28 May 2005/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 28 May 2005 episode, from Xfm Series 4

I'm Not Made of Money, Rick!

Ricky: Since you been gone by Rainbow, since we've been gone, Steve, what's been going on mate?

Steve: Well so much has happened, hasn't it, in the world, you know, in politics and stuff, there's been an election.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and our producer.

Ricky and Steve giggle.

Ricky: I say 'producer'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Yeah very good, we've been away a while, I think the last show we did was Jan 2004.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: ... and nothing's changed.

Steve: Nothing's changed whatsoever.

Ricky: ...nothing's been mended. I mean I'm pretty sure I threw that away in the bin.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Before I went, before I left.

Steve: ...yeah there's some of your old bacon rinds from that sandwich, still left over there.

Ricky: Yeah, the spare ribs on the floor, nothing's changed at all, oh that's not true, the listenership's changed, it went down slightly didn't on the last Rajar.

Steve: Well I don't know, I don't know, is that, is that what happened? Did it go down slightly Karl?

Karl: A little bit I think.

Ricky: I don't think Xfm gets new listeners, I think what happens is, the reason it goes down, just very slightly each time is their old listeners die, you know, old Cure fans dying of...

Steve: ...smack addiction.

Ricky: Yeah! Gout! Well, but anyway, I haven't listened to this station for a year and a half, so that's increased by one which is probably quite a high percentage.

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: So, um...

Steve: Well, I suppose, my question to you Rick would be, you know, why now, why come back now?

Ricky: Bit bored, bored of sitting at home.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cos we're just here for six weeks.

Ricky: Six weeks, well, we're standing in for Adam and Joe aren't we?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ah, the tables have turned, I remember when they were standing in for us.

Ricky: Yeah, I...don't...

Steve: Well, the only reason I'm here is that my housekeeper cleans between 1 and 3.

Ricky: Oh right that's a good idea.

Steve: So I thought I'd nip, get out of the house.

Ricky: and, er, are they listening to Xfm?

Steve: Well no she doesn't speak English. I'm not made of money Rick.

Ricky screeches with laughter.

Steve: You know, if I can help out a young immigrant lady, then I will do, and there are so many things I can do for her, in so many ways.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: But her picking up my old tea towels and stuff is ideal, so that's why I'm here, but all I'm worried about is, I think people kind of associate with the name Ricky Gervais, they associate a certain level of quality, you know, your live stand up DVDs, there's a level of quality, you put a lot of work into them, you've honed it. The TV work you've done likewise. Should people expect the same from the radio show?

Ricky: Definitely not.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Definitely not. Those things, you, you, you know, you sit down, we write them, for a long time, we write 'em for a year, maybe, then film them, we worry about everything, this is, I really... I'm not even sure I'm talking into the mic at the moment.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: I was actually doodling as you saw there. I'm eating a sandwich as we speak. You know, you know, if you... although we do like music. That is true.

Steve: That's absolutely right.

Ricky: Should we just play some great records?

Steve: Let's play a great record now.

The Old Finger Up The Arse

To be completed.

Try Both

Ricky: Yeah, I know, but is it an underscore or is it a dash?

Karl: Try both.

Hoots of laughter from Ricky and Steve

Ricky: He copied it down!

Karl: ???? have a go.

Ricky's laugh intensifies

Ricky: That's the sort of level we're talking about.

Steve: Well, already you've got some insight into the mind of Karl Pilkington.

Ricky's laugh subsides

Ricky: Yeah, absolutely, yeah...

Steve: But I thought what we should do is we could ???hi-jack..

Ricky's laugh starts up again

Ricky: ?????Imagine that. Imagine Bill Gates -

Steve: Yeah. Or a teacher -

Ricky: A teach-

Steve: - in an exam: 'Pop down both'.

Ricky's laugh starts to sound like a chicken

Ricky: Multiple choice!

Steve: Yeah,

Ricky: Yeah, okay....

Steve: But, anyway, yeah, if you're a reader of the Weekend Guardian, you'll know there's this thing called the Q&A, which they give to celebrities and thinkers, and the like. And basically it's a series of questions they pose to people each week, and it's the same questions. And it gives a little insight into people's minds, the way they think.

Ricky: What particular, what thinker-philosopher is in this week's? Steve laughs

Steve: It's the lead singer of Feeder. Ricky laughs.

Steve: So, um....you're in good company, Karl.

Ricky: No, I like Feeder.

Steve: No, fine.

Ricky: I love Feeder.

Steve: So, Karl, I'm just gonna fire a couple of these questions at you. We'll really drop them in throughout the course of this show, just to try and get a sense of who you are. Um... so here's the first up, first question, alright? Got your thinking head on?

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: You wurzel.

