05 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 05 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

When's Karl Coming Back?

Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, “Check the Meaning” on XFM 104.9. We’re back Steve. It’s Saturday.

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: Uh, Steve Merchant, that is.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais, obviously.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: Karl’s still away. Claire Sturgis is back.

Steve: That’s absolutely true.

Claire: Hello. Yeah.

Steve: Hello there Claire. Nice to see ya. I think a lot of people were hoping that Karl would be back this week, but--

Claire: Yeah, they were. No, they were, actually. I did get some e-mails during the week.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Saying what?

Claire: Just saying, “It’s really nice to, you know, hear you again on a Saturday afternoon. It’s nice. Um, but-but you’re not really very funny and when’s Karl coming back?” You know.

Steve: Ohh.

Claire: So it’s, sort of, being nice to me--

Ricky: So it wasn’t to us?

Claire: No, no. It was definitely to me.

Ricky: Cause they think that, as well. But no one can compete with Karl.

Claire: They can’t.

Ricky: We used to, sort of, like, um, come in and, uh- when we discovered Karl early on we just thought, “This is comedy gold. Just let him speak his mind.”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: But then we started thinking, “Oh, we can’t follow him, though.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Cause I remember Steve going, “Look, we’ve got to come up with some stuff--”

Steve: We need, we need to chat. If anything we've got to say to each other, we’ve got to say that within the first twenty minutes and then you just unleash Karl.

Ricky: Yeah. Cause it’s- it‘s just- you can’t follow him. And he’s- he goes off on one. There’s stories of, um, upbringings with bizarre creatures that lived in Manchester that were half-human, half-bat and frog.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And things.

Steve: I’d love to take him back to Manchester in some kind of TV documentary. You know, “When Karl Went Home”.

Claire: Ohh.

Steve: Then just fonder back, maybe try and find the amphibian twins or whatever those people were.

Ricky: Yeah. They weren’t- they-they, yeah. There was two-two boys, both had big heads and webbed feet. They weren’t related. They di- they didn’t hang around with each other.

Steve: That was all the information we had, Claire.

Ricky: I went, “Why not?” He went, “That would have been too obvious.”

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Like they look at each other across a room and go, “Yeah, you think I’m going to come over and see you just cause we’ve got, just cause we’re similar species.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “You’re mistaken, mate!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “You make your own friends.”

Steve: One starts to walk over there. One shakes his head and just mouths, “Too obvious.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire chuckles

Steve: “Don’t do it. Too obvious.”

Ricky: Out of one of his mouths.

Steve: Yeah. “That’s what they’re expecting.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “Don’t do it.”

Ricky: “Don’t do it.”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: “Don’t-don’t do it, webby.”

Steve: Yeah. But anyway, he’ll -he’ll be back shor-shortly, I’m sure.

Ricky: He phoned me, um, uh. His dad’s, um, ill. Uh, his dad’s in hospital so Karl went back to sort of look after his mum. He was so sweet. He said, “Oh, I’ll be back. I’m just driving my mum around.” And he went, he said it so unbegrudgingly. He just went, “Um, it’s like old times.” And, uh, I said, “Oh, so sorry to hear that.” He went, “That’s alright, yeah. Um, and, uh, I think he’s going to be fine.” And-and I said, “How was your holiday?” He went, “Yeah, it were good… except there was a nudist beach. They didn’t tell me.”

Steve and Claire laugh

Steve: Of course there was.

Ricky: I went, “What do you mean?” He went, “Well, oh. Sitting on- I-I don’t know why they have to do it. I don’t know why they have to do it. Why do they have to do it?” He went, “Suzanne said they think there’s nothing wrong with it like being a transvestite.” Right? Right?

Claire sniggers

Ricky: I went, “I love the fact that your girlfriend has to tell you what’s wrong and right in the world.” He went, “Well, we were walking along the beach, fella coming towards us with naught about. I went, ‘Oh, what’s going on here?’”

Steve laughs

Ricky: Alright? He said, he said, uh, “And because he wasn’t all nude. He’s walking around, he’s stark naked and he wants the freedom of that, but he’s got a big rucksack on his back with his clothes on just to get changed.”

Steve and Claire laugh

Ricky: He went, “So where’s the point in that?” Right? I went, “You should have just carried a book.” He went, “What, and covered it up when he went?" He went, "Oh, yeah. Good idea.” See? He went, “But I wasn’t happy.” He says, “And that was the first day, so we didn’t go there again.”

Steve and Claire laugh

Steve: I just imagine his little face.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, he’s just going, “Oh, right.”

Steve: Gob smacked.

Ricky: “That’s out. That's out. What’s that doing out?”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: “Why’s he got his out?”

Steve: I imagine Karl, sort of, dressed in a suit.

Ricky laughs

Steve: In a, sort of, Safari suit, done right up, with a cravat. “I’m not, I’m not undressing. I don’t want people seeing flesh.”

Ricky: Oh, bless him.

Steve: You know, “That’s for you, love, and no one else.”

Ricky: But I love the fact that- I just see his girlfriend goes, “Karl, they-they don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. They’re just happier that way.” And he, in his own mind, just goes, “Like being a transvestite.”

Steve and Claire chuckle

Ricky: He knows there’s nothing wrong with that.

Steve: I’m always a little bit suspect about people who like walking around nude.

Ricky: I thought he was going to say transvestites.

