Karl Pilkington Quotes By Date

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What am I thinking?

This a collection of opinions and quotes from Karl Pilkington listed by date
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23 February 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“It’s weird that they’ve only found ‘im, 'cause he’s the Tallest Man...”
-Xfm 23 February 2002

“I woke up the other night, quite late, and I said to me girlfriend, I said, ‘How do you put a snake down?’”
-Xfm 23 February 2002

02 March 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“The Tudors? I don't even know if I had a family back then.”
-Xfm 02 March 2002

09 March 2002 (Xfm series 1)

"And he (Che Guevara) uh, he saw all this bad goin’ on in the world, and he thought, Aw. This is bad this."
-Xfm 09 March 2002

“Mrs Matthews said to me mam and dad that [I'd never be a high flier] - and that was after I played the drums in Little Donkey.”
-Xfm 09 March 2002

16 March 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“Well that's my job, but unfortunately I'm busy reading about Hitler”
-Xfm 16 March 2002

“And she was cryin’ cos someone had stood on her dress and put a bit of a hole in it, and I said, 'Oh, for God’s sake…'”
-Xfm 16 March 2002

23 March 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“I went down to Kelloggs, saw me sisters boyfriend there at the time, he sorted me out with some variety packs.”
-Xfm 23 March 2002

“I nearly got mugged, but I tried this technique of acting a bit mental.”
-Xfm 23 March 2002

06 April 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“You got any fromage?”
-Xfm 06 April 2002

13 April 2002 (Xfm series 1)

"You see, I'm using me fables."
-Xfm 13 April 2002

“If you're ever caught in the jungle, always carry some bit of danish.”
-Xfm 13 April 2002

“I don't check my balls, I don't like the feel.”
-Xfm 13 April 2002

“Cat food. It stinks a bit, but…if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.”
-Xfm 13 April 2002

"I mean look at that man in Forrest Gump, he was a bit of a nutter..."
-Xfm 13 April 2002

27 April 2002 (Xfm series 1)

"I was like, looking on the websites, to see how much badness there is down in the tubes."
-Xfm 27 April 2002

"She boiled her brain."
-Xfm 27 April 2002

"I prefer not to go [to doctors], cos he might, I always worry that, especially with cancer and things, that they'll go, you know, I'll go there with a sore leg or something and they'll go 'no, your legs fine, but look at this we've found in your head.'"
-Xfm 27 April 2002

04 May 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“A hairdresser once said to me, ‘You’ve got the hair of a Chinaman.’”
-Xfm 04 May 2002

"The best bit was, it was also like a proper talent show where you do it all, so I did like the dancing and the miming, I also did a bit of magic, where I had like a cloth, right and I had it over my hand like that, and the crowd were like 'ooh, god, what's he's gonna do?'"
-Xfm 04 May 2002

24 August 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“The fact that it was three different people hassling him about a fire that didn't happen, about a wife that didn't exist and a cat that didn't look happy.”
-Xfm 24 August 2002

“Man moths?”
-Xfm 24 August 2002

12 October 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“So I'm walking along, and everything's good. There's a woman feeding fish bread and I thought ‘That's different.’”
-Xfm 12 October 2002

“Hairy Chinese Kid. Right while we talked about hairy people in the past... But the weird thing is, right, Chinese people aren't that hairy, as a nation. No seriously, that's a well known fact. They don't have much body hair and stuff. So this little kid who was born over there, he was like covered in the stuff. And it was only his nose that wasn't hairy, the rest of his body was caked in hair.”
-Xfm 12 October 2002

02 November 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“It can happen. If you go to Argentina and have a steak, you can wake up with breasts.”
-Xfm 02 November 2002

16 November 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“I read something about they get rid of him next week cuz of his attitude. And first time I read it I thought he actually ate someone's hat.”
-Xfm 16 November 2002

30 November 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“Well, let's do the jellyfish first, then we'll move on to the Scousers.”
-Xfm 30 November 2002

