08 February 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 08 February 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

More Features Than Karl Has on His Face

Song: The Cardigans - For What It's Worth

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) Oooh, chilly weather, why not put on a cardigan?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) That was The Cardigans.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) And "For What It's Worth". A lovely tune there. (Normal Voice) Uhh--

Steve: Ohh, that's a joy.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: We should definitely talk like that more often.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. All right?

Karl: All right?

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: How's it going?

Ricky: Well, we got a jam-packed show today--

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: We got- we got- awww- we got so many feat- we got more features than Karl's got on his face--

Steve Laughs While Drinking

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Which is- which is about the same as Morph.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Very few. It's just- it's just really a head, innit? The little--

Steve: That's where I've seen him before!

Ricky: Morph!

Steve: On "Take Hart".

Ricky: (Laughing) Ye-yeah, yeah!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Umm, we've got, uhh, "Rockbusters". That's- that's--

Steve: (Disappointed) Have we?

Ricky: Still going strong.

Steve: Aw, you know my feelings on that but fair enough.

Ricky: No, but he's- he's gonna- he's said he's gonna, um, buck his ideas up. We've got "Oooh Chimpanzee That!" - Karl finds a- a- an amusing, uh, monkey or ape-related story. Umm, we've got, uhh, "Karl in a Film" again.

Steve: Right. Excellent. Yeah, we've got a lot of great response from that, Karl, on the internet and on the email--

Ricky: It was my favorite thing that we've done.

Steve: People raving about that.

Ricky: Umm, and--

Steve: So, what, uh- can we say what the film is that we--

Ricky: And 'scuse mah French, we've got some bloody great music.

Steve: (Laughs Slightly) Ahhh. P- pardonnez moo- moi... I don't know, I can't speak French--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I'm not a translator.

Ricky: Well, I'll just give you a taster: we've got Oasis, Cardigans which you've just heard there, we've got Lloyd Cole, we got a bit of Pretenders coming up, Eminem, Feeder, Coldplay, all the greats.

Steve: Can I play some Teenage Fan Club later, Rick?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What should we have now?

Pause

Karl: Oasis?

Ricky: Go on, then.

Karl: Yeah?

Karl Presses a button.

Steve: Brilliant.

Song: Oasis - Songbird

Michael Jackson's Hands

Ricky: Oasis and "Songbird". That's a nice little ditty.

Steve: It's all right, yeah.

Ricky: Of a Saturday.

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Steve: Yes. Thank you.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I- I think we should go straight into it, Karl. I think you should- we should, uh, do the competition, the- the, uh, "There's Karl in the Corner" or whatever.

Steve: It seems a little premature, don't you think?

Ricky: Do you reckon?

Steve: Yeah, I think so--

Ricky: Do you reckon- save it--

Steve: Yes! Exactly.

Ricky: We should- we should tease it out a little.

Steve: Well, it's a big- it's a big thing.

Ricky: It's just that I've got absolutely nothing to say. I've--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I haven't really--

Steve: Well, I mean, I- often you'll have spoken to Karl in the week. This week, for some reason I've been speaking to him.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Steve: I spoke briefly to him about Michael Jackson... and the documentary.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Now, of course I thought that was extraordinary--

Ricky: Amazing. Amazing piece of work.

Steve: And, uh, I asked Karl for his opinion.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he didn't mention to me, uh, the fact that Michael Jackson likes to climb up in trees--

Ricky: No.

Steve: He didn't mention anything about his bizarre relationship with children, he didn't mention anything about his obsessive billionaire spending sprees--

Ricky: Right.

Steve: He didn't spend- mention anything about the, uhh, mannequins he has in his thing or the fact that he drives around his- his, sort of, seven hotel suites in Las Vegas in a little, kind of, old people's scooter. The first- the only thing of note, for Karl, was- he said to me, "Did you notice how big his hands are?"

Ricky: I'll tell you what, though... I did.

Steve: WHAT- ya- how are you looking at- the man's got... like, a face that he's had reconst- well--

Ricky: I know.

Steve: I can't- seems so- that's libelous--

Ricky: Yeah, no, no, he hasn't.

Steve: But he's got an awful... face.

Ricky: He hasn't. Yeah, he's had two- he's had two nose jobs. Yeah.

Steve: And you're looking at his hands?!

