15 February 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 15 February 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

They Need A War

Ricky: White Stripes, “Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We have got a great show lined up for you.

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: Today it’s just, uh, yeah. Valentine’s Day weekend. Some love songs.

Steve: Ooh.

Ricky: We got some chat and, of course, the competitions. I’ll tell ya what; I was walking here today and the West End is crammed. There’s helicopters, there’s police, there’s about a million people, sort of, just milling ‘round. Standing around with placards and stuff. I don’t know what they’re doing, but they got too much time on their hands. They-they need a war!

Steve: You don’t read the newspapers, do you?

Ricky: Boring.

Song: Guns N’ Roses- Sweet Child ‘o Mine

OK, Stop Eating Karl, You've Ate All The Food, That's The Plate

Ricky: Ooh, those boys can rock there. That’s the guns with all their roses and “Sweet Child of Mine.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Oh.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9.

Steve: I enjoyed that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was good.

Ricky: It rocks.

Steve: I hope, I hope the audience was playing it loud like us.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uhh, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Well- look at him yawning! How rude is that?

Steve: Karl, what’s wrong with you, man? Have you been up late?

Karl: Little bit.

Steve: Ha! Girlfriend was away, wasn’t she, yesterday?

Karl: Yeah, I always have a problem with that. I always- I- cause you don’t go to bed, do you, early? D’you know what I mean? You sort of think--

Steve: What?

Karl: I just always find that thing that if, you know, you’re used to living with someone--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: One of you will go, “Let’s go to bed, then.” You’ll go, “Alright.” Um… but when you’re on your own you go, “Ohh--”

Steve: You just forget to go to bed?

Karl: I just stay up.

Ricky: “Okay, stop-stop eating now, Karl. You’ve et all the food. That’s just the plate.” “Oh, right. Okay.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, I just- I stayed up and watched, um… there was a thing on about Dracula.

Steve: Right. What, “Dracula?”

Karl: And I found a flaw in it.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Not-not the fact that he’s the living dead and is--

Karl: No.

Ricky: And drinks blood to stay alive and he doesn’t reflect--

Steve: And he turns into a bat.

Ricky: And you can- go on.

Karl: The mirror thing, he can’t look in mirrors… can he?

Steve: Well, he can look in mirrors but he can’t see himself in a mirror.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Alright, well that still doesn’t work.

Steve: Okay. Go on.

Ricky: It doesn’t work at all, Karl. It doesn’t work anyway.

Steve: No, well…

Karl: Centre-parting’s always really neat.

Steve: His centre-parting’s always really neat?

Ricky: How does he do it if he can’t look in the mirror?

Ricky laughs

Karl: “B-Blood on the Floor” or something it was called. Rubbish.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I love the flaw in the Dracula film was that his centre-parting’s too neat. How did he do it without a mirror? Ohh.

Steve: Was it a documentary about Dracula?

Karl: No--

Ricky: The real Dracula, the real Dracula that--

Steve: Yeah, the real Dracula. The true story.

Karl: It was just a film. It had- “Blood on the Floor” or something, it was called.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: From 1970.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right. But you stayed up and watched that?

Ricky: You know there aren’t really vampires in that sense?

Karl: Yeah.

Karl sighs

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: But it still annoys ya that his centre-parting was too neat.

Karl: Well, if you’re gonna do it, d’you know what I mean?

Ricky: I’d like to see him with a fringe sort of pushed forward.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: And maybe a hood up. “Alright? I come to suck your blood an’ that, alright? Eh..”

Steve: Just bits of tissue paper all over his face.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Where he's cut himself shaving.

Ricky: “Oh, oh, I can’t see. Bloody mirror’s annoyin’ me now, innit?” I’d love to see that. A little Manc Drac. That would be great, wouldn’t it?

Karl: Well, that-that might be a film that we do in, uh, our movie--

Ricky: Mancula!

Karl: Just-just getting on to that.

Ricky: Mancula! Count Mancula.

Steve laughs

Ricky: “Alright? ‘Ave you got any rave? ’Ave you got any rave music? Ah? Got any Oasis an’ that?” That’d be brilliant.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: (dramatically) “He came from Manchester. Please welcome, Mancula.” “Alright?” That would be great, wouldn’t it? His hair’s a mess. “Well, I can’t see a mirror, can I?” Well, we’ve got a show lined up for you. Um, sad news for Rockbusters fans. It is going to be the last Rockbusters.