Steve: No. No, nudists.

Ricky: What- hold on. Can you have- can you be a naked transvestite? What are you then?

Steve: Yeah. I suppose you’re a…

Ricky: When Eddie Izzard is naked, is he a naked transvestite?

Steve: I see an interesting metaphorical- metaphysical question.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9.

Steve: If you know the answer about that metaphysical question or, indeed, any of the famous ones; uh, if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, has it fallen over?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Genius! Excellent. That’s--

Steve: Any of those.

Ricky: That’s brilliant. What’s--

Steve: If you leave the room, Rick, does it get quieter?

Ricky: Yeah. What’s- yeah. What’s the sound of one leg hopping?

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly. Uh, what we got there, Claire?

Claire: Um, do you want some music or--

Ricky and Steve: Yeah!

Steve: Yeah, love to hear it. What you got?

Claire: A bit more chat?

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: I’ve got The Vines, actually.

Steve: Oh, play it, play it, play it, play it.

Claire: Nice.

Song: The Vines- Out of the Way

And the Glasses...

Ricky: Hey Claire! “Out of the Way.”

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Nah, I’m not talking to you. It’s the, uh, it’s the name of the, uh, the song by The Vines.

Steve: Excellent.

Ricky: Yeah. Oh, XFM--

Steve: Yeah- ooh.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And, uh--

Ricky and Steve: Claire Sturgess.

Steve: Have you ever been to a nudist beach? Have either of you been to a nudist beach?

Claire: Eh, yes.

Steve: I find- have you really? I-I--

Claire: No, last month I went on holiday to Antigua and then I went on the nudist beach.

Steve: Really?

Claire: I wanted an all over.

Steve: Sure.

Claire: Mm.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Cause I, um, I was with my family once when we went on holiday, a family holiday with, uh--

Ricky: I just imagine you going on a- and a, uh, inspector coming along, going, “And the glasses!”

Steve and Claire laugh

Ricky: “And the glasses! And you don’t wear them there.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Oh. Um… No, I went there. It was some friends of my fam- family friends, you know, like, kids that, sort of- kids my age and my sister’s age who, uh- and parents. We were all friends, you know, da da da. Goes- go on holiday to this and end up on this nudist beach. Not-not a nudist beach, but where people sunbathe topless or whatever. Or maybe--

Ricky: Oh, yeah. Of course. All-

Steve: Maybe it was just, maybe it was just because it was France.

Ricky: Well, yeah. Exactly.

Steve: Where I think a lot of that goes on, generally.

Ricky: All-all-all--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Beaches in- yeah.

Steve: Mm. Uh, semi-nude.

Ricky: But that‘s- that’s different. Nudists beaches are, sort of- they’re cordoned off.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, there with the cocks and everything.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: We can’t say that.

Steve: Can’t say cocks.

Ricky: Or did you mean the chicken. You mean the chickens.

Steve: The chickens.

Ricky: A lot of, a lot of--

Steve: A lot of ‘em have got farms. A lot of French farms.

Ricky: Naked people. Hairy, male… birds around there.

Steve: There is a lot of poultry.

Ricky: And by “male bird”, I don’t mean transsexual.

Steve: You don’t mean- no, I don’t want to- Cause that’s also--

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That’s also offensive.

Ricky: That's also offensive, so be careful when-whenever--

Steve: Please be careful. Claire! Be careful what you’re gonna say on air, because you‘ve got to be careful.

Ricky: I just want to say to the Radio Authority or anyone listening, when we say “cock”, we are referring to a male bird and-and--

Steve: There is no discussion there. There’s nothing- there’s no other issue. There’s no other ambiguity.

Ricky: Okay, go on. What are you--

Steve: So, um, there’s people walking around with their birds and-and-and, uh--

Claire Laughs

Steve: Often they got their knobs out, as well. And, um, and, uh, so da, da, da, da. It was just a, just a topless beach. So we were all--

Ricky: So there were tits there, as well?

Steve: There was some tits.

Ricky: Um, well we got, we got a family of tits that come and eat the nuts… That chew on my nuts.

Steve: I think, I think--

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: We’re confusing, we’re confusing ourselves.

Ricky: No, but we have! Jane’s got a little, um, bag of nuts--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: That she makes me hang out of the window.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So--

Steve: So you’ll often be hanging your nuts out the window--

Ricky: And the tits will--

Steve: So the tits can--

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: God! I don’t know what--

Steve: Please!

Ricky: Go, get on with the story!

Steve: Sorry! So what I’m saying is--

Ricky: Thank God!

Steve: What I’m saying is--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We went on holiday as a family there--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There was some tits. There was some cocks and, uh--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: And I found it all a little bit- cause I was about fourteen or something. I found it all a little bit disturbing. I- cause I hadn’t been introduced to this sort of thing before.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, obviously, my dad was having none of it. Like, a bit like Karl and obviously my mum wasn’t up for that as I am.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But the person we went with, the mother of the person we went with, she, uh, she took her top off. And I was like, I was- I- didn’t, I-I didn’t know where to look.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Cause I didn’t want to make an issue of it. I didn’t want to make, you know, I didn’t want to- But it was like- cause I was with my mate. I was going, “Well, I’m not sure what to say, but there’s your mom with her knockers out, really.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: “I mean.. that’s your, that’s your mum over there.”