“We did get a bronze. But this year, we introduced Rockbusters... things will be changin'.”
-Xfm 30 November 2002

11 January 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“We've talked a lot about hairy kids ...”
-Xfm 11 January 2003

18 January 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Suzanne says to me, 'Do you love me?' - I go, 'Yeah, you're all right.'”
-Xfm 18 January 2003

“(on a tumour on a woman's backside) It only turns out it's a pork chop that she sat on, five years earlier and it had stuck to her buttock.”
-Xfm 18 January 2003

08 February 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“We talk about a lot of things on the show a lot. The hairy kids crop up a lot.”
-Xfm 08 February 2003

08 March 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Sorry I'm not in today, but I'm not well and that. Err, no more Rockbusters. I think that's what's affected me, it's got me down a bit. But err, the doctor said I'll, I'll be uh, back, swingin' on me tyre in no time.”
-Xfm 08 March 2003

15 March 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“What I've done is, taken a popular saying from the show, something that crops up quite a lot in the show. The first thing that sprang to mind was 'There's this hairy Chinese kid'...”
-Xfm 15 March 2003

22 March 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Newton said about the apple, I did Rockbusters.”
-Xfm 22 March 2003

05 April 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“I can't! I physically can't! Look... I'd have to be Jade Goody to get that in there!”
-Xfm 05 April 2003

12 April 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“It's difficult to keep it serious when I'm saying 'I'm sick of you putting a Burger King bag on me head.' There's part of me that's like, 'I can't believe we're doing this.'”
-Xfm 12 April 2003

10 May 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Are you a coupla benders?”
-Xfm 10 May 2003

17 May 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“When you're a kid, I remember really loving going to bed. There was one time where I actually laughed myself to sleep, 'cause I couldn't believe me luck.”
-Xfm 17 May 2003

28 June 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“This has got a bit heavy. Can we do Cheeky Freak of the Week?”
-Xfm 28 June 2003

12 July 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“I bet Jesus swore.”
-Xfm 12 July 2003

19 July 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“There wasn't a rally going on! Normally, with some of the other players, they're playing for ages. None of that. It was just like, 'Hit it, net'. I just thought, ‘Give 'em a game of swingball or something.’”
-Xfm 19 July 2003

09 August 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Excuse me Miss, can you just lift your left tit up so I can see the belt?”
-Xfm 09 August 2003

16 August 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“There's too many words.”
-Xfm 16 August 2003

01 November 2003 (Xfm series 3)

“I'm happy when I'm not fed up.”
-Xfm 01 November 2003

29 November 2003 (Xfm series 3)

“Well yeah, I thought, 'What's the point in spending time with her, spending money on her and stuff and then she's gonna die on me.'”
-Xfm 29 November 2003

“If it's weird, it helps.”
-Xfm 29 November 2003

“Suzanne's always saying she'd like to hear tiny feet running 'round the flat. I just said, Let's just get a little midget cleaner.”
-Xfm 29 November 2003

06 December 2003 (Xfm series 3)

“In a way I don't get it, and if I think about it too much, it hurts a bit.”
-Xfm 06 December 2003

10 January 2004 (Xfm series 3)

“If it's all about arse, why don't gays like a little bit of tit?”
-Xfm 10 January 2004

04 June 2005 (Xfm series 4)

“It's the way they've also said they've got new pope. He's hardly new, is he.”
-Xfm 04 June 2005

11 June 2005 (Xfm series 4)

“Well, forget the under-arm hair...It looked like she was smuggling seaweed.”
-Xfm 11 June 2005

18 June 2005 (Xfm series 4)

“Like right now, I'm sat here with my jeans on, I don't know where I am.”
-Xfm 18 June 2005

05 December 2005 (Podcast Series 1, Episode One)

"We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

"By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

"You know how they say people have six senses? There's loads more than that. [The ability to feel someone looking at you], that's been around since man and dinosaur were knockin' about."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

"Just pop it on your wrist." - Ricky asks Karl how his 'invention' of a watch that counts down your life would actually work.
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 1

