Xfm Series 4

Xfm Series 4 May 2005 - July 2005 List of episodes

Episodes: 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I) 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II) 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III) 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV) 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V) 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

28 May 2005 (Xfm: Ricky & Stephen 2005, Episode I)

The show returns, Ricky and Stephen are standing in for Adam and Joe. They comment about how nothing has changed, except that the listenership has gone down possibly because each year a few old XFM listeners die, of smack addictions or gout.

One year later, Ricky is still affected by Dr Foxe's comment that "you're [Ricky] not very good."

Karl doesn't want to go to the doctors because "they can always find something." He fears the "finger up the arse thing." He refuses to go because he doesn't want to know what they would find in his rectum, and he is mainly worried about his heart.

Karl Don't mess with them...[Ricky: What do you mean?] you can do more damage messin' about with them, just leave 'em - and there's two anyway, you can afford to lose one.

Ricky believes Karl is going to die of cancer, and impersonates him: "I don't check me balls... i dont like the feel".

Karl believes that if the doctor doing the prostate check was somebody he knew, it would be just as bad.

Stephen tries to make the listeners more acquainted with Karl through the website http://www.freewebs.com/the_k_man. Karl doesn't know the difference between a hyphen (-) and an underscore (_), simply describing as "a line and that" and advises the listeners to "try both."

Stephen decides to ask Karl questions taken from The Guardian's Q&A.

SM: What is your idea of perfect happiness?

KP: Er... What, for me or... ?

SM: Already he's...

Ricky: No, Ronny Corbbett

KP: No no, but, but what do you mean like, what would make me happy, or for everyone to be happy?

RG: No, what would make you happy? Maybe that's the answer, maybe your idea of happiness is everyone being happy, i dont know, what would make you totally, blissfully...

SM: Unlikely Rick, i imagine it's a 24 hour monkey channel on Sky

RG: (laughter) yeah yeah, okay go on, a neverending popsicle, go on

KP: Yeah, i don't think i've had it yet where i'm really, really happy

RG: Karl, i've never seen you really happy, no

KP: No, but...

SM: When have you been at your happiest?

KP: Probably, I like, sort of fish fingers, potato cakes and beans for tea

SM: Second question, what is your greatest fear, Karl?

KP: Going to the doctors

RG: So presumably, ill health and mortality

KP: Eh...

SM: No, just the doctors

RG: Any particular doctor?

KP: I don't want to live forever either, i just want to do my innins? I just wanna get to 83, 84

SM: Which living person do you most admire?

KP: Eh...

SM: Which person thorughout any time in history do you most admire?

KP: Winston Churchill's pretty good

RG: Yeah, very good

KP: He was alright

SM: Why?

KP: Cause if it weren't for him, we'd be talking German, and i'm not that good at that

SM: Do you believe in capital punishment?

KP: Er...

RG: That's not in hitting Dr Fox over the head with a stick

KP: Depends, depends what its for

RG: Go on

KP: For something bad

RG: Well i assume it would be, they don't kill people now for parking illegally

KP: But what sort of thing are you talking about, what sort of punishment

SM: Capital punishment

KP: Yeah, i know, but what is that, what are you talking about

RG: Well... guillotine, hanging

KP: Er... hangings a bit bad

RG: Yeah can be fatal, can't it? What do you mean hanging's a bit bad? It's all bad! Why should the state kill someone?

KP: Because prison's getting a bit busy, aren't they?

RG: Brilliant

KP: What's the point in keeping people around?

RG: What's the point of killing them?

KP: Because its like 'that's done, what's next?' What can you do with someone if they're mental?

SM: Employ them on a radio show! --211.30.91.35 15:16, 10 April 2006 (BST)

4 Jun 2005 (Xfm: Ricky & Stephen 2005, Episode II)

The vast majority of this show is dedicated to Karl informing Ricky and Stephen why he does not wish to have a medical inspection, due to Karl's fear of the "finger up the arse" test.

18 Jun 2005 (Xfm: Ricky & Stephen 2005, Episode IV)

Classic episode from final XFM Season. Journalist Chris Campling believes Karl is a "creation" of Gervais and Merchant, prompting Steve to explain they wouldn't waste a character this good on a tin pot radio show. Karl and Ricky share telephone notes during a documentary entitled "The Strangest Village in Britian", where Christian caretakers live amidst mentally disabled residents. Karl then describes a late night train trip on a crammed train from Manchester. Karl finds the only open seat and it is across from a kid who has Downs Syndrome. Karl pretends to be asleep because "you know how they are, always talkin". When Ricky awakens Karl with a phone call Karl's seatmate makes the statement "your muscly." When his new friend asks why, Karl is stressed because he doesnt know why he is muscly. The seatamate then challenges Karl to a wrestling match which, fortunately for Karl, was ended early. In this episode Karl introduces a new character from his childhood, this one a woman who drove her husband around in the basket of a three wheeled bike. Later in the episode Karl suggests that the song "Pinball Wizard" is logically unsound due to the fact that the "Wizard" leads the life of a "tapeworm" as he has no sight or hearing. Karl points out that there was no point puting money into the pinball machine as he could have just hit the buttons and not known any better.

2 Jul 2005 (Xfm: Ricky & Stephen 2005, Episode VI)

Karl is annoyed because the show was cut short by Ricky having to rush off to introduce R.E.M. at Live8.