05 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 05 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Karl Has Had a Little Strop On

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Hickory dickory dock, some lads, there, just wrote a song called "Clocks". The lads are Coldplay.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: (Chuckling) And the song is?

Ricky: "Clocks".

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington pressing the little buttons, there.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Hmph.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. What's that? What's that little "Mmm"? Well...

Karl: I think I do more than just press the buttons.

Ricky: Right, you see this is- this is it, right. Karl has had a little strop on since last night, okay? And he's--

Steve: He's had a little strop on?

Ricky: Yeah--

Ricky Cackles

Steve Laughs

Steve: You did- you said, "strop on".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I just wanted to clarify.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: And, uhh, it's- I don't- I don't know why. He says that I'm an annoying person.

Steve: Yeeah, mmm...

Ricky: He says that I wind him up, right. Uhm, which I don't know, he says that you're- you're winding him up because you're, sort of, like, negative about everything--

Steve: I'm negative?!

Ricky: Yeah. And, uhm, what I think it is is cuz we pointed out that his lateness is unacceptable.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He said, "Meet you at six." He turned up at twenty past. He said, "Well, someone stopped me in the corridor." I don't care.

Karl: I've got stuff to do.

Ricky: Y--

Karl: I'm head of production here--

Ricky: We had stuff to do! I think we're a bit busier than you, Karl! You've got one job, we've got loads of jobs. I keep tellin' ya that. You got one job in a little room, a 9 to 5, there that you don't even get done in 9 to 5, that's why you're late and mucking around all the time.

Karl: Yeah, cuz there's loads of work to do.

Ricky: Yeah. One job.

Karl: Right. No, it's not. It's- it's one job with a lot of other jobs in it. It's like those little Russian dolls you get.

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Well it's not, is it?

Karl: So, don't have a go- yeah it is.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Everyone thinks, "Oh, he only sits in the studio, messin' about, making 'Songs of Phrase'." That's what I do in me free time.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Which we've got comin' up later.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Super slick.

Ricky Continues Laughing

Ricky: Ahh, dear.

Steve: I still think twenty minutes late is an outrage though, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, twenty minutes late is--

Karl: Yeah, but I didn't say, "bang on six". I said, "around six".

Ricky: You said, "six"! No, you didn't. You said, "six", which means six.

Karl: Well, it doesn't.

Steve: W- what?!

Ricky: W- sorry, it doesn't?!

Karl: If I was a newsreader I'd say, "Yeah, you've got to be on time." Do you know what I mean? If it was the six o'clock news, I wouldn't want to be late. But it's the fact that I said to ya, "I'm busy, I've got stuff to do--"

Ricky: No, no, you didn't say that, you said, uhh, "six o'clock?... to sort out tomorrow's show?"

Karl: Nahhh, I didn't. I know what I said, so...

Ricky: Yeah, w- well...

Steve: (Mocking) Whaa-aa-aa, no you don't. Because I remember you sent me a text, you didn't even- it wasn't even a phone call--

Ricky: Awwww--

Steve: You didn't even have the politeness to call!

Ricky: Stephen has stitched him up by being a little more precise than him.

Steve: It was a text. It was a text and it said, uhh, "see you around six tomorrow, question mark".

Pause

Karl: "Around". You just said it. "Around six".

Steve: Well, yeah, but it- it doe- that doesn't count- that doesn't mean anything!

Ricky: Well, yeah, no, it does.

Steve: What, so, let- all right, Rick--

Ricky: You told me he said six.

Steve: Well, he did. I'm- I'm paraphrasing. Six o'clock, Rick... to me- ar- even if it was "around six o'clock" that would be five to six or five past six. It would not be twenty minutes after the event.

Pause

Steve: Cuz that is late.

Karl: Well...

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Steve: Well, you can't even- you can't e- you've got nothing, you see. You haven't even got an excuse.

Karl: Yeah, but then I turned up--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, and I said, "Right, well, let's not argue about this, let's come up with some good new features cuz we're binning, uhh, 'Cheap as Chimps'--"

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: That's gone today.

Steve: Good news.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He ne- he never liked "Cheap as Chimps", Karl, did he?

Karl: No. Right, he never liked it. Do you know what?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Do you know who's took it further?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Donal MacIntyre.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) What?!

Karl: He's doin'- he's doin' a program "Cheap as Chimps".

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, he's not!

Steve: No, he's not doing a progr--

Karl: Channel f- well- well, we'll see again. I'll prove you right again.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's- he's not--

Karl: Prove you wrong again.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's not doing a program "Cheap as Chimps", is he? He's not! What do you mean?!

Karl: He's doing- I saw a trail on Channel 5 and it was sayin, you know--

Ricky: Is it 5 or about 20 past 5?

Karl: "He's do- doin' this, he's done that" - you know - "now see him on Channel 5 because he's moved to Channel 5--"

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It was sayin', "First big problem: eh, chimps..." - you know - "they're dear and that and, uhh--"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: No, they're not dear. He's a- g- g- g- g- gettin' confused.

Karl: No. No. F- f- fifty-odd grand for a chimp and it's sayin'--

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: You know, he'll look into how much you can get a gorilla for.

Ricky: What are you- WHAT ARE- in the name of God, are you talking about?

Karl: I'm gonna talk about that later.

Ricky: But, I don't know wh- I don't know wh- wh--

Karl: I'm just sayin' that that's another idea that's- that and BBC 2--

Ricky: And yeah, yeah, yeah, so, go on- you've gotta- this is why you never get stuff done and you're late--

Karl: Yeah--

Ricky: You got off the point. You were talking about arriving late!

Karl: Yeah, I know, but I'm just sayin' to ya now. I'm just sayin' I turned up late so I said, "Right, well let's not argue--"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said, "Let's do some stuff"!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You weren't havin' any of it. I think at one point you were trying to be sick on me leg.

Ricky Wheezes with Laughter

Steve: I do remember that.

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky Continues Laughing

Ricky: (Laughing) Why? Just- just for fun?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Karl: I- so that's when I started gettin' annoyed.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: He was very annoyed last night.

Ricky: (Laughing) Now, uh, I- d- yeah, okay. Yeah, I- I could see where that could be annoyin' but you've just got to think, "Hey look, so what? He's-", you know...

Karl: Well- well--

Steve: I think you rub each other up the wrong way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's the problem.

Karl: Well, no more "Cheap as Chimps" today.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: All right.

Karl: We've got nothing to replace it because we didn't have a chat.

Steve: Mmhm.

Karl: "Songs of Phrase" - we're doin' that, you can win some stuff.

Ricky: Yeah, we've got the film that we haven't done for the past two weeks.

Karl: Got the- the final film, we won't be doin' that anymore.

Ricky: Let- lettin' them down. That's two weeks- let's say two weeks late on that.

Karl: We're doin' that.

Steve: Can I just ask, guys, is there going to be some great music?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, I've got some--

Steve: What about something from the On- Only Ones?

Ricky: Yeah- yeah- yeah--

Steve: The classic "Another Girl Another Planet".

Ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet". "Planet". "Planet". "Planet."

Steve: Brilliant.

Song: Only Ones - Another Girl Another Planet