06 April 2002

Xfm Series 1 November 2001 - May 2002 List of episodes

Episodes: 10 November 2001 (Transcript) 17 November 2001 (Transcript) 24 November 2001 (Transcript) 01 December 2001 (Transcript) 08 December 2001 (Transcript) 15 December 2001 (Transcript) 22 December 2001 (Transcript) 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12 13 April 2002 (Transcript) 20 April 2002 (Transcript) 27 April 2002 (Transcript) 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 06 April 2002/Transcript

1. Make Ricky Gervais Laugh (0:00:00)

Steve resurrects a game from "the old days" of Xfm and shows Ricky a picture of Michael Stipe in The Sun.

2. Have You Got Any Fromage? (0:02:14)

Ricky and Steve practice their elementary French. Ricky has finally convinced Karl that his head is indeed perfectly round, which reminded him of the little fella in a jar who was born without a brain. Call in for the ongoing competition is "What Karl Is Talking About".

3. Ask Your Mother (0:06:40)

Calls confirm there was a baby born without a brain, and Karl thinks it had aged a bit. Steve wonders what would happen if someone raised a child based on just the information from their show, and is concerned that Karl's children would be in that situation. Karl feels comfortable with telling them the rights and wrongs of the world, but Ricky and Steve are just interested in having him tell them about his crazy youth in Manchester. The boys will be off for awhile and Zoe Ball is taking over, which Ricky learned from Liquid News. They want Zoe to call in to confirm.

4. If You Guess, It's Not Fact (0:10:44)

Zoe hasn't called in. Karl wants to make sure the listeners know it's not forever. Ricky will go mental if she's getting paid the same as they do. For the 3 months they're off doing the 2nd series of The Office, Karl will have Saturdays off. Ideas for what to do with Karl include get him his own jar and have him descend from his balloon into a jar and immediately cork it or set him adrift like Robinson Crusoe. Karl thinks if cars could drive to space, it would only take an hour. The Xfm callers have lots to say about the boy in the jar but nothing about sensible topics. Suzanne and Karl went to buy a quotations book with Eric and Ernie in it.

5. There's Nothing Gay About That (0:16:30)

If you put Karl in a jar you could call him "Karl Pickleton". Ricky thinks this is the best day of the week for Karl, and queries what would be better. Karl thinks about it and can only also think of watching 24 (time with Suzanne goes without saying). Steve has been doing some acting this week, for the role of a man trying to become the Tallest Man in the World. He's come to some serious realisations about his poor dancing, and is quite sore today. He and his hefty housemate are going to start exercising together and they buy Helen from Big Brother's workout video. Ricky boxes for exercise but stops and takes breaks before there's any pain or discomfort. His trainer wants him to cut down to eating cheese only 5 times a week. Karl walks everywhere and runs up stairs.

6. UB40 FTW (0:24:10)

Ricky is bored of saying Steve and Karl's names. Steve tells them about an extra he met on the set of the TV pilot he acted in that week to whom he chatted about Guns N' Roses, though he's never seen them live. He'll never go to another rock gig because none will top the experience of seeing UB40 live. When Ricky was on the dole he heard a guy playing One in Ten. When Ricky is about to die, he'll summon UB40.

7. If It Was a Chicken It Would Work (0:29:44)

Karl loves Tales of the Unexpected, and Ricky tells him about a horror short about a car wreck and a severed head. Karl thinks if it was a chicken it would work. Recounting favourite episodes of TOTU. Karl may buy some braille porn while his girlfriend is away.

8. The Horse in the House - part 1 (0:37:06)

White Van Karl question on criticism over the BBC treatment of the Queen Mum's death. Karl thinks they should save funny comments for sympathy cards to cheer people up. What does Karl think of the first genetically modified baby? At the end of the day, it's the way you're brought up that will change your features and your personality ... as demonstrated by the infamous Horse in the House story.

9. The Horse in the House - part 2 (0:44:54)

Recapping the story so far, and Karl continues with explaining how he went to sell flowers at the neighbor's house and saw their horse in the living room. Karl thinks it's better for pets to be with their owners all the time. If Ricky and Steve each had an identical baby, Ricky's could turn into a mess because he'd just feed it cheese. The baby of the family who had the horse in the house was a good looking kid but after it's rough upbringing, it became an ugly kid. Karl wraps up his point. Final White Van Karl question: What do you make of the fact that Sainsbury's is bringing in square tins?

10. All Art is Quite Useless (0:51:04)

Karl read a quote book this week, and has a few for them. First one is about the memo protecting the writer. Second one is a poem about suicide which Steve identifies and Ricky hates. Third is Oscar Wilde - "All art is quite useless", but art was one of the only things Karl liked to do in school. Fourth is a quote by Ozzy Osbourne about biting a rat. Neil Armstrong mucked up his most famous quote.

11. We've Run Out of Time (0:57:16)

Twenty second closing of the show.

Quotes

Karl: You got any fromage?

Steve: (on Xfm listeners) You ask ‘em for, you know, I don’t know, great quotes or something from the great philosophers – nothing! You ask ‘em where to buy meths cheap – straight on the phone!

Karl: ...and not eatin’ properly, and his hair was all patchy –
Steve: It’s not Liam Gallagher, is it?
Karl: - and chasing cars and that, and it became an ugly kid.
Steve: It’s definitely Liam Gallagher.

Steve: His comment on ‘Sainsbury’s are bringing in square tins’ is, now…is ‘that should be interesting for meatballs.’ (Pause for lots of laughs) Ricky has just collapsed on the floor. Let’s just play a song, Karl.

Playlist

Travis - Flowers in the Window
Daft Punk - Aerodynamic
Stereophonics - Vegas Two Times
Echo & the Bunnymen - Killing Moon
New Order - Here to Stay
David Bowie - Lady Grinning Soul
Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
The Cure - Just Like Heaven
Doves - There Goes The Fear Star Sailor - Poor Misguided Fool
The Velvet Underground - Waiting for the Man
Idlewild - You Held The World In Your Arms Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Whatever Happened to my Rock 'N Roll
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Into My Arms

External Links

• The Michael Stipe photo that makes Ricky laugh
• Tales of the Unexpected episode list
• Arguably the all-time favourite classic Karl anecdote - The Horse in the House
• Karl draws Ricky and Steve's babies - 1 / Karl draws Ricky and Steve's babies - 2

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