Ricky: “Hello Dave.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Oh, there’s your mum’s, there’s your mum’s, there’s your mum’s knockers.”

Steve: “Oh. Oh.“

Ricky: Um, ah, there you go. Yeah.”

Steve: “You’ve--”

Ricky: “Oh, there’s your dad, there’s your dad popped out.”

Steve: “Yep.”

Ricky: “Popped out his little, little man.”

Steve: “He’s got his little fella out.”

Ricky: “Um, his little fella out there.”

Steve: “Your dad’s fella is there. He’s wandering about and uh--.”

Ricky: “He is having a- He’s getting a tan on his little fella.”

Steve: “And your mom’s got the old , the old milkers out, so, uh--”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was all a, it was all a little bit disturbing and I’ve never quite got that-that image out of my head, really. Cause it was, it was all- I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t know what to do.

Ricky: My, um, my friend of mine- I won’t say who his name is, right? Um, uh, he’s about twenty-five now. When he was, I think, fourteen and fifteen, I mean, the worst age, he went to a nudist holiday with his parents.

Steve laughs sympathetically

Ricky: And-and his, and his sister and some of her sister’s friends. And he absolutely hated it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He absolutely--

Steve: Well, that’s- I-I- it-it-it makes me, um, sort of queasy to think about it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Especially if you’re with your family and friends.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Because it’s… I don’t mind looking at nudey ladies that I don’t know, Rick, but I don’t want to look at relatives.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: You know, or people I’ve grown up with, or, indeed, the likes of you. I don’t want to have to see that kind of flesh down there. I don’t want to, I don’t want to know what’s going on underneath those clothes.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: You know, you’ve keepin them from me. Well, you haven’t. You-you’ve show me much of it--

Claire Laughs

Steve: In the time I’ve known you.

Ricky: Well, sometimes--

Steve: Do you know there’s not a bit of your body I haven’t seen at some point?

Ricky giggles

Steve: You know, you’ll have got your trousers down, “Look at the arse!” That was, you know, thinking that was hilarious or the old, you know, the, uh, the Johnson.

Ricky: Yeah, um, feeding the birds on the windowsill.

Steve: Mm. Mm. Mm.

Ricky: Um, but, uh, yeah. No, it is, it is strange cause there, you know, there isn’t, there isn’t anything wrong with it. Let’s face it; there’s nothing wrong with it, but, um, I know what you mean. It’s--

Steve: I think it’s cause we spend so long, we spend so much of the time covering it up. You know, it’s like, it’s like in the summer months when girls start wearing, kind of, short sleeve, uh, t-shirts or short skirts. You’ll have blokes just going mental. Just, “Rawr! Urghh!!”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Just cause--

Ricky: Hormones.

Steve: Women spend most of the year, because it’s so cold here, covered up, that men forget what’s under there and then when summer comes around, they can’t believe it.

Ricky: You know, you know when-when blokes do actually just hang out of a car window or hang over scaffolding and say, “Get your tits out”--

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I wanna go, “Has that ever worked?”

Steve: Yeah, has it ever worked?

Ricky: “Has- have- what’s your success rate with that with wooing women?”

Steve: “Well, I was off to my big job in the city--”

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “But I’ve got twenty minutes. Why not? Shall I come up there or you gonna come down?”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: Oh. Right, what we got? What we got coming up? What we got coming up? Quick, keep ‘em hooked.

Ricky snaps his fingers

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, you know, Rick--

Ricky: Let’s have some songs and some more chat.

Steve: There’ll be some chitter-chatter and, uh, there’ll be some songs. We had an e-mail last week from a fella, calling himself Paul. I don’t know if that’s his real name.

Ricky: Heh! I’m suspicious.

Steve: I’m already suspicious.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said that sometime ago we played a cracking Johnny Cash cover version of U2’s “One”.

Claire: Ohh.

Steve: Remember that?

Claire: Oh, yeah.

Steve: I think maybe the last time you were here, Claire, maybe.

Claire: Oh, class!

Steve: Um, and he says, uh, he’s been trying to track down that album. He says, “Unfortunately, like an idiot, I didn’t listen to it and I didn’t catch the name of the album. Could you, by any chance, send me, uh, the album?”

Ricky: He’s having a laugh.

Steve: He’s having a laugh.

Claire chuckles

Ricky: What, for free?

Steve: Yeah. So that’s not going to happen.

Ricky: So, actually, e-mail him back and say, “Paul--”

Steve: Should I do it right now?

Ricky: “Give us, give us eight quid.”

Steve can be heard typing

Ricky: “For no reason.”

Steve: I’ve also, I’ve also called him some quite offensive names.

Ricky: Put some of that.

Steve: I’ll put, uh, “From Gervais”.

Ricky: Oh, dear. He’s not going to like that.

Steve: Yeah, that’s pretty grim.

Ricky: Nor is his mother.

Steve: No.

Ricky: You shouldn’t have brought her into it.

Steve: Indeed.

Steve and Claire laugh

Ricky: Johnny Cash.

Steve: Oh, nice.

Ricky: Johnny Cash, “Change From the Durex Machine”. Did you get it?

Steve: Oh, that’s classic.

