07 December 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 07 December 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

They Won't Even Press Record

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Science of Silence

Ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Science of Silence" on XFM 104.9. I love that.

Steve: Yes. Concur.

Ricky: He's one of my favorite artists now, I just think... I- he's so- I don't know why he's not ballistic.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: He's got everything. He's got- one of our best rock stars.

Steve: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais.

Steve: (Laughing) Hello there!

Ricky: You're Steve Merchant.

Steve: I am indeed.

Ricky: Ehhh, Karl Pilkington, over there. (Loudly) Big day today!

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeh, for Karl. He hasn't been looking forward to it, he's been whingin' in the week. A couple of things: he thinks he's overworked, he thinks he- he thinks he's overworked here and he's stressed and he's got to do DIY. MTV are coming im- in, right to give him the chance of a- a lifetime to do a- just a little screen test and he's going, "Well, I'm not gonna look good, am I? They're not gonna-", I go, "Why?", he said, "Well, I've got a round head and I'll be wearin' headphones".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: And uhh, he's- he's not made an effort, he thinks, "Ooh, I'll put 'em off" he said, "They won't even press 'Record'". He's got a spot on his head.

Steve: Uh huh. Uh huh.

Ricky: I mean...You know wh- also--

Steve: Karl, you're not looking forward to it? You're not excited about it? It's a great oppurtunity.

Karl: Why's it a great oppurtunity?

Ricky: To get on MTV?!

Karl: No but--

Ricky: It's money for old rope.

Steve: Presenting.

Karl: No but look what's happened to people like, umm, Jeremy Speak or whatever his name is and all that.

Ricky: Jeremy Spake, yeah.

Karl: Yeah and ummm--

Ricky: Yeah. Slightly different. Slightly different.

Karl: Why is it?

Ricky: Well...

Karl: See?

Ricky: Y- you're- you're makin' it in the industry and you've got- you've got something to give, he- he happened to be around while they were filming an airport.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Yeah, well--

Ricky: Do you see the difference?

Karl: All right, the other one then, who's on a boat.

Pause

Ricky: Same thing--

Steve: She's doing very well!

Ricky: Although at least she had a skill. She had a skill, you know, she can sing. You know...

Karl: Well she- she's c- I d- I d- I think it can all go wrong... d'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well of course it can. So can sitting in your little room moanin' about nothing happening in the world. You know he- he wanted to stop "Educating Ricky" cuz nothing had happened. He said- he said, "Look what happened last week - I scoured the net...", he said, "all I found was a dog in a car wash and a parrot and a vicar."

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: I'll tell you what: there aint much more going on this week.

Ricky: Well you're talkin' sh- listen, me and Steve... yesterday, we took a day off to prove you wrong and we've come up with two of the most incredible things.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: I told you about- they're amazing. So there are things out there or s- just- j- but go for truth- go for truth and science and discovery--

Karl: Yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do, yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Fact is- is stranger than fiction. You don't have to resert- revert to, sort of like, God and ghosts.

Karl: I know, yeah. I know, yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Karl: But the funny thing is... do you know, like, the last couple of weeks I been sayin' there's not much going on?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I found out, when I was looking that there was a day in 1930... right, it was a Good Friday, there was no news, there was nothing going on...

Ricky Begins To Laugh

Karl: They had to put a music video on or something.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Quietly

Karl: On the telly. Because there was nothing going on.

Ricky: Play a record. We're gonna play some classic tracks today. This is d- "Debaser".

Song: Pixies - Debaser

A Good Way of Promoting This Show

Ricky: Pixies, "Debaser". I was looking forward to playing that, came in, said, "Karl, play that-", lookin-... he put it on... uhh... Lauren just called through and said we played that in the last half hour.

Steve: Mm. Embarrassing.

Ricky: Uh, yeah.

Steve: It's really embarrassing.

Ricky: So, what is the point of having a producer if he doesn't check things out. So, I mean, it's a good track, I mean, I'm sorry if you heard that twice in the last hour.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Go on, go on. You were going to say sommat?

Karl: So you expect me to listen to everything all the time? I've been running around- I get in early on a Saturday--

Ricky: Well you got in around the same time as me.

