04 January 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 04 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Can't Believe Our Luck

Ricky: Alright. Here we are then.

Steve: Haha.

R: Haha. Scorpio Rising, Death in Vegas. On XFM, 104.9. Bout five past one, Saturday. Here we are again then. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

S laughs.

R: I can't believe our luck. Aww..

R laughs.

R Alright, Karl?

Karl: Alright.

R Yep. So what we doing today then, _producer_?

S Ha! Ah, sorry I always laugh instinctively when I hear Karl's name and that word.

R Yeah.

K Right well, why's that? Because, it is... I had to come up with some new features again for this new year.

S Okay, I'm excited.

K What have you come up with?

S Haha. We are the backbone of this show, Karl.

R Yeah, we're gunna... we'll tell you.. we've come up with some pretty.. what's yours first?

K Right.

R Go on.

K Right well, Rockbusters.

R That's old. That's not a new feature.

K Yeah but we'll keep it.

R Right.

S So you're just keeping an old feature.

R Okay. No it's an old favourite, I'm sure there's alot of people out there going, 'phew I was worried that he'd lose Rockbusters'.

S Rick, I've just come up with a new idea, how about we just play some records that we like. There's a new idea for 2003.

R Yeah.

S laughs.

R Oh, d'you know what, we can't, Steve. Cause the library's out of order.

S Oh yeah the record library we can't get in there, we're not allowed to get in there.

R We have to scrounge some from Capitol Gold.

K So anyway, right.

R Go on.

K So we've got Rockbusters.

R What are they doing with the library, are they getting some records in that we wanna play. Is that their new idea? I know, let's get some records in.

S Yeah they're thinning out the, uh, the Gina G.

R Yeah, yeah. Four Non-Blondes, goodbye. Give that to Foxie. Go on, sorry Karl.

K So we'll do, uh.. we started Do We Need 'Em in 2002.

S Do We Need 'Em. Of course.

R Do We Need 'Em.

K We'll continue that.

R Got a new one, haven't ya.

K I'll explain that later.

S/R Yep.

K Uh, and then the new stuff comes in.

R Oooh.

K Right uh, as always I like to sorta get words and tweak 'em and stuff.

S Sure.

R Yeah.

K So I was thinking of doing something with uh.. there's a lot of weird rituals, isn't there.

S A lot of weird rituals?

K Yeah there's weird stuff going on around the world.

S Okay.

R There is, yeah.

K Uh and I was gunna tweak that to Rick-tuals.

S Okay, alright.

R Again, started with the title, the pun first then working out what it is.

K Well we'll find some weird stuff.

S Oh right, so it's specifically..

K Just stuff that goes on like, uh..

S Rick-tuals.

K There was uh..

R Most of the weird stuff I've heard about happened to you in Manchester, in your early years.

S Yeah.

K Well in India apparently it's good to have uh, a flat head.

S/R laugh.

K So the uh..

R Again, just flirting, just bordering on the racist but never really gets there, always, go on.

S Cause there's no intent.

R There's no hate, there's no hate it's just clumsiness.

S It's just yeah, it's just ignorance.

R It's stupidity, yeah.

S What d'you mean 'it's good to have a flat head'.

R What'd'you mean 'it's good to have a flat head in India'?

K We'll talk about it later.

S Brilliant.

K That's Rick-tuals. So..

R You've hooked a few people, you've hooked a few in. Go on.

K Right so we'll have that later.

S So, is this essentially like Educating Ricky only it's specifically about rituals? Is that, strictly speaking, what it is? Okay.

K I suppose so but then you could say radio is all the same 'cause it's people talking.

S Haha, okay Karl, brilliant comeback.

R Yep, brilliant comeback. Not all talking nonsense, though.

K Well..

R So that's where we're different. Go on.

K Uh also right, I like teaching you stuff..

R Yeah, and you've done well..

K So what I'm thinking is rather than just touching on a topic, and sorta giving you a few bits of information on one topic..

R See this is what I've had to do because the last thing you taught me, I remember was there was a blind girl, she hit her head and she could see, and that's all I got.

K Yeah.

R So if you could go into that a little bit more, that would've been educating me.

