30 November 2002/Transcript

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This is a transcript of the 30 November 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Big Poster of a Predatory Gay

Song: Richard Ashcroft - “Science of Silence”

Ricky: Oh yeah, the smooth indie sound of Richard Ashcroft "Science of Silence" on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, joining me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: It was an excellent link that, Rick. Did you say nime at one point? One oh four point nime?

Ricky: Did I?

Steve: Other than that it was textbook.

Ricky: Again, I- I- yeah, desperate attempt at being articulate.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: But let myself down.

Steve: With your lack of-

Ricky: See here's the good thing about the boxing thing, because er- there's no chance of me... you know, er slurring me words.

Steve: Making a fool of yourself?

Ricky: No, no. I already slurred my words.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So no- any damage will be totally fine. Oh dear.

Steve: The doctor's rushing in, "I think there might be some kind of concussion."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Jane just going, "No, that's just the way he talks."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: But erm, but er- cause I'm thinking maybe did you start the show with- with that particular kind of er manner, just cause obviously a lot of new listeners, I imagine, thanks to the massive poster campaign and you obviously want to impress them with your charm.

Ricky: See now that there- there's a few examples today of irony coming back and bitin' ya.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that seemed like a funny idea at the time, me posing like 'at, but erm- Jonathan Ross phoned me up when they first went up and he said, "I've just seen a big poster of a predatory gay."

Steve Chuckles

Steve: Yeah, you do look a little bit er-

Ricky: Yeah, "Hellooo, what's your name?"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: "Would you like to sit down here?"

Ricky Laughs maniacally

Ricky: And then you're in the background. And also er-er- the- the- I think the funny thing about having you as a partner, I mean the only good thing is that y-y-you know, you look- you look weird and tall, like too freakishly tall and lanky.

Steve: Oi, heyheyheyhey.

Ricky: But in that one, no because you're background and you're smiling you don't look as weird as you do in real life, or as- as freakishly tall. So it sort of ruins it a little bit for me. Look at, look at that-

Steve: Is that a compliment?

A Little Manc...

Ricky: L-l-loo- look.

Steve: Pilkington, what you doing?

Ricky: He's not listening he's just opening the f- er packet, what are they? McVities? See- er wha- see we should mention them we could get some free ones. If anyone at McVities are listening. Cause we're not gettin' the perks of this.

Steve: Not at all. I'm- I- I'll tell ya I'm not getting anything. I really got in this game for er the ladies, for the money, for the voiceover work-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Certainly not seeing hide nor hare of that.

Ricky: But erm, you're not getting the voiceover work cause Jethro, the Jethro is gettin' all of his parts that you might get.

Steve: Yeah, right. Sure sure, yeah.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Erm okay Rick, yeah. You are the voice of what, the drink driving campaign?

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: You sound, you sound like a man who was run over in a drink driving accident.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: I mean it's like, you don't drive-

Ricky: Yeah but I didn't make any money from that did I?

Steve: You drink heavily-

Ricky: Or did I? I can't remember. Yeah

Steve: It's like I'mean talk about the kettle calling the pot black

Ricky: I don't drive, yeah. But that's good it's don't drink and drive. No it said don't drink and drive so I've chosen just to drink.

Steve: But at least I can formulate sentences using the English language and I'm not gettin' the voiceover work what- what's- wh- what-

Ricky: Yeah the English language of the 14th century.

Steve: What is that! Better a English language- an English language.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Not the, whatever kind of middle England language you speak. The language of the hobbits.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Alright Karl?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: See you're eating biscuits!

Steve: He's chowing on a biscuit!

Ricky: I can't believe it! Are you bored with us already? D'ya know what? MTV called me last week, they called me again yesterday and said when can they come down to do a- oh they're coming down next Saturday, by the way, to do a little screen test for ya. They're gonna sort of just film you with a little camcorder. You said this, they're gonna film ya… Are you alright? D'ya want- I mean- are you hungry? Do you wanna go out and have a meal? I can't believe you're eating while I'm on air.

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Do you know who I am?

Karl: No one can hear that.

