08 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 08 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I Never Take That Hour and a Half Off

Song: U2 - Beautiful Day

Ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.

Steve: Hello there.

Ricky: And Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Hello, boys.

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--

Steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And need to go and lie down--

Ricky: But I am my own boss.

Steve: With a cold compress--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--

Steve: And a Swedish masseuse.

Ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.

Steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.

Steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

Ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.

Steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?

Claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--

Steve: Uh huh.

Claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Poorly.

Claire: And a bit croaky--

Ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--

Claire: He coughed a bit.

Ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.

Steve: To of missed this show.

Ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.

Claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--

Ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".

Steve: Yeah.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Shall we?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...

Steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"

Claire Exhales in Awe

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "The human monkey".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--

Ricky: And it wasn't.

Steve: And it wasn't brilliant.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: It was- I've--

Steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.

Ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.

Claire Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?

Steve: Evans will have you there.

Claire: Should we just play some music now?

Ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.

Claire: Okay.

Steve: Aww.

Claire: I'll get back to you on that.

Ricky: Yeah, that's...

Song: Coldplay - Clocks