Steve: Does that mean that we are doing another one and it’s the last one or--

Ricky: We are doing another one and it’s the last one.

Steve: Ohh, man.

Karl: But it’s a special one, Steve.

Steve: Have you?

Karl: Um, it’s just, sort of--

Steve: What, it makes sense?

Ricky laughs

Steve: First time only?

Karl: No. It’s-it’s, uh, it’s done on accents, cause I’m running out of, like, clues, an’ that to use.

Ricky: Oh, is this bit good as the Jamaican one, uh, “De Trout Spinners?”

Steve: (laughing) “De Trout Spinners!”

Ricky: That doesn’t work at all.

Karl: A bit like that.

Steve: Okay, so go on. What’s-what’s the gist of this one?

Karl: Well, it’s just, um, I’ve binned the sound effects bit. That-that didn’t really work out. So there’s three, sort of, cryptic clues.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah. Sort of cryptic, yeah.

Karl: And it’s done on, uh, it’s done on accents. And I’ve sort of worked down the country, so I’ve got a Northern one.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: I’ve got a Brummie one and I’ve got a, uh, Cockney one.

Ricky: Excellent.

Steve: Alright. Looking forward to that. We’ve got quite a lot of competitions, haven’t we, cause we’ve also got your film competition.

Ricky: He’s, uh, he’s appearing in “The Shining” this week, Steve.

Steve: Excellent. Okay.

Ricky: Um, we’ve also got, “Ooh, Chimpanzee That! More Monkey News From Around the World.”

Steve: (Laughing) “Monkey News.”

Ricky: Uhh…

Steve: Stay tuned for that!

Ricky: But there’s one that I thought we could phase in as we phased out Rockbusters. It’s an old favourite. Karl, it was before your time. XFamily Fortunes.

Steve: XFamily Fortunes. It’s brilliant.

Ricky: Get on the line.

Steve: Is nothing to TV “Family Fortunes.”

Ricky: No, it’s XFamily Fortunes.

Steve: You can’t get him on that.

Ricky: So we’ll be playing that a little bit later, as well, with two lucky, um, people that call up and we’ll be giving away some great prizes I imagine, Steve.

Steve: Excellent. Yeah.

Ricky: Go through those a little bit later.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, as it was Valentine’s Day weekend, what about, uh, a lovely song by Lloyd Cole?

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: “Like Lovers Do.”

Steve: I’d love to hear it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Song: Lloyd Cole- Like Lovers Do

It's A Bit Of A Monkey Bonus

Ricky: Lloyd Cole, “Like Lovers Do” on XFM 104.9.

Steve: Is that for all the lovers out there?

Ricky: Yeah. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and little Karl Pilkington. Oh, we’re having a laugh, aren’t we? Little Karl with his sandwich an’ that.

Steve: ‘Ey, he’s chewed it up, hasn’t he?

Ricky: Ohh, having a- orghh. I’m still bruised where you punched me in the shoulder showing that you could box.

Steve: Yeah, to be fair, though, Rick, you do think that you’re now a professional boxer cause you’ve been on the telly.

Ricky: I’m like Rocky Marciano. Yeah.

Steve: No, he does. I mean, he laughs about it, but he does walk around thinking, “Yeah, I could probably handle myself in a street brawl.”

Ricky: In fact, I walk around handling myself.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: A lot of the time. Don’t I, Karl? Um--

Steve: And often Karl.

Ricky: Yeah! Yeah. Aw, I lo- cause he’s got his little round head, I’ve got another mate who’s got a little bald head and I like to squeeze it.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: To see how far- d’you know what I mean? Like an egg. It- you can squeeze it that way, sort of sideways and that hurts, but then squeeze it forward to back; it doesn’t hurt so much, does it?

Steve: Do you know what worries me is I think if you ever actually did crack Karl’s head, I think yolk would come out.

Ricky: (giggling) Yeah, I know! I do- he was forward, drawing, and I gave him a little karate chop on the back of the head and he jumped! He spasmed!

