10 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 10 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

We Didn't Get a Sausage

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities

Ricky: Ha ha, Badly Drawn Boy on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I'll tell you what, the Sony's then-

Steve: Uh-ho-ho

Ricky: this Thursday, this Thursday at the Grosvenor House Hotel.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Everyone in radio who's anyone has uh, entered their show in different categories saying oh you know they get it down to you know...

Steve: Winners this year included the brilliant Dominic Mohan, former Showbiz editor of The Sun.

Ricky: Lots of people won, lots of people won, lots of people won gold, lots of people won silver, lots of people won bronze. We didn't get a sausage.

Steve: Nothing.

Ricky: This show was deemed

Pause

Ricky: not-not worthy of anything. I mean, not-not a look in. The panel looked at it and said well, no definitely not.

Steve: This is not radio.

Ricky: Didn't get a vote. See, that annoys me on so many levels. Let me-let me tell you: 1. Right, I've never complained about losing an award, okay, ever! Mainly in tv, I know we've won a lot but we've been beaten a couple of-beaten by Peter Kay, good luck to him, he's brilliant. Am, beaten by Phoenix Nights, the sitcom, a lot of people like that more than the office and vice versa. Right, n-no qualms, but the shoddy shite that I heard that night beating us...I was furious, Idon't understand-there's, there's people-regional-it sounds like hospital radio, right-they've-I mean I shouldn't even be on XFM, I thought eh-eh, you know, it-it, it's beneath me.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: And I thought 'Well, give em a hand, right, let's show em'. And I wanna know who the panel was aswell. I, I do not believe it! How can they d-? Erm, I was looking back over some of the shows, right *mumble* Karl, and I've just done a little excerpt of a-you know-a trailer of what we, what we do, what we're about, and I don't know how the panel could overlook..play a bit Karl, please.

Karl plays trailer

Ricky: ...shaking her muff, minge and tits around does not make her a ho then what does?

Karl: ...these kids at school with big heads...

Steve: Karl what are you talking about?

Ricky: Shut-Hello my name is Ho Lee Fuk.

Karl: Right there's this monkey that was on a train station.

Ricky: Right

Steve: What if, what if you mean cock to mean penis?

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: But it was me Down Syndrome son...

Ricky: Ooh chimpanzee that, monkey news!

Steve chuckles

Karl: So we've still got monkey news coming up.

Steve sniggers

Ricky: Your're an idiot!

Steve: That's, to me, quality broadcasting.

Ricky: I don't know how they can say that isn't worthy...

Steve: That's what we sent in-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: -to the Sony people, they listened to that, how they didn't think that was dynamite stuff...it doesn't make sense. D'you know, I've been thinking about this since Thursday because I've been a little bit down in the dumps-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -what I think it is is that with the tv show, the tv stuff we've done Rick, we put a lot of work into that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We get the script, we got the script. We spend a lot of time on it. What this show is about, it's very much about spontanaeity, it's about our personalities and I don't think we're ever gonna win an award for our personalities.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: I think that's where we're going wrong.

Ricky: D'you know what I think? I think that when we're together, we're the auteurs of The Office and , y'know, and ah, we're strong on it, and we're just two-, we write it, we direct it...You know, we cast it, we-we even worry about the font and stuff on the- you know we do everything

Steve: mm, mm.

Ricky: There's a weak link in our midst, I think...

Steve: Wha, on the radio show?

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah-

Steve: Right well I'm just trying to think what the common factor is because on the award-winning tv show...

Ricky: well it-

Steve: ...it's just you and I...

Ricky: Yeah I dunno-

Ricky: Well I'll tell you what can we play a record and...let me think about this cos there must be somethi-there must be something...

Steve: There's gotta be a factor.

Ricky: that isn't in The Office that's in this that means that The Office is award-winning, and this is a pile of shite.

