28 May 2005/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 28 May 2005 episode, from Xfm Series 4

I'm Not Made of Money, Rick!

Ricky: Since you been gone by Rainbow, since we've been gone, Steve, what's been going on mate?

Steve: Well so much has happened, hasn't it, in the world, you know, in politics and stuff, there's been an election.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and our producer.

Ricky and Steve giggle.

Ricky: I say 'producer'.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Yeah very good, we've been away a while, I think the last show we did was Jan 2004.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: ... and nothing's changed.

Steve: Nothing's changed whatsoever.

Ricky: ...nothing's been mended. I mean I'm pretty sure I threw that away in the bin.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Before I went, before I left.

Steve: ...yeah there's some of your old bacon rinds from that sandwich, still left over there.

Ricky: Yeah, the spare ribs on the floor, nothing's changed at all, oh that's not true, the listenership's changed, it went down slightly didn't on the last Rajar.

Steve: Well I don't know, I don't know, is that, is that what happened? Did it go down slightly Karl?

Karl: A little bit I think.

Ricky: I don't think Xfm gets new listeners, I think what happens is, the reason it goes down, just very slightly each time is their old listeners die, you know, old Cure fans dying of...

Steve: ...smack addiction.

Ricky: Yeah! Gout! Well, but anyway, I haven't listened to this station for a year and a half, so that's increased by one which is probably quite a high percentage.

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: So, um...

Steve: Well, I suppose, my question to you Rick would be, you know, why now, why come back now?

Ricky: Bit bored, bored of sitting at home.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Cos we're just here for six weeks.

Ricky: Six weeks, well, we're standing in for Adam and Joe aren't we?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ah, the tables have turned, I remember when they were standing in for us.

Ricky: Yeah, I...don't...

Steve: Well, the only reason I'm here is that my housekeeper cleans between 1 and 3.

Ricky: Oh right that's a good idea.

Steve: So I thought I'd nip, get out of the house.

Ricky: and, er, are they listening to Xfm?

Steve: Well no she doesn't speak English. I'm not made of money Rick.

Ricky screeches with laughter.

Steve: You know, if I can help out a young immigrant lady, then I will do, and there are so many things I can do for her, in so many ways.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: But her picking up my old tea towels and stuff is ideal, so that's why I'm here, but all I'm worried about is, I think people kind of associate with the name Ricky Gervais, they associate a certain level of quality, you know, your live stand up DVDs, there's a level of quality, you put a lot of work into them, you've honed it. The TV work you've done likewise. Should people expect the same from the radio show?

Ricky: Definitely not.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Definitely not. Those things, you, you, you know, you sit down, we write them, for a long time, we write 'em for a year, maybe, then film them, we worry about everything, this is, I really... I'm not even sure I'm talking into the mic at the moment.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: I was actually doodling as you saw there. I'm eating a sandwich as we speak. You know, you know, if you... although we do like music. That is true.

Steve: That's absolutely right.

Ricky: Should we just play some great records?

Steve: Let's play a great record now.

The Old Finger Up The Arse

Ricky: U2, City of Blinding Light, I'll tell you what, I love U2 now.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: I honestly hated them, sort of everything from Boy up to about, I think...

Ricky pauses to contemplate U2's back catalogue.

Ricky: ...Beautiful Day, when that came out, I thought 'oh that's alright', listened to the album, listened to this album, I love 'em now Steve. That's a turnaround innit.

Steve: Well yeah, it's that kind of musical insight that I'm looking for throughout this show.

Ricky: I sounded like Dr Fox then didn't I?

Steve: Yeah, just finding out some of your tastes and wants and needs...

Ricky: Dr Fox, what's happened to him? Is he off air now?

No-one answers.

Ricky: Cos that's one of the reasons I put no effort into this radio show. Because, you know, we go to the Golden Globes, the same month we do nothing at The Sony, and Dr Fox actually said 'that's because you're not very good.'

Steve: I like the fact that the Dr Fox criticisms really hit you quite hard.

Ricky cackles.

Steve: You know...

Ricky: Still talking about it a year later.

Steve: Exactly, you gotta let it go Rick.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But then again, you know he is a medical man.

Ricky: Yeah, well you know you gotta believe him.

Steve: Trust his opinion.

Ricky: Exactly, yeah, yeah, I could have done without the rectal examination, I think he could have just said 'you're not very good, try and enunciate, not 'I know what the problem is, oh let's have a look down here.'

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Karl had to... you had to go to one of those Well clinics didn't you?

