05 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 05 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Karl Has Had a Little Strop On

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Hickory dickory dock, some lads, there, just wrote a song called "Clocks". The lads are Coldplay.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: (Chuckling) And the song is?

Ricky: "Clocks".

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington pressing the little buttons, there.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Hmph.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. What's that? What's that little "Mmm"? Well...

Karl: I think I do more than just press the buttons.

Ricky: Right, you see this is- this is it, right. Karl has had a little strop on since last night, okay? And he's--

Steve: He's had a little strop on?

Ricky: Yeah--

Ricky Cackles

Steve Laughs

Steve: You did- you said, "strop on".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I just wanted to clarify.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: And, uhh, it's- I don't- I don't know why. He says that I'm an annoying person.

Steve: Yeeah, mmm...

Ricky: He says that I wind him up, right. Uhm, which I don't know, he says that you're- you're winding him up because you're, sort of, like, negative about everything--

Steve: I'm negative?!

Ricky: Yeah. And, uhm, what I think it is is cuz we pointed out that his lateness is unacceptable.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He said, "Meet you at six." He turned up at twenty past. He said, "Well, someone stopped me in the corridor." I don't care.

Karl: I've got stuff to do.

Ricky: Y--

Karl: I'm head of production here--

Ricky: We had stuff to do! I think we're a bit busier than you, Karl! You've got one job, we've got loads of jobs. I keep tellin' ya that. You got one job in a little room, a 9 to 5, there that you don't even get done in 9 to 5, that's why you're late and mucking around all the time.

Karl: Yeah, cuz there's loads of work to do.

Ricky: Yeah. One job.

Karl: Right. No, it's not. It's- it's one job with a lot of other jobs in it. It's like those little Russian dolls you get.

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Well it's not, is it?

Karl: So, don't have a go- yeah it is.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Everyone thinks, "Oh, he only sits in the studio, messin' about, making 'Songs of Phrase'." That's what I do in me free time.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Which we've got comin' up later.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Super slick.

Ricky Continues Laughing

Ricky: Ahh, dear.

Steve: I still think twenty minutes late is an outrage though, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, twenty minutes late is--

Karl: Yeah, but I didn't say, "bang on six". I said, "around six".

Ricky: You said, "six"! No, you didn't. You said, "six", which means six.

Karl: Well, it doesn't.

Steve: W- what?!

Ricky: W- sorry, it doesn't?!

Karl: If I was a newsreader I'd say, "Yeah, you've got to be on time." Do you know what I mean? If it was the six o'clock news, I wouldn't want to be late. But it's the fact that I said to ya, "I'm busy, I've got stuff to do--"

Ricky: No, no, you didn't say that, you said, uhh, "six o'clock?... to sort out tomorrow's show?"

Karl: Nahhh, I didn't. I know what I said, so...

Ricky: Yeah, w- well...

Steve: (Mocking) Whaa-aa-aa, no you don't. Because I remember you sent me a text, you didn't even- it wasn't even a phone call--

Ricky: Awwww--

Steve: You didn't even have the politeness to call!

Ricky: Stephen has stitched him up by being a little more precise than him.

Steve: It was a text. It was a text and it said, uhh, "see you around six tomorrow, question mark".

Pause

Karl: "Around". You just said it. "Around six".

Steve: Well, yeah, but it- it doe- that doesn't count- that doesn't mean anything!

Ricky: Well, yeah, no, it does.

Steve: What, so, let- all right, Rick--

Ricky: You told me he said six.

Steve: Well, he did. I'm- I'm paraphrasing. Six o'clock, Rick... to me- ar- even if it was "around six o'clock" that would be five to six or five past six. It would not be twenty minutes after the event.

Pause

Steve: Cuz that is late.

Karl: Well...

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Steve: Well, you can't even- you can't e- you've got nothing, you see. You haven't even got an excuse.

Karl: Yeah, but then I turned up--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, and I said, "Right, well, let's not argue about this, let's come up with some good new features cuz we're binning, uhh, 'Cheap as Chimps'--"

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: That's gone today.