Steve: Sorry, you gave him a karate chop on the back of the head?

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: To be fair, though, I think I’d spasm, Rick.

Ricky laughs

Steve: If a man crept up behind me and karate chopped me in the neck. That’s probably a natural reaction.

Ricky: Didn’t I laugh? Eh, Karl?

Karl: Yeah, had a right good laugh.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh. So we’ve got lots of, uh, little things to get through. Look at his little face! You alright? We had a little lunch yesterday, didn’t we?

Steve: We did, indeed. That was a nightmare.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I hate going out with you two.

Ricky: I was explaining to Karl, right? I-I like to excite Karl’s imagination, alright? And, uh, um, if it involves chimps or monkeys, all the better. Um, brains he likes. Parts of the body. Deformity. You know, I kno- I know where to, you know, what buttons to push and, um, I told him about this thing- I don’t know if, uh, uh, any of you out there, um, know about this, um, but the-there’s an experiment that they did in the fifties, um, a clinical psychology experiment where a- your two hemispheres of the brain, okay? They’re joined by a thing called the corpus callosum, right? Which is just a little flap of skin, like a little scart lead that joins your two hemispheres. And what they did- they cut that in half and they thought it was a cure for schizophrenia, but what it turned out to be- or epilepsy, I think. I can’t remember. Um, uh, was that your two side of your brains didn’t function together. You couldn’t get information. I was telling Karl all this thing, right. One of the things I told him was that they did it on a monkey and it fought itself over a nut. Like, it’s right arm was connected, you know, by it’s left lobe of the brain and it was fighting over itself. And Karl went, instead of, like, thinking this is amazing, the experiment, he went, “Would it, would it have been happy if you’d given it two nuts?”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Yeah, I know. You started off by explaining it and I remember you mentioned- I- cause I was watching the two of you as you were describing it to him. You said, “Of course, one side of the brain deals with, uh, symbolism.“ And as you said the word “symbolism,” I noticed Karl drift away from looking at you--

Ricky softly laughs

Steve: Pick up his mobile phone and start pressing buttons randomly.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I'd-I thought, “It was the word ‘symbolism’ that got him” and I noticed- you took a moment longer and I think the first thing you said was, “When did I lose you?”

Ricky: Yeah. I knew I’d lost him.

Steve: It is extraordinary and he doesn’t even try to disguise it!

Ricky: I think I said “nomenclature” at one point, as well.

Steve: Right, yeah

Ricky: And I-I knew I was dicing with death, there.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, um, you tried to look it up, didn’t you, on the, on the web. You didn’t find anything about it, did ya?

Karl: Yeah, the spelling, the spelling of it’s- what is it, again? What’s the word?

Ricky: Corpus callosum.

Karl: Yeahh. I couldn’t put- couldn’t do it. Couldn’t--

Ricky: No. There’s no point. Don’t bother.

Steve: Give up.

Ricky: Don’t bother.

Steve: Give up.

Ricky: Um, so if anyone knows any interesting facts about that, that, uh--

Steve: I don’t suppose- yours hasn’t been cut in half, has it, Karl? That would, again, might explain something.

Karl: I’ll tell ya what we will be talking about later. I don’t know if you‘re-you-you’re sort of aware of them, Steve.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Bonobos.

Ricky: Ohh, I told him--

Steve: I don’t know much about Bonobos.

Ricky: I told him about, um- he was looking for stuff. I said, “Put in ‘Bonobos.’” He was having no luck with “Chimp.” Um, and they’re, uh, they’re -they’re a form of Chimpanzee, but, um, they-they’re even closer to us, evolutionary speaking. They’ve got- they’re social, um, groups are more like ours. They’re-they’re more intelligent and he was loving it, weren’t ya?

Steve: So is it, is it, Human, Bonobo, Karl?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is how it works on the evolutionary ladder.

Ricky: Chimp, Karl.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Karl: So we're talking about 'em.

Steve: So we’re talking about Bonobos. You’re excited about that.

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Is that coming up in, uh, Monkey News?

Karl: Um, no. I think it’s a bit of a Monkey Bonus.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Oh, we always like a Monkey Bonus.

Ricky: Monkey Bonobus.

