31 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 31 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

You're Lucky I'm Here, Steve

Ricky: “Out of Time” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I really like that Blur track. I think it’s the best thing they’ve ever done.

Steve: Blimey!

Ricky: So--

Steve: Strong words.

Ricky: They can quote me on that if they want.

Steve: (laughing) Yes.

Ricky: On their, on their--

Steve: I’m sure they’ll have to.

Ricky: On their, uh, you know--

Steve: On their posters.

Ricky: One of their albums.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If they wanted. Well, listen. You’re lucky I’m here, Steve. Right?

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: I’m- you can see- you know, you know something’s happened. I’ve done me back in again.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Alright? I’ve-I’ve got a special chair in here. I’m in…agony.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I’m on the strongest pain killers I can get.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Uh, I feel a bit- right. Karl- I had to call Karl up today and say, “Look, I don’t know if I can make it in. Can you come and get me?” He came over to my house. We got in a cab and he got me here. Right? Um, while he was ‘round my house, uh, Jane showed him, um, sort of, camcorder footage of how I actually did it.

Steve: Of how you hurt your back?

Ricky: And, uh, I-I wanted Karl to tell you cause I was actually worried if I didn’t turn up, what you’d say to me.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: What-what-what was I doing, Karl?

Karl: Right, so. I get ‘round to his place, right? Says, “Right. Hit play on the video.” Right? Uh, have you ever seen…a gorilla having a fight?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Uh, I think I have, yeah. Yeah.

Karl: It’s like that. Him and his mate ‘round at his place last night. Decided to, sort of, have a bit of a wrestle.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Um… it went on- I mean, how much footage--

Ricky: Honestly, it was like a scene from “Women in Love.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, we’d had about five fights. We had to stop at one point cause his arm was bleeding.

Steve: You’d had about five fights?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, we were wrestling. We were doing wrestling, right, in ff- the ff-- just behind the couch.

Steve: What, in the lounge?

Ricky: Yeah! Well, we were on our knees and then, sort of, like, (unknown) ‘round, you know and I kept, I kept winning with an arm lock. Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And then the last time, right, he sort of threw me and I- on my- I went on my back and my back was done. And I was, you know. It was Iain Morris.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Who’s, uh, you know.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah. Now isn’t he a, um--

Ricky: Commissioning editor at Channel--

Steve: Isn’t he a commissioning editor of comedy at Channel 4?

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. And, uh, the funny thing was that we-we’d had lots and lots of wine and we ran around--

Steve: You surprise me.

Ricky: Yeah, right. And we were going, “Come on, come on, come on. Take- film this.” Um, the time we film- I said, “Film this.” Jane went, “Ohh,” right? And (laughing) I took my shirt off!

Steve laughs

Ricky: Right there and you could just hear slapping! Oh, God.

Steve: Why- can I just ask, though, I mean, it’s a Friday night.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, you had a couple drinks.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, there’s some intellectual conversation.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: How does it get around to, “Do you fancy wrestling me?”

Ricky: Well, I’m-I’m--

Steve: “And having it filmed?”

Ricky: Well, I was- he was on the couch, but I kept sticking my socks in his face to annoy him.

Steve: (laughing) Sure.

Ricky: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And then he-he hit me on the shin and I got sharp shins. And it hurt. And I was going, “I’m going to smack your face in.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He’s done kickboxing and it’s that thing like you sort of joke and they go, “Come on, then.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And you start- have you ever seen anything when Jack Osbourne fights that skater dude--

Steve: No, I haven’t seen it.

Ricky: On the “Osbournes?” I was very much the Jack Osbourne figure.

Steve: Right, yeah. The fat bloke’s the guy who just came out of rehab.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I’ll tell ya what it was like, Steve. Have you ever seen, like, the David Attenborough stuff?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Where, like, a tiger will be ripping a deer’s head off and you think, “Why doesn’t the camera crew stop it?”

Steve: Yes, yeah.

Karl: You’re sort of watching, thinking, “Why was Jane just letting this happen?”

Steve: Why is she not stepping in and intervening? Yeah.

