26 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 26 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

How Old're You?

Song: Blur - Out Of Time

Ricky: Blur, 'Out Of Time' on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchent, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Steve's a bit quiet, he's got a bit of a sore throat.

Steve: Oh, a bit of a sore throat? Murder, all week, it's been murder Rick.

Ricky: It's...we couldn't work all this week, um..

Steve: I've been off sick.

Ricky: Steve's been in Brist...Karl. You're not impressed.

Karl: It's just, I d...I don't understand why having a sore throat, sort of...

Ricky: Oooooh. Oh he's done you.

Steve: Right. What if the sore throat was so painful it was like you've got broken glass and razor blades in your throat? You can hear now I'm not even speaking from down in my throat, I'm speaking from the top of it like that so it sounds a bit weird.

Karl: But you're right.

Steve: What?

Karl: Your hands are alright aren't they?

Steve: Yeah but we talk when we're writing don't we and I can barely talk. It was in mur..I was in agony, I couldn't sleep because it was so painful even when I was just lying there, motionless, it was hurting.

Karl: I, I just was surprised ‘cos I got back off holiday and er, called Ricky and said “Alright? Is Steve alright?” and her said er, oh he’s had to go back home or something and he’s stayed ‘cos he, he’s got a sore throat.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I didn’t understand why you can’t just, like, go home, I mean y…, how old are you?

Ricky giggles nervously

Steve: What?

Karl: I don’t understand why you gotta’ be at your Mam and Dads when you should be ill?

Ricky: 29.

Steve: I happened to be at me Mam and Dads, ma Mam and Dads, now I’m talking like you, when, when this, this sore throat really kicked in.

Karl: Mm.

Steve: So I thought I’ll stay and get a bit of the creature comforts’ of home.

Karl: D’you know what I pictured though when, when he told me?

Steve: You see my parents aren’t like yours Karl. Your, your father would have popped down to the phone box and maybe looked to see if there was any kind of throat lozenges.

Ricky: Strepsils.

Steve: Yeah, where as my Mum phones up the doctor first thing she can, I’m straight down there with my Dad. They’re snapping into action, they’re trying to sort me out.

Karl: Mm. Bit like that Robbie Corbett thing in’it?

Ricky giggles

Steve: What?

Ricky: “Sorry”!

Karl: That “Sorry”.

Ricky starts laughing and clapping

Steve: You’re right Karl, yes your absolutely right, it is just like that.

Ricky: Ohh dear.

Karl: Nah, it’s just ‘cos…

Steve: You just went on holiday with your parents!

Karl: But not wi…, not with mine.

Steve: No, right.

Karl: Suzanne’s and it won’t be happening again! So, that’s that sorted.

Ricky: Well, well we, we’ll have more of that a little bit later.

Karl: Pain in the arse.

Ricky: Well luckily we’ve…, we came in a few times didn’t we? We, we’ve been here since about half eleven haven’t we?

Karl: Yeah. Sorting stuff out.

Ricky: Doin’ a show.

Steve: What, and have you been squeezing his head or…?

Ricky: Er, no that’s strictly between the hours of 1 and 3, we established that and I’ve kept to the rules haven’t I? I did practice the grip in the week didn’t I?

Karl: Yeah, just to see what method he was gonna’ use today.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, I came in, I, I did my back on Tuesday, I was sparring and I pulled my back and I was in agony and I had to get an emergency um, chiropractor out and sort it out and I c…couldn’t, I was on painkillers and I couldn’t walk the next day but I still came in and did a voice-over that was booked for 4.30, didn’t I? I got Johnny to walk me in ‘cos I couldn’t site down so I couldn’t take a cab but I could be upright and had to walk r…, he, got him to walk me in ‘cos I was scared someone was going to bump into me, and I did the voice over. That’s dedication in’nit?

Karl: Yeah, but…right. I got back off holiday on the er, Tuesday right, um, first day back was going to be on the Wednesday right? So I thought I’ll take it easy ‘cos you do that don’t you when you been on holiday.

Steve: Hmm.

Karl: The first day you just wanna sort of…

Ricky clicks his fingers

Ricky: Not me, I’m straight back into it.

Steve: Well, same here.

Karl: But, but it’s nice to, d’you know what I mean? Er, just sort of look at your e-mails, go through all them, work out what people need, for stuff.

