12 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 12 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

There Are Rules In Place

Ricky: Placebo, “The Bitter End.” That’s the first single we’ve lifted from their forthcoming album, “Sleeping With Ghosts,” which you can hear in full on the Xfm online listening posts. I’m Ricky “The Cheeky Little Devil” Gervais. With me, Steve “Alright Ladies, What Can I Get You to Drink? What, You Think I’m Made of Money? I Meant Half a Mile For Summat” Merchant and Karl “Oh, I’m Stressed, I’m Stressed. If It’s Too Hard I Don’t Want to Do It” Pilkington.

Steve: (chuckling) Indeed. Oh, well. It’s nice to be back, Rick.

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Um--

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Rick, I heard a rumour that you weren’t going to be playing great music today. I’m assuming that’s wrong!

Ricky: It is wrong. This is what I mean about the-the-the gr- the grapevine--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And just Chinese whispers. I-I’m not having it. There’s some great music coming up.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So--

Steve: I also heard that there was going to be, uh, some boring chat.

Ricky stammers

Steve: Sorry, is that--

Ricky: Well, I want, I want names!

Steve: (laughing) I mean, I don’t want to name names, Rick--

Ricky: And addresses!

Steve: But that’s the gossip I heard.

Ricky: Well, it’s totally wrong.

Steve: I heard that it’s going to be inane, ill-thought out.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Often stupid.

Ricky: No, we’re- it- Karl’s not going to talk so much this week. We’re going to try and, sort of, uh, bring, you know, bring it back to-to real radio. So that’s an absolute lie.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great.

Ricky: Great.

Steve: Good, so--

Ricky: Alright Karl, had a good week?

Karl: Yeah, not bad.

Ricky: Have ya?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Going on holiday now, aren’t ya?

Karl: Well, I will be doing later. Tell ya about that later on.

Steve: What, um--

Ricky: There’s a hook.

Steve laughs

Steve: Can I just check, cause there are rules in place, aren’t there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There was a big, there was a big bust-up in the week.

Ricky: Oh, I’m not, I-I’m only allowed to wind him up on-air. I’m not allowed to wind him up socially now. I’m not allowed to- What am I not allowed to do? Socially?

Karl: Um, I think squeezing the head.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Uh, socially.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Has been crossed off.

Ricky: Right, okay and I agreed to that cause it got to a head where, you know, Karl was really upset and he was thinking of just, uh, giving it, giving it all in, weren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. What- why was that?

Karl: Cause it was just winding me up too much.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I mean, do you want to bring it all up again?

Ricky: (laughing) I don’t mind. What was I doing?

Karl: It was, it was just--

Steve: I mean, I should say now that there was a conversation where it was all, we were all, sort of, really walking on eggshells.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was, it was frosty. It was a conference call and Karl was on one end and I’ll tell you--

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: At one point--

Steve: I was very much a media- I was very much a U.N. mediator.

Ricky: What do you think of that, Karl?

Karl: It was difficult to, sort of, keep it serious when I’m saying stuff like, “I’m sick of you putting a Burger King bag on me head.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: There’s a part of me that’s, like, “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: But it’s--

Ricky: I li- What I like about it is that, um, I’m laughing and going, “Well, uh, I won’t do that anymore” and he’s going, “You can still do it on air” and it- like today I was going to- I came in, I wanted to squeeze his head. He went, “At one o’clock.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I love those rules! I love those rules!

Steve: Well, between the hours of one and three on a Saturday you can squeeze his head, you can put a Burger King bag on his--

Ricky: (laughing) But I can’t wait! It’s terrible. Oh, dear.

Karl: But it all started last week, as well, really, because I got in a bit early to do an edit for you on some track that had swearing in it, right? So I get in early, he comes in, first thing he does is go to sort of squeeze my head.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And my reaction was, “Not now, do it later!” As if it’s alright to do it later.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So, that’s-that’s kind of what made me think, “This isn’t normal.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: We should just point out when you- when we say “squeezing your head,” what exactly does that mean?

Ricky: I-I-I put my hand on the front- I do two experiments, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: One is the side cause I- you can crush an egg sideways so I think that’s more dangerous.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And I squeeze- I actually put me elbows out and I press like a vice and I really go for it until it really hurts. And the front one is- it shouldn’t hurt as much if I’m- if my experiment’s right. I don’t know.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: I mean--

Karl: Well, it was all this that, sort of, you know, built up.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Um--

Steve: And the research that you’re doing there, Rick, is that going to be available online at some point?