Karl: I g- I went out and bought you some biscuits, so you're happy...

Ricky Giggles

Karl: I put the coffee on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I sorted what prizes we're gonna give away, I've been running to the library getting you certain tracks--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: I can't listen all the time. I'm doing me best!

Steve: Ahh, I'm just not sure it's good enough, Karl.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I mean, I'm worried when MTV come in, if they've heard this kind of shoddy production, they're gonna start to wonder why--

Ricky: Is it a--

Karl: Well they play the same songs every five minutes anyway.

Ricky: Yeah sorry you're so overworked because you were on Zoe Ball's show talking.

Steve: Oh hello! What's going on here?!

Ricky: Well I was--

Steve: He was excl- he was exclusively to be on our show--

Ricky: Well I was in the ca- I was in the car--

Steve: I seem to remember, Rick, he was- he was a nobody--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That got a chance to come on air and talk about things and now he's getting auditioned for MTV!

Ricky: And guess what he was- guess what he was talkin' about on Zoe's show.

Steve: Oh hello.

Ricky: All the jellyfish stuff and all that... kind of stuff...

Steve: I can't believe it! Recycling--

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Material that he did on this show!

Ricky: Yep.

Ricky: I phoned in- I phoned in, right, and I went, "Stop doing material on Zoe's B-", right. He just hung up on me.

Steve: That is j--

Karl: Well I had a job to do!

Steve: Who do you think you are?!

Karl: Look--

Steve: Your ego has just gone through the roof!

Karl: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

Steve: What?!

Karl: I had a job to do in the week, they asked me to drive the desk for Zoe, right.

Ricky: They didn't say talk!

Karl: Zoe... if she talks to ya, you can't just ignore her!

Steve: Yes you can!

Ricky Chuckles

Karl: No you can't.

Steve: Who is she?!

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Ah, well...

Steve: Who does she think she is? You made a promise to us - a pact - that you are our, kind of...

Karl: Yeah...

Ricky: Monkey.

Karl: Yeah, but what do I do? If someone takes time off, I've got to do it. It's me job.

Ricky: It's not your job.

Steve: Yeah but you don't have to talk. You don't have to use--

Ricky: You're the head of production. We've given you this special gig. This is like taking you out weekends...

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: And we- you know, if we find out you're gettin' too much excitement in the week, we'll have to just calm it down...

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Get another little--

Karl: Well that's it anyway, it was only last week.

Ricky Exhales

Steve: Do you know, I feel like, kind of sullied, I feel betrayed. It's like you were having an affair behind our backs--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And you rumbled it.

Ricky: He was doin' all the stuff, he was doin' all this- like, "Ooh, yeah, jellyfish and this and jelly fish that..."

Karl: Yeah because she was askin'! And I thought it was a good way of promotin' this show, actually.

Steve: Oooooh convenient!

Ricky: Did you mention this show?!

Karl: Yeah, I did at some point.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Did ya? What did you say?

Karl: I just said, uhh, "More about that on Saturday afternoons".

Ricky: So you talked twice - I only heard you talk once. So you're talkin' all the time, are you?

Karl: Well, about five times in the week.

Ricky Starts To Laugh

Karl: In the full week - five times.

Steve: Deary me.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And one- it was just stuff that--

Ricky: You could never be a monk, could ya? Chattin' away all the time.

Karl: Well..

Karl Sighs

Ricky: Right, what have you got?

Steve: I blame Ball as well, to be honest.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I feel Ball is slightly responsible for it.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, you know, gibbon to get on the show.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

Steve: She can't find her own, kind of, you know, loser, then... don't start stealing ours.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: It's outrageous.

Karl: Well, comin' up, right--

Ricky: Yeah, maybe we'll get Fatboy Slim in.

Steve: Indeed!

Ricky: Next... Saturday. If you're listenin', umm, Slim--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Come in on the show.

Steve: What's his name? Ernie or something?

Ricky: (Laughing) What's his name?

Karl: Norman.

Steve: Norman.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: Right.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: "Ernie"!

Steve: Yeah. I don't know.

Ricky: (Still Laughing) Ah that's great "Ernie Ball".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he--

Steve: He probably wouldn't change his name. Ernie Cook

Ricky: Ernie Cook, that's it yeah. (Laughing) That's great!

