04 January 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 04 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Can't Believe Our Luck

Ricky: Alright. Here we are then.

Steve: Haha.

R: Haha. Scorpio Rising, Death in Vegas. On XFM, 104.9. Bout five past one, Saturday. Here we are again then. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

S laughs.

R: I can't believe our luck. Aww..

R laughs.

R Alright, Karl?

Karl: Alright.

R Yep. So what we doing today then, _producer_?

S Ha! Ah, sorry I always laugh instinctively when I hear Karl's name and that word.

R Yeah.

K Right well, why's that? Because, it is... I had to come up with some new features again for this new year.

S Okay, I'm excited.

K What have you come up with?

S Haha. We are the backbone of this show, Karl.

R Yeah, we're gunna... we'll tell you.. we've come up with some pretty.. what's yours first?

K Right.

R Go on.

K Right well, Rockbusters.

R That's old. That's not a new feature.

K Yeah but we'll keep it.

R Right.

S So you're just keeping an old feature.

R Okay. No it's an old favourite, I'm sure there's alot of people out there going, 'phew I was worried that he'd lose Rockbusters'.

S Rick, I've just come up with a new idea, how about we just play some records that we like. There's a new idea for 2003.

R Yeah.

S laughs.

R Oh, d'you know what, we can't, Steve. Cause the library's out of order.

S Oh yeah the record library we can't get in there, we're not allowed to get in there.

R We have to scrounge some from Capitol Gold.

K So anyway, right.

R Go on.

K So we've got Rockbusters.

R What are they doing with the library, are they getting some records in that we wanna play. Is that their new idea? I know, let's get some records in.

S Yeah they're thinning out the, uh, the Gina G.

R Yeah, yeah. Four Non-Blondes, goodbye. Give that to Foxie. Go on, sorry Karl.

K So we'll do, uh.. we started Do We Need 'Em in 2002.

S Do We Need 'Em. Of course.

R Do We Need 'Em.

K We'll continue that.

R Got a new one, haven't ya.

K I'll explain that later.

S/R Yep.

K Uh, and then the new stuff comes in.

R Oooh.

K Right uh, as always I like to sorta get words and tweak 'em and stuff.

S Sure.

R Yeah.

K So I was thinking of doing something with uh.. there's a lot of weird rituals, isn't there.

S A lot of weird rituals?

K Yeah there's weird stuff going on around the world.

S Okay.

R There is, yeah.

K Uh and I was gunna tweak that to Rick-tuals.

S Okay, alright.

R Again, started with the title, the pun first then working out what it is.

K Well we'll find some weird stuff.

S Oh right, so it's specifically..

K Just stuff that goes on like, uh..

S Rick-tuals.

K There was uh..

R Most of the weird stuff I've heard about happened to you in Manchester, in your early years.

S Yeah.

K Well in India apparently it's good to have uh, a flat head.

S/R laugh.

K So the uh..

R Again, just flirting, just bordering on the racist but never really gets there, always, go on.

S Cause there's no intent.

R There's no hate, there's no hate it's just clumsiness.

S It's just yeah, it's just ignorance.

R It's stupidity, yeah.

S What d'you mean 'it's good to have a flat head'.

R What'd'you mean 'it's good to have a flat head in India'?

K We'll talk about it later.

S Brilliant.

K That's Rick-tuals. So..

R You've hooked a few people, you've hooked a few in. Go on.

K Right so we'll have that later.

S So, is this essentially like Educating Ricky only it's specifically about rituals? Is that, strictly speaking, what it is? Okay.

K I suppose so but then you could say radio is all the same 'cause it's people talking.

S Haha, okay Karl, brilliant comeback.

R Yep, brilliant comeback. Not all talking nonsense, though.

K Well..

R So that's where we're different. Go on.

K Uh also right, I like teaching you stuff..

R Yeah, and you've done well..

K So what I'm thinking is rather than just touching on a topic, and sorta giving you a few bits of information on one topic..

R See this is what I've had to do because the last thing you taught me, I remember was there was a blind girl, she hit her head and she could see, and that's all I got.

K Yeah.

R So if you could go into that a little bit more, that would've been educating me.

K Well today we're featuring stuff on World War I and II.

S Blimey.

K Right so that's uh, that little title for all this little thing is, uh, 'War Do You Think of That Then?'

R laughs.

S 'War Do You Think of That Then?'

K So that's uh..

R Play a record.

S Rick, can I, I just thought of a joke.

R Go on.

R What's the similarity between Lord of the Rings and this show? They're both rubbish.

R chuckles.

Song starts.

All Is Quiet On New Year's Day

R Watch That Man, David Bowie off A Love Insane, my favourite David Bowie album, what's yours Karl?

K Yeah that one, that one's good.

R & S laugh.

R Brilliant. So um, we've got Rockbusters coming up. D'you wanna say what we've got to give away then, Steve?

S Not really, Rick.

R Is it really bad?

S Well..

R What's the film? What's the featured film?