Ricky sniggers and giggles

Karl: That-that was the problem. That’s what I was saying to him because it kind of started last week, uh--

Steve: Well, it’s been going on since we’ve known you, hasn’t it, Rick?

Karl: Yeah, but it’s--

Ricky: I’ve just upped it. I’ve just upped it last week.

Karl: It got out of hand a bit.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I upped it to when I, um- I think it got to, uh, a head on, um, Thursday when I filmed it.

Steve: (chuckling) That was it, yeah.

Karl: That’s right, yeah.

Ricky: I brought in a cameraman to film me torturing him. And there was people from the sixth floor being shown around?

Karl: Yeah, some management an’ that.

Ricky quietly giggles

Karl: Showing probably clients around.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You know, sort of- they’ve probably been on all the different floors, seeing what all the different radio stations do.

Steve: They’ve seen Dr. Fox.

Karl: Uh, “This-this is Xfm, the sort of alter-” “Aughhh!”

Ricky laughs

Karl: This sort of noise going on.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You see ‘em all look down. I’m saying, “Don’t do that,” right?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: Cause they might, they might want to spend a load of money.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So just- and he’s-he’s doing that. He’s wrestling with me. He’s filming it. So that’s when I just thought, you know--

Ricky: Mad, innit?

Karl: And then when-when we’re having the argument on the phone, I was saying, you know, “Has this been some sort of experiment?”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: He did! He said that and of course I lost it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, uh, it’s all, it’s all good now, innit?

Steve: But do you want to squeeze his head before we play the next--

Ricky: I won’t at the moment because, I mean, we’ve got to get on. It’s not, it’s not right. And that annoyed me, as well. Um, cause I was, um, trying to find out where he was going. I was filming him, I was going, “I’m waiting for Karl. Told Johnny he’s meeting a mate at six, so which annoys me on two counts." I’m just looking into the camera. "Um, you know, so I’m gonna, I’m gonna follow him and just turn up and go, ‘Alright? Where’ve ya been?’” But then when I came in he went, “Oh, I’m meeting a mate” and he told me where it was, so I told him that spoils my fun.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: I wa--

Steve: Cause you don’t- you’d want to just track him down and--

Ricky: Yeah. I don’t want, I don’t want him to like it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Which is so- it’s sort of taken- pull the rug under my carpet now that he’s going to let me- you know what I mean? It’s just--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s a little bit annoying.

Karl: It’s that thing, though, you see- this happened years ago to me, right? When, you know, you get pally with someone--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: And then you wind each other up--

Ricky: Mmhmm.

Karl: And then there comes a time--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: When you just go over the line.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: What happened?

Karl: Well, it was this lad called Antony, right? He was me mate.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh, we used to, sort of, always have a, have a little fight in the toilet an’ that. Right?

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Um, punch each other--

Ricky: “No, I want to wipe it!”

Karl: And the, and the punches, you know, used to get harder.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: An’ stuff. And then, you know, so he-he hit me harder. Turned out into a proper fight.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I chipped his tooth on the sink. Right?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: This happened at school and it was time for assembly and I thought, “Ohh” and he-he’s in the toilet crying. I thought, “Ohh.” Go to assembly. Uh, there’s a- there’s police in there, in the assembly that day telling people about unnecessary violence.

Ricky: And you thought they were there for you.

Karl: So I’m like, “Ohh, no! Antony‘s going to come in in a minute, like, crying with all blood coming from his mouth. I’m gonna get arrested.”

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Did you go running asleep?

Karl: And that-that was an example--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Of- I mean, it kind of happened because…I went out with…a girl who he fancied.

Ricky: And how old- how- how old were you, how old were you now?

Karl: Uh, about eight or nine.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: I think that’s out of order, going out with a mate’s girl.

Karl: Yeah, but it- she didn’t like him. He had, like, big ears an’ that. He had no chance--

Steve: Yeah, cause you’re such a dish.

Karl: No, but do you know what I mean? Alright, I haven’t got the looks like I used to.

Steve: Sure, when you were eight.

Karl: But that--

Ricky: Were you--

Karl: That’s before the stress of, you know, having heads squozed an’ that sort of thing.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: I have aged a lot since--

Ricky: Have you aged?

Steve: Having your head squozed--

Ricky: I love your own grammar.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I lo- yeah.

Steve: Is that- that’s the past tense, is it? Squeeze or to have squozed.

Ricky: “Oh, he did squoze his head.”

Steve: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, brilliant.

Karl: So, you know, it’s just--

Ricky: What about a bit of Bowie? Let’s, uh--

Karl: Bit of Bowie?

