31 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 31 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

You're Lucky I'm Here, Steve

Ricky: “Out of Time” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I really like that Blur track. I think it’s the best thing they’ve ever done.

Steve: Blimey!

Ricky: So--

Steve: Strong words.

Ricky: They can quote me on that if they want.

Steve: (laughing) Yes.

Ricky: On their, on their--

Steve: I’m sure they’ll have to.

Ricky: On their, uh, you know--

Steve: On their posters.

Ricky: One of their albums.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If they wanted. Well, listen. You’re lucky I’m here, Steve. Right?

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: I’m- you can see- you know, you know something’s happened. I’ve done me back in again.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Alright? I’ve-I’ve got a special chair in here. I’m in…agony.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I’m on the strongest pain killers I can get.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Uh, I feel a bit- right. Karl- I had to call Karl up today and say, “Look, I don’t know if I can make it in. Can you come and get me?” He came over to my house. We got in a cab and he got me here. Right? Um, while he was ‘round my house, uh, Jane showed him, um, sort of, camcorder footage of how I actually did it.

Steve: Of how you hurt your back?

Ricky: And, uh, I-I wanted Karl to tell you cause I was actually worried if I didn’t turn up, what you’d say to me.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: What-what-what was I doing, Karl?

Karl: Right, so. I get ‘round to his place, right? Says, “Right. Hit play on the video.” Right? Uh, have you ever seen…a gorilla having a fight?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Uh, I think I have, yeah. Yeah.

Karl: It’s like that. Him and his mate ‘round at his place last night. Decided to, sort of, have a bit of a wrestle.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Um… it went on- I mean, how much footage--

Ricky: Honestly, it was like a scene from “Women in Love.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, we’d had about five fights. We had to stop at one point cause his arm was bleeding.

Steve: You’d had about five fights?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, we were wrestling. We were doing wrestling, right, in ff- the ff-- just behind the couch.

Steve: What, in the lounge?

Ricky: Yeah! Well, we were on our knees and then, sort of, like, (unknown) ‘round, you know and I kept, I kept winning with an arm lock. Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And then the last time, right, he sort of threw me and I- on my- I went on my back and my back was done. And I was, you know. It was Iain Morris.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Who’s, uh, you know.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah. Now isn’t he a, um--

Ricky: Commissioning editor at Channel--

Steve: Isn’t he a commissioning editor of comedy at Channel 4?

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. And, uh, the funny thing was that we-we’d had lots and lots of wine and we ran around--

Steve: You surprise me.

Ricky: Yeah, right. And we were going, “Come on, come on, come on. Take- film this.” Um, the time we film- I said, “Film this.” Jane went, “Ohh,” right? And (laughing) I took my shirt off!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Right there and you could just hear slapping! Oh, God.

Steve: Why- can I just ask, though, I mean, it’s a Friday night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, you had a couple drinks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, there’s some intellectual conversation.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How does it get around to, “Do you fancy wrestling me?”

Ricky: Well, I’m-I’m--

Steve: “And having it filmed?”

Ricky: Well, I was- he was on the couch, but I kept sticking my socks in his face to annoy him.

Steve: (laughing) Sure.

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And then he-he hit me on the shin and I got sharp shins. And it hurt. And I was going, “I’m going to smack your face in.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He’s done kickboxing and it’s that thing like you sort of joke and they go, “Come on, then.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And you start- have you ever seen anything when Jack Osbourne fights that skater dude--

Steve: No, I haven’t seen it.

Ricky: On the “Osbournes?” I was very much the Jack Osbourne figure.

Steve: Right, yeah. The fat bloke’s the guy who just came out of rehab.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I’ll tell ya what it was like, Steve. Have you ever seen, like, the David Attenborough stuff?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Where, like, a tiger will be ripping a deer’s head off and you think, “Why doesn’t the camera crew stop it?”

Steve: Yes, yeah.

Karl: You’re sort of watching, thinking, “Why was Jane just letting this happen?”

Steve: Why is she not stepping in and intervening? Yeah.

Karl: And the thing is she said, “Right, you’ve seen enough, haven’t you?” and stopped it so I don’t know how much footage you’ve got.

Ricky: (laughing) It wasn’t much! Wasn’t much.

Steve: But can I- cause your lounge is not huge and there’s not much space between the-the-the back of the sofa and the table.

Ricky: I- it doesn’t need- it was just, it was just, uh, a pin or a submission, so it was- it was all over with, like, one of us throwing the other on their back, arm locked.

Steve: How does this- I mean, how do you start with a wrestling match? Are you both stood up or are you--

Ricky: No, on your knees and you, sort of, like, go together (laughing) like rutting steers.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Oh, dear.

Steve: Like a giant walrus.

Ricky: It’s not gay. Play a record.

Song: Rod Stewart- Maggie May begins

Steve: Can we put that online?

Ricky giggles

Steve: Can we get that on the web? That-that I would love to see.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Bit of Rod Stewart?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Song: Rod Stewart- Maggie May