Steve: Doss around, doss around, yeah sure.

Karl: Erm, so I thought I’ll take it easy, soon as I got in I was told that Ricky had been booked in to do a voice-over and I thought “Awww. Can’t handle that.” You know what I mean, on the first day, him coming in annoying me probably trying to get a weeks worth of head squeezing in.

Ricky muffles laughter

Karl: So I thought aw, so I called him up and he said “Oh I might not come in as I’ve got a bad back,” so I thought that’s alright, right? Er, then you just turned up didn’t you, said “Oh, managed to get a cab” er…

Ricky: Yeah Johnny walked me in, it’s sort…yeah…

Karl: He did, he did the stuff which, I haven’t got it here at the moment but I’ll, I’ll find it on the system and I’ll play you what he did.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: That he’s been paid to do.

Ricky: It’s alright! See you…

Karl: Well, well it’s not alright, I had to pretend it was alright when I had to play it to all my bosses to try and persua…

Ricky sniggers again

Ricky: Well it’s, well look that’s play that a little bit later but now, as we’re all back together Steve would you say the boys are back in town?

Steve: Yep. Brilliant.

Song: Thin Lizzy – The Boys Are Back In Town

Froggy Says Buy It

Ricky: Thin Lizzy. “Boys Are Back In Town” on XFM 104.9, right? We are back in town.

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Me, Steve and Karl. Karl’s been on holiday.

Steve sighs.

Ricky: Steve’s been living with his mother cos’ he had a sore throat. I’ve, I’ve been hobbling around still tryin’ t…

Steve: You know what, what…

Ricky: Trying to keep things going.

Steve: You know why I think I was ill? Stress. I genuinely think it was stress. So I think, I’m beginning, er no, I’m analyzing it and…

Ricky: What do you think of that Karl?

Steve: But I’ll tell you what it is. Look, think about it though, look, we live in London, we got the war, the threat of terrorist activity…

Karl: That’s where I live, I’m alright. Next one.

Steve: We got SARS.

Ricky: One.

Steve: Yeah but you can walk to work I gotta travel on the Tube, I came in this morning, saw a Chinaman sneeze, I was terrified. S Club 7, they’ve split up!

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: I mean, like, I worry about those sort of people. They’re young kids, they’re talented guys I mean they say they’re going to be alright, I’m not sure Tina is, I’m not sure she’s got the talent. So, there’s just so many elements that scare…

Ricky: I remember you were worried about Hear’Say.

Steve: Well…

Ricky: Kym Marsh is doing alright.

Steve: Oh, Kym’s doing fine but she got out early.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

Steve: But you know I’m not sure the rest of them will be.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You know, I’m just…

Ricky: You’re quite emotional.

Steve: I gotta worry about the show, you got me worried about this, you know…

Karl: It’s just me I, I’ve never been that good when like anyone in the family’s ill or anything, I’ve just got, just because that’s the way I am, you know what I mean, if I’m ill I don’t expect people to run about after me.

Ricky: No, I’ve never been off for being ill, I mean you were a couple of weeks ago.

Karl: Yeah but that’s, that…

Steve: Hang on I’ve not missed, I’ve missed either of the shows, I’m, I’m ill today but I’m still here. You, you took, I seem to remember you took, er, you took a show off when you were ill.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You’re winging…

Karl: But I was really ill.

Steve: Mm, right. Sure.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: I couldn’t, I couldn’t even walk to work though.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That’s what I mean.

Steve: You go to the doctors?

Karl: No. I was too ill to get there.

Steve: Right.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: That’s how bad I was.

Steve: Did…did you call a doctor out?

Karl: Nope.

Steve: Oh. Interesting.

Karl: But it’s just that thing, I mean we were talking about it last night ‘cos I was saying to Suzanne and I said “Ohh Steve’s, you know he’s been living at home all week.” She said “Oh is he”…

Ricky: I love the way he talks about you behind your back as well!

Steve: Fine.

Karl: And er, she said, er…

Ricky: Malingering. Malingering geek she said.

Karl: And er, said he’s got a sore throat or something.

Ricky: She went “Sore throat?”

