Tape 3 Side A/Transcript

This is a transcript of Tape 3 Side A, from Xfm Series 0.

Of Course She’s Not Dead!

Ricky's mum: I would like to apologize for my son's behaviour. He is a filthy little fucker who's been a wanker most of his life and treats me like a tosser

Steve: So, uh, Doris Stokes right,

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Is dressed like a dominatrix

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: and she's dripping hot wax

Ricky: yeah

Steve: Onto the naked torso of Arthur Mullard

Ricky: Yeah, of course he is.

Steve: Right, and, um he in turn is being pleasured, right, by Dusty Springfield

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Ohhh e- Dusty Springfield's not dead

Steve: ...what?

Ricky: You twat. Dusty Springfield's not dead

Steve: Yes she is.

Ricky: No she isn't!

Steve: She is!

Ricky: Of course she's not you-you (incomprehensible mumbling)!

Ricky slams his hand down

Steve: She's dead! Of course she's-

Ricky: Of course she's not dead!

Steve: Who am I thinking of?

Ricky: I don't know! Dusty Springfield's alive and well!...and playing with Arthur Mullard- No she's not dead!

Steve: oh my God...

Ricky: Well, excellent

Steve: Oh

Ricky: It was going so well, wasn't it?

Steve: Oh...

Steve chuckles

Ricky: ...I like the bit up 'till then though.

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: I like the idea of her and Mullard

Steve: Well that's all true

Ricky: In a farm. We can't do that anyways...we can't do that on the radio, talking about that sort of thing

Steve tries to say something

Ricky: I'll tell you what though. If we're gonna' pick on a dead person

Steve: Yeah

Ricky: Why pick Doris Stokes??

Steve: (laughing) I don't know.

Ricky: The one dead person you don't pick!

Steve: I know!...I know. God.

Ricky: I'll have to convince her she's dead

Steve: But even in real life she'd harness the powers of the dark side

Steve tries to say something

Ricky: (chuckling) I know...she liked the dark side...

Steve: Getting on our backs

Ricky: ...that was her favorite...she's getting on our backs? Don't get me started on that.

Steve: Oh, goodness me, it's just nothing but innuendo and-;

Ricky: Dusty Spring-, I don't believe it...

Steve: It's libelous

Ricky: We're in trouble now.

Steve: We're in trouble

Ricky: Oh, God. You should have picked someone like Silliro who is dead.

FAKE ADVERT- MUFF SHANDY- EARPLUGS ARE GAY

You Twat

Ricky: And the bloke with the um, gimp mask and the umbrella said "Doris, I'm- even I'm not doin' that".

Steve: Gervais, we're leaving it. We're leaving it!

Ricky: Go on. Sorry.

Steve: Um. I was talkin' to my parents on the phone the other day, and uh, I started swearing. And I've never done this before and it's a terrible thing cuz' it's- I've crossed this barrier now, I've crossed this line

Ricky grunts

Steve: Which I, previously, for 23 odd years, I've managed to sort of stay the right side of.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I'm talking to my mum and she mentions to me that I'm gonna' lose a lot of money, I don't want to go into it but I'm gonna' lose a lot of money, and um, she told me how much, it was 5 thousand pounds or something and I went "effing hell". Obviously I said the real thing, effing hell.

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: She just stopped. She just went, "Pardon Me?"

Ricky tries to suppress a laugh

Steve: And I thought "what've I done?" I thought "I can't explain myself cuz' she didn- she didn't know, that I knew those words. So I just said "uh, well, uh, phhh, that's a lot of money."

Ricky: That got you out of it.

Steve: That got me out of it

Ricky: (Laughing) Yea-yeah

Steve: But you know what I mean? Crossing that step.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is quite a terrible thing, it's like I- well I look forward to the day when I can bring a girl home and say "look, I do know about sex and-;

Ricky giggles

Steve: ...twat.

Ricky: No, you can't

Steve: But um, when I was a kid and I first went to senior school I started to learn all these swear words that I didn't know-;

Ricky: Of course you can say the word twat

Steve: Right. I-;

Ricky: You're not meant to.

Steve: I-I started learning all these swear words and I went home and started using the word "twat". I just thought it was a slightly stronger version of "twit".

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Steve: i-it's a bit tougher for some reason.

Ricky: yeah...

Steve: And so I used to go around saying that and I'd go home, my sister would say "stop, ruining m'lego" and I'd go "you twat."

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: And um, "Make your bad Steve!" "No you twat", I'd say to my mum right. And, I didn't realize what it meant.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: And my dad. Right. He didn't really know much about swear words so he started using it as well. He started going "ah, you twat Steve"

Ricky giggles

Steve: "Do you wanna clean the bath?" "No you twat" and we'd just start using it all the time, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Then, at school, Mark Johnson told me what it mean-meant, right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Obviously I'm stunned. I can't go around calling my mum a twat.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So I didn't- I just stopped using it

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Like that. Just stopped using it. But, I didn't have the guts to tell my dad what it meant,

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: So he carries on using it. And untill this day, we were driving along, he'll say um, to my mum "Elaine! Watch where you're going ya twat! Ya great big twat!"

Ricky laughs

Steve: And, I just want to say to him, "Dad, don't say that to my mum" 'cuz she knows. Oh, she knows what it means

Ricky: Oh no, really.

Steve: And she's not, she's not gonna' say to him,

Ricky: Oh, God.

Steve: "Ron, would you stop saying that word cuz..."

Ricky: Yeah... same thing happened to me. My dad still says "feltch"

Steve: Does he?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: aww. Feltching. Talking of that, right. It's Doris Stokes

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She's got this huge -;

Ricky: Four sailors

Steve: Four Sailors.

Ricky: And a big bucket and like a weight and-;