Ricky: “Be My Wife.” Karl, I’m asking you.

Steve: I think we can squoze that in.

Ricky: B-be my wife, Karl. C’mon on.

Song: David Bowie- Be My Wife

Her ID Wouldn't Look Right

Ricky: Will you, uh, miss me on holiday?

Karl: No.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: No!

Ricky: Wha- He’s joking, I assume, Steve.

Steve: Well, I don’t know. I think--

Ricky: Can you tell- I can’t tell whether he’s serious or not. What do you mean, “no”?

Karl: No. D-definitely not. I mean, I might- when I get back, I’ll go, “Oh. Let‘s have a quick chat,” but I’m not gonna be sat there going, “Oh, I wish I was back in London for Ricky to, you know.”

Ricky: "Have squozed my head."

Karl: We’ve sorted the head problem out.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Nah, I still won’t.

Ricky: No? Okay, well that’s…that’s a little upsetting. I was, uh, with Karl in the week, uh, I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday. And, uh, was it last week- there was a program on about the child who was older than her mum.

Steve: The child that was older than her mum?

Ricky: Yeah, right, which was- he was looking forward to it as much as Oliver The, uh--

Steve: The Humanzee.

Ricky: The Humanzee, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, I didn’t see it in the end. Did you miss it as well?

Karl: I missed it--

Ricky: And, uh, is- what it is is this, uh, little girl and she’s got an aging thing so- he was telling me about this, this was all from him. He went, “And what it is, right, she’s about five, right, but she’s aged so she’s actually ninety.”

Steve: (chuckling) Right.

Ricky: Right? And I went, “Oh, God. Really?” He went, “Yeah.” And then he went, “Could she get served in an off-license?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: I went, “No.” He went, “Well, that’s not fair.” I went, “What do you mean?” He went, “Well…” I said, “She’s five years old! She’s a five-year old girl.” He went, “Yeah, but she’s got the fody- body of a ninety-year old, so… Oh, God. Let her have a fag!”

Steve laughs

Karl: Wouldn't you let her have one if she--

Ricky laughs

Steve: If she asked?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh--

Karl: If you worked at an off-license and she wandered in, alright, and, uh--

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: So she’s two-foot six…

Karl: Well, I don’t know cause I haven’t seen it. I don’t know that much about--

Ricky: Yeah. She’s a five-year old. It’s just an aging process, which is a degeneration of the-the cells like what aging is. There- it’s- it doesn’t mean she grew into a ninety-year old woman with a scarf.

Steve: (laughing) No,exactly.

Ricky: Going ‘round the streets. What did you imagine it looked like?

Karl: I don’t know. I mean, it- she’s aging fast, yeah?

Ricky: Yes, but it’s a- it’s more to do- it’s not- yes. Yeah.

Karl: Cause it was saying that her mam and dad are pretty stressed out about it and I kinda thought, “Well…you’d be forever buying birthday presents.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: It’s not like she’s morphing through various ages, like, “Look, look! She’s fifty-eight today. Fifty-nine! We can’t keep up.”

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well, what- how’s--

Steve: It’s not that! It’s not like she’s going--

Steve laughs

Ricky: It’s- it-it-it has-has the same effect as aging on the body. So, uh-uh-uh-uh, a cellular level. There’s a degeneration as quick as if she’d gone through- I don’t know. I- I got this from you! I’m guessing, Karl!

Steve: It’s not like she’s watching “Top of the Pops” one week and she’s loving it, then the next week she’s going, “I can’t understand what they’re saying.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She’s not, like--

Ricky: “Look at them dance! I remember- I- God, I remember when I was four. Now there are real bands.”

Steve: “S Club 7 were excellent!”

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah.

Steve: “But what’s this tripe, S Club?”

Karl: But-but if she wants a fag…

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: She’s five years old, Karl!

Karl: But she’s got to experience everything in a short spell of time, d’ya know what I mean?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: You’ve got time to, sort of--

Steve: I think you’re thinking of her life like that Fat Boy Slim video where it starts off as something crawling out of the sea and then it evolves really quickly over three minutes. I mean, that’s not the case, Karl. Her mind isn’t- she isn’t aging m- in her mind at the same time.

Ricky: No, she’s--

Steve: She’s not living a life, a whole life, in like, you know, three weeks. It’s just her body is-is degenerating quicker than it should.

Karl: So-so if you worked in Oddbins, you wouldn’t serve her with a bottle of wine.

Steve: No, I probably wouldn’t.

Karl: Well.

Ricky giggles

Steve: Unless she had some I.D.