Ricky: Explain who I am.

Steve: Er that's Ricky Gervais, right? He's made his name on TV.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, he's done any number of corporate gigs which- and they pay silly money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So I mean, this guy's earning, you know and really er- earning beyond his talent.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Alright? So-

Ricky: So I think I deserve a little bit more than a little Manc eating a biscuit while I'm talking.

Steve: Rick- Rick Gervais?

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: Have you won a BAFTA?

Ricky: Yeah, 2.

Steve: Alright so-

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Just a little bit of respect?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Karl, what have you won? What have you won?

Karl: Well the thing- I- I got a errr I got a- got a bronze certificate for doing a full week at school.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: That's great.

Steve: It was only a bronze.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What's that then? 3 of 5 days?

Steve Laughs

Karl: And er- and I got me a little crusader's badge if you- if you remember.

Steve: What's the little crusader's badge?

Ricky: The what?

Karl: Crusader's badge for the religious club, so-

Ricky: Oh is that the fella where you played ping pong ball-

Steve: Where you had to go to-

Ricky: And then they wanted to talk to you about God?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You got a crusader's badge, did you?

Karl: Yeah, that's why I went, that's why I joined, that's why I joined.

Steve: For the badge.

Karl: I liked- i liked the little badge. Did 4 weeks then packed it in. But er- we were talking about MTV, right? And I was feelin' a bit nervous wan't I? About... about like, you know the way I look.

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: Right

Karl: And wha' have ya. And then I watched a bit of Celebrity Big Brother and all the fuss that Mark Owen's gettin' and he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: He's- he's very- I- I- I like wanted to be Mark Owen's mate. If anybody knows Mark Owen or if Mark Owen's listenin' I wanna be his mate.

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I think he's brilliant.

Karl: I think he's a nice lad but what I'm saying is, right, all the girls go mad over him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And he's not- he's not that good looking is he?

Ricky: Well, no he's got a- he is in a certain way isn't he? That sort of er- non threatening sort of-

Karl: Yeah but he's not- he's not stunnin' is he? D'ya know what I mean?

Ricky: Well, no but no he-

Steve: Well what's your definition of stunning?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well-

Ricky: Who do you like?

Karl: Someone who you look at and you go, "God they- they're good looking."

Steve: Which bloke do you fancy?

Ricky: Well- well who- wh- what bloke do you think's attractive then?

Karl: So if I was into men...

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: In fact, you can still say a blokes a good looker without like fancying him.

Ricky: Yeeeeeaaaaaahhh, of course you can.

Karl: You know what I mean?

Ricky: Who- who do you think is attractive?

Karl: Probably errrr...

Pause

Karl: Oh... I mean it depends what you're looking for.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Just tell us.

Ricky, Steve and Karl talk simultaneously

Ricky: Who would you say, is like, stunning in your definition?

Karl: A good looking lad.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Good looking lad. Er, okay there's... errr... ooo...

Karl Sighs

Steve: D'ya find ya know, Robbie Williams, do you find him attractive?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Boy next door look.

Ricky: No, no. Who d'ya- Karl, hurry up cause it's, you know, we've only got 2 hours.

Karl: Probably... err...

Pause

Karl: D'you know, I-- I can't think of one offhand, Mark Owen is- is pretty good looking then, really. Err...

Steve: What there's noth- just name one bloke that you think's an attractive guy. There must be one bloke that you've either met or that you've, you know, seen in a pub. Or-

Ricky: Who do you think…?

Karl: Tell you what.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Tell ya what, erm, works here, erm, young Alex Zane.

Ricky and Steve tease Karl.

Steve: Oooooo! Helloooooo! Ooooooo…

Ricky: Ooooo,! Ooooo little Alex! Ooo I love you Alex! Oooooo!...

Song: Feeder - “Just the Way I'm Feeling”

Re-Introduction

Ricky: Brilliant. I love that. That- that's like erm a Ride song or summat.That's my favourite track.

Steve: Why dish.

Ricky: Why dish, Feeder "Just the Way I'm Feeling" on Xfm 104.9.