Karl: So er, she said “Well you don’t know how serious it is don’t be, y’know, don’t be off hand with him tomorrow, ‘cos, y’know, if he’s coming in and if he’s still not right.” ‘Cos she’s, she always sticks up for you.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Yeah? Erm, and she said…

Steve: She’s got common sense.

Karl: She said “Anyway, you’re no good when people are ill.” I said “Hang on what you talkin’ about?” So erm, apparently when we first sort of started going out…

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: The first time she was ill she kind of thought she saw the real me.

Steve chuckles.

Karl: She was ill in bed, as I was like “Ohh just get up!”

Ricky and Steve snigger.

Steve: Of course you can drink these, you can drink alcohol with these!

Karl: And I was just like y’know, you make yourself feel worse if you lie in bed. I said “Come on we need to go shopping”.

Ricky sniggers.

Karl: And she said “You go shopping.”, I said “No, I’m rubbish at shopping for food.” D’y’know what I mean? I’m alright at getting that nights food but once it starts like, you gotta plan.

Steve: Sure, yeah, you’re dropping the bananas, you’re…

Karl: Yeah, I forget all sorts of stuff.

Ricky: Cous cous all over the floor.

Karl: And she was like, she was like feelin’ hot and that, said I got a temperature, so well come to the supermarket and hang about in the chicken, frozen chicken section.

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Cool yourself down.

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: Erm, it, it made her worse. So now she was like remember that and I was like, yeah.

Ricky: Who’s that, who’s that hot woman sitting in the chicken fillets?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That’s Karl’s girlfriend, she’s obviously ill again.

Karl: Even, even when I was younger, you know I told you when I was picked at school to give old people biscuits?

Steve: Right, yes.

Ricky: Was ‘cos you had nice hands wasn’t it?

Karl: And nice nails.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, and then I went down a storm at that.

Ricky: Down a storm at that! Bravo! Get him back with the Garibaldi’s; he’s the best I’ve ever had, bravo! What do you mean you went down a storm?!

Karl: ‘Cos I’m into biscuits.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: You knew your stuff!

Karl: I was more concerned about them.

Ricky: I’m into biscuits!

Karl: Right so…

Ricky continues to laugh.

Steve: Did you make sure they finished the first layer before you dipped into the second layer?

Karl: Nah, there’s no rules like that.

Steve: No rules.

Karl: Just what do you want, what do you fancy?

Steve: What you want.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So um, because I was good at that, we, we were going to a er,an old peoples home where they’re a bit iller, rather than just being old, they were like, ill.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky is still chuckling.

Karl: And I said nah, not, not doing that.

Steve: Not going there.

Karl: As they’re old people.

Ricky: They didn’t want biscuits.

Karl: Yeah, that’s it really.

Ricky: They want surgery. So er, yeah that’s…

Steve: Did you have to dunk them in tea before you fed ‘em to them?

Karl: No it was just like y’know…

Steve: Did you have to feed them like pigeons?

Ricky: Did, did you have to chew their food then stick it down their throat with your face?

Steve: Yeah, like a little bird?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Just a little trolley, right, erm, a lad who I didn’t really get on with, he, he had good nails as well so he was serving the tea.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I just had a chat and said oh, do you want a biscuit with that?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: What about this one? Do you like Bourbons?

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Oh, you did the whole…

Steve: Right, so it wasn’t like they had a choice, you just offered a selection?

Karl: Well I sort of sold the, the thing is there’s only so many so you’ve got to handle the situation well.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You don’t want too many wanting one type so it’s like, well you’ve had a Bourbon…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky squeals with laughter.

Ricky: What a great life they lead! They only pay about £900 quid a week to stay in that particular home.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And they get a free Bourbon by a kid with clean nails. Brilliant. Whoop-de-hoo!

Steve chuckles.

Ricky: Ohh.

Karl: So anyway I’ve found these, er, things, do ya…?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! So what is it?

Steve: Explain this again.

Karl: So I got back of holiday, the first job I found out I’ve gotta do is work with Ricky for a voice-over.

Ricky: I do a regular thing, I do X-Ray magazine but I’m allowed to make the script up and they said I could so I did.

Karl: Right, so, imagine this.

Steve: Well I know you Rick and I know you like to put a lot of work into these things!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You want to do a good job.

