18 January 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 18 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I've Done Very Little Preparation

Song: The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Ricky: The Flaming Lips, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots"--

Steve: Mm hmm.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Good morning.

Ricky: Uhh, I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna own up straight away - I've done very little work towards this show this week. May be a little bit iffy.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: You surprise me.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. So, I apologize if it sounds a bit, sort of--

Steve: Thanks for being honest though, Rick.

Ricky: Well, no, I don't- you know, I don't want people to go, "Hold on, that was a bit shoddy, this week. I hope it's not going to be like that every week."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So, it is because I've done very little preperation.

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Ricky: Sooo...

Steve: Right. Whereas normally...

Ricky: You'll probably have to help me out--

Steve: All right.

Ricky: You'll have to do some of the- some of the work. Karl, you might have to help us out a little bit as well--

Steve: I don't know. I mean--

Ricky: Because I know Steve's done nothing towards it either. So, the onus is on you a little bit, here. I love the fact that it's still listed as either "Ricky Gervais" or "Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant"--

Steve: Mm!

Ricky: In the, you know--

Steve: Essentially, we don't need to be here, really.

Ricky: No. It p- I know now people listen for Karl.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Everyone I've spoken to for- you know, people on buses to, uh comedians- like Ross Noble mentioned you the other day and, uh, you know it- they go, uhh--

Steve: People on buses?

Ricky: I've never been on a bus for years.

Steve: You've never been on a bus--

Ricky: No.

Steve: For, like, 12 years or something?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: (Laughing) "People on buses".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I don't know why I find that so funny. I just know--

Ricky: Well, they- no--

Steve: The idea of you being on a bus--

Ricky: Well I'm not on a bus!

Steve: The idea of you having to be on a bus--

Ricky: They're shouting out from the window!

Steve: Right.

Ricky: They're going, "I love Karl."

Steve: (Laughing) Right. Yeah.

Ricky: I'm j- I'm walking along.

Steve: How much is it on the bus?

Ricky: Twenty pence.

Steve: (Laughing) Now, come on seriously, how much is it?

Ricky: Uhh, uhhmm... "One- one adult for terminus, please!"

Steve Laughs

Steve: I love the fact- you know they do that thing where, like, if they're interviewing, kind of--

Ricky: What is it? 50, 60p?

Steve: Paul Newman or someone famous, they always--

Ricky: No, it's a quid, isn't it? It's a quid.

Steve: They always say, "How much is a b- pint of milk?" And that's supposed to prove if you're, sort of, still in touch with your roots--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Or whether you're too big a celebrity.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You've got no idea how much it costs on the bus, have you?

Ricky: Quid.

Steve: It's not a quid.

Ricky: 1.20.

Steve: No, it's not 1.20.

Ricky: Pint of milk - about 50p.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: 30p.

Steve: (Laughing) Aw, brilliant.

Ricky: Uhhh...

Steve: W- he- I mean- cuz it's fascinating- you gave this stuff up- I mean, you gave this stuff up before you became a celebrity.

Ricky: What?

Steve: Didn't you? You were- you were always...

Ricky: Lazy.

Steve: Because people always say to me, like, "Oh, um"- you know - "Ricky seems a bit obnoxious", you know--

Ricky: Who says that?!

Steve: No, they say- no--

Ricky: No, no, who comes up to you and just says that?!

Steve: A guy on the tube did it.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I swear to God. He came up, he said, uh- he said, "I was watching an interview with Ricky", he said- he said, "he's not a nice piece of work!", I went, "Well, I mean...", he said, "Noo, I've got friends like that", you know, just- and he's like, "They're always talking, they're a bit irritating, you know, and you, sort of, let them off because they're your mates", but I was going, "Well, hang on a minute", he went--

Ricky: Well, two things...

Steve: Fair enough.

Ricky: You know, it is, sort of, my job, talking--

Steve: Mm hm.

Ricky: And being interviewed, essentially you do have to talk.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: So if that's--

Steve: About yourself.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) If that's his only criticism--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Then I'm not too bad.

Steve: No, he didn't think you were funny either. So...

Ricky Cackles With Laughter

Steve: He had a- in fact he had a whole list.

Ricky: Was i--

Steve: Well I say "a list" - a petition.

Ricky: It wasn't Dickey Anderson, was it?

Steve Laughs

Steve: It wasn't Richard Anderson.

Ricky: I hope he's listening.

Steve: He's our biggest fan.

Ricky: I'll tell you what, Mock Turtles need a remix by Fatboy Slim, don't they?

Steve: Mock Turtles?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's a great tune but I'd like to hear it remixed!

Ricky: Yeh.

Song: Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It remixed by Fat Boy Slim