Karl: Anyway...

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Coming up today, uhh, we have got "Educating Ricky"...

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Rrright. Is this the last one? You've promised it might be.

Karl: Uhhm, I believe there's a book out... that might help me with this feature--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: So we'll see how it goes, we might- I was thinkin' of new features in the week. I've got, uhh--

Ricky Coughs

Karl: What did I come up with? I wanted to do "Celebrity Fact Club".

Steve: (Laughing) "Celebrity Fact Club". All right.

Karl: I've just got to get some celebrities in first.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Before we can kick that off so maybe in the new year.

Ricky: Ball and Cook.

Steve: Maybe Zoe Ball, yeah.

Ricky: Ball and Cook. Start off.

Karl: Maybe. Right, and I've also got, uhh--

Ricky: "Cook and Ball Stories".

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: That's nice.

Karl: Good one.

Ricky: (Laughing) Cheers.

Karl: Uhhm...

Ricky: Thanks Karl!

Steve: Yeah. Maybe you could sell that to Zoe's show!

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky Pounds The Desk

Karl: And, umm, I'm also thinkin', "Through The RicKey Hole".

Steve: "Through The RicKey Hole", okay.

Ricky: Yeah. What's that?

Karl: That's uhh... I haven't quite--

Ricky: No, you've just got the title again, haven't ya?! Yeah. Okay, play a record.

Karl: So, uhh, "Rockbusters" coming up as well. All right?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Song: Wu-Tang Clan - The Gravel Pit

Win The Best of the Weather

Ricky: Wu-Tang Clan, "Gravel Pit" on XFM 104.9--

Steve: We're playing some great music today, Rick--

Ricky: Yeah but--

Steve: I wonder if we should maybe... uh, you know, it's getting towards Christmas--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Think about others. Should we dedicate this show to all the people in the world who maybe are less priviledged and less, uhh, fortunate than us.

Ricky: No.

Steve: No? Okay.

Ricky: Um, d- do the prizes for the, uhh--

Steve: Prizes? Okay. (Walking Away From Microphone) So screw those who are less fortunate is what TV's Ricky Gervais thinks.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Uhmm, Rick, I know you're a big fan, uhh, of the likes of Brian Adams, (Laughs) Robert Palmer, uh, Alien Ant Farm and, uh, obviously, ehmm, ZZ Top.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so you'll be enjoying "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World".

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Volume 2.

Ricky: Yeah, sure.

Steve: Fantastic.

Ricky: Volume 1 (Coughs) wasn't enough. There wasn't enough.

Steve: No. Okay--

Ricky Coughs

Steve: Again, we seem to be able to give one of these away every week. Are you just not sending these out? I mean, these are the same prizes we started this game with, I think, a couple of weeks back. Are you just not sending the prizes out?

Karl: Yeah, but I want to give, like, more people a chance cuz if- if one week they listen in and think, "God, I wouldn't mind winnin' that--"

Steve: Sure.

Karl: If you- if you've got more copies of it, they'll go, "Well, I'll listen next week."

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So again this is, uh, one of those, uhm, "The Best Songs You've Heard On An Advert Ever" albums.

Ricky: Mainly- mainly mobile phones?

Steve: Mainly mobile phone adverts, yeah. Although there is the, uh, Smashmouth one which is used in the Ford Fiesta TV advert.

Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "Walking On The Sun" or something?

Steve: I forget what it is.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: Uhm, the Smashing Pumpkins album that we've given away in the past again.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Obviously got a bulk order of those that can't shift them. Uhhmm, "Wild Weather", I don't know who's interested in this. This is, uh--

Ricky: Is that a double box set VHS of different weather?!

Steve: (Laughing) It appears to be, yeah.

Ricky: Ah, that's amazing!

Steve: There's two cassette tapes there, it's presented by Donal MacIntyre.

Ricky: THAT is amazing! How long is- that's a--

Steve: "It's a thrilling trip with the most exciting forces of our wild and turbulent world. Clouds, rainstorms--"

Ricky: So- so I'm right in saying it's- it's a double VHS video set of different weather?

Karl: There's stuff like tornadoes an' that!