Karl: And the thing is she said, “Right, you’ve seen enough, haven’t you?” and stopped it so I don’t know how much footage you’ve got.

Ricky: (laughing) It wasn’t much! Wasn’t much.

Steve: But can I- cause your lounge is not huge and there’s not much space between the-the-the back of the sofa and the table.

Ricky: I- it doesn’t need- it was just, it was just, uh, a pin or a submission, so it was- it was all over with, like, one of us throwing the other on their back, arm locked.

Steve: How does this- I mean, how do you start with a wrestling match? Are you both stood up or are you--

Ricky: No, on your knees and you, sort of, like, go together (laughing) like rutting steers.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Oh, dear.

Steve: Like a giant walrus.

Ricky: It’s not gay. Play a record.

Song: Rod Stewart- Maggie May begins

Steve: Can we put that online?

Ricky giggles

Steve: Can we get that on the web? That-that I would love to see.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Bit of Rod Stewart?

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Song: Rod Stewart- Maggie May

Are You Allowed To Use Email?

Ricky: Stewart. “May.”

Steve laughs

Steve: Indeed! You need say no more. If people don’t know what it is from that information, forget ‘em.

Ricky: X! Gervais, Merchant, Pilk.

Steve: (laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: Exactly. Rick, I was out last night in the Crouch End area. And I passed a- I always- things upset me like this. It was a restaurant. It was a little French restaurant.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But you barely noticed it. You walked past. It was like a row of houses and a little French restaurant there. Open, it was kind of summer-y.

Ricky: Bistro.

Steve: No one in there, Rick. It was about ten to ten.

Ricky: You’re joking?

Steve: I’m thinking if no one’s in there ten to ten on a Friday evening, it’s doomed. And it really upset me. It genuinely upset me because I always think about the little French guy in there. He, you know, he’s put all his money into that.

Ricky: Rène.

Steve: He’s convinced his wife to do it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, she’s not convinced, but she’s a great cook.

Ricky: Eve.

Steve: Exactly. And it’s already going down the pan.

Ricky: D’you know why? You don’t want French food on a hot summer’s night, you want Mexican food.

Steve: (laughing) Indeed. Some kind of Tapas.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But, um--

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: But then I was- cause we were just discussing other things that upset us and, uh, I glimpsed--

Ricky: War.

Steve: Well, true. Obviously, war. I mean, obviously, I started with war--

Ricky: Famine.

Steve: Famine.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Disease.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: SARS, that sort of thing.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: And then, uh, then it came down the list to, uh, worried about people who manufacture fax machines.

Ricky: Why, cause the technology--

Steve: Well, are they--

Ricky: Moving on?

Steve: I mean, if you want to- say you’re making fax machines. You’re a little company, you make fax machines.

Ricky: A little what?

Steve: A little company.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Steve: You’re making fax machines. Are you allowed to use e-mail?

Ricky: What, like if you work for Coke you’re not allowed to drink Pepsi publicly?

Steve: Exactly. It just seems like I’m-I’m assuming--

Ricky: The thing is--

Steve: Fax machine sales are plummeting.

Ricky: Now, the thing is, right? This is it. Now, I haven’t got a fax machine. You’re right, I’ve got e-mail, but I much prefer a fax.

Steve: Why?

Ricky: Cause you get it. It comes out the other- it comes out the other side!

Steve: Yeah, but--

Ricky: D’you know what I mean? It is--

Steve: But the thing is--

Ricky: It is what they’ve sent, that’s what’s great about a fax.

Steve: But you can print off your e-mail, can’t you, and then you’ve got it in hard copy.

Ricky: Well, I don‘t know.

Steve: It’s sort of instant.

Ricky: I don’t look at the e-mails. A fax comes out, it’s there. It goes- it’s like someone putting a little Post-it on your face. D’you know what I mean? You go, “Oh, yeah. I’ll read that.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Whereas e-mail, you’ve got e-mail. “Ugh.” You know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah. No, I- but what worries me is whether fax- I’m assuming fax machines are just- I mean, I don’t know if there’s anyone listening who works, maybe, for a fax machine--

Ricky: 08700 800 1234! If you’re in the fax industry, give us a call! Tell us, uh, you know, what sort of, sort of figures.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You know.