Song: Johnny Cash- One

He'd Love Some Bloody Adverts

Steve: Johnny Cash and his cover of, uh, U2’s “One”. Magnificent tune. Um, that’s from the album “American III: Solitary Man” that was released in 2000. And, uh, I’ve just checked that e-mail that Paul, if indeed that is his name--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sent us, Rick, and he didn’t ask for a copy of the album.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: He asked for the name of the album.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: So, um, I feel a little bit bad that I, uh, sent that e-mail back insulting him… and his mother.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And also, of course, I CC’d to his mum.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: As well and many of her friends. So, uh--

Ricky: Send another one.

Steve: I feel, uh--

Ricky: I think we can get around this. I’ll tell you what Paul would like, if that is his, indeed--

Steve: His real name, yeah.

Ricky: He’d like some adverts.

Steve: He’d love some bloody adverts, Paul.

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He Had the Biggest Knob I'd Ever Seen

Ricky: Oasis, “Little By Little” on XFM 104.9. I’m just moving the mic there. Hold on, I’m getting comfortable. There you go. Right. Sit up. I was--

Steve: A lot of people do that, a lot of people do that during the song.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: A lot of the old pros. No, a lot of the old pros, like Foxy and Taryn and the like.

Ricky: No, I like that song. That’s great, that. Oh, um, they were on, uh, “Top of The Pops” yesterday, but hey, um, they did, uh, “My Generation”.

Steve: Any good?

Ricky: Yeah. Very good.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I mean… you know--

Steve: Was it close to the original or did they make it their own?

Ricky: Yeah. No, we-we-it- bit of both. It was pretty close. They did- you know, musically it was close, but yeah. They-they had a certain--

Steve: Was it Noel singing or Liam?

Ricky: Uh, Liam. Very, very cool. Very cool.

Steve: Mm. No, he’s an amazing--

Ricky: Good swagger. Attitude back. I think back on form for Oasis.

Steve: People tell me, though, that if you go to any of these big stadium gigs they do now it’s an absolute nightmare cause a lot of the fans are really grim. I mean, I’ve spoken to two people independently who’ve both been at gigs where there’s been fans weeing on other fan’s shoes. That’s not what I want from a gig.

Claire: That’s not nice.

Steve: No.

Ricky: They own them, then.

Steve: Well, yes, apparently.

Ricky: That’s theirs, then.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Oh, what; if you wee on something--

Ricky: Yeah, you own it. That’s cat law. Cat law.

Steve: Cause cat law- yeah. Cat law is if you wee on something, then you own it. Yeah. I know you live by cat law.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I do, yeah!

Steve: Yeah, you do live- cause I’ve- my wallet, I think you own.

Ricky and Claire laugh

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, um…

Ricky: Several telephone boxes.

Steve: Much of my hair.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um--

Ricky: Uh, what were we talking about?

Steve: We were talking about nudey beaches--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause I just- I still can’t get around my head--

Ricky: I don’t know why they only play volleyball.

Steve: No, they certainly do, though.

Ricky: Surely there’s other games you could play.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I think French Cricket would be slightly more…

Steve: All the pictures I’ve ever seen of, uh, nudist colonies always seem to be quite attractive women and some re- fairly grizzled, sort of, forty-five year old men. I don’t know if that’s generally the clientele that, you know, it just happens to work that way, but I’m quite looking forward to getting around to the forty-five age mark.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Just crusin’ down--

Ricky: “Happy Birthday!” “Right, I’m off.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: “Where you going without your clothes?”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And at what point- I mean, you can’t, you can’t go into a nudist colony, can you, without taking your clothes off? You can’t--

Ricky: I-I don’t know if there’s a-a door policy that--

Steve: No, I think there is. I’m sure I--

Claire: Oh, actually- no, cause when I went on my nudist beach, there was actually a security guard.

Steve: Stopping you from--

Ricky: Naked?

Claire: No! No.

Steve: Now Claire.

Claire: That’s very strange.

Steve: Would it be possible for a bloke who was, say, a fairly good swimmer to swim up to the beach in a wetsuit--

Ricky: From France!

Claire: Okay. Like--

Ricky laughs

Steve: Just say, just say for the sake of it that this person, you know, had some time on his hands for a week.

Claire: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: And, you know--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He was- he-he’d made quite a bit of money recently and had some time.

Ricky: He trained. He’d trained nine hours a day the lengths in the pool--

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: Thinking, “If I can, I get, if I can get-” Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: To the other side of France.

Claire: It could work. It could work. Yeah.

Steve: So what was your nudist beach experience? This was not a, this was not a colony?

Claire: No, no.

Steve: Not a colony of nudists.

Claire: It just was a choice that this-this place had a few beaches. One of them was a nudist beach--

Steve: And could you see this nudist beach from the other regular beach?

Claire: No, you couldn’t.

Steve: Right.

Claire: You see, it was just ‘round the corner.

Steve: What about with binoculars?

Ricky laughs

Claire: Possibly. Possibly.

Steve laughs

Steve: Okay.

Claire: You see, my-my-my worry is as-as, um, a healthy young man--

Steve: Yes. You’re not a healthy young man, are you?

Claire: No, no, no, but I’m talking about you two.

Steve: Right. Sure.

Claire: You’re pretty healthy young men.

Steve: Mm.

Claire: How-how awkward it must be for you on a nudist beach if you do happen to see a very good-looking, naked lady.

Steve: Mm.

Claire: What you do if you… mm.

Steve: Well, that’s the reason I, that’s the reason I’ve not gone to any.

Claire: Mmkay.

Steve: Cause I have just exactly that worry.