K Well today we're featuring stuff on World War I and II.

S Blimey.

K Right so that's uh, that little title for all this little thing is, uh, 'War Do You Think of That Then?'

R laughs.

S 'War Do You Think of That Then?'

K So that's uh..

R Play a record.

S Rick, can I, I just thought of a joke.

R Go on.

R What's the similarity between Lord of the Rings and this show? They're both rubbish.

R chuckles.

Song starts.

All Is Quiet On New Year's Day

R Watch That Man, David Bowie off A Love Insane, my favourite David Bowie album, what's yours Karl?

K Yeah that one, that one's good.

R & S laugh.

R Brilliant. So um, we've got Rockbusters coming up. D'you wanna say what we've got to give away then, Steve?

S Not really, Rick.

R Is it really bad?

S Well..

R What's the film? What's the featured film?

S The featured film's not bad, I have to say actually, you've excelled yourself there, again it's just one of those things where I think, 'what kind of XFM listener would want this particular goody bag?'. I know before Christmas, Karl, you explained that the reason we were giving away..

R Look at Karl, he's disgusted, he, he just said I do alot of work to get this prizes and I went, 'no you didn't, I saw you, you went over to a drawer and went, 'I'll give that one, that one, and that one'. That's what work you put in; you knicked some.. There's about twelve Geri Halliwell videos, one of which we're giving away. It's sorta like..

S Oh Rick, you've given it away.

R Oh no.

S Yeah, if you'd like Geri Halliwell's uh, Body Yoga DVD, that's one of the treats you can win. Um, but it doesn't like.. if you've noticed before Christmas he's said that he was giving away kind of a bumper pack of gifts that you might want to wrap up and give you various people..

R Oh, one for uncle, yeah.

S One for uncle, one for aunty, but obviously Christmas has passed so I don't know really what you're excuse is this time.

K Well you eat alot over Christmas, don't you? Get a bit fat?

S Fair point.

R Yeah.

S So um, yeah Geri Body Yoga is one of them. The recent, on DVD the recent season of Readers Own Pet.

R (very underwhelmed) Huh.

S laughs.

S Yeah, I think that reaction, could you give me that reaction again, please.

R Well no I just..

S Just give me that reaction again.

R Mmm. Huh.

S Yep. Brilliant. And actually I have to say this isn't bad at all, this is the Very Best of the Stone Roses CD compilcation.

R Well you can't knock that.

S I tell you want to should play Elephant Stone at some point..

R Yeah go on, I'll have that, go on.

S Madness, I think this is actually tunes from them and not from the musical, although it is tied in to the musical..

R He went to see that musical.

S Really?

K Yeah on New Years, uh yeah it's like on New Year's Day there's nothing to do.

S Sure.

R So you go and see some people doing Madness songs.

K No I took Suzanne out for a walk, right.

S Yeah.

K Went round uh, Covent Garden.

S Right.

K Past the place where it was on.

S The stage door was open, you snuck in.

K Madness are alright. And, because you think about it, Madness songs are quite sorta musical anyway, aren't they, so you can't..

S They're quite musical?

K D'you know what I mean, they're sort of..

R He means they're _like_ a musical.

S Oh I see, right.

R They're like a musical. Knees Up Mother Brown. Yeah.

K I thought it was alright, I enjoyed it.

S So what then..

R Blur the Musical would be good, wouldn't it?

S Blur the Musical would be excellent.

R Yeah, little cockney sparrow.

S So what you bought tickets there and then and just went in?

K Yeah.

S They're not selling, are they?

R laughs.

K Uh, it was fairly quiet cause we only paid the lower price and got upgraded for free.

S Nice.

K So..

S You enjoyed it though, did you?

K Yeah I loved it.

R 'And would anyone like to come on stage with us?'

S laughs. Yeah.

R 'The little bald fella'. (in Manc accent) 'Yeah go on, I'll give a go'.

S 'And uh, what home are you from?'

R 'Where are, what are you doing tomorrow?' 'Well I'm going (inaudible)' 'No, you're coming here tomorrow. Come here tomorrow.'

S Was it not, is it not doing well? That's a disappointment.