Steve: Exactly, yeah.

Ricky: We want “down seventeen percent,” something like that.

Steve: (laughing) Something like that. That’s good stats.

Ricky: “In the southwest.”

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Those are the kind of stats--

Ricky: Um, but, uh, you’ve got a- do you have fax machines yet in the north, Karl?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, do- you’re loving it, innit ya?

Karl: I like getting letters.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Well, no one sends letters anymore, do they?

Ricky: You like getting a scroll from a man on a horse.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Saying you’re--

Steve: When do you get letters?

Karl: To- me mam still sends me the odd letter.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Even though I call, she’ll still- she-she likes sitting down at a table and--

Ricky: Yeah. So what, you call and ask some questions. There’s no reply and then you get a letter a day letter, going--

Steve: (laughing) Yeah, about three weeks later.

Ricky: “Question one: yes, I am well!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Question two: yes, your father’s well.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, it’s nice, though, innit?

Ricky: Yeah, a letter’s nice.

Steve: It’s nice to receive a letter, yeah. It’s always nice to receive a letter.

Ricky: Particularly if, like, you know, you're on a, sort of, expedition.

Steve: Ha!

Karl: But--

Ricky: Innit?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: What does annoy me, though. You-you were looking at ‘em the other day. You know, you were talking about the pictures on ‘em. Postcards.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Don’t like them.

Steve: You don’t like, you don’t like postcards?

Karl: No, they annoy me.

Steve laughs

Karl: And just-just because there’s never anything of any interest and the fact that, even though it’s been sent to you, you’re the last one to read it.

Ricky: I just- whenever I used to send my mum a postcard, uh, everyday I, uh- every time I sent her one, I’d horrify her by putting on it, “Having a lovely time. Um, does that pig of a postman still read all your letters?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: And she’d just be horrified. Just be terrified--

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: He’d looked at it or something.

Steve: This is what worries me. I’ve always assumed that people would read a postcard. If I was a postman, I’d definitely read a- every single postcard.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So if you’re on holiday, you know--

Ricky: What do you mean? How- you wouldn’t have a lot of time left if you read every postcard.

Steve: No, but af- as you’re posting them, as you were posting them through the letter box, you’d have a quick look, wouldn’t you, to see what was- what they’re up to. Because that’s why I never used to write anything of any interest on a postcard, cause I didn’t wanna, you know, I didn’t want anyone to, sort of, know what I was up to. Let’s say I was on a bawdy lads holiday, you know.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: I’d just write some, you know, “Nice. Sunny. You know, got meself a lovely pair of shorts.”

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Something like that. You know, I would- I’d keep the truth, Rick!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: For when I got home.

Ricky: Well, he’s looking forward to going on holiday now, Karl. Cause he’s got some prescription lens sunglasses, which we’ll be talking about that after the break.

Steve laughs

Karl: Bit of Darkness--

Steve: Look forward to that!

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. An amusing story about a man wearing glasses!

Song: The Darkness- Growing on Me

The Exact Ones Keanu Reeves Uses

Ricky: Oh ho! The Darkness, “Growing on Me.” It certainly is on Xfm 104.9.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Love those boys. Keep the guitar riffs up, lads.

Steve laughs

Ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchant--

Steve: Oh, it’s good to see that your back pain has not impaired your DJing abilities.

Ricky: Yeah, I know. I know. Well, I’m a professional.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I’m a ‘fessional.

Steve: Yeah, you’ve soldiered on.

Ricky: Yeah. Put the glasses on for Karl.

Steve: Well, see now- cause I wear glasses normally I, um…I’ve always had problems with glasses. The-the thing about glasses is it stops you from doing so many things and you prob- you may not realize this if you’re a non-glasses wearer. Certain things you could never do if you’re- like, for instance, I have never been able to--

Ricky: Volleyball.

Steve: Go into the mosh pit at a gig.

Ricky: Cause you’d lose your glasses.