Karl: So he rolls up, he says “Let’s do it then”, he said “What’s in the magazine?” and I said “Well here’s a selection of stuff, this is what you gotta sell.” He said “Leave it with me.”

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Um, he goes into the little booth, um, and the first one he comes up with is this little advert for it, right?

Ricky: (As a slurring old drunk) Uuuh uhhhh X-Ray Magazine, it’s out now it’s £3.50, May edition. Ah…m…music of tomorrow, Dandy Warhols, Picture and there’s a free CD with all the Placebo and the Donnas, and…th.Smog and Nightmares On Wax, Alpine Allstars, it’s only £3.50 it’s out now, buy it, in’nit. Meh.

Ricky and Steve chuckle

Steve: Have you got a sore throat there?

Ricky: Well that’s alright in’nit? And he was going you can’t, I said we are doing that, I’ve done one, that’s it, that’s it! So I persuaded him, he went “Right, ok. We can POSSIBLY put that on XFM, right, I’ll have to see. Right”. I wouldn’t do it again, he went “But you need one for Capital”, he said Capital will no way, I went “Right I’ll do one more for Capital” an…

Karl: And for all other stations that advertise the XFM magazine, right, so this, this is the er, the one he thought would be alright for them.

Ricky starts chuckling to himself

Ricky: (As a hyperactive maniac) ooooooOOOOOOO! ‘Ello you loonies in radio land! Doctor Frog here to tell you about the new edition of X-Ray magazine, it’s out now and it’s only £3.50, not heard of it, it’s a great music magazine and you get a free CD featuring bands like Placebo, they wear make up but leave ‘em alone, Goldchain, Smog, OK-Go, The Donnas, an’ all great bands that you…you’ll love to Froggie here! Hello, hi! Ribbit ribbit, Froggie says buy it!

Steve laughs

Steve: Oh, oh well!

Ricky is still chuckling away

Karl: So then, he says “That’s it you’ve had your moneys worth!”

Steve: Is Dr.Frog still on, his he still on Classic?

Karl: I said that isn’t going to go out, they’re not going to be happy with that. He said “You’ve had your moneys worth, I’m going.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I’m left with that.

Ricky is still chuckling

Karl: I then have to get the bosses in, and because I’ve let him go, in a way it’s my responsibility.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I’ve, I’ve obviously thought I’ve got what I need.

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: I had to play them to the M.D.

Ricky: What did he say?

Karl: And justify…well, I was sort of thinking if I laugh, he might go “Well I don’t get it but he finds it funny.”

Ricky: Ohh, brilliant. Well done.

Karl: So I was laughing, he was sort of thinking, y’know…

Ricky: Excellent!

Karl: …is that it?

Ricky: Brilliant. When do they go out then?

Karl: Err…I think, I think one of ‘em’s going out at the moment.

Ricky: Excellent

Karl: I think the first one’s going out.

Ricky: Brilliant. Well let’s play a great track then.

Steve: Is it Doctor Frog? I’d like to see Doctor Frog feature on our show more often.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Ok. Oh! I’ve got some new comedy characters.

Steve: I can’t believe my luck.

Ricky: You know I love, er, the work of, um, comedy greats like Chris Moyles and Noel Edmonds? I’ve got some really funny comedy characters that will be popping in and out of the studio.

Steve: Save them! I’m excited!

Ricky: Ok.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy – All Possibilities

Who's That at the Door?

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy. ‘All Possibilities’, on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. And a few, a few new characters Steve.

Steve: Ohh I can’t believe my luck!

Ricky: As you said you, I mean you love Moyles and his, his sort of wacky stuff.

Steve: Chris Moyles. One of the greats.

Ricky: And Edmonds, just all the…um, well I’m gonna go along the same sort of…vein, I’ve come up with a couple of, can I do a little…show, show you one?

Steve: I’m excited.

Ricky: Ok, right it always starts with a sort of doorbell. So, goes, er…ding dong. I go oh no, hold on Steve, hold on Karl, who’s that at the door?

Steve: Yeah…

Ricky bangs the desk like a door opening.

Ricky: Hello. ‘Ooo ‘ello!’ Oh look, it’s Camp David the Right Queer Gay. ‘Oooooh ‘ello!’ Hello, you, you look all gay today, is that ‘cos it’s nice weather? ‘Ooooooh no, that’s not what it means.’ Oh, um….er….have you….got a girlfriend….C…Camp David the…Right Queer Gay? ‘No! But I’ve got a boyfriend’.