Steve: Good news.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He ne- he never liked "Cheap as Chimps", Karl, did he?

Karl: No. Right, he never liked it. Do you know what?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Do you know who's took it further?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Donal MacIntyre.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) What?!

Karl: He's doin'- he's doin' a program "Cheap as Chimps".

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, he's not!

Steve: No, he's not doing a progr--

Karl: Channel f- well- well, we'll see again. I'll prove you right again.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's- he's not--

Karl: Prove you wrong again.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's not doing a program "Cheap as Chimps", is he? He's not! What do you mean?!

Karl: He's doing- I saw a trail on Channel 5 and it was sayin, you know--

Ricky: Is it 5 or about 20 past 5?

Karl: "He's do- doin' this, he's done that" - you know - "now see him on Channel 5 because he's moved to Channel 5--"

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It was sayin', "First big problem: eh, chimps..." - you know - "they're dear and that and, uhh--"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: No, they're not dear. He's a- g- g- g- g- gettin' confused.

Karl: No. No. F- f- fifty-odd grand for a chimp and it's sayin'--

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: You know, he'll look into how much you can get a gorilla for.

Ricky: What are you- WHAT ARE- in the name of God, are you talking about?

Karl: I'm gonna talk about that later.

Ricky: But, I don't know wh- I don't know wh- wh--

Karl: I'm just sayin' that that's another idea that's- that and BBC 2--

Ricky: And yeah, yeah, yeah, so, go on- you've gotta- this is why you never get stuff done and you're late--

Karl: Yeah--

Ricky: You got off the point. You were talking about arriving late!

Karl: Yeah, I know, but I'm just sayin' to ya now. I'm just sayin' I turned up late so I said, "Right, well let's not argue--"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said, "Let's do some stuff"!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You weren't havin' any of it. I think at one point you were trying to be sick on me leg.

Ricky Wheezes with Laughter

Steve: I do remember that.

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky Continues Laughing

Ricky: (Laughing) Why? Just- just for fun?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Karl: I- so that's when I started gettin' annoyed.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: He was very annoyed last night.

Ricky: (Laughing) Now, uh, I- d- yeah, okay. Yeah, I- I could see where that could be annoyin' but you've just got to think, "Hey look, so what? He's-", you know...

Karl: Well- well--

Steve: I think you rub each other up the wrong way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's the problem.

Karl: Well, no more "Cheap as Chimps" today.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: All right.

Karl: We've got nothing to replace it because we didn't have a chat.

Steve: Mmhm.

Karl: "Songs of Phrase" - we're doin' that, you can win some stuff.

Ricky: Yeah, we've got the film that we haven't done for the past two weeks.

Karl: Got the- the final film, we won't be doin' that anymore.

Ricky: Let- lettin' them down. That's two weeks- let's say two weeks late on that.

Karl: We're doin' that.

Steve: Can I just ask, guys, is there going to be some great music?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, I've got some--

Steve: What about something from the On- Only Ones?

Ricky: Yeah- yeah- yeah--

Steve: The classic "Another Girl Another Planet".

Ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet". "Planet". "Planet". "Planet."

Steve: Brilliant.

Song: Only Ones - Another Girl Another Planet

I've Seen Most Parts of Your Body Now

Ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet" by the Only Ones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, cheer up! Come on. There's a war on. Chill out.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: I have to say, you- you have become increasingly annoying, uh, recently, Rick--

Ricky: Who, me?

Steve: I think- yeah, chiefly- I'll tell you what it is, I think it's the- the hot weather. Can I just draw- just remind you, when we were in the office recently - we've got a little office that we write in and we work in - and, ehhm, many, many moons ago, uh, we were doing some work - this was when we were f- writin' the first series of the, uh, "The Office" - and, uh, I was typin' away, I was just typing something up we've written. And I read it back to Ricky, uh, just to check he was happy with everything. I was reading it back and, uhhh, as part of the thing there was a knock in the script, it said, you know, "knock" and I- so I was acting it out for him and I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like this and I realized he wasn't listening, he was, in fact, asleep underneath his desk and he- I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like that as part of, uhh, you know, reading the stage directions- I knocked, he thought someone was coming in, he leapt up, clunked his head, zipped up, thought someone- I said, "Rick, it's not- I'm just acting that out for you."