Ricky: But I think it's because you look at him and he looks a bit like... it- it- there's a bit of androgyny there but it's, sort of, like a... it is quite a, um, petite, sort of, old lady's face, in a way. But then you see these (Laughing Slightly) laborer's hands come out. That's always the way with a tranny, innit? You know what I mean?

Steve: What you c- can't accuse him of being a tranny!!!

Ricky: No, he's not! No, I'm- no he's not a tran--

Steve: What are you saying?!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) No, I know, he's not.

Steve: He's got enough issues, now you're accusing him of being a tranny!

Ricky: I like him. I thought he came out of that brilliant. I- I thought he was really- I really felt sorry for him, ehm, and, uh- no, I think it- he cleared up a few things as far as I'm concerned. I thought it was a fascinating piece of work. But, umm, I- I did like the shopping spree, that was great.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: He was going around just pointing--

Steve: Because he's got such bad taste.

Ricky: I know, it was bad taste, wasn't it? It was like one of those bizarre shops--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know what I mean? Those anything- sort of, gift shop but they're trying to make it look like Ming.

Steve: But if he'd- yeah, if he'd--

Ricky: And sprayed gold.

Steve: If he'd been living in a trailer park he'd of been ordering, you know, one of those, uh, porcelain dolls dressed like a Harley-Davidson bike rider--

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: Or, you know, an Elvis commemorative plate.

Ricky: But--

Steve: It was, kind of, the billionaire equivalent of that.

Ricky: But the hands were a giveaway. It's the same as those, sort of--

Steve: What do you mean, "the hands were a giveaway"?! What--

Ricky: Transvestites--

Steve: What was it about his hands?! I didn't even see his hands.

Ricky: Well, you know when you get, like, a cab driver or sommat, right, and he- he decides to go- turn transsexual about 60 and he goes on "Kilroy"...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? It's that way. And he got a twin set and high heels and he goes, (Husky Voice) "I've never felt so comfortable." But his hands are still big, he's got a little wig and he's got the lipstick on and he's with his teenage kids who are going, "Kill me." But it's--

Steve: Do you think he's been having surgery on his hands to make them larger?

Ricky: Bigger- yeah I w--

Steve: Is that why he was wearing that glove through most of the '80s?

Ricky: Exactly. Because he's get- I think he wants to be a goalkeeper.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

Ricky: And they said, "You- you can't, Michael. You gotta have big hands."

Steve: It would help him climb the trees.

Ricky: It is- it is- (Laughs Slightly) yeah, yeah. And he can play tennis now without a racket.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: So, uhh--

Steve: So, what did you make of it, Karl? Were you intrigued?

Karl: Ehhm, the Michael Jackson thing?

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: It was- you know, it was all right but, umm... like, that got a load of attention in the press but the Tricia program got nothing.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Okay.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Which, uhh--

Ricky: What was that?

Karl: I know- like, Steve called me up in the week, right, uhh, like, 10 o'clock in the morning and I was at work--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And he goes, uhh, "You--"

Ricky: It was a big show at 10 o'clock- it was a big...

Steve: Preparing this show.

Ricky: Most people go to work about 8 or 9.

Karl: "Are you watchin' 'Tricia' and that?" I said, "No, what is it?" He goes, "Aw, you'll be lovin' it", right. Uhhmm--

Ricky: Freaks? Was it f-f- "Help Me, My Mum's a Freak"?

Karl: Mmm, Siamese twins.

Ricky and Karl: Right.

Karl: So, I couldn't watch it but he said, "Oh, it might be on again cuz they repeat stuff on ITV 2."

Ricky: Right.

Karl: So, I- I had me dinner late--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: Instead of having it at, like, 1 o'clock like I normally do--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I had it at, like, 2:30--

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Sat in the office, put the telly on, ITV2. Ehhm, these Siamese twins--

Steve: Did it blow your mind?

Karl: It was amazing... You know, we talk about a lot of things on the show quite a lot - the hairy kids crop up a lot.

Ricky Cackles

Ricky: (Laughing) I was waitin'! It's been 10 minutes and you haven't mentioned the hairy kid.

Karl: Right? And, uhh, last week we were talking about Siamese twins, weren't we?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, it was- it was weird that this program was on. But, it was amazing... I mean, what- what--

Steve: I think you can't refer to them as "Siamese twins" I think they're known as "conjoined twins".

Karl: Why?

Steve: I think- I think "Siamese" is maybe considered derogatory or as an old antiquated phrase.

Ricky: Yeah, I think it's cuz the first famous ones were actually from Siam.

