25 January 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 25 January 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

There Was This Woman Who's Got a Big Head

Song: Feeder - Just the Way I'm Feelin'

Ricky: There you go, Feeder, Just the Way I'm Feelin' on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We've got a great show lined up this week haven't we?

Steve: Go on, what have you got planned?

Ricky: Oh well I've got songs from David Bowie, Thin Lizzy, Gene, ACDC, you heard Feeder there, you've got... ohhh... th- ohh... Smiths! All that, we've got a great feature - a new feature. Urm, spoke to Karl in the week and we worked out a new feature where um, people are gonna give him sort of like problems to solve, they could be scenarios - they could be management scenarios at work, you know, problem solving, things like that, organising things, he's a very good organizer. I'll tell you wha- I'll tell you what happened; he's dropping Do We Need 'Em 'cos he's getting fed up with scientists... He thinks there's a conspiracy and they're getting together and they're never gonna lose an animal.

Steve: (Laughing) Right...

Ricky: So he's fed up with that. Urr... Rockbusters, we've got some great prizes, urr...

Steve: Well. Have you seen them yet?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Be careful.

Ricky: They're not gonna be great are they.

Steve: I just peeked in, and all I'm gonna say to you is: Fools and Horses Christmas Special?

Ricky: Not the one with the little car?

Steve: The little car, yeah.

Ricky: Brilliant, that is excellent. Karl, what have you got to say for yourself? Hold on, it was a rollover wasn't it, 'cos you really mucked up Rockbusters last time. What was he doi- saying? FP for the whole thing - no, FD he was saying, and it was Freda Payne.

Steve: Have you written the clues down this week, 'cos that seems like an obvious way to improve this.

Karl: Yeah... I write the clues down-

Ricky: The week before he couldn't remember what the answer was.

Steve: Yeah! (Laughing)

Karl: Yeah, but... you know, learn by your mistakes an' that.

Ricky: You don't.

Steve laughs

Karl: Mmm. So yeah-

Ricky: Shall I give you a sort of taster?

Karl sighs

Ricky: We were having a pizza, in a pizza establishment urr... when was it, Wednesday or Thursday? And urr he was going "I'm a good organizer, I'm a good problem solver, give me any- any scenario, right?" Obviously he didn't say scenario. Um, and I went "OK then, so you're the manager of this place, and there's a couple there, a lovely couple, they're about 60. They've had a lovely meal". He went "yep, right". I went "but, th- the gentleman; he's got a little bit of a heart condition and he takes a pill, after his meal, as he should afterwards. Ahh- he's only taken viagra.

Steve: Oooh.

Ricky: And now he's stuck in!

Steve: Wedged in?

Ricky: Wedged in, it's gon-

Steve: We've all been there.

Ricky: It's gone, and it's stopping him getting out from the table so what would you do? And he went "what, he's stuck in 'cos of his dick?" I went "yeah" he went "right...". He said "I'd use the situation, I'd make cash - I'd say 'you're not going anywhere, do you want a pudding?'"

Steve laughs

Steve: Entrepreneurial, I like it Karl.

Ricky: And he went "so that's sorted, I've got the job an' that, next"? I went "OK, anoth- ooh, you won't believe it. The next day, there's a little problem in the toilets, two gay men were having sex and they got stuck!

Steve: In each other?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, and he went "Right. I'd say is it the same fella ye- as yesterday with the viagra? If so, why was he let in again, who was on the door"?

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: I went "it's not. It's two different people". He di- he goes "right".

Steve: (Imitating Karl's questions) Does his wife know he's cheating on him?

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah! He went "Right, I'd go down, I- I'd go"- and then he went "(angrily) Ohh, I'd say 'this isn't a restaraunt problem, call an ambulance'".

Steve laughs

Ricky: Strictly speaking not a restaraunt problem, no!

Karl: But am I right?

Ricky: Huh?

Karl: Am I right?

Ricky: Well... I dunno.

Karl: Would you give me the job, if- if say like you were the boss of that restaraunt an-

Ricky: Do you- Do you know what I like about this? At no point did he say "Gervais, why're you being so mental"?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Why would someone get stuck 'cos they took viagra by mistake, and two people would get stuck in each other and-

Steve: But you've heard the stories from his past-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: That is a perfectly legitimate situation to find himself in!

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah yeah! What would you do if there was two fellas with big heads and webbed feet, and they had a horse in a- (Imitating Karl) "Well, what I'd do is-" What would you do, what did you do when you first saw 'em?

Karl: When I saw the urr...

Ricky: The kids-

Karl: Lads with big heads?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Uhmm, I though-

Steve: We should very quickly remind people if they didn't listen to that particular show, urr... they were- they had webbed hands? Did they, or webbed feet?