Ricky Giggles

Steve: He just wasn't paying attention--

Ricky: I--

Steve: He wasn't listening and can I just draw- so, recently we're in a- we're in another office, we're typin' away, a-da-da-da, uh, I look 'round, he's got his shirt off.

Ricky: It was hot.

Steve: He's taken his shirt off, right, so he's sat there, 41 year old man or whatever you are- 40 year old man there with his shirt out- beautiful. I mean, I've seen most parts of your body now at one point or another--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I think in the early days when we used to work at XFM you started showing me bits of your anatomy which is something he does to (Laughing Slightly) people he likes, friends of his. I'm sure you're seen most of it, Karl.

Karl: No.

Steve: And so, uhm, he's sat there--

Ricky: It's not that sort of relationship. Go on.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: He's sat there and (Laughing Slightly) there's a knock at the door because we'd asked someone who worked in the building to bring us something (Laughing Slightly) and so I had to delay it by, sort of, not opening the door so he could get his shirt back on--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so he was running around trying to get his shirt back on--

Ricky: What would they have thought? What would they have thought?

Steve: They'd of walked in, he'd of been sat there stripped to the waist--

Karl: Didn't they, sort of, think, "hang on, what's going on?", look through the key hole...

Ricky: No. No.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Awww.

Steve: It was ludicrous because as they came in, he, sort- he was flustered and he, kind of, was just leaning against the window--

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: Just looking like, "I often stand here with my, uhh- my shirt back to front."

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I'm getting like Bernard Manning. When you see Bernard Manning, whenever he goes into a house he has to go upstairs to take his trousers off.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love that. The fact that in your house you've just got your pants and your vest on. That's what you want to do.

Karl: Yeah, but it's- it's all the time, it's not just- I mean, you haven't done that with me - takin' your clothes off and that - yet, but, like, last night we were sat in the pub and I was sayin', "Right, you know, let's not even worry about new features then, let's- let's get the current ones, you know, going. And get them good."

Ricky: Like what?

Karl: Like...

Karl Exhales

Karl: The one that I was trying to work out: "The", uh, "Cheaky Freak of the Week".

Ricky: (Laughing) Think of that!

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Yeah, but I was sayin'--

Ricky: Think of that, though as a normal conversation!

Karl: Yeah, but--

Ricky: As a- a--

Karl: I looked online, right, I didn't find that much. I found, uh- actually I'll tell you what I found later. Brilliant. Uhhh--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: But lookin' for them, right--

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: And, uhh, then at one point I think you said to me, "Go and" - you know - "What about the Guiness Book of Records?" - you know - "They'll- they'll have like--"

Ricky: Yeah. Loads of--

Karl: The- the best freak of the--

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: In the world or whatever--

Ricky: Yeah, ever.

Karl: So, uhh, I said, "Yeah, yeah, bring one in." Now, you've got one at home...

Ricky: Yeah, I've got a couple.

Karl: But you couldn't be bothered carrying that in today so I had to go out of the pub that I was at...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Nip into Borders...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Buy a Guiness Book of Records--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Out of me own money--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: 18.99.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Bring it back, and then you said, "Ah, I don't know if I want to do this feature."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: So it cost me 20 quid for that, I had to buy a video for "Silence of the Lambs" film clip.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: I'm actually out of pocket at the end of this.

Ricky and Steve Giggle

Ricky: But, do you want to work with me, is the thing. If you want to work with a- people would pay that sort of money to work with me, Karl. You're a lucky bloke. Think of how many people think, "Ahh, Karl, he gets to- gets to drink and sit..."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You were making a cup of tea and I surprised you, didn't I? Little surpr- it's little surprises.