Song: WC featuring Snoop Dogg- The Streets

I'm Not Annoying Karl, So Why Are You?

Ricky: WC featuring Snoop, “The Streets” on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I think we should, uh, kick off with a bit of a competition. I think we should get the…the listeners involved, here.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: Phone up if you want to play XFamily Fortunes.

Steve: Now a lot of people, of course, won't be familiar with this because we played this in the very early days of XFM.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Um, do you want to explain the rules or do you just want people to phone in and--

Ricky: It’s like “Family Fortunes.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: We read trivia. Uh, I ask you--

Steve: Do you remember we discussed this before; you can’t say that?

Ricky: Yeah. Um, and so get two on the line. You-you’re competing against each other and so it’s fingers on the buzzers. Um- will you stop chewing, picking your teeth? I-it’s- I mean, even if the listeners can’t hear it, it really annoys me.

Steve: It is a bit like having a chimp in the room.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean, Karl?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Have you ever seen him heat- eat hot food?

Steve: No.

Ricky: Honestly, it is like a chimp.

Ricky smacks his lips and slurps like a chimp

Steve laughs

Ricky: “And what ya doing?” “What?”

Ricky slurps

Ricky: Just ge- oh.

Steve laughs

Ricky: God.

Steve: Or like the Cookie Monster.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. Ohh. I’m never annoying, Karl, so why are you?

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Do you know what I mean, Steve?

Steve: You are so annoying. I’ll tell- have you been with him- trying to go, trying to have lunch with Ricky?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: It’s the hardest thing possible. You wander around for hours. Comb- it’s a combination that used to be bad, even before he was a celebrity because he has this- a tolerance level I- it’s extraordinary. I mean, he is irritated by a car honking it’s horn in the street.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s, “Oh, I can’t believe it! Let’s go in here. I-I’m so angry. Orghh.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: It- he-he gets annoyed by police sirens, by rain, wind.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Birds in the air. Other people in the streets.

Ricky: They’re the most annoying.

Steve: Children, particularly, whether they’re in a school playground we happen to be walking past.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Whether they’re on TV.

Ricky: It’s just noise that isn’t mine.

Steve: Well, I know, but this is the thing! You are the most irritating man I’ve ever met without a shadow of a doubt.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I mean, you know that, Karl, don’t you? Noises he makes, um. It’s extraordinary. I mean, I’ve been, I’ve been while- I’ve been editing some behind the scenes footage we shot of, uh, making the second series of “The Office.” It’s extraordinary. I’ve had to cut sequences out involving Ricky cause they’ll just think he’s a gimmick, just think he’s an idiot, like some kind of puppet that the rest of us are controlling because he’s shouting, he’s whistling, he’s honking, he’s making noises, he’s dancing around. It’s extraordinary and if you’re out trying to find somewhere to eat with him all these irritants, all these annoyances and it’s, “Oh, that music’s too loud. I don’t like that particular song, I’m not going in there. There’s more than eight people in that café, I’m not going in there.” It’s just extraordinary. I think we need a woman- I’m thinking of hiring a woman, like a PA, to just go out ahead of us. Scout ahead of us. Go in- and you know, she can just sound back--

Ricky: Ooh, sexist.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Oooooh.

Steve: Or a guy.

Ricky: Ooh, that’s--

Steve: Or a fella.

Ricky: Oooooh, sexist.

Steve: Or a fella. Just to scout ahead--

Ricky: Ooh.

Steve: Phone back--

Ricky: Thinking of hiring a woman, subservient role. He couldn’t hire- oh no. Ooh. Sexist.

Steve: Well, that or a chance to meet a woman.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That I’m also paying.

Ricky: It’s like, it’s like paying for it.

Steve: (laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: Slightly more above board.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So if you want to play Family Fortunes call up- what’s the number?

Karl: 08700 800 1234

Ricky: Yeah, it’s just like Family Fortunes. Trivia, we’re competing for some great prizes and, uh, I go, um, “Something you’d--” You know how it goes.

Steve: Ha!

Ricky: And then you go, “Buzz” and-and uh--

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a- I’m bored.

Steve: It’s not as high-tech as Family Fortunes.