Karl: Well, they- they had webbed hands.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And big heads.

Steve: And enormous heads.

Karl: But it wasn't related.

Ricky: (Bemused) But they weren't related?

Steve: I dunno - they were completely seperate people.

Karl: No no, no but I'm saying that the webbed hands isn't due to the fact they've got a big head.

Steve: No, sure.

Karl: It's two different things, they were just unlucky.

Ricky: No, Hold on, if they weren't related, and they both had webbed hands and big heads, I'm saying there was a condition that had- that was related that had those two con-

Karl: I don't think there was.

Ricky: So what do you think the chances of that are? They're not related, and he goes "Oh, you've got a big head and webbed hands as well". "Yeah, it's just a coincidence, 'innit."

Karl: Yep. I don- I honestly don't think it was related.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Because I've- I've seen I've- I've since seen th- the same problem again on another kid with a big head. His hands look good.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Right, so you think the big head is just a seperate issue.

Karl: Yeah, it's a totally different illness. It's like having a headache and a cold at the same time.

Steve: Right, so not all connected.

Karl: But the weird thing is right-

Ricky keeps chuckling

Karl: Lookin- looking round in the week at weird stuff on the urr... on the internet. There's this woman who's got a big head.

Steve: Aaah, yeah.

Karl: And urmm... She was fed up with it because when she was walking down the street, it was so big she couldn't hold it up.

Ricky starts laughing

Steve: (Confused) Right... she couldn't hold it up...

Ricky: (Laughing) Oh god! For god's sake!

Steve: No, keep- shut up! She couldn't hold it up.

Karl: So when she was walking, sh- her eyes were hurting because she had to sort of look up all the time 'cos her head was that heavy, her chin was sort of balanced on her chest.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right?

Steve: She'd have to peek up- yeah.

Karl: So urr, she goes to the doctors, and this was after years and years and said you know "I thought I could put up with it but I can't".

Ricky: How big was her head?

Steve: It's big, Rick.

Karl: I- I don't know if it was like big, 'cos there wasn't a picture, I don't know if it was just big or alot of bone, so it was heavy.

Ricky: Right, like the Elephant Man just outcrops.

Karl: Yeah, so urr... the doctor said "Yeah. Urrm, we can sort that out. Urmm, but we'll have to take your head off".

Ricky: (Angrily) Right. OK, so-

Steve: No, keep going!

Karl: No, 'cos I- again, I... What you don't seem to understand is I have the same reaction to you when I s- see it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What?

Steve: You're quizzical yourself. You're suspicious.

Karl: So they looked at it. They took her head off, urmm... Chipped away a bit of the bone.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: Made her head lighter. Put it back on.

Pause

Steve laughs

Ricky: Right, play The Smiths.

Steve: (Scornfully) They took a woman's head off!

Ricky: Yeah. This is Ask by The Smiths.

Steve: (Mock DJ tone) And if you'd like to ask Karl something, details coming up soon!

Song: The Smiths - Ask

It's Like an Investment

Ricky: Ask. By The Smiths, on Xfm 104.9. So urr, what's the e-mail Karl? If people wanna ask you something; a problem, they've got a problem to solve. It can be anything - it could be a personal problem, it could be a scenario... I could be abou- urr... It could be about... war. It could be anything. But do you-

Steve: Or it could be more flippent I suppose.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah it could be.

Karl: Yeah but I prefer stuff that I could sort-

Steve: That you could get your teeth into.

Karl: And actually, you know, sort out.

Steve: What like war?

Karl: War is too... A bit, a bit big for me that one.

Ricky: Do you think?

Karl: (Yawning) I don't want to get into that.

Pause

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What do you mean?! If Tony Blair came to you and he went "Karl, listen I'm having a bit of trouble here. I don- I don't know what to do, I've tried everything: I've tried spin, I've tried being tough, I've tried backing down, I've tried getting other countries involved, they don't want to know... What do I do? What do I do?

Karl: Dunno.

Ricky: You don't know?

Karl: Tricky one.

Ricky: It is a tricky one, yeah.

Karl: I don't worry about it, if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen 'innit?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Get in the bath, put a mattress on- on top of you... That's it.

Ricky: Sorry, why- why're you doing that?

Steve: Wooooh, slow down.

Ricky: Why're you doing that?

Karl: That's what they say you do, innit, if it kicks off.

Steve: If what kicks off?

Karl: If th- If there's a war an' that, you- you get in the bath, put a mattress on top.

Steve: Right... Did they do that in the Second World War, for 6 years?

Ricky: Was that make- making bunk beds?

Karl: It's just what I read somewhere.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You ge- Is the bath full of water?

Karl: Urr... No, no no. That'd be daft.

Steve: Ok...

