07 December 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

They Won't Even Press Record

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Science of Silence

Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Science of Silence" on XFM 104.9. I love that.

Steve: Yes. Concur.

Ricky: He's one of my favorite artists now, I just think... I- he's so- I don't know why he's not ballistic.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: He's got everything. He's got- one of our best rock stars.

Steve: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: (Laughing) Hello there!

Ricky: You're Steve Merchant.

Steve: I am indeed.

Ricky: Ehhh, Karl Pilkington, over there. (Loudly) Big day today!

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeh, for Karl. He hasn't been looking forward to it, he's been whingin' in the week. A couple of things: he thinks he's overworked, he thinks he- he thinks he's overworked here and he's stressed and he's got to do DIY. MTV are coming im- in, right to give him the chance of a- a lifetime to do a- just a little screen test and he's going, "Well, I'm not gonna look good, am I? They're not gonna-", I go, "Why?", he said, "Well, I've got a round head and I'll be wearin' headphones".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And uhh, he's- he's not made an effort, he thinks, "Ooh, I'll put 'em off" he said, "They won't even press 'Record'". He's got a spot on his head.

Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh.

Ricky: I mean...You know wh- also--

Steve: Karl, you're not looking forward to it? You're not excited about it? It's a great oppurtunity.

Karl: Why's it a great oppurtunity?

Ricky: To get on MTV?!

Karl: No but--

Ricky: It's money for old rope.

Steve: Presenting.

Karl: No but look what's happened to people like, umm, Jeremy Speak or whatever his name is and all that.

Ricky: Jeremy Spake, yeah.

Karl: Yeah and ummm--

Ricky: Yeah. Slightly different. Slightly different.

Karl: Why is it?

Ricky: Well...

Karl: See?

Ricky: Y- you're- you're makin' it in the industry and you've got- you've got something to give, he- he happened to be around while they were filming an airport.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Yeah, well--

Ricky: Do you see the difference?

Karl: All right, the other one then, who's on a boat.

Pause

Ricky: Same thing--

Steve: She's doing very well!

Ricky: Although at least she had a skill. She had a skill, you know, she can sing. You know...

Karl: Well she- she's c- I d- I d- I think it can all go wrong... d'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well of course it can. So can sitting in your little room moanin' about nothing happening in the world. You know he- he wanted to stop "Educating Ricky" cuz nothing had happened. He said- he said, "Look what happened last week - I scoured the net...", he said, "all I found was a dog in a car wash and a parrot and a vicar."

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: I'll tell you what: there aint much more going on this week.

Ricky: Well you're talkin' sh- listen, me and Steve... yesterday, we took a day off to prove you wrong and we've come up with two of the most incredible things.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: I told you about- they're amazing. So there are things out there or s- just- j- but go for truth- go for truth and science and discovery--

Karl: Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do, yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Fact is- is stranger than fiction. You don't have to resert- revert to, sort of like, God and ghosts.

Karl: I know, yeah. I know, yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Karl: But the funny thing is... do you know, like, the last couple of weeks I been sayin' there's not much going on?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I found out, when I was looking that there was a day in 1930... right, it was a Good Friday, there was no news, there was nothing going on...

Ricky Begins To Laugh

Karl: They had to put a music video on or something.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Quietly

Karl: On the telly. Because there was nothing going on.

Ricky: Play a record. We're gonna play some classic tracks today. This is d- "Debaser".

Song: Pixies - Debaser

A Good Way of Promoting This Show

Ricky: Pixies, "Debaser". I was looking forward to playing that, came in, said, "Karl, play that-", lookin-... he put it on... uhh... Lauren just called through and said we played that in the last half hour.

Steve: Mm. Embarrassing.

Ricky: Uh, yeah.

Steve: It's really embarrassing.

Ricky: So, what is the point of having a producer if he doesn't check things out. So, I mean, it's a good track, I mean, I'm sorry if you heard that twice in the last hour.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Go on, go on. You were going to say sommat?

Karl: So you expect me to listen to everything all the time? I've been running around- I get in early on a Saturday--

Ricky: Well you got in around the same time as me.

Karl: I g- I went out and bought you some biscuits, so you're happy...

Ricky Giggles

Karl: I put the coffee on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I sorted what prizes we're gonna give away, I've been running to the library getting you certain tracks--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: I can't listen all the time. I'm doing me best!

Steve: Ahh, I'm just not sure it's good enough, Karl.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I mean, I'm worried when MTV come in, if they've heard this kind of shoddy production, they're gonna start to wonder why--

Ricky: Is it a--

Karl: Well they play the same songs every five minutes anyway.

Ricky: Yeah sorry you're so overworked because you were on Zoe Ball's show talking.

Steve: Oh hello! What's going on here?!

