15 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 15 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

When the Winds Were Bad in the '70s

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) "Clocks" from The Coldplay--

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and back Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Ehhh!

Ricky: He's rarin' to go. That's nice when you have a bit of time off, innit?

Steve: Yeah, how long have you had off now then, Karl?

Ricky: About three weeks.

Steve: About three weeks, is it?

Ricky: About three weeks, yeah. Uhm, we can't do that because we're sort of self-employed and we'd be lettin' people down but it's different when you're- you know, you get payed anyway whether you turn up or not but good to have you back. Good to have you--

Karl: I'm not a- I'm never off ill.

Ricky: No. Good--

Karl: This is the first time--

Steve: No, I just--

Karl: That I've been off ill at XFM.

Ricky: Well, no, just- just shoot off for two weeks and then you're off--

Steve: No, I just wish I was the kind of person who could let down an audience--

Ricky: I know. Really--

Steve: Of regular listeners.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, but like I say--

Ricky: Well, no, we spoke to you, you weren't that bad- a cold- you don't go in for a cold. Uh, we were discussing this last night in the pub and, uh, you know, you don't go in for a cold. Uhm, okay then, moving on, what have we got, then? We've got some great songs, I brought--

Karl: It wasn't a cold though.

Ricky: In The Smiths, I brought in Buzzcocks, I brought in Neil Young, I know Steve's got some hip hop.

Steve: Some great hip hop, hooray!

Ricky: Some great Elvis Costello. It's gonna be great. Karl come on, (Taps Desk) concentrate. You've been away three weeks.

Karl: It just annoys me- no, stop sayin' that--

Ricky: W--

Karl: Cuz you're annoyin' me now.

Ricky: Why?... W- what are you gonna do? Go home ill? (Mocking Voice) "Ohh. Ooh, he's annoyed me." "Oh, has he?" "Yeah--"

Steve: (Mocking Voice) "I got a bit of a headache!"

Ricky: (Mocking Voice) "I put on wet jeans, I'm a little bit annoyed."

Karl Mumbles

Ricky: (Mocking Voice) "Can I have some time off but still get payed?" "Yes, of course you can, Karl."

Karl: Steve, right, he called me up, winding me up about this--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And, right, I'm- I'm nearly- I'm thirty, right- I'm thirty now--

Ricky Giggles Quietly

Karl: I can only remember being off two times.

Ricky: Oh, his memory's goin' as well. You'll have some time off.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: And both of them were when I- when I was at school. One- one--

Ricky: "Scyull?" What's "scyull"?

Karl: One when it was windy...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Why did you have to have off cuz it was windy?

Steve: But, to be honest, Karl, that lasted for seven years--

Ricky: No- no wait- (Laughing) yeah, yeah.

Steve: Your time off at school.

Ricky: Wait, wait, wait, why did you have time off cuz it was windy?

Steve: Were you windy or was it windy outside?

Karl: No, it was a really- it was like when--

Ricky: Your auntie wasn't out the window, was she?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: When- when the winds were bad in the seventies and me mam said, "Oooh--"

Ricky: What'd you- whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoahhh. I remember space hoppers and flares--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: I don't remember the winds being bad in the seventies.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Well me- me mam just said, uhh, "You might get blown into the road so don't go in."

Ricky Bursts Into Laughter

Ricky: She had so much faith in you, didn't she... as a human being?

Steve: Is that why she got fired from the pie shop?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: "I'm not coming in today, I might get blown into the road."

Ricky: God, they- ohh God.

Karl: The funny thing was, right, Steve, they had this- this thing goin' at school - cuz a lot of kids used to wag it back then, right--

Steve: Used to what?

Karl: Wag it - sort of, not go in.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And, ehm, they, sort of, tried to make it interesting for you by giving you a--

Steve: An education?

Karl: A certificate.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Certificate if you did a full week.

Ricky: A reward for the rest of your life--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Ricky: With achievement. That sort of- that sort of carrot.

Steve: Mm.