Song: The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar

Better Luck Next Year

Ricky: Brown Sugar by eh The Rolling Stones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and with us, erm, Karl-Karl Pilkington, the third-third member of this, erm, team...

Steve: mm

Karl: ...team. We and-me and you do The Office.

Steve: Award-winning.

Ricky: Yeah and me-us three do this, do this show.

Steve: No awards.

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Nothing.

Karl: Karl, what-what are your thoughts? What do you think's wrong with the show? Why do you think the panel listened to our show and said 'That is awful, it's not actually a radio show'?

Steve: Well can I just point out to-many people may not realise that last year we won a bronze so we've actually gone down, we've actually slid off the list al-entirely.

Ricky: Yeah. I know but I mean that-that yeah but Karl wasn't really as involved...last year.

Steve: Well I remember last-last year you-it was very much you and I was doing it and Karl was just there pressing buttons.

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah I mean we just-we just started out on it yeah so I mean you can't really, you can't really compare. Hold on though...

Steve: Wellll...interesting, interesting.

Ricky: What d'you think, Karl, what-what do you think the reason is?

Steve: Thoughts Karl?

Ricky: Any thoughts?

Karl: I see what you're getting at.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: But-

Ricky: You're not stupid.

{{Karl|But, when I put the compilation together-

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: mm

Karl: I made sure that it was mainly you two

Steve: mm,mm.

Karl: So don't-don't be uh, don't be doin' that, don't be playin' that game.

Ricky: So you-oh so you put the compilation together.

Karl: Yeah

Steve: Right, again.

Ricky: Ah, right, interesting because...

Steve: We weren't involved with that.

Ricky: ...we, we, we usually do The Office, edit The Office and everything, we have final cut on The Office. So you, ah I see so you...

Karl: Yeah but-

Ricky: oh right, no no so you're the *something*

Steve: You had your fingers all over it, interesting.

Karl: Yeah but I-

Ricky: Oh no that's interesting, so-uh, well, erm...

Steve: Uh, that-so the tape was the smoking gun and who's fingerprints were on it: Karl Pilkington's interesting.

Ricky: Yeah, that's interesting we didn't-get a sausage...

Steve: mm

Ricky: But-you know what I'm-d'you know what I'm-seriously though, you know-you...

Steve: Well I don't-I mean seriously it is his fault.

Ricky: I know but I mean, we-we-it's our fault as well cos we should have known better, right, but-

Steve: Than to employ him? Yeah.

Ricky: But, erm, I actually think it's a slap in the face. I wanna know who the panel was, I wanna know what Sony were thinking, just handing it out to the same old people. You know what I mean? Every clip they played a funny phone call. D'you know what I mean? And so, I'm actually-

Steve: Did we send any of our funny phone calls in?

Ricky: So if anyone, if anyone, if anyone cares, I think we should knock this on the head-

Steve: Well yeah.

Ricky: As a protest against Sony. As I say I've never complained before, about *something*, but I mean this one, tsk, dunno what-dunno what they're think-I want-I want or, I want someone on the panel, it was entertainment, I want someonen on the panel to phone up and say why they think this show is rubbish.

Steve: Well and I-um- and apologise.

Ricky: Well not apologise if they stand by they-if they tell me why, you know, because, you know, listening to that clip there I can't see anything wrong with that as...

Steve: No, sure.

Steve: It's interesting , I mean I-I don't think, erm, our number one fan Dickie Anderson- Richard Anders - was, uh, on the, on the panel, although he here has emailed in.

Ricky: Go on, oh brilliant!

Steve: He's got a couple of thoughts as to maybe why we...

Ricky: What is Dickers doing man?

Karl: Eh Dickers says "commiserations on not winning a Sony, I can't believe you didn't win-

Ricky: Ah.