Ricky: That probably would have been cruel, wouldn’t it? That’s alri- I-I- That on top of all her other problems. He wouldn’t even give her a glass of--

Steve: (chuckling) Yeah. A bottle of wine.

Karl: And her I.D. wouldn’t look right cause she’s aging all the time.

Ricky laughs

Karl: The photo would never match.

Steve: Yeah. “Look at my hair there.”

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: “That was last week.”

Ricky: “While it was 2002.”

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Karl: We don’t know enough about it, so.

Ricky: No, I haven’t seen it, so, uh, yeah. Maybe we should apologize cause that can sound callous and cruel cause I don’t know what, I don’t know what the whole--

Karl: It was just the title.

Ricky: The vibe of the- Yeah, I know the title that excited you.

Karl: Something like, “I'm Older Than Me Mam.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, the- it was “The Child That’s Older Than Her Mother.”

Karl: Oh. Well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So that’s- that was weird. There’s some good stuff on in the week that I missed--

Steve: You missed that one, did you? Didn’t watch that.

Karl: Didn’t see that. Saw, um--

Ricky: Maybe someone will have it on video for ya.

Karl: Yeah, if you taped it and, you know, send it in.

Steve: Watch it on fast forward. She’d really age then.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Imagine that! Woah!

Karl: Well, we’ve got some weird stuff to talk about, though.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Coming up later.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Derren Brown.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Steve: That was interesting.

Ricky: I love the fact that the trou- we’ve just talked about him asking me nicely not to squeeze his head when people are around and a girl who ages so quickly she should be served in Oddbins and he goes, “But we’ve got some weird stuff coming up.”

Steve laughs

Steve: That’s Karl’s world.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: The- yeah.

Ricky laughs

Song: Turin Brakes- Painkiller

Collective Age of 300

Ricky: That’s our song, innit, Karl? “Leave all this misery behind.” Innit? Turin Brakes. “Painkiller.”

Ricky gasps

Ricky: That’s what we could do. I could, sort of, give you a little local anaesthetic and squeeze your head and see how far it would go before--

Karl: Let’s file that when I get back off holiday.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Ah! Oh, dear.

Steve: Rick, I was watching Music Television this morning just before I came out.

Ricky: I love it, I love it.

Steve: I kind of agree with Wyclef Jean.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That just because, uh, she dances loco, it don’t make her a hoe, no.

Ricky: No.

Steve: But I can’t help but feel she’s not helping her case. I mean, she’s there every night, basically, getting there for the lads.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: For money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean, I don’t mean that she’s a hoe or a whore--

Ricky: No, no, no.

Steve: Per say, but I can’t help but think if you, if you think people are slagging you off, calling you a whore, get a different job, cause I’ll tell you this; you like the money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She likes to che- she likes the easy money.

Ricky: I-I-I-I’ll say this; if… well, basically, exposing and, um, sort of, uh, wobbling ‘round, uh, you minge, tits and ass doesn’t make you a hoe, what does?

Steve: I don’t know what does.

Ricky: Karl’s head just went down there, just went down. He doesn’t like this sort of filth, do ya?

Steve: Oh, he-he’s thinking about Maxine.

Ricky: Who’s Maxine?

Steve: That’s her name. “Put on your red shoes, Maxine.”

Ricky: Oh, is it?

Steve: Yeah. It’s a moving song.

Ricky: What’s the horse about at the end?

Steve: Horse. I’ve never understood that. Never understood that. Is Wyclef doing alright? Is he- I’m always concerned about The Fugees cause I heard L-Lauren Hill’s not- her new album’s apparently not very good. Nas, or whatever his name is, I don’t know what’s happened to him. He’s just been off the face of the Earth.

Ricky: Got a soft spot for him for ‘em all. I think he hopped up too much. I think he was a bit ubiquitous, uh, jumping up on everyone’s- you know, he’s a funny bloke, as well.

Steve: Wyclef?

Ricky: He’s lovely.

Steve: He’s a good guy. Good luck to all The Fugees if they’re listening.

Ricky: Good-good luck to, uh, all the, all the lads from The Fugees.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Um--

Steve: Any other bands you’re concerned about?

Ricky: Hepburn! What the hell- what has gone wrong with Hepburn!?

Steve: Oh, it does make me worry. It does make me worry.

Karl: Well, uh… do you want to do some, uh…give some stuff away?

Ricky giggles

Steve: Uh, I suppose so, Karl. We could, yeah.

Karl: Yeah? Set it up, set it rolling.

Steve: What is it? What-what- which of your many competitions is this?

Karl: Uh, Songs of Phrase.