Karl: And also, like, let you got home at three o'clock on a Friday--

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: If you'd done a- like, a full week and that, right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So it was a- it was lovely weather all week, then it just, sort of, changed on a Friday--

Ricky Almost Laughs

Karl: And I got off and it was all windy and me mam said--

Ricky: It's always windy on Fridays and Sundays, innit?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, "Don't- don't, you know- if you don't want, don't go in cuz you might get blown into the road and that."

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: So I said, "All right then, I'll stay off." And, uhhhm--

Ricky: Sorry, why didn't she... told you held on- hold on to a fence or--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: Walk ya there. What's this "don't go out, you might get blown--"

Steve: "Immediately give up."

Ricky: I love this "getting blown into the road". Is that based on your cats that kept gettin' blown into the road?

Karl: Well... So, I got to- got to school on Monday, right, and the teacher said, "Right--"

Ricky: Took you a long time.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: "Today, uh, to punish you - you were the only one who wrecked the whole week, right- everyone else came in, you didn't, so everyone else is going home at three o'clock today... but you're not."

Steve: Brilliant. Serves you right and, uh- and--

Karl: I wasn't bothered though, it was great cuz I said, "Well, you'll have to stay with me, won't ya?"

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And it's great. So, all I did for half an hour was doodle and stuff. It was great- little afternoon.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And that- that was ages ago. That was, like, when I was about... eight. And that's one of the times I was off ill.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So.. eight--

Steve: But that wasn't even ill, that was wind.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, yeah. So...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit different when you're--

Steve: To be honest with you--

Ricky: In the adult world though, Karl. You can't just not turn up because you've got a bit of a cold or you're a bit fed up... I mean, we had an appointment four o'clock Thursday, wasn't it, and he had to call up, he said, "Aw, cancel it", I went on, "meeting went a little bit late."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Tsk Sound) (Banging the Desk on each Word) Time management. Get things done. If it was important, you'd get it done. Play a record, Karl.

Steve: Pull your finger out please.

Song: Elvis Costello - Alison

It Sounds Like the Most Complicated Game Ever

Ricky: Elvis Costello, "Alison". What a great track that is.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Beautiful. Well, Karl, we better tell 'em all the new great features we've come up with... in the time... you were off.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Right, well, we'll, uhh- we've got the film thing still goin'.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Ehhhm...

Ricky: That's where you take a lead role or a m- or a- a major role in a- in a Hollywood blockbuster which we then give away on VHS - worth 6.99.

Steve Giggles

Karl: And, uhh, something new we're trying out cuz "Rockbusters"--

Steve: Is dead thankfully, yes.

Karl: Is, uhh- is gone for a bit.

Steve: It's over.

Karl: Ehhm, "Crosswords".

Steve: "Crosswords".

Ricky: Ooooh, this sounds intrigueing, where'd you get the idea from?

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: What's- what's the basic, uh, format of this?

Karl: Right, what I- what I've done is: I've, uhh--

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Take- take, like, a- a popular saying from the show...

Steve: A popular what?

Karl: A popular saying, something that crops up quite a lot in the show.

Steve: In our show?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhhhm, first thing that spring- sort of, sprang to mind was, uh, "There's this hairy Chinese kid."

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Oooh, classic.

Steve: But more- more commonly it would be something like "Karl, you're an idiot"--

Ricky: Yeah, "Play a record you ignorant fool"--

Steve: "Karl, you idiot", "Karl, you're a fool"--

Ricky: "Ooh, what do you mean? You let us down again. You should have been here."--

Steve: Yeah, "Karl, where have you been?"

Ricky: "Yeah, you--"

Steve: (Mocking Tone) "Oh, you've got a headache, have you Karl? You better have a lie down."

Ricky: (Mocking Tone) Yeah. Awwwwww!

Steve: Typical phrases like that, sure.

Ricky: Yeah. Typical phrases like that, yeah. Yeah.

Steve: "Karl, you're a loser", yeah.

Ricky: (Mocking Tone) Awww, yeah.

Karl: Right. And, uhm, what I've done, I've got a load of different songs and took words--

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: From the different songs and then joined them together--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: To make "There's this hairy Chinese kid" and then people have to email in and say what the five songs were.