Ricky laughs

Song: Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds- Bring It On

XFamily Fortunes...Smelly Eyebrows

Steve: Current single from Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds and that’s “Bring It On.”

Ricky: Yeah. On XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington and two people on the line to play XFamily Fortunes.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: Hello.

Karl: Steve first.

Steve: Hello.

Ricky: Steve, hello.

Steve: Steve first? Hello, how you doing?

Ricky: You alright, mate? Where you calling from?

Steve: Uh, from my pub in Barnes.

Ricky: You got a pub?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: In Barnes?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Are you posh?

Steve: No.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I suppose that you’re the-the local landlord that they- do they come in and, sort of, like, go, “Good man. There’s a, there’s a shilling. Get me some ale”? They’re all posh in Barnes, aren’t they?

Steve: Well, no, not all of them, actually.

Ricky: Does Nigel Havers come in your pub, cause he lives there, doesn’t he?

Steve: Well, none of them do, actually. I know there’s lots of ‘em that about, aren’t there, at Barnes, but, um…but no, not in--

Ricky: Banned ‘em. You’ve banned ‘em. Who-who’s on the other line?

Karl: It’s, uh, Jennifer.

Ricky: Jennifer, hello.

Jennifer: Hello.

Ricky: Where are you calling from?

Jennifer: I’m calling from Forrest Hill.

Ricky: Forrest Hill. That’s right south, innit? I don’t go out of WC 1.

Jennifer laughs

Jennifer: You should.

Steve: Do you own a pub?

Jennifer: Do I own a pub? No.

Steve: Do you drink in one?

Jennifer: Yes.

Steve: That’s as good.

Jennifer laughs

Ricky: Just-just-just some friendly chat, there.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: I think--

Jennifer: Just bring the brain that you were talking about before.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Jennifer: I can’t remember what it’s called, but they did an experiment and apparently the links of it determine whether you’re a straight or gay.

Ricky: Is that right?

Jennifer: That’s what I heard. Yeah.

Ricky: Well--

Karl: So, what; you could actually trim it if you fancied--

Ricky, Steve and Jennifer laugh

Jennifer: Didn’t go that far.

Ricky: Ohh.

Karl: Always--

Ricky: You-you-you’ve just interacted with Karl Pilkington.

Jennifer: Oh my God.

Ricky: I-I’d treasure that. Right, here’s the prizes.

Steve: Okay, now, um, listen. Don’t be disappointed because, as ever, Karl has just gone through some people’s drawers here at XFM and found some really quite shoddy prizes. So, um, you get (laughs) on DVD- I don’t know if you’re a fan of- is it- are they a German band? Rammschtien. Or Rammstein.

Ricky: Rammstein. Oh, you’ll enjoy that.

Steve: But there’s, uh, any number- (laughs) that includes, “Asche zu Asche”, “Spien mit mir” and “Herzeleid.” That’s just some of the classics on this, uh, DVD of their-their greatest videos. Uh, “Red Dwarf,” uh, the first series--

Ricky: Do you think Germans sit around looking at Oasis records and going, “Look at these! ‘Wonderwall!’ Ha ha ha ha!”

Steve: Possibly so.

Ricky: Well--

Steve: Um, “Best- The Very Best of The Stone Roses.” Um, although I might have that, so anyway. Uh, there’s also an “I Love You” compilation, kind of appropriate and, um, a tribute to The Ramones, which is quite interesting.

Ricky: So-so you can get the idea, um, Steve and Jennifer, the stakes are pretty high.

Both Steves chuckle

Ricky: Okay, here we go. XFamily Fortunes. So fingers on the buzzers. Just both go, “Waaah” if you think you can answer this right and then we, uh, the-the highest answer, or the top answer, gets the chance to play or pass. If you play, you’ve got to get all five answers. There are five answers. Um, every wrong answer, you get a life and I go, “Pbbt pbbt” and when you get three- when you lose three lifelines then the other person can steal. It’s as simple as that.

Steve: If you’ve seen the show “Family Fortunes”--

Ricky: No, this a new- this is not based on anything I’ve ever seen ever in my life. Okay. Right. Okay, fingers on the buzzers. Okay? Name something- we asked eight of my mates, alright? Something you associate with Karl Pilkington.

Jennifer: Waah!