K I don't know, I mean it was New Year's Day so maybe that's why it was quiet.

S Okay well if uh, if anyone hasn't seen this or didn't receive a Christmas..

R As Bono said, 'all is quiet on New Year's Day', Karl.

K Yeah.

S Um, also we've got to give away, Minority Report, by uh..

R I like that. I enjoyed that.

S Steve Speilburg, with Tom Cruise, which is on VHS.

R Good rip-roaring sort of film that.

S It's not bad, that's probably the best thing we're giving away but uh, as I say we can always leave some out if you don't want..

R 'I'm arresting you for the future murder of Sarah Marks'.

K Yeah.

S Brilliant. That's the sort of excitement and drama you'll be getting in it. A little taster there.

K It's not brand new, I got that off Paul Anderson. He said here's something to watch over Christmas, so I watched it..

S So you actually watched this already?

K Yeah.

S Alright.

R Oh.

K Have I rewound it?

R That's probably added to it though.

S No you haven't.

R It's been touched by the great man himself, Karl Pilkington.

S Yeah.

K And it's alright I'd say, it's worth a watch.

S Yeah. D'you want to give us a quick film review?

R Just give it a quick wipe-down, they might be some tripe on it.

S Haha, yeah.

K Umm.. bit unrealistic.

S Sure.

R 'Bit unrealistic'?! Genius.

S A man can, who finds people who can see into the future.

R Where as, Our House, that really happened.

S Yeah.

R God. Play a record.

S Anyway, prizes we're giving away. Wnat's the competition, it's Rockbusters isn't it.

K We're doing Rockbusters.

S We're still doing Rockbusters, ahh I'm looking forward to that.

K We'll do that in like, fifteen minutes.

R I need a bit of Coldplay first, I do, I..

S Really?

R Yeah.

S Ahh, beautiful.

Song starts.

Some Bits and Bobs

R: Coldplay, The Scientist. I think they wrote that about Karl.

S Yes.

R On XFM, 104.9. Right I'm Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

S Can I just ask Karl how he got on over Christmas? Because the last time I spoke to him, you hadn't bought a present for your girlfriend. I have to say I was on tenterhooks all Christmas.

K Well you changed it. After that show I felt bad, even though I shouldn't of done, because..

S Because you hadn't bought your girlfriend a Christmas present.

K Yeah but I said to you, I booked a table at a hotel in Covent Garden, we had Christmas dinner there which was nice, alright. It's good food and everything.

S Doesn't feel like enough to me.

K Well then I went out a treated her to some stuff and then..

R No no no; the couple of days before Christmas, he went, 'uh I took Suzanne to that hotel we're gunna go to for Christmas dinner. We had tea and cakes'. And I went 'oh you treated her', he went 'no, she paid for it but I was just showing her what it was going to be like'.

S laughs.

R That was her extra treat, she paid for it. I love that.

S Brilliant.

K Yeah, well it was a bit, it was like a hundred and fifty quid for a meal for two, which is pretty dear. So I'm not gunna buy her cakes as well.

R laughs. I love that. 'Alright love, have whatever you want, have your own pudding, I'm not mental'.

S laughs. Yeah. So you treated her to some other stuff.

K Yeah some bits and bobs.

S What so she bought, she chose them and you paid for them.

K What? The presents?

S Yeah.

R Or you chose them and she paid for them, you know, it's the thought that counts.

K No I got them on the way home that Saturday.

R Well done.

S So what'd you buy?

K Well just some bits.

R Might be personal, Steve.

S Well I don't care.

K Just little bits.

S Yeah but, leave out the personal bits, what bits?

K Uh just little things and then yesterday..

R A monkey wrench and a new washer for the shower.

S Haha, yeah. Some recordable CDs that you need for your job.

R laughs. Ahh dear.

S So uh, when you gave those presents to her, did her face light up?

K Right, I don't want to tell you what they were, right, but she wasn't that impressed.

R laughs. You're gunna tell us what they were now, Karl.

S You have to tell us what they are.

K You even know what they are, she told you on Christmas day.

R Hold on, wait a minute.

K But it doesn't matter what they are.

S It does matter what they are.

K No it doesn't.