Steve: It sounds like the most complicated game ever.... I'm looking forward to it. Are you- have you heard any of this, Rick, cuz I've not heard this at all--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'm not familiar with this.

Ricky: Well, all it is, it'll- it'll go, like, (Disjointed Tones) "Hairy. Chi. Nese. Kid." and that's- it's from, sort of, four different songs--

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And you've got to identify the songs.

Steve: Right. Wow!

Ricky: How many songs in this, Karl? You o--

Karl: Five. Five. "There's", "This", "Hairy", "Chinese", "Kid".

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: All right?

Ricky: So...

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) And, uh, what are the prizes for that? Are these the prizes?

Karl: Yeh. Yeh.

Steve: All right, well let me tell you what they are. They're not too bad, actually. We've got, uhm, "Live Forever" which I assume is a CD that ties in with this new film--

Ricky: Think of that... A well-known phrase from the show and it's "Hairy Chinese kid"!

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: What other- where would you hear that?!

Steve: There is no other radio show in the world--

Ricky: In life. I... this is... Go on.

Steve: If you've just tuned in, I mean, what do you think?

Ricky: What do you think if you've just tuned in? And go, (Slight Manc Accent) "Well-known phrase from show: "Hairy Chinese kid."

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Aww, yeah... classic.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: They'll be playing that in charades this Christmas.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Ah, so, yeah, this is, uh, a CD that ties into this new film "Live Forever" which is all- is all about, uh, Britpop and so there's stuff on there from Oasis, Blur, Pulp, etc. Uh, we've also got, uh, another "Red Dwarf" DVD. Uhh, "Marion and Geoff", the first series of that, excellent--

Ricky Coughs

Steve: It's on VHS, sadly but, uh, nevermind. And, uhmmm- and also "The Very Best of Led Zepplin", a two CD set there with all the classics on. So that's not bad prizes actually, Karl. You've done yourself proud.

Ricky: That is, uh- we've upped it- we've upped it, we're getting serious now. We're playing in the, you know- the bigger league. We've upped the stakes, we want "Heat" magazine not to, you know, lose touch with us just because "Rockbusters" is gone.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I think they're still behind us. We've got to show the worried--

Steve: So, we've got- we've got, uhh- we've got "Film..."- you appear in a film--

Karl: Mm.

Steve: We've got (Laughing Slightly) "Crosswords." How is that to do with a crossword?

Karl: Because I've got words and, sort of, crossed them.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.

Ricky: Right. You haven't really crossed them.

Steve Giggles

Ricky: But, uh, good. So, "Words". We're playing a game called, "Words".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: "Word Song". Hello, and welcome to "Word Song".

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: And, uhh- and obviously I imagine there'll be some more great music.

Ricky: But we've got a new feature, haven't we?

Karl: Which one's this?

Ricky: Are we doing... uhm, within the monkey news, the new feature?

Karl: Awwwww, Steve...

Steve: I'm excited. You know "Monkey News" is my favorite feature so what have you added to it?

Ricky: Explain it.

Karl: Right, well, uhhh, there's been loads of stuff going on in the past few weeks, all right? Ehhh, but for the times when I struggle, when- when, sort of, monkeys have had a quiet week...

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: And- and there isn't that much news goin' on, right--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Come up with this thing... I, sort of, speak to an expert, I've- I've spoke to him already, right...

Steve: You spoke- you spoke to an expert?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: A monkey expert?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: And I ask him a question.

Steve: Wow!

Karl: Right? The feature... it's got a good name, you know that's the way I work.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: "Cheap as Chimps".

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Right?

Steve: (Laughing) Okay.

Karl: And what I do, I ask them a question about, you know, oooh, how much does it cost to, you know, keep one... how much does it cost to, you know, feed one for a week.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: All this sort of stuff. So, I- I give out, like, a monkey story and if that isn't enough for people, they'll also learn something else at the end of it.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, like...

Steve: It sounds fascinating, can I say right now.

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: That's just some of the things that we've come up with. Play a record, Karl.

Steve: Please still continue to listen though.

Ricky: Yeah.

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Buy It In Bottles