10 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 10 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

We Didn't Get a Sausage

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities

Ricky: Ha ha, Badly Drawn Boy on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I'll tell you what, the Sony's then-

Steve: Uh-ho-ho

Ricky: this Thursday, this Thursday at the Grosvenor House Hotel.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Everyone in radio who's anyone has uh, entered their show in different categories saying oh you know they get it down to you know...

Steve: Winners this year included the brilliant Dominic Mohan, former Showbiz editor of The Sun.

Ricky: Lots of people won, lots of people won, lots of people won gold, lots of people won silver, lots of people won bronze. We didn't get a sausage.

Steve: Nothing.

Ricky: This show was deemed

Pause

Ricky: not-not worthy of anything. I mean, not-not a look in. The panel looked at it and said well, no definitely not.

Steve: This is not radio.

Ricky: Didn't get a vote. See, that annoys me on so many levels. Let me-let me tell you: 1. Right, I've never complained about losing an award, okay, ever! Mainly in tv, I know we've won a lot but we've been beaten a couple of-beaten by Peter Kay, good luck to him, he's brilliant. Am, beaten by Phoenix Nights, the sitcom, a lot of people like that more than the office and vice versa. Right, n-no qualms, but the shoddy shite that I heard that night beating us...I was furious, Idon't understand-there's, there's people-regional-it sounds like hospital radio, right-they've-I mean I shouldn't even be on XFM, I thought eh-eh, you know, it-it, it's beneath me.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I thought 'Well, give em a hand, right, let's show em'. And I wanna know who the panel was aswell. I, I do not believe it! How can they d-? Erm, I was looking back over some of the shows, right *mumble* Karl, and I've just done a little excerpt of a-you know-a trailer of what we, what we do, what we're about, and I don't know how the panel could overlook..play a bit Karl, please.

Karl plays trailer

Ricky: ...shaking her muff, minge and tits around does not make her a ho then what does?

Karl: ...these kids at school with big heads...

Steve: Karl what are you talking about?

Ricky: Shut-Hello my name is Ho Lee Fuk.

Karl: Right there's this monkey that was on a train station.

Ricky: Right

Steve: What if, what if you mean cock to mean penis?

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: But it was me Down Syndrome son...

Ricky: Ooh chimpanzee that, monkey news!

Steve chuckles

Karl: So we've still got monkey news coming up.

Steve sniggers

Ricky: Your're an idiot!

Steve: That's, to me, quality broadcasting.

Ricky: I don't know how they can say that isn't worthy...

Steve: That's what we sent in-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: -to the Sony people, they listened to that, how they didn't think that was dynamite stuff...it doesn't make sense. D'you know, I've been thinking about this since Thursday because I've been a little bit down in the dumps-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -what I think it is is that with the tv show, the tv stuff we've done Rick, we put a lot of work into that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We get the script, we got the script. We spend a lot of time on it. What this show is about, it's very much about spontanaeity, it's about our personalities and I don't think we're ever gonna win an award for our personalities.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I think that's where we're going wrong.

Ricky: D'you know what I think? I think that when we're together, we're the auteurs of The Office and , y'know, and ah, we're strong on it, and we're just two-, we write it, we direct it...You know, we cast it, we-we even worry about the font and stuff on the- you know we do everything

Steve: mm, mm.

Ricky: There's a weak link in our midst, I think...

Steve: Wha, on the radio show?

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah-

Steve: Right well I'm just trying to think what the common factor is because on the award-winning tv show...

Ricky: well it-

Steve: ...it's just you and I...

Ricky: Yeah I dunno-

Ricky: Well I'll tell you what can we play a record and...let me think about this cos there must be somethi-there must be something...

Steve: There's gotta be a factor.

Ricky: that isn't in The Office that's in this that means that The Office is award-winning, and this is a pile of shite.

Song: The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar

Better Luck Next Year

Ricky: Brown Sugar by eh The Rolling Stones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and with us, erm, Karl-Karl Pilkington, the third-third member of this, erm, team...

Steve: mm

Karl: ...team. We and-me and you do The Office.

Steve: Award-winning.

Ricky: Yeah and me-us three do this, do this show.

Steve: No awards.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Nothing.

Karl: Karl, what-what are your thoughts? What do you think's wrong with the show? Why do you think the panel listened to our show and said 'That is awful, it's not actually a radio show'?

Steve: Well can I just point out to-many people may not realise that last year we won a bronze so we've actually gone down, we've actually slid off the list al-entirely.

Ricky: Yeah. I know but I mean that-that yeah but Karl wasn't really as involved...last year.

Steve: Well I remember last-last year you-it was very much you and I was doing it and Karl was just there pressing buttons.

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah I mean we just-we just started out on it yeah so I mean you can't really, you can't really compare. Hold on though...

Steve: Wellll...interesting, interesting.

Ricky: What d'you think, Karl, what-what do you think the reason is?

Steve: Thoughts Karl?

Ricky: Any thoughts?

Karl: I see what you're getting at.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: But-

Ricky: You're not stupid.

{{Karl|But, when I put the compilation together-

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: mm

Karl: I made sure that it was mainly you two

Steve: mm,mm.

Karl: So don't-don't be uh, don't be doin' that, don't be playin' that game.

Ricky: So you-oh so you put the compilation together.

Karl: Yeah

Steve: Right, again.

Ricky: Ah, right, interesting because...

Steve: We weren't involved with that.

Ricky: ...we, we, we usually do The Office, edit The Office and everything, we have final cut on The Office. So you, ah I see so you...

Karl: Yeah but-

Ricky: oh right, no no so you're the *something*

Steve: You had your fingers all over it, interesting.

Karl: Yeah but I-

Ricky: Oh no that's interesting, so-uh, well, erm...

Steve: Uh, that-so the tape was the smoking gun and who's fingerprints were on it: Karl Pilkington's interesting.

Ricky: Yeah, that's interesting we didn't-get a sausage...

Steve: mm

Ricky: But-you know what I'm-d'you know what I'm-seriously though, you know-you...

Steve: Well I don't-I mean seriously it is his fault.

Ricky: I know but I mean, we-we-it's our fault as well cos we should have known better, right, but-

Steve: Than to employ him? Yeah.

Ricky: But, erm, I actually think it's a slap in the face. I wanna know who the panel was, I wanna know what Sony were thinking, just handing it out to the same old people. You know what I mean? Every clip they played a funny phone call. D'you know what I mean? And so, I'm actually-

Steve: Did we send any of our funny phone calls in?

Ricky: So if anyone, if anyone, if anyone cares, I think we should knock this on the head-

Steve: Well yeah.

Ricky: As a protest against Sony. As I say I've never complained before, about *something*, but I mean this one, tsk, dunno what-dunno what they're think-I want-I want or, I want someone on the panel, it was entertainment, I want someonen on the panel to phone up and say why they think this show is rubbish.

Steve: Well and I-um- and apologise.

Ricky: Well not apologise if they stand by they-if they tell me why, you know, because, you know, listening to that clip there I can't see anything wrong with that as...

Steve: No, sure.

Ricky: as sort of, you know, daytime radio.