Steve: Right, right. Anyway--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) And- and that doesn't exist anymore!

Karl: But s--

Steve: Conjoined, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Get the phrase right.

Karl: But you'd think that if that's happened to ya... that wouldn't be that, sort of, offensive. The names that you must get called...

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right. You think that's the least of your worries?

Karl: "Siamese twins" I'd say- well, that's... yeah, least of your worries.

Steve: Now, were you stunned by where--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: They were connected?

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) "Just live with it", you'd say. Ri--

Steve: Because they were connected, of course, at- at the forehead.

Ricky: Awww, C--

Steve: Sort of- which was quite- quite extraordinary.

Ricky: God. What if one had bad breath?

Steve: I d- that wasn't a question that Tricia asked.

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Steve Laughs

Steve: Annoyingly, cuz I know that much of the audience was thinking that.

Karl: There was- there was a few things that didn't crop up.

Ricky: (Laughing) Wha- what?

Steve: What questions would you of asked of them? Cuz- what things did you feel weren't mentioned?

Karl: Uhhmm...

Ricky: I'd love to just watch Karl watching amazing things!

Steve: Well, exactly. Exactly.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? It's like- like t- early learning.

Steve: Like, mouth slightly open- just a slight- slight--

Ricky: Yeah mouth open, slight dribble, (Gasps) looking 'round to see if anyone else has seen it.

Steve: Mmm!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) The way a cat sees a bird on the balcony.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) It can't believe its luck.

Karl: I'd probably say, "How do you buy her a- like, a birthday present?"

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: A surprise gift, yeah.

Ricky Claps

Karl: Cuz, everything's ruined.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Right? Umm, I'd probably ask, uhh--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well, did you not think it was interesting that one of them had a boyfriend?

Karl: Well, that was a bit weird, wasn't it?

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: But, uhhm, what was the other thing that I was thinking when I was watching it?... Was thinking if one got into crime and was sent to prison...

Steve: Right.

Karl: What would happen?

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: How would they handle that?

Ricky: (Laughing) It's brilliant! It is brilliant. If a chimp could talk...

Karl: And, uhh, what was the other one? The other thing was, uhhm, what do they talk about? Because it's not as if you can say, "Oooh, you'll never guess what I did today."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky and Steve Continue to Laugh

Karl: So...

Ricky and Steve Continue to Laugh

Song: The Pretenders - Brass in Pocket

We're Not Taking the Mickey

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) Ehhh, "Brass in Pocket" and if, uhhh, they're pretending to be good, they're doing a bloody good job of it.

Steve Giggles

Ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) I love them. That's Ricky Gervais on XFM 104.9. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl is still buzzing about these conjoined twins.

Karl: Nah, it's just--

Steve: One of them of course, had to be- because one of them was, sort of, shorter than the other and had to be, sort of, wheeled around on a kind of trolley... thing by--

Ricky: Oh, is this--

Steve: By the other- by the other--

Ricky: This isn't Molly and Dolly, is it?

Steve: No, they're not called- one's called Reba--

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: And I forget what the other one's called. Shena maybe or something like that.

Ricky: I--

Steve: Do you- do you remember Karl?

Karl: No, I wasn't that impressed with their names.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: It's just--

Steve: Yeah. So you immediately put them out of your mind.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: "Those are rubbish names! Daaaah, forget it, forget it. Karl, forget it!"

Ricky: Were they- w--

Steve: "(Zoom Sound) they're gone."

Ricky: Were they British or American?

Steve: American. Yeah, American.

Ricky: Alright cuz I saw sommat- I've seen some Americans on Jerry Springer.

Steve: Well, bizarrely, one of them was apparently a country music star...

Ricky: This is Molly and Dolly!

Steve: Well, they're not called Molly and Dolly!

Ricky: The one that joined at the oi- the one that joined--

Steve: But they're not- I think you've made up the "Molly and Dolly".

Ricky: No, it was on "Jerry Springer". There's a little one that sits on a seat and the other one carries it around- her around, (Laughs Slightly) uhh, and--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: They're not called Molly and Dolly.

Ricky: There was something like that.

Steve: They're called- well we know that one of them's called Reba and I forget the other name.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) And one of them's a country and western singer or sommat.

Steve: Yeah, and one of- but she was saying, "Yeah, I've just made a movie... It's coming out shortly in theaters."

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Ricky: "Is your sister in it?"

Steve: Yeah, and the other one said, "Oh, I'm not involved."