Ricky: Talking of competitions, I remember last week there had been an argument that, um, Karl kicked Steve off the team because he was getting a little bit uppity and trying to take it over.

Karl: This is pub quiz, innit?

Ricky: Pub quiz, yeah, but then, uh, you let him back in, didn’t ya?

Karl: Well, he was alright. He came to me afterwards and said, you know, “You’re not going to kick me off, are ya?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said, “Well, yeah.”

Ricky: He came back, sort of, I suppose, begging. He, sort of- was it embarrassing or-?

Karl: Well, no. It’s just, you know, he-he-he--

Ricky: He learned his lesson.

Karl: He realized he o-overstepped the mark, like you have this week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’ya know what I mean? We’ve all learnt our lesson.

Ricky: Yeah, we’ve all learned our lesson. But I won the quiz, didn’t I, and you didn’t.

Karl: Well, that doesn’t matter.

Ricky: No.

Karl: The thing is, right--

Ricky: But I won all the money, didn’t I?

Steve: Please bear in mind who’s taken part of the counts, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, sure. But I wasn’t winding you up in the quiz, though, was I?

Karl: And your- all your team was older.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, what’s that got to do with it? I’ve learned my--

Steve: You’ve got a collective age, your team, of about three hundred.

Ricky: No, one-one of ‘em is only--

Karl: The thing--

Ricky: One of ‘em is actually five, but she just, she’s just aged a lot.

Karl: I think when I took the eleven plus, we were all around the same age.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That’s what I mean.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Your team was a lot older. What was our average age, would you say?

Steve: Average age probably, um, thirty.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Yours, at least forty-one.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Definitely.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Definitely!

Ricky: Only two of us were forty and one- three were 'bout thirty.

Steve: No, rubbish!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Who’s thirty?

Ricky: Martin! Glyn. Oh, Gl-Glyyn’s about thirty-six--

Steve: Glyn’s- naaaaaah.

Ricky: Yeah, but they’re- but--

Karl: It all helps, dunnit?

Steve: And--

Ricky: Yeah. Helps, helps, helps.

Steve: And you’ve all got--

Ricky: (unintelligible) under thirty.

Steve: And you’ve got a better general knowledge.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were cheating!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We knew more!

Steve: You just knew more stuff.

Ricky: Yeah. That’s not allowed, is it?

Karl: Prop-proper quiz time--

Ricky: I wasn’t winding you up, though, when I won. I wasn’t gloating or anything, was I?

Karl: No, not at all, when you kept, sort of, counting it in front of me and--

Ricky laughs

Steve: Like he hasn’t got enough cash already, Karl.

Karl: How much was it?

Ricky: Ohh--

Karl: How much was the prize?

Ricky: I-I can’t say. It would be gauche. Right.

Steve: Is that tax-free, that money?

Ricky: Eh…

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Yes, of compe- it’s a, uh, prize, innit?

Steve: Is that true, though? Is that how it works?

Ricky: I think so. Prize money, isn’t it? I don’t know.

Steve: Well, otherwise-otherwise, I assume you’ll be declaring that.

Ricky: Yeah, I will, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, you’ll be paying tax on that.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Cause you know where people- I mean, the tax man could contact you via Xfm any time just to check that if you wanted to.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: Sure. Um, okay, prizes to give away this week. You’ve, uh, excelled yourself again. We’ve got, once again, “Scotland Rocks!” The very best of Scottish music. Texas, Deacon Blue--

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: And, uh, Gerry Rafferty.

Ricky: The Proclaimers on there or not?

Steve: Proclaimers. Don’t worry, Del Amitri on there. Don’t worry.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sweet.

Steve: Don’t worry.

Ricky: Is Bis on there? Is Bis on there?

Steve: I’m just checking to see if Midge Ure and Hugh and Cry--

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: I don’t know.

Steve: Uh, The Rezillos, as well.

Ricky: Ohh, brilliant. Brilliant. That is brilliant.

Steve: That’s brilliant, so look forward to that.

Ricky: Is Lulu on there or not? Is she on there--

Steve: I can’t see her on there, actually.

Ricky: Or is she not on there?

Steve: But, uh--

Ricky: The Wets! Are The Wets on there? Are The Wets, or not? Are The Wets on there?

Steve: Fairground Attraction. Per--

Ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Steve: That’s on there, so, uh--

Ricky: Is Wee Hooty McTwo on there and his, uh, his jamboree?

Steve laughs

Steve: Uh, what’s this? This is another arbitrary compilation, uh--

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Called “Strange and Beautiful--”

Ricky: Brilliant!