Claire: Cause it is very off-putting.

Steve: Yes. Have you had- it sounds like this is confession.

Claire: Exactly, yeah.

Steve: Go on. What happened?

Claire: That did actually happened to us.

Steve: Really?

Claire: An older gentleman--

Steve: Go on.

Claire: An older gentleman, obviously, was enjoying his time… on the beach.

Steve: Right, explain more. I didn’t quite--

Claire: And then came over to chat. And you just don’t know where to look.

Steve: Sorry. So hang on. So he-he approached you?

Claire: Yeah, for a chat, as you do. People are friendly.

Steve: Right. Without wishing to get too lewd, was he in a state of arousal?

Claire laughs

Steve: Is that the case?

Claire: How far can we go down this--

Steve: No, I’m not--

Claire: Yeah.

Steve: I’m not, I’m not trying to, sort of- I don’t want to get too, kind of, you know, graphic.

Claire chuckles

Steve: Or gynecological.

Claire: Have you noticed--

Ricky: Gynecological!

Claire: I was just going to say how-how quiet Ricky was keeping.

Steve: But he came over, he came over.

Ricky: Well, I’m worried about this. I’m-I’m worried about telling this story.

Steve: But I think it’s an interesting- I’m interested--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I think it’s an interesting point.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cause it’s- So he came over and he was just chatting away.

Claire: Yeah.

Steve: Quite proudly.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Oh!

Claire: And then he got quite--

Steve: Standing to attention.

Ricky: Oh, God!

Steve: And what was- why was this, Claire? I mean, not wishing to be disrespectful, but, you know, he’s a man. He’s-he’s been around a bit. Were you reading erotic poetry?

Claire laughs

Claire: No! I was talking about the weather.

Steve: Right.

Claire: About how nice it was today.

Steve: And he-he approached in pole position or did he--

Claire: No!

Ricky: Oh, God!

Claire: I don’t like it anymore.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Fine, okay.

Claire: I don’t like it anymore!

Ricky: Oh, God. Right.

Steve: Fine, let’s leave it.

Claire: That’s what I did. I actually ran away.

Steve: You ran away? That’s terribly--

Claire: I went swimming.

Steve: Was he French? Was it, was it quite tricky to speak to him?

Claire: No, no. He spoke perfect English.

Ricky: Sorry. During the, during the break--

Claire giggles

Ricky: Claire said, “Oh, I went to a nudist beach once, right? And this man came over, an old fella, um, and, uh.” (Ricky mumbles). And she started off with the story, says, “He had the biggest knob I’ve ever seen!”

Claire laughs

Ricky: And then I laughed and then she went, “And then he, then it got bigger.”

Claire: No!

Ricky: And then I went, “You can’t tell it, then.” I was worried about that. But she left out the funny bit and just went, you just went all…

Steve: Coy.

Ricky: Weird. Yeah. So, uh, play Bob Dylan. Only Bob Dylan can get us out of this. Uh, this is off his, um, his last album, uh, “Love and Theft”. It is the only track I really like, I’m afraid. I didn’t get on with the rest of the album cause it was too, it was too hoe-downy and country blues and stuff, which is- it’s just not my sort of thing. But this is, this is a nice track called, “Mississippi”.

Song: Bob Dylan- Mississippi

A Deal With Island Records

Ricky: Bob Dylan, “Mississippi” um, off, uh, off the album “Love and Theft." I must admit not-not my favorite Dylan album, but, um, that’s a nice track, innit?

Steve: It’s a lovely track, actually. I just noticed there you’ve brought in three CDs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um… you bring those three in every week, don’t you?

Ricky chuckles

Steve: You just play from those three CDs. Or-or what; you substitute the Dylan for different Dylan albums--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And the other two remain the same.

Ricky: Well, no, I got- no. I got- I’m playing different, um, different Cat Stevens. I got “Tea for the Tillerman.” I’ve never brought that in before.

Steve: Yes, you have.

Ricky: No, I haven’t.

Steve: I’ve seen ‘em before!

Ricky: No. I’ve never brought in, I’ve never played anything off “Tea for the Tillerman.” I played it off, uh, “Catch Bull at Four,” “Teaser and the Firecat”, um--

Steve: Do- you don’t have a, sort of, deal with Island Records--

Ricky chuckles

Steve: To try and keep their Cat Stevens back catalog afloat.

Ricky laughs

Steve: No one’s really shifting it.

Ricky: I think it might just be CDs that are in the bottom of a bag--

Steve: This is what I’m thinking, yeah.

Ricky: I’m so lazy that I’ve brought in--

Steve: It’s just that you’ve got one carrier bag that you bring back and--

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Steve: Well, we’ll look forwards to those later.

Ricky: Yeah. Go on.

Steve: No, no, no, no, no. I was just, I was just really wondering Rick and I don’t want to put you on the spot, but could I have some adverts?

Ricky: Yeah.

Advertisements

Genius, or Bloke With Hair?

Ricky: Feeder, “Come Back Around” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais.

Steve: Hello, there. Steve Merchant here.

Ricky: Course you are. And, uh, and-and so is Claire Sturgess in a way.

Steve: That’s true enough!

Ricky: So…

Steve: That’s true enough.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, Rick, uh- oh, I partied till it was, I partied last night, Rick, like it was 1999.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: Uh, all over again.

Ricky: What, sort of a old-fashioned, sort of, way. Some old records.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Steve: On my own.