Karl: No, I haven't gone.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Cos I'm not happy with it.

Ricky: What?

Karl: I'm not happy with the whole, it's just, do people know what them places, places are...

Ricky: Well they give you a whole...

Karl: Have you heard of them?

Ricky: Well I've had one, yeah. They, they take, they check everything.

Steve: Which, you know, Suzanne me girlfriend was like, you know, you're 30-odd now, when was the last time you went to the doctor's and I hadn't been for ages, cos I...

Ricky: I know, I never go, I never go, unless I honestly think I'm gonna die there in agony.

Karl: They can always find something.

Ricky: Jane made me go to one of those Well things. Those Bupa things, where they do, yeah, couple a hundred quid and they give you complete head to toe, don't they...

Karl: But, but, head to bottom...

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: ...is what it is. They do they old... finger up the arse thing.

Steve: Now, what is that testing for?

Ricky: What I like is, he said it quietly, cos he's on the radio, you can't say arse, say it quietly.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Say it quietly, yeah, yeah. (quietly) arse, arse. That was what our mistake was, cos we got a complaint upheld didn't we, for saying, and I'm talking about a male chicken here, which is a cock as you know, but we said that word right, so if we had gone (quietly) “cock”, we would probably have gotten away with it.

Steve: You can get away with murder if you just whisper it.

Ricky: So go on, go on then, yeah, so...

Karl: I just, I just, I'm not going, cos I'm not having that done, I don't understand, what they're gonna find up there, that's...

Ricky cackles loudly.

Steve: Your head?

Ricky cackles again.

Karl: Why can't, why can't they, you know it's the heart I worry about, the most.

Ricky cackles again.

Steve: You mean that in a kind of romantic sense?

Karl: No, I mean like, you know...

Ricky: They'd have to have a long finger wouldn't they, to check that out, they go 'there's something wrong with your left ventricle.'

Steve: This thing about... this thing about doctors, they hold your testicles and they make you cough.

Ricky: Yeah, they don't hold your testicles any more, they just put it like by the side of them.

Steve: ...and what is that testing for?

Ricky: I don't know, I think it's something to do with, if you've got something wrong with your diaphragm or something like that, you can't do it when they press there, I don't know, it shows them something, it's not doctors having a quick feel.

Steve: So...

Karl makes an 'unsure' noise.

Ricky cackles.

Ricky: Well, that's good, cos you remember when Karl said he's gonna die of cancer, and I said 'why?' and he said 'I don't check me balls', I said 'why?', he said 'I don't like the feel'.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: So they feel it for ya, they feel 'em for ya and you can just relax, shut your eyes and think of England.

Karl: Well don't mess with 'em.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Karl: You can do more damage messing about with them, just leave 'em. There's two anyway, you can afford to lose one.

Ricky: Yeah... I don't think that's the point, I think the point is it sort of spreads doesn't it, you know, you've gotta check...

Karl: Yeah, I mean I'm not saying, you know, don't do it, cos they spend a lot of money saying to people have a quick feel if you've got the time what have you.

Ricky and Steve giggle.

Karl: But I don't worry about it, leave it. Leave it alone.

Ricky: (Laughing) Why?

Steve: Why out of interest, why do doctors stick fingers up your (quietly) arse.

Ricky: To check your prostate.

Steve: check your prostate?

Ricky: Yeah cos if it's swollen, yeah, it can, you know, it can lead to all sorts of problems. Again, they're not having a laugh Karl. They're not going, “here y'are, look at this little bald Manc fella...

Karl: There's no nice way...

Ricky: ...I'll feel his balls, stick a finger up his arse and send him home, 300 quid please, on you go.” 'What about me heart?' “It's fine.” They're all laughing.

Steve: “Roger, Geoff, stand behind that two-way mirror...”

Ricky: Yeah! “Watch this!”

Karl: Oh I'm not going anyway.

Ricky: Really? You're not going cos you...

Karl: No I'm not happy with that, it doesn't even matter, it's not the fact that it's a stranger, if it was someone who I knew... it would be just as bad.

Ricky: (Exploding with laughter) That would be worse!! Imagine that! At a dinner party, oh god, “oh hello, hello Roger and Selina, do you mind, Roger, do you mind...”

Steve: Would you allow any of the celebrity doctors to do it though, Dr Dre?

Ricky & Steve: Dr Fox?

Ricky: Any of those?

Steve: Dr Who?

Karl: I just don't understand in this day and age, why...

Ricky: Would you allow Christopher Ecclestone to stick his big Northern finger up your...