Steve: “The X List” album, which is quite good--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The new album by The White Stripes, uh, the DVD, “Walking with Cavemen,” that TV show that’s on. On VHS, uh, it’s still got the price on there. On VHS, in case you haven’t seen it, uh, “Fight Club,” and the best-selling book from Michael Moore, “Stupid White Men.” So actually some quite good prizes there, Karl. Not bad.

Ricky: Alright, Karl. What’s this, what’s this competition?

Karl: Right, Songs of Phrase. It’s where I, uh, get a line that, sort of, is said a lot on this show or has been said quite a lot on the show.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Is this one, “Stop squeezing me head”?

Karl: No. Oh, I could have done that.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Eh. Um, but what we’re doing is, um, “Me fave-" uh, “The Elephant Man’s me favourite film.”

Ricky: Is that the phrase?

Karl: Yeah. That’s the phrase that we’re looking at today.

Steve: “The Elephant Man’s me favourite film”?

Ricky: It is, as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s his favourite film.

Steve: I know, I know.

Ricky: Why is that again? Says it’s funny and sad, and it-it s- you know exactly what you’re going to get.

Steve: Yeah. They promise you an elephant man; it’s exactly what you get.

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah.

Karl: And it’s got- have you seen it, Steve?

Steve: I have seen it, yeah.

Karl: It is good, innit?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Um--

Steve: Do you remember at the beginning of “The Elephant Man”?

Ricky: Think of that! Having that as your favourite film, of all the hundreds of amazing fil- I mean, the- I-I mean--

Steve: I mean, it’s a good film--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And it’s a moving film--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I can’t imagine a film I would watch endlessly, again and again.

Ricky: I don’t care about a bloke with a…elephant’s head.

Karl: I watched a little bit of it again the other night. It’s one of them that, you know, just, sort of, reminds ya--

Ricky: You know what annoys me? When he goes, “I am not an animal.”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: He is.

Steve: Well, I mean, he speaks like one.

Ricky quietly chuckles

Karl: And what does an el--

Ricky: And he’s got, got a funny head.

Steve: And he looks like one.

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah, yeah.

Karl: But it was a bit unfair because they never let him look in a mirror because he’s a bit odd looking and it upset him.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So his hair was always a mess.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And that made him look worse than he actually was.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: But good film. Get it out if you haven’t seen it. That’s the phrase today. Uh--

Steve: Do you know, um, my- I remember my friend introduced me to that film and if you remember, at the beginning, there’s a big montage because he-he’s, uh, working in a, in a zoo, isn’t he, or being kept in a zoo and there’s a sequence of, uh, of various- of elephants, I think, actual elephants, kind of, rampaging and it’s just quite a, sort of, moody, atmospheric montage.

Ricky: Is he king of the elephants? Can he rule them?

Steve: Well, my friend, my friend said to me when we- he said, “Watch this.” He said, “What happens is he gets trampled on by some elephants and that’s what makes him look like an elephant.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I went, “Right.” I watched it and I thought, “That’s not the case” and I tried to explain it to him and he, to this day, is still convinced that the Elephant Man- It’s like a, it’s like when Spiderman--

Ricky: Gets bitten by a spider.

Steve: Gets bit by a spider.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Karl: It was his mam, wasn’t it.

Steve: “The Elephant Man! The power of an elephant!”

Ricky laughs

Karl: But it was- was it his mam who got--

Steve: “He never forgets!”

Karl: Anyway.

Steve: “Be careful.”

Ricky: Is it- his mam what?

Karl: Wasn’t it his mam who was pregnant and then they ran over her and--

Steve: No! I don’t think so.

Karl: That’s the impression I got from it.

Steve: No!

Ricky: You are joking, aren’t ya?

Steve chuckles

Karl: No. I thought- I-I honestly thou- anyway, right? So the phrase is, “Me favourite film’s ‘The Elephant Man.’”

Ricky: Hold on, wait a minute.

Karl: Uh, there’s five songs make up that-that sentence.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Alright? This week. Have a listen, see if you can work out the songs. E-mail in. Uh, [email protected]. Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And you win all that stuff--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Steve’s just said, so, uh--

Ricky: Eh.

Karl: Right, here we go then.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: That was nicely done.

Ricky: Genius.

Karl: Alright?

Steve: Let’s hear it again.

Karl: Here we go.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Steve laughs

Karl: Five songs there. “The Elephant Man--”

Steve: Not- not so hard this week, which is good.

Karl: “Is my favourite film.” Well, I thought we’d make it a bit easier.

