28 May 2005/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 28 May 2005 episode, from Xfm Series 4

I'm Not Made of Money, Rick!

Ricky: Since you been gone by Rainbow, since we've been gone, Steve, what's been going on mate?

Steve: Well so much has happened, hasn't it, in the world, you know, in politics and stuff, there's been an election.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and our producer.

Ricky and Steve giggle.

Ricky: I say 'producer'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Yeah very good, we've been away a while, I think the last show we did was Jan 2004.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: ... and nothing's changed.

Steve: Nothing's changed whatsoever.

Ricky: ...nothing's been mended. I mean I'm pretty sure I threw that away in the bin.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Before I went, before I left.

Steve: ...yeah there's some of your old bacon rinds from that sandwich, still left over there.

Ricky: Yeah, the spare ribs on the floor, nothing's changed at all, oh that's not true, the listenership's changed, it went down slightly didn't on the last Rajar.

Steve: Well I don't know, I don't know, is that, is that what happened? Did it go down slightly Karl?

Karl: A little bit I think.

Ricky: I don't think Xfm gets new listeners, I think what happens is, the reason it goes down, just very slightly each time is their old listeners die, you know, old Cure fans dying of...

Steve: ...smack addiction.

Ricky: Yeah! Gout! Well, but anyway, I haven't listened to this station for a year and a half, so that's increased by one which is probably quite a high percentage.

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: So, um...

Steve: Well, I suppose, my question to you Rick would be, you know, why now, why come back now?

Ricky: Bit bored, bored of sitting at home.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cos we're just here for six weeks.

Ricky: Six weeks, well, we're standing in for Adam and Joe aren't we?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ah, the tables have turned, I remember when they were standing in for us.

Ricky: Yeah, I...don't...

Steve: Well, the only reason I'm here is that my housekeeper cleans between 1 and 3.

Ricky: Oh right that's a good idea.

Steve: So I thought I'd nip, get out of the house.

Ricky: and, er, are they listening to Xfm?

Steve: Well no she doesn't speak English. I'm not made of money Rick.

Ricky screeches with laughter.

Steve: You know, if I can help out a young immigrant lady, then I will do, and there are so many things I can do for her, in so many ways.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: But her picking up my old tea towels and stuff is ideal, so that's why I'm here, but all I'm worried about is, I think people kind of associate with the name Ricky Gervais, they associate a certain level of quality, you know, your live stand up DVDs, there's a level of quality, you put a lot of work into them, you've honed it. The TV work you've done likewise. Should people expect the same from the radio show?

Ricky: Definitely not.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Definitely not. Those things, you, you, you know, you sit down, we write them, for a long time, we write 'em for a year, maybe, then film them, we worry about everything, this is, I really... I'm not even sure I'm talking into the mic at the moment.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: I was actually doodling as you saw there. I'm eating a sandwich as we speak. You know, you know, if you... although we do like music. That is true.

Steve: That's absolutely right.

Ricky: Should we just play some great records?

Steve: Let's play a great record now.

The Old Finger Up The Arse

To be completed.

Try Both

To be completed.

Nowt There

To be completed.

They Don't Age well

To be completed.

Gog-lanker

To be completed.

That's Awful Karl

To be completed.

Where's A Tsunami When You Need One

To be completed.

That Sounded Great!

To be completed.

It's Like Jackass

To be completed.

They're Just Walkies

To be completed.