Ricky laughs

Steve: In my flat, crying.

Ricky: Just like 1999.

Steve: Yeah, just like 1999. Now, uh, went to see Prince. At the, uh--

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: At the Hammersmith Apollo and I tell ya this, I mean, if that’s a man whose career is going down the pan, then I’m sorry.

Ricky: Then I hope ours does.

Steve: Then I hope our does as excitingly as that.

Ricky: Does.

Steve: Because he was stunning.

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: I mean, he is- a lot of people I know have seen him in the, in the, in the ages or whatever, in his- when he used to descend from a ceiling, you know.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: A little red corvette and stuff, but he is breathtaking. He is like--

Ricky: I-I always thought he was--

Steve: He’s like what it must have been to see Elvis Presley.

Ricky: Well, yeah. No, no, I--

Steve: I’ve not seen anyone who’s electrifying on stage.

Ricky: I mean, I-I think, like, most people had a bit too much of him and that wasn’t cause his- it was going downhill. It’s cause he churned out double albums like most people churn out singles. And you don’t know what you should--

Steve: You can’t take it all in.

Ricky: It was just too much.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I didn’t like the, you know, the-the, sort of, the end of the eighties phase, either, too much.

Steve: Well, that whole period when he was fi-fighting with Warner Brothers and he was, he started wearing masks and--

Ricky: Slave.

Steve: And I think everyone just thought, “I’m not interested.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, “You’re-you’re-you’re potty.” But he’s going to come out the other side of that and, um--

Ricky: He’s come out with some great tracks, though! Great pop tunes and he’s written, you know I-I think he’s brilliant.

Steve: Well, you know, I don’t bandy this word around, Rick, as you know…

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: But I’d like to use the word “genius.”

Ricky: I thought you were going to say, “I’ll pay for that.”

Steve: No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Genius.

Ricky: Oh, well.

Steve: Genius. I- cause I would say--

Ricky: There’s strong words, Steve. There's strong words.

Steve: It is a strong word, Rick. It is a strong word.

Ricky: Can you back it up? Have you got any example of his work that we could play now on XFM to show that he is a genius?

Steve: I- Well, I will in just one second, thanks for asking. But, um--

Claire laughs

Steve: Can I, can I try and justify that? Can I- cause it is a controversial phrase.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To use. Um, “Prince is a genius.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And let me tell you why; on his first album, or maybe on a couple of his first albums, he played all the instruments.

Ricky: Brilliant. Like Squiddly Diddly.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: In-in one episode of that I saw.

Steve: (unintelligible) “Excuse me!”

Ricky: Diddly was playing the piano with his two tentacles--

Steve: But that’s--

Ricky: Then he was, like, playing drums with two tentacles in the back. He was standing on two tentacles which left the other one free for trumpet.

Steve: That sounds like genius to me!

Ricky: Yeah! Ohh.

Steve: That’s what Mr. Prince- The only thing I would say about the concert last night; three hours, he played for three hours--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Nonstop, well, almost three hours. Nonstop. Didn’t take a break. But cracking band. Only five people--

Ricky: Imagine him taking a break, just reading a paper, having a coffee. Going, “What are you looking at?”

Steve: And also very--

Ricky: “I’ve got twenty minutes! By law.”

Claire chuckles

Steve: Very witty, as well cause a lot of people imagine him being quite dry and quite sober.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He was very funny, but, sadly, Prince now- well, I don’t mean to be offensive--

Ricky: You couldn’t see him. He is very small. What?

Steve: As far as I’m concerned, he, you know, he’s now a Jehovah Witness.

Ricky: Is he?

Steve: He’s now a Jehovah’s Witness so--

Ricky: And he’s going to come around tonight.

Steve: Well, no, but at the end he did sort of spout on about, uh, you know, his beliefs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, and I felt a bit like I’d, d'you know what I mean, like I’d, sort of, paid forty quid and I’d queued up and I’d sat for three hours to then--

Ricky: You paid forty quid?

Steve: To then, to then be preached at a little bit. So that was the only thing that-that put that down for me.

Ricky: Well, I’ll tell you what; good job for him. He was good value cause he’d have got an earful from you if he didn’t--

Steve: Oh ho ho!

Ricky: Imagine if he’d not played the singles.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Or only did twenty minutes.

Steve: Yeah. Well, I’d have been livid. I’d have stormed out. “I’m out of here!”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um, but, um, but I did- cause I don’t know--

Ricky: So you’ve had- hang on. Interesting, Steve Merchant says Prince is a genius. This is XFM 104.9 coming up to two o’ clock.

Claire laughs

Ricky: Prince is a genius! Can we open the phone lines, please? What’s the phone, uh, number there, Claire?

Claire: It’s 08700 800 1234.

Ricky: Me and my mate were talking about when people say genius and they do bandy it around willy-nilly and it‘s sort of like, um, a-a comedian or something like- They go, “He’s a genius” and we think that there’s-there’s people in cancer research, sort of, laboratories and AIDs and they're going, “We lost another one to ITV!”

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: “Why didn’t he go into science? He could have been the new Newton, but now he‘s getting the ratings up for Five.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But-but Prince is a genius! Is he?

Steve: [email protected] if you’d like to e-mail!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Prince; genius or little fella?

Steve and Claire laughs

Ricky: It’s up to you!