Steve sniggers.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Bye! Right?

Steve: Oh, dear.

Ricky: Ding dong! Oh there’s another one!

Steve: Hang on.

Ricky: Another comic…

Ricky bangs the desk again.

Ricky: Ch…er, hello. Oh look! It’s…Holy Fuk, the little funny Chinese fella.

Karl: Right!

Ricky speaks through giggling.

Ricky: Wait, that’s his name Karl!

Steve: That’s his name Karl.

Ricky: Karl. Hello Holy Fuk. ‘Herrow’. Right?

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah that’s fine, that’s fine.

Ricky: So. Um, Mister Fuk? ‘You can call my Holy if you want’.

Karl: Right…!

Ricky: No I’d prefer to call you Fuk.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Right. Y….you alright…?

Steve: Nothing wrong with it so far.

Ricky: No, I know! Um, um…mm, have you got a, er, girlfriend Mister Fuk? ‘Ah Chew’. Oh, ca…you haven’t got that SARS have you?

Steve: Yeah, yep topical.

Ricky: ’No that’s my girlfriends name.’

Steve: Ah, that’s clever.

Ricky: Oh, just before you go Mister Fuk…

Karl tries to cough over Ricky saying ‘Fuk’, but misses the word.

Ricky: I’ve got um…I’ve got two…I’ve got two things here. I’ve got a nice Trilby hat that you could wear?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or I got a little lampshade.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right? Which one do you want to put on your head? And walk around? I presume the Trilby?

Steve: No, bet it’s not.

Ricky: ’Naw.’

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: ’Lampshade’.

Steve: Lampshade, course yeah.

Ricky: Bye!

Steve: See ya.

Ricky: See you later!

Steve: Yeah. I thought they were genius.

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: Can I be honest? The truth, I mean, I’ll be honest, I thought they were brilliant.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: I thought they were…you didn’t steal them of Chris did you?

Ricky: Nnnnno, no, no they were original, they were original characters.

Steve: I mean Chris Moyles has done stuff as good as that.

Ricky: I know, yeah yeah I know, yeah these are all mine, so, so, er, there you go. We’ll be, we’ll be, we’ll be hearing more from erm, Camp David the Right Queer Gay and Holy-…

Karl: The other one.

Ricky: Fuk, the Chinaman, what?

Karl sighs.

Ricky giggles.

Ricky: Alright Karl?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Yeah? Just that, is that your sort of humour, it might not be your sort of humour.

Karl: You just should have run it past me before you did it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What one are you worried about in particular?

Karl: The er, th…the er, not Camp David.

Ricky: Well say his name!

Karl: No.

Ricky: Say his name.

Karl: I’m not saying…

Steve: Which one, I don’t know which one you mean?

Karl: The Chinese fella.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: Wha…I forget who that was, what was his name I can’t remember?

Karl: Well if you can’t remember it can’t be that good so we’ll leave it, we won’t do it again.

Ricky squeals with laughter.

Karl: I’ll tell you what I have got Steve.

Ricky: Ahh..what?

Karl: Tell you what I’m thinking.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right. Erm, d’you know like TV programmes sort of get rested in the winter?

Ricky: Ding dong! Oh no!

Steve: Hang on who’s this?

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: ’Herrow again!’ Not now Mister Fuk, we’re talking. Bye.

Steve: Was that Holy-Fuk again?

Ricky: Yeah!

Ricky bursts into laughter again.

Ricky: Yeah…ok, Karl! Oh god. Look at Karl’s face! Right! Ok, that’s it now. I’m not answering the door anymore. Right, ok, go on.

Karl: Right. Erm, yeah th…

Steve: Dingdongdingdongdingdong, he’s trying to get in.

Karl: No.

Ricky chuckles.

Steve: Don’t be impolite Rick! Come on Rick he wants to come in.

Ricky: No it’s too late, it’s too late, he’s, he’s gone away now, go on.

Karl: Right, anyway what I’m thinking is…

Ricky: Nice hat.

Karl: What I’m thinking is Rockbusters coming back for a bit?

Steve: What?!

Ricky sniggers.

Steve: What? What you talking about?