Karl: Steve, you know last night... do you know when I left the pub in a bit of a mood--

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Cuz I- just fed up with not gettin' anything done?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Walking down the road, I was thinking, "How can I get out of this?"

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "How can I stop havin' to work with him?" And thinking, "I wonder if I- if I leave, I wonder if they'll be funny and they'll go and then me boss will be giving me stick...", and thinking, "How much notice have I got to give? How- how-". And all this is going through me mind, I'm walking home and I got in, said to Suzanne, "I'm sick of it." She's going, "You need to do it, I want to get a new kitchen."

Ricky Explodes with Laughter

Karl: And I was like, "Yeah, but how big does the kitchen need to be?" I was sayin', "Do we need a big kitchen? Can we get a small one? Have we got enough for a small kitchen?"

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: "Do we need so many cupboards? Can we just have wood instead of steel?" All of this trying to get out of doing this.

Steve: Yeah. It's almost a sh- I always feel I- you know, cuz I- I like to think that I'm not perhaps as bad as him.

Ricky: Yeah, I know.

Karl: You annoy me in different ways.

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Like what? How does he annoy ya?

Karl: Well, stuff- stuff that, you know- I come up with ideas, say "Cheap as Chimps"--

Steve: Yeah. Yes.

Karl: Uh, "Rockbusters" springs to mind.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. I like wh--

Karl: Uhh, "Fifteen Taiwan". Uhh...

Ricky Giggles

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Fifteen Taiwan". Let's just remind people what "Fifteen Taiwan" was.

Karl: It was a little feature that I wanted to give a run, you know- give it a little run, see if people like it. Ehh--

Steve: The premise being?

Ricky: No, there's no premise, just the title.

Karl: No, we were gonna get fifteen, sort of, ornaments, you'd explain them...

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: And then people would call up and say--

Ricky: (Laughing) On radio.

Karl: "That one's from Taiwan."

Steve: See! Karl, you've just explained why I didn't think that was a good idea!

Karl: Yeah, but you--

Steve: By explaining the good- the--

Ricky: No--

Karl: Do you know what the funny thing is, Steve, right? I was walking down Regent Street on Monday... Walked past one of these big stores, right, and they got all famous quote- quotes on the windows, right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And one of them was something like "An absurd idea is often a great idea."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know who said that?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Einstein.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Which made me wonder... if you were his mate, would he ever have done "E equals mc squared"?

Ricky Snickers

Karl: Or would you have said, "Don't bother with that. It's not gonna work." Cuz that's all you seem to do. Everything I come up with--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You put down.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, that's one thing: he's negative, right. I don't know- I don't know why- I don't know why he's- he is. What else?

Karl: He messes me about. I get him concert tickets for stuff and--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And you say, "Oh, I didn't bother going."

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, that is annoying.

Karl: You come in, you know, with 5 minutes to go with tracks that need editing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The little bag. That bag that was free.

Karl: Yeah, you got a free bag today--

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: An XFM, little rucksack thing.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You were like, "Ooh, what's this- what's this rubbish?"

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Ricky said, "I'll have it! They're great!", you said, "No, I want it!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well it was free. I need it. I'll give it as a gift or something.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: So... So, I mean, I think on reflection, Steve is probably a little more annoyin' than me.

Pause

Karl: Mmm.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: I w- I won't go that far.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: You are- you are annoyin'. If I had to go away for a week somewhere...

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: If it was a quiet place--

Ricky: Well, you are again, aren't ya? That's two holidays you had this week- this year, I mean.

Karl: If it was a busy place, I'd probably go with you cuz people - do you know what I mean - starin' at me all the time and that if I'm walkin' around with Steve.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!!!

Karl: No, I'm just--

Ash - "There's a Star" Begins to Play

Ricky Continues to Laugh

Steve: Can I draw up a list of reasons I don't like you, Karl?

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: Just being honest.

Steve: Well... I'll tell you, cuz the list of reasons I don't like you is incredibly long. And gettin' longer.

Karl: I'm just sayin'.

Ricky Continues Laughing

Steve: Want another slap?

Song: Ash - There's a Star