03 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 03 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Nice to Meet You Ken

song: Richard Ashcroft - Buy it in bottles

Ricky: Buy it in bottles, Richard Ashcroft on Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now listen up, right, It's the sony awards this thursday. Now for those of you who don't know, the sony awards are like the oscars for radio presenters and producers and everything, right, so, and as you know me and Steve, we love to win. We want to win this one. It's the last time the panel will be listening, so, i want a good clean tight show.

Steve: Okay

Ricky: So no swearing, joking aside, no swearing, nothing controversial and nothing in bad taste, alright? Just, good luck out there.

Steve: Arent we a little bit buggered then?

Ricky: Well, yeah. So, alright Karl?

Karl: Yeah, that's alright. Just, it's just when you say things like, errr, "make it a good one" sometimes it sort of puts a bit of pressure on and things slip out that you shouldn't say and, stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had that?

Ricky: What when you cant...

Karl: It's like, i'll tell you one story, right

Ricky: ...Laugh at a funeral

Karl: I'll tell you a couple actually

Ricky: Go on

Karl: Ones just come to mind, right now, right. There was a fella who, errm, who me dad was gonna meet, I don't know if i told you this before, right, but errm, I have told you, when it was a party and everyone was saying "Dave's coming, he looks like Ken Dodd, so don't say anything", Have i told you?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Go on, what is it again?

Karl: And everyone is like "right ahhh" and me dads like "ahh I've never met him i wonder if he does look like Ken Dodd" and everyone is saying "yeah but don't say anything...

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: ...because you'll accidently, you know, say it and..."

{{Ricky|YUMBUNCTIOUS! Yumbunctious to meet you!

Karl: So the thing is, when this fella turned up he did look like Ken. My dad couldn't believe it, first thing he said "nice to meet you Ken"

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: On no

Karl: And that's the sort of thing. There was another one, Right, errr, at the station that I worked at in errr, in Manchester, right, this was this girl who worked in the news room, right, and err, she had a plastic arm, right...

Steve: Right

Karl: And this presenter, nice bloke, not out to hurt anyone went up to her, sat down, was chatting for a bit, touched the arm and said "what lovely skin you've got"

Steve lets out a short surprised laugh

Ricky: What did she say?

Karl: I, i don't think, I mean, she's probably used to it, so she wasn't bothered. And then right, this one, this is brilliant, errrm, this is the sort of gaff he made on air right...

Ricky giggles quietly

Karl: ...and like I say he's a nice bloke so he meant nothing by it, right, but he does this competition on the air, gets a caller on, right, he's talking to the woman saying "thanks for calling in and playing, i dunno, what have I got in my pocket?" or whatever he used to play on the show, right, and err, talking to the woman and in the background there's this noise, right, like...

Karl squarks

Karl: ...like that, right, so he's talking and he goes, err, "have you got a, err, pet parrot?" and she said "no it's my down syndrome kid"

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh dear.....Oh!

Ricky: Errrr, the thing is, awards don't matter

Steve: Nahh, I don't think so

Ricky: Play a record?

Steve: So we're not out to offend or annoy

Ricky laughs

song: The Smiths - Panic