S The featured film's not bad, I have to say actually, you've excelled yourself there, again it's just one of those things where I think, 'what kind of XFM listener would want this particular goody bag?'. I know before Christmas, Karl, you explained that the reason we were giving away..

R Look at Karl, he's disgusted, he, he just said I do alot of work to get this prizes and I went, 'no you didn't, I saw you, you went over to a drawer and went, 'I'll give that one, that one, and that one'. That's what work you put in; you knicked some.. There's about twelve Geri Halliwell videos, one of which we're giving away. It's sorta like..

S Oh Rick, you've given it away.

R Oh no.

S Yeah, if you'd like Geri Halliwell's uh, Body Yoga DVD, that's one of the treats you can win. Um, but it doesn't like.. if you've noticed before Christmas he's said that he was giving away kind of a bumper pack of gifts that you might want to wrap up and give you various people..

R Oh, one for uncle, yeah.

S One for uncle, one for aunty, but obviously Christmas has passed so I don't know really what you're excuse is this time.

K Well you eat alot over Christmas, don't you? Get a bit fat?

S Fair point.

R Yeah.

S So um, yeah Geri Body Yoga is one of them. The recent, on DVD the recent season of Readers Own Pet.

R (very underwhelmed) Huh.

S laughs.

S Yeah, I think that reaction, could you give me that reaction again, please.

R Well no I just..

S Just give me that reaction again.

R Mmm. Huh.

S Yep. Brilliant. And actually I have to say this isn't bad at all, this is the Very Best of the Stone Roses CD compilcation.

R Well you can't knock that.

S I tell you want to should play Elephant Stone at some point..

R Yeah go on, I'll have that, go on.

S Madness, I think this is actually tunes from them and not from the musical, although it is tied in to the musical..

R He went to see that musical.

S Really?

K Yeah on New Years, uh yeah it's like on New Year's Day there's nothing to do.

S Sure.

R So you go and see some people doing Madness songs.

K No I took Suzanne out for a walk, right.

S Yeah.

K Went round uh, Covent Garden.

S Right.

K Past the place where it was on.

S The stage door was open, you snuck in.

K Madness are alright. And, because you think about it, Madness songs are quite sorta musical anyway, aren't they, so you can't..

S They're quite musical?

K D'you know what I mean, they're sort of..

R He means they're _like_ a musical.

S Oh I see, right.

R They're like a musical. Knees Up Mother Brown. Yeah.

K I thought it was alright, I enjoyed it.

S So what then..

R Blur the Musical would be good, wouldn't it?

S Blur the Musical would be excellent.

R Yeah, little cockney sparrow.

S So what you bought tickets there and then and just went in?

K Yeah.

S They're not selling, are they?

R laughs.

K Uh, it was fairly quiet cause we only paid the lower price and got upgraded for free.

S Nice.

K So..

S You enjoyed it though, did you?

K Yeah I loved it.

R 'And would anyone like to come on stage with us?'

S laughs. Yeah.

R 'The little bald fella'. (in Manc accent) 'Yeah go on, I'll give a go'.

S 'And uh, what home are you from?'

R 'Where are, what are you doing tomorrow?' 'Well I'm going (inaudible)' 'No, you're coming here tomorrow. Come here tomorrow.'

S Was it not, is it not doing well? That's a disappointment.

K I don't know, I mean it was New Year's Day so maybe that's why it was quiet.

S Okay well if uh, if anyone hasn't seen this or didn't receive a Christmas..

R As Bono said, 'all is quiet on New Year's Day', Karl.

K Yeah.

S Um, also we've got to give away, Minority Report, by uh..

R I like that. I enjoyed that.

S Steve Speilburg, with Tom Cruise, which is on VHS.

R Good rip-roaring sort of film that.

S It's not bad, that's probably the best thing we're giving away but uh, as I say we can always leave some out if you don't want..

R 'I'm arresting you for the future murder of Sarah Marks'.

K Yeah.

S Brilliant. That's the sort of excitement and drama you'll be getting in it. A little taster there.

K It's not brand new, I got that off Paul Anderson. He said here's something to watch over Christmas, so I watched it..

S So you actually watched this already?

K Yeah.

S Alright.

R Oh.

K Have I rewound it?

R That's probably added to it though.

S No you haven't.

R It's been touched by the great man himself, Karl Pilkington.

S Yeah.

K And it's alright I'd say, it's worth a watch.

S Yeah. D'you want to give us a quick film review?

R Just give it a quick wipe-down, they might be some tripe on it.

S Haha, yeah.

K Umm.. bit unrealistic.

S Sure.

R 'Bit unrealistic'?! Genius.

S A man can, who finds people who can see into the future.

R Where as, Our House, that really happened.

S Yeah.

R God. Play a record.

S Anyway, prizes we're giving away. Wnat's the competition, it's Rockbusters isn't it.

K We're doing Rockbusters.

S We're still doing Rockbusters, ahh I'm looking forward to that.

K We'll do that in like, fifteen minutes.

R I need a bit of Coldplay first, I do, I..

S Really?

R Yeah.

S Ahh, beautiful.

Song starts.