Steve: And get carried above everyone--

Ricky laughs

Steve: You know when they carry you above everyone on their hands. Cause I-I knew someone would just--

Ricky: But you don’t need to. You can see from the back. That’s the good thing about you at a concert, you can actually stand at the back and--

Steve: No- well, indeed, but I’ve always wanted the thrill of at least being able to jump on the stage and do a stage dive and all the rest of it. So that’s one of the things I’ve missed out on. Missed out on, you know, sport, really, cause a lot of- boxing, for instance, I could never do. I could never do boxing. Never do wrestling!

Ricky giggles

Steve: So our big championship showdown is not going to happen.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um, and--

Ricky: We’d probably be the same weight category.

Steve: Well, possibly.

Ricky: Think you’ll reach?

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Um, I remember when I first got glasses. I-I only had to wear them occasionally. I was- I think I was, uh- it meant I couldn’t see things a long way away. And also I got ‘em, but I was at school and I was a bit self-conscious. Didn’t wanna really tell anyone I had glasses.

Ricky: Oh.

Steve: I just- I-I didn’t reveal to anyone I was wearing them. (laughing) So I used to a come into a cla- I remember being in science and we always sat in the same spot and it- I was sat right at the back and I couldn’t see what was on the blackboard. But I didn’t want to start- I didn’t want to put my glasses on cause I didn’t want people to know I had glasses so I, (laughing) so I couldn’t see what was being written on the board and you had to copy stuff down from the board, science equations, things like that. I had no idea. So I’d have to try and copy off someone next to me, but not- that wasn’t always possible cause I had to do it surreptitiously. So what I took to doing was sharpening my pencil (laughing) every, sort of, thirty-five seconds.

Ricky: Going up to the--

Steve: Going up, memorizing what was on the board and I got a D in sc- in science. So that’s--

Ricky: Oh, that’s awful, though.

Steve: It’s a big- it’s a tough thing, glasses. It really is--

Ricky: So it was, it was--

Steve: When you first start wearing, if you’re young.

Ricky: It was education versus vanity.

Steve: Yeah! It’s terrible, isn’t it?

Ricky: And now he’s think- he thinks, “Well, hold on.” He’s sorted out his hair. You can see his--

Steve: Stylish.

Ricky: Stylish hair, cause when I met him it was like, I mean…Worzel Gummidge. He won’t mind me saying that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: His glasses were, I mean…idiotic, what I meant and he’s got some stylish glasses now, so he’s sorted that out.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Um, his-his clothes- he’s quite a fashionable bloke and when I first met him I--

Steve: A nerd!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So it’s step by step and with these on I think you’ll agree. Pop ‘em on, Steve.

Steve: Well, you know, I don’t--

Ricky: And imagine him in the- on the beach, right?

Steve: Close your eyes, Karl. Are they closed? I can’t see. I’ve taken my glasses off.

Karl: Go on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: See, that’s the weird thing as well, innit?

Ricky: Yeah. There you go. What you laughing at? Look- what you laughing at, Karl? There’s nothing funny about those.

Steve: Stop smirking! I can see through them!

Ricky: Don’t forget, he can see. They’re not real sunglasses. They’re prescription lenses so he can see ya now.

Karl: You see, I-I never knew you had to do that with-with sunglasses. I didn’t think you had to have the--

Steve: Right. Yeah, when it’s bright outside, people who wear glasses don’t need to wear 'em.

Ricky: So they-they’re-they’re-they’re looking cool, but bumping into stuff!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: No, but if your eyes aren’t that good then the sun shouldn’t be bothering ‘em.

Ricky laughs

Karl: No, I always wondered about Roy Orbison. Why was he doing that?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Roy Orbison always had shades on, didn’t he, and he-he was blind an’ stuff. S’like, well…what’s the point of that?

Ricky: Well, because- I-I don’t- I mean, I don’t- I’m guessing- well I don’t even want to- I don’t want to--

Steve: What are you talking about?

Karl: Roy Orbison was blind, wasn’t he?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Was he? I thought he just had very, very bad vision.