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I d- it- utterly bizarre. Cuz they- they live their- they work so hard to live their lives seperately--

Ricky: Yeah, they say it's a- exactly, of course, yeah.

Steve: It's all- you know, they try not to- so... so, she's talking about her music career and the other one's, sort of, not taking any, kind of, credit for it - which is nice, I suppose.

Karl: It's weird, though. Cuz when she was singing as well, the other one just stands there, she doesn't join in, she doesn't, sort of, dance--

Steve: Offer backing vocals.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Do you know what I mean? Make a group out of it.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: A duo?

Karl: Yeah, well... But it seems like we're, sort of, bein' horrible but we're not--

Ricky: No, we're not!

Karl: I mean, it's a really bad thing but--

Ricky: No- no, we- we're laughing at Karl's amazement--

Steve: Mm!

Ricky: At- at this phenomenon. Sorry, I- we- I just got to say that we're not- we're not, you know--

Karl: Do you know the--

Ricky: Taking the mickey.

Karl: The really weird thing about all this, right?

Ricky: What?

Karl: And it's annoying because you were saying about, you know, "Ooh, what should Tricia of asked?" and all that.

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: But one of 'em mentioned, ehhm, that one of 'em was adopted and the other one wasn't.

Ricky: Don't talk rubbish.

Steve Giggles

Karl: No, seriously... I didn't understand it, right--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Of course you didn't!

Karl: And then Tricia, sort of, said, "Well, let's have a chat-" and- and they were like, "No. Don't want to go into that."

Ricky: What do you mean "one was adopted and one wasn't"?

Karl: That's what they said. One of 'em...

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: I don't- don't quiz me on it but that- that's--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: What was- that's what was said.

Steve: "Hi there. I'm a--"

Steve Laughs

Steve: "Hello there. I'm a multi-millionaire--"

Ricky: "Oh, yeah."

Steve: "And I've- I've just seen your orphanage--"

Ricky: "Ah, yeah. It's lovely, isn't it?"

Steve: "And I'd like to adopt one of your children."

Ricky: "You'd like to adopt one?"

Steve: "I'd love to adopt children--"

Ricky: "Brilliant."

Steve: "Because I've got loads from around the world--"

Ricky: "Yeah."

Steve: "So I'd love to adopt one. I'll give you ten thousand towards your, uhh, your orphanage."

Ricky: "Oooh, well- well we'll speed it through, then. Yeah, yeah."

Steve: "Brilliant. Okay."

Ricky: "We've actually got two left. So--"

Steve: "I only need one." I'm only interested in one.

Ricky: "Right."

Steve: "Yeah, I don't need any more. Don't need any more."

Ricky: "Okay. They're sisters, they, uhh- they're--"

Steve: "I know it would be tragedy to break them up but I really only need one."

Ricky: "Well, 'break it up' - there's the... there's the rub, you see."

Steve: "Sure, sure."

Ricky: "Because, umm--"

Steve: "I just need the one. Here's ten thousand dollars now, you can have that, I'll sign it now, but I don't want to discuss it further."

Ricky: "Okay, I'll bring her 'round- I'll bring her 'round."

Steve: "Brilliant. Brilliant."

Ricky: "Okay." Ding Dong.

Steve: "Hi. Yeah, brilliant. You've brought my kid around."

Ricky: "Yeah, there she is, there."

Steve: "That's a joy."

Ricky: "Yeah. Yeah."

Steve: "Okay."

Ricky: "Just standing next to a bush."

Steve: "Yeah, do you wanna- can you bring her out toward me- it's like- so I--"

Ricky: "No, there's n- there's nothing behind the bush so just- you just want--"

Steve: "I just want- I wanna- I just wanna be able to walk 360 degrees around her."

Ricky: "Do you want her or not?"

Steve: "Yes I- I can't believe it!"

Ricky Laughs

Eminem - Sing for the Moment (Dream On) Begins To Play

Steve: "What's that little trolley!"

Ricky Claps

Steve: "She's talented!"

Ricky: Awwww, dear.

Steve: You're talking nonsense, Karl.

Karl: Well, whatever.