Steve: -naturally. I mean apart from your shows lack of quality and effort, having a monkey for a producer-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: -offering the biggest load of tat as competition prizes, saying 'hairy Chinese kid' 48 times every show, Rockbusters, not bothering to turn up for weeks on end, only having three listeners, introducing the comedy characters Camp David, Har-Harry Fook, which I think he spelt wrong there, Stephen Merchant-I'm not a character-

Ricky laughs uproariously

Steve: apart from insulting every race, religion, and sexual orientation, bickering like schoolgirls-

Ricky: We g-haven't done everyone yet, we have not insulted everyone yet, there's loads to go.

Steve: and generally bringing misery-despite the fact you generally bring misery into the lives of anyone who listens, I thought you were surefire winners. Better luck next year.

Ricky: Well...

Steve: I mean, a couple of constructive, you know, criticisms there, but generally, I still can't nail it.

Ricky: Was he on the panel?

Steve: Well I-I, I don't think so, I don't think s-well he's a fan, so...

Ricky: Yeah. Well, no, he-he's clearly a fan, I mean-

Steve: Yeah

Steve chuckles

Ricky: He lov-he obviously loves the show, he's-cos he's-I mean he has hit the nail on the head-

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: which-

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: But uh, what shall we do, shall we give up or shall we try harder? That-that's always my dilemma in life.

Steve: Sure, yeah.

Ricky: I mean I've-I've always gone for the first one.

Steve: Give up?

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Ricky: Why-why bother?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If they-if they can't see...Just give-give-give us the award, and then worry about it later and we won't let 'em down. Now they've got, they've got blood on their hands. We're gonna *burble* what-what shall we do? Give it a month's, couple of month's notice?

Steve: I think so.

Ricky: Okay, well, there you go.

Steve: I mean seriously, I mean because I think we've run our-

Ricky: Well I am being ser-I'm not being wacky now, erm, well I haven't told Andrew but uh-

Steve: I think we've run our course with this show.

Ricky: Yep yeah. So let's, let's-okay-we'll give it a month and it's because the Sonys didn't give us anything. Play a record. There you go.

Karl: Well you gotta do a bit longer than that.

Ricky: No we haven't, gotta give a month's notice.

Karl: No you gotta work till about September if your're gonna...

Ricky: No we haven't. No we can give a month's notice. We-you know-whatever they-give the money back or summat. We-we-

Steve: Well hang on.

Ricky: Well-

Steve: Well you give your money back.

Ricky: Yeah I know. What are you-what are you gonna spend your 80 quid on?

Steve: Ha ha, true!

Song: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - By The Way

I Hope Sony are Happy

Ricky: By The Way - Red Hot Chilli Peppers on XFM 104.9. So, few more shows-

Steve: And then that's it.

Ricky: I-I-I hope Sony are happy.

Steve: mm

Ricky: They should encourage-you know, we've only been in radio, you know, couple of years...

Steve: Exactly!

Ricky: tryin...

Steve: They should encoura young-encourage young talent like you.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Instead of giving it to Radio 1 and Radio 2 and...

Steve: Mm, the old warhorses. We've just had a quick email I wonder if you could answer this. It's James from NWL an he says: "Ricky is Karl gonna be on this week's show? Please let me know as I may listen if he's not."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Erm-

Ricky: Aw.

Steve: Sadly he is here.

Ricky: Oh dear.

Steve: I mean people are already turning against you Karl cos they've seen what's happened.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I think they've probably realised that we've sort of *inaudible*

Ricky: I think we gave you too much. I think -exactly- I think we got a spoiled sort of kid on our hands. It's sort of like, you know...We-we knew- we knew how bad he was but we were tryin to sort of bring him out of his shell a little bit.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Encourage- you gotta encourage sort of, erm, children like Karl...

Steve: Well yeah exactly, exactly.

Ricky: To sort of...fend for themselves.

Ricky: Erm, but eh, I like the fact that Dickie Anderson had that wonderful rant-I mean it was an articulate email, it was quite long, and he must have typed it immediately. I'm thinking, because he's a fan of the show and he-he thinks I'm, you know, a genius...We need a PA-

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Don't we?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: D'you reckon he'd come and work for us?