Steve: Make it a bit easier. Yeah, alright.

Karl: Just-just one more.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Steve: E-mail only. [email protected]

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Ha ha. Bit of, uh, Hip Hop Hooray, bit of a rap classic. Although you may not have heard it before.

Song: Mock Turtles- Can You Dig It

The Worst Radio Show Ever

Ricky: I can totally dig. Here's the Mock Turtles.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl “The K-Man” Pilkin- Pilkers. Little Pilkers. Little Baldy Roundy Heady Pilkers.

Karl: Oh, yeah. There’s, um--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: There’s a whatshername. If people go to the website--

Ricky: You’re joking. That’s not a--

Steve chuckles

Ricky: There’s not a whatshername.

Steve: An actual whatshername?

Ricky: You’re-you are joking, Karl?

Karl: No, but it’s just you reminded me.

Ricky: Oh, did I?

Karl: “Little round, bald head.”

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: If they go to xfm.co.uk, right--

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: /Ricky, there’s a picture on there. You know that picture you did.

Ricky: Oh, that I drew?

Karl: The one you drew of me. Uh--

Ricky: Who put it on? Did Xfm put it on?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Did it look good?

Karl: Uhhh--

Ricky: Can you get into it? Can I have a look?

Steve: I’ll have a look- yeah, I’ll have a look during--

Ricky: What, is it xfm.co.uk--

Karl: /Ricky.

Ricky and Karl: Right.

Karl: And there’s that little picture and people can, sort of, put bids in and the money goes to, uh…

Ricky: Me, I assume, as I drew it.

Steve laughs

Karl: No, it’s for some charity thing, so.

Steve: Cause I-I’ve read, I’ve read something- I think there’s been a bid of at least fifty pounds, which is pretty--

Ricky: No, there hasn’t!

Steve: I swear to God! I just saw it earlier. I deleted it cause I thought someone was winding us up.

Karl: You deleted it?

Steve: Well, I didn’t know, did I? I didn't reali-You didn’t keep me informed!

Karl: Well, it just- (annoyed) Oh!

Ricky: He’s a buffoon, Karl, isn’t he? I think, I think you’re an idiot, but sometimes…

Karl: (annoyed) Oh!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Oh, yeah!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well--

Ricky: Hold on, I’m just going to check. Just going to check the “Power List” Top 100 Most Important People in Radio.

Steve: What’s this list?

Ricky: Oh, it’s just the most important people in radio. Oh, fifty-six: Ricky Gervais. That’s annoying. Fifty-six!

Steve: Let me see!

Ricky: So there's fifty-five more important people than me. I love the fact there that I’ve beat David Mansfield who’s the controller of Capital!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Arbitrary. The Radio Academy “Power List” Top 100.

Ricky: Ahh.

Steve: And you’re, what, number fifty-six?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ricky Gervais. Xfm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I noticed we’re not mentioned, Karl.

Ricky laughs

Steve: What's your thoughts on that?

Karl: Well.

Steve: You know. Little, uh, stinging, that. I’d have thought, considering the amount of work you put into this show.

Karl: Well, don’t get me started.

Steve: Are you on here elsewhere, Karl?

Karl: No. Too busy!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Chris Moyles is number ninety-six.

Ricky: Oh, that’s good.

Steve: That’s good news, innit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He’ll be off the list by next year, I hope.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve chuckles

Ricky: So funny, aren’t they?

Karl: But it is weird, Steve.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right? Who’s-who’s number one?

Steve: Number one is Phil Roberts. I don’t know who that is.

Karl: Right? Wouldn’t you think that Marconi would have got a mention?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Marconi? Now what station’s he on?

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: Weird, though, innit?

Ricky: Ohh! That’s a point! Cause I got one in television. You’d have thought John Logie Baird would have got a mention.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: That’s great. Although, it’s not ever, is it? Again, I’ll slip out of that by next year, I’d have thought.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Just checking to see, uh- oh, yeah, Dr. Fox. Good, he’s on there at number thirty-nine. I’m assuming his medical qualifications have also pitched in in the--

Ricky: Yeah, that’s the- yeah, that sneaks him up the list, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Typical!

Steve: Peter Waterman. Yeah, at number thirty-five. That makes sense. Important guy.

Ricky: Could- can- could we just give them the website so they can read this at their leisure cause this really isn’t radio, is it?

Karl: Right, well…xfm.co.uk--

Ricky: No! That website, if they want to see who the most--

Karl: Oh, I don’t know where it is. I’m just saying xfm.co.uk/ricky if you want to see that picture and whoever bidded fifty quid, if you can send the e-mail again because--

Ricky: Bid! “Whoever bid.”