Ricky: Okay, Jennifer. What?

Jennifer: Sillyness.

Ricky: Yep. That’s the top answer, thick or dimness.

Karl: Hang on--

Ricky: Do you want to play or pass?

Jennifer: Play, please.

Ricky: Okay, okay. Stay-stay tuned, Steven, cause you might be able to steal if she gets three wrong. (laughing) Okay?

Steve: Alright.

Ricky: Right, okay? Right, we got a top answer, four to go. Thick or dimness is top answer, obviously. Okay, Jennifer. Some other things associated with Karl.

Jennifer: Comedy.

Ricky: You’d think so, wouldn’t ya? Pbbt pbbt. No.

Jennifer: No, I don’t even know who he is. Um…

Steve: You don’t even know who he is?

Jennifer laughs

Ricky: No, she does. She must--

Steve: And yet bizarrely, she knows that silliness or stupidity as an answer.

Jennifer: I know!

Ricky: Yeah, c’mon. Summat else.

Jennifer: Um…erm…smelly eyebrows.

Ricky: Pbbt pbbt.

Jennifer laughs

Ricky: One more wrong answer and then Steven gets a chance to steal.

Jennifer: Okay. Um, ahh…I don’t know! Um…

Ricky: People are screaming it at home.

Jennifer: Very sensible.

Ricky: Pbbt pbbt. Aww--

Steve: What was that, very sensible?

Ricky: Sorry. Yeah. Okay, Steven, can you think of one of the answers that Jennifer didn’t get?

Steve: Uh, must be a mind for inane nonsense.

Ricky: Oh, well, I’m gonna give you that cause number five is “even thicker.” So--

Steve laughs

Ricky: Yeah, what you missed is, um- our top answer was “thick or dim.” Second top answer was “Manchester.” Third was “round head.” Fourth was “hairy Chinese kid” and five was “even thicker.” Um, so, I-I think Steve is the winner there.

Steve: Yeah, I think he’s done well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, you enjoy, uh, Rammstein and you get The Stone Roses and an “I Love You” CD.

Ricky: So that’s the, that’s the pilot for this show, okay? When Blockbuster’s all over, this- we’re going to phase in XFamily Fortunes. Karl, thoughts?

Karl: It’s not that good, is it?

Ricky: Why?

Karl: It’s not, it’s not that good. Just…

Steve: Ha!

Karl: I-I’m-I’m not that happy with it.

Ricky: Why!?

Karl: Why?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I’m just… what else? What-wha-….now--

Steve: You’re definitely right about that top answer.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well, thanks, uh- Right, um, so Steven wins all those prizes.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Ohh.

Steve: Stay on the line and we’ll take your address.

Ricky: And we’ll send something to Jennifer as well for even bothering…to talk to Karl. So--

Song: Born Again- Badly Drawn Boy

Ricky: What’s this, Karl? What are you playing now?

Karl: A bit of Badly Drawn Boy.

Ricky: Yeah, excellent. Bye!

Karl: Are we doing, are we doing Rockbusters, then?

Ricky: Later.

Ricky: Eminem, “Sing for the Moment” on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Right, Karl, moving on. Got a lot to cram in. If you yawn again or pick your teeth or chew, I…oh, God.

Steve: Can I just- you know sometimes I get told off by Karl. He gets a little bit sulky if I slag off the prizes that he sources for each competition. Uh, this is from Rob in Croydon. He’s a former winner of Rockbusters--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, he said he didn’t even know what the prizes were going to be when he entered. Uh, he won and sure enough for one night only he was a hero. The following morning, uh, “it was just Rob again and all I had to show for my triumph are five compilation CDs I’ll never listen to.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: “And two DVDs I’ll perhaps get nine pounds for on eBay. Please get some decent prizes. Ricky, you’re BBC’s golden child of comedy. What are you doing? How many of your listeners really are into Stephen Poliakoff’s ‘The Lost Prince’? No one, that’s how many." There, that is a winner. That’s someone who has got a reason to like us--

Ricky: Karl.

Steve: And like you.

Ricky: I think he’s got the same attitude as Steve when you give him something for free.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah. Sorted you out with N.E.R.D. tickets for last night. Lot of messing around, lot of phoning around going on to get you them tickets.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Come in today. “You enjoy the gig?” “Couldn’t be bothered going, Karl.”