S It does, Karl, it's you mate, of course it matters.

K It doesn't matter.

R (loudly) Oh god!

S Have you just remembered?

R Yeah.

K Right but don't, there's no need..

R I've got to tell him Karl. I.. I really want your permission cause I don't wanna be a, you know I know it's not.. it's not that embarrassing it's really quite sweet..

K Yeah but in a way, right..

S laughs.

K The way I look at it is, Christmas, even when I was a little kid, right, it's not what..

R Please let me tell him, Karl.

K Well let me just tell you first, let me tell you why I didn't go all out on the whole present front.

R chuckles.

S Right. Justify yourself.

R Oh god.

K First of all.. I've covered it up since then anyway, with that present because I bought her some shoes yesterday. And she did say 'I'll give you the money for them' but I got home I said 'it's alright'. I said 'you can have them'.

R & S laugh.

K So, not only did I buy her some food on Christmas Day, I got her shoes, she's probably had a total of..

R He's treated her like a horse.

S Yeah.

R It's sort of like, yeah there you go, there's your shoes, there's your food, right. Bed down, see you later.

K Yeah but, what I'm saying is, she's done..

S I have fed and clothed her.

R Yeah, did you comb her hair?

K She's done well this year, right.

S (amused) 'She's done well this year'. It's like your a single parent living on a council estate with a smack problem.

R cracks up.

S And you still manage to buy her some Lego.

R Okay can I..

K When I was a kid, it wasn't about what you got. I remember one year when I was about eight..

R laughs. Oh this is gunna make me cry isn't it, this. Go on.

K No it's not, I'm just saying the way it is, right. I woke up at about four in the morning and I was like 'oh what have a got', and I couldn't sleep I was that on edge. It's the excitement of Christmas, isn't it, it's like 'oh what's wrapped up, I need to know'.

S Sure.

R Yeah.

K So it's the fact that people say 'no, you won't know until tomorrow'. That annoys you winds you up. So I got up at four in the morning, open me presents, and then went 'right I know now', went back to bed, had a great sleep. So it's nothing to do with the excitement of what you get, it's the excitement of not knowing what you've got.

R And then what happened when you got up to go down with the presents?

S But hang on, so what you're saying to me is that, you could wrap up a brick because the thrill of Christmas is in hoping, and being excited about what it is, not the actual gift itself.

K Yeah.

S Is that what you did? Rick, did she get a brick?

R No, let me tell him now, what he got. He got her her present right and she came around and she said 'yeah he got me'... it was, an industrial-sized packet of condoms.

S It was a joke gift.

K No it wasn't a joke..

R No it wasn't a joke gift.

S It wasn't even a joke?

K I went home that Saturday after here, past Boots, thought 'they'll have something in here'. They were on, like, some value.

S Right you passed the make-up..

R What about used?

S You passed the make-up, you passed all the other..

R Passed the make-up, passed the lovely vanity cases, yeah the foot spas, yeah hold on, hold on, how much are these, love, for a hundred? 'Four ninety-nine'.

S Haha yeah. 'Do I get it reduced if I buy it in bulk?'

R So how many did you buy, what was it?

K I dunno, probably about a hundred.

R Right okay..

S Is she allowed to use those with anyone?

R laughs. Did you wrap them?

K Yeah, yeah.

S Can she just go out and have a wild time with that?

R Well you don't need to wrap them, they're already wrapped, aren't they. And then what did she say when she opened them?

S I'm just..

R Wait wait, I'm.. Karl, what did she say?

S Play a record and we'll come back to this.

R & S laugh.

S You're worse than my father, that's genius.

Song starts.

The Best He Can Do With the Brain He's Got

S Made famous of course by Jimi Hendrix, that's All Along the Watchtower there, that was originally done by Mister Bob Dylan.

R On XFM, 104.9.

S So Karl, just, take us through the moment where you gave this gift..

R So you went into Boots, right you thought, 'right, hundred condoms', brilliant. Did you wrap them?

K I dunno if it was a hundred, it was probably like.. eighty.

R Right okay. Yeah, you don't wanna go mad, do you?

S laughs.

K Wrapped them up..