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Yep, no, it's got- I mean it includes the fastest winds--

Ricky: Ohhh, you're joking!

Steve: The hottest desert, ehm and the biggest rain machine on the planet. That's on there, I think you have to--

Ricky: Ohhh, God. I- I wonder if they're- I hope they're bringing out another box set... "Soil"

Steve: Yeah, absolutely.

Ricky: Just go through different... "Mud".

Steve Laughs

Steve: And, uhh, and this maybe of interest - I read good reviews of the, uhh- the DVD of this - it's, uhh, a two-disc set: "The Wicker Man"--

Ricky: Oh, right, great film, yeah.

Steve: The classic seventies film. It's got a bunch of extras on there.

Ricky: That is actually quite a good film.

Steve: So, that- that's actually worth having. I'd probably throw the rest away or pawn that over on someone at Christmas.

Ricky: But "The Wicker Man" get that on DVD and it's, yeah, quite- it's very interesting.

Steve: Yeah. But, you'll enjoy that. So, uhh--

Ricky: So "Rockbusters" is it?

Karl: Yeah, all- all that's for "Rockbusters".

Ricky: Brilliant. Well, let's- let-l- I say get the ball rolling now.

Karl: What, of "Rockbusters"?

Ricky: Yeah get the ball rollin'.

Steve: I don't know, I mean, tease them, Rick, don't, you know- don't s- don't, sort of, spunk all the good stuff early on, I mean--

Ricky: Well...

Steve: That's dynamite.

Ricky: You- you can say, "Spunk". I can't.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Well- well we've got, ummm- actually it's quite good, movin' it about because we might have some new listeners here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I wouldn't of thought so.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Not after last week!

Karl: Ehhm, right, okay, so if you haven't heard it before I give you some initials- it work- you know it's like initials of an artist or a band--

Ricky: It's "Blockbusters"!

Karl: And- and a cryptic clue to who the band is. It's two easy ones, one difficult one.

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Karl: First one is: uhmm, "That'll never get off the ground."

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: "That'll never get off the ground". The initials?

Karl: "That'll never get off the ground", is the clue. And--

Ricky: Not L.Z.

Karl: The initials are L.Z.

Ricky: You are joking.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Two easy ones!

Ricky: Right. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah? Right and then you've got, uhhm, "That woman's got her husband's gloves and a pair of her own".

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: All right?

Steve: Say it again.

Karl: "That woman has got a pair of her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own". That's H.H. All right? That's a bit of a difficult one. And then the, uhh- the last one: "You'll get a lo", uhhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!" Right?

Steve: You'll get what?

Karl: "... a right load of bacon off them".

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: Ehmm, that's L.

Steve: L.

Ricky Snorts

Karl: So, uhh, once again--

Steve: "You'll get a right load of bacon off of them".

Karl: "You'll get- you'll get a right load of bacon off them".

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: So, first one: "That'll never get off the ground" - L.Z., uhh, "That woman has got her husband's gloves and she's got a pair of her own", that's H.H.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And, uhh, "You'll get a right load of bacon off them!", that's L. So...

Steve: And it's an email only competition.

Karl: Email only, uhh, [email protected] and we pick a winner before the end... So...

Steve: And you can win those great prizes--

Ricky: And you can win... "The Wicker Man"--

Steve: "The Weather"--

Ricky: "The Best of the Weather- Weather"--

Steve: (Laughing) "The Best of the Weather"!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Now that would be amazing.

Steve: "The Best of the Weather".

Ricky: As a compilation, Channel 4.

Steve: Yeah. Exactly. "Winds: Light to Variable".

Ricky: (Laughing) "I Love 1976 Weather".

Steve: Remember this one from August, 1979?

Ricky: Warm innit?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh, this is warm, innit?!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Oh, Karl!

Steve: "The Best of the Weather".

Ricky: I'll tell you what: you remember how we always play, like, great music usually?

Steve: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Ricky: I mean--

Steve: Ah, you're not- you're not gonna- have you--

Ricky: I'm gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is David Bowie - "Driving Saturday".

Steve: Awwww, he's done it again.

Ricky Giggles

Song: David Bowie - Driving Saturday