19 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 19 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Little Big Hungover or Still a Bit Drunk

Ricky: Doves…Caught by the river, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais... Steve Merchant... Karl Pilkington and everything…

Steve Laughs

Ricky: No...I'm gonna be honest with you...

Steve: Go on

Ricky: Little bit hungover, don't feel very well. I don't know if I'm hungover or still a bit drunk, but I don't feel->

Steve: You sound like you're still a bit drunk.

Ricky: Yeah. So what I'm worried about-

Steve: Then you do every week, so...

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: What I'm worried about is... that the standard will slip.

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Yeah? I'm not right on the ball, urm and, the other thing is I haven't had a lot of time to prepare the show today.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Ok...

Ricky: So I don't... And I - and, I don't really... I don't feel...you know.

Steve: 100%.>

Ricky: Yep. I haven't done any... Karl...

Steve: Right...

Ricky: Look-

Steve: Have you finished that sentence?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I... don't make me laugh because it- it hurts as well. And the other- the other- there's another side effect to me being a little bit hungover, and um drunk or whatever, right, is that I can be annoying.

Steve: Right, yes, yes.

Ricky: 'Cos I just to amuse myself I sort of like turn my body off a little bit and just poke, and like-

Ricky Groans

Ricky: Like that, and annoy people and that... I wanna- I wanna sort of like cl-

Steve: Well you do the physical equivalent of freewheeling.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! I sort of like, I sort of wanna climb on Karl and go to sleep on him.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? Both annoy him, and it'd be comfortable.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Which is... you know, can be annoying.

Steve: Do you know, just a quick little thing to make this show a bit easier; if you'd put your hand up when you want one of us to speak... Cos it's not quite- I'm not quite sure when the sentences are finished.

Ricky: The hands are up!

Steve: Ok, good. So um- well-

Ricky: The hands are up.

Steve: Ok, good, all right. Are you just going to keep them up for the rest of the show, or are-

Ricky: No. Karl, do what you, what you've... Uh?

Steve Laughs

Steve: Good, alright. Do you wanna- Is there any excuse as to why you're a bit hungover?

Ricky: Too much wine.

Steve: OK...

Ricky: Last night, yeah...

Steve: Yep. Good, good. 'Cos this is the only- I mean this is the only work you've got to do all week-

Ricky Laughs

Steve: -unless I'm very much mistaken, you don't have to do anything. You just sit at home eating- eating cheese-

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: -um, and then occasionally you do a bit of um, sort of shadow boxing-.

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: -And that's exersise... And then you sit at home and watch TV.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Is that roughly what you did this week?

Ricky: Mmm... yep.

Steve: Uh-huh. So this is... the only two hours you've had to do anything for all week, this is the only thing you had to prepare for...

Ricky: Yes, I... Who can plan a hangover?

Steve Laughs

Steve: Right.

Ricky: You know, you'd think th- Karl, you said you had some stuff.

Karl pauses

Karl: ...Yep.

Ricky: <What have you got?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: I love the fact that whereas I was a little bit slow, Karl there leapt into action, to keep this show afloat, keep the pace up! Go on.

Karl pauses

Karl: ...Right... well, uhh...

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: Karl, are you hungover as well or .

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Do you know, I'm just a bit annoyed, 'cos I'm with you.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Do y' know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: He hasn't got much to do all week...

Ricky: You're having a laugh.

Karl: What?

Steve: What angers me is I kind of hoped that maybe I could have quite a long career in radio, and I sort of feel like I'm... I don't know, the words 'sinking ship'-

Ricky Sniggers

Steve: Those words spring to mind.

Ricky: But-

Steve: 'Cos if you... Karl, you're just a chancer anyway, you weren't even supposed to be on air and we made you into something of a household name and that's cool.

Ricky Sniggers

Ricky: Household name!

Steve: And Ricky's already a celebrity, he's got it stitched up, he's got coroporates, he's got you know, voiceover work, but I've got nothing, I'm running on empty I've got... You know, I'm not... nothing, I've got nothing, I'm sort of dependent a bit on this, financially and...

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: And...you two are sort of bringing it down really.

Karl: Right, well-

Steve: Do you reckon I could get my own show, Karl?