Steve: But when you are a Jehovah’s Witness- I don’t know, I don't know much about the, uh, the faith. But are you, are you obliged when you sign up to, sort of, do your time going door-to-door. Because it would be- Imagine Prince turning up at your door and just, “Hi, can I come in?” “Well… Oh, I don’t know.” And it, you know, and just coming in and, “Well, I’ll sing you some of the hits, but I’d like you to buy a copy of this afterwards.” “I’m not really interested.”

Ricky: Why are they--

Steve: “Which ones you going to play? Which ones are you going to play? Cause I’m not a big fan of- I don’t like, uh, ‘If I was Your Girlfriend’ and anything from ‘Diamonds and Pearls’ I’m not interested in. So shoot off.”

Ricky: Yeah. I quite like--

Steve: Cause I thought they were going to start selling “The Watchtower” at the end.

Ricky sings: Could you be the most beautif--

Ricky: I like that one.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: With all those-th-those fat people in it.

Steve: Does it make him, does it make him a genius?

Ricky: Oh! Call up. 1023596429!

Steve and Claire laugh

Ricky: Prince; genius or bloke with hair?

Steve laughs

Steve: Well, this has got to be proof of his, of his genius. He played it last night and it’s just dynamite.

Ricky: Here is “Strawberry Sky.”

Steve chuckles

Song: Prince- Raspberry Beret

I've Just Seen Your Video

Steve: Prince, of course, and “Raspberry Beret.” One of the tunes he played last night and, uh, breathtaking, I have to say. I can’t sing his praises enough. Although, uh, didn’t manage to get myself into the after-show party where Prince is often renowned for playing with the likes--

Ricky: I just--

Steve: Jamming with the likes of Rolling Stones--

Ricky: What-what-what would’ve been your, uh, your approach to getting in?

Steve: “Hello, there. Stephen Merchant here at XFM. Ricky Gervais show. Um, any chance I could come in--”

Ricky: “To your… party?”

Steve: “To your party, please?”

Ricky: “Uh…I’ll be honest, um, uh, can I, can I call you Hanky?”

Steve: “Well, if it’d help me get in, yeah.”

Ricky: “Um, it-it won’t, but thank you anyway. I’ll be honest, Lanky, your chances are slim to to none. Four eyes.”

Steve and Claire laugh

Steve: “Okay. Alright. Um, I-I-I enjoyed the concert, if that… is any…”

Ricky: “Okay.”

Steve: “I could talk about it on the radio. I could talk about it on the radio tomorrow.”

Ricky: “I’m going to take away that slim.”

Steve: “Okay.”

Ricky: “It’s none, now, freak.”

Steve: “Okay.”

Ricky: “Okay?”

Steve: “Alright.”

Ricky: “So go away, yeah?”

Steve: “Cheers.”

Ricky: “Okay.”

Steve: Ohh.

Ricky: Was it something like that?

Steve: It was not dissimilar, Rick.

Ricky laughs

Steve: There was a lot more profanity last night.

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: And, um, and punches were thrown.

Ricky: Was it last night?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Steve: Yeah. It was breathtaking. I, um… how’s it working out for you, Rick? How’s it working out for you being a celeb? How is that working out? How is that panning out for you? Is that alright?

Ricky: What do you mean?

Steve: Is that working alright, Rick? Is it? Hey? All the fame and everything? How’s, how was, how was David Bowie on Tuesday? I read about that. Why-why did I have, why did I have to read about your presence at the David Bowie gig in the Evening Standard? Why’d you keep that from--

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: Why’d you keep that from me?

Ricky: Right, okay. Right. I know what you’re thinking. I got an invite, it was freebies and I did get invited.

Steve: Cause I’ve discussed this in the past.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I said that if you get invited to David Bowie or any of the big name concerts, I’ve got to go as well. That’s the rule.

Ricky: Right. Right.

Steve: That’s the rule that is that we make the TV show, you’re in the show, you become famous; fine.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I need to be able to also get the benefits of that.

Ricky: Well, I didn’t go. Was- did you read this in The Standard?

Steve: Yes, I did.

Ricky: Yeah, no. It said--

Steve: Well, I- it was in the paper, Rick.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: It was in the paper.

Ricky: It said, “Present at the concert-” It's absolutely true. I’m not bullshitting you. Absolutely true, um, “In the concert were Ricky Gervais and Jonathan Ross.” Now, we were invited, but we couldn’t go. Neither of us could go.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So, just, I just think they must have seen a copy of the guest list or someone said they were coming or something like that. Or just guessed. But I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. So there you go. It was Wednesday and I couldn’t go. If I’d have gone… you’d have been there, mate.

Steve: Rubbish!

Ricky titters

Steve: Cause what worries me is--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That you-you-you were invited or-or you requested tickets and then you didn’t go.

Ricky: No, no, um, what happened was, um, Bowie’s people, um, just said, uh, “Are you coming to the concert tonight?” and I-I-I said I-I couldn’t. But--

Steve: But--

Ricky: Let me tell you something, let me tell you something--

Steve: Wait a minute.

Ricky: To get you off this track, right? The next night… we did go to dinner with Bowie at someone’s house.

Silence

Ricky: But-but wait, right. Listen. It was a very, it was a small affair. It was just, it was, um, me and Jane, Jonathan, uh, and Jane. It was, um, David, uh--

Steve: First names.