Ricky: He likes my idea, he likes my characters! He doesn’t like that idea.

Karl: Like it..ohh…

Ricky: Go on, what Karl, what?

Karl: No I was gonna say if I came up with er…

Steve: With what? Name it.

Karl: With that, that Chinese fella…

Steve: What’s his name again I forgot him…

Karl: …for a sketch, you wouldn’t have liked it.

Ricky chuckles more.

Karl: Let’s do Rockbusters and see how it goes, I know you’re not a fan of it but…

Steve: Hang on…

Ricky: Yeah, I, to, to be honest Karl, he dissed Cheap As Chimps and we know that’s a brilliant ‘tle idea!

Steve: Hang on, sorry, we, we’d, we’d all agreed that Rockbusters was a piece of old toss.

Ricky squawks with laughter.

Karl: No it wasn’t I said it needed resting.

Steve: That was why we stopped doing it.

Karl: I said it needed resting for a bit.

Steve: I don’t remember that conversation. What do you mean it needed resting?

Karl: Just…

Steve: We, we abandoned it because it was appalling, you just you, you’d, it started of as a nice idea then you just gone crazy with it and none of it makes sense.

Ricky: Let’s play a record and come back to this shall we? What do you want to play?

A bit of Sugar?

Steve: Awww.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeah, that’ll cheer us all up.

Song: Sugar – If I Could Change Your Mind.

Steve: I don’t know why you were thinking of bringing this back. I’m genuinely worried about this.

Ricky: Well…

Karl: No, don’t…

Steve: Is that the doorbell?!

Ricky chuckles.

Karl: No.

Gayvid Gray, the Bent Pianist

Steve: I would be lying Rick if I told you that didn’t feature in my list of the best singles ever.

Ricky: That’s lovely. That’s…

Steve: ”If I Can’t Change Your Mind” by Sugar.

Ricky: Great, great pop tune.

Steve: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Ricky: Um, I’m, I think Karl’s worried about one of the names of my characters so I’m changing, ah, the…the gay fella’s name to Gayvid Gray, the Bent Pianist.

Karl: Right!

Steve: Hold on a min…what…

Karl cuts to adverts.

Always Stinking of Chip Fat

Song: Coldplay – ‘The Scientist’

Ricky: The Scientist. Coldplay. On XFM 104.9. With me Steve Merchant. Karl Pilkington. I’m Ricky Gervais, obviously. So er, Karl’s just getting a little bit frustrated there with Steve having nothing to offer after being off for a week. Do you know what he calls you now behind your back?

Steve: Ohh god, here we go.

Ricky: No it’s quite, it’s alright. He calls you the Professor, ‘cos of a picture of you in erm, My Media.

Steve: Oh right.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: No it’s, really, he said, he…

Karl: Did you approve it?

Ricky burst into laughter

Steve: I didn’t actually, no.

Ricky: No you know what it is don’t ya? It’s…you know when you take it from an angle? It sort of distorts one side.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And they’ve taken a picture from a bigger picture I think and so..it’s, d’you know what I mean, like it’s, it’s looking in a kettle and he went “What’s going on there?” He said “He looks like one of those professors of BBC2 school’s programmes!”

Steve: Well I take that as a compliment considering what I call you behind your back.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I tell you now it ain’t the Professor!

Ricky: Karl’s looking pretty good at the moment aren’t ya? Oh…!

Steve: I’m surprised, can I just say, I’m surprised that you, that you got chosen for having clean nails at school to serve the biscuits, ‘cos I’ve, I, I always imag…when I look at you I see you as a child. I see you as a grubby little child who’s always out in the streets getting dirty.

Ricky: I see Karl as quite hygienic ‘cos he’s always got a nice little…

Steve: Now-a-days I do.

Ricky: Yeah, a nice little top on.

Steve: But not the, not the boyhood Karl.

Karl: Er…

Steve: I always imagine you being quite neglected.

Ricky titters

Karl: Me, me clothes weren’t always the best and they were a bit worn but they were always clean.

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Steve: I always imagine that your house…

Ricky: Is there a Country song coming on? Is it, is, are you Dolly Parton?

Steve: I always imagine your house as having, and actually to be fair so do, I imagine your house stinking very much the same, always stinking of chip fat.