Ricky: Karl, Karl, Karl. Tell him what, no, Karl, Karl, tell him how funny I was out there with the bin, that... a minute ago.

Karl: So anyway, come on, right.

Steve: I'm bored of this.

Ricky Sniggers

Karl: Tell you what. Will we tease them with what we've got coming up next.

Steve: Yep, Karl, tease us after the next record.

Karl: 'Cos I think we've already got 'em for two hours.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Yep, yep, we've hooked them Karl, don't worry, this is textbook radio.

Ricky: What's this? Badly Drawn Boy?

Steve: Yep.

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - You Were Right

What's Tomato With You

Ricky: Cold Play, Scientist, on XFM 104.9. Right. Competition, innit?

Steve: No, it's Educating Ricky part two.

Ricky: Oh, is it? I wasn't even listening. He's doing all the work, I wasn't even listening. Oh, I need to drink some water now and that. What's this one again, then?

Karl: Right, uhh...

Steve: What's the er, teaser headline?

Karl: Teaser headline is "What's tomato with you?"

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: How excited were you when you came up with that? You couldn't wait to tell us, could you? He-hee!

Karl: I think it's a good one because you won't forget it now, will you? Like the worm one. What's special about the worm?

Ricky: When you cut a worm in half two worms will grow, but no, what happens is, if you cut the head end slightly nearer the tail than the head, the tail will die but the worm will be ok, so it's exploded a myth and taught me something.

Steve laughs.

Karl: The second one, part two of Educating Ricky, uh, "What's tomato with you?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: What this one's about is, er... ages ago...

Ricky and Steve laugh.

Ricky: That's scientific!

Steve: There's never a date, there's never a country...

{{Ricky|I love the attention to detail! OK, settle down children, this is A-level History. Right.

Steve: "Once upon a time..."

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. "When a mental place with swords was a king, forget his name, but he was a loony, uh, so, and it was literally ages ago. So er, good luck in the exam!"

Karl: So like, you know, all right, many years ago...

Ricky: Oh yeah, cleared that up, go on.

Karl: They thought tomatoes were poisonous.

Ricky sniggers. Steve laughs.

Steve: OK.

Karl: Right? Because what they-

Ricky: Hold on, are they going to be proved wrong at the end of this story?

Karl: Well, what-

{{Ricky|Because I don't want to give away the ending, but... is it something to do with... are they poisonous, tomatoes?

Karl: Nope.

Ricky: Oh, you're having a laugh.

Steve: I don't believe it.

Ricky: Go on, go on.

Steve: I could have been eating tomatoes all this time!

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Oh, Steve, what's tomato with you, anyway?

...

It Was Pushing People Off Their Bikes

Karl starts telling a story

Karl: There's a shadow somewhere, no right, thers a shadow, I think it's in America, it's on a quiet road, i'm guessing somewhere like Boston,...

Ricky: Well don't

Karl: Somewhere like Boston, and people at night used to see this shadow moving about and they'd go "what's that?", right, and it got known, the little local town got known for this shadow, but it didn't cause any problems

Ricky: What are you talking about?

Steve: You've lost me

Karl: No, d'you know like some places get famous, like Scotland's got the loch ness monster, an' that, but it doesn't cause any problems

Ricky: ...doesn't exist

Karl: Right, so theres this shadow walking about on the road

Ricky: What do you mean? ...again, rubbish, nonsense, where did you read this?

Karl: THIS was on the INTERNET.

Ricky: OH, SORRY! I thought it was sh*te! ..I didn't know it was on the internet

Karl: So this shadow was moving about

Steve: Independently of an object?

Karl: Yeh, and the local mayor, an' that, is like, "yeh, it's a bit weird, but it's not harming anyone"

Ricky: HAHAHA, the mayor involved

Steve: He was elected to that post?

Ricky: (American accent)"Hey, mayor we got a problem down here, seems like a shadow","Well its not causing anybody probems"

Karl: But that's the thing, it was left for years, and then it did start causing problems

Steve: I see that's it, if you leave these shadows to go unchecked, Rick, they go crazy, you let them run amock in the city, you've got to stamp down on roaming shadows

Ricky: Yeh, what did the shadow do?

Karl: It was pushing people off their bikes!