Steve: Erm, well he can't be any worse than what we've already got.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Dunno

Steve: Erm, you know...

Ricky: So, there you go then, we're giving up radio. We're gonna concentrate on television. Karl's probably gonna go back to what? Your little, just doing your sound...

Karl: Well, the thing I won a silver for at the Sonys. Funny that innit?

Steve: Oh you won a silver did you?

Karl: I got a silver yeah.

Steve: Oh yeah what was that for?

Karl: For doin, for doin the proper job that I do here in the week.

Ricky: Well no there's two of you for a start.

Karl: Yeah, well there's three of us, can't even get a bronze. Now who's the weak link?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Well...

Karl: Bit weird innit?

Ricky: Let's get-let's-let's get-let's not argue-we haven't got many shows to do.

Steve: To be fair though, this-this show is-I think it's more to do with the fact that you talk on this show that has brought us down.

Karl: Right I haven't said anything hardly today.

Steve: No, well this is an award-winning show potentially.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: We'll add this one in for next year. Aw...

Steve: If you could just keep schtum, we might have a chance.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Well, coming up, right, Karl-

Steve: Let's put it behind us.

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Let's draw a line under it.

Ricky: Erm, we had a meeting yesterday. We thought we'd better, you know, for the last few shows, plan it a little bit. And me and Steve came up with a great idea: we're gonna offer Karl money to do stuff.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Erm.

Steve: That's the quality of the ideas, on this-

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And erm, uh, I've bought some money in *burbles* little stuff cos we had him- we had him showering with our mate Johnny for a thousand pounds yesterday, didn't we?

Steve: Yeah we just got into a discussion and then one of us suggested that how much would it cost us-

Ricky sniggers

Steve: -to pay you Karl to have a shower with another man? Not-there's nothing gonna-going on-

Ricky: You don't-no, no, there's nothing going on, you just, you're just in a shower, normal shower, you're just watching each-washing each other, having-er, not-not each other, just yourselves-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You're just having a chat.

Steve: You're just washing each other.

Ricky: Right yeah.

Steve: Yeah washing yourselves.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Having a shower.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But it's a regular shower in a- in a regular house, it's not a shower in a swimming pool.

Ricky: And he-and he went fine, he got-we got-he got a thousand pounds out of it, he wouldn't do 900, he got a thousand pounds out-but then, we said an we'll have to watch to make sure you do it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he went no that's weird.

Steve: He wouldn't do it!

Ricky: So...but why-why-why what's the-

Karl: Well this is what annoys me though right, the whole idea of oh what would you do? Right, a bit you missed out there-

Ricky: What?

Karl: When we started this chat saying oh I wonder what you'd do for money it did start off with would you rub Dale Winton's neck? Would you give Dale Winton a massage for 20 quid?

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: No but yeah but it's you have to say no 500. You could-you got-we're trying to find out what your price is. What Price Karl is the name of the show. So-so, you'd-would you give erm, uh, Dale Winton just eh- he's got a knot, he's got a bit of a knot, he's stressed, he's been doing Supermarket Sweep, and he's furious, one of the contestants was answering back, calling him names, and he's got-he's got all knots in his neck. You just put your fin-just give him a little bit of a-you know, five minutes.

Steve: A little neck massage.

Ricky: How much would you do that for?

Steve: He's naked, and it's just a little neck massage.

Ricky: Nothing-there's nothing going on-there's like-

Karl: See there you go-

Steve: You're naked aswell. It's just the two of you naked giving him a little massage.

Karl: He's naked, I-I-

Ricky: No, no, seriously, would you-would you give him, erm, okay, would you-would you give me a foot massage?

Karl: For how much?

Ricky: Well that's-

Steve: Well that's *inaudible*

Ricky: What-what's your price?