Steve: Rick, quick question for you.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I'm thinking erm a lot of people may- maybe tuning in for the first time cause of the advertising campaign.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Should we re-introduce Karl again? I know- I know we've done this a few times in the past but just worried that people are gonna not, you know, not really kind of get the measure of him for the new listeners.

Ricky: I'm- I'm- I'm yeah, let's do it, I'm Ricky Gervais er, of the one off The Office.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Steve Merchant, he's not the one in The Office, he's not- he's not Gareth. Some people think he is, he's got a funny, weird, West Country accent.

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: That actually Mackenzie was affecting.

Steve: Uh-hiuh

Ricky: For the role. Steve er wrote it with me. He's tall erm lanky fella. Er, Karl is our erm sort of I say producer but he's the one that presses the buttons because I'm just too... Yeah, but I mean it was just cause I was too big to run the desk.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Erm, like I used to have to do it.

Steve: Not literally too big, you could...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: And then we discovered that, you know, he looks a bit like a boring sort of (in Manc accent) "Alright? Yeah." But then when we sort of st- you know poked him with a stick he came up with erm er he doesn't realize but some of the, I think some of the funniest things...

Steve: Some of the most extraordinary things you've ever heard.

Ricky: Yeah, erm, say hello Karl.

Karl: Alright

Ricky: Yeah, errrm.

Steve: Well classics, I think, so far gone straight to the list include, "Have you ever used a Y-front correctly?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Er you never see an old person...

Steve: Eating a Twix.

Ricky: Eatin' a Twix. These are the sort of things. Er he- he's back on his campaign to get rid of jellyfish. Why is that, Karl?

Karl: Awww did you see the paper yesterday?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: There's a jellyfish...

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ricky: Alright.

Karl: It's about... 15 foot long, 'bout 5 foot wide.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: And er, there's a fella swimmin' next to it and the paper's going all, "Look at this we've found, there's loads of 'em in Japan."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm and it's cos they all- they er the water's gettin' hot so it's making jellyfish really big.

Steve: Oh dear. How is the campaign going to get jellyfish rid, you know, get rid of 'em?

Ricky: What- what's your point about jellyfish? Just they don't do anything?

Karl: There's no point, they get in the way, they ruin me holiday.

Steve: Uh-huh

Karl: Cos I got stung by one.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, and I don't-

Ricky: But you think the same thing about Liverpudlians and we can't just go around, you know, wiping out things that ruin your holiday.

Karl: Well let's do the jellyfish first and then we'll move onto the Scousers.

Ricky: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Erm, but yeah, I dunno what they do. And I'm still- I mean I'm trying- I looked on the internet I've been busy this week.

Ricky: You're on jellyfish now, not Scousers?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: You don't know what the difference is.

Steve: I don't know what they do either.

Ricky laughs

Karl: To try and work out what would happen with the sea if it didn't work cos they say like if there's no-

Ricky: What!?

Steve: Hey slow down.

Ricky: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. See that is what we're talking about, people listen the first time they've gotta listen to every word you say. You wanna find out what would happen with the sea if it didn't work?

Karl: If- if- if jellyfish weren't in there, d'ya know what I mean? Cos stuff like corral, apparently the sea would be in a right state if you didn't have any corral, innit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Erm... If fish, d'ya know what I mean, I always worry about how many fish we're sort of eatin' cos you go past...

Steve laughs

Karl: D'ya know You go in Marks and Spencers or Selfridges and it's all-

Steve: Loads of fish in there.

Karl: And there's really fancy stuff that you think they've killed that and it looks good on the counter, pretty impressive.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: But is anyone gonna buy it?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? It's a big like a shark sat in ice.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And you go, "Yeah, they've got- they've got like a lot of fish for sale..."

Ricky: So you're going round the Tate Gallery what-

Karl: But, d'ya know what I mean? It's in Selfridges.

Ricky: Well I've never seen a big shark sat in ice in Selfridges.

Karl: They do. They do it and then it's like you go in the morning and you can go back at night and the same shark's sat there and it's- it's-

Ricky: You know it's the same shark d'ya?

Karl: It's the same one.