Ricky Laughs

Song: Eminem - Sing for the Moment (Dream On)

The Newest Quiz in Town

Song: Feeder - Just The Way I'm Feelin'

Ricky: Feeder... That's it: "Just The Way I'm Feelin'". XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. It's time for the- the newest quiz in town.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: This is where... Karl inserts himself into a seminal film. Last week, uhm, it was the little kid in "Sixth Sense", you remember, to, uh, great acclaim. The critics loved it, they said, "a triumph." Uhh, this week, he's fiddled with "The Graduate". Uhm, this is the scene where, of course, uh, uh, he goes upstairs to the hotel room and, um, he's, uh- it's- it's on the cards, she's a dead cert, Mrs. Robinson.

Karl in "The Graduate" Begins

Mrs. Robinson Exhales Loudly

Mrs. Robinson: Well!

Karl: There you go, then. So, uh, are you ready for it? I've, uhh, brought some condoms from home that, uh, Suzanne got for Christmas--

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin.

Karl: What?

Mrs. Robinson: Will you bring me a hanger?

Karl: A what?

Mrs. Robinson: A hanger.

Karl Exhales

Karl Walks to the Closet

Karl: I'll tell you what, I've, uhh- ... I've got wood.

Mrs. Robinson: What?

Karl: Just sayin' I've, uhh- I've got wood. I've got metal ones as well, what- what sort do you want?

Mrs. Robinson: Either one will be fine.

Karl: All right.

Karl Walks Back

Karl: There ya go.

Mrs. Robinson Hangs the Shirt

Mrs. Robinson: Are you afraid of me?

Karl: UHHHH, no. No, I've- I've seen weirder things than you. Uh, have I ever told you about the- the two lads I went to school with who had big heads? .... Webbed fingers as well, not related and, uhh, weren't mates. But, both had the same thing which was a bit- bit weird... Uhh, yeah, I di- I've never found out what was wrong with 'em.

Mrs. Robinson: Can I ask you a personal question?

Pause

Karl: As long as it's not about me head bein' round cuz Ricky's always going on about that... Sayin' I've got a round head.

Mrs. Robinson: Well you can admit that, can't you?

Karl: No, it's- it's- I'd say it's a normal, sort of, shape, it's just round.

Mrs. Robinson: It is, isn't it?

Karl: Yeah, but what- what do you mean? So is yours. Heads should be round.

Mrs. Robinson: It's nothing to be ashamed of!

Karl: I'm not ashamed, it's... just a normal shape!

Mrs. Robinson: Mmm hmm.

Karl: And you can talk - look at your saggy arse!

Simon and Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence Begins To Play

Karl: Anyway, get your knickers off.

Simon and Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence Fades Out

Karl in "The Graduate" Ends

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Aww, that was a joy.

Ricky: Oooh, dear. Ahhh.

Steve: It was an absolute treat. Now, I should say that obviously, uhh, the prize is a copy of "The Graduate". Now bear in mind that XFM is giving away these prizes...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Karl is so cheap, that he wouldn't even buy it on DVD. He's bought it for 6.99 on VHS, it'll be panned and scanned, it won't be widescreen, there's none of the extra features that you get on the DVD. That's how cheap he is!

Ricky: Ohh, look at Karl's face! He's gutted!

Steve: Karl, did you pocket the rest of the cash?

Karl: No, no, I have to use me own money to buy these, right--

Steve: What, you're using your own money to give this stuff away?

Karl: Yeah. So I had to go and buy that.

Steve: XFM is so cheap! I'm stunned!

Ricky: I know. I know.

Karl: Right, and, uhh, it's not worth havin' it on DVD, is it?

Steve: Well, why not?

Karl: Cuz it's- it's an old film, so--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: So the quality is- is set, do you know what I mean? They can't really tidy it up.

Ricky: (Laughing) Of course they can! They do it from a print, they don't do it from the video. They don't get- they don't get the video and go, "Let's make it into a DVD".

Steve: Yeah, an old Betamax copy--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: That someone had knockin' about.

Karl: Welll...

Steve: Well anyway, you can--

Karl: It's the same film though, innit?

Steve: Fine, okay, well you're right, yeah.

Ricky: It is the same film, yeah.

Steve: Well anyway, you can win, uh, 6.99's worth of "The Graduate"--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: The question- and it's email only: ste- uh, ste? It's not Steve, it's [email protected]. The question is: "Name the actor that Karl, uh, was taking the place of in the film and, of course, the actress that he's performing opposite." [email protected].

Ricky: Lovely.

Karl: Do you wanna play something from the...

Ricky: I would love to.

Steve: It would seem appropriate.

Karl: Yeah?

Song: Simon and Garfunkel - Sound of Silence