Karl: And what are the rules though? Can I wear gloves?

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no, just-just, you know...Let's start off simple: would you take off my shoes and socks?

Karl: Eh for-for...I'd do it for like, 50 quid.

Steve: That's-you gotta *inaudible*

Ricky: Okay, okay, alright: 20 quid to take off one shoe and one sock, but like you mean it. You just take the shoe off, you go-like that and as you're pulling down my sock, you pull the sock *burble* you look me in the eyes and go what lovely ankles.

Steve: Seriously how much? What price?

Karl: Eh, 20 quid a foot.

Ricky: 20 quid a foot.

Steve: That's gotta be worth 50.

Ricky: So, so 20 quid, you will take off my-erm, we'll put on some soft music...Right.

Ricky harmonises 'soft music'

Steve chuckles

Ricky: You d-

Karl: I don't-I don't need it today. That's-that's what I was saying to you yesterday.

Steve: You always need it.

Karl: D'you know what I mean?

Steve: You always need it.

Karl: No you don't.

Steve: Everyone needs cash.

Karl: At the moment I'm quite happy.

Steve: Give it to a homeless person, give it to a charity.

Karl: Well get him iin here.

Steve: Donate it to charity.

Ricky: Wu-wu-are you still gonna shower with Jonny for a thousand pounds?

Karl: Not now, because you said and me and Steve are just gonna stand in the corner and-and watch.

Ricky: Well we've got to make sure you do it. You might go in there and just like wet your hair and come out, pay Johnny 500 quid and go yeah we had a shower. How will we know?

Steve: Sorry I'm quite interesting about the shoe and sock.

Ricky: I-I-I'm back to the-I'm back to the shower. You just have to wash yourselves and-we have to inspect that it's really clean cos we want you to wash certain parts really...

Karl: Right well why-why have you both got to be in there then? Why are you both watchin-

Ricky: Well no just one of us. Can we just take-I mean-yeah-or-can-can Steve film it?

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: As evidence. Just as evidence.

Ricky: Or we'll-I tell you what, we'll leave the DV camera in there. We-neither of us to be in there and then we can just watch the video-

Ricky creases up with laughter

Steve: Yeah-

Karl: Are you a couple of benders?

Steve: Well I should be in-are we?

Karl: Are you a couple of benders?

Steve: No.

Ricky:

• through laughter* play a record.

Steve: No. But can we-can we discuss further the taking of the shoe and the sock cos I think there's 20 pounds in-I'm willing to pay 20 pounds to see that.

Song: Coldplay - In My Place

Just Like Workin in a Shoe Shop

Song: Coldplay - In My Place

Ricky: See, a little surprise for you there, that's uh-uh Coldplay here, they're live through there, thanks um-Can they hear me? Can they hear me? Um, uh, yeah, brilliant. D'you wanna-d'you wanna say a few words? D'you wanna say hello?

Steve: Yes, uh I'll have a quick word with Chris, ah lead singer Chris: Chris, good to have you here.

Ricky: (as 'Chris Martin') Hullo.

Steve: An um,,um, how's it going with Gwyneth Paltrow?

Ricky: Brilliant, yes, she's a lovely lady.

Steve: Yeah, no, I thought so yeah. I saw her in Shakespeare In love. I thought she was good.

Ricky: She's good in that in't she?

Steve: If you would pass that on to her, just say I enjoyed that.

Ricky: I will yeah.

Steve: Um, um, it's going alright: you gonna get married to her or what's happening?

Ricky: Yes, oh, I marry either her or that Julia Roberts woman.

Steve: Good, yeah, either one is good. Um, um, I note you're on holiday at the moment in Hawaii, I read in the paper today.

Ricky: No, no.

Steve: You're actually here.

Ricky: I'm actually here.

Steve: Okay, um-

Ricky: Gotta go now, got to go.

Steve: Alright just a couple of quick questions.