S You know I'm just resting easy knowing that he's not trying to breed.

R laughs.

K Right. So uh, I got her them, I got her Grease on DVD, cause she's always watching that.

R Yeah. So just think of when her mum said, 'so what did Karl get you'. 'Some condoms and Grease'.

S I was just gunna say, I'm glad he said 'on DVD'.

R laughs.

K And uh, she was surprised anyway right because..

R Yeah I bet she was. She was thinking like jewellery..

K No.

R That showed her.

R and S laugh.

R (inaudible)

S So hang on a minute..

R You thought it was a holiday, didn't you? Yeah haha, look at your face.

S 'You don't know me at all'.

R laughs.

S So, hang on, did you give her these on Christmas Day?

K Right, what happened is, she got in from work that Saturday, and I said 'look under the tree'..

R Knackered, but at least it's Christmas, yeah go on..

K I said 'I put some stuff under the tree', right..

R cracks up.

K So that was fine..

R Did you give her a sugar lump?

K Right, she was really chuffed with that, but she said.. she was a bit puzzled, I didn't know we had any wrapping paper so I ended up using wallpaper.

R You didn't take it off the wall, though, you got some..

K No it was some left over, right so she said 'why have you used wallpaper', and I said well 'you didn't have any paper and you were getting in in a bit so I wanted you to have a surprise. So she said 'can I have a feel of them'..

R and S laugh.

K I said no..

S The presents?

R She thought right, I've got the right thing.

K And uh, Christmas Day, I said 'no don't get carried away it's nothing really good, you know we said we weren't going to buy each other much. So there you go, open them'. And uh..

S Can I just ask, had you received your present from her yet?

K Yeah.

S So what had you received?

K Um, what did I have; had some shoes..

S Nice.

K Getaway game for PlayStation, which is alright.

R I'm just tot'ing up the value of this, alright go on.

S And also thinking how much fun and pleasure you get from this. Although of course condoms I can see, see the appeal.

R Okay so I think..

K But also add up to that a hundred and fifty quid for a meal. If you're gunna start tot'ing up, hundred and fifty quid for a meal, I bought her some shoes, seventy-two quid.

S Yeah that was after the event, though.

R laughs.

K Doesn't matter.

S Alright so you'd received these, dare I say it, thoughtful and nice gifts. You handed over the box of condoms, they were wrapped up, she unwrapped them, go on take us through it.

K Yeah well, it's not something you play with on Christmas morning.

R laughs. Oh God.

S But when she opened them, what did she..

R What did she say? What did she say?

K Well I wrapped them twice, as well, so she thought it was something really good.

R Extra protection.

K And uh..

R 'So she thought it was something really good'.

S So the disappointment would be doubled.

R laughs. Yeah go on.

K And she just opened it and went 'yeah.. what on the telly?'. And that was that.

R Oh, ungrateful, what an ungrateful woman that is.

K I told her..

R Fancy not wanting a box of economy condoms from Boots.

K I said to her the thing about the thing, you know it's all about the surprise and that isn't it.

S You explained that to her. What, after she'd unwrapped it?

K Yeah.

S Thoughtful.

K And she was alright about it.

R Yeah. She understood.

S Rick, you know I suggested to him that he buy his girlfriend a gift, I'm worried I've done more damage to the relationship by suggesting that than if he had just forgotten.

R Next time you've got to go shopping for her yourself, Steve.

S I think I might do.

R You'd better go shopping for her yourself.

K Yeah I'm glad it's all over though really, it's mental. It annoys me, the whole thing annoys me, and she knows that as well.

R She should know, what and she still insists on having Christmas once a year? Well, I'm, you know..

K No but, Well anyway, what did you get?

S I can't think what you bring to the relationship, Karl. I don't know what she's getting from you in this relationship. It's like she doing all the work..

R laughs.

R Well we know.

R and S laugh.

R Eighty times. Oh God, Karl. I love it, you're brilliant. I know what she's getting, he's the, he's the..

S What, though, he's not thoughtful.

R No but he is thoughtful, it's the best he can do with the brain that he's got, d'you know what I mean?

S Right.

R He's doing his best. He's absolutely doing his best. There's no..