Karl: Let's... do you want a song on anyway?

Ricky: What? Beanie Sigel, I love this track.

Steve: This is very urban for you Rick.

Song: Beanie Sigel - Feel it in the Air

Try Both

Ricky: Beanie Sigel - Feel it in the Air. Beautiful track, isn't it?

Steve: Oh, it's wonderful, and on a lovely summer's day like this as well, Rick, it's the ideal choice. Wonderful, that one.

Ricky: Well, I'm a little bit worried that If there are any new listeners - very unlikely - that they may, you know, be familiar with our work, but they might not know the, the wonderful little gem that we found, just there, a little rough diamond in the, in the... mud.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just working here, just working away as a little producer, little sound man.

Steve: A drone.

Ricky: Yeah. And we gave him his opportunity, didn't we?

Karl: Mmmm...

Ricky: It's like Cinderella, wasn't it?

Steve: Yep. And he grasped that opportunity, didn't you? - by the horns. And three years later you're exactly where you started.....

Ricky laughing

Steve: ....So, good work.

Karl: I've got Mondays off now.

Riotous laughter from Rick and Steve

Steve: Well, I thought maybe a useful way of introducing the mind of Karl Pilkington...

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: ....to our new audience....

Ricky: You use that term loosely.

Steve: Yeah, when I say 'mind', I don't ..... yeah

Ricky laughing

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Um, I thought what, what....

Ricky: Look at his face!

Steve: Ah! There is a website, have you got the website address?

Ricky: Oh, there's a website that we've just found. Right, Karl, what is the address?

Steve: If you are unfamiliar with what Karl looks like....

Ricky: Please log onto this now.

Steve: Log onto this website and stay tuned, but just... log onto the website, 'cos you'll see Karl's face, you'll see some of his pearls of wisdom....

Ricky: Yeah. And what's it, what's the address, Karl?

Karl: Uhhh...freewebs dot com....

Ricky: Doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou dot...

Karl: Yep... freewebs dot com

Ricky: ....freewebs dot com

Karl: Yep... forward slash

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Uh, the dash K dash man, forward slash...

Steve: The K-man. It's complicated.

Karl: It is, yeah.

Ricky: Do it again. Say it again. But get a pencil....they've all got a pencil now...

Karl: Freewebs dot com...

Ricky: One word.

Karl: ..slash the dash K dash man forward slash.

Steve: Now, when you say 'dash', is it a dash or is it an underscore?

Ricky: Is it an underscore, is it in the middle of the word, or... does it hover in the middle of the word, or is it at the bottom?

Karl: It's just a line, and that.

Ricky: Yeah, I know, but is it an underscore or is it a dash?

Karl: Try both.

Hoots of laughter from Ricky and Steve

Ricky: He copied it down!

Karl: (???) have a go.

Ricky's laugh intensifies

Ricky: That's the sort of level we're talking about.

Steve: Well, already you've got some insight into the mind of Karl Pilkington.

Ricky's laugh subsides

Ricky: Yeah, absolutely, yeah...

Steve: But I thought what we should do is we could (???)hi-jack..

Ricky's laugh starts up again

Ricky: (???)Imagine that. Imagine Bill Gates -

Steve: Yeah. Or a teacher -

Ricky: A teach-

Steve: - in an exam: 'Pop down both'.

Ricky's laugh becoming a chicken's squawk

Ricky: Multiple choice!

Steve: Yeah,

Ricky: Yeah, okay....

Steve: But, anyway, yeah, if you're a reader of the Weekend Guardian, you'll know there's this thing called the Q&A, which they give to celebrities and thinkers, and the like. And basically it's a series of questions they pose to people each week, and it's the same questions. And it gives a little insight into people's minds, the way they think.

Ricky: What particular, what thinker-philosopher is in this week's?

Steve laughs

Steve: It's the lead singer of Feeder.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: So, um....you're in good company, Karl.

Ricky: No, I like Feeder.

Steve: No, fine.

Ricky: I love Feeder.

Steve: So, Karl, I'm just gonna fire a couple of these questions at you. We'll really drop them in throughout the course of this show, just to try and get a sense of who you are. Um... so here's the first up, first question, alright? Got your thinking head on?

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: You wurzel.

Steve: What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Karl: Ehhh....what, for me, or...?

Steve: Or every-

Ricky: No, Ronnie Corbett.

Karl: No, no, but what... Do you mean, like, what would make me happy, or for everyone to be happy.