Karl: No, I think he was a blind fellow.

Steve: I don’t think he was blind.

Karl: Was he not?

Steve: No, I think he had very poor vision.

Karl: Fair enough. Wear ‘em. Wear ‘em, you know.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: I don’t know what this conversation is anymore!

Steve: No, well, once again we’ve introduced Karl into the equation.

Ricky laughs

Steve: It’s just gone off a completely bizarre tangent.

Ricky: When I went- he went, “I’m going to go pick up my prescription lenses” and he went. We had to wait and, uh, the bloke came and said, uh, “Who’s it for?” “Um, uh, me.” “Oh, yeah, Mr. Merchant. Here they are” and as he was getting it out, I’m trying to embarrass Steve. I went to him, “They are the exact ones Keanu Reeves uses in ‘The Matrix,’ are they?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: And he went, “Uh what?” I went, “No, I’m jok- I‘m joking.” But, uh, yeah.

Steve: Tell you what frustrates me. Can I just say, as a glasses wearer, this is just a-a note to everyone out there who isn’t a glasses wearer. When people ask constantly to try on your glasses- “Can I try on your glasses?" and they try them on and they always say the same thing. “Oh! I can’t see a thing!” What were you expecting? X-ray vision!? No!

Ricky: Yeah, I know.

Steve: Don-don’t ask it--

Ricky: But I think--

Steve: If you’re a glasses wearer, you don’t want people asking to try on your glasses.

Ricky: But I think they don’t realize that--

Steve: What are you expecting!?

Ricky: By going, “Oh, God! Your eyesight’s bad.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s not like going- i-i-it, you know what I mean? It’s not like saying, “Let’s have a go with your callipers!”

Steve: Well, you know--

Ricky: And popping them on and going, “Bloody hell! You can’t walk very well.” It’s not--

Steve: But it’s a full-on disability, isn’t it?

Ricky: Well, yeah, but it’s a, it’s a- it’s one that doesn’t impair that much. It’s an inconvenience that you maybe have to put glasses on all the time--

Steve: Did I mention the mosh pit thing?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I know. But it’s not, yeah. But you-you’re not…you’re not, um, uh, what-what’s your vision? It’s just blurred, is it?

Steve: No, I can’t see anything. I’m- it’s really bad.

Ricky: Is it really?

Steve: It’s really bad, yeah. If I take my glasses off, you are just a blur. I see- now I can see nothing it’s just-just a couple of bald heads.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: And I know only one of you’s bald, so…

Ricky laughs

Ricky: You’re looking at Karl twice?

Steve: Yeah. Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah. Alright.

Steve: Is your vision 20/20?

Ricky: Well, there you go. That’s, uh, Steve’s eyes on Xfm. Next week, Ricky’s knees!

Steve laughs

Karl: Bit of vinyl?

Steve: Yeah, now listen. I want to mention this. This is from this new, um, Morrissey compilation. It’s a new series, I’m assuming a number of different rock stars are going to do it. It’s called “Under the Influence” and various, uh, rock stars get to choose. Lots of songs which grew up listening to and have influenced them. And this is from Morrissey. He’s the first person to do it and there’s some stuff on there which is, uh, a bit odd and a bit (unknown). There’s some stuff which is good and there’s, uh, Ramones on there and Nico and Patti Smith, but this is one of them. Obviously, famously, Morrissey was a member- he was- I think he was the president of the New York Dolls fan club in England and this is from there. This is “Trash.”

Song: The New York Dolls- Trash

Don't Call In

Steve: The New York Dolls, “Trash,” from this new, uh, compilation “Under the Influence,” uh, compiled by Morrissey.

Ricky: Are they the original punk band at 08700 800 1234.

Steve: Well everyone knows they are, so--

Ricky: We want your calls. No, we don’t. We don’t want your calls.

Steve: Everyone knows they are.

Ricky: Don’t call in! Don’t call in.

Steve: Please. We’re not interested.

Ricky: Not- no point.

Steve: Ha! Rick, um, it’s half past one.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Adverts?

Ricky: Yeeeah.

Steve: Yeah.

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