12 December 2005 (Podcast Series 1, Episode Two)

On sex- "It serves a purpose."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

On homosexuals- "They're more up for a bit more experimentation an' that"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

"I was walking past a sex shop an' that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o'clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

"I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They rip their knickers off. The fellas rip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right: before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 2

19 December 2005 (Podcast Series 1, Episode Three)

"Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"At what point is a wasp ever going to have chat with a spider?"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"I could eat a knob at night."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

"You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go "alright? How's it going?". You get on an' that and then a little baby will come out."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 3

26 December 2006 (Podcast Series 1, Episode Four)

"Don't be chucking that out. You might need that later" - Karl interprets the phrase "Waste not, want not".
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

"Then you got the goat going "What am I doin' 'ere'?"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

"You're never gonna believe this. Homeless. Chinese Fella. I've never seen one of them."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 4

02 January 2006 (Podcast Series 1, Episode Five)

"How far away are these 'Papa People'?"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

[Speaking of tribes and Inuits] "I think there is some bacteria that has better lives than that."
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

"Even Cavemen had little pants on"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

"I'll tell you what, it's me birthday coming up. I'll tell you what.. you know what I'd love, some old Russian wood"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

On Hurricane Katrina "When that wind happened"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 5

09 January 2006 (Podcast Series 1, Episode Six)

"If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about." - Karl interprets the phrase "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door" - Karl invents his own phrase based on "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

"Whoop, there's an elephant in the room"
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 6

16 January 2006 (Podcast Series 1, Episode Seven)

"You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad" - Karl re-evaluates the phrase "A stitch in time saves nine".
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 7

"Suzanne repairs my stuff anyway." - Why the phrase 'a stitch in time saves nine' means nothing to Karl.
-Podcast Series 1 Episode 7

27 February 2006 (Podcast Series 2, Episode One)

On art - "Stop looking at the walls, look out the window."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

On identical twins - "You always get a little snidey one."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

On dopplegangers - "How would I know which one I was?"
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 1

07 March 2006 (Podcast Series 2, Episode Two)

"I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book'"
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

On seeing an ultrasound picture- "It was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like 'Oh God'. It was an odd looking thing. I couldn't say 'Oh, it looks like you' because that would be a dis."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

On jellyfish - "They are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 2

14 March 2006 (Podcast Series 2, Episode Three)

"We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

"It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep"
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

On seals - "Its between a fish and a dog."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

"Could the world fall?"
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 3

21 March 2006 (Podcast Series 2, Episode Four)

"At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 4

On chameleons - "Stay green. Stay in the woods. Stay safe."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 4

28 March 2006 (Podcast Series 2, Episode Five)

"The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Get on with it".
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 5

"Treat the world like a head".
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 5

04 April 2006 (Podcast Series 2, Episode Six)

"Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

On octopuses - "When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

"I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'." - Karl tells Ricky his response to being killed by an octopus.
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

"You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge."
-Podcast Series 2 Episode 6

14 August 2006 (3 Minute Wonder, Ep. 1)

"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

"It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 1

15 August 2006 (3 Minute Wonder, Ep. 2)

"I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 2

17 August 2006 (3 Minute Wonder, Ep. 4)

"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it tight?"
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

"They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle... get it locked up."
-3 Minute Wonder, Episode 4

29 August 2006 (Podcast Series 3, Episode Two)

"That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog."
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 2

"In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock."
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 2

05 September 2006 (Podcast Series 3, Episode Three)

"A dog has got human eyes."
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 3

26 September 2006 (Podcast Series 3, Episode Six)

"I've met a few little people in my time. I met a little fella once and he was alright. He got drunk really quick, err, but he was alright. But it took me by surprise -like I've said about when I met Steve for the first time, it's only that same thing, then if we lived together I'm sure we'd get on a storm"
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 6

On the possibility of meeting Warwick Davis- "The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."
-Podcast Series 3 Episode 6