Ricky: I think they- I think they were enamel baths then though, I think they would've stopped a bit of shrapnel. I think the plastic ones you get nowadays would probably melt on you. And the mattress - where you dad has cut it in half - all the foam would come out and the springs would get you in the eye.

Karl: Oooh. Talking 'bout me dad. Steve you'll love this, right.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Urmm... Me dad hates urr, he hates being ripped off right?

Steve: Yes. Well I can relate to that, it's important.

Karl: Urr... hates coming to London now, he always wants me to go and see them rather than come here 'cos it- he just thinks London is like a big ripoff.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Urr, last time he came he got annoyed 'cos I bought him a scone and a cup of tea for like 3 of us and it was £14 and he's jus- he was livid.

Ricky snorts

Karl: And then we had an argument about that, and then we went to the Millenium wheel, and I said "do you fancy going on this"? And he said "Urrh, alright then", then he saw the price, and it was something like 20 quid or something and he said "20 quid to go on on- up in the air to look at stuff that's on the ground"? He said "I might as well stay on the ground".

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Alright? I thought "good point".

Steve: His logic is impeccable.

Karl: So anyway, this is going on, anyway. He spoke to me the other day, I said "how're things, are you alright an' that", he said "eeurgh, been ripped off". I said "Why?", he said he ordered - do you know the place where he got a new bed from because he cut the other one in half, right.

Steve: Of course, yeah.

Karl: He urr, he got this bed out of the catalog. So urr... so he sorted out a payment on the phone, he said "look, you're ripping me off a bit here on the interest thing, but urrm w- let's do a deal, we'll sort out a new monthly payment that's different to th- what it says in the catalog". And they said "yeah we'll go along with that". Anyway, so he sorted that out, he was happy, the bed arrives, it's a nice bed he say's "that's great". So anyway... urr... he got the bill for it, and it was the original price.

Steve: Ooooh. I thought that might be the case, yeah.

Karl: Alright? So they called up and said "I'm not happy with this", he said "we said a deal on that", "Oh... no, dunno what you're talking about". He said "right, don't send me your catalog's anymore, he said I'm no- I'm not buying anything from you, you're ripoff merchants".

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: Urmm... So anyway few- a few weeks go by, post comes. Only another catalog, in the post.

Steve: Awwww. He's livid.

Karl: Right, so he was well annoyed.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So he looked on the back, and it said on it 'this catalog will always be property of - you know, the company that- that does it. Urmm, so w- you can't throw it away. If- if we request to have it back, we've got pe- permission to get it back off you.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right? So he though "right, well they're out order, I told them not to send me one, and they have done, and they're saying I can't chuck it away". So he called them up, and said urr "alright, Mr. Pilkington here, bought a bed off you, you've conned me an' that, but you know forget that".

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: "We've dealt with that. You've sent me a catalog, I told you not to. It says on the back here that this will always be yours, yeah. So in a way, you're using my house as a warehouse. I'll be charging you 26 pence" or something, a day.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: He said "you already owe me £6.28. Something like that.

Steve: (Laughing) Genius.

Karl: And urr... yeah, he's sorted it out. So again, you know it's-

Steve: So hang on, but are they going along with this?

Karl: I don't know what happened, he said they sound annoyed and said they'd get back to him and they haven't, but he said "I'm not bothered, they can take as long as they want, cos the money just keeps going up".

Steve: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, what sort of profit has he made so far?

Karl: Well, when I spoke to him in the week it was like £6 odd, that was- I think that was on Tuesday, so it- it's... you know he's just leaving it, it's like an investment.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: It's like an investment!

Steve: It's like an antique he's bought.

Karl: It's just... yeah, it's just going up everyday, so urr...

Steve: Well, keep us posted on that, that's dynamite. I- one, one day we need to speak to your father.

Ricky: Yeah, I think so.

Steve: So many questions to be asked of him.

Ricky: I think we do. In fact, I might sen- give you a letter to take home.

Steve: (Laughing) Yeah!

Ricky: Dear Mr. Pilkington. Your son Karl...

Steve: New single from Nick Cave, urr I think we mention-

Ricky: I'm looking forward to it.

Song: Nick Cave - Bring It On

All I'm Gonna Win is a Moped

Steve: That's the urr... forthcoming single from Nick Cave, from his album Nocturama, that's called Bring It On.

Ricky: That's great... I mus- I must admit, I was a latecomer to Nick Cave.

Steve: It's extrodinary yeah...

Ricky: I mean, years into his solo stuff before I decided that he was brilliant.

Steve: Mmm, yeah.

Ricky: Fantastic.

Steve: Hmm he's fantastic... Umm, I had some exciting news this week Karl, you'll be pleased to find out. Umm I don- I'm worried that you might get a little bit jealous, cos it's obviously gonna impact on your world quite strongly cos I know you think- you like things to be quite, quite sa- you know, samey, you like the status quo to be mantained... You like the fact that in the past, you know we've had some cross words, you know cos you've- I remember, what did you think of me when I first walked in? When I first came in on the first day on Xfm?