Ricky: Yeah, no, no. And, uh, I think it was old friends of the family. It was a beautiful house and, um, it was just us lot and, um, Richard E. Grant and, uh, Pete Townsend and Charles Saatchi an’ that. And it was just-just, you know, I think it was--

Ricky clears throat

Ricky: And it was set places as well, so I couldn’t have got another… It was weird cause we got there. I mean, it said eight or eight-thirty and I got there at, like, five past eight and Jane went, “You can’t go too early.” And we went in there and we, um, the, uh, the-the-the-the... servants, um, gave us, uh, a drink and we’re just standing there and I was looking around. It was an amazing house. It was a beautiful house and there’s Damien Hirst paintings and Lucian Freud and I thought, “Oh, when the host comes in, I’m going to go, ‘You didn’t tidy up for us, did you?’” But I was actually so overwhelmed and in through the door, let himself in through the door, was Richard E. Grant. And I went, “Alright?” and he went, “Yeah, I’m Richard.” I went, “Yep. Alright?” And, uh, I went, “Just-just let yourself in?” and he went, “Yeah, I just live next door.” I went, “Oh, okay.” And then, and then David Bowie came in and he came 'round and spoke to me. He went, “I’ve just seen your video.” and, uh, and then, um- This isn’t helping, is it, cause your- this isn’t helping.

Steve: Well, when you- I mean, the phrase I was just going to pick you up there on was, “I’ve just seen your video.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um, cause what- no, I just feel that what--

Ricky continues to laugh

Ricky: No!

Steve: I-Shh.

Ricky: No--

Steve: Just-just for a second--

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: What-what I feel, what I feel that David should know is that it wasn’t made, sort of, solely by you.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Or-or written entirely by or directed entirely by you.

Ricky: No, no!

Steve: It happens to feature you amongst a myriad of other actors, all of whom are brilliant and equally worthy of an invite to that, uh, particular do.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But you’ll notice that-that the person that’s representing the show, what got you a place ‘round this table, you'll notice the one person invited is you.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Just-just, it’s just you.

Ricky: Yeah. Well, there’s a very good reason for that--

Steve: And the woman, what do you know, who wasn’t involved with the show.

Ricky: Who?

Steve: Your girlfriend.

Ricky: Well, we’re partners. You’ve got to, you know, that’s it. It’s-it’s--

Steve: Well, yeah, but once again, she could have stayed at home.

Ricky: And you could have gone in her place?

Steve: Hello?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, I did actually say if ever I get invited to see Woody Allen and it’s two people, that it’d have to be you and Jane that went cause you’re both bigger fans than me.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I-I promise that.

Steve: So, um--

Ricky: She went along with that.

Steve: So David enjoyed the show, did he?

Ricky: He did, yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, he did, yeah.

Steve: And, uh, and how did the evening pan out? Was it suitably rock ‘n roll?

Ricky: Um, it was very nice. It was really nice. It was pleasant, family-

Claire: What did you have to eat?

Ricky: Um, I had, uh, it was, it was nibbles, sort of, coming around--

Claire: Nice, yeah.

Ricky: And then, um--

Steve: They fed you the food, didn’t they?

Ricky and Claire chuckle

Steve: I bet you- I bet they fed you the food.

Ricky: And then, um, we had, uh, um, oh, what was it? What was for starter? Um, oh, it was like a ravioli thing for starter. I thought, “I won’t have too much. I’ll fill up before the fish dish.” The fish was lovely. Then there was, sort of, a chestnut mousse.

Steve: And what did you talk about with David Bowie?

Ricky: Um, just… you know.

Steve: You know--

Ricky: Music.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Music.

Steve: You appearing on his next album.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

Steve: No, what, seriously, cause I’m interested to know.

Ricky: He was really nice. He’s really, he’s really so nice and normal and, uh, he actually came over and said, “I’ve-I’ve just seen your video.” and it- then he went, he said, “Are you going to get the band back together?” He meant he’d seen the “Room 101”--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And that- he was basically taking the Mickey out of me.

Steve: Mm. Mm.

Ricky: And he was going, “Oh, I thought it was really good.” And, uh, uh--

Claire chuckles

Steve: Cause you were just a, sort of, Bowie rip-off, weren’t you, essentially?

Ricky: Yeah and- yeah. And, um, no, he was really, really nice and normal affair. Seriously, it was just really- I mean, I was going, “Oh my God, there’s so and so, there’s so and so.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, but it was really- we really enjoyed it. It was really pleasant and, uh, everyone was, you know. And at the end, um, uh, the-the-the people whose house it was, a f-friend of his, like-like, sort of, really old friends of his, got out a photo album, just like you do, and there’s pictures of, like, David… Bowie and, uh--

Steve: Dave, yeah, sure. Well, no, I mean, that’s the thing about DB is he’s--

Ricky: And Iggy Pop and them cooking and David Bowie’s going, “Look at Iggy cooking!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he was laughing like you do a mate you haven’t seen.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It was so sweet! It was just so nice and then- I’m gonna, I’m gonna- see- play a record, Claire, cause he’s actually a little bit annoyed with me. Play a record.

Steve: Then Robert DeNiro popped in.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And it all got a little bit depressing.

Ricky: And Woody Allen.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he went, “Do you know anyone that likes my work more than you do?” I went, “I don’t think so.”

Steve chuckles

Ricky: “I don’t think so.”

Song: Coldplay- Science