Ricky: Yeah. Typical.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: I didn’t say I couldn’t be bothered going, Karl. You just persum-presume-assumed that that was the case. You’re right, but--

Karl: Well.

Steve: The point is this, Karl; once you’ve given me the tickets, they are mine to do with what I see fit.

Karl: The thing is- what annoys me is, right--

Ricky quietly giggles

Karl: I bet he hasn’t even listened to them CDs. He might find some--

Ricky: No, that-that’s his point, I think.

Karl: Yeah, yeah--

Ricky: To be fair.

Karl: But I don’t want to give ‘em stuff that’s too good, cause then they’ll listen to CDs instead of XFM.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Of course. There’s always careful planning.

Karl: So.

Ricky: You’ve always got an answer. Ohh, Karl. You’re my hero. We-we don’t care, do we, Karl?

Karl: Well, I-I’m- I-I’m- I think prizes are alright considering what they’ve got to do.

Steve: Ha!

Karl: You know what I mean?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: It’s just a bit of fun, for God sake.

Steve laughs

Karl: So, uh--

Ricky: Please do not blaspheme on air.

Karl: Something, uh--

Steve chuckles

Karl: Something else we’re giving away.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Um, “The Shining.”

Ricky: It’s more throwing away, innit?

Steve: Once again--

Ricky: On video?

Steve: Once again, it’s on VHS.

Ricky: Just cause you buy it out of your own money, Karl, stop being so mean!

Karl: I’ll might want to watch it tonight, cause it’s one of those films that, um--

Steve: (laughing) So you’re-you’re going to watch this video and then you’re going to send it to someone as a prize.

Karl: Yeah, it’s one of those films that--

Ricky: Sorry, you just said yes to that without blinking.

Karl: Well, yeah. You don’t think, like, Les Dennis doesn’t have a quick go in the car on “Family Fortunes“ before he gives it away?

Ricky laughs

Steve: It costs five ninety-nine.

Ricky: -has a go at those his and her towel racks.

Steve: It costs five ninety-nine, Karl.

Ricky: Okay. This is, uh, Karl, uh, in-in the classic, “The Shining.”

Karl: And what’s the question?

Ricky: Well, we might ask that afterwards.

Karl: Okay, then.

Karl in “The Shining” begins

Karl: Alright?

Jack Torrance: Hi.

Karl: Still, uh…still trying to write the, uh, the book then? Yeah?

Jack Torrance: Yes.

Karl: Good. Funny, someone told me the other day a weird thing about a typewriter. The top row of letters, the longest word you can write is typewriter. I’ll just show ya. Just--

Sound of typewriter keys being pressed

Karl: That’s weird, innit? It’s just- the typewriter being- you’re not in the mood, are ya? You’re in one of those grouchy moods again that you get into when you’re writing.

Jack Torrance: I’m not being grouchy. I just want to finish my work.

Karl: Yeah, yeah. Just-just being a bit funny. A bit off-hand an’ that.

Jack Torrance clears his throat

Jack Torrance: Let me explain something to you.

Karl: Go on.

Jack Torrance: Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you’re breaking my concentration. You’re distracting me. And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. Understand?

Karl: Yeah, but I just was coming in trying to cheer you up, you know if you… I mean, I-I’m full of ideas as well. You know, if you’re having a problem coming up with stuff, got loads of stuff. Loads of ideas you could write about. The other day I read about this hairy Chinese kid.

Jack Torrance: What do you want me to do about it?

Karl: No, it’s just that it-it could make a good book. D’you know what I mean? Sort of follow him ‘round. Uh--

Jack Torrance: That’s swell.

Karl: Well, I’d buy it. You know? But if you don’t want to know…we’ll have to- don’t bother doing it. But do you know what I mean? It’s just a hairy Chinese kid. It’s-it’s weird because they’re not normally that hairy over there. Yet this kid; caked in it. But if you don’t care--

Jack Torrance: I wouldn’t touch one hair on his Goddamned little head.