Steve: What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Karl: Ehhh....what, for me, or...?

Steve: Or every-

Ricky: No, Ronnie Corbett.

Karl: No, no, but what... Do you mean, like, what would make me happy, or for everyone to be happy.

Ricky: No, what would make you happy. Maybe that is, maybe that's the answer - your idea of perfect happiness is everyone being happy. I don't know. What's your, what would make you totally....

Steve: Unlikely, Rick. I imagine it's a twenty-four-hour monkey channel on, like, Sky...

Rick laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah...Okay, go on. A never-ending popsicle.

Steve: What's your idea of perfect happiness?

Ricky: Go on, go on....

Karl: Ehhh....I don't think I've had it yet, where I'm like really, really happy with anything.

Ricky: Karl, I've never seen you really happy, no.

Karl: No, but....um...

Steve: When have you been at your happiest?

Karl: Probably... I like, sort of, fish fingers, potato cakes and beans, for a... for tea.

Ricky: Yeah. You're not...yeah.

Steve: Right, well, let's move on. We'll come back to that one.

Ricky: I don't think you're aiming high enough for, uh...

Karl: Well, what would your answer be for that? When are you happy? What would make you happy?

Ricky: I wouldn't have the, I'd have fish fingers, but I probably wouldn't have the potato cakes.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: I'd have fish fingers and beans.

Steve: See, I'm not a huge fan of the beans.

Ricky: Really? So your idea of perfect happiness is probably just fish fingers, is it?

Steve: Just the fish fingers.

Ricky: Okay, good.

Steve: Alright, second question: what is your greatest fear, Karl.

Karl: Mmm...going to the doctor's.

Ricky: So, so...presumably, uh, ill health and mortality.

Karl: Ehhhh....

Steve: No, just the doctor's.

Karl: No, I don't-

Ricky: Any particular doctor?

Karl: I don't want to live forever, either.

Ricky: No, no...

Karl: I just want a good innings. I just want to get to about eighty....eighty-three, eighty-four? Rick laughs

Ricky: So specific....so specific! Yeah, okay...

Steve: Which living person do you most admire?

Long pause

Karl: Ehhhh.....

Another long pause

Steve: Which person throughout any time in history do you most admire?

Karl: Winston Churchill's pretty good.

Steve: You like him?

Ricky: Yeah. Very good.

Karl: Yeah, he's alright.

Steve: Why?

Ricky: Good answer.

Karl: 'Cos, if it wasn't for him, we'd be talking German. And I'm not that good at that. So... Ricky laughs

Ricky: ???? he's not that good at that. I love the fact that even if the Nazis won, right, in 1945, and we'd be now speaking German, he still wouldn't be that good at it. Although he's not good at English. So, yeah, I suppose he's, I suppose that's true, isn't it? Yeah...

Steve: Alright, well, here's one, here's the final one for now. Do you believe in capital punishment?

Karl: Ehhhh....

Ricky: That's not hitting Dr Fox over the head with a stick. Steve laughs

Karl: Depends....depends what for, doesn't it?

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Oh, if it's something bad. And uh...

Ricky: Well, I assume it would be. They don't, they don't kill people now for parking illegally.

Karl: But what sort of, what sort of thing are you talking about? What sort of punishment?

Steve: Capital punishment.

Karl: Yeah, I know, but what is that, what are you talking about?

Ricky: Well, guillotine, hanging...

Karl: Uhhhh...hanging's a bit bad.

Ricky: Yeah. Can be fatal, can't it? What do you mean hanging's a bit bad?

Karl: It's just....

Ricky: It's all bad. Why kill, why should the state kill someone.

Karl: Because prisons are getting a bit busy, aren't they?

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: I just, what's, what's the point in keeping them a- you know, people, people around...

Ricky: Well, what's the point in killing them?

Karl: Just 'cos it's like, right, that's that done. Who's next? ??????? Ricky and Steve laughing

Karl: What can you do with someone if they're mental? Ricky and Steve laugh louder

Steve: Employ them on a radio show!!!

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Play a record, Karl.

Ricky: Right, next question

Steve: Play a record. We'll come back to the questions.

Karl: I've, uhh, what do you want, what have you got in here?

Steve: Rick, I know you're a massive fan of The Thorns.

Ricky: Yeah, I love them.

Steve: Maybe you're less familiar with the different elements of The Thorns' solo work.

Ricky: No, I...

Steve: This is a track from Matthew Sweet.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Nowt There

To be completed.

They Don't Age well

To be completed.

Gog-lanker

To be completed.

That's Awful Karl

To be completed.

Where's A Tsunami When You Need One

To be completed.

That Sounded Great!

To be completed.

It's Like Jackass

To be completed.

They're Just Walkies

To be completed.