Ooh what prizes! What arbitrary films have we got, we haven’t got – have we got -

Steve: Don’t tell them yet!

Ricky: No – I tell you what if it’s "Children of the Corn 2", then can I enter this competition?

Karl: There you go. Cop a load of that.

Ricky: What is that?

Steve: He’s got some different prizes – maybe I should just tease the audience with those a bit later Rick because there’s some exciting stuff there.

Ricky: Oh right, yeah. It’s going to be amazing.

Steve: I don’t want to give too much away Rick but one of them is a copy of the Office on DVD.

Ricky: Is anything like maybe Burt Reynolds’s straight to video film? Are any of those in there?

Steve: Sadly nothing quite as classy.

Ricky: “Fist.” Oh god.

Karl: Right, so we’ve got that lot to give away.

Ricky: Yep, yep. Go on.

Karl: We’ve got educating Ricky. Where I teach you stuff.

Ricky: Yep. Because you taught me that people used to eat tomatoes off lead plates in the land of Narnia, last week. Which was good. Yeah.

Karl: No...

Ricky: Is it only tomatoes they eat off the lead plates by the way? Why didn’t they think other fruits and vegetables were poisonous?

Karl: No it wasn’t. It was because tomatoes had acid in ‘em. That was the problem you see, you don’t listen.

Ricky: Well lots of fruits have acid in them.

Karl: Yeah but they didn’t eat them. Back then. They didn’t have bloody... kiwi fruit and stuff..

Ricky: Don’t say bloody! You’re a producer. I’ll start saying ‘shit’ and ‘cock’ and stuff. If you’re saying bloody.

Steve: Tits.

Ricky: Play... play the...

Karl: Hang on... and the... keep ‘em hooked, right, we’ve still got... Song with a story in it.

Ricky: Yeah. You don’t want to play Babooshka do you? He doesn’t like the idea of Babooshka - I told him that as a story and he doesn’t like it. ‘The devil went down to Georgia’, someone sent in, you know, ‘he’s looking for a soul to steal’. He doesn’t like it, why don’t you like that?

Karl: Do you know the song?

Steve: Not particularly.

Karl: Right. It’s a song about a lad who goes into a pub on a normal night –

Ricky: It’s in the deep south of America, New Orleans – or something like that, it’s not the Old Kent Road.

Steve: Right, okay.

Karl: He goes into the pub, there’s a devil in there. Who’s getting a bit cocky. He’s had a bit to drink and he’s saying do you wanna, sorta, gamble your soul away with me, and we’ll see who’s best at playing the violin.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And... Er, I think the lad wins in the end. But it... It’s not real enough. Whereas the one –

Ricky: Oh! What, not like the Shadow that got fed up and started pushing kids off bikes? In Boston.

Steve: Rick, I think you’re referring to stuff that no one made sense of last week.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly

Steve: I don’t think you should refer to last week’s -

Ricky: Let’s play Mock Turtles, ‘Can you dig it’, and then we’ll come back. And we’ll talk about that.

Karl: Alright then.

Steve: I’ve come to the conclusion Rick we should never refer to stuff Karl said in the past because it would just take too long to explain.

Ricky: Oh right okay, that’s fair enough.

Song: Mock Turtles – Can You Dig It?