Karl: Ye- yeah but... I don't know why you're making a big deal out of it cos-

Steve: Do you wanna bring- Do you wanna-

Karl: I'm just being honest though.

Steve: Well...

Karl: I'm just being honest, I bet alot of people who see you for the first time sort of go "well, he's a bit weird".

Ricky laughs

Steve: Ooooh. Oooh.

Ricky: (Laughing) I love the fact Steve, that you bought it up! And then you're again yo-

Steve: But I'm sure that wasn't what he said before... Did he say it before?

Ricky: No he did. Yeah well-

Steve: "He's a bit weird?"

Ricky: Well he looked at you, and I knew, I could see by the look on his face, you know when urr... when you know you- your kid and you're kid's sort of scared of something and they go "why's you kid sca-" and he goes "oh he doesn't like pigeons" or spiders.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: It was like that, when I saw Karl and I- I bought you in and I went "what do you think of that, Karl, I could see the look on his face that he di- he was disturbed...

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And then as he said... you get used to it don't you?

Karl: Yeah, you get used to it. And yo- you have changed a little bit, your hairs a bit smarter now, and you've got some nicer glasses an' that, I think.

Ricky snorts

Karl: Or I might have just got used to it.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, don- don't bring it up Steve, don't look at me like that!

Steve: So you're saying that you think some other people in the office thought the same? Do you know that for sure?

Ricky: Karl!

Steve: Did you discuss it?

Ricky: Karl.

Karl: Yeah, I thi- I think they do yeah.

Ricky: OK, leave it there then.

Karl: But not just in the office...

Ricky laughs

Karl: ...as you walk around London.

Ricky: Ohh it's worse than you ever though!

Steve: Well no, it's not worse than I ever thought, because as you well know Ricky Gervais, ur- what did I do on urr- Thursday morning?

Ricky: Oh, is this the thing... urr...

Steve: For those urr that are urr, are not of the female persuasion listening, there's a magazine, apparently it sells quite well, it's one of the sort of female you know kind of issues magazines, it's called 'Company' magazine. You know, it's like your sort of... I guess it's a bit like your Moore or your Vanity Fair or whatever.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Anyway, they run every year, the 50 most elligible bachelors in Great Britain section. Ding dong, hello! Who's in there, this year? In the 50, in the top 50 of the entire country?

Ricky: And then they vo- they vote and they put them in order and see who's the most elligible bachelor-

Steve: But that's of- that's 50 people, right, most of- th- I mean th- I... It always annoys me slightly because bachelor it- it- it kind of seems like a more sophisticated word for loser.

Ricky: Yeah, I know.

Steve: Doesn't it, which always sort of...

Ricky: And also they try and do a different 50 every year, so they're getting pretty desperate to get different ones...

Steve: No, no, no, no, no, no...

Ricky: Cos there's not many... Cos also alot of people who're sort of like successful an- an- that are- are married, so there's very little to... Go on though.

Steve: No no no no no, there's a huge... I don't know if this is international, it could even be international I'm not sure...

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: ...actually which means I could be up there with the likes of Justin Timberlake...

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Etc. So urr- Fred Durst.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: That sort of person, you know. So lo- so anyway, this is what's exciting right, although I'm slightly frustrated because they were telling me that last year, alright they ga- cos what happens is they all- the readers of the magazine, they all vote for who they think is number one, most elligible bachelor right. Last year, the urr- the prize was a two week trip in the Bahama's... ok. This year, I'm annoyed, because all I'm gonna win is a moped. That's the prize you see-

Ricky: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Backtrack. Sorry?

Steve: What?

Ricky: Last year, was a... two week trip to the Bahama's, and this year what?

Steve: Just a mobile mop-

Ricky: All you're gonna win is a moped?

Steve: Yeah I'm so-

Ricky: You're no- you've got no chance. You've got no chance. Who else is in it?

Steve: Well, I dunno... lot's and lot's of people you've never heard of, I know Duncan from Blue was in-

Ricky: Ding! So, so you're second to him at least, already. I imagine you're s- you're gonna come behind the other 49.

Steve: Nooo Noo Noo Noo Noo.

Ricky: So urr...

Steve: Noo Noo Noo...

Ricky: But- but- you know...

Steve: Because people voting for me, they need to vote for me.

Ricky: Yep, yep Steve. I was-

Steve: No, they can see my photo and th-

Ricky: I was... Yeah, according to Heat, I was 22nd most sexy man in the world.

Steve: I'd better take that helmet back.

Ricky: I would.

Song: AC/DC - Shook Me All Night Long