Ricky: So- so- so what same face?

Steve: You sure he just hasn't lost his mum and he's just like he went shopping for the Christmas shopping and he's just like he don't know where- he's just waiting.

Ricky laughs

Karl: You know I'm right.

Steve: I've never seen a shark in Selfridges.

Karl: Well, alright then say maybe that's one day a week but another day it's like-

Ricky: Shark Monday, like a, "Today at Selfridges it's Shark Monday."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: No it's just that-

Steve: So your point is that there's all these fish not being eaten.

Karl: Yeah, so they're taking them out of the sea, no one's eatin' 'em...

Steve: And you're worried what that the sea's gonna rise cause the more things you take out...

Karl: Well I just dunno if it's gonna rise.

Ricky: Cause they- cause the fish drink it, don't they and that keeps the water level down.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No but you know- you know what I mean there's stuff- there's stuff at work...

Steve: Was it you who said...

Karl: ...that worries me.

Steve: It worries you. Was it you that said that you're worried that cause, you know, there's sponge in the sea.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: That if they took it all away-

Ricky: No.

Steve: Was that- was that you?

Ricky: That's the Steven Wright joke.

Steve: Is that Steven Wright? What's the joke?

Ricky: Yeah, sponges grow in the sea, it kills me, how deep would it be if they died?

Steve laughs

Ricky: I love the fact that he confused you with Steven Wright who- who for a living purposely says ridiculous things.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Does that worry you, Karl?

Karl: Errr...

Steve: Well think about that and play a record.

Karl: What d'ya want?

Ricky: I'd love some- a classic, a beautiful song by Simon and Garfunkel "April Come She Will."

Song: Simon and Garfunkel - “April Come She Will”

The Last Few Weeks Have Been Genius!

Ricky: "April Come She Will" Simon and Garfunkel.

Steve: That was in the days when they kept songs short.

Ricky: Short and sweet. What d'ya think of that, Karl? As a track?

Karl: Yeah yeah, it was good.

Ricky: Yeah? You like that d'ya?

Karl: Yeah, it's a good one, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah excellent. Erm so yeah so er- that- that's erm- that's Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Coming up on the show we've got Educating Ricky...

Karl: Erm, not happy with this.

Ricky: Oh really? Cause the last few weeks have been genius.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What is there- is there a drop in quality is there, of the education of me?

Karl: It's just like I said I've wasted a lot of time this week searching on the web, right? Er...

Ricky: You wasted a lot of time searching on the web because you come up with things that aren't true. Why don’t you look in books and verified sort of like journals...

Karl: What happens is there's a new book though, innit?

Steve: No.

Ricky: Beware of the new book.

Karl: It is, it’s a new library. So I've been searching there's hardly anything. I spoke to ya in the week.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: And erm about Monday or Tuesday.

Ricky: What did you say? There's nothing happened this week in the world apart from…

Karl: There's nothing going on there was a new car wash that you can put dogs in.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It was a car wash you can put dogs in?

Ricky: He said that's the only thing that's happened in the world.

Ricky coughs

Karl: And then the jellyfish but we've covered that so...

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: So we've got- yeah- we- we’ve- I’ve managed to find some bits but it's not that good. Erm Rockbusters...

Ricky: Yeah you- you've really G’d up, so that's coming up, the thing that's not that good...

Steve: Yeah yeah look forward to that.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Could you just quickly tell us about the car wash for the dog innit as that...

Steve: I don't know what's the story?

Ricky: They didn't make the top three.

Karl: I di- I didn't- I didn't waste that much time on it to be honest.

Ricky: What did it say?

Karl: It just said erm, you know, “How busy are ya? Er, have you got a dog?”

Ricky coughs

Karl: And “How about saving some time with some car wash out erm... it's- it’s not a car wash it's a dog wash.” Erm... you take it down there, put your coin in, put your dog in, and it comes out clean. See there's nothing in there.

Ricky: Is this- is this called a bath? Isn't it?

Karl: No but it's like a machine.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: There's a machine. But- but we'll le- you know, that's why I didn't pick it.