S He's working at the limits of his powers.

R D'you know what I mean, though, he's done as well as he can with what he was given. And that's admirable. It's like, I think he's done better than you'd expect. I bet his teachers didn't even think he'd get this far, d'you know what I mean?

S What, find a girl?

R Yeah well a job, a girl, d'you know what I mean, clothe himself, he's done really well. What d'you think, Karl? You think you've done well?

K I think I've done alright compared to some of me mates.

R What are they doing now?

K Probably not that much. D'you know what I mean, Mrs Matthews said I wouldn't be a high-flyer, I think I'm doing alright. D'you know what I mean, I have a holiday every year. Got somewhere to live, and that.

R Yeah. Got a new flat, haven't you.

K Yeah so..

S So where are they then, the condoms, are they, did she show them to her family and friends? Take them into work, 'look what Karl got me'?

K No, I'm surprised she told Ricky actually, I was a bit disappointed in that. Cause I didn't go shouting around..

S Well was excited about it, Karl, clearly. She's just so pleased and proud.

R laughs. Alright, play a record, we'll come back to it.

K No that's it now.

Song starts.

They Deserve the Junk

R Cat Stevens, from Catch Bull at Four album, Sitting. Little interesting fact for the nerds; we got it down to two songs for the intro music for The Office, it was that one and Handbags and Gladrags, and we went for Handbags and Gladrags. Interesting isn't it.

S It is a fascinating fact, except of course we, I still feel we should have used that one but we couldn't because Cat Stevens' people wouldn't let us. Or it was too expensive or something.

R I dunno, we recorded the Rod Stewart one though so, I don't think it was too expensive.

S I still prefer that one.

R Yeah. Difficult. Difficult.

S Decisions.

R Anyway, that's Rickydiculous, right. Five facts, one is totally made up.

K Just do three.

R Oh okay alright, um. Oh let's see what shall I do then..

S This was carefully planned.

R ..There are more moves possible in a game of chess than there are particles in the universe. You can't get any colder than liquid nitrogen, I think it's minus two seven three, you can't, it's impossible to get colder than that. The honey badger has got skin so loose that if you grabbed it by the neck, it could come away from its skin, turn round and bit you out of it's anus.

K That's Rickydiculous.

R cracks up.

K Right, Rockbusters then, wrapping it up.

S It needs some work that game but I see its got alot of mileage.

K Right here we go then, the first one, forty two pounds for a torch that's a bit pricey, isn't it?

R Go on.

K That was D. That was Dear-light.

R Wait, I thought Delight and I thought well it doesn't work. I actually thought Delight, doesn't work.

K The second one..

R No wait wait, Dear-light, it doesn't work. It's Delight.

K Second one is..

R No no no, Karl; it doesn't work.

K Yeah but, if we're gunna continue with this feature you've got to tweak them a bit. Right? People have got it, we've had loads of e-mails, more than ever. So.. d'you know what I mean? Let them decide. If they don't like it they won't e-mail in but their loving it.

S They all come from the same institution.

R chuckles. Right, go on.

K They'll fit some chocolate to your feet, that was A; that was Aerosmith.

S Aerosmith. I've heard of a blacksmith.

R But a 'smith' is just a workman, doesn't necessarily.. no no, you could have anything, you could have a locksmith. A 'smith' doesn't just mean it does shoes.

K Right, do you..

R Aerocobbler would have worked. Unfortunately there isn't a band called Aerocobbler.

K Get ready with a winner. Do you think your kid will get that strawberry for me, that's Wilson Pickett.

R and S laugh.

S Will-son Pick-it.

R I'll give you that.

K Have you got a winner.

S I have to say, I don't know if these guys have won in the past, but they were the first people to e-mail in. I mean normally I just give it to anyone but these guys (clicks fingers) literally when you'd given the clues, Karl..

R How did they get Aerosmith?

S I'm amazed. Everyone seemed to get Aerosmith.

R How?

S Everyone got Delight, everyone got Wilson Pickett, I'm absolutely stunned. You know they deserve it, they deserve the junk.. prizes.

[snip: winner details]

K Back next week then, yeah?

R See you then.

K Cya.

S Cheers.