Tape 3 Side A/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 3 Side A, from Xfm Series 0.

Of Course She’s Not Dead!

Ricky's mum: I would like to apologize for my son's behaviour. He is a filthy little fucker who's been a wanker most of his life and treats me like a tosser Steve: So, uh, Doris Stokes right, Ricky: Yeah Steve: Is dressed like a dominatrix Ricky: Yeah Steve: and she's dripping hot wax Ricky: yeah Steve: Onto the naked torso of Arthur Mullard Ricky: Yeah, of course he is. Steve: Right, and, um he in turn is being pleasured, right, by Dusty Springfield (Steve chuckles) Ricky: Ohhh e- Dusty Springfield's not dead. Steve: ...what? Ricky: You twat. Dusty Springfield's not dead Steve: Yes she is. Ricky: No she isn't! Steve: She is! Ricky: Of course she's not you-you (incomprehensible mumbling)! (Ricky slams hand down) Steve: She's dead! Of course she's- Ricky: Of course she's not dead! Steve: Who am I thinking of? Ricky: I don't know! Dusty Springfield's alive and well!...and playing with Arthur Mullard- No she's not dead! Steve: oh my God... Ricky: Well, excellent Steve: Oh Ricky: It was going so well, wasn't it? Steve: Oh... (Steve Chuckles) Ricky: ...I like the bit up 'till then though. Steve: Yeah Ricky: I like the idea of her and Mullard Steve: Well that's all true Ricky: In a farm. We can't do that anyways...we can't do that on the radio, talking about that sort of thing (Steve tries to say something) Ricky: I'll tell you what though. If we're gonna' pick on a dead person Steve: Yeah Ricky: Why pick Doris Stokes?? Steve: (laughing) I don't know. Ricky: The one dead person you don't pick! Steve: I know!...I know. God. Ricky: I'll have to convince her she's dead Steve: But even in real life she'd harness the powers of the dark side (Steve tries to say something) Ricky: (chuckling) I know...she liked the dark side... Steve: Getting on our backs Ricky:...that was her favorite...she's getting on our backs? Don't get me started on that. Steve: Oh, goodness me, it's just nothing but innuendo and-; Ricky: Dust Spring-, I don't believe it... Steve: It's libelous Ricky: We're in trouble now. Steve: We're in trouble Ricky: Oh, God. You should have picked someone like Silliro who is dead. FAKE ADVERT- MUFF SHANDY- EARPLUGS ARE GAY

You Twat

Ricky: And the bloke with the um, gimp mask and the umbrella said "Doris, I'm- even I'm not doin' that".