Steve: “Whoever bidded.”

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky giggles

Steve: We should start picking you up on your grammar. I mean, we’re hardly ones to speak, but, you know. I squozed.

Ricky and Steve: Ricky and Steve: I squozed!

Ricky: I-I’ll tell you what, um, I listened back to las- Karl was worried about last week’s show because he said there was too much screaming and shouting and-and, uh, just nonsense and eating burgers--

Steve: It was a bit like “It’s a Knockout” last week, wasn’t it?

Ricky: (laughing) No, yeah. And I listened back to it and it is- it was, without doubt, the most appalling piece of radio I have ever heard in my life.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: I didn’t know what I was saying.

Ricky incoherently yells

Ricky: “Eat it!” And he’s going- And you’re going, (calmly) “Karl, there, eating a hamburger.” It was bizarre. Just half an hour. If anyone didn’t kn-know us or had never heard of us or- it was just like going, “(whirrs) Hart 104-”, (whirrs) to the “Xfm 104- listen to this. ‘Ughhh! Eat the burger! Eat the burger!’” He’s going, “Coming out-it‘s very--” “No!!” It was absolute- honestly, it was like a mental ward.

Steve laughs

Ricky: It- uh-uh- it was--

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: To be fair, though, at the best of times, you sound like you’re selling The Evening Standard.

Ricky laughs

Steve: “Ooh, ‘ello--”

Ricky: Oh! Oh.

Steve mumbles

Ricky: Oh, God. Oh, God.

Steve mumbles

Ricky: Oh. We should have the worst bits available, shouldn’t we? Just the worst bits of broadcasting ever. So where-where I didn’t finish a sentence or it was just shouting or a record- I-I mean, uh, where a swear word slips out and just put ‘em all on a CD.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Like, um, you know, like, Penk. He put out the best of his phone calls.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah. Didn- Yeah. I haven’t got-Have you got that?

Steve: The worst radio show in the world ever.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, “Now That’s What I Call Bollocks.”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Aww.

Steve: Alright, calm down. That’s just cheapened it! Ohh! Now, once again!

Ricky: Sorry, play a record.

Steve: Oh, tits.

Ricky laughs

Song: AC/DC- You Shook Me All Night Long

Dickmeister General

Ricky: Good to see those boys still rocking. That’s AC/DC. “Shook Me All Night Long” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Have we got the results of the, uh, quiz, Karl, or-?

Karl: Yeah. Here, I’ll just play it one more time. It was Songs of Phrase. Is this the last time we’re doing this?

Ricky: I’d have thought so.

Steve: I thought it worked better this week because it was actually doable.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If it makes a difference, Karl.

Ricky: We haven’t done, “Karl’s an idiot” yet. “Karl, you’re an idiot” have we?

Karl: Oh, well that’s a reason to keep it.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Maybe we should end with that one.

Karl: Alright?

Steve: When you come back.

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Right, well the five songs that made up this little thing ‘ere was “Mr. E’s Beautiful Blues,” Eels. “Innocent Man,” Billy Joel. And “Me Favourite Waste of Time” Owen-Owen Paul.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “Girls On Film,” Duran Duran. It sounded like this.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Karl: There we go. “The Elephant Man is me favourite film.”

Steve: Hang on. Was “Bohemian Rhapsody” in there?

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Yeah, it is. It is.

Ricky: (singing) “Is this the real life?”

Steve: Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Well, we’re going to give that to, uh, Piley. He just calls himself Piley, Ian Pile. Uh, good work, Piley.

Ricky: What’s happened to Anders?

Steve: Well, I just was going to say, actually, we’ve not had correspondence from Richard “Dickie” Anders for some time.

Ricky: The Dickmeister. Dickmeister General--

Steve: Yeah, I know!

Ricky: With his naughty, naughty insulting ways.

Steve: Yeah. Anderson used to e-mail regularly--

Ricky: Anders! Get on your computer!

Steve: Get in touch, mate! Tell us what you think of the show.

Ricky: Ho-hold on, though. To be fair, um, he was listening when-when we were pretty shoddy. I, uh- If he’s listened to the last three weeks, I think we’re owed a little apology from you, Dickster!

Steve: (laughing) Exactly! Absolutely. Uh, listen. Piley, um, we want to send you all those goodies, including “Scottish Rock,” um, but, uh, we don’t have, uh, your address so, uh, e-mail in your address and we can send it off to you. Alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: More adverts?

Ricky: Yeaaaah.

Steve: Yeah.

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