Ricky: Yeahalways stunk of it, yeah my Mum was always cleaning so again, the, it, it was always sort of like clean, it was just it didn’t…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It smelt of…

Steve: And cigarette smoke maybe?

{{Ricky|Er, yeah it smelt of Dettol, erm, pets, yeah and er, and er, cigarette smoke, yeah and chip fat.

Steve: Such a working class smell that.

{{Ricky|Yeah. Yeah.}

Steve: That’s a real working class, er, sort of smell and look and stench.

Ricky: Yeah. Are you talking about me now?

Steve: Yeahyeahyeah.

Ricky: Well, yeah, yeah.

Steve: The interesting thing is that Karl’s cleaned up his act.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I’m very, I have, I’m clean, I have two baths…

Steve: No, you are obsessed. Really freakish.

Ricky: I love, I love being clean.

Steve: Is this bad of me; I was in Waitrose earlier buying a sandwich, I got a bit of money now Karl to splash out on a sandwich, they’re like £2.50.

Ricky: You ever seen any of it?

Karl: Benji’s shut?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He does go to Benji’s! I tell you what…

Steve: I love Benji’s.

Ricky: We go for lunch, right, and if he looks in a restaurant and it’s sort of like £6.50 he goes “Rick, I’m not made of money!”.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He is. We have to go to Benji’s, he gets two sandwichs that have to fill him up, right, ‘cos they’re a quid each.

Steve: Well I’m a big guy I need a lot more food. I need, genuinely, a lot more food than most people. I’m like a Brontosaurus.

Ricky: It is. He’s just grazing all day.

{{Steve|So I’m, look, you know I can’t afford to splash out in Pret A’Monge all the time with your fancy French sandwiches!

Ricky tries to hold in his snigger

Steve: I, er, yeah, I like to get a lot of bread for my money, I want a lot of bread. Um, so I was in Waitrose and some guy came in behind me and he was, I don’t think he was mentally, er, doolally, but I think he’d been homeless for just too long and he was really…

Ricky: And what, what, what’s just right amount of time to be homeless?

Steve sniggers

Steve: Well I think it was…

{{Ricky|Ah, they, you want to get out of that game early don’t ya?

Steve: He’d passed the point of no return this guy.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: I see, right, yeah.

Steve: I think it was, like, too late for him.

Ricky: Oh ok yeah.

Steve: There was no going back really.

Ricky: 6 months you haven’t got the best out of it yet.

Steve: And he came in, and he was walking at a bit of a weird angle. He walked like The Elephant Man even though he wasn’t deformed, it was probably like you were in the week, it was quite…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: …it was quite unpleasant. And he sort of come up to me and he went “Urgh..” and, weirdly he spoke a bit like I’m speaking now because of my throat, and he was “Uggh…” and I thought if I speak to him back is he going to think I’m taking the mick, so I kept quiet…

Ricky: Mm-hm.

Steve: And he went “Urrrgh, alright? What’s your name?” and said, “Oh, er, Steve” and he shook my hand. He forcibly took my hand and shook it but he had these cuts and bruises on his hands.

Ricky: Aaah, the open sores.

Steve: Yeah! And I was, well you’ve shaken my hand and I was just terrified, I was just thinking get off my hand, let go of my hand! And thankfully…

Ricky: Did he have a bell round his neck?

Steve: Well he may as well have, I mean seriously, I caught the eye of a security guard, had him thrown out.

Ricky cackles

Steve: I’m all heart.

Ricky: This man does not have the funds to be shopping here, please have him removed!

Steve: This is Waitrose! This is part of the John Lewis Partnership! And erm,so they have him thrown out and do you know what, I, seriously then, I was just freaked out. I had to was my hand as soon as I could. I just, I, just, I couldn’t imagine the kind of grime that was crawling across one of his homeless…

Ricky: Are you, are you still doing your social work or are you…?

{{Act:Steve|Steve scoffs}

Steve: Whenever I can Rick.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. At least he used to give old people biscuits; you’d of gone “Oh I’m not going near them, look at them gums.”

Steve: Wouldn’t you have, wouldn’t that been grim. Would you have wanted that though, on, like old homeless people touching you?

Ricky: Well, no…

Steve: I’m not Jesus Christ!