Karl: You wouldn’t have to touch any hair on his head. Like I say, he’s covered. Leave the head alone if you want. Touch his hands. He’s totally covered in it, but it-it--

Jack Torrance: I love the little son of a bitch.

Karl: Well, don’t go that far. You haven’t met him, but I could sort it out--

Jack Torrance: I’d do anything for him.

Karl: I don’t think he’d expect that much. Just take him to the barbers three or four times a week. You know, he’s a good-good little kid. In fact, I’ll do it. I think I’ll write a book on him. Yeah?

Jack Torrance: Do you think you can handle that?

Karl: Yeah.

Jack Torrance: You’re not too busy are you?

Karl: Well, yeah, I’m pretty busy. I’ve got to sort out some, uh, some monkey facts for the show this Saturday, but I reckon I can still--

Jack Torrance: Why don’t you start right now and get out of here?

Karl: Alright. I will if you’re gonna be like that. Couldn’t borrow a pen, could I? See ya later.

Sound of footsteps walking away

Clip ends

Steve: There you go.

Ricky: Haunting. Haunting stuff, there. Karl Pilkington in “The Shining.”

Steve: You know in the film Jack Nicholson goes crazy because the suggestion is he’s maybe possessed by demons that maybe, uh, are in the, in the hotel. But, you know, if I was stranded in a desolate hotel, removed from all human contact with Karl, I’d go mental with an axe.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Without being possessed by demons.

Ricky continues to laugh

Steve: That’s more chilling to me, trying to get some work done and you keep wandering in.

Ricky: I’m trying to get Karl to spend a couple days in a caravan with me.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Just for the hell of it and he-he’s- he won’t. I’ve offered him money, won’t I? I think it‘d be a great laugh, won’t it, Karl?

Karl: Oh yeah. Great.

Steve: That would be terrifying!

Ricky: No, I want to film it. I--

Steve: The two of you--

Ricky: Like a little video diary. “There’s Karl there. He’s just waking up.”

Karl: Well--

Steve: If I was stranded, that would be like being- I may as well be with Freddy Krueger--

Ricky laughs

Steve: That’s-that’s more scary.

Karl: The thing is--

Steve: The two of you.

Karl: Ricky doesn’t mess you about as much as he messes me about.

Steve: No, well you see, you’ve given him an inch. You’ve given him an inch and he’s taken a yard.

Karl: Twelve-thirty he got in today. In, uh, thirty minutes between twelve-thirty and one, the old bin lid on the head. He wanted to do that again.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uh…

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: Squeezing me head think he had a go at. And, uh, karate chop on the back of the neck.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: All in thirty minutes.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Who else can say that?

Ricky: (laughing) “Who else can say that!? Who else can say--” What do you mean?

Karl: Ohh. Anyway, have we got a question?

Steve: Yeah, to win a copy of, (laughs) I’m so embarrassed to say it, “The Shining”--

Ricky: On VHS!

Steve: On VHS. It’s worth five ninety-nine and it will have already been watched by Karl Pilkington. Probably not even rewound.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: To win that--

Ricky: And-and a little bit of tripe and cowheels where it just slipped into his dinner.

Steve laughs

Ricky: A balm cake on the side.

Steve: As he was reading the back of the box, trying to figure out what was going on.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ingredients.

Steve: Um--

Karl: For all this, right--

Steve: To- ohh.

Karl: Here’s a question.

Steve: I’ve got a question.

Ricky: No, go on. No, wha- I want to hear Karl’s first.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: No, it’s about the film. Um, cause when I was whizzing through it I saw something. I thought, “Oh, that’s good.” Um, the kid who’s in it, um, he was writing something on the back of a door with lipstick.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: What was it?

Steve: Well, that’s a tricky question. I can’t remember.

Ricky: Nor can I.

Karl: Alright then.

Steve: So the kid in it was writing--

Ricky: Is that going to be too hard for anyone?

Steve: Let’s see if- I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s somebody…

Ricky: Well, the phones are going so it might be.

Karl: Yeah, but this e-mail, innit?

Steve: Alright, [email protected]. What was being scrawled on the back of a door by the little kid in “The Shining”? Be honest, if you know that it means you’ve probably already got it and you’ve watched it about eight times.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Fair enough though.

Karl: Alright.

Song: Bob Dylan- You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go