Ricky laughs

Karl: So we've got- we've got some bits coming up. Er, Rockbusters.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Rick can I just er... can I just explain some of the prizes we've got here for Rockbusters? Because I just want you to try and picture, if you would, the kind of Xfm listener who'd particularly want this collection- this collection of- of- of gifts.

Ricky laughs

Steve: You've got the erm, the best chill-out album ever, this is the one as I've said before that's largely made up of songs you may have heard in adverts.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: So you've the erm- the Volvo advert on there...

Ricky: Yeah. Any phones- any phones?

Steve: T-Mobile.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: That's on there, so erm- that's some right songs so look forward to that. Erm... yeah again just- just imagine which Xfm listener is particularly looking forward to Top of the Morning with Terry Wogan...

Ricky laughs

Steve: His er- two disc set there. You got er- it starts with erm- er- The Bangles on there we've got Billy Joel "River of Dreams" er "Shine On" by Mr. Chris de Burgh, so erm...

Ricky: So that's good.

Steve: So look forward to that er...

Ricky coughs

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: We've got the Only Fools and Horses last year's Christmas special. We gave one of those away last year- er last week but er- still more to er, shift.

Ricky: Is there- is there- do I spy a little three… car?

Steve: And yes a little three- three wheel trotter independent er training three wheel car so...

Ricky: Oooooooo.

Steve: So that's there as well. So erm- as ya say if you- if you like fairly er- good comedy.

Ricky: And little little Jonathan Ross's face there.

Steve: Yeah on the back.

Ricky: Awww.

Steve: And er- maybe you also want er... Geri Halliwell's "Body Yoga" DVD Rick, so erm.

Ricky: Sure yeah well that's good quality.

Steve: And then just a few token er- Xfm kind of things. We've got er The Manic Street Preachers DVD and er- the U2 Best of...

Ricky: And er- tell me Steve how do er- the lucky winner- er listeners win these?

Steve: Rick, I'm glad you've asked. What they do is they email in with the answers to Rockbusters which is a quiz to...

Ricky: Hold on- hold on though how do they email if they don't know the email address?

Steve: Rick, again, thanks for asking thanks for flagging that up. Erm- [email protected]. That will be coming up shortly. Erm- try and get into the mindset of Karl Pilkington. A lot of people have been trying to email in answers trying to think through kind of logically.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Or maybe based on the rules that they've picked up over the years.

Ricky: Or when he says it's a cryptic clue they believed him.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So er- you've just got to think more like a mentalist to try and get it.

Karl: Right, first of all, alright, the prizes that I source every week...

Steve: Explain yourself.

Karl: Erm, what I've said to you we're doing between now and Christmas, cause there's just a few weeks til Christmas...

Steve: Right.

Karl: I thought I'd make up sort of family packs...

Steve: Ok.

Karl: That erm- the winner can have something, say like erm- there's a nice U2 album in there right? So the winner might wanna keep that. But they can get rid of the Geri yoga thing...

Ricky: They can give Only Fools and Horses to an uncle...

Karl: ...To the dad

Ricky: To the dad, yeah. The mum- I think the mum would love the Terry Wogan.

Karl: Yeah, yeah. The yoga for your sister.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And all that.

Steve: So is that- that- is that what you thought through is it? Or- or was it that there was a load of junk in the office?

Ricky: Did- or- or did you scoop em up with two arms and this is as much as you can carry down the corridor?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: A little bit of that.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Ok.

Karl: But that's me er- that's me workings on why we've got all that.

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: Brilliant. That's excellent.

Steve: Makes a lot of sense.

Ricky: Er that's coming up erm- what?

Karl: And me- and me mum's sent some more.

Steve: What we also need you to know is...

Ricky: Let him- he's got a little- he's got a letter from his mum.

Karl: Me mum did some more Rockbusters for us.

Ricky: I reckon- I reckon they're secretly listening Karl. They've said they're not listening but I reckon they are.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Does that worry ya?

Steve: Well let's play a record and let's hear erm- let's hear your mum's Rockbusters.

Song: David Bowie - “Be My Wife”