Ricky: No I know. It’s not on my list. I don’t have a shopping list. Right what do I need? I need some batteries for my walkman, need to be touched by some old people. See ya later! Cheers!

Steve: I was watching er, the one thing I did watch all, all week was Columbo which seems to be on constantly. I was watching Columbo and I know you’re a fan of Columbo Rick?

Ricky: My, one of my favourite programmes of all time.

Karl: Right…

Steve: Do you not think that…

Karl: I’ve taped it. Oh, right, I just thought you were gonna talk about it.

Steve: Well…

Ricky: Oh, which one? There, they…

Steve: What do you mean…?

Ricky: They made about a, ninety and they’re showing on about 4 channels in rotation!

Steve: But it doesn’t matter if I tell you who did it because you’ll find out in the first 5 minutes.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly, you find out in the first 2 minutes anyway.

Steve: And to be honest, if Robert Vaughn’s the star, it’s probably gonna be him!

Ricky: Or, or Culp. Often Robert Culp.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, sometimes Patrick Maghooan.

Steve: But do you not think that Columbo looks like he smells? Would you imagine he smells a bit? He’s a brilliant detective…

Ricky: But he’s got that dog and he smokes cigars so I imagine he smells of…

Steve: I reckon he doesn’t clean his clothes.

Ricky: Oh I think he gets up and washes but I think he’s acr…

Steve: I just think he’s too absent minded, I think he’s too busy thinking on solving crimes and stuff.

Ricky: What, what do you think, do you think his wife makes him cleans his pants now and again?

Steve: I think they’re quite a bohemian couple. I’m not sure she’s really interested in that, I think she’s kind of, she’s got her own mind, maybe she’s a painter or something.

Ricky: Nah, maybe she’s ah, she’s losing it a bit and he’s a bit embarrassed by her.

Steve: Yeah that could be true.

Ricky: And she’s probably incontinent so whilst she’s ironing his trousers she just, just…prhooooow….all over ‘em, and he goes...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky:

(As Columbo) – Ohmygod, she shat in my pants again, I gotta wear ‘em do….

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah so that’s, that’s where, oh! Ding dong! Who’s that?

Steve: Who’s this?

Ricky: ’Ooh ‘ello!’ Oh, oh look it’s Gaybid Gray the Bent Piano Player. ‘Oooooooh….’ Alright.?

Steve: I thought it was gonna be Columbo. That’d have been a joy.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Columbo!

Steve giggles

Steve: Ding dong!

Ricky: Ahhh! Er, (As Columbo) – My wife loves ya. Hm. ‘Harrow’! Oh I don’t believe it, look who’s turned up Karl!

Steve: I can’t believe my luck.

Karl: Do you er, do you wanna do Rockbusters Steve now, can we do it?

Steve: Ok, listen. With the whole Rockbusters thing, I, I don’t want to be responsible for bringing it back so I think we should put it to the vote. E-mail in, we’ll give people 5 minutes to e-mail in, I’ll take a straw poll, do you want to see the return of Rockbusters or not. We’re leaving it to you the audience.

Ricky: Right ah, ok Steve, I…I guarantee it’s going to be a landslide, they are all going to want it, but why have we ever trusted our listener?

Steve: Rick…

Ricky: We know what they’re like, you’ve just described some of ‘em with the bloke in Waitrose and Columbo’s wife shatting herself, so that’s the sort of people that, you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah. It was actually, it was wired because the Waitrose guy did ask for my autograph before he was hauled away.

Ricky giggles

Steve: So maybe he is a listener. But all I’m saying is maybe there’s some, maybe there’s posters to draw in some fresh blood, there’s some people who’ve maybe not heard Rockbusters before, they’re the ones who’ll probably vote for it. Anyone else who’s heard it before, surely they’re not going to see the return of that? No one wants to see that.

Ricky: What’s the number?

Steve: No let’s e-mail only we don’t want to speak to these freaks.

Ricky laughs

Steve: [email protected]

Ricky: I love the fact we don’t want to speak these freaks, we work with one of them! God.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: If you want to see the return of Rockbusters vote yes, if not, no.

Ricky: Tone it down a bit, let’s not do three.

Karl: No, I’d, it’s got to be three otherwise it’s too easy.

Ricky: Ohh ff….

Steve: [email protected]

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Just choose the best one.

Karl: Yep.