Ricky: Well I was--

Steve: He was excl- he was exclusively to be on our show--

Ricky: Well I was in the ca- I was in the car--

Steve: I seem to remember, Rick, he was- he was a nobody--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That got a chance to come on air and talk about things and now he's getting auditioned for MTV!

Ricky: And guess what he was- guess what he was talkin' about on Zoe's show.

Steve: Oh hello.

Ricky: All the jellyfish stuff and all that... kind of stuff...

Steve: I can't believe it! Recycling--

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Material that he did on this show!

Ricky: Yep.

Ricky: I phoned in- I phoned in, right, and I went, "Stop doing material on Zoe's B-", right. He just hung up on me.

Steve: That is j--

Karl: Well I had a job to do!

Steve: Who do you think you are?!

Karl: Look--

Steve: Your ego has just gone through the roof!

Karl: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

Steve: What?!

Karl: I had a job to do in the week, they asked me to drive the desk for Zoe, right.

Ricky: They didn't say talk!

Karl: Zoe... if she talks to ya, you can't just ignore her!

Steve: Yes you can!

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: No you can't.

Steve: Who is she?!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Ah, well...

Steve: Who does she think she is? You made a promise to us - a pact - that you are our, kind of...

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: Monkey.

Karl: Yeah, but what do I do? If someone takes time off, I've got to do it. It's me job.

Ricky: It's not your job.

Steve: Yeah but you don't have to talk. You don't have to use--

Ricky: You're the head of production. We've given you this special gig. This is like taking you out weekends...

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: And we- you know, if we find out you're gettin' too much excitement in the week, we'll have to just calm it down...

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Get another little--

Karl: Well that's it anyway, it was only last week.

Ricky Exhales

Steve: Do you know, I feel like, kind of sullied, I feel betrayed. It's like you were having an affair behind our backs--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And you rumbled it.

Ricky: He was doin' all the stuff, he was doin' all this- like, "Ooh, yeah, jellyfish and this and jelly fish that..."

Karl: Yeah because she was askin'! And I thought it was a good way of promotin' this show, actually.

Steve: Oooooh convenient!

Ricky: Did you mention this show?!

Karl: Yeah, I did at some point.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Did ya? What did you say?

Karl: I just said, uhh, "More about that on Saturday afternoons".

Ricky: So you talked twice - I only heard you talk once. So you're talkin' all the time, are you?

Karl: Well, about five times in the week.

Ricky Starts To Laugh

Karl: In the full week - five times.

Steve: Deary me.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And one- it was just stuff that--

Ricky: You could never be a monk, could ya? Chattin' away all the time.

Karl: Well..

Karl Sighs

Ricky: Right, what have you got?

Steve: I blame Ball as well, to be honest.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I feel Ball is slightly responsible for it.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, you know, gibbon to get on the show.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, kind of, you know, loser, then... don't start stealing ours.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: It's outrageous.

Karl: Well, comin' up, right--

Ricky: Yeah, maybe we'll get Fatboy Slim in.

Steve: Indeed!

Ricky: Next... Saturday. If you're listenin', umm, Slim--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Come in on the show.

Steve: What's his name? Ernie or something?

Ricky: (Laughing) What's his name?

Karl: Norman.

Steve: Norman.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: "Ernie"!

Steve: Yeah. I don't know.

Ricky: (Still Laughing) Ah that's great "Ernie Ball".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he--

Steve: He probably wouldn't change his name. Ernie Cook

Ricky: Ernie Cook, that's it yeah. (Laughing) That's great!

Karl: Anyway...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Coming up today, uhh, we have got "Educating Ricky"...

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Rrright. Is this the last one? You've promised it might be.

Karl: Uhhm, I believe there's a book out... that might help me with this feature--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: So we'll see how it goes, we might- I was thinkin' of new features in the week. I've got, uhh--

Ricky Coughs

Karl: What did I come up with? I wanted to do "Celebrity Fact Club".

Steve: (Laughing) "Celebrity Fact Club". All right.

Karl: I've just got to get some celebrities in first.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Before we can kick that off so maybe in the new year.

Ricky: Ball and Cook.

Steve: Maybe Zoe Ball, yeah.

Ricky: Ball and Cook. Start off.

Karl: Maybe. Right, and I've also got, uhh--

Ricky: "Cook and Ball Stories".

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That's nice.

Karl: Good one.

Ricky: (Laughing) Cheers.

Karl: Uhhm...

Ricky: Thanks Karl!

Steve: Yeah. Maybe you could sell that to Zoe's show!

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky Pounds The Desk

Karl: And, umm, I'm also thinkin', "Through The RicKey Hole".

Steve: "Through The RicKey Hole", okay.

Ricky: Yeah. What's that?

Karl: That's uhh... I haven't quite--

Ricky: No, you've just got the title again, haven't ya?! Yeah. Okay, play a record.

Karl: So, uhh, "Rockbusters" coming up as well. All right?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Song: Wu-Tang Clan - The Gravel Pit