Ricky: (as himself) See ya later Chris. (as Chris) Yes, see you Ricky. (as himself) So that's the sort of guests-

Steve: That's the calibre of guests. We're just *inaudible*

Ricky: Just like Jonathan Ross, we've got guests like Jonathan Ross. That's Coldplay just popped in.

Steve: Just popped in.

Ricky: So-

Steve: So if you're the Sony people listening, you wanna-

Ricky: Brilliant! And we've still got Karl to take off my sock for 20 quid. Okay, let's do it now. Let's just get over with and do it now.

Steve: Come on Karl. Let's get our cash out then Rick. There's ten pounds right there.

Ricky: Well, no-no-no-no-no, no you don't owe him cos he owes you ten, so I just have to pay him ten.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah. So-go on then, just take-

Karl: Not-not whilst Coldplay are here.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve chuckles

Steve: It's alright, they've-they've had to shoot off.

Ricky: Come on!

Karl: Nah, I don't wanna do it, let's leave it.

Ricky: Why not? Tell me why-

Karl: Cos we've been on now for half an hour and we haven't done anything yet.

Ricky: Okay, okay, well at the end of this, why won't you do it, it's ridiculous! You won't have a shower, you won't take me shoes and socks off, you won't do anything. You won't give Dale Winton a rubdown. What will you do for Chrissakes?

Karl: I don't wanna-I don't wanna do-say if me Man and Dad are like-have heard about how well I'm doing in London.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, they've heard about, y'now, the Sony awards and that, they're talking to their mates, they're saying Karl's doing well for himself.

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: Let's have a listen to him on Sky.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: They're tuning in, I'm taking off socks for money.

Ricky: What's up with that?

Steve: That'll be the first time that anyone in your family has actually made, you know, money, without stealing, thieving.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve:

• inaudible* It's the first honest money.

Ricky: It's honest-

Karl: Well let's just do it quick then because it's getting on me nerves.

Ricky laughs

Karl: It's actually annoying me.

Ricky: Excellent

Steve: Excellent, alright.

Karl: Well I'll give you the money Steve. I won't-

Steve: No-I-well-you-well he's just taken a tenner off me.

Ricky: Here you go.

Karl: I'll give you the tenner back.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Not like that-don't do it like that.

Steve: You've got-you've got to do it properly.

Ricky: No do it slowly, do it slowly.

Steve: That's right, just gently-I can't see what's happening.

Karl: It's just like I'm working in a shop, there's nothing normal. Right *inaudible*

Steve: Come on just get it done.

Ricky: What's that?

Karl: Why are you whistling?

Ricky: Why are you whistling? What's the whistling?

Karl: Someone-sort that out, I can't believe-

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Okay now do it properly, gently.

Ricky: Yeah-

Steve: It's a sweaty trainer, which just makes it all the more...Just gently caress it, caress it.

Karl: There's someone watching in the office look-

Steve: Caress it, caress it there-now just gently ease the sh-

Karl: Right just like working in a shoe shop, there's nothing-nothing weird about it.

Steve: Just gently ease down.

Ricky: I'm gonna burst.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: I'm gonna burst.

Steve: Alright, now just-now come on, gently do it, don't just rip it off.

Ricky:

• inaudible*

Steve: Slowly, slowly, tease it, tease it.

Ricky: (through laughter) I don't like this. I just wasted a tenner and I wasn't enjoying it at all.

Steve: Now wait-now wait a minute, you've got to say-

Ricky: Say-say something nice about my ankle.

Steve: You've got to say- Say you've got lovely toes and I love your ankle.

Karl: You got nice toes an that.

Steve: Well say it properly.

Ricky: I don't like it anymore!

Steve: Do it-eh, you've got to say-you've got-you've got to say for the tenner otherwise we're taking it back, you've got to say what lovely ankles you've got, but in a sweet seductive voice.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Right you've got nice ankles.

Steve: That is not how you would seduce a woman.