Ricky: No, what would make you happy. Maybe that is, maybe that's the answer - your idea of perfect happiness is everyone being happy. I don't know. What's your, what would make you totally....

Steve: Unlikely, Rick. I imagine it's a twenty-four-hour monkey channel on, like, Sky...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah...Okay, go on. A never-ending popsicle.

Steve: What's your idea of perfect happiness?

Ricky: Go on, go on....

Karl: Ehhh....I don't think I've had it yet, where I'm like really, really happy with anything.

Ricky: Karl, I've never seen you really happy, no.

Karl: No, but....um...

Steve: When have you been at your happiest?

Karl: Probably... I like, sort of, fish fingers, potato cakes and beans, for a... for tea.

Ricky: Yeah. You're not...yeah.

Steve: Right, well, let's move on. We'll come back to that one.

Ricky: I don't think you're aiming high enough for, uh...

Karl: Well, what would your answer be for that? When are you happy? What would make you happy?

Ricky: I wouldn't have the, I'd have fish fingers, but I probably wouldn't have the potato cakes.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: I'd have fish fingers and beans.

Steve: See, I'm not a huge fan of the beans.

Ricky: Really? So your idea of perfect happiness is probably just fish fingers, is it?

Steve: Just the fish fingers.

Ricky: Okay, good.

Steve: Alright, second question: what is your greatest fear, Karl.

Karl: Mmm...going to the doctor's.

Ricky: So, so...presumably, uh, ill health and mortality.

Karl: Ehhhh....

Steve: No, just the doctor's.

Karl: No, I don't-

Ricky: Any particular doctor?

Karl: I don't want to live forever, either.

Ricky: No, no...

Karl: I just want a good innings. I just want to get to about eighty....eighty-three, eighty-four?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: So specific....so specific! Yeah, okay...

Steve: Which living person do you most admire?

Long pause

Karl: Ehhhh.....

Another long pause

Steve: Which person throughout any time in history do you most admire?

Karl: Winston Churchill's pretty good.

Steve: You like him?

Ricky: Yeah. Very good.

Karl: Yeah, he's alright.

Steve: Why?

Ricky: Good answer.

Karl: 'Cos, if it wasn't for him, we'd be talking German. And I'm not that good at that. So...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (???) he's not that good at that. I love the fact that even if the Nazis won, right, in 1945, and we'd be now speaking German, he still wouldn't be that good at it. Although he's not good at English. So, yeah, I suppose he's, I suppose that's true, isn't it? Yeah...

Steve: Alright, well, here's one, here's the final one for now. Do you believe in capital punishment?

Karl: Ehhhh....

Ricky: That's not hitting Dr Fox over the head with a stick.

Steve laughs

Karl: Depends....depends what for, doesn't it?

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Oh, if it's something bad. And uh...

Ricky: Well, I assume it would be. They don't, they don't kill people now for parking illegally.

Karl: But what sort of, what sort of thing are you talking about? What sort of punishment?

Steve: Capital punishment.

Karl: Yeah, I know, but what is that, what are you talking about?

Ricky: Well, guillotine, hanging...

Karl: Uhhhh...hanging's a bit bad.

Ricky: Yeah. Can be fatal, can't it? What do you mean hanging's a bit bad?

Karl: It's just....

Ricky: It's all bad. Why kill, why should the state kill someone.

Karl: Because prisons are getting a bit busy, aren't they?

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: I just, what's, what's the point in keeping them a- you know, people, people around...

Ricky: Well, what's the point in killing them?

Karl: Just 'cos it's like, 'Right, that's that done. Who's next?' (???)

Ricky and Steve laughing

Karl: What can you do with someone if they're mental?

Ricky and Steve laugh louder

Steve: Employ them on a radio show!!!

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Play a record, Karl.

Ricky: Right, next question

Steve: Play a record. We'll come back to the questions.

Karl: I've, uhh, what do you want, what have you got in here?

Steve: Rick, I know you're a massive fan of The Thorns.

Ricky: Yeah, I love them.

Steve: Maybe you're less familiar with the different elements of The Thorns' solo work.

Ricky: No, I...

Steve: This is a track from Matthew Sweet.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Song: Matthew Sweet - In My Time

Nowt There

To be completed.

They Don't Age well

To be completed.

Gog-lanker

To be completed.

That's Awful Karl

To be completed.

Where's A Tsunami When You Need One

To be completed.

That Sounded Great!

To be completed.

It's Like Jackass

To be completed.

They're Just Walkies

To be completed.